Status (Pixiv Fanbox)

I’m still alive, but my heart feels close to dead. Every time I try to draw, all the cyberbullying I’ve endured, the false accusations, and the times I was attacked just because my art style “looks young” flash through my mind, and I can’t bring myself to pick up my pen. (Subculture art styles are supposed to look young… I know I have many Western viewers, but the people who insult me simply don’t understand subculture art. Who would prefer an art style that looks like a 40-year-old grandmother? Probably not 99% of people.) Even when I try to overcome it, the past keeps replaying in my head. If I had done something wrong, I’d apologize and try to fix it. But being attacked for things I never did keeps shaking my mental state. I’ve experienced countless attempts from insecure people trying to drag me down, and I’m truly exhausted from it. Still, I kept trying to push through. I knew my YouTube viewers were waiting, and I genuinely just wanted to make fun videos. I’ve been drawing a lot of NSFW art recently, but honestly, part of it might have been a reaction to the cyberbullying. People call me a pedophile, but I have zero interest in anything like that — in reality, I’m closer to being asexual. I’m not interested in anything. After living alone for 5–6 years, it feels like my emotions and interests have faded away. Living is genuinely tiring. I attempted suicide many times when I was younger, but as I grew older, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Even if one person feels relieved by dying, the people left behind would suffer — I know that. So I can’t do it. I don’t have that kind of courage anyway. Even my family changed after I succeeded on YouTube. Every call is about money, and if it’s not about money, they don’t call at all. I honestly feel like I no longer have a family to return to. I know that 99% of my viewers support me. But the internet has become filled with hatred and insecurity over the past 2–3 years, and more people seem unable to live without hating someone. Because of that, there are moments where I genuinely wish everything in this world would just disappear. That’s how broken I am right now. Still, I’ll probably keep living. I feel shattered and tired of everything, but I’m trying hard to shake off these thoughts. The problem is, whenever I start to recover even a little, something new shows up to hurt me again — and it keeps repeating. Maybe I’m starting to dislike people because of everything I’ve been through. My original motivation was to make people happy, even for a moment, but that reason — the thing that fueled me — feels like it’s slowly disappearing.