Sowing Doubt Ch. 7 (Patreon)

I seethed. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been so angry. 

“Can you believe that fake ass tan she has? She missed half her face!”
“Ugh, and her clothes. I heard she wore overalls the other day. What a dyke.”
“Probably Bi. She’s head of the AV Club. I wonder what goes on in there? Think she’s–!”

That bitch, had turned her damn lackeys onto the first girl who'd done anything in my defense in over a year!

Tanya wasn’t exactly knocked flatfooted by the words, but I hadn’t heard her move or speak for a little while. I got the impression that she wasn’t offended by the words, so much as she was shocked that these girls were singling her out and laughing at her for no discernable reason. 

“I… what?” she said, stepping up to the circle of three girls. “What did you just say to me?”

“Uhm. Excuse me? This is a private conversation?” Desiree sniped condescendingly. I knew that particular trick all too well. Bitches.

“I… But… Arina, why were you just…?”

“What we talk about is none of your business, Tanya,” said the girl who must’ve been Arina. “Can’t believe I was ever friends with you. Why don’t you go back to whoring yourself out to the AV Club?”

“Wh-What!?” Tanya exclaimed. 

The three girls laughed and walked away. On the other side of the school, too far to do anything about it, and too angry to even think of using my powers, I seethed impotently. 

Tanya’s breathing was rushed. She sounded poleaxed. 

It hadn’t taken fifteen minutes after hearing about what she’d done in the cafeteria for Emma to begin a whole new rumor campaign. She did so gleefully. I heard the plans and heard the rumor begin and spread. 

And I did nothing. I could’ve stopped it. Changed words around. Ruined the rumor before it took root. Changed it to a million other mean things, directed it to a different girl.

But I was afraid. I was afraid to be caught using my power. So overtly? How long would it be before Emma realized the rumor wasn’t going the right way and just corrected it to focus on Tanya again? How much power was I willing to risk using?

None, apparently. 

And I hated myself for it. 

Tanya, seemingly shaken, walked further down the hall. She spotted Matt and Jaeg down the hall and approached them cautiously. 

“Heeeyy, Tanya! Heard about lunch! Did you really dump your tray in Michael Breggin’s lap?” Jaeg asked, implying that it was the coolest thing in the world.

Tanya grinned and I felt guilty for spying on her. “Yeah… He was being an asshole.”

“Aaaannnd, about you sleeping with the rest of the AV Club?” Matt asked, raising his eyebrows. “Any truth there?” 

She began to roll her eyes… then her voice took on a snarky tone. “I… I guess there’s no use hiding it. Matt! Jaeg and I have been lovers for months!”

He gave her a mock downhearted pout before rounding on Jaeg. “I knew it! Jaeg how could you hide your illicit and torrid affair with Tanya, when you knew I loved her!”

I snorted, and tried to suppress a giggle. Luckily the hallways were loud and no one could hear me. These three were great friends. 

Jaeg, for his part, grinned wolfishly. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” 

They both groaned at that, and I couldn’t help but join them. 

“So bad. Soooo... bad… why am I friends with you?” Matt said, while Tanya just shook her head in disbelief. 

“Seriously though. It’s only been an hour and that rumor has already hit half the school. Did something actually happen in the AV club?” Matt asked, his voice becoming more serious.

Tanya shrugged. “Hell if I know. Arina just told to my face that she didn’t know why we were ever friends. Either people are really believing this crap or… shit I don’t know. Do you think Mike started that rumor? Seems a little petty.”

“AV slut!” someone shouted suddenly from a group standing near their lockers nearby and an echo of laughter followed it. 

Tanya shriveled. 

Matt and Jaeg responded immediately. 

“Hey fuck you, asshat!” Jaeg shouted angrily, while Matt actually stood, nostrils flaring. Neither of them were very imposing physically, but even I was surprised by the ferocity in their voices. 

“You don’t have to get all protective like that. ‘S Just words,” Tanya said, though there was a grateful edge to the tone. She’d been hurt by the words. Who wouldn’t be? 

Fortunately, the crowd of prepubescent creatures masquerading as males moved on, high fiving each other at their own idiocy. I hated all of them. 

Worse, I loathed myself for hearing Tanya voice the words I’d been telling myself for months but had never been able to make myself believe. That fucking cop… Everyone laughing at me. 

I suddenly found myself as jealous of Tanya as I was sorry for her. What I wouldn’t give for someone to jump to my defense like that. 

But that was a pipe dream, and Tanya didn’t deserve to have to deal with my burdens. I wouldn’t let her get dragged down by Emma’s bullshit. All I had to do was tell her thanks but she didn’t need to defend me like that, and that would be the end of it.

I took off towards them. There was still five or six minutes before class, and I could let her know why she was suddenly being mocked like I was all the time. There was no need for anyone else to suffer Emma’s particular brand of torture. 

The three of them were still standing near their lockers when I approached, shyly. 

“I… uhmm… H-Hi!” I said, interrupting Matt laughing about some sort of terrible rap Jaeg was making about the asshole boys from before. 

“Oh! Taylor! Hey, still coming to the club tonight?” Tanya asked brightly. 

“I don’t think so,” I said softly. “Or… I don’t think I should. I heard… uhm… what other girls have been saying to you. That’s my fault. I heard what you did after I left the cafeteria. Th-thanks… for that by the way, but there’s no need to do things like that. The rumors will only get worse. Trust me,” I said softly. 

“Ah fuck em. I don’t care what people say bout’ me,” she said. “Besides, if anyone really thinks that I’d whore myself out to these two clowns then they weren’t really my friend anyway.”

Both boys looked mock affronted.

I however, was… annoyed. It was easy to say you don’t care what people say about you. Harder to live it for a year and change. I wondered what she’d think after a week in my shoes. I tried not to let that show on my face though. She’d been nothing but kind to me and I didn’t want to offend her. 

“Still. It will only get worse if you keep talking to me. So I’ll back off. I know how… how bad it can get,” I said. “S-so I’ll see you around okay?” 

I turned and began to walk towards my last class of the day, but she put hand on my shoulder before I could go more than a step. 

“Taylor. What they’re doing to you isn’t right, and I won’t back down just because they started a stupid rumor. Please come to the club tonight? We’d all like to hear you sing…” 

I closed in on myself a little. 

“Right, boys?” Tanya barked. 

“Oh, uh yeah. She’s right, Taylor,” Jaeg said awkwardly. 

“We’d love to have you!” Matt said. 

I was quiet, but a turned back around to face her stoically, ignoring Matt and Jaeg. 

“You really don’t know how bad it can get. I… don’t want to put anyone else through this, okay?” I said somberly, trying to convey just what she was really signing up for. 

I clearly failed because my words only seemed to make her more determined. 

“I can take it,” she said certainly.

‘No you can’t,’ I thought, stubbornly. 

But neither could I anymore. Knowing I would regret this, I nodded and said, “Okay. I’ll be there after class. And… thanks.”

I turned and walked to class, a little bit of joy in my step, that lasted right up until Jaeg said snidely “Wow, Grim much? Bet her songs are all super fucking sad, amirite?”

OOOOOOOOOOOO

‘I regret this so much,’ I thought horrified as I stood in front of an audience of five eager AV club members. Whether they were eager to hear me, or eager to hear me fail I couldn’t say.

The opening frets were strumming to Adele’s Rolling in the Deep, moving towards the first words like a sprinter, while I was the brick wall they didn’t seem to see. 

“’here’s a ‘ire s-arting.. in my heart.” I squeaked before absolute terror overtook me and I completely froze, letting the music continue on without me.

Oh god. Oh god I was blowing it! I’d said I was a singer and now I couldn’t even manage to make my voice work! What would they think? They would laugh at me and I–!”

I began to tremble and turned away. “I-I’m sorry. I… I can do this, I swear. It’s j-just…”

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Tanya of course. “Hey. Don’t worry. Everybody has a little trouble in front of people. Try this. Just close your eyes and imagine we’re not here. You sing at home alone right? Well, just pretend you’re there. Okay?” She said. 

“E-Easier said than done,” I said. “But… yeah. Okay. I’ll… try that.” 

Tanya reset the karaoke track and it started up again. I’d chosen this song specifically because I thought it was fun to sing. It didn’t particularly speak to me or anything I’d never been in love before after all. But it was popular, catchy, fit my voice pretty well, and would be a good measuring stick for them to evaluate me on. Maybe if I was really good they’d… invite me to stay more. 

It would be nice to have friends who would stand up for me like Matt and Jaeg had for Tanya that afternoon. 

…and I was blowing it. 

“Or you could just be awesome and not give a fuck like me!” Jaeg bragged. Even I rolled my eyes. Jaeg was… well. He… he thought he was a gangster, and either he took himself one hundred percent seriously or he was just so dedicated to the bit that he couldn’t back out now. 

He did make me smile though. I mean… if they liked him then surely they might like me right?

God I sound so fucking pitiful. It didn’t help that I couldn’t stop blushing every time I glanced at Jack and the muscles that his muscles were using to make more muscles. He of course, seemed happy to rest his full attention on me for this little audition, and seemed completely oblivious to the fact that his gaze made my heart race. 

“Please. Don’t listen to him,” Nadia said scathingly, and I thought she was talking about Jack before I realized she was responding to Jaeg. “We already have enough stupid in here.” 

She went back to sitting sideways in her chair and admiring some of her own tattoos. I caught the annoyed glance Tanya sent her, but the girl didn’t seem to care. Jaeg, of course, didn’t either. 

“Stupid is just genius before it’s time. Now, let’s get the songs out, Taylow!” He exclaimed, making elaborate hand gestures. 

I… stared at him for a few moments. Then looked over to Tanya. 

“Is… he real?” 

They all laughed at that. Even Jaeg. Even me after a few minutes.

“He’s right though! Eccentricities aside… You’re stalling! Just get out of your head and sing for us. And don’t worry. You can’t possibly suck worse than Nadia,” Tanya said. 

“I resent that! But agree with it!” Nadia shouted without looking up from the tattoo on her arm. 

“W-well… okay,” I said shakily. I closed my eyes and turned around for good measure, scooting my chair along the floor loudly as the first strums began playing again. 

Without even realizing it, they’d somehow managed to put me at least a little at ease. Not facing Jack helped too. 

I began to sing.

At first I was still a little shaky, but as the song picked up I joined in with the rhythm and was able to forget the people listening and watching me. I began to feel like I was in my own room and let my power out, syncing my voice with the music and even tweaking the speakers to produce a cleaner sound for me to sing to. 

I made sure not to tweak what they heard, but the sounds I produced. Pitch perfect notes with that slight hint of humanity I’d perfected in my time spent practicing alone filled the room. 

By the time the song ending I was having fun, swaying to the music a little on my plastic school chair. When it ended I sunk back down into my seat and breathed, feeling happy about the way it sounded. 

Then I jumped and flailed when the people I’d forgotten behind me started clapping. 

“W-wow, Taylor. I mean. I know you said you enjoyed singing but I had no idea. You’re amazing!” Tanya beamed.

Even Nadia had turned her eyes up to me. They were wide with envy and surprise. 

“Holy hell, That was great. I mean. The song sucks but you might as well have been Adele herself,” Matt said backhandedly complimenting me. 

“I… enjoyed that,” Jack said, his voice a little higher than I might’ve expected, though only a little. I realized it was actually the first time I’d heard him speak.

I beamed back at them as they gushed over me. “Y-You really like it? You’re not just joking are you?” 

“Girl, you’ve got the voice of an angel. We should sing a duet!” Jaeg shouted, right on top of Melissa saying, “You should try to go professional with a voice like that.”

“Fucking shame. A voice like that is wasted on an addict like her,” Nadia said under her breath. Without my tether, I never would’ve heard her. 

“You said you wanted to learn to mix audio and make music videos, right? Well… do you have any original songs? I’d love to help you out. I’ll teach you all I know! Talent like that should not go to waste on crappy amv files.” Melissa exclaimed, having to speak loudly to be heard over Jaeg’s declarations of an everlasting voice crush that were admittedly making me smile like I hadn’t in years. 

I met Nadia’s eyes though and quickly looked away. I wanted to confront her about what she thought. What she’d said under her breath. But I couldn’t. Not least because no normal person should be able to hear that well, but also because I was… afraid. Afraid of being rejected more than I was of her insulting me everyday. 

I tried to tell myself she didn’t know me. That she was stupid for judging me before ever finding out for herself. It only helped a little. 

I turned back to Melissa and smiled as best I could.

“W-well. I… I’d love to learn. Any chance you can show me how to get started?” I asked, before addressing her other question. “I… have some songs I’ve made. But they’re… uhm…. private. For now.” 

They split off into individual groups to do whatever the AV Club got up to on a normal day but Melissa seemed to light up with a passion for discussing Music Videos with me. She wasn’t very good at mixing, which meant I would have to ask Jack if I wanted to learn that particular skill but she could make a video, and that I actually needed to learn if I ever wanted to put anything more than generic backgrounds into my songs as Sweet_Adagio. 

For almost a whole hour, I actually enjoyed myself. For almost a whole hour, I felt like I had friends. 

It was the best hour I’d had in more than a year. 

As I left the building, I heard one of the people with the subvocal noises I’d been hearing for the last few days. They left the noise behind in what I thought was the Choir room. That room wasn’t very far out of my way so I headed in that direction, hoping to finally figure out what the strange sounds were. I saw an Asian kid, though not ABB that I knew of, leave the room before subtly stepping inside. 

I followed the sound to the podium where I assumed Mr. Walker, the band director, taught most of the music classes. It was one of those thick wooden podiums with drawers behind it and it had sheet music sticking up out of almost every drawer. 

The sound was coming from one of the drawers and it took a few seconds concentration to figure out which one. 

I opened the drawer, and my heart stopped. 

Sitting there, right in the middle of the bottom drawer, was a fucking bomb. 

“Oh… oh my god,” I thought, horrified. 

END CHAPTER