Who Da Boss Lady? 1 (Patreon)

Commissioned by InfniteChaosRai

Who Da Boss Lady?

Chapter 1

-VB-

Fwwomp.

SLAM!

“Oof!”

Shwwop.

“Ow. Wait, not ow.”

I pushed myself up and frowned. 

I had weird clothes on me. Long sleeves that overlapped my hands like some cute/depressed anime character trope but which no one in actual life used because it was supremely uncomfortable. 

When pulling your sleeves up to grab a cup becomes the requirement for a sip of coffee, you start getting annoyed with such fashion. 

I pulled the sleeves back to -. To -.

That wasn’t my hand.

My hand didn’t have one thumb and only three fingers. Where was the fingernail? Why was my hand … doll-like?

I stood up.

The motion was weird.

Difficult? No. It wasn’t difficult so much as it was not familiar to me. 

I looked down.

And gawked.

“What are those?!” I shrieked as I gestured to what had to be my legs but definitely couldn’t be. Because there was no way that I had a pair of legs only as long as my torso or the fact that my torso was far shorter than my arms, nevermind the sleeves. Then I noticed something like a glass pane next to a dumpster nearby.

Wait, was I in an alley? 

Why did everything look so big?! 

No…

No…

It wasn’t that everything was big.

I was small.

I waddled over to the glass pane, realized it was a mirror, and looked at myself. 

“Gurck.”

It was a sound as much as it was an emotion. 

The worst part was that I didn’t feel anything inside of me. No panic. No heart wrenching fear. 

All I felt was a sort of frustration and confusion at worst, and what I “felt” with the sound I made was … less earnest and more mimicry. I knew what panic should feel like. I knew what kind of reaction it should elicit out of me. So I was acting more than truly being. 

And that horrified me more than the appearance in front of me shown in the mirror.

A black cloth doll stared back at me. With yellow eyes and rabbit-like ears, it looked like one of those anime mascots. My eyes were yellow with nothing in them. There was a four pointed star on my chest/abdomen(?). And I was freaking short! The mirror belonged to a family because why else would there be a line at the edge of the mirror showing, in centimeters, how someone was growing taller? And I didn’t even reach the lowest number! 

What the fuck happened?! 

I went to sleep and -.

…

…

Wait.

I didn’t go to sleep.

I was out at a party with my friends. We all just passed our first semester in professional… Professional…

Why can’t I remember? 

I left …

… 

Who did I leave? 

A pet? A wife? A boyfriend? … A girlfriend? 

Huh?

What? 

I took a deep breath in and grimaced. 

Again.

No panic.

Only a deep frustration like a grade schooler trying to understand diffusion was a thing but not quite being able to grasp the concept. 

‘What’dya mean things just pass through solid walls?!’

Whatever. 

I frowned. 

So what did I know? 

I looked like an anime mascot, didn’t have a human body anymore, and my memories had a lot of holes in them.

HAHAHAHAAHAHA!

… lots of holes. 

I let out a sigh, and this doll body mimicked the rise and fall of the chest associated with breathing. 

This was going to be a problem. I couldn’t just … walk up to the police either. Assuming they didn’t think that I was the product of a prank, I might get handed over to the government.

Who will definitely experiment on me.

Yeah. 

No. 

I needed to know what I was first before I did anything. 

And -.

“W-What is that?”

A young voice. 

A young girl’s voice. 

Almost like it was some sort of an instinct, I knew exactly what to do. I understood what I was made for. 

What I was. 

And man, I did not like what I was. 

I slowly turned around to face the owner of that young voice and found myself looking at an adolescent teen. 

Normal in every way. 

Perfect.

“Heya! Do you want to be special?”

The girl immediately frowned. “Dad told me not to trust people who says things like that… never mind a living doll. You aren’t cursed, are you?”

If the sudden random instinctual knowledge(?) that popped up in my head said anything, then I might be a cursed doll. In a sense. If you really squinted. 

“Of course not!” 

“You’re black.”

“Don’t be a little racist, little lady.”

“Little?! You’re the little one!” 

“Uh huh. How old are you? 13? 14? You look a little shorter than that.”

She froze. 

“... 12?” 

I mean, technically, younger was better.

Phrasing, please.

She glared at me. Didn’t kids like it when they looked older? 

“15…?”

“I’m 16, you asshat!” 

I stared at her. 

“Well, I can certainly see why you need your dad to tell you about strange men…”

She kicked me. Or tried to. 

“Ho ho ho ho!” 

It was also then that I realized something. 

One.

My voice. It was high-pitched and velvety? Like what you would expect from a high pitched lady’s laughter. Or a tiny giggling girl.

Two.

I can fly. 

“Say…” I grinned as I continued to fly. She gawked up at me. “Do you want to be a magical girl? You can fly just like me.” I extended one of my hands forward. “All you have to do is grab my hand.”

The girl hesitated. 

“H-How do I know you won’t curse me?!”

I blinked. “What use would I have in cursing you? That’s just wasting energy for no gains. Anyone who goes around cursing someone else for no good reason is a dumb ass. Or just an ass.”

“Language!” she snapped at me as she snapped a hand out and pointed at me. 

And I slapped her finger. 

“Good enough for me!” I cheered before faltering when I felt a huge chunk of something inside of me leaving my body and flowing into the girl. 

“Eh? Eh?! Eh?! What did you do~?!” she squealed as the light surrounded and wrapped around her. It swirled and swirled until…! 

With a flash, the flat-chested “sixteen” year old with short black hair turned into a gorgeous twin braided blonde with a form fitting white dress and black stockings. 

And a magical wand in hand with a splintered cross at the center of the wand’s head.

… I didn’t design that. 

But my mouth moved on its own. 

“From here on out, I dub thee: Evil Magical Girl Clarinette the Envious!” 

She smacked me with the wand.