655: Cuo-J Simpson; OR, The Red Apple (Patreon)

BRENDAN USE THIS INTRO IF CUOMO WINS AND DON’T FORGET TO DELETE THIS PART

Heyyyyyyyy guess who’s back in da New York groove? RIP Ace Frehley, a true New Yorkah and close personal friend of Mario, Andrew, Chris, and Giuseppe Cuomo! Free meatballs fa everyone!* First ordah ah business is making Zohran personally demolish the Ground Zero Mosque. USA! USA! USA! (unintelligible Staten Island sounds punctuated by crotch grabs)

*Offer valid only for former Cuomo staffers who have signed an NDA 

OK AND IF ZOHRAN WINS, USE THIS INTRO. ONCE AGAIN, I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH THAT YOU SHOULD DELETE THIS PART AS WE DO NOT WANT RELEVANT LAW ENFORCEMENT ORGANIZATIONS TO BECOME AWARE OF OUR SECRET CONVERSION TO ISLAM. 

As-salamu alaykum my brothers and sisters, the blessed Zohran has ascended to the holy throne of Mayor of New Mecca, Alhamdulillah and all blessings to Allah. Starting tomorrow, the new city run grocery stores will open, followed by the takeover of all bodegas. The third stage, aka Sharia Law, which outlaws all grocery stores nationwide so that only our fine city may have places with food for purchase, will commence after Ramadan, Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem. Rollout dates on forced trans conversions and ISIS draft card assignments TBD.

Thanks for listening this week, be sure to like, subscribe, and praise Allah/Bruce Springsteen.