Bonus Feature: Alternate Gamer Dilbert draft (Patreon)

Just for fun, here's an earlier version of Gamer Dilbert's Inbred Journey. I initially breezed past the part where he makes the chili, and planned on the chili cook-off being just one in a series of escalating defeats. Some of these lines made it into the final version.

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CEO Justin Hitzig is visiting Dilbert’s booth at the chili cook-off.

CEO: Dilbert! I didn’t know that you were entering the chili contest!

Dilbert: Yeah, I’m capable of anything, so I went ahead and became a chef this morning. No big deal.

CEO: Well, as the judge of this contest, I’ll try not to play favorites, but it’ll be hard not to when one of the contestants is the employee who makes me so much money.

CEO: And what’s this pin you’re wearing? A red x?

Dilbert: Well I tried to find an inbred pride flag online, to assert my identity as an inbred person, but I couldn’t find one so I just grabbed the flag of Alabama.

Dilbert: We inbred people see Alabama as something like our rightful homeland. Don’t worry, I’m not zionist about it or anything.

CEO (thinking): I’m Zionist.

CEO: Ew. Don’t you think it’s a bit obscene to advertise that you’re inbred?

Dilbert: Why? My parents were brother and sister. I don’t endorse it, but I can’t change where I came from.

CEO: Well I think that it sexualizes your parents.

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CEO: Please remove that pin, your inbreeding reflects poorly on our company culture.

Dilbert: It’s not a pin, it’s a patch. It’s sewn onto my shirt.

CEO: then remove your shirt.

Dilbert: (sigh) fine.

Dilbert is now standing there shirtless.

CEO: And please relocate your chili to the basement so I don’t accidentally taste it.

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The CEO is looking at Tina’s chili.

CEO: Tina, your chili looks delicious.

Tina: Thank you, Justin.

CEO: More importantly, you’re biracial, correct?

Tina: Have you thought about just having someone from HR permanently follow you around?

CEO: Tina, your racial heritage is nothing to be ashamed of. It proves that your parents gave a damn about passing on a healthy, diverse set of genes. Unlike some.

(Dilbert, still shirtless, is fuming in the background)

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CEO: Dilbert? I thought I told you to go to the basement.

Dilbert: Yeah, I just thought you’d like to know, I stopped in the 3rd floor men’s room and I think I heard someone watching porn.

CEO: WHAT???? I’ll kill them! (He stomps off)

Dilbert switches his chili with Tina’s chili.

Dilbert: Heh heh heh!

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The CEO is judging the chili contest.

CEO: And now to try the final chili… Tina’s! I have no doubt it will win.

The CEO tries a spoonful.

CEO: Mmm! Delicious! Not too much cumin, pinto beans instead of leathery kidney beans… but it’s the corn that really balances the flavors with a pleasing sweetness.

CEO: This is the kind of chili that comes from a wholesome genetic background. I declare it… The winning chili!

Dilbert appears from the crowd.

Dilbert: Ha! I win! I switched the chilis when you weren’t looking! This one is mine! This proves that I can do anything that the rest of you can do!

CEO: Dilbert, you’re not respecting the integrity of the contest.

Dilbert: And get this… this chili was made with 100% inbred beef!

The CEO spits out the chili in disgust.

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CEO: I admit, Dilbert, I used to think that inbred people were dim-witted subhuman mutants incapable of any meaningful thought or accomplishment!

CEO: But now I see the truth: Inbred people are actually conniving schemers who can’t be trusted!

Dilbert (wearing sunglasses suddenly, flanked by the Gaming Masses from Powerup Comics): That’s fascist.

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CEO: Hey, pointy-haired underling. I need to talk to you about that stunt your employee Dilbert pulled at the chili contest the other day…

CEO: Word is getting out that we have outspoken inbred employees. Shareholders don’t like it. It makes our company seem degenerate.

PHB: But Dilbert’s a very valuable employee! He’s made us a lot of money!

CEO: Well,

(the rest of this one is missing and I don’t think I had a real plan for where this conversation was headed.)

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This is where the draft ends, but my plan here was for Dilbert, moping at home over his loss, to receive an email announcement for the company bowling team, or maybe softball. He was going to fail at bowling about the same way that he failed at the chili cook-off. I would have then shown him failing at a few other competitive company activities in rapid succession.