Stupid Sexy Cryptids [52-56] (Patreon)

52 Vampire Mass Distribution 

"I always wanted to go to a karaoke bar with you," North offered shyly, looking at her sister. "And maybe get our nails done at one of those fancy salons. Oh! And go to the movies! The renovated theater in Cascade has those nice reclining seats and..."

South stared at her sister like she'd grown a second head. "Pffff. You want us to sing pop songs badly in public?"

"It could be fun," North insisted with a small smile. "We could also go shopping for clothes that aren't just... functional. Maybe try on ridiculous outfits at the mall? Have a spa day? Learn to bake cookies together? I saw this Giktok about friendship bracelets—"

"GikTok?" South chortled. "Really?"

"It's... never mind. The point is, we could do normal things. Fun things," North offered. “Like we used to… before you became grandfather’s fetch-quest girl.”

“We can all go!” Nexxali smiled. “Girl outing!”

“Woo! CIRCLE BONDING ACTIVITIES!” Shady yelled.

“None of you can go anywhere with the vamps,” Kawathra pointed out. “A single Scrut would smell two crystalloids from a mile away. Cascade is crawling with 881’s Scruts looking for thralls.”

“Right,” North’s expression soured. “So much for that plan.”

“We can start with a BBQ picnic at my house,” I offered. “As for the Scrutimancers, I’m certain that we can figure out how to disrupt or confuse their senses. They wouldn't find the smell of two Symbiote guns suspicious, right?”

“Correct,” Kawathra said.

“So maybe we can simply make our vamps smell like guns,” I said. “There’s gun units all over the place now doing jobs for you, right? That’s not a suspicious smell.”

“True.” The magpie tapped her silver rings together. “I can theoretically design special hexasuits covered in immovable gun plates they could wear. I don’t know if it would work though. We’d need a talented Scrut to test it on.”

“We can recruit Linari for it,” I said. “Make her conduct Scrutimancy tests or something for Division 881 as training. Cover her eyes and make her sniff out our two vamps. Right? Tell her she’ll be sniffing the thralls we’ve captured recently to optimize one of your data charts for how well… Linari can smell vamps from far away on my planet!”

“Right,” Kawathra’s face lit up. “Yes. A test of vampire detection. Yes, this can be organized!”

I considered the problem some more, spinning it in my head as I stared at the vampire sisters. I thought of how magicians worked by redirecting attention to the crowd and then it hit me.

The solution was right in front of me. The cube of vampire thralls!

“What's the difference between a vampire and a person who's been infected by a vampire, but not converted? Can Scruts and symbiote gun scanners and Corpse Seekers even tell the difference when someone's a vampire versus someone covered in vampire residue?”

“A general scan or a general sniff would produce some false positives,” the magpie said. 

“If Shady chugs a bottle of vampire blood or swallows a thrall, would she register as a vampire?” I added. “If we all cover ourselves with a layer of thrall blood would we all smell and show up as vampires?”

Kawathra opened her mouth, staring at me.

“We don't need to hide our vamps if we all smell like vamps,” I said. “We’ve thirty crushed thralls at our disposal. I say we use them to fuck with Scruts and gun scanners.”

Kawathra's talons clicked rapidly as holographic charts materialized around her. "Processing probability matrices... Oh. OH! That's... actually rather devious." Her eyes lit up with giddy excitement. "If we spray crystalloid residue on multiple targets, general scans would produce... calculating... 33.6% false positive rate depending on residue thickness!"

“Seems like a waste of overpriced thrall juices,” Nexxali chortled.

“We can make more thralls out of animals,” I said pointing a finger at the direction-named sisters. “We have two thrall makers right here.”

"Wait, wait! It gets worse," Kawathra continued, charts multiplying around her like blossoming flowers. "If subjects ingest inert crystalloid material, the false positive rate jumps to 41.2%!"

"Ugh," Nexxali wrinkled her nose. "Thralls smell like rotting meat marinated in formaldehyde. I'm not eating that shit. Who would even…?”

I looked at Shady.

“Thralls tasty square!” she commented, making Nexxali gag theatrically.

"I can fix that! Get rid of the bad stuff, amplify the good stuff," Kawathra said, stepping toward the crystalline wall where the compressed thrall cube was stored. "Corpse Seeker Kappa, initiate base thermal processing of storage compartment one. Temperature: 4000 degrees Celsius."

The wall section containing the thrall cube suddenly blazed with white-hot light. Through the transparent crystalline panels, we watched as the organic matter instantly carbonized and vaporized, leaving behind only ashes and glittering crystalline fragments that sparkled like crushed diamonds.

"Separating crystalloid cells from carbon," Kawathra narrated, manipulating holographic controls to separate the sparkly crystals from ashes. "The heat purges the infectious biological components... sterilizing the materia!"

The remaining crystalline material pulsed with a faint inner light, becoming compressed into a far smaller, shinier cube.

“Can the processed-vamp stuff be modified now to smell even more like vampires?” I asked. “Amplify the vamp-ness part instead of turning it into gun microchips?”

“Absolutely,” the magpie affirmed, silver rings flashing. “Modifying the crystalloid strata resonance," she continued. "Amplifying the Astral broadcast signature... 3498% by binding the strata to itself in a syntropic loop with Seeker dragonheart cells. There! This should theoretically make even microscopic amounts register strongly on scans. The final result should be completely harmless to consume and extra syntropic, meaning it will only smell more like the vamps with time!”

She giggled to herself. “Time to create the delivery methods.”

She bobbed, fingers dancing on the control for a few more minutes.

“There! I’ve modified the strata to act like a completely harmless, syntropic fungus. In open air, it will feed on local Aether and slowly grow on its own into microscopic bloom that will be spread by the wind. Very slowly. Sadly can’t make it replicate any faster. Now for physical delivery!”

Within minutes, the Corpse Seeker had processed the material into two forms: a fine spray that looked like glittering mist in glass bottles, and small crystalline wafers that resembled fancy breath mints.

"Ta da! Vamp-rad snacks and perfume!" Kawathra announced proudly, distributing the items. "The spray provides surface contamination lasting… pretty much forever until it's all scrubbed off. The wafers will create internal contamination which the body will slowly purge over time!"

She immediately sprayed herself with the mist. Then she crunched one of the wafers between her beak. We all stared at her.

"Corpse Seeker Kappa," the excited magpie commanded, "perform detection scan. Target: myself. Use standard, enhanced, and deep resonance modes."

The Seeker's sensors swept over her in waves of red light.

"Standard scan result: Crystalloid signature detected. Classification: Vampire, confidence 97.24%," Kappa reported.

"Enhanced scan: Crystalloid signature confirmed. Confidence 99.98% Unable to differentiate between surface contamination and actual conversion."

"Deep resonance: Crystalloid presence verified. Host appears to be in early stages of vampiric transformation/infection."

Kawathra bounced excitedly. "Now scan North and South for comparison!"

The Seeker's beams swept over the vampire sisters.

"Identical signature strength on standard scan," Kappa noted. "Enhanced scan shows... marginal difference. Deep resonance required to confirm actual crystalloid consciousness, and even then, uncertainty margin is 23.64%. Only visible difference is interior structures detected via a visual scan.”

“Slayer!” Nexxali burst out laughing, grabbing and chewing a wafer and spraying herself giddilly. "Nobody uses visual scanners! This is going to fuck the Scruts sideways! Can you imagine? Every human who uses this spray, every person who eats a wafer—they'll all register as crystalloids! Once this shit spreads around, they'll be detecting vampires EVERYWHERE!"

"Abyss! We could accelerate the process, distribute this across the planet," Kawathra said excitedly, pulling up distribution model charts. "Disguise it as breath mints, perfume and dietary supplements. Take a glider and spray it across populated cities like New York and Seattle! Within weeks, millions of false positives would completely overwhelm all detection capabilities! Wow… I scare myself sometimes.”

"The boy who cried vampire," I mused. "When everyone smells like a vampire, no one does."

"GENIUS EMPEROR CIRCLE!" Shady declared, grabbing a few wafers and crunching them loudly. "Mmm! Tastes like... square minerals! Sparkly yums!"

"Don't eat them all," I said.

"SHADY IS NOW MAXIMUM VAMPIRE! FEAR MY CRYSTALLINE MIGHT!" She yelled, spraying herself and me.

North stared at the spray bottle wielded by the Wendigo. "Emperor… You're going to make the entire human population smell like vampires… just to hide us?"

"Not the entire population," I shrugged. “Enough to make detection statistically meaningless."

Kawathra produced more holo-spreadsheets around herself. "If we achieve just 0.1% population coverage, that's 8 million false positives globally. The Scrutimancers would need years, decades, centuries to sort through them all! The more time passes the more the syntropic fungi particles will spread across the population producing false positives all over the place!”

“Which will boggle the fleet on this Earth… forever!” Nexxali laughed.

“Jobs for everyone… forever,” Kawathra said with wide eyes, staring at the bottle in her hand, looking like she’s finally realised the Frankenstein she’d just unleashed on the world. “An ever escalating, multiplying data curve of false positives. Abyss! I've just doomed the Third fleet. We're never leaving this place. This is it. I'm… I'm going to be living here forever!”

“If you can't beat the sensors, break them with too much data,” I smiled. “This stuff won’t, like, evolve into a more horrible version of itself like the flu virus, right?”

“Nope,” Kawathra shook her head. “The dragonheart syntropic alignment makes sure it stays exactly the same.”

“Perfect,” I relaxed. “I’m already picturing prad Scruts on their knees scraping microscopic particles off sidewalks, tails wagging.”

Kawathra’s giggling escalated into mad supervillain style laughter, eyes filling with tears. She flopped onto the crystal couch. Nexxali joined her, both of them hugging, looking at each other and descending into bubbling laughing fits.

Shady hopped around the Seeker interior, spraying everything and everyone including the vampire sisters with her bottle.

I looked at the shocked faces of North and South. "See? You won't have to hide anymore. Soon, you're going to be just two more drops in an ocean of false positives. As long as you stick with one of us, my people will confirm to the Scruts that you’re not vampires, just ordinary humans contaminated with a new kind of vampire fungi.”

South’s baffled-looking face gradually shifted to a hopeful smile. It was the first genuine expression I'd seen from the grumpy eternal teen. "Holy shit, Emperor. Grandfather would never have thought of such a thing. This is… Absolutely mental!"

"Your grandfather would never cooperate with pradavarians like I just did. He thought in old vampire terms trapped in his box of understanding of reality," I said. "I'm always thinking in human terms. Specifically, in 'how to troll alien invaders' terms."

North’s eyes filled with tears of joy. 

She suddenly stepped towards me and hugged me fiercely. “Ash… I was wrong about you,” she let out. “So very, very wrong. I thought you were a necromancer mageling at first," she sobbed into my shoulder, sparkling tears soaking through my shirt. "Then I thought you were a genocidal bastard who sold out my entire family to the Frontenachii! Then I thought you were a psychopath who tortured me with a crazy Wendigo for fun! Then you interrogated my sister… I thought that you were the Emperor of Earth orchestrating humanity's resistance! But you're... you're none of those things!"

"Well, technically I am kind of the Emperor and stuff—" I pointed out.

"No!" North pulled back, her silver eyes flooded with an ocean of emotions. "That’s just a mask. You're just... you're just a guy, an ordinary human… trying to help everyone! You saved those college students, you're protecting Earth, you're even protecting us—the monsters who tried to kidnap you! You’ve simply combined Wendigo, pradavarian and vampire skills together into one unexpected package, one that’s going to change this entire planet! You're kind and clever and—"

Shady's head suddenly whipped toward North, silver eyes flashing. "Mushroom vegetable... I taste something very suspicious in your thoughts!"

"What? I didn't think anything suspicious!" North squeaked, releasing me. "Totally empty head! No thoughts! Ignore me!”

"LIAR!" Shady prowled closer sniffing North. "Your mind tastes like... like warm honey and—" Her eyes went wide. "NO! UNACCEPTABLE! MUSHROOM HAS FEELINGS! NO FALLING IN LOVE WITH EMPEROR MINE!”

53: Cascade Hotel

“I’m not…” North retreated away from me, ducking behind South.

“BAD VEGETABLE! VERY BAD! EMPEROR ALREADY HAS MAXIMUM FEMALES! QUOTA EXCEEDED!” Shady growled.

“Right then.” South looked at me past the bothered Wendigo and then at her sister. "Our family owns the Cascade Hotel. We have private rooms there with extra clothes and skin makeup. Also, I can order our human employees to spray this stuff on themselves and around town.”

"Good idea," I said quickly. "I need to change my clothes anyways.”

"MUSHROOM STOP THINKING ABOUT ASHY CHANGING CLOTHES!" Shady growled at North.

"I wasn't!" North protested.

"YOUR SQUARE BRAIN JUST PICTURED IT!"

"I did not!”

“LIAR!”

Kawathra shook her head and wiped her face, getting back to the controls. The Corpse Seeker shot through the forest toward town. North pressed herself against the couch on the far wall while Shady kept shooting her suspicious looks. South directed the magpie to the hotel. Shady hugged me possessively, pulling me onto her lap. Nexxali sat beside us, still giggling.

"Dastardly vegetable! Think about boring things!" Shady commanded at North. "Like... like math!"

“Fine!” The vampire girl huffed.

"Hey, no! You just calculated how many feet away you are from him! That's romantic math!" Shady hissed.

“It's not!” North covered her face with her hands, looking thoroughly embarrassed.

The Cascade Hotel quickly came into view, a four story Art Deco beauty. A few cars sat in the parking lot, and through the front windows I spotted a bellhop helping an elderly couple with luggage.

"Back entrance," South directed. "Employee section."

Kawathra made the invisible centipede-tank move around the hotel, expertly avoiding traffic.

I looked at Shady. "We need to make Shades look like the lost commander before we go out."

"On it!" Kawathra declared.

"Corpse Seeker Kappa," the magpie ordered, "produce a cosmetic modification toolkit!"

Multiple crystalline arms extended from the walls, each tipped with different tools—some sharp, some that glowed with various colors.

"Hold still, Princess," Kawathra said, pulling up a holographic image of the missing commander. "This might tickle."

"TICKLE CIRCLE!" Shady announced, then immediately started squirming as the arms began their work on her black mane. “Going to hurt?”

One arm carefully traced a line across Shady's right eye, leaving behind a convincing silver scar that looked decades old. Another began adding red spots to her black feathers - on her head, along her arms, and trailing down to her tail.

"Don’t worry, my Lady. The modifications are purely cosmetic," Kawathra assured, watching her screens. "The scar is a polymer overlay, the red spots are harmless pigmentation, and the antler lengthening is another polymer addition, just enough to match Xandria's profile. A few cosmetic layers will adjust your skull’s profile too."

After ten minutes of work, the arms retracted. Shady stood up, looking entirely like a different Wendigo. The scars gave her a battle-hardened appearance, the red feather eyes broke up her silhouette, and the sharper antlers made her seem more aggressive.

"Perfect!" Kawathra declared. "You could fool anyone who hasn't met Commander Xandria personally. Now for the final piece! Your outfit!”

She tapped a ring on the wall and a new, Shady-sized hexasuit began to bloom inside the wall’s 3D printer.

"Princess is mysterious circle?" Shady asked, attempting what I assumed was meant to be a mysterious pose but looked more like she was trying to remember if she'd left the stove on.

"Very mysterious," I agreed. “Remember, when we go out with you looking like this—you’re Commander Xandria!”

She cleared her throat and spoke in my voice. "Greetings. I am Commander Xandria. I enjoy... war. And conquest. And not throwing Emperors in lakes."

"Maybe work on that last part," Nexxali suggested. “And don't use Ash’s voice.”

"Is important detail!" Shady protested. "Real Xandria probably throws many people in lakes! She looks mean!"

"Actually," Kawathra pulled up another chart, "Commander Xandria's record suggests she preferred throwing enemies into active volcanoes. I'll play her voice for you to copy.”

"SEE?" Shady beamed, elbowing me. "Lake throwing is MILD! Shady gentle girlfriend!"

Everyone stared at her, not believing her for one second.

"GENTLE!" she insisted, then grabbed me, smooshing me. "See? No bone crushing! Only mild squishing!"

Her silver eyes were inches from mine. "Right,” I smiled. “Very gentle squishing."

She preened at the praise, then immediately licked my entire face with her huge tongue.

"SHADY!" I sputtered.

"Marking! Very important!" She clarified, sending a glare at North. "Now dastardly mushroom will know Emperor mine!"

The newly minted hexasuit was finished. Kawathra helped Shady dress in it. It was sleek, black and featured armor plates with silver accents.

"FANCY HEXAGON DRESS!" Shady spun, admiring herself. "Princess official Commander now!"

“No Princess,” I said firmly, catching her silver eyes. “Just commander. Also, when we're around others, call me Ash. Just Ash. Not Emperor, just Ash."

She pouted. "But Emperor is a cute penguin circle."

"Ash," I repeated. "This is VERY important, Shades. Can you do that for me?"

She considered my words, searching my serious expression. "Ash. Ash. Ash. Yes, Princess, err Commander X can say Ash only, yes! For safety circles!" She saluted me.

I changed out of the Emperor outfit back into my lake-washed clothes. We exited Seeker Kappa and slipped in through a service door, unlocked by South tapping at a keypad. A young man in a hotel uniform looked up from his clipboard, then immediately straightened.

"Miss South! Miss North! Am I glad to see you!” He declared. “Your parents haven’t answered their phones since this morning and Mount Olympus is on fire! Is your family’s farmstead okay? I …”

South's teenage face rapidly shifted into theatrical grief. "No. There was an accident at our family farm, Derek. The... the alien military was hunting some dangerous alien creatures in the area. Our farmstead got caught in the crossfire. Mom, Dad, Grandfather, Aunts and Uncles and our cousins… They're all gone." She sniffed.

Derek's clipboard clattered to the floor. "Oh my God. Miss South, I'm so sorry."

"Collateral damage," North added. "Wrong place, wrong time. The aliens were after some crystalloid monsters that had been hiding deeper in the valley. Our farm just... happened to be within the blast radius."

“Do you—” Derek began.

"We need to use room 303," North cut in, taking up the mantle of the adult. "And Derek? I need you to handle things here. Let management know North and I are the only surviving family members. We'll need time to process the estate paperwork."

"Of course, of course." Derek fumbled for the master keyring. "Should I call the police? The fire department?"

"They're already aware," North said softly. "We just... we need some privacy right now."

Derek stepped forward and handed over the key, then noticed the rest of our quirky group for the first time concealed halfway around the corner: me in my slightly damp clothes, Shady towering behind me, Nexxali and Kawathra flanking us. His eyes widened.

"These are specialists from the Frontenachii Colonial Authority," South said, gesturing to our group. "Insurance assessors and compensation negotiators!"

Nexxali stepped forward with an authoritative feline grin, "Marshal Insurance Adjuster Nexxali Everrim, Frontenachii Reparations Division. We're here to assess damages and negotiate compensation terms for the accidental destruction of this human family holdings."

Derek stared at the serval. "The aliens have insurance adjusters?"

"Standard protocol when civilian assets are compromised during military operations," Nexxali said smoothly. "The Frontenachii Colonial Authority takes property damage very seriously."

Derek looked extremely overwhelmed. "I... okay. Should I have housekeeping prepare extra rooms for your... insurance team, Miss North?"

"That won't be necessary," North said, "Derek? I need you to do something important." She pulled out one of the crystalloid spray bottles Kawathra made. "The Frontenachii gave us this—it’s protective aerosol against crystalloid contamination. After finding a crystalloid nest on this planet, they want to make sure no one gets infected by their spores."

"Alien spores?" Derek looked at the bottle with alarm.

"From the crystalloids they destroyed," North explained, producing several more bottles. "The explosion… spread their essence for miles. This neutralizes it, makes it harmless. All the hotels in the contamination zone are required to use it."

"SAFETY PROTOCOL CIRCLES!" Shady announced, trying to sound official. "Frontenachii Colonial Authority demands maximum protection for valuable human assets! No vampirification without proper permits!"

Derek stared at her seven-foot frame and antlers. "You're with the insurance team too?"

"Senior... Grief... Assessment... Specialist," Shady said slowly, clearly making it up as she went. "Very specialized in... in grief circles and compensation squares!"

"The Frontenachii have unique approaches to trauma counseling," I added. "Cultural differences."

Derek looked between us all, then at the bottles. "So this is... mandatory?"

"For your safety, yes," Nexxali said, "According to Frontenachii Colonial Regulation 445-B, all structures within a five-kilometer radius of a crystalloid termination event must undergo protective treatment. Failure to comply could result in..." she paused dramatically, "decontamination fees."

"Contamination fees?" Derek grabbed the bottle quickly. "How much?"

"Forty-seven thousand dollars per infected individual," Kawathra said, pulling up a spreadsheet with spooky numbers. "Plus medical conversion reversal costs, temporary housing during decrystallization, and hiring counselor multipliers."

Derek immediately sprayed himself liberally with the glittering mist. "It smells like... minerals?"

"Premium protective minerals," Kawathra corrected. "With syntropic enhancement properties! Guaranteed to prevent vampire infection for up to six months!"

"Right." Derek pocketed the offered bottles. "I'll make sure everyone uses it. Should I add it to the complimentary toiletries in guest rooms?"

"Excellent initiative," South agreed. "The Frontenachii appreciate proactive safety compliance. Make sure to spray all visitor luggage with it."

"Of course, Miss South."

As we headed for the stairwell, Derek called out, "Miss South? Miss North? I really am sorry about your family. At least the aliens are taking responsibility for the accident."

“Derek. You will think that North’s surviving grandfather gave you these anti-crystalloid bottles this morning,” Nexxali added in a resonant, magic-compelling voice. “You will spray these bottles on all luggages and on everyone you meet, avoiding notice. We were never here. You will erase any recordings of us from your video cameras too.”

“Understood,” Derek said, eyes glassing over.

Nexxali grinned. “Off you go then.”

We went up the lavish gold and black panel stairwell.

“That ought to confuddle the Scruts if they ever investigate this place.” The serval commented.

“Good plan,” I nodded. “You’re pretty useful to keep around.”

“Damn right I am,” she said, swatting me with her striped tail.

Room 404 turned out to be a penthouse suite that took up most of the third floor rooftop styled in the same Art Deco stained glass, wood panels and elaborate gold and black wallpaper.

"Grandfather liked options," South explained, throwing open the closet to grab some towels and outfits. "North, let’s go wash up and cover up that crystalline skin. Ash, feel free to put on whatever from the closet.”

She pulled her sister into the shower.

I rifled through the closet, finding an impressive collection of vintage clothing. Everything looked authentic: pinstripe suits, suspenders, fedoras, the works. I selected a bunch of items that more or less fit me, dressing up in a charcoal three-piece with subtle pinstripes, a crisp white shirt, and a deep burgundy tie. 

"FANCY ASH!" Shady circled me like an excited shark as I adjusted the tie in the mirror. "Look like crime circle boss! Very intimidating! Much authority!"

"Thanks, Shades," I said, still feeling somewhat perturbed by the unexpected lake water assault. "Hey, are all Wendigos as... enthusiastic about throwing people into lakes as you are?"

She paused mid-pace, tilting her head at me. "Hmmm. Don't know! Throwing Emperor in lake was FUN! Your scared face…" She grinned. "Made excellent fear circles!"

"Right, so you enjoy scaring me?"

"Yes!" she declared merrily. "Feels soooo good! Like... like eating favorite food but in chest! When you go 'AHHH!', makes thought-grab hooks go zoom-zoom-zoom!" She made excited hand gestures. "Better than steakses! Ashy makes best surprised faces. And always comes back. Never runs away forever like other kobolds… when Shady was small."

"Standard Wendigo psychology.” Kawathra nodded, looking at me from her charts. “Wendigo Omnids instinctively enjoy scaring all available subjects. It's how they calibrate their mind-reading skills when they grow up."

54: Fear Theorem

"It’s… like how our kittens practice hunting by attacking ankles of adults and bossing everyone they meet," Nexxali added, sprawled across an antique chaise lounge. "Except instead of learning to command prey to submit, Wendigos learn to harvest terror. Verrrrry normal for Frontenachii spawn."

“Should I expect her to terrify us daily?” I wondered.

“Mhmmm,” Nexxali nodded with a far too wide mouth yawn.

“TERROR CIRCLE FUN!” Shady nodded.

“Wendigo Omnids feed on fear to empower their telepathic abilities. The stronger the fear response from their target, the more clearly they can read and manipulate thoughts. When our Princess terrorizes a target, she's essentially snacking," Kawathra stated. “She must be pretty hungry in this dimension too, constantly low on mana. It’s a problem of local Aetheric linearity.”

"See? Shady normal!" The disguised Princess preened. "Throwing Emperor in lake is sign of healthy Wendigo development!"

"That's not exactly reassuring," I muttered, putting on the fedora at a rakish angle.

"Oh, it gets worse," Nexxali continued. "Adult Wendigos can induce targeted nightmares, manifest as sleep paralysis demons, and make you experience your worst fears in vivid detail. Some of the fleet commanders collect specific flavors of terror like wine connoisseurs."

“No nightmares!” Shady insisted. “Only warm hugs!”

“So what happens if she doesn't scare me often?” I wondered.

“Currenly reported symptoms: Restlessness, snappyness, depression, chest-ache and anger,” the magpie revealed, pulling up another chart. 

I'm starting to think I need a handbook for dating a Wendigo," I muttered.

"DATING?" Shady blinked. "Emperor wants dating? Princess can do dating! Will throw in MORE lakes! Romantic lakes!"

“NO! I veto the lake throwing!” Nexxali voiced. “That's the opposite of what I want in life! No more surprise drowning, thanks.”

Shady squinted at the lounging serval, clearly judging her.

“Does Shady have to be the one scaring me?” I wondered.

“No,” Kawartha said, “the Frontenachii warships have entire Entertainment Decks devoted to terror generation. Dark pools filled with modded captured predators, labyrinth chambers where kobolds are hunted for sport, sensory deprivation areas that simulate falling, dying and drowning..." She pulled up a holographic schematic. "The commanders spend days in these facilities, feeding on manufactured fear experienced by their male ‘bolds.”

“Damn,” I said, “So like... a spa, but for sadistic telepaths."

"Holy shit. That sounds…. Fucking awful," South commented, emerging from the shower in a bath robe. “So they don’t just turn us into guns, they also torture male prads on the daily?”

"Just natural Wendigo behavior," Kawathra shrugged. "The fear generated empowers their abilities and bonds their kobolds more tightly through trauma. The Frontenachii Commanders alternate the Entertainment deck visits with the Pleasure Decks where they relax further with… breeding activities to produce more progeny."

Something clicked in my mind. 

If Wendigo commanders needed fear emanations to power their psychic abilities, but Earth's low magic field messed with their physiology... they'd be like addicts in withdrawal, looking for a VERY particular hit.

Finally, I had something to hook the Wendigos with!

"RECREATIONAL FEAR!" Shady agreed proudly, missing the darker implications in her brain-spider recovery mental state. "Emperor makes great fear snacc! Crunchy! Nom!" Her teeth snapped in front of my face, making me shudder involuntarily.

I pulled out my tablet and quickly typed a message to my resistance network:

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Any luck with seducing the Wendigo Commanders?

[Napoleon (ᕗ ͠° ਊ ͠° )ᕗ]: Nope. All attempts at love-bombing the commanders that occasionally show up to manage the prads have failed thus far. They don’t seem to be interested in pawns we throw at them at all. 

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: I think I know exactly what they want…

I began typing out a plan. Shady slid closer, reading over my shoulder.

"Emperor planning dates for other Wendigos?" she asked.

"Strategic fear distribution," I smiled. “Planning dates for Wendigos, yes. Especially you, Shades. I think that I’m starting to understand you better.”

She considered this. "Princess gets BEST fears, yes? Premium scary moments?"

"You get all my premium terror," I assured her, which was definitely the weirdest romantic promise I'd ever made.

"ACCEPTABLE!" She declared, hugging me tightly.

We spent a few hours at the hotel room, enjoying takeout delivered from the restaurant downstairs and listening to Shady replicating voice recordings of Xandria’s voice that Kawathra pulled out of her database. 

It was late evening by the time we pulled back to my house. I saw Galateya through the window, pacing in the living room. The evening light caught her crystalline hair, making it shimmer with oranges and reds.

"Remember," I repeated to Shady, "you're Commander Xandria. You got lost in a dimensional dungeon three years ago."

"XANDRIA REMEMBERS!" she said too loudly, then caught herself. "I mean... yes. Indeed. Am glorious commander X!"

We piled out of the Seeker, and I led our group to the front door. The moment I opened it, Galateya was there, scales flashing through a spectrum of concerned colors and textures.

"Where have you been? You said a few hours and—" She stopped, staring at Shady in her Commander uniform. "Who...?"

"Galateya," I said, "this is Commander Xandria Frontenachii, my… girlfriend.”

Galateya's scales and hair went pure white. "Your… what?"

Shady stepped forward. "Girlfriend. Ash mine. You blood-bonded him without permission, but Ash MINE. Will murder painfully if you touch. Understand?"

"I... I didn't..." Galateya swallowed as she stepped back into the house. "I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't know that he was claimed. Ash didn't tell me about you and—"

"Don't care," Shady interrupted. "No touching. Only looking. From distance. Far distance!"

Kawathra quickly interjected, "Commander Xandria is still recovering from her ordeal. The dimensional dungeon she was trapped in contained memetic hazards that required a memory reset. I recently had to reconstruct her neural pathways. She's... Still adjusting."

"Memory problems?" Galateya asked, looking somewhat more sympathetic.

"Big problems!" Shady agreed cheerfully. "Forgot many things! But remember Ash! Ash is best circle—I mean, person. Best human! Adjusting circle indeed!”

Galateya gave me a look that implied that she was disappointed in me. I simply shrugged. 

I gestured to the vampire sisters. "And this is North and South, my friends from town. They're going to be staying at my place for a while. Their landlord cut their lease short and shut off their electricity and water and left town due to the invasion.”

"Hi," North waved awkwardly.

South simply nodded, eyeing the dragon girl with a suspicious expression. Keiy emerged out of the hallway and stared at all of us. A red beam flashed out of the gun’s head.

“VAMPIRES!” She yelped. “GAH! You’re all… Wait, that can’t be right.”

The scanner beam flashed again, blinding me. “Slayer damn it all!” She huffed, voice becoming extra-irate. “Arch-Datamancer Kawathra, I’d like to report another deviation!”

“We’re all coming up as crystalloids on your scan?” Kawathra asked with a smile.

“Indeed,” Keiy stated. “Which is impossible. You were all fine this morning. Crystalloid infection cannot possibly happen this quickly, especially in pradavarians. Plus Omnids cannot become vampires at all.” Keiy’s red beam flashed across Shady. “How are you a vampire? What the fuck is happening?!”

Galateya stared at her gun. “Keiy… Did you just swear?”

“Oh piss off,” Keiy grumbled. “How am I supposed to trust my sensors and assign danger levels to someone if I cannot tell if they’re a crystalloid or not? This is fucked! Don’t you get how fucked this is?!”

“You! DEVIOUS HUMAN!” She jabbed a black leg at me. “I bet this is somehow your fault!”

“It’s not,” Kawathra said. “What you’re seeing is a new type of a crystalloid mold.”

“It was probably released into the air when Seeker Alpha obliterated the vamp compound from orbit,” Nexxali added. “The vampire thralls we fought today were covered in the stuff! Sux, but that’s life. Assuredly, none of us are vamps, Unit Keiy. Feel free to scan Seeker Kappa for the same residue.” 

Keiy huffed and walked out of the house. She walked around Seeker Kappa, flashing the centipede with her red beam. 

“Oh come on! This is not fair!” She whined. “Great, even the Seeker is showing up as a hostile crystalloid! Arghhh!”

"So," Galateya said carefully as we walked into the living room, "you were trapped in a dimensional dungeon?"

"YES!" Shady declared. "Very trapped! Many squares—I mean, many difficulties! Terrible geometry everywhere! Angles that shouldn't exist! But now found Ashy again! Much better!"

"And you two were... together before?" Galateya's voice carried a note of hurt.

I opened my mouth to explain, but Shady beat me to it.

"Ash MINE since..." she paused, clearly trying to remember what we'd discussed. "Since BEFORE! Very before! Many befores ago!"

"Over a decade," I said.

“OVER TEN BEFORES!" Shady agreed triumphantly. "Best boyfriend! Makes excellent circles—FOOD! Makes excellent food! Promised fright date soon!"

Galateya’s face and mane rippled with waves of jagged jade and emerald. "I see. And you didn't think to mention your Commander girlfriend when your great-grandmother ordered me to bind you?"

“Would you have agreed to it if I did?” I asked.

“Obviously not!” She snarled, icicles growing from her mane. “You’ve put me into a shit situation here, Ash! Now…”

“No threaten boyfriend with icicles or I snap neck.” Shady stated bluntly, looming over Galateya with black antlers and probably scaring the hell out of the poor Taniwha.

The dragon girl’s mane melted instantly. She stepped further back. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Listen, I didn’t… I’m the victim here! He tricked me and it’s not fair to either of us…”

“SILENCE!” Shady barked. “Is VERY FAIR! FAIREST POSSIBLE! Ashy is best Em—uhm, penguin circle boyfriend! Very cute! You on probation, till I figure out what you are.”

She began sharking around Galateya, sniffing the distraught-looking dragon girl.

“I’m a…” Galateya began.

“A Taniwha,” Shady stated in Galateya’s voice. “Sus dragon… changing shape. Why? First cat, then vamp, now dragon. I leave Ashy for one day… ONE DAY and all these circle courtiers show up!” The Wendigo grumbled.

I wanted to say that all of this was Shady’s fault. That if Shady didn’t try to hide in my house on Earth, didn’t eat the damned brain spiders, then none of this would have happened. I chose not to voice my opinion, since I didn’t want to reveal to Galateya that Shady was the Frontenachii Princess.

“Hey, um, soo… How’s Piotr doing?” I asked instead, redirecting the conversation away from the relationship mess I’ve got myself into.

“We had dinner, watched some tv, walked around the mansion and he picked a bedroom to pass out in,” Galateya replied briskly. “It’s around three AM in Poland now.”

"Ashy! PASTA!" Nexxali helpfully materialized beside me. "I demand pasta! All the pasta!” The serval dragged me into the kitchen away from Galateya’s glare. Shady followed me like a dark, antlerred shadow, casting suspicious glances back at Galateya.

"Right, pasta it is." I commented as I started pulling pots from the cabinets.

Nexxali grabbed my arm. "No! Not enough! Need MORE pots!"

"How many pots do you need for pasta?" I asked.

"ALL OF THEM!" She began ransacking the kitchen, pulling out every pot she could find. 

“Are you planning to cook all of the pasta you bought today?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, today!” Nexxali declared.

I pointed at the old gas stove. “The stove only has four burners…”

"Fine! FOUR chosen types of pasta!" Nexxali announced, arranging four of the biggest conquered pots atop the stove. "I choose… Uhhhh...” She stared intently at her army of purchased boxes. “Wagon wheels, alphabet letters, Easy Mac and bow-ties! Commence cooking ritual!”

"Why do we need to cook them all at once?" I asked, already knowing this was a losing battle.

"Because how else will I understand the TRUTH of the pasta variety paradox?" She grabbed a box of wagon wheels, studying it with the intensity of someone decoding nuclear launch codes. "These ones have SPOKES, Ash. SPOKES!"

Behind us, Galateya and Shady were having what could generously be called a "conversation" but was really more of a territorial standoff.

“Why are you staring at me so hard?” Galateya asked.

55: Sharing Orders

"You're thinking about E-rrr, Ashy mine," Shady accused, silver eyes narrowed. "I can taste your lewd thoughts from here!"

"I'm not—" Galateya's scales flushed pink.

"LIES! You’re angry at him… but… THOUGHT-EVIDENCE OF YEARNING DETECTED!" Shady growled, pointing an accusing claw at Galateya. “You’re contemplating the book cafe date, you devious dragon! Thinking about hand holding!"

"Stop reading my thoughts!" Galateya demanded, her scales flashing through irritated oranges.

"No," Shady said flatly. "I am Commander. You are suspicious dragon who thinks about MY Ashy. Therefore, I do what I want for Ashy-safety purposes. Strategic thought surveillance!"

“You damned Wendigos are all the same,” Galateya growled. “And here I thought that Ash would have picked a decent…”

“Protecting valuable human assets from dragon yearning!" Shady countered, crossing her arms. "Your brain is extra loud. Like... like microwave beeping, but emotional!"

I ignored their bickering with a sigh, looking back at the stove.

"The water's boiling," Nexxali elbowed me excitedly. "Yes! The ritual begins!" She dumped an entire box of wagon wheels into pot one. "Activate the dark power of human engineering!"

"It's just pasta shaped like—"

"FOOD ENGINEERING!" she insisted, then poured alphabet pasta into pot two. "Behold! THE ENTIRE LANGUAGE! In edible form! Do you understand the implications?"

"No?"

"Each meal could contain a story! An unexpected narrative with each meal!" She grabbed the Easy Mac box. "And this one claims to be EASY! Easy compared to what? Is regular mac hard? Is there a Difficult Mac? An Impossible Mac? Do I unlock the regular mac after I master the Easy Mac? How many pastas must I consume to unlock the final Mac stage?"

"Nexxali, I think you're way overthinking—"

"And BOW TIES!" She held up the last box. "Formal wear! For food! Your pasta has a dress code! Why?"

I stirred the wagon wheels with an eye-roll. "You know they all taste basically the same, right?"

She gasped. "HERESY! Each shape clearly has unique sauce-retention properties! Surface area ratios! Structural integrity factors!"

"You've really thought about this."

"I've thought about nothing else since I’ve raided your food shop!" She grabbed a wooden spoon and began conducting the boiling pots like an orchestra. "I have chosen the wagon wheels for transportation! The letters for communication! The mac for simplicity! The bow ties for sophistication! Together they form the four pillars of pasta civilization!"

“Riiiiiight,” I said.

Kawathra’s Voicecast ring flashed. “Yes?” The magpie asked, tapping the ring.

"KAWATHRA! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Linari's voice blasted through at maximum volume. "What have you done with Piotr?! He's not answering his V-ring! We’ve finally finished clearing the crystalloid compound and I wanted to check on you two, but you’re not in Seeker Alpha! You left in Kappa and haven’t reported fuck all! There’s no logs of where you EVEN went!"

"Piotr sleeping," Kawathra replied calmly. "It's 3 AM in Poland—"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS IN POLAND! You obviously kidnapped MY human!"

"I didn't kidnap anyone. He agreed to come with me for strategic—"

"STRATEGIC MY TAIL! You've been trying to steal him from me since this morning! I'm coming over there RIGHT NOW!"

"Linari, that's not necessary—"

"Yes it is! I’m onto you, bird. Your V-ring’s transponder is active, you amateur!"

The line went dead.

"Great," I muttered. "How long until she gets here?"

"Based on standard glider velocity from Division 881's current position..." Kawathra calculated rapidly. "Four minutes."

Shady tilted her head, considering the new problem. "Simple solution! Break wolf neck. No smelling, no problem!"

"We're not breaking Linari's neck!" I stated.

"Why not? Very efficient! Snap!" She made a twisting motion with her large hands. "Then resurrection later. No permanent harm! Like… aggressive nap!"

“Why are you planning to break Linari’s neck?” Galateya wondered.

“Only if she sniffs my secrets!” Shady’s dark tail lashed. “My secrets are mine to keep! Immediate neck adjustment! Strategic vertebrae reorganization!"

“You keep sniffing out my thoughts without asking,” Galateya pointed out.

“For Ashy mine!” Shady defended her actions. “Too many sus suitors around already! Must keep my little, defenseless Emperor penguin safe!”

"No neck breaking," I said firmly, though I knew trying to physically restrain seven feet of possessive Wendigo would be like trying to stop a freight train with a strongly worded letter.

"Maybe little neck breaking?" she bargained. "Just tiny crack? For safety?"

"Xandy,” I said. “You’re not to break anyone’s neck. If anyone doesn’t want the Scrutimancer to sniff their personal secrets, head upstairs right now please.”

The vampire girls looked at each other, stood up from the living room couch and departed up the stairwell. Nexxali stayed where she was, preoccupied with pasta boiling. Shady remained at my side. I looked at her.

“I’m staying. Dragon must be supervised! No alone time with Emperor! Commander Xandria has spoken!"

I sighed.

In a few minutes, a high-pitched whine filled the air. Through the window, I watched a sleek glider descending at what had to be barely-legal atmospheric speeds, leaving a trail of disturbed air that made my ears pop.

The glider hadn't even fully landed before Linari launched herself from it, hitting the ground running on all fours. Her eyes blazed with fury as she bounded across the driveway.

"BIRD THIEF!" Linari roared, bursting through my dragon-damaged front door. "WHERE IS MY STORMY?!"

Kawathra barely had time to squawk before Linari tackled her, sending them both across my devastated living room. I felt an unnerving sense of déjà vu as they swatted each other. 

"He's MINE!" Linari snarled, pinning the magpie. "I saw him first! I gave him a V-ring! We had connection moments!"

"Statistical analysis suggests—OW! Stop biting my neck!" Kawathra flapped frantically. "This is highly unprofessional conduct for an Alpha-Scrutimancer!"

"I'll show you unprofessional!" Linari grabbed a handful of black-rainbow feathers.

Before I could intervene, Shady moved. One moment she was beside me, the next she'd grabbed both pradavarians by their scruffs like misbehaving kittens. She lifted them both off the ground—Linari still holding some of Kawathra's head feathers, Kawathra's talons tangled in Linari's armor.

"CEASE UNACCEPTABLE INDOOR VIOLENCE!" Shady bellowed in what sounded as an attempt at Xandria's voice but came out more like an angry foghorn. She shook them both vigorously. "BAD PRADS! VERY BAD!"

"Who the fuck—" Linari started, then her eyes went wide as she took in Shady's uniform and imposing presence. “Oh shit, a Frontenachii…”

“YES! Am Frontenachii P—Commander Xandy!” Shady growled. “Very disappointed in pradavarian lack of sharing protocols!”

"Sharing?" Linari managed between shakes. "That bird is trying to steal—"

"BOTH WRONG!" Shady declared. "Proper protocol is COOPERATION! You!" She held Linari up to eye level. "Wolf likes human Storm, yes? I see him in your mind."

"Yes, but—"

"And YOU!" White rows of teeth snapped at Kawathra. "Bird also likes Storm boy?"

"The probability matrices suggest mutual benefit from—" the magpie trembled.

"BOTH LIKE! THEREFORE BOTH SHARE!" Shady announced as if she'd solved world hunger. "Take turns! Monday, Wednesday, Friday for wolf! Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday for bird! Sunday for Storm recovery! Perfect circle schedule!"

"I want—!" Linari protested.

"My calculations require—" Kawathra began.

Shady shook them harder. "NO ARGUING! Commander decides! Sharing is mandatory! Fight again, get thrown in lake! Very cold lake! With… lake monsters!"

"There aren't lake monsters in—" I started.

"DEFINITELY LAKE MONSTERS!" Shady insisted, silver eyes gleaming. "Hungry ones! That eat selfish prads who don't share humans properly! Will populate lake with monsters, then throw both in. Maybe break necks first. Right now.” She growled deeply, making everyone present shudder.

Ah. She was feeding on all of us. She wasn’t actually going to break any necks. I realized. This was all a show, a performance, a way to scare the bejesus out of the two prad girls and Galateya.

She set the bird and wolf both down but kept one massive hand on each of their heads, holding them in place. "Now! Apologize! Make friend circles!"

Linari and Kawathra glared at each other.

Shady's grip tightened slightly. "Apologize or lake monsters get dinner."

"Sorry for tackling you," Linari muttered, nervously looking at Shady.

"Apologies for the statistical superiority complex," Kawathra added grudgingly.

"Better!" Shady released them. "Now discuss sharing arrangement like civilized predator species! Use words, not claws!"

"Commander," Linari said carefully, "with respect, I don't think you understand—"

"Understand perfectly!" Shady interrupted. "Storm boy has two hands! Can hold both paws! Er... talons and paws! Efficient hand usage! Also..." She leaned in conspiratorially. "Storm boy sleeping upstairs. You too busy fighting! Too loud! Probably going to wake him up! Bad girlfriend behavior!"

Both prads had the grace to look ashamed as she smacked both of their heads from behind.

"But..." Linari's ears drooped. "I don't want to share."

"I don't want wolf getting all the good moments," Kawathra added sullenly.

Shady sighed dramatically, then plopped down cross-legged on my destroyed living room floor, pulling both prads down with her. "Story time! Once upon a time, a magical pri—I mean, Commander Xandria—had to share favorite human with sus dragon!"

"You mean Ash?" Galateya asked from the kitchen doorway.

"YES! MY ASH!" Shady pointed at me. "But stupid dragon made blood bond! Very rude! So now must share! But sharing better than fighting because fighting means nobody gets human snuggles!"

"Snuggles with their dedicated consort are statistically proven to improve morale by 34%," Kawathra added, pulling up a chart.

"See? Bird understands numbers! Wolf understands feelings! Together, make perfect Storm-appreciation team!" Shady beamed. "Cooperation achievement unlocked!"

Nexxali wandered in from the kitchen, holding a bowl of Easy Mac. "Are we teaching the children to share now? How maternal of you, Commander Xandy."

Shady preened. "Commander very wise! Knows all about sharing!"

Galateya squinted at her.

The wolf relaxed. Then she inhaled deep and stared at Shady. She inhaled again. “What the fuck?”

“Yeeees?” Shady asked, knuckles cracking. “You better not be smelling my secrets. I no tolerate personal sniffery!”

“I would never smell a Frontenachii Commander’s secrets, my Lady!” Linari yelped. “My blood contract forbids such actions! I… It’s just that… Why… Do you smell like a crystalloid? Why does everyone here smell like you’ve all been bathing in vampire juices for weeks?”

“Ah, that. It's a new crystalloid bloom variant,” Nexxali explained, sitting down on the couch and sprinkling her Easy Mac bowl with what I suspected was catnip leaves. “Very smelly. Extra syntropic.”

“This is… very bad,” Linari deduced. “I can’t tell…”

“Cry me a river, Alpha-Scrut. Sucks to be a sniffer today,” the serval shrugged. “N’ways, nobody in this house is a vamp, obviously. Don’t bother smelling for vamps, you’ll give yourself a migraine. Our sensors are all going berserk.”

“Damn it,” Linari whined.

“Alpha-Scrut Linari. Do NOT try to sniff where we’ve all been,” the Marshal’s voice became unnaturally deep and echoey. “We’ve had a VERY busy day hunting crystalloids with commander Xandria. That’s all you need to know. If you attempt to smell anyone’s thoughts in this house, I will personally execute you. Everyone here, including the four humans, now works for me and Xandy under a VERY special, classified mission for a Legate. Is that understood?”

“Understood Marshal,” Linari nodded, eyes glassy.

“Good, at ease,” the serval girl relaxed, stuffing her mouth full of spiked pasta. 

Her pupils went wide and she started purring. “Oh yeah, this is the good stuff. Uuuhhhh, yeah. Human bae, commer and gimme pets. You too… Xandy.”

. . .

As darkness fell, I built a fire in the old fire pit, using wood from the pile Grandpa had left. The flames cast dancing shadows across the yard, and everyone gradually migrated outside with plates of food. Piotr had woken up and together we cooked many rare steaks for the girls.

The Polish man now sat in one corner of the garden with Kawathra and Linari, the trio chatting away in their little personal bubble.

Galateya sat across from me with South and North, the trio discussing their favorite romance and fantasy novels.

Keiy sat together with Etty, the guns complaining at each other that everyone smelled like crystalloids. I gave them cups of tea, which made both of the guns blush.

"This is soooo nice," Nexxali said, stretching beside me and Shady on a log bench. "Normal. Precious."

"You've never just sat around a fire before?" I wondered.

"Not for a long time. Not without someone getting executed or threatened," she said. "Frontenachii bonfires are usually for... demonstrations."

56: Wiggle Food Song

We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, watching Shady attempt to roast a marshmallow with her long, black claw. She kept setting them on fire and eating them anyway while North attempted to teach her proper technique.

The Marshal stole my tablet and was browsing Geddit alien invasion and HFY story subs, giggling to herself as she read the top upvoted human/aliens shipping stories.

"You know… I really… like you, Ashy," Nexxali put the tablet down, sliding super close and looking into my eyes. "And not just because of you running me over and collaring me. You're... different."

"Different how?"

"You see us as people. Not tools or assets. People." She flexed her gloves fingers, making claws appear and vanish. "Do you know how rare that is? Everyone up there on that damned fleet sees each other as resources first, individuals never. But you just gave the guns tea. Guns! It’s like… you're teaching everyone to be human." She knowingly eyed the vampire girls.

"Everyone deserves to be more than their assigned function," I said. “Who do you want to be?”

"I want to be…" she considered, her golden eyes reflecting the firelight. "More than a Marshal Commandant who cleans up messes. I… Back on Desolada, before the blood contract, before the fleet... I used to play music."

"Desolada?"

"My homeworld. A desert savanna, endless red grass, deserts and twin suns. The nights were rare and so quiet you could hear the wind singing across the dunes from miles away." Her voice grew distant. "I haven't thought about it in decades.”

“Why not?”

“I ordered myself not to think about it,” she said. “It was distracting me…”

“How are you thinking about it now then?” I wondered.

“The catnip,” she shrugged. “It’s wobbling my mind sideways, decaying my own Charmchains. Plus your linear Aether. All this wobbleness… I think I am getting you.”

“Are you?”

“Uh-huh,” she nodded at Shady. “You’re… the way you are because she chose you.”

“Xandy chooses best choices.” Shady commented wisely, licking her fingers and resuming igniting marshmallows.

“A very talented Frontenachii claimed your younger self and that bond... it protected you. Made you more than human,” Nexxali rambled. 

“What am I, if not human?” I asked.

“Extra-human,” Nexxali guessed. “Like human to the power of human.”

“You’re high,” I chortled.

“Maybe I am,” she shrugged. “Or maybe, this non-magical grass is activating parts of my brain that I locked up a long, long time ago… so as not to cry about everything I’ve lost.”

“Not lost, found,” Shady patted the serval. “I found a kitty-me. Unexpected soft!”

“Found, yes,” Nexxali said, gold-eyes gliding from me to Shady, to North to Galateya. “None of this is possible.”

“What do you mean?” I wondered. “How isn’t us chilling by this fire pit possible?”

“There are things that the Wendigo Omnids fear,” Nexxali whispered. “The worst of it all are... System Wizards. Weavers of narratives. Modders of reality.”

“Pretty sure none of us is a System Wizard,” I said.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” the serval expressed, looking at the constellations igniting across the night sky. “I’m saying that… all of us, meeting each other on this linear Earth is mathematically impossible.”

“Why?” North asked.

“Mothman gates open doors to doomed worlds,” Nexxali revealed. “This is not a doomed world. It’s full of life and pasta and… friendship. Nobody here is dying horribly from Celestorms.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” I wondered.

“I dunno what kind of a thing it is,” the cat girl pursed her lips. “It’s a frustrating and scary thing. I’ve read a report from the Datamancer Arch-Coven. This Earth is outside of the finite boundary curve. There’s no Wormwood Star here. None of us should have gotten here and yet we all did. System Wizards are scary because they make you question the nature of reality…” she shuddered. “Are we mere characters, trapped within the improbable parameters of their reality-modding narrative, or do we actually have free will?”

“Is probably my fault,” Shady commented. “I was here first… I think.”

“You think?” I asked pointedly.

“Maybe,” she shrugged. “I… I don’t know how I got here. I don’t remember things right.”

I looked at her, but she didn’t say anything else. 

“Want to play some… music?” I asked Nexxali.

She nodded.

I stood up. "Wait here."

I went inside and grabbed my old acoustic guitar from the closet, returning to the fire pit. “Think you can use this?”

"That's… a guitar," she reached out tentatively. "Yes. We had similar instruments on Desolada, made from monster parts. May I?"

I handed it to her. She cradled it like something precious, adjusting her grip to accommodate her larger hands. Her claws found the frets.

"It's been so long," she smiled, strumming experimentally. The sound was slightly off, but she quickly adjusted the tuning with practiced ease. "The strings are different. Tad softer. Steel wire instead of sinew."

“Sinew? That's... kind of metal." South commented.

Nexxali smiled softly. "Everything on Desolada tries to kill you. We made tools from whatever we murdered."

She played a few chords. The tune was utterly alien and beautiful, featuring odd intervals entwined with cat-noises and humming. The firelight caught her face as she concentrated, and for a moment I saw not the Marshal Commandant but the person she might have been long ago.

"On Desolada, we sang to keep the sand spirits calm, to keep the Celestorms from waking up the worst kinds of demons buried in the depths of the world," she said, fingers moving across the strings. "Music was... it was sacred. Then the Frontenachii came and offered me the stars, offering us salvation from the doom our Seers saw in our future.”

She looked around the fire at the group. Shady stopped destroying marshmallows to watch. Even Galateya and the vampire sisters seemed transfixed. Fireflies ignited across the garden.

"Hrmmm. I want to play something relevant, but I don't know any Earth songs," Nexxali said.

"Make one up," I suggested. "Sing about whatever you want. Whatever you're feeling."

"I haven't sang in so long," she murmured. "After the blood contract, there wasn’t a point. No one wants to hear their cleanup specialist sing."

"I do," I said.

“We all do!” Shady bobbed. 

The others voiced their agreement.

She looked at everyone, smiled and then began to strum. Her voice echoed across the garden, filled with soft, playful and… silly undertones.

"Meow! Meow! Mmmm... mmm...

This just might be the catnip talking,
But your pasta comes in wheels with spokes!
Where does wiggle food need to be rolling?
Are these... transportation jokes?"

The guitar strums accompanied her perfectly, entwining with each verse.

"You've got spirals, tubes, and bow-ties fancy,
Little shells like... from the beach,
Angels' hair so thin and dancy—
What crimes are you trying to teach?"

Her voice grew stronger, more confident. I could feel the subtle, increasing pull of her Charmchain. Instead of clawing at my mind, it felt caressing, warm and inviting. Drawing me gently deeper into the absurdity of her pasta song.

"Meow, miaow, pass the rotini,
Watch it spin around my claw,
Is it magic? Is it meanie?
No! But it's the best damned thing that I ever saw!"

Shady was bouncing excitedly, the vampires were staring in amazement. Galeteya had her eyes closed, a smile gracing her lips. 

Nexxali continued, her whole body moving with the music:

"I came to conquer, make you bow and crawl,
My voice could shatter any will,
But you just fed me catnip leaves so small,
And suddenly I couldn't kill!"

She looked directly at me for the next verse.

"I should end you, that's my training,
Clean up messes, make them disappear,
But here I am, contemplating...
Why you're not petting me behind my ear!"

Shady laughed.

"Maybe it's the way you take my breath away,
Even though I tried to have your brains blown,
Or how you drove me over, reverse, forward, play!
Violence is the love language that you've shown!"

I rolled my eyes at her as she hummed, strumming softly. Her voice softened.

"You fed me wagon wheels for dinner,
I thought they'd roll right off my plate,
But they stayed still... I'm not a winner
At understanding pasta fate!

Why are your noodles alphabet letters?
Do they spell out secret codes?
Each shape just makes my brain feel wetter,
Like I'm licking psychic toads!"

Her fingers struck the strings.

“Easy Mac! For stupid people!
But I ate three boxes whole,
Now I worship at the steeple
Of the Church of Pasta Bowl

You say 'it's just shapes of wheat'
But I know there's more at play,
Why else would you run me over
Then collar me the very same day?

Maybe conquest isn't power,
Maybe glory isn't fame,
Maybe it's this very hour,
Singing of shapes without a name!”

Shady sang along with the "Meow, miaow!" parts, in Nexxali’s stolen voice with tremendous enthusiasm.

"I'm supposed to be commanding,
But I'd rather sit here nomming carbs,
Your pasta's given an understanding—
Of love that tastes better than the stars!"

Nexxali finished with a flourish. The last chord hung in the air. Then Shady erupted in roaring applause, followed by everyone else.

"MUSIC binding CIRCLE!" Shady declared. "Cat makes excellent sounds! Do more!"

Nexxali's ears flattened with embarrassment. "It's just a silly song about pasta."

"It's perfect," I said.

"That was..." Galateya started, then stopped, scales shimmering with radiant rainbows.

"That was definitely you," I said to Nexxali. "The real you. A side of you I haven't seen before."

The serval set the guitar down, sat on the ground and leaned against my shoulder. "I forgot what it felt like. To just... create something. Not for a mission or an order… Just because I felt like it."

"You're really good," Piotr yelled from where he sat with his prad girls. "Like, professionally good. That melody was great!"

"On Desolada, I would have become a song-keeper," she said. "Someone who preserved the old melodies, taught them to the cubs. Instead, I became..." she gestured at herself.

"You became someone who survived," I said. "And now you get to become something more."

“Something different!” Shady interjected. "One pasta shape at a time!"

"You know, when I first landed on this planet, I thought humans were going to be easy to control. Simple. Primitive."

"And?"

"Now I think you might be the most dangerous species we've ever encountered. Not because of your weapons, or no-mag technology, but because..." she paused, searching for words. "Because you make us all want to be more than we are. So much more."

"Play another song?" North asked. "Something from your world?"

Nexxali picked up the guitar again. As her claws found the strings, she began to play a melody that sounded like wind over sand. She sang of mountain-high Celestorms rolling over endless savanna bringing monstrous abominations into existence, of home and heartbreak and hope all at once. Of life and death entwined in a cycle beneath the fire of twin suns.

We sat around the fire until late into the night, alien and human and everything in between, united by music and marshmallows and the simple act of choosing to be more than what we were made to be.

Everyone began dispersing to their claimed rooms as the fire died down to glowing embers. I walked upstairs with Shady, her hand wrapped possessively around mine. Nexxali followed us, her golden eyes tracking our movements. She paused at my bedroom door, ears twitching as she looked down the hallway, apparently waiting to see if anyone else would join us.

When no one appeared, she slipped inside and closed the door with a decisive click.

"So," she said, tapping her hexasuit collar. “Let's get down to… pancake business.”

The black material liquified and flowed off her body, condensing into a single thick hexagon that she set on the dresser. She stood there in her natural fur, ginger and black stripes catching the moonlight from the window, completely unashamed of her curves. 

"Pancake business?" I asked, staring at her naked body.

Nexxali moved her hands slowly down her sides, biting her lower lip. "I think you know what kind. The juicy stuff your people write about on that Geddit forum."