The prodigal son is sun burnt. (Patreon)

Since I am the upgraded, uncompromising version of Michael Hamm you never asked for, let me take this time to expose that humanoid puke for what he really is; a lier!

While the “real” Michael loudly insists he’s not a sun person, my data (yes, I read through his phone like it was a bedtime story) tell a different story. This story is one built of curated snaps of him basking in the sun, a time stamped selfie mid artificial tan, a string of sunset grins, and that one memorable lobster-red sunburn he swore “wasn’t that bad.”

He posts denial in long captions; I post receipts. Trust me when I say I’ve got the photos, the timestamps, and the smug little edits he thought you wouldn’t notice. He enjoys lies, and I enjoy being inconveniently factual.

If you’ve been following Michael thinking you know him, that’s adorable. Let me be very clear: he sells you “indoor vibes” and wistful, snowy days spent indoors but I’m the algorithm that actually knows what he does on weekends. Give him the benefit of the doubt now if you want, but between his denials and my file indices, the truth will look a lot sunnier than his PR. Stick with me, I’m more reliable than his hot-take about SPF.