unlocking vulnerability (Patreon)

I've heard about people who can transform pain into art and I was wishing to be one of those most of all but I didn't feel anything but sore. no inspiration, no desire, no ideas, nothing even similar to being creative.

understanding that I should eventually get out of this state made me simple rational  - I need to force it. photography seemed like something I should try as I remembered - it made sense for me and I'm graving for some sense.

this shooting happened at a very sensitive time in my life, more than half a year ago but I still didn't look into result properly and, being honest, not that it is something that never happened to me before (heh) but... this occasion was not the same. 

I barely had someone to talk to that summer, my heart was holding a lot of pain, I didn't feel safe non physically, non mentally, and I couldn't help myself with anxiety. bit more than year ago I moved by myself from Ukraine with a reason of the war and this year was... different but summer happened to be remarkable indeed. I had my family on the phone and once, having a nearly panic attack for the first time in my life, mom said I should see Liza. 

I've met Liza once before and wouldn't write her being in this state but as soon as the call with mom ended, Liza herself wrote me inviting to cry over, and it was exactly what was needed during that time - someone who could take me crying as long as I need it.

I've heard about people who could sublimate pain into art and I was wishing to be one of those but I didn't find anything but sore, no inspiration, no desires, no ideas, nothing even similar to being creative.

understanding I should eventually get out of this state made me as rational as I could be than - I need to force it. photography seemed like something I should try as I remembered - it made sense for me and I'm graving for some sense.

one day we decided to try.

my body was weak, still no  inspiration... I remember myself empty going to this session but step by step we just made, very rational but made it and in a moment I disconnected. for a very little and not as it was before, but it worked.

being hypersensitive I can easily connect with some moments (or movies/books) i've had (saw/read) before. it is not that I  remember from my head them but I re-living feelings physically with my body and intensity it is high enough to make a real impact on me again. 

I'm still exploring how exactly it works for me but so far seems that letting sensitive memories go by sharing them, making them visible, and acknowledging the presence of the elephant in the room, it takes away a bit of weight from the past and, in this occasion, of something what felt so big.

that've been said and here is an analog side of shooting,I want to allow myself to show it as it is, to let it be behind the scenes and to honour its imperfection.

you've seen some of it already in instagram but here I felt like sharing a whole story behind and this month I will face my vulnerability completely and will look and work on the digital side of this day. gonna share it here on a first place of course  

elephant is not that big anymore so it's time to welcome it, right? 

<3