Dungeon Crawler Carl recap of Book 6 The Eye of the Bedlam Bride Plus NEWS NEWS NEWS (Patreon)

This entire post is book 7 spoiler free.

Hey everyone. If you're paid, you've already seen this inside the book file, but since we opened the poll up to the public I figured I'd make this bit public as well. This is the recap of book 6 that appears in the very, very beginning of book 7.

If you'd rather have Jeff Hays read it to you and hear a little more about the poll:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yth1YfWE9A

Also! Book 7 This Inevitable Ruin is NOW AVAILABLE in paperback. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0DLTHPBQJ Ebook on Monday! Jeff Hays COLD READS start in a few weeks. Audio out Feb. 11.

EVENTS!

(Basic note. If the event is at a bookstore, they will have their own rules, but generally they will have books 1-3 in hardcover. If it's a con or something weird, like the Vegas Rave, BRING YOUR OWN BOOK. None of these stores will have copies of book 7 on hand. )

THIS THURSDAY (As in the day after tomorrow on Nov 7) . I will be at Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego having a chat with my buddy Kiersten White. Tickets and information at: https://www.mystgalaxy.com/110724Dinniman

And the following Friday November 15th I will be at Rave in Vegas: https://www.authornation.live/rave (BRING YOUR OWN BOOKS IF YOU GO. I WILL HAVE VERY, VERY FEW BOOKS)

November 22nd I will be at Powells in Beaverton, OR https://www.powells.com/book/dungeon-crawler-carl-vol-01-9780593820247/2-2

Then King's English and DragonSteel in Salt Lake City. Dragonsteel is long sold out but I will be at the King's English in SLC the night before (Wed December 4) w/Daniel Greene) https://www.kingsenglish.com/events/1238220241204

And finally, the French edition of Dungeon Crawler Carl releases in two days for print and a month or two for French audio. We have multiple other languages forthcoming. Stay tuned.


Enough of this bait and switch commercial bullshit. Take me to the goddamned recap:


TEMPEST'S FLOOR 8 REPORT

“I gotta tell you, honey,” Quasar said. “You really need an exfoliating treatment. Maybe put some lotion on those hands.” 

“Look, asshole,” Tempest said, looking up. “I don’t criticize how you do your lawyering. I don’t criticize those stupid ties you insist on wearing. You don’t need to criticize how I fix your plumbing, especially when we both know I have no idea what I’m doing.” 

“Tits, kid, I’m not criticizing your work. I’m just pointing out how rough your skin looks.”

“What the fuck does my skin have to do with anything? Are you some sort of pervert? And we agreed to a trade, so get talking.”

“First off, you’re my niece, and I’m looking after your health. Secondly, I absolutely won’t answer that second question because of my answer to the first question. But, yes. Though your dad is worse. Ask him about the petting zoo incident. And what do you need this for again?” 

The young nullian rolled her eyes. “I told you, Quasar. I have a report due on perceptions of the crawl, and I’m interviewing people, having them give me recaps, and I was assigned Carl and Donut. Obviously my teacher assigned me them because I’m related to you, and if I don’t interview you about it, I will fail. Most everyone else I’m interviewing is just giving me their answers for free. I don’t see why you have to be such a dick about it.” 

“Most people love the sound of their own biscuit holes flapping. I am very busy, and my time is valuable. You want information, you should learn to trade for it. It’s good for you.”

“But why have me fix your sink? Why do you even have this thing? I don’t know shit about this old plumbing stuff. Can’t you do it yourself?” 

“I could, but I’m teaching you a valuable life lesson. Never give shit up for free because if you do, they’ll just keep coming back to you and will expect more and more.” 

“The only lesson I’ve learned today is that my uncle is a colossal prick,” Tempest said. “Now start talking.” 

“Okay,” Quasar said. “Carl fucked shit up. He fucked up a little in the end and now has a spider stuck in his chest. The end.”

“I swear to the gods old and new if you don’t give me what I want I am going to tell my father that you said you’re my real dad.” 

“Now we’re talking, kid,” Quasar said. “Keep saying shit like that, and you’ll get far.” He pulled his vape out and took a pull while she clicked the recorder on her wrist. The recording unit beeped.

“Okay, so. The eighth floor. Supposed to be a bullshit filler floor so the pricks running all this can drag it out as much as possible and collect as much tug money as they can. You get me so far? The whole thing of the floor was they had to collect monster cards to fight with. A bold choice, honestly. Some people hate that nerd shit, especially when there’s lots of rules, but I say, whatever. Did you see the tiddies on that Medusa card that one guy had? Too bad he saw ‘em too. 

“Anyway, Donut and Carl got stuck in a place called Cuba, and they collected several cards. In the end, they ended up with a seal thing; a crab named Raul; a giant, terrifying cat; this donkey snake thing; a guy named Uzi Jesus and another guy named Asojano, who both got combined to another guy named Lazarus. Oh, and he had a card named Alpha Carl that was really just Carl but with way better hair and a much cooler voice. In the end, they had to use these cards to fight other card-wielding monsters. These fights were like a Saccathian orgy. They all started off all organized with people following the ground rules, but the moment something weird happened, there was a lot of crying, a lot of bleeding, and a whole lot of screaming confusion.”

“You know I have to put all this in a school report, right? And what about the spider? You forgot to mention her.” 

“Your teacher is Miss Guss, ain’t it? Yeah, I won’t be saying anything ol’ Anal Beads hasn’t heard, believe me. Nowadays she can probably turn a carrot flaccid, but back in the day when she was my and your dad’s teacher... Wow. Anyway, Carl’s team basically got donkey fucked by the system, and it looked like they wouldn’t get a key to the next floor. There was this little ass-smear of a prick named Quan. You know your grandmother? Yeah. He was kinda like her, but not as bad. Anyway. That little, sadistic nipple hair stole Carl’s key, so Carl pretty much had to kill him, though he didn’t get a player killer skull. And right afterward, though, this other crawler that people kinda liked died. Her name was Tsren... I don’t fucking remember, but she was a dog girl with a flamethrower and a pet meatball, and now Carl has both the flamethrower and the meatball. It was sad as shit.” 

“What else happened that you can recall?” 

“So, there was this other chick on the floor. A nun. Sister Ines, who was actually like a serial killer lady. She was a cat girl, by the way. That was funny as shit because Princess Donut did not like her. The nun lady went insane, though there’s some question on how it happened. At the end there, she pretty much started working with the Sheol demon, Amayon, who came to the world during a demon eviction event, and Louis ended up putting her down. But in doing so, Louis ended up marked for death by a god that was sponsored by those weirdo Nebulars. Luckily for Louis, that same god, Ysalte ended up killed by Paz, who’d gotten turned into a card. Also, something else happened after that god died that only us viewers saw, something that’s going to be a big deal later. It has to do with one of the ladies in the party, but I can’t remember her name.” 

“That’s so confusing.” 

“You want confusing? Ask me how they got into the stairwells at the end. It’s not really important. Look, the important stuff you need to remember is that on this upcoming ninth floor, neither Donut nor Katia can leave until all the Naga are dead. And even once that happens, only one of them can leave. So Katia has this deal with that rich CEO lady sponsoring the goddess Eileithyia to go to the 12th and be a celestial attendant. Katia has to eat this flower thing, which is going to give her three choices. One of which is to be a 12th floor attendant. If it all works, only then can Donut leave. It’s because they both put on some tiara.”

“Huanxin Jinx was the sponsor, right? Yeah, I’m not too familiar with this whole part. Isn’t she the one who cloned herself? The one that got banned years ago for cheating?”

“Same one. When she got banned, it was Princess Donut’s manager, Mordecai, who got railgunned by it. Anyway, there are now ten teams on faction wars. The Princess Posse is one of the teams. One of the teams are the NPCs, led by a psychotic changeling named Juice Box, who has been running around, killing everybody until the system put a stop to it by making her a warlord. She’s in love with that guy, Louis.”

“I like Louis. I’d sure be sad if something terrible happened to him this next floor. He’s the one that kept having sex with the changeling and making her morph into historical figures from Earth.” 

“Exactly, and that was Juice Box. Which goes back to rule number one. Be careful who you’re nice to. Because if you are nice to the wrong person, they’ll either take advantage of you, or worse, they might never leave.” 

“That seems like terrible advice, Uncle Quasar.” 

“No, telling someone to sign a contract in a Naga system is terrible advice because they like to change the rules on you. Recommending a chili cook-off for a first date is terrible advice, especially if you’re lactose intolerant. This is good advice.” 

Tempest snorted. “It’s no wonder Aunt Nova left you.” 

“You know what, I think I am going to bang your mom. Maybe I’ll give her a child that isn’t such an ass.” 

“I hope you do. Then I’ll have a little brother or sister to do my work for me. Anything else I need to remember?” 

“Yeah. All those rich fuckers on the floor, like Prince Stalwart the orc, or that banker Operatic guy, or Epitome Tagg from the Dream? They all can really die now. It’s gonna be a shitshow. An epic, but-sir-you-haven’t-taken-a-bath shitshow.” 

“You are so disgusting, Uncle Quasar. You still haven’t mentioned that whole thing with the homeless shelter, or that last card, the Eye of the Bedlam Bride. The spider is in him now, isn’t it?”

He shrugged. “The homeless shelter was a non-event. And nobody really knows how that’s going to turn out with the spider in his chest.” 

Tempest twisted a pipe and cursed as the whole unit came out. “Mother horse fucker penis basket,” she exclaimed. 

“Don’t worry, kid. The sink doesn’t even work anyway. It’s more an art piece.”  

She gave him a long, pissed-off look. She reached over and turned off the recorder. “Can I ask you a serious question, Uncle Quasar?” 

He took another drag. “What is it?” 

She let the bonded polymer pipes fall onto the floor. “Are you in danger? For representing him, I mean? Like, real danger?” 

Quasar let out a long stream of smoke. He wanted to lie, but he decided to tell her the truth. The kid deserved it.  

“I think we all are, kiddo. It’s the first time in my life I’m glad we live so far out in the middle of nowhere.”

~~~~~~~~

NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE WHO HAVEN'T READ IT YET