Book 8, chapters 6, 7, and 8 (Patreon)

Chapter 6

<entry book="" boom.="" carl="" from="" of=""></entry>

Bjorn Lag. Crawler #10,754,418.

Race: Human.

Class: Pulp Mage.

Final level: 60.

Carl. You don’t know who I am, but I have been watching your progress this whole time. I am taking a deal on the 10th. I feel guilty about it, about abandoning all of you who have pushed to get here, but I do not feel guilty enough to stay. Milk says I will be going to sleep once I take the deal, and when I wake, it will be the next season.

What will I wake up to? Will I wake up?

I want you to know something. It’s okay if I don’t wake up. Because if I don’t wake, that means something has gone very, very wrong with this show. And that means you have won. We all know this.

But if I do wake, and it’s time for me to go to work, I believe that means you will probably be dead.

And that is okay too, but I know you will have given them everything you have. That you fought, and that you fought for us. I am forever grateful for all you have sacrificed. If you use this spell, focus on the neck if you want to kill them. Pelvis if you want them to suffer.  

Drawing: A picture of an arm in a cast.

Associated Spell: Bone Breaker. Casts at level 12.  

~

“One Fine Pig?” Donut asked, incredulous. “What kind of name is that? Also, we didn’t get to name our own team! The Royal Court is a fine name for our party, but as a racing team...”

“Gah!” I called as the entire truck flashed and teleported about fifty feet past the finish line arch, just as I started to brake. Behind me, Mongo screeched in surprise, and Donut let out a yowl.  

We teleported to what looked like a long, well-lit tunnel, almost like an airplane runway. Ahead, a light appeared, and I recognized it as our garage. I eased harder on the brakes.

I looked over my shoulder, and I could see that the bugbear’s minivan had disappeared, but the trailer and the chains we used to affix their van to the trailer remained. The chains clattered on the ground all around the trailer, making a loud rattle.

I pulled us into the cavernous garage, pulling forward far enough to get the trailer inside.

Entering Your G-G-G-Garage.

Heat two starts in 10 hours and six minutes.

Heat two details are now available in your GPS.

Congratulations on surviving heat one. You may now choose an upgrade for your vehicle. See your mechanic for details.

“Did you hear that?” Donut asked as I put the truck into park. “The AI voice is getting all weird and glitchy.”

“Yeah,” I said. “It was like that a little near the end of the last floor, too.”

We just sat there for a moment. Across the way, Hedy the mechanic started jogging toward us. The garage door squeaked as it closed.

Behind us, Mongo started to growl. He was growling at Hedy who was inspecting the trailer we’d made.

“No, Mongo. She’s a friend.”

The moment Donut said that, Mongo burst out the back of the truck, causing the doors to fly open. He jumped off the trailer and started bouncing all around the small mechanic who’d fallen on her ass at the sight of the dinosaur.

The GPS unit beeped. I looked at the unit, and the female voice spoke.

Limited details on the next race are now available.

Distance: 10 kilometers.

Distance to next rest area or refueling pit stop: This heat does not have any pit stops.

Track: asphalt-paved road. Rolling hills.

There are two paths for this race. You will be assigned one of two paths at random.  

Tasks required to complete: Each path is of equal length. Each path has a gatekeeper monster along that path that must be killed to resume.

Special Rules: Your vehicle may only travel your assigned path, but you will be able to see and interact with and may possibly cross over other paths, including the paths of other heats all together.

Environment: Torrential downpour of rain and giant hail.  

Hazards: Well, we have the hail and the gatekeeper monster, whatever that might be. But I’d suggest that our biggest hazard is the fact that this bucket has to be driven by a fucking cat this time. 

Time Limit: 3 hours.   

“Hey!” Donut cried. “Carl, why is the GPS thing a jerk?” She paused. “But she is right. How the heck am I supposed to drive this thing?”  

I laughed despite myself.  

“We have ten hours to figure it out. It sounds like we can hire drivers, too. So maybe we can get Rosetta or Dong or one of the other strippers to do it. And if not, maybe there’s an upgrade that’ll allow you to drive. Or we can rig something up ourselves.”

I read the rules for heat two again. “The time limit is halved, but the distance is way shorter.” I remembered how easily Donut had taken out the manatee and how easily the other manatees had been taken out by the other drivers. I wondered if that was going to be the case here.

I opened the door and slid out onto the floor of the garage, followed soon by Donut.

Mongo was on his back like a dog, waving his tail back and forth while Hedy scratched him under his wings. I pulled Rend out, and the meatball made a “wow” sound as he looked about the large garage. Mongo jumped to his feet and Rend bounded toward him.

Hedy stood and tapped the trailer. “Helping the other drivers, I see,” she said. “Almost pulled the whole back bumper off.”  She did not sound like she approved.

“If we didn’t, then there would’ve been two teams that didn’t finish,” I said. “I’m trying to avoid that if possible.”  

She made a noncommittal grunt and started to walk in a circle around the van.

“How did she drive? Haven’t had a real chance to inspect her yet.”

“Kinda slow, but faster than I was expecting. We’ll need to remove all the kitchen gear in the back. And for god’s sake, we gotta take that gun off the roof. It blocks my view.”

She nodded. “We gots some guidelines about what we can and can’t change from the original design, but the rules are as clear as a troll’s ballsack. Won’t know ‘till we try it. Basically, at the end of the race the truck gets regenerated back to its form at the beginning of the race, so I think we can do it. Won’t know until we try. First thing’s first, we gotta pick your upgrade.” She produced a tablet device that looked bizarrely incongruous in the hands of a gremlin. “Lots and lots to choose from. Next time make sure you comes in first place so we get better choices.”

“Do you know the rules about crew members and if they can drive or not?” I asked. “Can we get someone else to drive for the next heat? Otherwise, the first thing we pick needs to be something that’ll allow Donut to drive.”

“Aye,” she said. “You can add up to three reserve members each heat, and each one is assigned a role. Driver, engineer, and gunner. More if you get certain upgrades. But they can’t be in your crew two heats in a row. There’s a bar out there in Hungry Eyes where you can hire ‘em. Be careful though. Some of ‘em ain’t too savory of characters, if you know what I mean. I reckon all the best ones already been snatched up since you two took your sweet fine time getting here. And remember, crew is crew. So if they start the race with you, they gotta end the race with you or it don’t count as finishing the race. Not unless they dead. So be careful who you bring with you.”

“What about mercenaries we’ve already hired?”

She nodded. “You can use ‘em. Same rules, though.”

Donut: WE WILL NOT BE BRINGING SAMANTHA WITH US FOR ANY RACE. SHE HAS THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A CORNISH REX. SHE WILL GET US KILLED.

Carl: Yeah, no arguments there. We can’t bring her or any of the sluggalos.  

Hedy continued. “I’d still design a backup driving system for Princess Donut here. Even if you gots a full crew, you’ll always want one of you available to drive in case something happens. Best if it’s something removeable that you bring with you. I’m sure there might be something in the upgrades list, but it’d be a waste if we can jig up something on our own.”

I nodded. I was already thinking of things I could build on the engineering table. Katia could...

I paused, and a wave of sadness washed over me. She’s okay. She’s out of the dungeon. She’s probably more safe than we are. I took a breath. Mordecai for sure could help. I thought of the video game controller he’d made for Ruby the changeling girl with no arms.    

“Okay,” I said. “So what do you recommend?”

She pulled up the tablet and pressed it. A screen popped up. “First three races we got paved roads guaranteed, but after that, we could get anything. Mechanical is always better than biological, and I wasn’t lying about that when you picked me. But the big advantage the beasties got is maneuverability. Every single heat is going to add some obstacle, and by heat 4, your regular tires ain’t gonna be able to handle it. So my recommendation is the first thing we get is an upgrade for mobility. We gots a few choices.”

She clicked her pad, and a list of choices appeared on the screen.

“My goodness,” Donut said, peering at the images. The first showed the truck with spider legs and the caption Retractable Legs. The next had no wheels at all, but the truck hovered right off the ground like something out of Star Wars. That was called Hover Upgrade. A third choice zoomed in on the tires, showing dozens of tiny tendrils sticking out of the rubber. All Terrain Tire Upgrade, including Vertical Climb.  

“And we can only get one of these?” I asked. “What if I build something like this in the engineering table?”

Hedy snorted. “No magic upgrades allowed outside the official upgrades. Good luck building something like that between heats. A driver system for the Princess is one thing, but something like those tires or the hover? Not gonna happen. Unless you’re smarter than you look.”

“What about speed upgrades? Or armor? Are those available?”

“We gots hundreds of upgrades. But these are my recommendations. Spider legs are my best pick, but the others is good, too. Hover don’t do vertical climb, but it makes you almost twice as fast and it comes with an engine upgrade. No more of that ancient gas engine. The other two come with vertical climb, which you might need pretty soon. Spider legs can be turned on only when you need it, and they can climb on walls, but you’ll only use it when you need to go over an obstacle. The legs are fast, but not as fast as the truck under normal conditions, and they’re not made to be turned on the whole time. The tire upgrade is good because it’ll keep you from slipping and sliding and it’ll be always active, but it comes with a 25% reduction in speed. And your tires are at a fixed distance. You get hung up on something, the tires ain’t gonna help. Yeah, they’ll climb a wall, but your truck is shaped like a box. You gotta get the tires to touch the wall in the first place. If we was paying actual money for these upgrades, the hover would be the most expensive by far. But I still think the spider legs is the best.”

“Hmm,” I said, thinking. “Can I look at some of the other choices?”

“Knock yourself batty,” she said, handing the tablet to me. “Remember, if you don’t survive, I don’t survive, so I ain’t gonna steer you wrong. But there are lots of choices. Just don’t pick anything weird without talking to me first, and I’ll tell you why my choice is better.”

I swiped through, looking at the selections. She wasn’t wrong. There had to be over a thousand options. There was a tab for Golden Upgrades which I couldn’t see at all. I knew the first place team, One Fine Pig, had the option to either pick one of those or three regular upgrades. We needed to figure out what all the other teams were.

My eyes focused on some of the weapons we could add. There was a rolling barrel of spikes, like the goblin murder dozer from the very first floor. A flamethrower. An EMP-like pulse that disabled other drivers and mounts. A device that would plant a literal brick wall on the road behind you.  

I felt a chill. We could probably avoid killing other teams if we really worked on it, but keeping them from killing each other? It was going to be impossible. This was going to be worse than the card battles on the 8th floor. We’d weeded out most of the assholes by now, but would that matter? What would happen if we ended up in a race versus Imani and Elle? I didn’t even want to think about it, but we had to prepare ourselves for it. Zhang said Li Na had killed most of the other teams already. Crawler versus crawler races were inevitable.

It was going to get ugly.   

Hedy saw me eyeing the weapons and added, “Don’t pick one of those yet. You’ll need ‘em, but it’ll probably be a few heats before the panic really seeps into their bones. Speaking of, you say you have some mercenaries? Best park some here with me to keep me and your truck safe. Safe room rules apply in Hungry Eyes itself, but not in the garages. Only a matter of time before someone tries to sabotage us or tries to give me a draconian necklace.” She made a slicing motion across her own neck.

I went back and read the full description of the spider legs. It added four panels to each side of the truck that I could deploy

I handed the tablet back to her. “Pick the spider legs, but I want to prioritize armor—specifically armor that will protect us from some of the more popular weapons on here. That and speed. We’ll see about coming in first place if we can.”

The gremlin grinned up at me, revealing a sharp, gap-toothed smile.

“Sexy and smart,” she said. She slapped my butt with the tablet.

I started to say something, but my eyes fixed on a pair of doors on the wall, side by side. One led to our saferoom, and the other led to Hungry Eyes. We needed to explore this town as soon as possible, but we had a lot of things to do at the saferoom, too.

Mordecai: Guys, I just realized something. Put Rend away before you enter the saferoom. Or leave him in your garage.

Carl: Why?

Mordecai: Trust me on this one. I’ll explain when you get inside.

“Rend,” I called. I looked up and realized I didn’t know where he or Mongo had gone. The last I’d seen them, they and were running in circles around Hedy.

It didn’t take long to find them. The truck was shaking back and forth. Mongo’s tail appeared out the back. This was followed by a loud giggling.

“Hey! Get out of there!” I called.

Rend appeared, popping his head out of the back of the truck. I didn’t even know how he fit in there, especially with Mongo. The truck was big, but the kitchen took up a lot of space.

“Stay out of the truck!”

Rend giggled again, and this time several objects fell out of his mouth, clattering on the trailer. From behind, Mongo screeched with joy. The truck shook more as he turned himself around, and his tail pressed against the horn.

“Make way for the bigshot!”

I examined the items that had dropped out of Rend’s mouth. French fries. Frozen French fries. There was a stocked freezer in there somewhere, and they’d found it.

“Carl, your creature is a terrible influence! Mongo, get down this instant!”

Both Mongo and Rend tumbled out of the back of the truck. Mongo had a plastic bag in his mouth. He shook it violently, tossing frozen chicken patties like frisbees across the garage. He dropped the plastic bag and shrieked in outrage.

“Well,” I said to Hedy. “Meet your two bodyguards until we get some others in here.”  

Chapter 7

Entering your saferoom.

Warning. Blood Bar is now in effect. You start with a full bar, but you are now on a timer. You may only spend 10 hours in the saferoom. You may refill the blood bar by killing things.

“Holy shit, Mordecai,” I said upon seeing the creature floating in the middle of the saferoom holding a steaming cup of tea.

“My goodness,” Donut said, looking the grim reaper character up and down. “This is quite unsettling. It’s like what would happen if Orren ever discovered Depeche Mode.”

Mordecai floated about a foot off the ground, and he towered over me. He was a grim reaper-style monster, but with really long arms, reminding me of the clowns from the second floor. He had desiccated, undead-like hands. His dark, canvas-like robes floated lazily in the air. Like Orren, his black hood covered his head, and I couldn’t see anything inside except the occasional hint of a reflection.

I could see now why he’d asked Rend to stay behind. One of Rend’s weaknesses was something called “Reaper Gaze.” I examined him.

Mordecai. Level 50. Moon Reaper.

Manager of Princess Donut.

From a dark, terrifying corner of Sheol, Moon Reapers are one of several different types of janitor mobs that occupy the 15th floor. They sometimes break free and wander other floors, devouring everything in their path and causing absolute chaos wherever they go. While they have a corporeal form, they are basically spirit creatures. Even the princes of hell fear these strange, solitary beings.

Don’t remove their hoods. Don’t provoke them. They are not hostile unless attacked. Their gaze attack can come in many forms. That includes inflicting the dreaded Jaunt sickness, one of the most insidious attacks in Dungeon Crawler World. It is a condition where the inflicted is trapped in time. They have their full faculties, but they perceive each second as if it is the length of 30 years.  

“I’m actually not a Moon Reaper, but a...” Before he finished, he suddenly thrust forward, causing me to jump. His black hood fell back, revealing not a skull, but an enormous eyeball where his head should be. A flaming eyeball. His cup of tea fell to the floor and shattered.

“Death awaits you at every turn,” Mordecai croaked with a deep, heavy voice filled with grit, different than the already scary voice he was just using. “The shadows reach even now for a porous soul such as yours. It is unquenchable, this thirst. You are reached for by both sides. Who will entwine you? The tree or the abyss?”

“What the shit?” I asked as Donut yowled and jumped to my shoulder.

He turned to Donut, raising a skeletal hand. I took a step back, but my back hit the door. “And you. The edges are more clear, yet still uncertain. A sacrifice might save you, in the end. It might, if you accept it. It will be the darkest decision ever made. How many lives? How many souls? The veil is made of gossamer, and when it is done, their gaze, their rage will be eternal. You should remember that, Oakfell Champion of Nekhebit.”

“I’m sorry, but I really need to wee right now, and I would much rather do it in the powder room than upon Carl’s shoulder, so can you please go back to normal?”

Mordecai coughed. He floated back. “Oh damn, did I drop my tea again? I hate this form. Sorry about that.” He quickly pulled his hood up, but there were still a few flames on the eyeball head, and the hood itself caught on fire. He reached up and casually patted the fire on his own head out.

“Uh, Mordecai,” I said. “What the hell was that?”

Mordecai fuzzed and reappeared. He flashed and became the Canadian version of himself from the previous floor, just for a second. He appeared like that as he floated a good two feet off the floor, and he let out a yelp. He glitched again on the way down, and when he hit the floor, he turned into a scraggly black and white cat, which caused Donut to hiss. He hissed back at her, but his mouth opened huge, and then he flipped to an otter shape, then a massive slug, before he jolted back to the reaper shape. He fuzzed for a second but settled on the reaper.

“Goddamn this form. It’s not natural. It’s an impossible combo, and that’s why it’s glitching.”

The cleaner bot was already at work, quietly cleaning up the tea. The room stank like smoke.

From around the corner, I saw Splash Zone and Rosetta standing there, peeking out of the training room, watching. Samantha was there, too, on the ground with Bigs right next to her. I knew Tipid was in the training room, too, but he was probably asleep. Mordecai said he spent most of his time curled on the floor, sleeping.

“Mordecai, darling,” Donut said. “Are you aware of what just happened?”

“Aw, shit. Did I do it again?” He looked over his shoulder at the others hiding around the corner.

I grunted. “We lost you for a second. You were spouting some Nostradamus bullshit. It was like the same sort of creepy shit Robot Donut would say.”

“Oh, damn,” he said. “I’m sorry about that. That’s something Moon Reapers do. It’ll only happen once for each of you.” He paused. “It doesn’t make sense. I’m not really a Moon Reaper. I’m a shadow mimic. Mimics only take on the shape of the creature. Changelings can get some of the powers, though. That’s why it’s glitching, I think.”

“A shadow mimic?” I asked. “What the hell is that? How is that different than a regular mimic?”

“There are three basic types of shapeshifters in the dungeon. Changelings, Doppelgangers, and Mimics. Most other shapeshifters are variations of one of those three. Shadow Mimics are generally pretty evil, highly intelligent mimics that can copy the shape of anything nearby. The thing is, shadow mimics and changelings are mortal enemies. It makes changelings violently ill just to touch one, while shadow mimics think changelings are delicious.”

“Uh,” Donut said, looking about. “So there’s one of those flaming eyeball things nearby?”   

“They’ll be here somewhere on the floor,” he said. “So be careful with Rend. This was the first form it took, so it’ll try to stick to this one. I think.”

Donut let out a harrumph. “Well as long as you’re done being weird and you don’t go back to a tuxedo cat, then I suppose it’s okay. I can see you as an American shorthair, yes. But certainly not with tuxedo coloring. You don’t have the audacity to try to pull that off.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Mordecai said.

Rosetta hesitantly approached. She was giving Mordecai a wary glance. Samantha had retreated back into the training room.

“We should probably keep you sequestered from the others for this floor,” Rosetta said to Mordecai. She looked at me. “It seems he does that ‘glitching’ each time a different race gets near him for the first time. When Bigs wandered in, I was afraid we’d lost him totally.”

“He told me I was going to drown in fire,” Bigs the sluggalette said, slithering into the room. She swung her head hatchet around a few times. “If this mothafacko wasn’t on the don’t chop list, he’d be getting the kneecap treatment. And I didn’t hear what he said to Samantha, but he made her cry.”

“Listen,” Mordecai said. “Nobody give too much stock to anything I might spout. There’s no such thing as predicting the future here. It’s always vague bullshit that can be twisted to fit whatever happens. If someone could accurately predict things like that, it would, well it would change everything. This stuff is designed to be scary, not true.”

Bigs grunted. “You told Splash Zone he was gonna die screaming while his family watched.”

“Yeah, man,” Splash Zone called from the door to the training room. “You really freaked me out.”

“Again,” Mordecai said. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

I was about to ask more, but we were interrupted. Donut let out an excited gasp but then hissed. I turned to see her atop the mailbox in the corner of the room with the little door open. A spellbook had crawled out on its own, trailing slime. It rushed across the room like an escaped rat. It scurried into the kitchen and started banging against the cabinets.

“Look, look, another hat! And there’s a hat for Mongo. And one for Rend, too!”

“Somebody catch that book!” Mordecai shouted. “They can break if they injure themselves too much!”

The cleaner bot let out an angry shrill and rushed to the kitchen. It swooped down, picked up the book, brought it to me, and dropped it in my arms. I grasped it as it continued to struggle.

“Gah,” I said as it started spew slime down the front of my shirt.  

“What is it? What is it?” Donut demanded, hopping over to me.

The book wriggled, and it was covered in little legs. It was oozing a clear liquid all over my arms.

“What the hell,” I said, holding it out. I examined it. “It’s a spellbook called Oozy Form.”

“Uzi form?” Donut asked, brightening. “Like Uzi Jesus? I get a gun!” She gasped. “Can I combine it with my Prehistoric Form spell? I could be like a sabertooth tiger with a mounted gun!”  

“Not Uzi,” I said. “Oozy. With an O. Like slimy. You can turn into a slime.” The spellbook spooged more slime onto me. It made a little groan.

Donut scoffed. “Well that’s quite disappointing. Why would I ever want that?”

“It’s a great spell,” Mordecai said. “It’s a special edition, so it’ll train faster, too. You can do all sorts of things with it. You can slip between cracks. Turn into a puddle on the floor. It’s great as a defensive and camouflage spell. But it’s kinda like phase, too. Just make sure you’re someplace safe when it runs out. At level 15, you can stay in the form indefinitely, but before then, be careful.”

“That is absolutely disgusting, and I am never going to do that,” Donut said.

I put the wriggling book on the kitchen counter. It shook, trying to crawl away. It continued to spew thick, clear liquid all over the counter. Mordecai swooped in with a vial and took some.

“This is a good one,” I said, holding the book down. “You don’t have to use it a lot, but it’ll be good for an emergency. Read it before you give the cleaner bot a heart attack.”

The cleaner bot gave a shrill beep.

Donut jumped to the table and gave the ooze a suspicious sniff. “My Smoke Form spell that comes with my Assassin of Sekhmet class this floor is better. It’s a phase-style spell. Why don’t you take the Oozy spell?”

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” Mordecai said. “Carl, your Gloom Wraith Phase is an attack and forces you in a direction, so it’s not useful as a travel spell. If you take this, both you and Donut can equally slip through and around obstacles much more easily.”

“Really?” I asked. “Wait, what else do you have that’s new, Donut?”

“Oh, it’s just fantastic. I got all sorts of goodies. In addition to all those weird create tree and summon vermin spells I got from that Oak fell thing, the assassin class also comes with that Smoke Form spell, Death Ray, and I got my first aura! It’s called Healer’s Grasp, and if you’re near me, you get healed! I don’t know why an assassin might need to heal people, but that’s what I got. I’m like a mini Imani! I also have something called Prehistoric Form. And don’t forget I also have two Celestial boxes to open, and that’s before I look at some of my new achievements, so I must insist we get this moving.”  

Mordecai pushed the cleaner bot aside as he pulled a second vial out and gathered more of the ooze from the book. “Be very careful with Death Ray as it’s very dangerous. If it so much as grazes Carl or Mongo, you could kill them outright. It comes out wide. Your Prehistoric Form is only level 5, so it’ll only last a minute. Be careful with that one, too. Does it say in the description what you’ll turn into?”

“No. It says it reveals itself the first time I cast it! Will I turn into a sabertooth tiger or something? That’d be amazing as long as I turn back afterward!”

“You might want to test it out so you know,” Mordecai said. “But not in here. And make sure nobody is around. It’s not a berserking form, so you should have your full faculties, though you won’t be able to use your inventory or cast other spells when you’ve changed form. But others might freak out and think you’re a mob. It could be anything.”

“A sabertooth tiger would be so tight,” Bigs said from the floor. “I get dibs on riding you into battle.”

“You most certainly will not be riding me!”  

The book I had pressed against the table made a strange, squealing noise and more goo squirted out. The cleaning bot continued to complain.  

“Sorry,” I said. I grasped the book in both hands, and I applied it, learning Oozy Form. “Okay, okay. That’s done.” I looked at the cleaner bot. “Sorry, buddy. Also, when we get a chance, I have a girlfriend for you in my inventory. I think we might give her to the guildhall main room or another saferoom though.” I had stolen a similar cleaner bot from Architect Houston’s castle on the previous floor. But Mordecai had warned that he wanted to look at it first, so we’d deal with that when we had more time.

The cleaner bot gave an intrigued beep.


Chapter 8


I turned to Donut. “What accessories did you get?”

She did a little, excited hop. “Look at this!”

Her tiara disappeared, and an Egyptian-style, beaded headdress appeared atop her head. It was something one would see on Cleopatra. Red, yellow, and orange beads cascaded down either side of her face. The colors matched her fur.  

“Isn’t it just divine? I’ll drain it of its magic for my tiara of course, but it’s just beautiful as is. It calls it a veil even though it doesn’t cover my face.” She pulled out a little mirror and started shaking her head back and forth. The beads clacked as she moved. “Just exquisite.”  

Enchanted hat item. The Assassin’s Veil.

This is a unique item.

Warning: This item may only be worn by a female.

Warning: This item may only be worn by a feline-class species.

Worn by those in the court of the goddess Sekhmet, this beaded headdress warns off strangers who might think to do harm to the bearer.

Wearing this item imbues the following benefits.

Plus 10% to dexterity.

The Precognition Benefit. Warns wearer if someone nearby is preparing an offensive or binding spell or readying a skill.

Warning: Enemies of Sekhmet will be automatically hostile to you if you wear this in their presence.

“It’s a great item,” Mordecai said. “But if you transfer that over to your tiara, those conditions will also transfer over. The female and cat thing aren’t an issue, but the enemy of Sekhmet might be a problem because the goddess Sekhmet is most definitely going to be under Odette’s thumb by now which means all of Odette’s enemies will be hostile toward you. And knowing Odette, that’s going to mean pretty much everybody. Let me do some research first before you drain it.”

“What were the other hats?” I asked. “The ones for Mongo and Rend? Can we drain those, too?”

“We will not be stealing Mongo’s new hat’s powers,” Donut said.

“We can’t anyway,” Mordecai said. “Both are labeled as pet accessories.”

Two more items appeared on the table. One was a fabric hat with shiny blue and gold stripes on it. It had two wide bands on either side that were designed to hang down, almost like large, floppy ears. It was the same sort of hat a pharaoh would wear, though it looked more like something from a cheap costume shop than the real deal. I knew it was something called a nemes. That was clearly meant for Mongo. The other was more a headband than a hat. It was just a red piece of fabric, Rambo style. But when you looked more closely, the rich, red fabric was covered with an intricate pattern that I couldn’t quite make out. I examined the items. They both did almost the same thing with a few differences.

Enchanted hat. The Nemes of Pestilence.

This item may only be equipped by a pet.

This item may only be equipped if a member in this pet’s party has the class Assassin of Sekhmet.

It’s not racist if it’s being worn by a hamster.

Equipping this item to an eligible pet will imbue the following properties:

Eternal Protector of Rage. Pet will become temporarily invulnerable and will gain 2X strength if it is within three meters of the Assassin of Sekhmet and the assassin’s health is below 10%. Invulnerability will last 60 seconds and can only trigger once per day.

Bringer of Death. Bites from this pet have a 75% chance to inflict the Cruel Sepsis debuff.

The thing would look absolutely ridiculous on Mongo’s head, but that Eternal Protector benefit was worth it. I examined the second item that we would give to Rend.

Enchanted headband. The Wrap of Sekhmet’s Compassion.

This item may only be equipped by a pet.

This item may only be equipped if a member in this pet’s party has the class Assassin of Sekhmet.

Eternal Protector of Health. Pet will become temporarily invulnerable and will gain the Heal Party Member skill if it is within three meters of the Assassin of Sekhmet and the assassin’s health is below 10%. Invulnerability will last 60 seconds and can only trigger once per day.

Bringer of Resurrection. Fatal bites from this pet have a 75% chance to cast a level-10 Raise Bootlicker on the corpse.

“Holy hell,” I said. “These are fantastic.”

“How come I didn’t get no hat?” Bigs asked.

“You’re not a pet,” I said. “You’re technically a mercenary.”

“Actually,” Mordecai said. “I suspect if we make it to the 11th floor, Donut’s Former Child Actor class might come with mercenary accessories, too.”

“I’m still not clear how Donut can have multiple classes,” Rosetta said. “Tipid was just asking about this.”

“It’s god shit,” Bigs said.

Mordecai made a grunt, which sounded more like a growl.

“She’s not wrong. Both the Champion of Nekhebit and the OakFell class are tied to gods. I don’t really understand it all myself. Mistress Tiatha was saying the multi-class system used to be a thing in the Land War seasons.”

“It’s scary stuff,” Splash Zone added. He rubbed his stomach and then gave me a pointed look. I sighed. The otter stripper had finally entered the room and gotten himself up on the counter. He wanted a bowl of chowder. Ever since my food boxes started going wonky, I started giving a bowl to him every day. I moved to the lunch box and typed in a cheeseburger. It beeped. I opened the door, and a steaming bowl of soup filled with a crumbled-up breakfast sausage sandwich sat there, only now it appeared burned to a crisp.

“What the hell,” I muttered. “It’s getting worse.” I still needed to eat from the boxes at least once a day to get the buffs, but this was getting ridiculous. All of my food boxes were now infected and broken.

“I’ll still eat it,” Splash Zone said.

Donut wasn’t paying attention to any of this. She was going through her achievements. She kept grunting with annoyance. She’d already read the achievements that had come with her War Crime spell, which resulted in two Celestial boxes. Apparently one was a Celestial Slap-Chop Box and the other was a Celestial Godslayer box. She also had a separate Lorena Bobbitt box, but that was just a legendary.

“Most of my achievements were quite rude,” she said. “I received several achievements for leveling up, including one for getting to 100, but it said my accomplishment was reward enough! I have 40 boxes, but almost all are just bronze adventurer boxes. I did get one more legendary box, though, for winning Faction Wars. That achievement was rude, too. It’s called a Default Winner box.”

“Open them now, and then I’ll do mine,” I said. “We’ll hit the showers, hit the beds, reset our buffs, feed the shrine, and then we’ll get back out there. I need to work out how we’re going to deal with engineering you a driving system, but we also need to conserve our blood bar time. I might drag the engineering table into the garage once we’re sure we can keep the garage secure. Imani and Elle are already out there in the town, and they’re saying it’s a bit wild out there. There are supposedly saferoom rules on the town, but there’s some weirdness with all that I guess. We need to figure it all out.”

I was putting off opening my own boxes and achievements. I didn’t know if I’d get a celestial or not, but I did know that fan box was waiting for me, and I knew part of what was in it already.

Donut already had her boxes running. It was a line of them, reaching all the way to the back of the room. She was absolutely quivering with excitement. She still had the Mongo hat thing out and on the table, and I knew she just wanted to get back out into the garage to put it on him. But she gasped again at the sight of the four boxes at the end of her line.

The Default Winner box took on the shape of the funnel of Larracos, spinning. The legendary Bobbitt box came in the form of a giant, 7-11 hotdog bag for some reason. The Slap-Chop Box was a quivering, golden blanket that sparkled as it fluttered through the room like a magic carpet. The final one, the celestial Godslayer box was just a cloud of black smoke.

“Did you see what Justice did,” Rosetta asked me as Donut worked through her boxes.

“I did, but I don’t understand what he really did. I don’t understand what happened afterward.”

“Nobody knows, I don’t think,” Rosetta said. “This floor it might not matter so much, but maybe.” She lowered her head for a moment. “It’s a shame. Justice and Tipid were such good friends, but Tipid doesn’t even remember him now. Maybe it’s for the better.”

“It’s weird,” I whispered. Across the way, Donut grunted as she received a pile of Heal Pet scrolls. She already had that spell at level 15. “It feels odd, like the AI is trying really hard to pretend it’s just a normal level. But there’s something in the air, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It feels wrong.”

She nodded. “I feel it, too.” She turned to Mordecai. “Why didn’t Donut get a laurel leaf?” Rosetta asked. I knew a laurel leaf was the game’s version of a player killer skull, but for killing a god.  

“Prepotente didn’t get one, either, when he killed that turkey god,” Mordecai said. “I’m assuming it’s because both were Nothing gods. It’s good she didn’t get one. It marks her for death by all gods except the enemies of the dead one. The only true deity to die so far this season was Ysalte at the end of the eighth floor, and she was killed by that crawler who’d been turned to a card.”

“His name was Paz,” I said. “He killed the god using Katia’s bolt of Ophiotaurus.”

“Did you get that from her?” Mordecai asked. “I know she didn’t get a chance to empty her inventory.”  

“Donut has it,” I said. “You’re right, though. She didn’t get to drop all her equipment, but we got most of the important things.”

“Yeah, that reminds me,” Mordecai said. “The guild hall is filled with donated gear. There’s some good stuff in there. Mistress Tiatha is cataloging all of it right now. We can start selling a lot of it off, or farming it if it’s small enough for Donut to eat.”     

“It’s not just for us. We should dole it out based on need,” I said. “We also need to catalog all the spells in the book of Voodoo, and Donut and I both have individual ones, too, that we need to catalog. The spells in there are useless if I can’t get to them quickly.”  

Donut continued to go through her boxes one by one. She appeared to mostly be receiving piles of crappy clothes and different types of healing scrolls. But then she started receiving something new. A green scroll that clanked heavily to the table, as if it was made of metal.  

“Emergency Gremlin,” she asked, scoffing after the new scroll appeared. The next several boxes contained only that, and suddenly she had like 20 of them. “Why do I need so many emergency gremlins?”

“It’s a summoning scroll, like with Bautista’s toys,” Mordecai said. “They can fix your vehicle if it breaks down mid-race. With your brain trust skill, they’ll either be smarter or you might get two instead of one.”    

Donut hissed again as more of the scrolls appeared. “There’s only seven more races. If we need 100 gremlins, then we probably have bigger problems.”

Finally, we got to the good stuff.

Her Default Victory box contained a spellbook that quickly disappeared. This one was the normal kind.

I wasn’t quite sure what the exact achievement was for the Lorena Bobbitt box, but it clearly involved something with Meatus. Though she got a separate box one for killing him as well. The 7-11 wrapper dripped imaginary blood as the magical bag peeled back to reveal a quiver with handful of glittering crossbow bolts   

“They’re so sparkly!” Donut said.  

There were about ten of them. I snatched one up before they disappeared.

The celestial Slap Chop box started dancing around the room as I examined the bolt.

Enchanted crossbow bolt. The Danforth.

This bolt does no physical damage. However, anyone hit with it will be anchored in place for (two minutes X your crossbow skill level). More specifically, the area of their body that is hit with the bolt will be anchored in place. If they happen to be moving at the time, the physics involved might get a little ... messy.

“Hell yeah,” I said. “Donut, what’s your crossbow skill?”

“Carl, you’re ruining it! We talk about the gear after the boxes open!”

The yellow blanket thing formed into an origami swan and then opened, revealing a plain, silver crupper similar in appearance to the one she was already wearing, though this was made of fine chainmail as opposed to larger scales.

“Holy fucking shit,” Mordecai exclaimed before it disappeared.

“What was it?” I asked. The last Celestial box already started to form.

“I didn’t see the abilities yet, but it’s a matching item to her champion cloak. It’s called the Crupper of the Benevolent Champion.”   

“I’m assuming that’s a good thing.”

“Very good,” Mordecai said.

“Stop talking!” Donut called as the last item approached. This was the smoky god slayer box.

The smoke billowed, suddenly filling the whole room. Then it formed into the shape of Meatus the god just as a smoky paw slammed down upon it. The smoke turned red before dissipating.

“Oh gods,” Rosetta muttered. “I can still taste it.”

The spell didn’t leave anything behind. There was no physical reward.

“Carl,” Donut said, staring down at her forward right paw. Her voice was filled with fear. This was the same paw she’d used for the War Crime spell. “Something’s happening.” Her paw started to glow.

“It’s okay,” Mordecai said, leaning forward. Wisps of smoke occasionally rose from his hood. “It’ll be okay, little one. I know what this is. It might hurt for a second, but it’ll be a good thing.”

“Ow, ow,” she said. “It hurts.”

She stretched her paw out, and she flexed so her claws appeared.

The kitchen table ripped in half.

~

Thanks all for your support! Didn't quite get to Carl's stuff, but it's mostly written. It's a delicate balance getting this right. And Mordecai, too, this book. If you've been reading Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret, you'll know more about Shadow Mimics. 

This and the next two chapters have been...a process. These loot chapters are getting more and more complicated each book. 

I'm going to be adding a book of boom chapter or two to the sections before this section. When I do, I may give them their own post.

~
END SPOILERS

Thanks to all of you in NYC who came out the other night to the Strand Event! Next event is Las Vegas!