Book 8, Chapter 15 (Patreon)

Hey folks. Thanks to everyone who came out to see me this past weekend at SDCC. Next up is WorldCon in Seattle where I'll have a packed schedule. Stay tuned for details with a trio of events surrounding the release of This Inevitable Ruin hardcover, namely in Seattle, Los Angeles, and Tucson. And of course we have DragonCon, NYCC, and DragonSteel coming up as well.

Chapter 15

Entering the Lollipop.

Saferoom rules apply to this establishment.

A singer howling an off-key rendition of some 80’s song I barely recognized assaulted our ears as we entered the small but crowded bar. I turned my attention to see an odd, short creature with a flat head standing on a stage singing her heart out as cheap lights flickered on and off all around her.

The creature was a monster type I’d seen a few times on the recap episodes. A kappa. It was somewhere between a naiad and a goblin wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume. Kappas had turtle shells and water-filled bowls for heads. If too much of the water spilled from their head bowls, they were immobilized. I remembered Elle once telling the story of how she’d killed several by freezing the water in their heads.   

I examined the singer, who bounced enthusiastically on stage while she sang. She didn’t seem too concerned about spilling. When she turned her head to the side, I saw why. It appeared she had some sort of Saran wrap with rubber bands covering on her head, keeping the water in place.  

Dekoki. Kappa. Level 84 Seductress.

One of four from team Yokai.

Two other creatures crowded the stage, dancing and shouting encouragement to the singer. One was clearly a ghost with long, white robes and the other was a red, ogre-like beast. It was odd seeing such monstrous mobs acting so normal. After a moment, I realized there was a third creature dancing with them. It appeared to be a sapient paper lantern, just floating there and bouncing through the air, spinning in circles, laughing with the ghost while the kappa sang.

Donut bopped on my shoulder to the music. Jurgen, who’d somewhat recovered from his vomit spree, stood next to us looking ill. And next to him, Prepotente started moving his arms back and forth like he was cross-country skiing. I realized he was attempting to dance.  

“Where do you think we sign up?” Donut asked as we stepped deeper into the bar.

“I don’t think we’ll have time for singing today,” I said.

“Carl, we always have time for singing.”

“There,” Jurgen said, pointing. I followed his finger, and I saw Imani’s wings in the very back. We started pushing our way through the crowd. I tried to draw a privacy bubble over my head, but it didn’t work.   

I caught sight of a few other crawlers at various tables, all raising their hands in greeting as we passed. Most of the crowd were NPCs, and all were racers. The bartenders and the DJ running the karaoke booth were both gremlins.  

“That was ‘Tell it to My Heart,’ by Taylor Dayne,” a surprisingly deep gremlin voice said as the song ended. “Thank you, Dekoki. I’m looking for the Minister of Blood-Letting. You’re up next, singing ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World.’”

A skeleton wearing a pope-like outfit took the stage. The guy was wearing a necklace that appeared to be made of live bats. His name literally was “the Minister of Blood-Letting.” He was a level 98 Dark Ghoul Papist. His team was called the Bleak Congregation.

“Hi Imani! Hi Elle! Hi Louis! Hi Britney! Hi Florin! Hi Bautista! Hi Chris! Hi guys I don’t know!” Donut shouted as we sat at the crowded table. All around me, people smiled big and patted me on the shoulder, shouting congratulations for the end of Faction Wars.     

Elle snapped a finger, and a cool breeze filled the bar. The music suddenly cut off, and it was as if we’d just activated a privacy bubble. It was a spell called Cone of Silence. She could cast it in here because it wasn’t an offensive spell, but I would never have thought to use it for this application. A spinning, translucent tornado surrounded us. I knew from experience the tornado was only an illusion, and it didn’t feel like anything.

“Oh poo,” Donut said, looking forlornly at the stage as the tornado formed. “I kinda like that song.” We could still hear it, but it was now barely a whisper. “He’s a much better singer than the last lady with the cereal bowl head. My goodness, he is very scary, though. That whole satanic look is quite disturbing.”

Elle grunted. “Yeah, that creep and his team are in our heat. The creepy doesn’t quite hit the same when you see their vehicle.”

“What is it?” I asked, looking over my shoulder. The yokai team still danced around the stage, but they were now joined by more of the dark ghouls, all in weird pope hats.

Imani laughed. She had a beer bottle in her hand, and I tried to remember if I’d ever seen her drink. She actually had a few drinks there, and she slid a beer over toward me. She also pushed a bowl toward Donut. It was just a regular Shirley Temple with extra cherries in a bowl. “They have that giant hotdog truck. The Wienermobile or whatever it’s called.”

Donut made a derisive snort. “Hardly dignified, but it’s not much better than our food truck. What did you guys get?”   

Elle took a long drink of whatever she had and slammed the glass to the table. “Imani and I have some godawful military vehicle that handles like a three-legged pig walking backwards through a snowstorm.”

“You have a Mowag Piranha V,” Florin said. “One of the finest military troop carriers in the world. Amphibious already. It is big, but you guys got lucky. Lucia and I have a goddamned tuk-tuk.”

“What the goodness is a tuk-tuk?” Donut asked. “That sounds like a monster from one of Carl’s nerd movies.”

“A tuk-tuk is also known as an auto rickshaw,” Prepotente said absently. He’d picked up a paper menu from a table and was reading it carefully. “They originated in Japan. The Mazda-Go was released in 1931. Before the collapse, it was one of the most widely used taxis in the world, especially in Asia. They are quite small and unarmored, and it’s an unfortunate choice for a vehicle. You two are in serious danger. I do hate it when they don’t list the soda choices on the menu. Where is our waiter?”

“How in god’s name do you know all that?” Elle asked Prepotente.   

“Waiter!” Prepotente shouted at the gremlin behind the bar, who didn’t hear him through the spell. Prepotente made an exasperated snort, stood, and stalked over there, ignoring Elle. He pushed right through the tornado edge of the silence spell.

“Shit, really?” I asked Florin, alarmed. Our food truck was bad, but it could’ve been much worse. A damned scooter was horrible luck.  

Florin nodded. “Lucky we came in first place. Got a golden upgrade, but we decided to go with three regular upgrades instead. We have a tech shield, all-terrain and vertical climb tires, and a GPS upgrade. Hopefully we can win the next heat, too, and we can get some weapons for the thing.”

“How is Lucia?” Jurgen asked, leaning in. “And where is she now? How’s she acting? Did she say why she didn’t take a deal?”

Jurgen had a pregnant wife named Heidi who wasn’t really in the dungeon with us, even though he pretended like she was. She was up there somewhere in the kinder facility on the surface along with Katia and presumably the 120,000 children that were stuck in Lucia’s head. Jurgen was a great fighter and had been more than competent as a general, but getting separated from his wife had obviously knocked his mental health askew.

Lucia had promised to take a deal. Clearly that didn’t happen.  

Florin sighed. “She’s at the garage. Honestly, I’m a bit worried. Now that the dogs are gone, she’s been flipping personalities a lot, and you never know what you’re going to get. About 70% of the time she’s her usual, charming self and is ready to skewer me. But the rest of the time it’s a random kid. I couldn’t get the story out of her why she didn’t take a deal. It’s her turn to drive next heat, but I hired a mercenary just in case. It’s about to get tricky, I think.”

“You gotta try to come in first for every race,” Jurgen said. He was suddenly dead serious with an intensity I’d never seen. “I think we might be able to take deals at the end of the floor. Keep working on her. But if it comes to crawler versus crawler, you let me know, and I will make certain the other team knows what they’re up against, and they know what has to happen. I’ll make them understand.”

Florin met the large barbarian’s eyes, and after a moment, he nodded.  

“Do you think they’ll offer deals before the last heat?” Louis asked, speaking for the first time. He sprayed water from his new gills when he talked, and Bautista, sitting next to him, was absolutely soaked.

“Shit, sorry, man,” Louis said, putting a hand against his neck.

Bautista had his head down in a drink, and he barely reacted.

“I hope they do,” I said. “But I wouldn’t want to count on it.”

Traditionally, the outreach guilds were only open at the very beginning and end of every floor. I didn’t know how that would work with this floor in particular, especially since the last race would be just two teams. There was likely some cruel trick mixed in there. I did know that the deals offered at the end of the 10th were oftentimes worse than the ones at the beginning of the floor, especially if your chances of survival were hopeless.

“Can I come out from underneath the table now?” a new voice asked. “I want to meet Carl and Princess Donut.” It was the familiar, breathy voice of a soother alien.  

Donut hissed, and jumped about three feet in the air.

“What does out of sight, out of mind mean, Linus?” Elle snapped. “Stay down there and keep your trap shut!”

“Yes ma’am,” the soother said.

“Uh,” I said, peering under the table. “Who the hell is that?”  

“Don’t mind him,” Elle said.  

Sitting on the concrete floor of the bar, wrapped around the base of the table, was a tall, long-limbed soother alien. He held onto the pole like he was holding on for dear life. He wasn’t on my minimap, and he had a notification over his head that said Linus. Tourist. I couldn’t examine him further. I’d been hitting him with my foot, but I’d thought they were Louis’s legs. I pushed slightly, and I could tell his form wasn’t fully there, like with the adjutants on the previous floor.

My eyes first caught the t-shirt, which was a nude image of Elle with the words “Stay Frosty, Boys” across the top in Syndicate standard. The second thing I noticed was the fanny pack. The third was the massive, poorly drawn tattoo of Elle’s face on his skinny arm.

“Hi Elle’s fan,” Donut said after she recovered. She’d moved to the floor. “Why are you under the table?”

“Because that’s where little perverts sit when they ask stupid questions,” Elle said. She didn’t elaborate further.

“Hi Donut,” Linus the soother said, waving shyly.

“Why is he here?” I asked.

Elle sighed. “Because originally there were supposed to be 500 tourists on this floor, and after each heat, one lucky tourist would win ‘extra access’ with their preferred racer each day. And since E.T. here was the only moron to show up, guess who wins by default?”

“Elle is my favorite,” Linus said.

“Yes, we can see that,” Donut said, sniffing at him suspiciously. “Well, it’s nice to meet you. Is that shirt authorized fan merchandise?”

“Oh, yes,” Linus said, his voice a whisper. “I run the center system chapter of Elle’s Snow Cones, which has the contract for her fan merch. Now, you better stop talking to me, or I’ll get in trouble again.”

“Uh, okay,” Donut said, jumping back to the table.

Elle sniffed. “Just ignore him. I’m hoping he’ll just go away if we don’t pay attention.”  

“I’m pretty sure he likes you treating him like that,” Imani said.  

“Well, I can’t do to him what I really want to do,” Elle said, “And he keeps getting censored if we ask him anything of substance, so this is the best I can come up with.”

“What about Zhang?” I asked, changing the subject, trying to ignore the alien under the table. “He’s not here?”

“No,” Imani said. “He says Li Na isn’t really talking to him. She killed almost all of the other teams in their heat. I guess we’ll see next race if Prepotente’s theory about having to race other crawlers is correct.”

“What is their car?” Donut asked.

“Not a car,” Imani replied. “They went biological. He says it’s an octopus-like creature.”

“An octopus?” Donut asked as she chewed on a cherry, crinkling her face. “That sounds absolutely revolting.”

“What about you guys?” I asked Chris, who sat stoically next to Imani. A pair of crawlers I didn’t know sat to his left. “What is your vehicle?”

“A semitruck with a trailer filled with flat-pack furniture,” Chris said. “It’s big but slow.”

Imani grinned up at him and bumped him with her shoulder. Her skin sizzled a little when she touched him, but she didn’t seem to notice or care. “Kinda like you.”

Chris’ rock face crinkled into something resembling a smile as he looked down at her.

Donut: DID IMANI JUST NEG CHRIS?  

Carl: I don’t know what that means, but she’s just teasing him.

Donut: OMG IMANI IS IN LOVE WITH CHRIS!

Carl: Don’t you dare say anything.

I turned back to Louis. Bautista and Britney sat next to him. He still had his hand on the side of his neck. Both Britney and Bautista had their heads down, looking into their drinks. I remembered what that goddess had told me, that Britney was possessed. It turned out the goddess had known about my wife before anyone else. Quasar had known something, too. He’d tried to bring it up at the end of our meeting, but he’d gotten some sort of notification and wasn’t allowed to continue. But he’d been talking about Britney, which meant my initial hunch was likely correct. It had something to do with the dead goddess, Ysalte. The Vinegar Bitch, and her pickaxe. But what, exactly, was happening? Juice Box had touched her and hadn’t noticed anything. She wasn’t really acting different. Elle wanted to just ask her, but I was afraid if there was something going on, the entity hiding within her might react.

It was just another of a thousand things we had to worry about.

“What did you guys get?” I asked Louis.

“Uhh,” Louis said. “It’s a truck. An SUV. An older Tahoe.”   

“That’s not so bad,” I said.  

Britney grunted.

“It’s a little tricked out,” Louis added. “It’s a neon-covered lowrider. There’s like two inches clearance from the bottom to the ground. Our gremlin is trying to raise it now. We kept bottoming out when we hit any sort of bump. He says that it’ll get put back every time, so next upgrade we get we’ll pick something that fixes it.” He sprayed water. “It does have a great sound system, though,” he added.

I laughed, imagining Louis, Britney, and Bautista in such a thing. “You didn’t fix it for your first upgrade?”

“No,” Britney said, her voice flat.

“We came in second-to-last place,” Louis said. “Britney got a little mad at me, kept saying I was driving like an American. There’s this hydraulic system, but I didn’t know how it worked, and I didn’t have time to figure it out. All our opponents have these super fast cars and animals, and we were late coming out of the gate. We would’ve lost if the spider guys hadn’t gotten eaten.”

“Oh wow,” I said. The thought of losing all three of them at once was unbearable. A terrible dread was starting to seep in around the edges. Everyone here was acting happy, but this particular floor had an insidious ruleset. It would be really easy to lose groups of friends at a snap of a finger.

“What did you get when the audience voted?” I asked.  

“Wheel spinners,” Louis said. “They light up the road.”

“Shit,” I said.

“Yeah,” Britney agreed. The scar on her face flashed with the light from the bar.

Prepotente returned with a glass of something fizzy and a well-worn, stapled-together book of laminated pages. “Look, Donut. I found the karaoke list! I signed up to sing ‘Tarzan Boy’ by Baltimora!”

“Yay!” she said. On stage, the ghoul guy was gone and replaced with a Bactrian camel. I was pretty sure it was the same camel who’d pushed me out of the way from the portal earlier. I could barely hear him and couldn’t tell what he was singing, but I could tell he was super flat.

“Hey!” Donut said a minute later. “These are all old people songs!”

“Yes, I believe the song choices are all from the 1980’s,” Prepotente said. His tongue flicked out and tried his soda. He shuddered. “Delicious. It’s so much better when it’s from a tap.”

“You should sing something from Creedence Clearwater Revival. It’s Elle’s late husband’s favorite band,” Linus called from under the table. “She had several of their albums in her room at Meadow Lark.”   

“Shut the hell up,” Elle said, sounding genuinely angry for the first time.

“That’s the wrong decade anyway,” Louis added. “You should do a Misfits song. Or something by Iron Maiden.”   

“Guys, listen,” I said, leaning in. “We need to talk strategy. We need to figure out a gameplan.”

“Listen, Carl,” Elle said, still composing herself. “There is no real gameplan here. Not this floor except don’t come in last place.”

I started to retort, but she made a motion with her eyes, indicating Linus below her, and I got the hint. Of course there was a plan. It was probably already in the works, but we needed to be careful.

“Ooohh, the Eurythmics. Miss Beatrice did like them, and I must agree. Someone sing ‘Sweet Dreams’ with me.”

~~~~~~~~

I wanted a good, happy-ish chapter where they're all just hanging out with not-so-high stakes before the chaos begins. Next chapter we're jumping straight into Heat 2, and we'll get a small hint of what these races will really encompass because race #1 was nothing.


END SPOILERS

Thanks again, everyone. On a personal note, I'm FINALLY in the process of hiring an actual, local full-time assistant whose job will be to take care of the Patreon amongst many other duties. Please be gentle. Also in the beginning process of revamping the website, which will include porting the fan wiki to a hosted server. We also just signed several merch deals. It's all coming together, and I've been a very busy bee. But it's also nice right now that my only writing duty is just DCC. For the webtoon and everything else coming down the pipeline, my duties consist of just reading what they've done and me saying "Cool" or "Lucia Mar would never say that." etc etc.

If you haven't heard already, Renegade is making a DCC TTPRG. No details yet. I won't be super involved in the creation, but I do have say in the final product. The people who are making it are crazy invested. If you're at GenCon this weekend, be sure to stop by their booth and tell them how important a cool DCC TT game is to you.

There will be an announcement tomorrow morning about yet ANOTHER, large-scope DCC-related project that's not the game, not the webtoon, and not the TV show that I'm not allowed to disclose until then but it's yet another cool project with some very cool people. And we'll also have a sample chapter from Operation Bounce House posted soon. (And if you're a reviewer, I believe the arcs are going to start hitting Netgalley soon)

Thanks for all your support. Y'all rock.