Book 8, Chapters 30 and 31. Tour news. (Patreon)

Hi everyone! Thanks again for your support! I just returned from Lucca Comics and Games, and it was a great time. My time in Italy had no bearing whatsoever on the following chapters. My last event of the year is coming up soon. DragonSteel Nexus in SLC, where I'll be hanging with Brandon Sanderson and Pierce Brown and many other awesome authors. Pierce has challenged me to Street Fighter II, and I'm going to kick his ass with Blanka.

I wanted to thank all of you are keeping the Backerkit still alive. It is beyond anything I dreamed possible. You guys are absolutely nuts. Stay tuned for news soon as to why we had to do both of these things this year and not spread it out.

In February, I am going on tour! Please visit mattdinniman.com for links to the individual venues. We'll have some fun guests at some of these dates. All tickets include a copy of Operation Bounce House, but you can also get other books signed as well. If I'm not coming to your city, please have your local bookstore reach out to their Penguin rep (they'll know what that means) because I'll likely be doing this again in June for the book 8 release.

I am slowly catching up on all the people who are owed books. It's an unfortunate time of the year, and I am doing this myself personally on top of everything else, so it's slow going. If you haven't received one yet, rest assured you will, even if you are no longer subscribed to the proper level. Please give us some more time as it's A LOT. I'm tearing through all my old inventory and sending out when I can.

Anyway, onto the chapters!

~~~~




<Entry from Donut’s A Banquet Fit for a Princess.>

Luca Di. Crawler #10,284,471.

Race: Human.

Class: Pastamancer.

Final level: 62.

You probably don’t remember me, princess, but I was one of the ones to give you my train hat on the fourth floor. You not only saved my life, but you saved the life of my mother, Giulia DiMarco, as well.

My mother and I never got along growing up. When she started to suffer from dementia, we placed her in a home, and I left her there. Guilt finally got the best of me, and I went to visit her on that day.

I felt as if I needed closure for all the terrible things she had done and said as I was growing up. I never got the chance, as we found ourselves in the dungeon soon after I’d wheeled her outside.

I protected her until we got to the third floor, where she took the only class that would save her mind, a Benevento, which is basically an elf-like witch creature. I don’t know if you remember her, but she patted you on the head and said you were beautiful.

With her mind repaired, I finally found the closure I was seeking.

I know you don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe one day, when all this is done, I can tell you the full story of myself and my mother. For now, I just want you to know I was able to talk to her again. I was able to tell her how I truly felt about some of the things she had done, and she was able to tell me some of why she was the way she was.

As terrible as this place is, I found forgiveness in the dungeon, and I found a peace I never would have been able to find if I’d simply unloaded my feelings on a dying woman who could no longer understand.

My mother fell during the bubble level. But I will forever cherish those last few days I had with her.

And it’s because of you and Carl that I got that.

I can’t imagine what toll that War Crime spell took on you. But I want you to know it’s okay to forgive yourself. Maybe you don’t look at it that way, and I am speaking to empty air, but I don’t think I am. Sometimes there are no good choices, and we just do what we have to.

You saved me, and by saving me, you also saved the memory of my mother and all those I have loved, and for that, I love you, Princess Donut. Even though you don’t know me, I love you with all I have.

Keep up the good fight, and should you fall, I want you to know you will never be forgotten.

Drawing: A bent tube of pasta.

Associated Spell: Temporary Macaroni. Casts at level 14. 

Chapter 30

The light turned green, Gluteus hit the accelerator, tires squealed, and we were off. We lurched forward, and we started down the hill at a breakneck speed.

We had 20 minutes to go 30 kilometers.

I fell backward, my back smashing into the closer of the two ghoul cages. The ghoul within shout-groaned as the truck started to buck and bounce.

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch.

We shook heavily as we plowed over and through the rushing sugar skulls on the road. Despite their head start, we quickly outpaced them, even the ones that were freely rolling down the asphalt.

The engine roared, the gauges maxed out, and we kept accelerating. The entire truck started to shimmy and shake.

If Gluteus so much as tweaked that steering wheel, we were going to flip.  

“Keep it steady!” I yelled.

“You know it, baby! Like fucking a needle! Faster! Faster!” 

“Dr. Metcalf,” I bellowed as I pulled myself into a standing position. “Shout when the invulnerability is about to run out!”  

“And play some fucking music!” Gluteus added as he hooted and hollered. He leaned absolutely forward so his chest was pressed against the steering wheel as we careened down the road.

“Slow down!” Donut shrieked from the chair. “Gluteus, you’re going too fast!”

“Mayhaps you’d like a calming massage, my princess?” Dorata asked.

“Not now, Dorata!” Donut yelled.

You know what? I do think we need music. This feels like an appropriate song. Anything to shut that chair up.

Some Halloween-sounding techno heavy metal song started to blast. I’d definitely heard it before, but I couldn’t remember the title. It was a car racing song about witches and ditches.

Gluteus started pounding the dash with his hairy hand. Donut shouted something as we bounced up and down. 

“Shut that off!” I yelled, but nobody could hear me. We didn’t have time. I turned toward the back of the truck to prepare the cages.

Donut: HOW IS THIS EVEN PLAYING? WHERE ARE THE SPEAKERS? 

“Okay, guys,” I shouted at the two ghouls. They looked at me blankly, likely unable to hear me over the music. One had his hands over his ears. “We’re doing this!”

I grabbed the first lever we’d built into the floor of the truck, and I yanked. The back door burst open as the first cage popped out, suspended over the road on a reinforced beam, like a fishing pole. I pulled the chain on the ceiling, which swung the beam toward the driver side of the truck, moving the cage so it hung outside over open road, just behind, shaking and dangling like a lantern. I quickly secured the chain on the embedded hook. I then shoved the second cage, and it glided smoothly out. I pulled this second chain, and the arm pivoted, swinging the second cage out to the opposite side as the other. I secured the chain, locking it all in place.

I rushed back and slid out the door stabilizer, which kept the back door from swinging back and forth.

Both ghouls were now suspended in cages that dangled on either side of the truck, making it look like we had wings. The ghouls within dropped the front trap doors, which would allow them to lean out and toss their potion balls. I could yank on a third chain, which would raise the driver side cage like it was on a crane, bringing it up and higher than the height of the truck.

This whole pulley and lever system was an engineering marvel cobbled together by Hedy, and it allowed for the deployment and quick retraction of the twin defensive positions while not changing the integrity of the truck itself. The entire system was secured inside the kitchen.

With that done, we still had a good forty seconds left on the invulnerability. I hadn’t yet bothered to check where the other racers were. I hazarded a look out the back now to see.

We’d left One Fine Pig far behind, but the Lady Dominator car was right there, zooming up behind us. Team Free Love’s van was also bouncing along behind the Dominator team. Both the armored dog and the bear were way back there, as far back as One Fine Pig. It seemed like both the biological mounts were still in the midst of the surging sugar hermits. If they didn’t get free soon, they’d both get taken out by the little monsters.

I looked for Team Sparkles, but I couldn’t see the bush anywhere. I leaned out the back, straining, but there was no sign of them. 

“Do you see that damn unicorn!” I started to shout, but nobody could hear me.

Carl: Do you see Team Sparkles?

Donut: THEY’RE WAY AHEAD. THEY HAVE SOME SORT OF ROCKET THING ON THE BACK OF THEIR STUPID TUMBLEWEED, AND THEY’RE ROLLING. WE’RE IN SECOND PLACE!

“Shit,” I grumbled. I pulled the eight-pack launcher from my inventory, aimed it straight up in the air, and I fired out the back of the zooming truck. Thwum, thwum, thwum. thwum.  The eight missiles spiraled off, one by one. Four moved toward the heavily-armored One Fine Pig, and four moved toward Team Sparkles.  

We still had thirty seconds, but that was okay. The missiles weren’t designed to explode.

I caught sight of Rapture in the passenger seat of their muscle car. She gave me a pair of devil horns, thinking we were still working together. I nodded at them and moved to the front of the truck.

The music abruptly stopped before the song finished.

Invulnerability is about to time out, and the next wave comes.

Above, the rockets corkscrewed down toward the bush, which I could barely see in the distance. As I watched, a new shield appeared about the unicorn and his strange mount, this one glowing purple.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Three of the four rockets slammed into the bush, which immediately veered off to the side and started spinning in panicked circles.

The Denial of Service missiles weren’t meant to kill the vehicles directly. Each impact caused a chemical reaction that triggered a thick, mucus membrane to form over a wide area. In this case, the three missiles utterly covered the round shield protecting the bush with a thick goo, making it so they couldn’t see. They were now encased in the green slime. They could turn off the shield, but the sludge would just fall upon them and get stuck in the vines, which Mordecai insisted would slow them to a crawl.

Invulnerability has timed out.

“Casting Shield!” Donut shouted. 

Donut: IT SAYS THE SHIELD DOESN’T COVER THE TWO GHOULS OUTSIDE THE TRUCK!

Carl: Okay. We thought that might happen. Stick to the plan.

“Oh, fuck!” Gluteus shouted. “Would you look at that!”

Up ahead, two literal waves of skulls appeared out of nowhere, coming from both sides of the road, zooming toward the track like a pair of twin tsunamis. Each wave was about twenty feet tall. In a few seconds, we were going to be buried in the sugar hermits. The one on the right side was much closer and would reach us first. I quickly returned to the back of the truck.

“Ghouls, get ready!” I yelled, sticking my head out the back of the truck. “You,” I shouted, pointing to Lafcadio, who was the ghoul dangling off on the driver’s side. I pointed upward.

He shouted something back, but I couldn’t hear. I moved back and yanked the chain, raising him up in the air. The ghoul would have to open the cage all the way and climb to the roof of the truck. There he’d move forward to deal with the enemies coming from the front. But it would take him a few moments to get in place.

I returned to the back door just as the other ghoul started hurling his potion balls at the approaching waves of colorful skulls.

This was a similar potion as the denial of service missiles, but much thicker. The Denial of Service missiles spread a gooey, runny slime over everything. We’d started calling the potion balls Biscuit Packs. Each potion ball caused a round-ish, foam-filled explosion about three meters in diameter that hardened in a manner of seconds. It was the same basic principle as the polyurethane expanding foam they used in construction and boat repair, but this stuff hardened instantly and had the consistency of rock once toughened.

The ghoul hurled the potion balls, one after another at the rapidly approaching wave on the passenger side. He didn’t wait to see if it worked. He was like a machine, throwing the balls, with both his left and right hands. He had 99 of them in his limited inventory, and I had many hundred more if he ran out. 

Each explosion made a loud pop sound as it hit the ground or one of the skulls, and the results were instantaneous. It’d explode and poof out, popcorn-like, snagging dozens of them at a time while also creating a barrier. The ball would then either veer off the road or start to roll alongside us. The screams from the sugar hermits went up in pitch, even louder than the engine, as the little tentacles reached out from the giant, foam balls.

We hadn’t known what sort of mobs we’d be facing. Only that there would be “waves” of them. This was the best solution we could come up with that would be effective with the widest possibility of enemies. It wasn’t perfect, and plenty were getting through and around the foam balls, but it was keeping us from getting overwhelmed. For now.  

From the roof, Lafcaido also started hurling balls as he dragged himself along the tommy gun.

Off the driver’s side, we quickly passed Team Sparkles, who were all the way on the other side of the wide road. They’d taken several direct hits from the Denial of Service missiles, and the vine was now floundering, though the shield appeared to still be up. The slime-covered vine was hit by the wave of the skull mobs coming from the other side. The monsters mostly ignored the unicorn and his bush, attempting to flow over and around it, but the Denial of Service slime was especially sticky, and many skulls were getting stuck. Soon, the vehicle resembled a miniature ball of swine. Last I saw, it veered off the road as the GTO and van passed by.

We didn’t have time to celebrate.

“Hold on!” Gluteus shouted as the skulls flooded the streets ahead of us. They were hitting the asphalt and immediately turning toward the finish line, leaving an increasingly narrow path ahead. The ghouls were doing an admirable job, but we were quickly losing ground.

Carl: Donut! Plan corridor! Plan corridor!

Donut: THEY’RE COMING FROM BOTH SIDES! WHAT ABOUT MACARONI?

Carl: Save Macaroni! Corridor for now. Do it to the right! And make sure you turn it in the correct direction!

Donut leaned forward and cast her level-15, powered up to level-16, Wall of Fire.

On the passenger side of the truck, a line of flames materialized. A wave of heat radiated over us. 

“Whoa, shit!” I shouted as the wall appeared, running parallel with the side of the truck. There was a good thirty feet between us and the flames, but it still felt like we were way too close. I gawked as the wall rapidly raced ahead, reaching far into the distance. The flames went straight up, easily a hundred feet into the air. The line had to be a mile long.

I’d been expecting the spell to be strong, but not like this. It was too bad it wouldn’t let her cast a second instance while the first was going.

We quickly learned the foam from the biscuit packs was flammable. As were the sugar hermits themselves.

The skulls on the right all but disappeared, and the ones on the driver’s side shrunk back from the fire. But a moment later, the skulls reappeared, coming from the wall of flames, rolling, probably dead, but now burning heavily as they tumbled like mini meteors alongside us.  

“Heavy fucking metal!” Gluteus screamed as the on-fire skulls started to pile up. Black, choking smoke was suddenly everywhere.

Crunch, crunch, crunch. We slowed slightly as we started bumping over more of the skulls. Smoke filled the van.

But then we were past them. After another ten seconds, we were past the massive wall of flames, and the smoke cleared.

“That’s right! That’s fucking right!” Gluteus shouted, slamming the horn over and over.

Chapter 31

“I killed more than 10,000 of them!” Donut shouted. “I didn’t even go up a level! This is an outrage!”

Above, a pair of legs appeared, dangling over the windshield. Lafcadio had finally made his way to the front of the roof, a little late. He would be right next to the barrel of the fake tommy gun, clutching onto it.

I just breathed for a second as we continued to rush down the road. Okay, okay, this isn’t over yet.

Ahead, I got a better view of the massive, colorful skull thing at the bottom of the long hill. At first I thought it was a whale skull, but I realized that wasn’t it. It was the head of a giant beetle thing. Like the skull or husk of a Hercules beetle, though this thing appeared to be the height of a three-story building, just blocking the road. 

An info box popped up.

This is the skull of Tem, who up until a few days ago, resided within the Nothing. We borrowed different parts of his corpse for different races because he was really badass looking. It’s too bad your friend Odette wasted him the moment he appeared. But, alas, waste not, want not. Still, you might just want to take note of the size of this thing. He has friends who are still alive.    

An explosion echoed behind us. I didn’t know what that was.

Carl: Update?

Jasha: We’re almost through the chop! The shield is keeping the fuckers back, and that fire trick did a number on them. You got the Dominators on your ass, and we’re right behind!

Chiyome: We are in trouble. We can’t see. They are everywhere. Your missiles detonated too early over the Fine Pigs, and the goo went all over the place, including over Onikuma. I do not know where the jugglers are, but they are back with us. I think maybe behind us, but I am not sure. The road is too steep for Oni. He keeps stumbling.   

Carl: Move to the right side. We’ll toss the tunnels if a third wave comes! 

We continued to rocket down the road for a good minute without anything happening other than Gluteus bouncing up and down in his chair, shouting for more music.

“No music!” I yelled. “I need to be able to hear and give orders!”

“What’s the point of speeding if we can’t do it to fucking heavy metal, you poser?” The man was absolutely vibrating, shaking in the chair.

“Gluteus, why are you talking like a mantaur?” Donut demanded.

“Because I am made of speed and the sun and I am one with universe, baby!” He started howling again. A little bit of white foam had started to foam on either side of his fuzzy lips.  

“Just keep your eyes on the goddamned road!” I growled.

Dr. Metcalf beeped, but before she could say anything, I jabbed a finger at the console. “And you know better, too! I mean, what the hell was that with the music? It almost killed us.”

“Don’t yell at her,” Gluteus said. “That was a great song. We didn’t even finish it!”

“She’s a terrible influence,” Dorata the seat said.

I am going to eject you into a pit of acid, Doctor Metcalf mumbled..

“Everyone calm down!” Donut said as she scanned the road ahead. “We can argue about stuff after we cross the finish line! My goodness, that skull thing at the end of the road is quite big. It’s completely blocking the path!”

“Imma ram that bitch,” Gluteus said.

“No, we’ll break the windshield and hit it with a magic missile as we approach,” I said. “But wait until the last possible minute. If we poke a hole too early, the Dominators will zoom ahead.”

“What about the ghouls?” Donut asked. “If we hit the skull, the guys will fall off if the hole isn’t big enough!”

I looked warily out the window for more mobs. “We’ll give it another few minutes, and if nothing else happens, we’ll call them back in.”       

I returned to the back of the truck and peered outside. The ghoul in the cage on the passenger side remained, glaring out at the GTO, which had pulled up directly behind us, tailgating. The ghoul was literally smoking, like his clothes had caught on fire. He didn’t seem to mind. Genesis was at the wheel and Corcunda, once again, was passed out in the back. Rapture was holding a weapon that looked like a flamethrower. I eyed it warily.

They were faster than us, but they seemed content for now to let us lead. They were clearly planning on zooming past us at the last minute. But I also worried they were dumb enough to try to attack us, too. I was pretty sure the shield would protect us from a handheld flamethrower.

I moved a launcher with a denial of service missile to my hotlist.  

The Free Love van also trailed us, maybe ten seconds back. And beyond that, nothing but smoke from the now-distant but still-raging wall of fire.

I hadn’t received any notification that any of the teams had been eliminated, which was good, but now I worried I shouldn’t have used those four missiles on the trigger-happy pig team.  

Wave three is commencing.

“Shit” I said, looking about. I couldn’t see anything. “Where are they coming from?”

The truck lurched.

“Fucking hell!” Gluteus shouted while laughing maniacally. He started to slap the side of his own face, suddenly reminding me of the caprid leader. He was getting worse by the second. More foam drooled out of his mouth, and it splattered everywhere as he yelled. “They’re coming up through the road! Get ready for some crunchy, lumpy speedbumps!” 

Well, fuck us all I guess. The final wave is commencing, too.

And that’s when the skulls started raining from the sky.

I watched as multiples of the sugar hermits started crashing into and around the shield of the GTO as divots started to form on the asphalt.

We lurched again, gaining air before crashing down as multiple of the colorful skulls started exploding all around us. They weren’t just falling from the sky. It was like they were being shot downward out of a cannon. None seemed to actually survive the fall, instead exploding like hail all around us.

“We’re getting close!” Donut shouted. “Just a few minutes, and we’ll be there!” 

And then there were more of the skulls falling from the sky. Soon, it was all we could see. I heard a hissing scream from the passenger side of the truck quickly followed by a notification.

Warning: One of your hired mercenaries has died! Well, died again as he was a ghoul.

“The shield isn’t going to last much longer!” Donut yelled. She let out a yelp as we bumped. Behind, I had a clear view of Rapture as she fired her flamethrower directly into the air above their car as skulls pelted and exploded against their shield. Dark ichor sprayed with each explosion.

The truck lurched again, and we swerved dangerously.

“Slow down,” I shouted. “We’re going too fast for a bumpy road! Donut, macaroni!”

I pulled a window shatter banger sphere out with plans to shatter our own windshield, but I couldn’t grasp it properly, and it rolled away. “Gah!”

Donut, on seeing this, jumped up to shatter the front windshield herself, but she was jerked back by her seat. A set of shoulder straps had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, keeping her firmly in place.

“It’s too dangerous, my princess!”

As Donut struggled with her chair, I lurched forward, forming a fist. My gauntlet appeared on the outside of the costume, and I smashed through the windshield like it was paper. Glass sprayed everywhere. Wind filled the truck, almost blowing me back. The purple guts of the sugar hermits misted into the cabin as little pieces of skull that made it through the shield peppered us like shrapnel.

“Hey!” came Lafcaido’s hiss from the roof. He was still up there, clutching onto the gun.  

“Donut,” I croaked.

Donut, who’d just received the spell from her Banquet Fit for a Princess book, cast Temporary Macaroni.

Unlike most of her spells, we’d found out the hard way that this one couldn’t be cast through glass, which was why we’d had to shatter the windshield.

Ahead, an absolutely massive chunk of pasta appeared. The oblong tube had to be fifteen feet tall and twenty feet wide. I wasn’t sure how long it was, but it appeared in front of us like the opening of a highway tunnel. The spell cast at level 14 but was enhanced to 15. At that level, Donut could choose the size, shape, and direction of the giant tube of pasta. She chose uncooked, dried cannelloni. The spell only cost 10 mana to cast, and she could chain it, which is what she did now, creating a tunnel of giant tubes.

And the pasta itself had to be at least a foot thick, making it pretty strong. Strong enough to keep from breaking when the skulls rained on it, and strong enough to keep the ones coming up from the ground to break through. I hoped.

“I’m sliding in!” Gluteus foamed as we zoomed right into the tunnel, bumping heavily as we went from asphalt to pasta. Ahead, another tunnel appeared, then another. Donut was rigid as she focused straight ahead, chaining the spell. Still, there was space between each giant tube, and in those spaces, the sugar hermits surged, flooding into the space.

It was still better protection than being out in the open.

“Shield is out!” Donut called as she cast another tube. “Let me cast three more tubes then I’ll turn it back on!”

A skull was suddenly in the cab, having come in through the missing windshield, and I punched it with my gauntlet. It exploded, but when I pulled my fist back, the purple thing living inside the skull was still attached to the gauntlet. It started to slither, octopus like, around the metal fist, moving toward my arm. I cast Bang Bro, which electrified the weapon, and the creature dropped off, dead and sizzling.

Jasha: There’s so many, and I can’t see shit. Did you cast the tunnel?      

Carl: Tunnel is on the right side of the track!

Jasha: Oh shit, I see it! I see it! Going in now! I see you now!  Dominators are following you, and we’ll be right behind! Is this really spaghetti?

Carl: It’s fragile, but it’s cast at such a high level, I think it’ll last just long enough to keep you out of harm’s way. Chiyome. Make sure you veer to the far right side of the track, or you might miss it.

Warning: You may not message deceased NPCs.  

The Wild Hunt have been eliminated due to the death of all team members. Six teams remain in the current heat.

“Oh, fuck!” I cried. More of the skulls attacked, and I smashed them all. Above, I could hear Lafcaido struggling. I contemplated grabbing his legs to pull him back into the truck. I smashed another skull.  

The Scavenger’s Daughter has been fed. Unleash her wrath.

Shit. I’d need to activate it before we finished the race, or I’d be stuck with it for however long it took until the next race.  

The Jugglers have been eliminated due to the death of all team members. Five teams remain in the current heat.

“No, no, no,” I said, turning to look behind me, as if I could actually see them. The Lady Dominators remained right on our ass. Goddamnit.

There was another thump from the roof. I reached up to grab Lafcaido’s legs to drag him back inside, but when I pulled, his head didn’t come with him. A skull thing chittered happily from the roof as it jumped off, the ghoul’s head in tow.

Warning: Another one of your hired mercenaries has died! I hope you offer workman’s comp.  

“Almost there!” Donut shouted. “Casting shield, ahhh!”

The large skull of some orc-like creature crashed through the front and wrapped itself around the front of Donut’s face like one of those facehuggers from the Alien movies. Before anyone could react, multiple arms appeared from the car seat and violently ripped the thing off of her. The skull and creature within were torn to shreds.

“Thank you, Dorata,” Donut sputtered.

Ahead, the end of the tunnel loomed. All I could see was the blue of the beetle skull thing. Already, it was teeming with the sugar hermits who didn’t appear to know what to do now that they’d finally reached their target. They swarmed over it like fleas on a dog.  

I looked down at my kangaroo feet then again at the skull. My foot buff had run out, so my feet weren’t protected. Still...

“Donut, forget the Magic Missile! Tighten the shield around yourself and Gluteus. Everyone hold on!”  

The truck lurched as it veered too close to the edge of the tube, and the now-empty passenger-side cage clipped the edge of the pasta wall. The whole truck wobbled ominously as we exited the last pasta tube.  

“Hold it steady!” I shouted, turning to Gluteus, only to see him unconscious and slumped against the wheel, a line of foam dripping from his mouth. Ahead, the skull, followed by the finish line loomed.

“Fuck!”

I didn’t think. I reached over and grabbed the steering wheel. There was a chime. “Donut, hit the accelerator and don’t let go!”

Donut, again, struggled to get out of the car seat, but it held her tight. She didn’t hesitate. She used her claws and ripped free, shredding the belt holding her in place. She jumped down between the legs of the unconscious Gluteus. She slammed her paws on the accelerator. This was followed by a second chime.   

Her seat was shouting something as multiple metallic arms reached out from the thing in an attempt to grasp Donut and bring her back to the seat.

The GTO’s engine roared as they emerged from the tunnel behind us. They surged forward, moving to our right, hugging the edge of the road as they started to pass us.

With one hand still on the steering wheel, I pulled myself out the windshield and lay across the hood of the truck, on my back, feet hanging off the front, just in front of the headlamps. I reached over my shoulders and awkwardly held onto the steering wheel with my second hand as well.  

“Carl, Carl, what are you doing!” Donut shouted from the interior of the car.

I activated Daughter’s Kiss. I tensed, intent on ramming the kaiju skull or beetle carapace or whatever it was with my giant feet.  

“Fuck youuuu!” came a new shout, just as we were about to make contact. The shout was so loud I could hear it over the roar of the engines.

It was Dwight the unicorn, zooming up from our left, giant cannon hanging out the side of their speeding, slime-covered vine.

I ripped the steering wheel to the left just as they fired. I felt the food truck flip in the air just as the cannon blast ripped through the side of the truck, causing the back of the truck to whip to the right as we flipped like a badly-tossed football. My feet came in contact with the kaiju skull, which exploded, as we rapidly spun in a circle, continuing to rise in the air as our back end clipped against the side of the GTO, which had also been hit by the cannon blast. And then the front of the rapidly deteriorating food truck also hit the vine, which likewise flew up into the air.

All three of our spinning and flying vehicles careened over the finish line at the same time. I let go of the steering wheel as the truck spun over my head. All three of the Dominators were thrown from their vehicle as they passed over the finish line, and I made contact with the unconscious Corcunda as we continued to spin.

I hit the ground hard and slid as flaming, crunching metal rained all around me. I screamed as I felt my kangaroo skin get flayed off. My health scroll contingency activated as I continued to roll.

I slammed into something hard, coming to an abrupt stop. I’d hit the groaning form of one of the womantaurs. Corcunda, still unconscious, also came to a rest next to me.    

There was an enormous crunch of fiberglass and metal and glass as the main body of the food truck landed on its back and spun off to my left.

Tater tots and French fries and chicken patties were everywhere. I just stared, dumbfounded, as a frozen chicken patty spun like a coin on the road in front of me before stopping, still, miraculously balanced on its side like it was a magic trick.     

The GTO was a flaming, crumpled mess to my right. The vine had tumbled to a stop near me, and it was on fire. My kangaroo feet were literally on fire. Despite the healing scroll, both of my arms were broken. Both my legs were broken. Things inside of me were crushed. I took a Fine Healing potion, waited a second, and then I took another.     

Team Free Love’s van screeched to a stop, and Jasha and Radoslav jumped out, rushing to the food truck.

“Donut,” I croaked, pulling myself up. My pelvis had broken, and I tried to stand before it had fully healed. I pulled myself up a second time, tried to walk, and fell over because of the damn kangaroo feet.

But then Donut was there, completely unhurt, jumping all around me, “Carl, Carl, are you okay? Are you okay? You crashed the truck! Your feet are on fire!” She started rapidly chewing and then she started shooting water over my feet. It came out of her mouth. She’d just eaten another page from either the Book of Voodoo or Banquet book.   

Across the way, Jasha pulled the still unconscious Gluteus from the wreckage. Corcunda lay in a heap next to me. There was a tear in his suit, and some guts oozed out, but he was still alive. Rapture was standing over Genesis, who was folded over herself in an unnatural pose. She administered a healing potion to her partner.

If this had been a crash outside the dungeon, we’d all be dead right now. We’d be splattered all over the place.

“That’s what you get! That’s what you get!” Dwight shouted.

“Yeah, fuck you, swine!” Lucienne added from his back.

They both appeared mostly unhurt, and they remained in their vine. Lucienne’s little helmet was cracked, and the vine itself smoldered like there was fire within.

“Somebody help me!” a new voice said, and a human head popped out of the vine. It was a balding man about fifty years old.

Dwight bobbed his head triumphantly. “Yeah, that’s right. Try to shoot a missile at me? Well, it worked out for us. Feast your stupid eyes. Look what we got!”

“Ah, shit,” I muttered. They’d somehow found the upgrade engineer. They’d be able to bring him to their garage and get even more and better enhancements now.   

Dwight’s unicorn horn sparkled. “Yeah, cry. I want to see you cry. You tried to kill us, and we ended up finding the thing that’s gonna help us win this whole race. The dude was just sitting there on the side of the road. So thank you for that. He’s gonna build us an even better gun. You motherfuckers are all dead next race. You hear me? Fucking dead. We’re gonna shoot you motherfuckers first.”

“Fucking dead,” Lucienne added. “And you owe me a new helmet!”   

The vine, trailing smoke, started to limp-roll toward a garage.

Jasha padded up. “What an ending. We lost two teams so far, but I’m not sure if...”

Team One Fine Pig’s APV rumbled over the finish line. There was no sign of the draconian mercenary who’d been on the roof.

“...Yeah, I guess that’s it,” Jasha finished. “Bad news about the razor foxes. I liked her even though she was trying to get us to kill you next race. Looks like we’ll have a new competitor joining the neighborhood.”   

I groaned again and tried to stand. Our truck was literally spread all over the road. Though the GTO was in worse shape.

“Carl, I don’t even know what place we came in,” Donut said. “We all crossed the finish line at the same time!”

I turned to watch the unicorn team enter the garage with a big two painted on the door. A moment later, the doors to both the one and three garages opened. Groups of gremlins dragging carts and wheelbarrows rushed out of both, headed in our direction.

I felt myself grin.

A set of figures stood in the open garage of house number one. It was Jamal, Dong, and Hedy. Jamal started hopping up and down at the sight of us, waving his mechanical front legs excitedly.

Heat Three. Results.

First Place: The Royal Court of Princess Donut. (M)

Second Place: Team Sparkles. (B)

Third Place: Lady Dominators and the Gimp. (M)

Fourth Place: Team Free Love. (M)

Fifth Place: One Fine Pig. (M)

Sixth Place: <Empty> A replacement team will be assigned soon.

Eliminated:

The Wild Hunt. (B)

The Jugglers. (B)

Heat Four begins soon.


~~~~~~~



Thank you all for your continued support.

I just wanted to add one more personal note. One of the problems with having so many animals in your life is that you never get any rest, and the joy they bring is inevitably tempered with heartache. It's worth it, of course, but sometimes it's hard to remember that. My poor Chanel, the world's most fierce Maltese, is 12 years old and is fading. She is now fully blind and diabetic, getting injections two times a day. I got her the same time as we got Freddie, who as some of you know died last year. As long as she keeps wagging that tail and is free of pain, she will persist.

In addition, our rescue cat, Tika Margarita Dinniman, was diagnosed with cancer just a few weeks ago. She was quiet, gentle, and sweet. Her favorite thing in the world was to spend her day hunting for the best sunbeam, and the moment it moved, she moved. When the world was dark, and there was no sun to find, she found her warmth in her second-favorite place, which was on the chest of her favorite humans.

That cancer spread so rapidly and mercilessly, we had no choice but to let her go this past Monday.

It never gets easier.

Tika Dinniman. 2015(?) - 2025. May you catch the forever sunbeam as you ascend.