Book 8, chapters 60 and 61 (Patreon)

Hello all. We will have a cover reveal soon. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you for the continued support.

Chapter 60

We had just over an hour and a half before the next heat would start.

Carl: Okay, guys. We need to do this now. We have two things to do. Get these Corcunda guys back together, and get Li Na out of here. This Porky guy is helping us, but like we’ve been warned, he does not like Dong Quixote. We need to keep them separated.

Elle: Na is in. I think. She’s still being creepy as fuck. She’s not actually talking, but she sort of nodded. We’ll meet you at your saferoom. Also, I heard about your performance. I am so pissed I missed it.

Donut: CARL DID GREAT, BUT I WAS ROBBED OF A PERFECT SCORE.

Elle: I heard. You’ll get ‘em next time, kid. See you soon.

Imani: Dong is being a problem. He doesn’t want to leave. He’s picked up all the nickels we could find, but the sock is back to the size it was when he first got it, and he’s complaining that it has stopped talking to him. We need to keep an eye on him. Donut is talking to him now.

Carl: Splash Zone, come get your boy.

Warning: As this mercenary is no longer on this floor, they are unable to be contacted. You will still be charged their daily fee until you can locate them. Maybe this’ll teach you to keep better track of your hired help. 

What the shit?

I sent quick messages to Gluteus and Dr. Bones, who’d also been with Splash Zone in the Desperado Club. I received the same warning.

Carl: Dong, Bucket Boy. I think something happened to the other strippers in the Desperado Club! I can’t contact them.

Donut: OH NO.

Bucket Boy: They’re not answering me, either! They were going to see the new boss guy. Hamed. Anaconda and Damascus Steel’s dad!

Hamed. The leader of the Naughty Boy’s Employment Agency. The late Astrid’s “husband” who took over the Desperado Club after Katia and I killed her. I had no idea what was going on with all that, and now was not the time for that whole thing to kick off.

“Goddamnit,” I grumbled.

Carl: Okay, okay. It doesn’t say they’re dead, which is good. And we know Damascus Steel is still alive because Donut saw him last floor. Don’t go back in there. As soon as we get through this, we’ll try to find them.

Dong didn’t answer.

Donut: I HAD TO ORDER DONG BACK TO THE SAFEROOM. HE’S VERY UPSET THAT HE’S BEING LEFT OUT OF THIS. THIS IS VERY EMOTIONAL FOR HIM. AND NOW WE’RE ALL GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE LOLLIPOP. THE BARTENDER GUY IS BACK AND IS ACCUSING PREPOTENTE OF STEALING A BUNCH OF THE DRINKS, WHICH HE DID. SO WE GOTTA RUN.

Carl: We’re on our way.

Ten minutes later, Imani, Donut, Gregori, Louis, Britney, Porky, and I stood outside the garage door with the Number 2. We were currently in a safe area, but the garage itself wasn’t a safezone, so the rules were a little weird about what we could and couldn’t do to break in. My original plan was to blow the whole thing off the tracks, but instead we decided to use Donut’s Hole spell to get inside.

We’d get inside, disable Genesis and Rapture, and grab Corky. We’d drag him back to our garage where Gregori would do the ceremony.

The fleshmancer said the spell itself wasn’t too difficult if both halves were willing. We’d have to unzip both from their containment suits and keep both halves alive with spells or potions while we squished them together, which would be pretty gross. But once they were touching, he would cast a joining spell that would start the process to fuse them. And once together, there would be just a few short minutes before the two personalities would join.

“What’s going to happen to them, personality wise?” I asked as we approached the garage. “They’ve been apart a really long time, and now they’re very different people.”

“I have no idea,” Gregori said. “But I’m looking forward to seeing the results. It’s a very interesting process, or so I’ve heard.”

“Wait, so you’ve never done this before?” I asked.

The tall mage shrugged. “It is quite rare for two halfsies to survive more than a few minutes after the casting of Split Personality, so I haven’t had the opportunity. I have witnessed Meld work a few times, which is similar in terms of combining two minds, but in the case of Meld, the party instituting the spell is the dominant personality.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It is when a creature consumes and joins with another. Slimes use the process, as do many demons and some types of succubae. Some versions are permanent. Some aren’t. When it is permanent, but they don’t want it to be anymore, that’s when they look for someone like me. I specialize in fixing other people’s mistakes. I’m not always successful, but I assure you, I’m the best there is.”

I thought again of Samantha and her quest to get her body back. I quickly explained everything that was going on with her.

“Yes, yes, I’m familiar,” he said, sounding dismissive. He oddly reminded me of one of many caseworkers I had as a teen. “Imani was telling me a bit about the situation. I would like to examine this so-called withering spirit as what you describe is quite impossible. But if you need for her to regain a body, I have multiple options now that you’ve wasted the flesh golem.”

I grunted. “Let’s see how this goes first.”   

Donut was shooting rapid-fire, singing-related questions at Porky, who hopped along on a single foot and was cheerfully answering them.

“Her name is Lover Illiana,” Donut was saying, talking about her singing booth in the training room. “She’s just a hologram lady, but she is quite helpful. Though I must say, I feel as if I’ve plateaued in my career. Miss Illiana cares more about my breaths and how I’m hitting the notes, which is good and all. But she has no real concept of showbusiness, which is why I wanted to get into your guild. I am already an expert singer. What I need help with is bringing the house down.”

“I know that name,” Porky said as he hopped along. “Lover Illiana was a famed singer and renowned vocal coach. She died quite tragically, but her legend lives on. But you are correct. Soaring vocals can bring the audience to the edge of their seat, but it’s the performance itself, your ability to connect with the audience that whisks them into the clouds with you. Any performance is 10% talent, 90% presence I always say. A truly transcendent experience requires one to know their fans intimately. You want them to limp out of the theater after you’re done with them, gasping for breath as if you’ve just made love to their very soul. You want everything they experience after the fact to be stale and taste like ash because they know they’ll never experience joy like that again... Unless they buy a ticket to your next show.”

“Exactly!” Donut said.

“Well, after we do this business, please come back and find me in the guild, and I will be happy to show you a trick or two.”

Donut gave me a sidelong glance. “Yeah, sure. Of course.”

Elle: We’re in the guildhall common room if you want to join us.

Donut: YOU HAVE TO WAIT. I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE TO LI NA BEFORE SHE LEAVES.

Carl: Give us ten minutes. I hope this will go fast.  

Tipid: Uh, guys. I hate to do this, but you might want to speed things up. Dong is sick. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but his health just started to dip. He has a debuff over his head that says Negative ROI. I don’t know what that means. I’ve never seen it before. And then Bucket Boy lost the sock. 

Bucket Boy: This is different than last time! His health is going down slower, but I can see the debuff now. It’s a curse! I grabbed the sock and tried to ask it if it knew what was wrong, but the sock teleported away! I don’t know what happened!

Mordecai: The weapon attacked Bucket Boy but got teleported by the saferoom rules. We’ve lost it. That thing could be anywhere. Goddamn sapient weapons. They’re always bad news. 

Imani: I’ll be there in a bit and see what I can do. If it’s a curse, we’ll have someone bring him to a temple to cure him.

“Okay,” I whispered as we got to the door. “Donut casts Hole, and we all jump in. We know they always keep Corky in there, but we’re not positive the two womantaurs are in. If they are, Louis is going to cast Cloud of Sleep, and Imani will hit them with a Sluggish debuff. Britney and Donut will protect Gregori and Porky, and I’ll grab Corky. Then we’ll haul ass back to our garage and get it done. We’ll leave Louis and Britney outside the garage so they can’t break in to get him back. Are we ready?”

“Ready!” Donut said.

Dong Quixote: This is unbearable, Carl. You are doing this without giving me a chance to even say goodbye. He is the love of my life, and what you’re doing is going to change him forever. I am dying. He is being taken from me. I am right here on the other side of the door, and I can’t even see him.

I paused. Goddamnit. I suddenly felt like a huge asshole. I spent a half second considering it. But, no. This was too important. We couldn’t risk something going wrong.

Carl: I’m sorry, Dong. I wish it could go another way. But if Porky sees you, he’s going to go apeshit, and none of this will work. As soon as we’re done with this, I promise, we’ll get you to a temple to get that curse removed.

“Donut, cast your hole.”

“We talked about this, Carl,” Donut said as she started to cast.

But before she could, the garage door started to open. And from within, a car revved.

“Shit,” Louis said, backing away. “We have less than an hour left. We’re too late. They can go to the starting line!”

“So?” I said, also backing up. “Cast! Cast!”

“We can’t,” Imani said, also stepping off the driveway. The GTO pulled from the garage. From within, both Rapture and Genesis cackled with laughter.

“You think we didn’t hear you out there?” Rapture asked. Across the way, a road appeared, leading up to the starting block. And just beyond it, a massive factory loomed. The building wasn’t there just a moment before. Dark clouds hung over the factory. A flickering, neon sign hung from the top of the dilapidated, multi-story factory. The sign read “Gasworks Screw Factory, Steel Mill, and Doll Workshop.” And under it, a smaller sign read. “There’s no cocaine in here.” Sparks flew from the sign.

“Hey Porky,” called Genesis, who was driving. Corky remained in the back of the car, passed out like usual. “Wanna hop in?”

“We’ll treat you real good,” added Rapture. She patted the outside door of the car with her lower arm. “We’d love to have a matched set.”

“We can’t attack them when they’re on their way to the starting blocks,” Imani said. “They’re in the car, and they’re safe.”

“Shit,” I said.

“Why you keep thinking we’s dumb?” Rapture asked me. “You don’t think we didn’t hear about the fleshmancer you had at the bar? Corky is ours, not yours. And where’s that crusty old stripper guy? He’s not his, either. We’ll unzip Corky and let him spill before we let you have him.”

“Yeah. You got your own gimp. Keep your paws off ours. He’s non-transferable,” Genesis said. She revved the engine a few times.

The tires on the GTO glowed yellow, and they looked to be literally made of gold. That was new.

“See you in the factory,” Rapture said as they pulled onto the road. Behind them, the garage door started to close.

“Stripper?” Porky asked, turning. His single eye focused on me. Even through the suit, I can see he was enraged. “You failed to mention Dong was a part of this little endeavor.”

“I suppose this means we’ll have to wait until after the next race to do this,” Donut said, watching the car leave. “That means we’ll have to make sure they live and that Dwight guy dies during the race. Unfortunate, but it will be nice to finally be rid of the unicorn.”

Bucket Boy: He’s getting worse! He’s really upset! I don’t know how much time he has! I don’t know what to do!

Mordecai: Okay, guys. We’re busy prepping for the Li Na exit, but we just took a look at Dong. I think we know what this is. It’s called Negative ROI for some reason, but Mistress Tiatha believes it’s really a curse that’s also called Separation Anxiety. If that’s the case, a temple isn’t going to help him. It’s not good. We’ll need the sock back, and we’ll need every single coin he lost. Otherwise...

Donut: OH NO! A HUNDRED DIFFERENT NPCS TOOK THE NICKELS! WE’LL NEVER GET THEM ALL BACK!

Mordecai: We don’t have the sock, either. It probably teleported to Hungry Eyes where it got picked up by an NPC or another crawler. That’s what sapient weapons do. They use their owners until they can’t anymore, and then they move on to someone else. I’m sorry, guys. Even I didn’t see it coming. That was a particularly insidious one. Its danger was masked by its stupid origin story.  

Imani jogged off without another word, heading toward our garage. If anyone in the group could save Dong, it would be her. Jacobus zipped after her.    

“Goddamnit,” I said, sitting down on the curb. The quest would fail if Dong was dead. But worse, this was all my fault. I had given him that sock, which I’d originally gotten from Quan Ch.

I looked up at Porky, just standing there, fuming as he gazed off at the giant factory in the distance. I, once again, felt like an enormous asshole.

I thought of Li Na, sitting in the guildhall, waiting for us to say goodbye. She’d been completely drained of any shred of humanity. We had to get her away from the rest of us just to keep her and ourselves alive.

Was I different? Dong was an NPC. But he was also my friend. Yes, we needed to complete this quest. It was crucial. But I could’ve been less of a prick about it, and I knew that.  

Across the way, Jasha and Radoslav sat, watching, talking with Osvaldo and Felipe. All four raised their hand in greeting. I also saw Dwight was out here, still unconscious, though he’d be awake in a minute or two. He’d been dumped right in front of his garage. 

Donut jumped to my shoulder. “We have to do something,” she said.

I didn’t know if we could, but there was at least one right I could wrong and still complete the quest. I stood, and I started striding toward our garage. Everyone else scrambled to catch up. 

“We can’t wait until after the race,” I said. “Porky, you’re going to have to put your big boy pants on. Yes, Dong is here. Yes, I understand you two don’t like each other, but you’re going to get over it. This is to save your life. Gregori, you’re going to spend the next half hour learning how to drive just in case we need you.”

“Drive?” the mage asked.

“We’re still getting them back together, but now we’re doing it during the race,” I said. “Come on, everybody. Let’s say goodbye to Li Na.”

Chapter 61

I left Gregori in the garage with Hedy and Jamal, and we entered the saferoom to find Dong sitting on the couch, sobbing with Bigs on his head, glaring at me. Bigs completely covered the old man’s head, and it took me a moment for my mind to figure out what I was looking at. Tipid and Imani were on the couch as well. Tipid was patting the old man on the shoulder while Bucket Boy stood by, looking helpless. Dong’s health was still in the green, but it was clearly going down.

“Healing potions or blessings don’t work,” Imani said, speaking quietly. “I can slow the descent of his health, but I don’t think I can stop it. He has an hour and a half. Maybe less.” She put her hand on my shoulder. “I’m going to talk to Li Na.”

Jacobus buzzed around Bigs and Dong. The little fairy zoomed right up to Dong’s mouth and lifted his lips and peered inside before Imani yelled at him to get away. The little fairy zoomed off, following Imani.  

“You’re not my favorite person right now, Daddy,” Bigs said from her position atop Dong’s head, swinging her hatchet in my direction. “First you ain’t killing that Li Na murderer, and now you’re playing the bad guy in Dong’s love story. We sluggalos have a code. That code is ‘unity, support, family, and kneecaping bitches.’ You ain’t providing no unity, no support, you’re not watching after your family, and you’re not even letting me kneecap a bitch. That makes you the bitch.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I said.

“Wait, I am?” Bigs asked.

I turned to Donut. “You guys, follow Imani. I’ll be there in a minute. I need to talk to Dong. Porky, stay here.”

Donut and the others left. I returned my attention to Bigs.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve been a dick. I’m doing my best. A long, long time ago, I said something like we need to help each other, otherwise, what’s the point? When we stop doing that, that’s when we stop being...”

I paused.  

Being human, is what I’d said to Brandon.

We needed a word that went beyond that.

“Real Gs?” Bigs asked.

I smiled. “Real Gs.”

“Does that mean we’re going to slaughter Li Na and laugh as she drowns in her own blood?”

“No,” I said. “She’s a lot like me. She’s lost her way. We’re going to send her somewhere where she can help and not hurt any more of our friends.” I hope.  

“You’re a good daddy,” Bigs finally said. “But I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”

She slimed off, leaving an orange streak on Dong’s head.

I sighed, wiping the goo off Dong. The older man had stopped crying and was just looking at me.

I took another deep breath. We didn’t have time, but at the moment, I didn’t care. “For the first part of this floor,” I began as I pulled a towel from my inventory, “I was happy that we were on rails. That we didn’t have a choice about what we were doing. It was so much easier than before. And even though the danger is just as high, if not higher, it was nice, for a little bit at least, that everything was so simple. Christ, what is this stuff that the sluggalos leak? Why is it so sticky?”

Dong blinked at me, not saying anything. I continued.

“But I quickly realized that it was a trap. This floor is deliberately designed like this. It’s almost like a drain, designed to catch those of us who’ve been spit out of the bottom of Faction Wars and dared to go on. It’s a drain that spins faster and faster the closer you get to the hole, and suddenly you’re just gone, and it’s happened so fast, you don’t even realize until it’s too late.”

“My good sir,” Dong began. “Carl.”

I held up my hand. “I know we don’t have much time, but I need to say this. I’ve been trying to keep you out of this quest, and it’s because I’m scared it’s not going to work, and I’m scared that you’ll mess it up, not because I don’t trust you but because you’re too close to it. The fact that you are in love with this guy is a complication, not an asset. The smart thing to do is to keep you away while we get this done.”

I paused, taking a deep breath.

“But that’s not what we’re going to do. I’m going to have to attempt this Corcunda reunion during the race. I can bring three mercenaries. It’s going to be the fleshmancer guy, Porky here, and you. We’re going to do our best to save your friend.”

Dong sat up, deliberately not looking at Porky, who stood behind me, not saying anything. “Carl, I’m dying. Jefferson said I was a bad investment. And now I am weak, and my health is seeping away. I will not be able to help.”

“Maybe not,” I said. “But I’ll make sure you get to say goodbye to your friend.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “I won’t lie to you. We have to do some awful things to get through this, and oftentimes it’s at the expense of others. Sometimes we can’t take a moment to spare the feelings of a friend because there simply isn’t time. But, if it’s worth anything, I want you to know that I’m sorry I tried to keep you two apart. I’m sorry I’ve been a jerk about it. Survival has more than one meaning. I am trying so, so hard. But sometimes...”

I turned to look at the door leading to the guildhall. Li Na was in there, waiting. Everybody was waiting. I thought of that moment when I’d almost lost my cool and killed Empress D’Nadia on the last floor. Or of the moment when I did slip and lose it when Finley and the others had died.

I thought of the voices in my head, whispering just below the surface, all scrabbling to grab my attention. I thought of the tremor in my hands that I’d been studiously ignoring since Donut’s attack in the tower.

Li Na. Lucia Mar. It would be so easy for that to be me. Hell, it was me. I was no longer standing on the edge. I had already stepped off, and now I was holding on by my fingers, and I was slipping, slipping, slipping.

You will not break me.

You will not.    

Dong patted me on the arm and forced a smile. “Of course, my boy. Of course. I understand. Others don’t think of folks like myself as someone who can have a partner because of what we do. Like I’m unworthy of love when they’re the ones who come to me. It’s like they don’t think we’re real.” He paused. “Do you know why I fell in love with him?”

“Why?”

“There was a fight once, in the Desperado Club. A big battle not unlike the one where you and Katia laid waste to the establishment. This was just after he’d been split. And I was afraid. I was afraid the fighting would spread to the Penis Parade and that we would all die. Corky looked at me, put a hand on my shoulder like you just did and said, ‘Maybe we will die today. But if we do, then we will die together, and that’s more than most people get. There’s no such thing as a sad ending if it’s by the side of the people who make you happy.’”

Samantha was suddenly there floating next to me. “I’m going to steal that line when Carl lets me drive and I make the car crash.”

“Gah,” I cried, surprised at her sudden appearance. “I didn’t hear you come in!”

“Everybody is waiting for you in the other room,” Samantha said. She sniffed around, suspicious. She turned to the other person in the room. “You’re the beautiful man, huh?” She snuffled around his leg. “You’re only half as handsome as I thought you’d be. Why don’t you unzip that thing and really open up to us?”   

“Come on, Samantha. People are waiting.” I stood, patting Dong on the leg. “Rest while you can. Gather your strength. I have to go out there. There’s someone else here you should probably talk to.”

I moved aside, revealing the half mantaur standing behind me, who’d been quietly waiting, listening.

Dong looked up, acknowledging the other presence for the first time.  

“Hello,” Porky said, his voice quiet, sad. “I remember that day, when the club was under siege. I soon left thereafter. I thought running a guild would be safer.”   

Dong looked him up and down. “Good sir, that’s my scarf.”

“I know,” Porky replied, reaching up to touch it. “My other half let me have it when I went off. He said I’d want it, and I told him I was going to throw it out because it was really yours, and he said, ‘no, you won’t.’ And I didn’t.”

There was an awkward moment of silence.

“Why did you hate me?” Dong finally asked.

“Come on, Samantha,” I said, grabbing her out of the air. We needed to leave them their privacy.

“Wait,” she complained. “I want to see what happens next. Deathbed makeup sex is my favorite kind. I’ve had it like three times. Four if you count that incident with Charlie. Do you think you can have makeup sex on a first date?”

“Just stop,” I said as we moved toward the door. “That’s not the half that he was with. That’s the other one.”

 She gasped. “If they do hookup, do you think it would be considered cheating? Like, if you get the two pieces back together, and their mind melds, and suddenly the mantaur guy has this big moral conundrum because he cheated on himself with himself and then...” She paused. “Wait, how you are planning on getting them glued back together?”  

“Come on,” I said, covering her mouth. She started growling and chewing on my hand.  

I moved toward the exit with her struggling form. The cleaner bot was still here, pressed against the common room door, listening to what was going on in there.

I paused, regarding the grumpy, but studious little robot. “You know,” I said. “You take a lot of abuse. I’m sorry for that. If this works out with your friend in there, we’ll be needing you to do the same thing. You’re a goddamned hero, and if I don’t get a chance to say it before we need you, I just want you to know that I appreciate it.”

The robot let out a long beep.