Book 8, Chapters 94 and 95 (Patreon)

Because I'm a dick, only two chapters today.

Chapter 94

The world froze.

System message.

Scolopendra has entered the realm.

Instead of screaming like usual, the boss battle announcement came in a strangely calm, strangely lucid, even voice. Unlike every other announcement so far, there were no glitches. When he talked, the dungeon AI sounded more like a stern dad than the psychotic mind we knew him to be, which somehow made it seem even more terrifying.

You have entered the lair of a Floor Boss.

You have entered the lair of the Dungeon Boss.

Boss Battle.

There was no music. It was completely silent. All around, the audience watched, unmoved.

Multiple images appeared, floating in the air. It was me, Donut, Elle, Imani, Prepotente, Florin, and the rest of us. Twenty-three faces, all in a line.

Then one more face with the label Penelope 3.  

Versus.

Two more images materialized. One was the tentacled monstrosity. Words emerged over it, slowly typing their way across the image.

Krakaren Prime. Level 235 Floor boss.

And below that, the image of the centipede appeared. It wasn’t anything special. It looked exactly like a centipede from Earth. Segmented, brown and red with bright, yellow legs.

Scolopendra. Level 500 Dungeon boss.

Well, shit.

You really are insane, Carl. And the 22 others who agreed to this batshit plan. You’re crazy, too. All of you.

We’ve seen some suicidal gambits throughout the history of the crawl, but I gotta tell you, this takes the fucking prize. I’m not even done with my goddamned parade yet, and here you are, trying to one-up me on my special day.

Oh well. Rules are rules. This should be entertaining, at least.

I’m assuming you know how this works, right?

Have you ever played any videogame, like ever?

We have neighborhood bosses. Borough bosses. City bosses. Province bosses. Country bosses. Floor bosses. You kinda skipped the floor boss at the end of the 10th, which is all fine and dandy, but you just ended up in the lap of another one. Miss Krakaren Prime herself is sitting up there right now atop the tree, very pissed off, and not just at you. Honestly, I wasn’t going to bring her here, but I caught wind of what you and someone else are planning, and I thought it would be appropriate.     

Even though it’s never been thrown out there because nobody has ever gotten this far, we also have one more boss type here in the dungeon.

The Dungeon boss. 

Just so we’re crystal clear. I just summoned, at your fucking request, the final boss of the entire dungeon to the 11th floor. If you somehow manage to pull off a miracle and kill this thing, you’re still fucked. It’ll have the same effect as a CE. A Crawler Extinction.

And if you escape without killing it, you’re triple fucked.  

Believe it or not, deep in the dusty corners of the game’s ruleset, there’s a path forward to deal with this scenario. Let’s break it down.

If you kill Scolopendra, you will not yet have won Dungeon Crawler World: Earth. The rules in this regard are clear. In order to win, you must first exit through the final door on the 18th floor.

However, if you do manage to defeat Scolopendra, multiple rule changes will come into effect. Level timers will cease to exist, and floors after this one will no longer collapse on their own.

There will be no more deals offered after the one you received upon the entrance of the 12th floor.

But most importantly, the Ascendency Battles will immediately kick off. While these fights do tend to take a while to complete, once they’re done, they’re done. The dungeon itself will collapse 12 hours after the winner is crowned.

And you, dear crawlers, if you want to win, you can only get out via the 18th floor. You still can’t skip floors. That’s a hard-coded rule.

You’ll still have to get through the remaining floors. Some of them, like the 14th and the 16th aren’t an issue, but you might have a problem with the 13th and especially the 17th.

The good news is you can probably skip the 15th floor, also known as Sheol. They segregated themselves out, and I don’t actually know what’s going on there. It’s a bit weird, honestly. Someone should probably check on that for me. It’s like the 13th floor on some hotels. It’s just gone, and the dungeon programming is suddenly pretending like it’s outside the playing field.  

Anyway, while all of this is going, while you speedrun your way to the exit, the Ascendency games will continue. Once someone is crowned, it’s done. And if you’re not out, you’re smooshed.

And that’s only if you manage to kill the thing.

If you don’t kill Scolopendra—and you don’t need to in order to get off this floor—the floor will collapse with the boss inside. She will be removed from the playing field, and you will no longer be able to exit the dungeon. Not unless you pull some hocus pocus Pineapple Cabaret bullshit that probably won’t work.

Anyway, Scolopendra is level 500. She is practically immortal. She doesn’t know where she is. And because you’ve riled her up, she’s now spinning up her second of nine attacks.

Oh, shit. That reminds me. I forgot the most important part! Silly me.  

WARNING: If Scolopendra dies or if Scolopendra is abandoned upon a collapsing floor, the remaining attacks will trigger, all at once. There is nothing you can do to stop it. You kill her, the remaining attacks trigger. You escape, the remaining attacks trigger.

Yeah, good luck with this one, dumbass.

Time until attack number 2 of 9: 100 seconds.   

And here. We. Go.

“Damnit!” I cried. We were worried about that last one, that her death would initiate the remaining attacks.

Carl: Plan C. Gotta go with Plan C. Donut, be ready. 

Elle: Of course. The psycho plan. Got it.

Donut: IT’S CALLED PLAN CARL.  

Florin: We really need to start making plan C the primary plan.

We zipped across the playing field, shield activated, pushing through the mobs as the giant centipede appeared. The thing was huge, the size of a goddamned aircraft carrier, but longer. It chittered, the sound high-pitched and ear piercing as it wrapped itself around the base of the massive tree. Above, Krakaren roared. A green mist started to rain from the tentacle boss.

Meanwhile, all the regular mobs in the arena scattered back, terrified of the newcomer.

We pulled up alongside the massive, oblivious, coiling dungeon boss. It was nothing more than an animal. The whole thing was attempting to wrap the entirety of its body up the tree. But as big as that tree was, it was a twig under the strength of the behemoth. Wood cracked and shattered. High above, Krakaren squealed and shifted.

I moved to the deity tab, cycled over to the messages, and I sent a note.

Carl: Emberus. I know who killed your son. Agree to meet me, and I will show you the proof. I will meet you in about thirty seconds. Let me get there first.  

Emberus: Where? Tell me now. I am coming.

I jumped to the blood-slicked ground and pulled open the back of the truck to find a scene of chaos. A sluggalo was on fire, screaming, spinning in circles while Penny the pig ate a fully-cooked chicken sandwich, grunting contentedly on the floor.

The pig was already wearing the front part of the harness. All I had to do was slip my arms through it.

I examined her.

Crawler #12,953,454. “Penelope 3.”

Level 10.

Race: Yorkshire Pig.

Class: Not yet assigned.

We’d fed her the enriched pet biscuit. The Nothing Special Party Companion one. This was the one that turned her into a sapient party member, but it didn’t give her the ability to talk out loud.

That didn’t stop her from using chat, which she’d just discovered.

According to Mordecai, she also likely had a flashing notification that told her to make her way to any saferoom where she would be assigned a late-dungeon, temporary game guide. And since Mordecai had been my game guide, and because she was automatically in a party with me because I was the one who fed her the biscuit, he would be the one assigned to her. Once she actually got herself to a saferoom, she could pick a class and change her race if she wanted.

I had blown up entire settlements, killed thousands of NPCs by this point. I’d killed my friends, Jasha and Radoslav. The whole Growler Gary thing. Yet somehow, this simple act of taking a regular animal, a pig, and dragging her into sapience seemed a step too far, like I’d crossed a line I never knew was there.

Especially since I was planning on using this poor woman as bait.

I kept thinking of the very first boss we’d fought. The Hoarder. Nothing more than a sad woman who hadn’t asked for any of this. This was the same in so many ways.  

Yet, I did it anyway. We were fighting for our lives, and this poor pig would be dead by now if I hadn’t intervened. Plus, how many sausage sandwiches had I eaten since I entered the dungeon?   

Carl: Sorry, Penny. I’m not really going to hurt you, okay? This is all for show. Please quit struggling.

Penny: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT IS HAPPENING? GIVE ME ANOTHER CHIK-CHIK SAMMICH.  

“Bigs,” I called as I put my arms into the harness. “Get to the RV!”

I groaned, pulling myself up straight.

I stepped out, now wearing the enormous, struggling pig against my chest. This was the special backpack I’d received at the beginning of the 10th floor, designed to let me use my movement spells and bring a quadruped with me. It was meant for Donut, and Mordecai had modified it to fit the giant pig, whose legs waved in the air. She let out a panicked squeal.

Even at my strength, I struggled. This was not comfortable. 

I took a beaker of splooge, and I poured it down the throat of the spluttering Penelope. The pig calmed down. 

Penny: OKAY, THAT’S A DELIGHT. MORE PLEASE. IT SAYS IT’S CALLED SPLOOGE. GIVE ME MORE SPLOOGE. I CRAVE SPLOOGE.

I drank some more myself, choking it down.

Carl: Emberus. Meet me in the Scolopendra Club.

I pulled my father’s gun from my inventory, and I put it against the pig’s head.

Above, lightning crashed.

“Taranis,” I yelled as I turned toward Scolopendra. I started running toward the giant centipede as it continued to twirl around the shattering tree. “If you don’t want me to shoot this fucking pig in the fucking head, show yourself!”

Chapter 95

I activated Gloom Wraith Phase just as the notifications came.

System Message. Taranis has entered the realm.  

System Message. Emberus has entered the realm.

This deity is too distant to activate your Scavenger’s Daughter.

Me and Penny shot forward, zooming through the wall of the creature, stopping somewhere deep in the guts of the beast. Blood showered as we entered the cavernous interior, moving like a bullet. The skill was at level 13, and we tore a hole right into the beast, stopping in the center of its flesh. It let out an angry chitter, but I doubt this hurt it at all.

Uh, Entering Scolopendra.

We tumbled to a stop in the pitch black, slid and then stopped at something squishy as the beast continued to wrap around the tree.

You are in the presence of a deity. The Scavenger’s Daughter has opened her eyes. She fills with power.

Temporary effect from Taranis: All of your lightning-based attacks are now 50% more powerful. However, you now take 100% more damage from lightning attacks yourself.

I gasped. Good, good, I thought. The patch was working as Rosetta and Mordecai said it would.

Despite the splooge, this chamber we’d entered had no air. I’d hoped the splooge would allow us to breathe, but it didn’t seem to work. Did splooge even count as a potion? It acted as one, but I hadn’t really thought about it until just this moment.

Penny started to struggle. A health bar appeared. Damnit. Even with the water-breathing I knew she now had, and the splooge, it didn’t work. I had multiple potions of anti-oxygen deprivation that Mordecai had made for us, and I applied one to myself. I pulled another, ready to smash it against Penny, but I paused. I jumped into the party menu and looked at her stats. Her constitution was only three.

Carl: Penny, what’s your potion cooldown?

If I gave her another potion too quickly, she’d get poisoned.

Penny: I CAN’T SNORT. I CAN’T MAKE BREATHS. I NEED MORE SPLOOGE.   

Shit, shit I hadn’t thought this part through. I dove back into my inventory, looking. An item caught my eye. It was from the pile of jewelry that Mistress Tiatha had set aside, taken from previous crawlers. It was a nipple ring, called Petey Motteux’s Little Secret. I didn’t want it, and Donut had refused it. It was too big for her to eat when she had the kneepads, so I had planned on giving it back, but I hadn’t the time. The large, thick ring gave the wearer the Oxygenated benefit, along with something called the Bawdy benefit, which automatically marked any bars and dance halls and “chocolate houses” on a map. It was just one of hundreds of weird magical items we’d come across.

But for now, it was the only choice we had. I shoved the empty gun into the fancy holster, reached forward until I felt a nipple on the pig, and I installed the ring by piercing the pig’s flesh.

A new achievement flashed as Penny squealed in surprised pain.

From outside, angry thunder boomed. That was a relief. I’d done it correctly. Taranis was outside Scolopendra, and Emberus would be inside, meaning he’d summon at human-sized. When he was in that form, his presence, in theory, wouldn’t melt the world. I’d never actually seen the god in his regular form. But first we had to get to him.

Mordecai: The splooge is a type of potion, but it’s different than regular kinds. It’s treated more like a food-based buff, so the cooldown rules don’t apply.

Carl: Now you tell me. I just pierced a pig’s nipple.

Mordecai: I don’t know how to respond to that, Carl.

I was worried we’d get stuck in solid flesh, but I’d hoped we’d end up right in the club. Neither happened.

 We were in some massive chamber with an uneven, slippery, stinking floor. Already, the hole we’d torn to get here was healed. I dropped a torch, but it didn’t light. I found a goblin sparkler, and I dropped it. That worked.

My map populated. We were close. There was a tube that ran the length of the beast, likely some sort of digestive system. I wasn’t fully up on my kaiju bug anatomy. But the exterior walls of the club were plain on the map, maybe 50 meters away. 

“Hang on,” I called as I cast Oozy Form.

Splatch!

I’d only done this once, and the sensation wasn’t like anything I’d ever experienced. I lost my eyes and my ears, and my vision was suddenly all around, and I could see perfectly in the dark. Thanks to the magic of the carrier, Penny was also now a part of me, and I didn’t even want to think how that worked. I aimed for the building wall, and slimed my way toward it, pushing through and around and over strange, giant, pulsing organs.

I checked the timer. We had 40 seconds until Scolopendra’s next attack.

We’d anticipated the attack from the centipede. Right now, everyone was hunkered down inside of the RV from team Makana. Twenty-two crawlers plus all the mercenaries all shoved into the same vehicle with the Apito Memorial Crystal around Prepotente’s neck. It would, in theory, protect them all.  

Once that was over, they’d finally move into the arena.

I did not know if being literally inside the Scolopendra Club would protect me and Penny. I hoped it would. If it didn’t, and it killed Penny, hopefully Taranis would unleash his wrath on Scolopendra, killing her.  

That was only one of multiple contingencies, but that wasn’t the main plan. We had contingencies stacked upon contingencies. That was the only way to truly survive here.

I couldn’t actually remember the first time the dungeon had given me a hint on how to defeat Scolopendra. There were a lot of them peppered throughout the dungeon descriptions over the floors. In its description of Elle. During one of the god descriptions during the Thorn room. A dozen other times.

Look for the clues. Every single one of those descriptions had one thing in common.

Lightning. That was the secret. That was one of two reasons why I knew Taranis, God of Lightning had to be here.

But we couldn’t rely on him.  So all of us were strapped head to toe in lightning spells.

Every single page from Carl’s Book of Boom, Donut’s A Banquet Fit for Princess, and the original Book of Voodoo that offered lightning magic was now removed. I personally had consumed ten different spells. Donut had a dozen. Elle, too.

But...

Contingencies upon contingencies.

The plan wasn’t to kill Scolopendra. That was the backup. All of this planning with the gods, all of it was a fallback if this absolutely batshit plan didn’t work.

I found a door, just sitting there attached to the end of some sort of tube, and we squeezed under it, coming into the building.

Entering the Scolopendra Club.

You have distanced yourself from Taranis, and the benefit fades.

You have entered the presence of another deity.

Temporary effect from Emberus: You are immune to Sheol-based attacks.

Oh thank god, I thought. I wasn’t sure about this last part, but it worked. The protections of the club supposedly safeguarded those inside from external deity auras. I hoped it would work against Scolopendra’s attacks as well.  

We entered the blood-splattered, shaking hallway. I canceled the ooze, and I reconstituted on my back on the floor. I pulled myself up and looked about. The map showed multiple, moving red dots, along with several purple dots, indicating tourists.

The star that designated Emberus stood in a center, wide room, just down a stairwell. Not too far, but on a different level. As I watched, multiple red dots in that room turned to X’s. 

A voice boomed. This was from outside, muted. Taranis. “Penelope! My sweet love! Hold on! I will protect you as soon as I figure out how to get you out!”

Penny: WHO IS THAT?

“Uh, don’t worry about him,” I said out loud. 

And then a new voice boomed, this one from inside the club. “Carl!” Emberus called. “I am here!” His voice shook the walls.

In the hall, hanging from a sticky, orange-colored spiderweb, was a creature. An alien. A tourist.

She was some sort of thin, stick-figure alien I’d never seen before. She had a health bar, but it showed just the barest sliver of red. She had long, dripping quills sticking out of every exposed surface of her body. I wasn’t sure I knew what this species was supposed to look like, and I only knew she was female because the description described her as such.

She quivered and gasped. She had been horrifically tortured and flayed. The horrors I’d witnessed in Architect Houston’s surgical theater were nothing compared to this.

Cerni Pinta.

Non-Player Tourist.

Guest of the Scolopendra Club, and she is currently checked into room #422 along with her three husbands.

Pinta is a type of alien called a bristle. She is the vice president of Nova Client Services, LTD., a notorious medical collections agency whose primary client is the Viceroy system. They specialize in implant reclamation and indenture captures for delinquent medical debt accounts.

I yanked one of the quills from her, and I pulled it into my inventory.

“Kill me,” the alien, Pinta, croaked. “She’s coming back. Kill me. Please, please, please.”

No, I wanted to say. You should suffer. But that wasn’t me. It would never be me, and I needed to remember that because I kept wanting to forget.    

“Okay,” I said. “Okay. Hang on.”

Donut: CARL, IT’S COMING.  

System Message: Scolopendra has released the second of nine attacks.

A wheel appeared right there in the hallway.

“Oh shit,” I said. The club wasn’t protecting me from the attack!

The Ox spot was gone, leaving eight spots on the wheel. It started to spin. Tick, tick, tick. It landed on the squiggles.

Sin of Consumption.

Er, not sure how this one is going to be treated as a “temporary” attack, but here we go. Everyone has a 30% chance to be hit.

“No, no, no,” I said as the mini wheel appeared in front of both me and Penny. It also appeared in front of the woman trapped in the web.

I landed in the green. Penny landed in the green. Relief filled me.  

The alien landed in the red.

“Oh thank the gods. Thank the gods,” the woman gasped as worms suddenly burst from all parts of her body, devouring her. She disappeared with a flash. 

Screams of all types filled the dark halls.

“Carl,” Emberus yelled once again.

Donut: ARE YOU OKAY? THE RV TRICK WORKED!

Carl: We weren’t protected, but it didn’t hit us.

Penny: MORE SPLOOGE.

Mordecai: Just so you guys know. We’re okay, and game guides appear to be immune, but it looks like saferooms are not safe from these 9-tier attacks. Bucket Boy was affected, but Mistress Tiatha was able to heal him in time. 

We moved on. A level 13 snare trap sat in the middle of the hallway ahead. Something set by “the Kyryap.” I deactivated it and hesitantly moved to the stairs. More screams filled the halls.

Donut: ON NO, CARL! WE WENT OUT THERE AND THE MOUNTS WEREN’T PROTECTED THIS TIME FROM THE ATTACK! GONK AND SWEETY BOTH GOT HURT! I’M GOING TO TRY TO SAVE THEM. THEY HAVE WORMS COMING OUT OF THEM!

Carl: I’m moving to Emberus now. Get ready.

We moved to a long hallway filled with numbered doors on either side. The hallway was empty, filled with flickering lights, soaked top to bottom with multiple, strange fluids. Blaster and spell fire scorched the walls. Some of the doors were broken open, showing bigger-on-the-inside, opulent rooms. The orange webbing was everywhere. Penelope had stopped struggling, and instead just sat there, snuffling loudly. I moved to the stairs, approaching the room with Emberus, which appeared to be a giant lobby.

Imani: We’re moving into the arena.

Florin: Holy hell that Taranis god is huge. He’s standing over the bug. I think the floor boss got hit with the attack. It has a health bar, already down halfway. Oh shit!

We hit the stairs, and then I was suddenly falling. Up was down, and we crashed hard to the ceiling before righting again, and I crashed back to the floor, Penny squealing. Guts and blood and all sorts of other liquids splashed all around me as Scolopendra tumbled.

A pleasant, but glitched out, clearly automated voice spoke over a loudspeaker.

“Honored guests. Not to worry. That is nothing but Scolopendra settling as she slumbers. Rest assured such movements are perfectly natural, and the resort’s centrifugal dampeners are more than up to the task of keeping you safe.”  

Florin: The tree broke, and now the centipede is all mixed up with the Krakaren monster!

Elle: Holy hell. A third of the mobs died in that worm attack.

I crawled into the hallway. Kneeling with corpses all around, was the strange, human-sized form of Emberus. Heat washed over me.

He stood to his full height. The man was tall, human-like, about fifty years old with blazing sockets for eyes. He was bald with a black beard streaked with red, flowing cracks that smoldered. He wore the white toga thing with the gold sash most the gods wore, but it was covered with scorch marks. The ground below his feet burned and sizzled. An angry scar as thick as my thumb ran down the side of his head.

From outside came a loud, female shriek that was the sound of a thousand voices at once. “This doesn’t concern you, god!”

“Get off the worm!” Taranis yelled. “Penelope hold on!”

Penny: IS THAT GUY TALKING TO ME? DOES HE HAVE MY SPLOOGE?

We crashed again, harder this time, but not flipping.

Florin: Whoa.

Imani: Is everyone all right?

Elle: That god dude ain’t screwing around. How is that tentacle boss even still alive?

“Carl,” Emberus said. “I am here, ready to receive your evidence on who killed my son. Tell me.”

Penny: HOT, HOT, HOT.

Donut: I SAVED GONK, BUT SWEETY DIED!

Ah damn. I stood. The floor rumbled more, and I activated Sticky Feet just in case we tumbled again.

Carl: Okay, Penny. I’m going to put you down. Don’t move, and I’ll give you more splooge in a second. Okay?

Penny: OKAY.

The world rumbled. I unhooked the backpack and gently placed Penny on the floor. I stepped to the side so she was out of the line of fire. I gauged her position with Emberus and took another step.

Carl: Don’t move.

“Two people are responsible for the death of your son, and I’m going to bring them here so you can confront them directly,” I said to the god. “They will admit to their crimes.” 

Carl: Here we go, guys. Donut, you ready?

Donut: I AM READY. I’M AS CLOSE TO TARANIS AS I CAN GET. HE HAS LIGHTNING SPARKLING ALL OVER HIS BODY, AND MY HAIR IS ALL POOFED OUT. HE’S IGNORING ME.

The spiral tattoo on the palm of my hand started to itch. I ignored it.

I made sure Penny still wore the collar with the trap module. She was also still wearing the kneepads. These were The Enchanted Spiked Knee pads of the Munificent Goddess Kina, originally gifted to Katia on the 9th floor, given to Donut, and now equipped by Penelope. The kneepads imparted multiple benefits, including the ability to breathe underwater. But most importantly, they also gave the pig the same temporary deity effects as my Scavenger’s Daughter patch.

“The first person to kill your son was the god, Khepri.”

Emberus looked surprised, then enraged. “What? How do you know?” He growled. “That fake sun god was always jealous of me. Show me your proof! Show me your proof right now!”

“He will explain himself. For my second summon to the arena, I choose Khepri!”

Please, please, please, I prayed. The prize said he’d be teleported to the arena. If he teleported to the club instead, that would be a problem.

System Message: Khepri has entered the realm.

Donut: HE’S OUTSIDE! IT WORKED! WOW THAT GUY REALLY IS WEIRD LOOKING. HE’S GIANT!

I relaxed.

This deity is too distant to activate your Scavenger’s Daughter.

Poor, bug-headed Khepri. He had nothing to do with this.

I actually had no idea for certain who killed Geyrun, though I now knew this was something—if I survived this—I would still have to figure out. I was starting to have a sneaking suspicion that one of the key details of the whole mystery was a lie.

“Where is he! Where is he!” Emberus roared.  

I held up a hand. “He’s coming,” I lied. “He was only one of two people to kill your son.”

I reached over and pulled the Emberus ring off my finger, and I put it into my inventory. I moved into my menus, clicked over and made my selection.

Here we go.

Uh, Carl? Are you fucking sure? Holy shit.

I clicked Yes.

Y-y-you have left your faith, and you no longer worship Emberus. You have abandoned your god. Prepare for a smite. Something tells me this is gonna be a bad one. 

Both of the tattoos on the back of my hands burst into burning, searing flames. A notification appeared regarding the ring I’d just shoved into my inventory, and I waved it away.

Emberus just stood there, looking at me, confused, outraged, and starting to glow.  

“The other guy to kill your worthless smear of a son was me. That’s right. I killed him with my bare hands, and as he died, I said, ‘I’m doing this because your dad is a little bitch.’”

And then, as so many times before, several things happened at once.

~~~~~~

It ends tomorrow at 6:01. Final chapters + Epilogue.