Chapters 48 and 49 (Patreon)

Quick note. Based on some feedback, I've rewritten how the end of chapter 48 plays out. If you've already read it, you should probably re-read the end of the Odette section and then the last few paragraphs of 48. Basically, I originally had the plan as an Odette/Donut thing, but now Carl is in on it. It makes more sense this way. Sorry about the retcon.   

Part Three 

Chapter 48

“You do realize that thing is going to get you killed, right?” Odette asked after the conclusion of her show. Donut was currently chasing Mongo around the studio. The little dinosaur kept running head-first into the invisible wall and screaming. Lexis, Odette’s production assistant, had given the small monster a bow tie to wear on the show, and he’d practically bitten off her finger. The tie lasted about three seconds before he’d ripped it off. 

The taping had gone well. We started off by discussing the whole thing with the rage elemental. Then we talked about Mongo. Donut had trained him to stand quietly on her shoulder, and he’d mostly behaved himself. Mostly. Odette mentioned something about a magical pet carrier, which apparently was the dungeon’s equivalent of a pokeball. They were supposedly expensive, but it allowed us to put bonded pets into inventory without harming them. I didn’t care how much they cost. If we could afford it, it was going to be one of our first purchases. No more shoving Mongo into the gerbil cage and then sticking him in the bathroom so we couldn’t hear his shrieks while we slept. 

I knew what was coming next. 

After the segment on Mongo, I finally got to see a shortened version of the infamous Pork Boy Snick. Donut thought it was hilarious. The mysterious creator of the video had been very… generous… with my proportions. I’d been half-expecting the video to feature my feet prominently. I didn’t dare say it out loud, but I had this strange notion that the system AI might’ve had something to do with the video. But if it did, the video showed nothing to indicate it. In fact, it had clearly been produced by someone more interested in the Maestro than me, as he was the obvious subject of the video. 

“So,” Odette had said after we watched the scene and the audience’s uproarious laughter eased. “You are likely unaware of this, but Death Watch Extreme Dungeon Mayhem announced earlier that it was going into hiatus while the show restructured.” 

“I’m shocked,” Donut said. “Quite shocked.” 

The audience laughed. 

“King Rust of the Skull Empire, who recently arrived in earth orbit, has been oddly quiet about the controversy. A spokesperson for the royal family has requested people stop referring to the prince as ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie,’” The audience roared, “But so far, nobody seems to be complying.” Odette turned to her audience. With her bug helmet, her face was expressionless, but I could hear the grin in her voice. “I would personally like to assure King Rust that I would never call Prince Maestro ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie’ or ‘Pork Boy.’ And I would like to encourage my audience to never sink to that level. Again, it’s ‘Prince Maestro’ and not,” she held her hands out.

“Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie!” the audience shouted, followed by peals of laughter. 

“Anyway,” Odette said. “What do you think about this, Carl?” 

“Look,” I said. “I don’t know anything about the Skull Clan or Empire or whatever, or this King guy. I’m sure he has a perfectly nice family and kingdom.” The audience laughed. “I don’t want any trouble with him and his people. But his son is a dick, and I called him out on it. Nothing more, and nothing less. I didn’t mean to cause an intergalactic incident. I know nothing about the video.”

“So, to be clear, it is a snick,” Odette asked. “A lot of people seem to believe it’s real.” 

“If I was going to turn gay, it wouldn’t be with that guy.” 

That audience screamed. Odette nodded. “But you did challenge him to single battle.” 

“Yes, I did. And that offer still stands,” I said. “I still don’t know how any of this stuff works because you guys won’t tell me anything.” More laughter. “But I hope for the chance to face him one on one.” 

“We do too, don’t we?” Odette said. 

The audience cheered. Someone shouted, “Glurp, glurp!” A minute later the whole audience was glurping. 

Odette shook her head in mock disgust.

The show soon ended after that. Like last time, Odette ushered Lexis out of the room so we could talk for a few minutes. 

“Is it worth it,” I asked, indicating the pet. “If he lives, I mean.” 

“You should’ve picked the Tummy Acher,” Odette said. “The little round guy with the mohawk. They’re very friendly and easy to work with. Plus they’re rare, and people love them. Once they’re full grown, they are one of the best melee tanks in the game. But your Mongo is a solid choice. If you can keep him alive, he will be a vicious fighter.” 

“So,” I said. “I gave your message to Mordecai. He wasn’t too pleased with the idea of working for you.” 

She nodded sadly. “I saw. I watched you tell him. He had a few additional choice words for me after you left. He’ll come around. Tell him I understand his feelings on the matter, and I would love for the opportunity to explain myself.” 

“What happened between you two?” I asked. 

“We don’t have time to go into it,” Odette said. “But the short answer is I pushed him too hard, and he paid dearly for it. Anyway, you’re about to hit the all-important third floor.” She’d asked me on air if I knew what I was going to do, and I’d answered truthfully. I had no idea what was going to happen. Donut had lied and said she had it all planned out. “Do you really not know what you’re going to do?” 

“I don’t even know what my choices are going to be,” I said. “How can I decide?” 

She nodded. “When I decided to stay human, it lost me several viewers, but not too many. You’re in a tough position. Whatever you choose, make sure it has either a pathfinder skill or some sort of advanced mapping ability. Finding stairwells as quickly as possible will be crucial on further floors. It’s not going to be a problem on this third floor. Also,” she added. “Make sure Donut goes first. That way you can tailor your class selection on hers. I would ignore the AI’s advice for your race, but I’d take a careful look at whatever it suggests for your class.”  

“Hey,” I said. “Do you know anything about the Valtay Corporation?” 

She paused, cocking her head to the side. “Where did you hear about them?” 

I shrugged. “Just curious. I heard it somewhere.” 

She smiled, but without humor. “Be careful. If they are somehow contacting you or trying to get to you, be very cautious. They’re a corporate system government, and they’re the ones who currently have an entire fleet parked outside of the Borant system, ready to collect on the debt. They were hours away from initiating a full-scale collection action when the Kua-Tin stopped them in their tracks by starting the season early. They’re one of the most powerful entities in the universe. The next season is going to be run by them.” 

“Are they human?” I asked. I thought of Agatha. Was she one of these aliens? The idea seemed absurd. 

“No,” she said. “Not usually. They’re a parasitic lifeform. They do utilize human bodies, but their homeworld is aquatic, and they much prefer water-based hosts, such as the Kua-Tin or the Gleeners. They’re known for their technological advancements. Their version of Dungeon Crawler World is less goblins and trolls and more android death machines and pulse rifles. 

I contemplated telling her about Agatha, but I decided against it. I decided it would be best to just stay away from the woman the best I could. 

Mongo pounced and chomped directly onto Donut’s tail. She howled and started running in circles with Mongo still attached. 

Odette shook her head. “You’re gonna want to level that thing up as soon as you can. But make sure Donut has proper control over him first. Those little nibbles and nose chomps are cute now. They won’t be so adorable when he’s full-grown.” 

“Do you know how big he gets?” 

“You honestly don’t know what he is?” Odette asked. “He’s a pretty common creature across the universe. They always seed the human world with those guys and the others before the humans develop. Most human kids love these things.”  

“He’s a dinosaur of some sort. I know that much.” 

“He’s a dinosaur all right. Mongoliensis.” Her eyes flashed, in a similar way that Mordecai’s did when he was searching through his menus. “Ahh, I see,” she said after a moment. “The issue is the translation. ‘Mongoliensis’ is based off the scientific name. Your language had a more a common name for those things.” 

The little chicken jumped up on Donut’s back and squawked. 

“You called them velociraptors.” 

“What?” I returned my gaze to the little monster. I’d been thrown off by the pink feathers and the beak. But now that she said it, I could see the monstrosity Mongo would soon become.  

“I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” 

“Oh hell,” I finally said. 

She laughed.

Donut came up to us, breathless. “Carl, is it time to go yet?” 

“There’s one last piece of advice I’d like to give,” Odette said, looking at the both of us. She paused, as if uncertain about what she was about to say. She’d changed on a dime, suddenly looking different, almost sad. “It’s just a suggestion. I don’t know if, morally, this is a good idea or not, but this will greatly increase your chances of survival. It’s something to look for during class selection. It’s generally only offered to crawlers with a high charisma, so if it’s available, it’ll be hidden somewhere amongst Donut’s choices. The problem is, if you pick it, it’s going to make someone very angry.”  

~

Welcome, Crawler to the third floor.

The previous level will collapse in 3 hours and 35 minutes. 

We teleported straight from the green room to a long, golden hallway reminiscent of the first hallway we entered. 

“Carl, look! We’re outside!” Donut said, looking up into the air. 

Sure enough, a dark sky rose above us, dotted with stars. A colorful nebula, reminiscent of the background image on Odette’s stage covered the sky. 

The air still felt stale. I pulled my slingshot, aimed it at the stars, and I fired. 

Plink. Sure enough, the rock bounced off the ceiling, about 25 feet up. 

“It’s an illusion,” I said. “It’s like that mall in Las Vegas. They make it look like you’re outside, but you’re really not.” 

“Well that’s disappointing,” Donut said. 

The walls and the ground were made of golden-colored bricks. A plush, red carpet led to a familiar door at the end of the hallway. As we approached, the door opened on its own. A tall figure stepped out, and all three of us stopped.  

A well-built, young and disgustingly handsome man wearing a tuxedo waited for us. His skin was a dusky gray, and he had a short pair of devil horns jutting from his forehead. The man stood about my height, and he had long, gray and black hair that was held back in a ponytail. A barbed tail poked from the rear of his tuxedo. A pair of black, bat-like wings sat folded tightly against his back. 

“Hello, Mordecai,” I said, examining his new form. “Jesus, dude. Looking good.” 

“Wow,” Donut said, looking him up and down. “I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers.” 

Even Mongo’s customary screech sounded as if he was in awe.    

Mordecai – Incubus. Level 50. 

Guildmaster of this guildhall. 

This is a Non-Combatant NPC. 

Also known as the Gigachad of the undercity, Incubi are the male counterparts of the infamous Succubus. The smooth, seductive, and ultimately deadly Incubus can be identified by his stunning good looks, exquisite charm, and sensuous feet. They can only be found on the urban levels of the dungeon. They give new meaning to the phrase, “hit it and quit it.”   

“Princess Donut, Carl, little Mongo, welcome to the third floor. The training levels have concluded. Now the games may truly begin,” Mordecai said, bowing slightly. Even his voice had gotten deeper. He indicated for us to enter. 

We walked inside, and the door closed behind us. 

“Training levels?” I said. “For fuck’s sake. You call those training levels?” 

“Oh thank goodness,” Mordecai said once the door closed. He ripped the jacket off and pulled off the tie, unbuttoning the top three buttons. “I thought you two were never going to show up. I’ve been in this thing for three hours waiting for you. I hate formal wear.” 

“The interview ran long,” I said. “I take it the general public can’t watch this part?” 

“Nope,” he said. “They’ll watch you go in, and they’ll watch you come out, but they don’t get to see what’s going on inside. It’s like a jury room.” 

His room was exactly the same as it had always been, but he’d cleaned up even further. A pair of beds had magically appeared since the last time we’d been in here. 

“Those are for the transformation, if required,” he said. “Remember what happened with Donut when she took that enhanced pet biscuit?” 

I swallowed, remembering the weird, gooey blob thing she’d transformed into before. 

“So,” Mordecai said. “Have you decided who wants to go first? I suggest Princess…” 

“Me,” Donut said, jumping up on one of the beds. “Let’s get this rolling.” 

“Okay, Carl, take a seat,” Mordecai said. I sat in one of the chairs. Mongo jumped on my lamp and squeaked, sounding concerned. 

“Mommy will be okay,” Donut said. “You hang out with Uncle Carl for a few minutes while I get some work done. Behave yourself.” 

The baby velociraptor settled into my lap. I suddenly felt uncomfortable having that many teeth so close to my crotch. If he bit me now, I didn’t know what was going to happen. I suspected he wouldn’t teleport away. Instead, he’d get frozen like Frank and Maggie had that one time. Hopefully I wouldn’t find out.

“Okay,” Mordecai said. He waved his hand, and a screen appeared floating in the air, like we were on Odette’s show. “Your current race is ‘cat.’ This is a list of all the available races you may choose. It looks like you’ve been given 323 different choices. It is in alphabetical order, and you may click on any of them to drill down to a very specific set of details. Also, the system AI has narrowed it down to a set of three recommendations. We will spend the next hour or so going over these choices, and then I will…”

“I choose cat. Next.”

Mordecai took a deep breath. “Donut, there are a few choices on here where you’ll actually look mostly…” 

“Cat. Final answer. Let’s move on.” 

Mordecai looked at me. I shrugged. She’d made it clear from the start that she wasn’t going to change. I was just happy she’d dropped the idea of me turning into a cat also. 

“Okay, then,” he said. “A message will pop up, and you have to confirm your choice by clicking on it.” 

“Wait,” I said, a horrific thought coming to me. “It’s not going to, you know, change her back to the way she was before is it?” 

“Too late,” Donut said. She glowed for a moment. “I clicked it.” She looked at her paw. “I feel the same.” 

“No,” Mordecai said. He looked pointedly at Donut. “But it is important to ask questions like that. I made it so she actually chose to not make a choice. Nothing will change, but she will now have access to a few racial benefits she didn’t have before.” 

“Benefits? What are they?” Donut asked. 

“I don’t know, Princess Donut,” Mordecai said, sounding exasperated. “We never got to examine the cat choice in the menu. You’ll be able to see when we’re done. And you wouldn’t have changed yet anyway. The change doesn’t happen until the end of the process.”

“Okay, Donut,” I said. “We need to think carefully about this next choice. Let’s see what the AI suggests. Okay?” 

“Let’s do this,” she said. “Show me anything with the word princess or queen in the title.” 

“Okay, moving on,” Mordecai said. A list of items appeared on the screen, though the list appeared to be much shorter than the last one.

Mordecai paused, his eyes flashing as he quickly looked over the list. “Okay, Princess Donut. It looks as if you’ve been given 34 class choices. That’s a pretty short list. In fact, it’s the shortest I’ve ever seen, but I think that’s a combination of your racial choice and a result of your stats. Your base constitution is still two, and that’s awfully low.” He again searched through his unseen menus. “Oh, I see now. It’s actually a combination of four things. You both also have that Desperado pass, which precludes about several of the classes right off the bat. And Donut has that tiara on her head, which narrows it even further. But that’s all right, there are still a few great choices on there.” 

“So what’s good?” Donut asked, looking at the list. “Ohh, that one sounds cool. It sounds menacing yet mysterious and fun. I pick that one.” 

“Wait,” I said, jumping to my feet. I caught the now-asleep Mongo in the crook of my arm and rushed to the screen. “Do not pick anything yet until we’ve looked it over carefully.” 

Donut pointed at something entitled NecroBard. 

Mordecai grunted. “That’s actually not a bad choice. It’s one of the three recommendations. 

I looked over the list. The only base classes available to her were Bard, Magic User, and Barbarian. Each of the base classes had a few additional items under them, including Necromancer, Wind Mage, and Warlock. The NecroBard subclass was listed under both Bard and Necromancer. There was also an Earth Class heading, and the majority of the available items were listed under there. Included on that list were several interesting items, including Feral Cat Berserker, Animal Test Subject, and Roller Derby Jammer. 

I looked at the list of the three AI-picked recommendations. They were:

Artist Alley Mogul 

NecroBard

And 

Former Child Actor

I said a silent thank you to the game gods that they hadn’t named the roller derby one “Derby Queen.” She probably would’ve insisted upon picking it without reading anything. We’d discussed this, and we had a loose plan based on Odette’s advice. But Donut was also prone to go off the rails from time to time.

“Donut,” I said. “Click on each of the three recommendations so we can see the information.” 

“I’m telling you right now I am absolutely not choosing this one,” Donut said as she clicked on the first choice. 

Artist Alley Mogul

This Charisma and Intelligence-based class is the modern-day merchant. Using your superior artistic talent to entertain and entice fellow nerds, the Artist Alley Mogul travels the world to sell her copyright-infringing wares. While not particularly menacing physically, this plucky merchant is extremely difficult to hurt. Members of this class receive the following benefits:

+5 Dexterity 

Instant access to the level-5 Shield spell. 

A 25% discount at all stores plus a 15% bonus to money earned from sales.

10% Interest earned on all coins upon descent to the next level. 

Level-5 Pathfinder skill

Access to Enhanced Dodge, which allows the Dodge skill to train to level 20.

Level-5 Dodge skill. (Already obtained) 

Additional subclasses become available on the sixth floor.

This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.

Mordecai grunted. “That incentive is a little weak compared to what they usually do. It’s usually a gold box and a couple stat points.” 

“I’m not surprised,” I muttered. My eyes immediately focused on that Pathfinder skill. Odette had said I needed to find something with that skill. 

“Still,” Mordecai said. “This is a very good choice for her. If she can get Dodge over level 15, she will be almost impossible to hit. And a 25% discount at stores is great, too. That’ll be on top of the bonus she already gets from her charisma. Stuff will be half-price for her, and that’s a huge deal. But most importantly, you’d have access to the Pathfinder skill. It’ll make finding stairwells, shops, and guilds much easier.”

“Yeah, no,” Donut said. “Artist Alley? Really? Aren’t those the nerds that like Star Wars and draw pictures of cats dressed like the guys from A-Team and stuff?” She shuddered. 

“It’s a good choice,” I said. “Let’s look at the other two.” 

NecroBard

This unusual class combines one of the most-loved occupations with one of the most reviled. Necromancers specialize in magic related to raising the dead. Bards must choose an entertainment-based skill. Depending on this choice, whether it be singing, the kazoo, or storytelling, the resulting crawler will use this skill to either entertain, protect, or glamour both the living and the dead. 

The NecroBard receives the following benefits: 

Instant access to a level-5 entertainment-based skill of their choice. 

Access to all membership-based clubs, regardless of current memberships. 

Free rooms at all saferooms.  

A 10% mana cost penalty on all non-Necromancer or Bard spells. 

Instant access to the Level-3 Turn Undead Spell. 

Instant access to the Level-3 Panty Dropper Spell.

+5 to Constitution, Charisma, and Intelligence.  

-2 Strength

Additional benefits depending on entertainment-based skill choice.      

“So help me god,” I said. “I will abandon you right here and right now if you choose to take up the kazoo.” 

“I could play an instrument,” Donut said, voice full of wonder. “I could be a singer!” 

“We want to keep viewers, remember?” I said. 

“What this description doesn’t say is that a lot of the necromancer spells will be cast with her instrument,” Mordecai said. “And that means she won’t have to use spell points to cast them. That’s pretty huge. Plus each instrument has a long list of additional benefits. This is a solid choice if you end up picking a DPS class. Something that does a lot of damage. She’ll have a wide range of both protection and other support skills.” 

“Carl, look! I could get a harmonica!” Donut said. She’d pulled up the submenu of entertainment skills. She gasped. “Bongos. They have bongos, Carl.”   

“Harmonica? How would that even work?” I said. “You don’t have thumbs.”

“You don’t need thumbs for the harmonica, Carl. Not if I get one of those neck thingies.”

I had a quick vision of tiny Zev attempting to strangle me after I allowed Donut to take up a ridiculous instrument. “Please, let’s just look at that third choice.”   

Former Child Actor

This rare subclass is an offshoot of the Character Actor class. It can only be obtained by Crawlers who have both received the “Cut!” achievement and have obtained at least one trillion views.

Once a superstar, then addicted to drugs, you have crawled back from the brink stronger than ever. You are ready for your comeback. This Charisma and Chance-based class could go either way. You’ll either rise to the top, or you’ll be dead in a ditch in a week. 

This unique Earth class is based on the Bard/Rogue Jack-Of-All-Trades subclass, but with a few distinctive differences. 

In addition to the following benefits, the most distinct aspect of this multi-faceted class is the Level-3 Character Actor skill. This skill increases in level only upon descent to the next floor.  

Additional benefits: 

Immunity to all poisons and diseases. 

Level-5 Cockroach skill.

+10 to Charisma. 

+15% faster growth in all Charisma-based skills. 

The Manager Benefit. 

This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.

I watched Donut’s eyes get huge upon reading this one. 

“What the hell is the Character Actor skill? Or the Cockroach skill?” I asked. “And what was the ‘Cut!’ achievement? I don’t remember that one.” 

“I got it for being a good actress,” Donut said. “When we tricked the goblin shamankas.” 

“Okay, but it doesn’t explain what the character actor part means. Mordecai?”  

Mordecai didn’t say anything for several moments. His lip was curled in displeasure. On that incubus face of his, it looked downright menacing. 

“What?” he said. “Oh, so Character Actor. It’s a bit complicated. Basically every floor, Donut has to pick a specialty.”  

“Specialty?” I asked. 

“She can basically pick a new class each floor. Each floor from now on will have a theme. So it would be somewhat useful. If it’s a floor filled with ice monsters, she can pick a fire class, and so forth. But it’s also a chance-based skill. So if she chooses it, and then she chooses a fire mage, the system AI basically rolls the dice and decides how many fire mage spells and skills to give to her. And as soon as she’s done with the floor, she loses the skills and starts over. Each higher level of the Character Actor skill, however, gives better skills. It makes it so she is pretty weak for the early levels, but once you get higher, it can be quite powerful depending on her class choices.”  

“I don’t think I like that,” I said. “It leaves too much to chance. What about her existing skills, like Magic Missile and the like?” 

“Those are untouched. But if she chooses a class that has a penalty for those skills or spells, they will apply. For example, if she chooses a Necromancer specialty, that Magic Missile spell will cost 10% more to cast, but just for the length of that floor. Or if she chooses Warlock, her constitution will go down one point for the length of that floor.”

I liked that she would be immune to poison and diseases. “What’s the cockroach skill?” 

“Basically, it gives a chance to survive a fatal attack. At level five she’s guaranteed one free lethal hit a fight, though she’d be near death afterward. At level ten, your health doesn’t go down at all after the first fatal strike. The problem is, the only way to train that skill is by using it. Or with potions, but that can get expensive.” 

“I like it,” Donut said. “If I pick it, then I can just choose NecroBard as my specialty every floor, but pick a different instrument every time. Wouldn’t that be neat? It’s the best of both worlds!”

“Not necessarily, Donut,” I said. “If you get a bad roll from the AI, you might get stuck with underpowered skills and spells until the next floor.” 

“Exactly,” Mordecai said. 

“Let’s spend some time looking at the other choices,” I said. “But of the three, I think I like the Artist Alley one the best.” 

“I agree,” Mordecai said. “I think the NecroBard might be better. But you’re right, Carl. It’s a… dangerous choice for your social numbers.” 

We some time going over the other choices, carefully looking at all the abilities. The Feral Cat Berserker was basically a barbarian that’d end up getting her killed immediately thanks to her low health, and the Animal Test Subject was a mage that specialized in using poison. It also caused the crawler to glow green. Warlock was a solid choice in terms of skills, but it caused her to lose one point of Constitution, which would make her just too fragile. The others used mostly melee-based attacks and weren’t really suitable.

I took a deep breath. “Donut, I know you’re not excited about it. But I really think you should go with the Artist Alley Mogul class. It’s not perfect, but it’s the most well-rounded.”

“Okay,” she said. 

I exchanged a look with Mordecai to see if he was buying it. He appeared skeptical. “Really?” I said. 

She approximated a shrug. “We gotta do what’s best for the team, right? You want me to be a nerd, I’ll be a nerd.” 

DONUT: CARL ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? HE IS GOING TO BE REALLY MAD.

Carl: Do it. 

“Okay, then,” Mordecai said. “The menu is going to pop up now, and you have to scroll down and choose it.” 

Donut glowed for a moment. A moment later, she glowed again. “Done. I am now a stupid Artist Alley Mogul.” 

“Goddamnit, Donut!” Mordecai cried. “God fucking damnit!” 

“And scene,” Donut said, waving her paw.

“Whoa,” I said. Mongo stirred in my arms. “What’s happening?” 

“Mordecai dear, that’s Carl’s line. You should pick something else. Carl, he’s upset because I chose the Former Child Actor class. I was acting! Isn’t it great?”

“That not acting,” I said. “It’s called lying.” 

“It wasn’t a lie. Not technically. I picked the Artist Alley Mogul as my third-floor specialty. It’s basically the same thing anyway, so I don’t see why he’s so upset. It said I received all the benefits except the 25% discount. Or the Shield spell. Or that Pathfinder skill.” 

“That’s like all of the usable benefits, Donut.” I sighed. “At least your Charisma is now higher. And you have that Cockroach skill.”

“And I’m immune to poison and disease!” 

“Yeah,” Mordecai said drily. “And you’ve received the Manager benefit.” 

“Oh yeah,” I said. “What is that?” 

I already knew exactly what the manager benefit was. Odette had explained it in detail. 

“That’s me,” Mordecai said. “I’m the manager. From now on, for the remainder of your time in this godsforsaken place, I will instantly teleport to any saferoom you are in.” 

“Yay!” Donut cried. 

“No, not yay,” Mordecai said. “I was supposed to transfer to a magic guild after this floor. I like running the magic guild. My room gets bigger, and I have access to my potions and more spells. Now every time you sleep or eat or stop to brush your teeth, I’ll be forced to spend my time with you. Away from my room and my clothes and food. Oh gods, and I’ve lost my tunnel access. No more television. No more access to the information codex. And since I can no longer watch you stumbling around the dungeon, I will have no warning for when I’m to be teleported away. And if you buy a personal space…” He started grumbling under his breath.

“That wasn’t cool, Donut,” I said. 

DONUT: I TOLD YOU HE’D BE MAD. I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE MAD AT ME, CARL. 

Carl: Yeah, he’s pissed. Sorry about that.

“You’ll want to make it look like a mistake,” Odette had said. “Or that it was all Donut’s idea, and you didn’t have anything to do with it. Mordecai can hold a grudge, but he still sees Donut as a child. He’ll forgive her. If he ever found out you did this on purpose, he would never forgive you.” 

“What if that manager benefit is attached to a class that isn’t as good?” I said. “I like having him around, but it doesn’t seem like that great of a trade-off if it hobbles Donut.” 

“There’s a lot he can’t tell you or help you with as a game guide. As a manager, that’s all out the window. He’ll lose access to the codex, and everything he tells you will have to be from his own memory. But Mordecai has been in the dungeon for a very long time, and that brain of his is the single greatest resource any crawler can have. As long as he wants to help you, it’ll be the next best thing to having him in the party. He’ll be able to use the chat feature. He is an alchemical master. Get him in front of an Alchemist’s table, and he’ll be able to make you potions. Surely you can see the benefit in that.” 

I did, indeed, see the benefit in it. So we decided to take Odette’s advice. I didn’t like lying or tricking Mordecai. He was as close to a friend as I could get to an alien, and I knew this could irreparably harm that trust and friendship if he ever found out. Furthermore, I didn’t trust Odette. We now owed her, and she potentially held something over us. But I did trust that she wanted us to survive for as long as possible. 

After quickly discussing it with Donut, we’d decided the risk was worth it. We would pick that benefit if it was available.  

Mordecai’s well-chiseled face groused. His smoldering eyes focused on Donut. “Well congratulations, crawler. You are now Princess Donut the Level 13 Former Child Actor Cat. Welcome to the third fucking floor.” 

Mordecai glared at me. 

“Your turn,” he said.

Chapter 49

Mordecai took a deep breath, and I watched him calm himself. 

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s take a look at your race selections, Carl.” 

I sat on the bed. I’d transferred the still-sleeping Mongo to the seat. Donut sat next to the baby velociraptor and rested a paw on his tiny head. 

Lines and lines populated the screen. 

“It looks as if you have 398 choices. That’s a good amount,” the incubus said. 

I focused on the line of three AI-recommended choices and laughed. 

Hobgoblin 

Human

And

Sasquatch 

“Huh, that’s odd,” Mordecai said. “I’ve never seen the system recommend the existing race before.” 

“The AI wants Carl to keep his tootsies the same,” Donut said. 

Mordecai made a face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it.  

I clicked on the first one, the Hobgoblin 

A spinning, 3D model of a large creature appeared in the air. They were basically large, more muscular goblins, but with festering sores on their faces. My stomach lurched at the sight of the monster, and for the first time what was happening here really hit me. 

I can say the word, and I will turn into that thing. Forever. Holy shit.  

“Ew,” Donut said. “Carl, you are not picking that. If you’re going to change, you should pick what he chose.” She waved at Mordecai. “An Incubus. Or a Changling. Yes, a Changling! You can alter yourself to fit my current class. Carl, wouldn’t that be great?” 

“Neither of those are on the list,” I said. I didn’t like the idea of the Changling anyway. Mordecai had said—like Donut’s Character Actor skill—the facsimile wasn’t always as good as the original. Extreme versatility came with a price.    

Hobgoblin

This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Explosives Handling skill by the time race selection becomes available.  

A Hobgoblin is what happens when a lady troll manages to get a goblin drunk enough to talk herself into his pants. Large, muscular, and smart, Hobgoblins excel at trapmaking, explosives management, and all-out mayhem. Unfortunately, these guys are so ugly even Gorgons lose their lunch looking upon them. This race is best suited for rogue and fighter-based classes.  

Automatic +3 to all trap-based and explosive-based skills.

+5% Faster skill progression in all trap-based and explosive-based skills.

Unlocks higher-tier explosives and trap-making abilities, allowing one to raise these skills to 20.

Free access to all Hobgoblin Sapper Workshops. 

-5 to Charisma. Charisma is capped at 10. 

+1 to Dexterity.

+2 to Intelligence. 

Adds the Regeneration skill (Already obtained via Trollskin Shirt)

This was a good race. In fact, it was almost perfect for the build I had in my mind. But there was no way I was going to turn myself into that thing. Absolutely not. The bonuses were great, but I would lose all of our viewers. They really were ugly. And not cute ugly like Mongo. These guys were genuinely unsettling to look at. 

I was curious what the system had to say about humans.  

Human

You’re already a human. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you don’t need a description. If you choose this, nothing will change. Except for these racial benefits:

+2 to all base stats.

Adaptability. +2% faster skill progression.

Choosing this race unlocks multiple exclusive, earth-based classes.   

I cringed a little as I clicked on my last choice. 

A large, hairy humanoid with massive feet started spinning. It looked almost identical to the creature in those beef jerky commercials. It was a stereotypical hair-covered bigfoot creature with fangs and a giant forehead. 

Sasquatch.

This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Smush skill by the time race selection becomes available.  

Bigfoot. Yeti (if you choose an ice-based class). Skunk Ape. The list of nicknames for these things is almost endless, but in the end, the result is the same. First you take a human, you cross it with a gorilla, you make them a foot and a half taller, cover them with hair, and then give them size 24 feet. The resulting behemoth is a monstrous melee fighter and tank. 

+ 3 to Bash Skill

+ 3 to Smush Skill   

-3 to Intelligence

-1 to Charisma

+6 to Strength

+6 to Constitution 

+2 to Dexterity

Unlocks higher tier Smush skill.

I eyed the spinning, 3D bigfoot creature with distaste. I focused on the creature’s massive, sparkling feet. That was not going to happen. I didn’t want to become a joke or a fucking parody of an earth creature. I thought of what that orc had said, that I was the AI’s pet. No. No way.  

“Advice?” I asked Mordecai. 

“Keep looking,” he said. “There are a few additional races available that still give you access to the exclusive earth-based classes. Based on Donut’s offerings, it appears the earth classes are going to be the best ones this year.” 

For the next two hours, I read through every available race. There was a wide variety of choices, from short, squat, purple-skinned little people called Night Dwarves to tall, thin gazelle-like fighters called Lyrx Elves to monstrous rock creatures with molten centers called Coal Engines. There was even a finger-sized parasitic worm creature called a Brain Linker. I wondered if they were same as the creatures who ran the Valtay Corporation, but I was afraid to ask. They could take over the bodies of any creature they killed, though the bodies would immediately start to rot. Mordecai said that was actually a solid choice, but I couldn’t imagine losing myself to that form. 

Most of the creatures were fairly balanced with one another. Generally the stats adjusted for a net gain of about 10 stat points, and if they didn’t, it came with a skill bonus or a few random abilities, like night vision, the ability to fly short distances, or inherent, racial spells. The exclusive races, like Hobgoblin and Sasquatch, usually added an extra bonus or two making them slightly better. 

I found one odd choice hidden amongst the others. A Primal. I clicked on it, and the 3D image was blank.  

Primal. 

For the first several seasons of Dungeon Crawler World, all contestants started off as Primals. Primals are blank slates. You will look the same as before. You will obtain all skills associated with your current race, with the following exceptions: 

-1 to all base stats

All higher-tier skills are unlocked and are able to train to 20. 

Choosing this race unlocks multiple exclusive, earth-based classes.   

I thought about this for several moments, trying to decide if this was better or worse than a straight human. 

“How hard is it to train a skill above 15?” I asked Mordecai. 

“Getting skills up to ten or eleven is relatively easy as long as you use them regularly. Look at Donut’s Magic Missile skill. It’s only the third floor, and it’s already at level nine. But each level after that is a slog unless you really dedicate yourself to training. There are multiple ways to train skills up. There are guilds, equipment boosts, expensive potions, and unreliable spells. If you get a particularly generous sponsor, they might grant you something that’ll also raise a skill. But it can be done with dedication and a lot of strategic planning. Every season, a few crawlers choose this race. It usually doesn’t pay off. Only a rare few crawlers manage to train one or two skills above 15.” 

“Is it worth it, to get a skill above 15?” 

“Absolutely,” he said. “A level 15 Fireball is a powerful spell that can ruin the day of most mobs. A level 16 Fireball is literally four times as potent. A level 20 can turn a mountain into an active volcano. If you manage to train one of your punching skills above 15, you will be unstoppable. But you’d have to get there first. If you choose this instead of human, you’ll miss out on the extra 10 stat points you obtain, and you’ll lose five additional points. It’s like starting five levels behind. That’s a big deal. But it’s not insurmountable. It’s well worth it if you plan your build carefully and dedicate yourself to a few core skills.” 

“Let me ask you something else,” I said. “The Maestro guy gifted something called a Legendary Skill potion to Maggie during his show. Are those things common?” 

“I can’t…” he paused, looking at Donut. His expression soured, as if he just remembered everything had changed thanks to that Manager skill. “They’re not common at all, and if you can find one for sale somewhere, it would cost many million gold. If that Maggie crawler has half a brain, she’ll sell it. But during the faction wars segment on the ninth floor, each clan can bring a war chest of supplies. That’s a specific unit of measurement based on volume. Each clan will usually fill these chests with such potions and magical rings and other small but powerful items. I’ll have to explain how that works later.” 

“So they’ll have a bunch of these potions?” 

“The ninth floor is going to open up in about a half-hour. And about fifteen minutes after that, most of those potions will have already been used up. But not all of them. Again, it’s a lot to explain.” 

“So, what’s your take?” I asked. “Human or Primal?” 

“You should pick Hobgoblin or Coal Engine, but both will probably lose you viewers. People hate hobgoblins. Interviewers don’t like them on their shows.” 

I looked over at Donut, who had fallen asleep. She curled up with Mongo. 

“What is a Primal anyway?” I asked. “It doesn’t say. Is it just something made up for the dungeon?” 

“Yes and No,” Mordecai said. “The Primals are the progenitors, the first known species to conquer the universe. They are the boogiemen of the cosmos. Nobody knows what they looked like or anything about them other than that they spread across the galaxy, and then one day, they just vanished. There was a great war that spanned all corners of the galaxies. We can see the remnants of the battles. If they were fighting a species other than themselves, we don’t know who they were. When someone comes across an abandoned remnant of their civilization, the resident AI, if it is still sane, usually takes the form of the race of the species who discovered it. That is why they look like whomever chooses them. It is said one day they will return. Mothers call upon Primals to instill fear into their young ones. Some systems worship them as gods.” 

I opened up the menu, scrolled all the way to the bottom, and I picked Primal as my race.    

~

My list of available classes consisted of over 650 choices. 

“You’d have even more if you didn’t have that tattoo on your neck,” Mordecai said. 

“Why? And what sort of classes are excluded?” 

“The Desperado club doesn’t allow, what is the word? Goody-two-shoes? It doesn’t allow those sorts. So no Cleric classes and Paladin classes,” Mordecai said. “Along with a few monk classes, which is unfortunate as they would’ve been worth a look. But I think all three of your suggested choices are good ones.”  

I looked over the AI’s recommend choices. All three were from the pool of earth-based classes. 

Bomb Squad Tech   

Prize Fighter 

And

Compensated Anarchist    

“Hmm,” I said. I pulled up each one in turn. 

Bomb Squad Tech

This exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained the Boom! Achievement.  

People who actually choose to work with explosives are the craziest bastards around. You excel at making things blow up. And while you’re good at keeping the bombs from going off in your own hands, Bomb Squad Techs still tend to lose both friends and limbs at alarming rates. Luckily this class comes with a benefit that can fix 50% of that problem.     

All explosive-based traps will mark themselves as you approach. 

All armor is 10% more effective. 

The handling of explosives no longer degrades them. 

Automatic +2 to all explosive-based skills.

+5 Bomb Surgeon skill

+2 to Dexterity.

+2 to Constitution.

-2 to Intelligence (After all, only dumbasses would choose to do this for a living.) 

Plus the Limb Regeneration Benefit. 

This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.

This was good, very good in fact, but it was missing some of the key benefits I was looking for. The next class had the same issues. 

Prizefighter

This exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained a Level five in the Pugilism skill.

This is a Monk subclass. 

Sweaty, half-naked men circling each other in a ring, turning their faces into raw pulp as the crowd roars. The people in this audience don’t care who is fighting who, as long as one of them ends up a crumpled, bloody heap on the mat before the night is done. Prizefighters don’t do it for the glory, or for honor. They do it to put food on the table. It’s nothing personal. 

Prizefighters receive the following benefits: 

+5 to Constitution

+2 to Strength. 

-2 to Intelligence

-2 to Charisma

+3 to the Pugilism Skill

+1 to the Unarmed Combat Skill

+1 to the Iron Punch Skill

+5 to the Knockout Skill

+(1 x Floor Number) gold for every mob killed with a punch. 

Unlocks higher-tier Pugilism Skill benefit (Benefit already received)

This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.

That +3 in Pugilism was a huge bonus considering I’d already managed to get it to 10 thanks to that Cheat Code potion. I’d pick this class in a second if I thought I could just punch my way through the dungeon. I knew already that wasn’t going to happen. I needed something that was more versatile. 

I sighed and pulled up the description on the third suggested class. 

Compensated Anarchist 

This rare and exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained Level five in the Explosives Handling skill and have received at least 500 Billion views by the time they’ve reached the third floor.

When the oligarchs want to manufacture a social movement, or better yet, stop one in its tracks, they must first bring in the big guns. The paid protestors. This Monk/Rogue hybrid class is a trapmaking, bomb-making, social-media dynamo. The Compensated Anarchist will happily throw a Molotov through a window one moment and step in front of a camera to plead for the violence to stop the next. Experts in hand-to-hand and dirty tactics, the Compensated Anarchist only suffers when it comes to more traditional fighting techniques.  

+1 to the Bomb Surgeon Skill

+1 to the Trap Engineer Skill

+1 to the Unarmed Combat Skill

-25% Damage when using bladed weapons

+25% Mana cost for damage-dealing spells

+5% skill progression speed in all trap-making and bomb-making skills.  

+ 2 Hide in Shadows Skill

+ Fear spell

+ 1 Intelligence

+ 5 Charisma

+5 to the Find Trap Skill

+5 to the Backfire Skill

+5 to the Escape Plan Skill

Access to the Desperado Club (already obtained) 

Access to the Naughty Boys Employment Agency

This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.

Compensated Anarchists must choose a subclass upon descent to the sixth floor.

“Holy shit. That seems like a winner,” I said. “This one has a ton of stuff attached to it. Though ‘Compensated Anarchist’ is kind of an oxymoron. I guess that’s the point.” 

“Yeah, all those classes with view-count minimums are usually really good. They do it on purpose to give the more popular players a boost. This one definitely seems tailored for you. Let me look deeper into it while you peruse some of the others. There’s probably a few issues hidden under the hood.”

I started sorting through the mass of other classes. I could hide all the ones that didn’t have any special requirements, as they generally weren’t nearly as good.  

I didn’t get very far before the world rumbled. I glanced up, surprised. The second floor had collapsed. 

The new countdown appeared. We only had eight days to complete this next level. 

Welcome Crawlers to the third floor! We have just over 700,000 crawlers remaining. You will have eight full days to complete this floor. We will have a longer announcement later, but we know most of you are currently dealing with your game guides. We are looking forward to seeing what races and classes everyone picks. We have some new, exciting classes available this season! Good luck to everyone! 

“Eight days,” Mordecai said, looking up at the ceiling. He shook his head. “If they keep this up, the sixth floor is only going to be open 11 or 12 days. The factions are going to be pissed. It’s usually open for 30.” 

I went back to work. There were multiple classes that seemed really good on the surface. Many were similar to the Bomb Squad one, like Riot Forces Support and Trebuchet Commander. And a few of the non-earth ones were interesting as well, including the Rogue Trapmaster and Trickster class. 

Donut and Mongo snored loudly in unison as Mordecai and I discussed the ins and outs of each class. 

“Just a warning,” Mordecai said. “Donut didn’t have to worry about this, but some of these classes have strict stat minimums. The charisma minimum for the Compensated Anarchist is 25. You’ll have 36 points to distribute, but you’ll be forced to spend 17 of them on your charisma right away, even with that plus five. And then another six to get your base Dexterity up to 10, though I’d recommend that anyway.” 

“Yikes,” I said. “That kind of sucks.” 

“But several of the skills that it comes with are pretty rare. The Backfire skill, for example,” Mordecai said. “It allows you to pick up a trap and deconstruct it. You’ll be able to use the materials for your own purpose. The triggering mechanisms alone are quite valuable. You could make a living just by farming traps.” 

We went over a few of the other skills. Bomb Surgeon, which came with a few of my choices allowed me to basically take a stick of dynamite and cut it into pieces, making smaller, less potent bombs. Or I could deconstruct smoke bombs and utilize the individual parts for traps. Hide in Shadow was self-explanatory, though with Donut and Mongo in tow, I imagined it wouldn’t be too useful. 

Multiple classes had a pathfinder skill, including the Trickster class. But I soon learned the Compensated Anarchist had the next best thing. 

“What’s this Escape Plan skill?” 

Mordecai nodded, looking it over. “That’s a new one. It shows hidden doors more readily, but more importantly, there’s a secret benefit.” Mordecai grunted. “You can thank your cat for this one. It says it offers access to the Dungeon Locator, but it doesn’t say what that is or how to access it. Luckily for you, I do know how to find and read it. Before, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you.” 

“So what is it?”     

“At every major intersection of the dungeon is a concealed map legend that intelligent and wandering mobs can utilize. It gives a very general overview of what’s in every direction. You know how at the zoo there’s arrows that say, ‘Monkeys this way, lions that way?’ It’s the same concept. It’ll point you toward exits and city bosses and so forth. It’s not quite as good as the pathfinder skill, which basically opens up the map in a very wide area, but this might be even more useful in some ways.” 

“Okay, what about this Naughty Boys Employment Agency?” 

He shrugged. “I have no idea what that is. It sounds like a quest-giving guild.” 

“And the subclasses? It says I have to pick one on the sixth floor.”

“We can’t see what they are yet. It’s pretty rare that you’re required to choose one, but I’ve seen it a few times. You’ll likely have to specialize further in one of the three skills. Bombs, traps, or hand-to-hand.” 

“Okay, then,” I said after a moment. “So what do you think?” 

“If you were in a more well-rounded party, I’d tell you to go with the Prizefighter class,” Mordecai said. “If you were in an even larger group, I’d suggest the Bomb Squad. All three of those are good. The Compensated Anarchist is potentially the best, but like with your race, it requires a lot of work. You’re going to need to grind and grind and focus on gaining as much experience as possible. With these shortened timers, it’s going to be a lot harder.”

I grinned. “I guess it’s good thing we now have a group member who knows what he’s doing.” 

Mordecai narrowed his eyes at me as I scrolled down and picked Compensated Anarchist as my class. 

~

I next had to figure out my stats. Donut ended up with the following:

Strength: 20
Intelligence: 23 + 5 (Tiara) +1 charm = 29
Constitution: 4 + 2 (Brush) = 6
Dexterity: 12 + 2 (Crupper) +2 (Bracelet) +5 (temp. floor bonus) = 21
Charisma: 70

Her strength had taken a minus three hit, but her dexterity had risen by four, her constitution by two, and her charisma by another single point thanks to her cat racial choice. Her constitution was still worryingly low. Finding items to get that up would be one of our first priorities.

She’d only gained a net of four stat points by choosing the cat race, but she had received a ton of new skills. Night Vision, Slash Attack, Cat-like Reflexes, and a benefit called 9 Lives. 

The 9 Lives benefit was similar to her Cockroach skill, but it wasn’t as good. It halved the damage received for the first nine physical attacks she received per day. That was helpful, especially considering her low Constitution. But if we were going to be facing super powerful monsters, a half attack would still likely cut her half. 

She’d eventually awakened. “What’d I miss? Did you grow elf ears?” She looked me up and down. “You’re still human. That’s boring.” 

“I’m no longer human. I’m a Primal.” 

“Is that like a caveman?” 

“If you had remained awake, you would have learned what all this meant.” 

She shrugged and stretched. Mongo yawned loudly, also stretching. He made a purring noise that sounded suspiciously cat-like.  

I was going to have to continue to be the party’s tank. I received three stat points on level-up, and I had a pool of 36 points, though more than half of them were chosen for me thanks to the class’s minimums. After everything settled, I ended up with the following:  

Strength: 10 + 3 (toe ring) = 13 +3 (When Gauntlet Formed)
Intelligence: 5
Constitution: 10 + 4 (shirt) +1 (ring) +2 (ring) +2 (boxers) = 19
Dexterity: 10 + 1 (Gauntlet) = 11
Charisma: 25

I’d given myself enough Intelligence to read that Wisp Armor spellbook, but I didn’t do it quite yet. I was still on the fence about using it for myself, giving it to Donut, or selling it. I wanted to see what its actual monetary value was first. The Fear spell I now had cost three points to cast.  

I wasn’t too happy yet with this build. Donut was still way more powerful than me. For the hundredth time in as many seconds, I wondered if I was an idiot for choosing this path. I’d been forced to spend a ton on Charisma. The stat was mostly useless, especially since Donut was already deity-like with hers. I was going to have to level as quickly as possible. In my head, I originally was hoping for much more Strength and Constitution. From now on, all my points were going to go into those two until their base was at least 20. 

Donut had ended up with a skillset that allowed her to pretty much make it up as she went along. My chosen path required very deliberate planning and rigorous training. But if I managed to excel—and survive—I could mold myself into something very powerful. Was I an idiot? I knew some people would definitely think so.   

“Only one thing is going to make this work,” Mordecai said. It seemed as if he’d been reading my mind.  

“Training?” I asked. 

“No,” he said. “Money. And lots of it. Come on. Let’s go outside.” He started buttoning his tuxedo shirt back up. “Where did I put that tie?”  

“Wait, you can leave your room?” 

“Of course I can leave my room. I’m your manager now. Plus I have to present you two. It’s part of the whole deal.” He straightened his bow tie and rubbed the front of his jacket.  

“Technically you’re my manager,” Donut grumbled as we lined up. Mongo screeched. 

That was actually a good point, but neither Mordecai nor I wanted to broach that subject just yet. He just ignored it for now. “I’m still not allowed to directly fight with you, but I can still occasionally step out into the dungeon. Let’s go. I’m going to present you, and then I need to show you something. Carl first, then Donut and Mongo.”  

All of us stood and lined up at the door. He opened it with a flourish. 

When we’d entered the room, we’d been in a long, golden hallway with tall walls. But now, spread before us was a bustling village with dozens of creatures of all types walking about. The stench of sulfur and smoke filled the polluted air. Dozens of medieval-style shops filled area. The ground appeared to be made of wooden slats with wide spaces in some areas. Smoke drifted lazily from the holes. Above, on the fake ceiling, a blazing, red sun rose, filling the area with a crimson-hued light. 

Mordecai looked out at the village. None of the denizens gave him any heed. He waved for me to step outside, and I did. My feet echoed on the slats. The temperature out here was much higher than the previous level. 

“I’d like to present Dungeon Crawler Carl, the Level 13 Compensated Anarchist Primal.”