Chapters 77 and 78 (Patreon)

10K+ of words. Hopefully this doesn't break Patreon. If it gets weird, let me know, and I'll break it up into two posts.  

Chapter 77

It had been several hours since I’d beaten my knuckles raw on the wooden dummies. Both Donut and Katia entered the training room about twenty minutes after I did. Donut worked on her dodge skill, bouncing back and forth while the hologram of a four-armed monster holding four whips lashed at her. Katia was on the other side of the room doing something similar, but instead she was jumping in front of rocks as they were being tossed at a holographic puppy by the same four-armed, virtual opponent. 

Neither of them said anything to me. When I finished, my level in Bare Knuckles had not risen. I knew it would take more than a single session to raise it once it was this high. 

From there, I went into the crafting space, which at the moment was just a giant, empty room. Mordecai was already in there, looking about. 

“You have three tables,” Mordecai said. He didn’t say or acknowledge what had happened earlier. “Go set them up, and then go out on your business. I’m going to spend the next several hours studying what has changed and what’s new with the crafting system because it seems they’ve tweaked it some since last time. Leave everything labeled an alchemical supply on the alchemy table. I’ll start working on a few things while you’re out.” 

I nodded. I pulled out the alchemy table and shoved it against a wall. It clicked loudly into place, and several menu items appeared over it, mostly regarding upgrades. I started pulling everything from my inventory in the alchemy category, which was a lot of stuff, from rat meat to that chest of supplies we’d bought from the drug dealer. By the time I was done, the simple table now looked as if a mad scientist had set up shop at a swap meet. 

I then put the sapper’s table against one wall and my engineering table against the other. I knew I would spend most of my time at the sapper table, but for now, I stood at the engineering one, which Mordecai said was a general, catch-all table for using magical tools to fashion items. I pulled my tools, like the Goo-inator 3000, which was a “shaping” tool and the Gorgon Marital Aid, which was a tool that added plasticity to rigid items and placed them on the table. I had a dozen other, slightly-too-small tools from the goblins, plus a regular flathead screwdriver and a few wrenches that I’d picked up after the Juicer boss fight. 

I had a few ideas of items I needed to make. My raw materials were a little lacking. I moved to my inventory and sorted through the crap. 

I had the massive breastplate of a swordsman guard, and I pulled it out, clunking it onto the table. I had managed to grab three of these things, plus a helmet and one of the giant swords. All of their values were relatively low, which had been disappointing. This metallic breastplate wasn’t enchanted. I was thinking maybe I could refashion it into something for Katia, but it was way too big for her. The thing was the size of an opened umbrella. I knew I’d need an armorer’s workbench to properly make wearable materials anyway. Plus this thing was heavy as shit. It looked like maybe it was made from actual iron, and it varied in thickness from one to about two and a half inches. While I could easily lift it with my over-40 strength, I knew before I’d never have been able to even make it budge. 

I held the Goo-inator in one hand and pointed it at the curved hunk of iron. 

The whole breastplate started blinking. A menu of multiple shapes popped up. I could flatten the whole thing out. Because of the plate’s thickness, I could shape it like a sheet, lower the width, and I’d end up with a large chunk of metal, almost like it was made of dough. 

The last item on the list of the tool’s shapes was Freeform. 

I clicked on freeform, and then using the wand, I put a slight bend into the material. It was similar to manipulating a shape using a computer graphic program, something I’d never been very good at. The metal groaned loudly as it was shaped, but it didn’t break. 

New achievement! Martha Stewart!

You used a workbench to craft for the first time. The next thing you know you’ll be fashioning bottlecap earrings, drinking oat milk, and selling your ugly crap on Etsy while you wax poetic on Instagram about your “journey.”  

Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Crafter’s Box! 

I immediately opened the box, and it contained a nice pair of unenchanted pliers, a standard tape measure, and a bucket of pink glitter. Not a vial of glitter. Not a cup of glitter. A goddamned bucket full of the stuff. Even before I could add it to my inventory, some of the tiny pink squares blew out of the container and spread to the floor. I knew from experience that it was now all over. The glitter would never go away. I sighed and added the tools to the pile. 

I turned to Mordecai, who was hunched over his alchemy table way on the other side of the room. 

“I need to weld. Do you think I can get something like that?” 

He looked up. “Of course. In the meantime, you can probably get creative with that shaping tool. It’s not very precise and has a tendency to lower the strength of the items you shape, so if you get too creative, you’ll end up with crumbly junk. But you can take a separate item and twirl them together like a twist tie. Just be careful. Those tools are no joke. Being in a saferoom may keep you from dying if you fuck something up at a workbench, but if you fuck up good enough, you’ll wish you were dead.” 

“Oh, by the way,” I called out. “While I was training, I talked to Bautista. He’s grouped up with some other crawlers. He’s on the Azure and Brown line. They’re at station number 199. They don’t have a non-colored line at their station, but they’re going to go down the Azure line today. He also got a fancy base thanks to that upgrade.”

“I’ll add it to the list,” Mordecai said. 

“Okay,” I said. I leaned over the bench and started shaping the plate. 

~

After a shower and applying my pedicure kit, we went back out into the world. 

We first stopped at the general store. Limp Richard the mole man leaned on the counter, reading a book as we browsed through the items on the shelves. He had a wide array of products, but most of it wasn’t noteworthy or useful. We only ended up purchasing one thing, a large, padded mallet. He’d listed it for 250 gold, and Donut talked him down to 150. 

He did have one other item that was interesting. In a dusty corner of his shop he had a thing called a Battery Fabricator. It was listed at 75,000 gold. I remembered that the descriptions at shops weren’t always fully accurate as I examined its properties. 

Battery Fabricator. 

I don’t really know how this thing works. It was taken from a dwarven automaton factory. You pour a handful of mana potions in, stick one of these metal blocks in, and a charged battery comes out on the other side. Comes with a box of 50 of the battery things. Price not negotiable.  

I picked up one of the battery rectangles, which he had piled behind the machine. The description for the batteries was the same as the unit. The system wouldn’t give me a real description unless I purchased the item. Each battery was about the size and weight of a brick. “Do you know how much of a charge these things hold?”

Limp Richard shrugged. “You’d have to ask a dwarf. The automatons they use can run a long time before needing a new battery, I know that. They’re better than the soul gems the elves use. Did you know soul gems run off actual souls? It’s quite morbid. Plus soul gems are very unstable.” 

“Yeah, I may have heard that somewhere,” I said drily.  

The machine was about the size of a microwave. I knew a bit about the chemical processes required to make real batteries, and this didn’t make much sense. But nothing in this place made sense, especially once you added magic into the mix. Still, the moment I saw the unit, I knew I wanted it. But the price seemed outrageous, and even if we had that much money, I couldn’t justify spending that much on something just because I thought it might be cool.

We ended up selling a bunch of random junk for a couple thousand gold. As Mordecai warned us more than once, we didn’t want to sell too much stuff to a general store. They never offered the best prices. By the time Donut was done negotiating all the patience out of the talking mole, the creature was in a pretty foul mood.  

“What’s that book you got there?” I asked, leaning in after Donut and Limp Richard finished their negotiations. It looked like a tattered English-language sci-fi book. There was a cat on the cover. I recognized the author, but I hadn’t read the book. “Hey, Donut, check it out. It’s a book about cats.” 

Limp Richard nodded, his expression brightening just a hair. “It’s an Andre Norton book. A lot of his books are about cats.” 

“Andre Norton was a woman,” I said. “May I?” I picked the book up. I flipped it over. My dad had owned several of these. I’d mostly read the westerns, but I’d read a few of the old sci-fi books as well. My dad hated cats, though, so he never had any books with cats on the cover.  

“I’ve read this one a few dozen times,” Limp Richard said. “There are a lot of earth books floating around the dungeon, but there’s never enough.” He sighed. “And now it’s too late to get more, and I don’t have anybody nearby to trade with. Shopkeepers like myself don’t have access to the entertainment feeds like the guides and guildmasters. And most of those guys just access the tunnel or watch earth television and movies. All I can get is physical media, which means books and comics. All I have is 15 books. Sixteen if you count the one with the last few chapters torn out.” 

“I’ll tell you what,” I said. I pulled five Louis L’Amour books from my inventory. I’d read each of them already, from Sackett’s Land to Lando. “I’ll trade you these five for five of your books. Straight-up trade.” 

He picked up the first book. “A western? I’ve never read one of your westerns. Is it any good?” He frowned. “They’re short.”  

“They’re good,” I said. “These were pretty popular books. But you’re right. They tend to be short.” 

“Okay,” he said. He went to the back and returned with a handful of books, spreading them out. “Pick some, and it’ll be a deal.” 

All of the books were science fiction or 80’s horror. I noted the one that was missing the last few chapters was a book I’d read long ago. Swan Song by Robert R. McCammon. I left that one on the table and picked up five sci-fi books. Three Andre Norton books including the one he’d been reading, Breed to Come. I also picked up The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin and The Forever War by Joe Haldeman.

“I don’t know if we’ll be back this way,” I said to the mole as I added the books to my inventory, “but if we are, and if you like the books, I’ll trade you the rest of the ones I’ve already read.”

“Okay,” Limp Richard said as we left. “There are a lot of my kind on this floor. Don’t give them away to any of those other guys. They’re all book hogs!” 

“You should have asked for more,” Donut said as we walked out. “You’re a terrible negotiator, Carl.” 

“Oh don’t worry about that,” I said. I looked over my shoulder, and the mole had already picked up the first book. “If I learned anything from my time in the coast guard, it’s the value of entertainment to a bored man who has run out of books to read. In a couple days, he’ll be jonesin’ pretty hard. Once we figure out how to backtrack on the rails, we’ll need to swing by this place again.”  

~

We decided against just jumping onto the Nightmare Express until we had more information, but I wanted to see the train and examine the sign. It turned out the train only came once every hour and a half, and we’d missed it while we were in Limp Richard’s shop. 

We didn’t need to see the train to know it was obviously a different type. The tracks were wider, and while the train was still underground, there was no electrified third rail. While that other platform for the red line was especially long, long enough to accommodate all the cars, this one was even longer. It looked twice as long.  

The red line had been a one-way line that started at station #11 and ended at #435. This one traveled in a figure-eight pattern, which meant once one got on it, they’d eventually end up back at this station. That was good to know. The train only had five stops total, though it appeared there was a good distance between each stop. Four of the five stops were transit stations. The one stop that was not a transit station was station #436, and it appeared at the very top of the figure-eight. 

Unlike the map outside of the red station, this one gave slightly more information. It gave the colors for each of the transit stations it intersected. This station was yellow and red. The next one on the track was station 283, but it was the mauve and purple line. The stop after that was stop 436, then stop 283 again, but this time was the green line and the yellow line. Then it was station 83 again, but a different station 83. It was the tangerine and plum line. 

“For fuck’s sake,” I said after I relayed all the info to Mordecai. “They weren’t kidding when they named this thing ‘the Iron Tangle.’ My head hurts already. I hate math.” 

“I’m not a fan of math myself,” Katia said. She was examining the map, but I knew for her, all it showed was the figure eight and a single dot indicating our current station. “But you said up here is the green and yellow station? That means it crosses the yellow line twice. That seems like it’s important to know.” 

“Maybe,” I said. “I guess if we ride the yellow all the way up to 283, we can hop on this nightmare train to backtrack. But the stairwells are at stations numbered 12, 24, 36, 48, and 72. So we need to find one of these loops that goes lower than 72.”

From there, we went to the landing of the yellow line. The map here was identical to the map of the red line. The transit station numbers were the same, though the line itself was shaped differently, like a giant, upside-down fishhook. As I was looking at the map, the train pulled up. 

There were monsters on board. Not nearly as many as there’d been as the red line, but there were enough to give me pause. 

The train slid to a stop, and the door opened, revealing a squat, gray-skinned creature with no neck and a shark-like mouth and a pair of black, beady eyes. Wisps of black, oily hair dusted the top of the thing. The monster stood about four-and-a-half feet tall and wobbled on a pair of toothpick legs that seemed woefully unprepared for the job of holding up the creature’s corpulent, pig-like body. The monster held a wooden club filled with nails. It howled gibberish at us. 

Cave Mudge Bonker. Level 19. 

In the hierarchy of Cave Mudge society, the Bonker is about as high on the list as a commoner can get. These odd, war-like creatures are said to have once been a star-faring nation, but something happened to cause them to regress back to the stone age. Probably too much reality TV. Don’t let those skinny legs fool you. When these guys get to bonkin’, they can be pretty darn quick. 

There were four of them in this car. All up and down the long platform, I could see a few more scattered about the cars, their small eyes glaring at us from the windows. I caught sight of another monster, too. These were human-sized, red-maned snake creatures, like nagas with the heads of lions. They were too far away to get a description. 

Donut hit the Cave Mudge standing in the open door with a pair of magic missiles, and it fell over dead just as the doors started to slide closed.    

“Hey,” I said as the train rolled away. “I can’t believe that actually worked. We can get them, but they can’t get us.” 

“Let’s wait for the next train and shoot some more!” Donut said. 

“Guys,” Katia said as we waited for the next train. “I just told Hekla about this, and she said she and the others have been doing this all morning, racking up a lot of experience. She thinks it’s a bug. You can also pull them from the doorways onto the platform and that kills them.”

“Hmm,” I said, thinking. “I think she’s wrong. I don’t think it is a bug. It’s more of a time trap, designed to get you to sit tight and snipe all day. If these were stronger monsters, I’d say we should definitely spend the day doing this. But there’s only so many we can get in the few moments while the door is open. Experience wise, we’re better off jumping onto the train and killing them. I guess we’ll know for sure after tonight.”  

Katia shrugged. “Hekla also says that the monsters all get off every five floors. If you follow them out, the levels are like a cave system, and there are tunnels. She hasn’t yet explored, but she thinks the tunnels might lead back to the previous four platforms. She thinks the monsters are constantly migrating in a circle.” 

That was kind of weird. “Tell her we’ll check it out. Also, tell her about the map Mordecai is building. Have her collect all the route info she can from all of her contacts and report it back to you so you can pass it on. I hope to have a better idea of this place by this time tomorrow.” 

~

We spent the next hour or so camping out on the platform and committing mass murder on the incoming mobs. The trains came every eight to ten minutes. It was always the same two types of monsters. The Bonkers, as we started calling them, and the Shock Chompers, which were described as “lesser nagas with mommy issues.” These things were all level 20. The snake-like creatures had an electrical attack, but it took them a bit to get revved up, and if you smacked them, it canceled out their attack. Not that it mattered since they couldn’t physically or magically reach us while we stood on the platform. All four of us would stand on a different section of the landing as the train pulled up. I’d punch. Mongo would chomp. Katia would practice with her axe, and Donut alternated between Magic Missile and practicing with her claws, which was something she needed much more experience with. The monsters were unable to fight back. But like I suspected, the experience was slow coming. Plus we were robbed of the ability to loot the corpses unless we pulled them onto the platform. But if we did that, we didn’t get any experience. Still, we tried it a few times with each type of monster. The chompers dropped sharp fangs and about 10 gold each. The Bonkers dropped their clubs and a couple of coins. One dropped his own liver, which was listed as an alchemical supply. I took it and added it to the inventory. None of this stuff appeared to be valuable. 

Eventually we decided to finally get off our asses and hop onto the train. I wanted to check out the engine, so we moved all the way to the end of the platform. I knew normally, with subway cars at least, if there was a driver at all, they were usually set up in a little cubicle at the front of the lead car. But in these trains, the entire first car was a solid, closed-off hunk of metal. It didn’t even stop at the platform. It pulled slightly ahead, leaving car #2 at the far end of the station. So we set up by the wall, just outside of where train car number two would stop. 

Each train car held four sets of exterior doors on each side. We set up outside the two doors closest to the engine car. The next train squealed to a halt. This furthermost car only held two of the Shock Chompers, and the moment the door opened, both Donut and I took them out. Donut used a Magic Missile, and I reached into the car and punched the maned snake right in the face with two quick jabs, which killed it. We stepped into the car just as the doors slid closed, and we were on our way. 

I looked about the yellow line train car. This car was almost the same as the red line car, but the first thing I noticed was that the graffiti was in English, not Russian. The seats faced inward, the same as the Russian train, but the cushions were blue, not brown. Also, the pattern of poles was different and the aisles weren’t as wide. The doors at the fore and aft of the train were the same, and the car itself seemed about the same length. 

Donut and Katia spent a moment examining the forward doorway leading toward car number one. 

“It says we need a Yellow Line Engineer’s Key to open the next door,” Katia said a moment later. “How do you think we can get one of those?” 

“We need to get the driver to come out somehow, I guess,” I said. “Then we gotta take it from him. Either that or maybe we can figure out how to break into the car from the outside.”  

Just as I moved to loot the corpse of the Shock Chomper, the far doorway to train number three slid open on its own. 

“Ahh, shit,” I said, backing up. A group of five Bonkers rushed at us, clubs upraised. They howled. 

I was hoping these guys didn’t know how to work the doors. 

“Formation one, guys.” 

This was something we talked about and practiced as we were getting ready earlier. This was more of a stance than an actual move. We backed up so we were parallel with the exterior doors. I had to step over the body of the Chomper killed by the cat. Donut leaped to my shoulder as Mongo jumped up into the space between the chairs, his back to the door to the outside. He set up on the starboard—the right—side of the car, which was actually to my left since we were facing the back of the train. The doorway was sandwiched by a grid of metal poles, which would protect Mongo. Katia moved to the opposite side, also jumping into the small vestibule in front of the exit. I remained in the middle, but I took a step back, creating a V-shaped kill zone. 

This created a unified front while forcing the mobs into a funnel. They’d only be able to get to us either one or two at a time, while making themselves vulnerable from all of us. The poles and handhelds were always going to be a problem, but as long as we stood our ground in this position, the interior obstacles would be more of a hindrance to the attackers than us. 

I really wished we’d spent more time practicing this, as we were without a backup. My Protective Shell spell wouldn’t reset for another 19 hours. I shook my head, realizing how much time we’d saved by only sleeping for two hours. Still, with only nine more days to find a path to the exit, we couldn’t afford to waste time.  

As I watched, Katia’s shape changed. She grew shorter, more squat while her arms grew in length, with bulges at her forearms, making her look like a deranged Popeye. Her face gritted with pain as she altered. I knew the faster she changed, the more it hurt. She’d been practicing this in the training room. I wasn’t certain this was the best shape, but it was impressive and kind of gross at the same time.  

“That’s right, Mongo. Good boy. Don’t. Don’t! Yes, that’s right. Stay!” Donut called, trying to keep the pet from rushing forward. The dinosaur was bouncing up and down in anticipation, squealing in anger at the Bonkers. 

The Bonkers’ enthusiasm for attacking us waned in the five seconds between them rushing into the room and realizing they faced a party that included a dinosaur. The forward creature stumbled as he tripped over the corpse of the first chomper. He righted himself, only to collapse after getting hit in the head by a well-placed Magic Missile. 

The next two came at us, side-by-side, swinging their clubs. One swung at Mongo, but the wooden, spiked club caught on the pole just as Mongo slashed forward with his feet. The shirtless creature was disemboweled before he even felt the reverberation of his club against the metal pole.  

At the same time, the other attacker swung at me as Donut lobbed a pair of missiles over his shoulder at the two behind him. 

Katia spun and caught the swing with her right arm. She didn’t put her arm in front of the club, but behind it, catching it as it swung downward. She added to the momentum, forcing the club to swing down and to my left, causing the Bonker to stumble. It grunted in surprise. Katia retracted her arm as I jumped forward and punched, smashing the wide monster in the face. It crumpled to the ground, and I stomped on its head. Its jaw crackled like glass under the crush of my foot. 

A life bar formed over Katia, but it didn’t appear as if she’d really lost any health. 

The last two monsters were on the ground, piled on top of one another. Both had been hit with a magic missile, though a lower powered one. Neither were dead. I stepped forward and with two quick foot jabs, I smashed open both of their heads. 

“That’s really disgusting, Carl,” Donut said. “Every time your foot gets stronger, the amount of blood that comes out is more and more.”  

“Are you okay?” I asked Katia as I wiped my foot on the side of the pole. “That was pretty slick.” 

“It didn’t really hurt so much as sting,” she said, rubbing her arm. “I caught one of the spikes, but it mostly scraped against the metal part of my arm. Mostly.” 

“Okay, good,” I said. “Just be careful. I almost accidentally punched you and not the monster.” 

“Yeah, it’s hard in these close quarters.” 

Four more Bonkers entered the car and came charging at us. 

“Well the good news is we can try this again,” I said, backing up. “Reset the formation.”  

Chapter 78

We were done with the rest of the monsters only a few minutes later. We’d only had to face the creatures in cars three and four. Whatever was in car number five, it didn’t easily allow the passage of the monsters from the sixth car. On the map, that fifth train was similarly shaped to the janitor’s quarters, but there was some sort of odd, square structure within. We needed to check it out, but we didn’t have time. We only had a couple of minutes until we reached stop number 84, which was “Phantom Kangaroo station.” 

“Okay, let’s set up,” I said. 

I had fabricated multiple, quick and dirty car fortifications using the engineering workbench. I had two types of defenses. Exterior door blocks and gangway blocks. I’d made four door blocks and two of the gangway ones, which would allow us to hopefully isolate an entire train car for ourselves as long as we cleared it first. And as long as the exterior doors only opened on one side. If we came across any stations where the doors on both sides of the train opened simultaneously, we were going to be in trouble.  

“Phantom Kangaroo coming up,” came the announcement. The voice was similar to the last train, but not identical. “That’ll be station number 84. After that is stop number 85, which is an exit-only cavern stop. Thanks for riding the tangle.”

I moved into the gangway and closed the door to train number three. I pulled the massive sheet of metal out of my inventory. I’d made it just about the right size. There wasn’t anything fancy about it. It was just a giant, rectangular hunk of metal with rounded edges that I wedged into the space. It’d originally been a swordsman breastplate that I’d thinned out to about a fifth of an inch thickness, which allowed me to make it pretty big. The thing was solid and heavy as shit. It’d probably take four or five normal humans to lift it. If I didn’t have my foot buff active, it’d shatter my foot if I dropped it in the wrong place. I called it the “Gangway Chock.” The obstruction was much larger than either of the doors, and it was wide enough that no monsters would be able to wriggle or slide around it, not unless they were tiny. And even then, they’d only be able to come one at a time. Since I could easily pull the wedge in and out of my inventory, it was no real impediment for me. I was also working on a design to keep the sliding doors shut, but I first wanted to see if the sliding door design was universal before I wasted too much time on it. 

Next came the exterior door blocks. These were tall wedges fashioned from altered weight benches. I used crossbars, similar to the supports we used for the portable redoubt, to slide through holes in the top, middle, and bottom of each wedge. We slid the wedges against the doors and shoved the crossbars through the holes, snaking them through the handholds by the exit doors, which kept the wedge loosely in place. I’d been afraid that I’d accidentally make the wedges too wide, and I ended up making them too slim. I would need to engineer something that was either adjustable or modular. Or better yet, what I really needed was to get my hands on several industrial jacks or post shores. Something we could quickly construct and break down. In the meantime, this would have to do. 

I nervously inspected my wedge system. I put a hand against it, and it rattled back and forth. On the red line car, the handhold system was set up differently, so my design wasn’t perfect, and a monster or two could probably force their way in after a few seconds. But hopefully this would keep us from getting overwhelmed. The moment we had a free moment, I’d pull out my new tape measure and get accurate dimensions of the doorways, the gangways, and everything else I could think of.   

“These things don’t look very stable, Carl,” Donut said as the car slowed to a stop.

“Nope,” I said. 

A new type of monster lounged about the platform. These were large, green-skinned fish-looking dudes. There was only a handful of them, and none of them appeared too interested in fighting anybody. These were like full-sized Kua-Tin, but more monstrous looking than the Gleeners. Each of them had massive, milk-white eyes. They started to lazily line up at the landing. A pair of the creatures stood on the platform outside of car number two. They didn’t seem to notice us examining them through the windows. I examined its properties. 

Pollyslog. Level 22. 

Of all the monsters from prehistoric Kua-tin mythology, the Pollyslogs are some of the most fearsome. They are strong, intelligent, and gigantic. At least compared to the Kua-tin. So what I’m really saying is they’re moderately durable, dumb as a sack of pickled turnips, and, well, they are pretty big. They also secrete acid from their fingers, so you might want to watch out for that. 

It sounded like the AI was still pissed at Borant. I wondered how long that would last. 

“Get ready to repel boarders,” I said.

Donut grunted. “You know this isn’t a boat, right? All this starboard and aft and pirate talk is starting to really annoy Mongo, especially since we don’t know what the hell you’re talking about half the time.”

Katia laughed. The door slid open. Through the window, I watched as one of the Pollyslogs walked right into the wedge. It reached up and touched it with a webbed hand. 

Up until this moment, the creatures had been acting strangely lethargic. That changed the instant the monster realized it couldn’t get onboard. It started screaming and banging its hands against the barricade. A doorway down, the second Pollyslog did the same. This second one started smashing himself against it like he was trying to break down a door. The one closer to me managed to slide his long, green arms around the obstruction, hugging it. Both monsters squealed in outrage as the doors started to close a moment later. 

I rushed forward and slammed against the wedge, pushing it back.

It turned out that the doors did not work like normal subway doors. The fish monster’s arms severed off with a loud crunch. The two arms slopped to the ground, leaving a sizzling trail where they grasped onto the wedge. 

“Don’t,” Donut yelled at Mongo, who was about to gobble them up. 

The second Pollyslog had managed to also get killed by the door, but this one had gotten more of his body into the car. The door cut him in half, leaving a mess of gore between the wedge and the doorway. The back half of his fish body remained there attached to the outside of the door. As the train started moving, it caught on the wall, likely leaving a stream of gore down the entire side of the train. 

I gingerly took the two arms into my inventory as I quickly measured the exterior doorway. 

We had ten minutes to stop number 85. I didn’t hear any commotion coming from car number three. It didn’t appear any of the Pollyslogs had gone into that car, but I wasn’t certain. 

“Let’s go check out car #5,” I said. “Maybe there will be clues in there telling us what to do.” 

I quickly removed all the fortifications. We moved to the car number three, which was empty as I suspected. So was car number four. 

The fifth car featured a thicker, but unlocked door, just like with the 15th car. There was a sign on the door reading Do Not Enter. Tangle Employees Only. I hesitantly slid it open, peering inside. I saw the white dot indicating an NPC just as the door slid open. I relaxed and stepped inside. 

Entering Employee Break Room. 

This was a wide open room with a set of benches and tables against one wall and a large bar against the other. About halfway down the car was what appeared to be a separate room that took about a third of the total space. The sign over this room said Conductor’s Quarters. 

A dwarf sat at the bar, leaning into a drink. I had the immediate impression he’d been parked there for some time. He wore a wrinkled uniform, similar to the uniforms the janitor ghouls wore. 

Vernon. Yellow Line Train Conductor. Dwarf. Level 32. 

“Employees only,” Vernon said, not bothering to look up from his drink. “Passengers aren’t allowed in here. If you want to get to the other cars you gotta get out and go around at the next stop.” 

“That doesn’t seem very efficient,” Donut said. 

“Conductor?” I said. I thumbed over my shoulder. “Shouldn’t you be in that other train car?” 

“That’s the engineer,” Vernon said, looking up. “I don’t go in there, and he don’t come in here. Look, folks, I can’t let you through. The monsters follow the rules and don’t come in here. If they can do it, so can you.” 

“So what do you do, then?” Donut asked, ignoring his demands for us to leave. 

The dwarf took a long pull of his drink. “I take care of the train, and I am in charge of all the employees. That’s what I’m supposed to do. But the engineer doesn’t listen to me, the janitors try to eat me, and the porters are in their own little world. So what I do, miss talking cat, is I sit here and drink all day long until we reach the end of the line. Then I do it again.” 

I took a step deeper into the room. “So this train does circle around,” I said. 

“Porters?” Donut asked. “On a subway car?” 

Vernon blinked and looked at Donut again. I recognized that look. And here it comes. 

“Your majesty,” the train conductor said, stumbling to his feet. His drink went flying. He saluted her. “My apologies. I didn’t realize we had royalty onboard.” 

“It’s quite all right,” Donut said, immediately falling into her royal persona. “I know your job must be difficult dealing with all this filthy riffraff.” 

“Oh it is, your majesty. It really is difficult. So, uh, is there something I can do for you?” 

We were interrupted by two red dots entering the car from train six. It was a pair of Jikininki janitors, both of them holding a broom and dustbin. One made a moaning noise through his chattering teeth as they shuffled forward. Their mouths never stopped moving, like pistons. 

“Oh crap,” Katia said, stepping in front of me, but I held her back. 

I remembered the description, and it said they’d leave you alone if you left them alone.

“Get out of the way,” I said. “Let them through.” We pressed up against the wall as the monsters passed. Mongo shrieked in anger, but Donut hissed at the dinosaur to be good. The two ghouls didn’t even look at us as they proceeded up the train.  

“There must be a mess in one of the forward cars,” Vernon said. “I should see to that.” 

“Actually, Vernon,” Donut said. “We have a few questions about the train. I hope you can answer them for us.”

“Of course, your majesty,” he said. “How can I help?” 

I spoke instead of Donut. “You didn’t answer my question. So this train circles around? Where does it go after stop 435? Does it turn into a different line?” 

“Everyone has to get off at stop 435,” he said. “It’s the end of the line.” 

“I know that,” I said. “But what happens after that?” 

He suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable. “I can’t say.” 

“You can’t say? Or you won’t?”

“Look, you have to get off at 435. And you really should get off at 433. There’s a big transit hub there. There’s nothing after that. Stop 434 is out of service, and 435 is the end of the line.” 

“Vernon,” Donut said. “Why are you avoiding Carl’s question?” 

He looked as if he might bolt. But then he stood and walked around the bar and produced what looked like a jug of moonshine. I quickly examined the bottle, and it was regular moonshine, not the more expensive Rev-up Moonshine. Vernon took a swig directly from the bottle and sighed. “I’m sorry your majesty. I only know the rumors. The truth is, I don’t actually remember. We pull into station 435, and then everything gets fuzzy. And suddenly I’m standing on the platform of station 10, which is really just the yard. And I climb onto the train, and it all starts over again. I don’t even know how much time has passed.” 

“Huh,” I said. “That’s weird.” 

“It is,” he said. “Sometimes I talk to the others at the yard, but nobody knows. It’s the same with everyone. It’s always been this way.” 

I remembered that map of the Nightmare Express line. It had a stop number 436. “You said you’ve heard rumors. What are they?” 

“There’s a few,” he said. “Some of the guys, they say we’re in a time loop. I think they might be right, but only partially.” 

“What do you mean?” 

He showed us his forearm, which had a long scar running down it. “I got this a while back. A Brain Amoeba from stop 354. Chupacabre Station. I normally don’t go out there if they’re in the cabin, but I missed one, and it got me good. I was bleeding something fierce. If we were in a time loop, then I’d heal right back up when we jumped back to the yard. But I didn’t heal. If I’m hungry at the end of the line, I’m still hungry when we start over. Plus the passengers aren’t always the same. I can tell time is moving right. Sort of.” He tapped the bottle of moonshine. “But here’s the weird thing. The train is in a loop. I could pour this bottle of shine on the floor, and it’ll return to its spot on the shelf back there the next time around.” 

“So you’re blacking out and getting transported to the station, and the train is resetting each time? What about the rest of the crew? The zombie guys and the engineer and whoever else?”

“It’s just me and the porters standing on the station when I come to. The ghouls are different each time. They get on at station 12.” 

Station 12 was one of the stations that held staircases. “And the engineer?” 

He shrugged. “It’s the same guy. He might be getting off the same time as me, but I’m not sure. He’s always already on the train by the time I come to. But sometimes it’s a different guy, so I know he ain’t looping either.”

“That really is bizarre,” Katia said. “Is the engineer a dwarf like you?” 

“He ain’t no dwarf,” Vernon said. “They got all types running the trains. I’ve never actually seen the engineer, but based on his voice I think he’s human. Every new run I turn off the speakers in this cabin so I don’t gotta hear his voice. Humans got voices like a spike in my brain.”

“Don’t I know it,” Donut said.   

“There’s more, too. About the train I mean.” Vernon reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a thick bundle of papers. He dropped the papers on the bar. I stepped closer. The top sheet was a crude drawing of a female dwarf.

“It’s my wife,” he said. “I had this made before I took this job. I put the drawing on my bedside in my cabin. One day, I stuck it in my pocket.” He gestured at the pile. “Eventually, this happened.” 

The next paper was the same drawing. They were all the same drawing. Dozens of them. 

“I can only hold so many. But each time, I stick the drawing in my jacket, and when we start over, I still have the drawing, but the original is still in my cabin. It only works with stuff that was on the train on my first day. Including this.” He pulled a sack from his other pocket and poured several hundred gold coins onto the counter. “I had ten gold when I started. I had the coins on my nightstand.”

“Why don’t you leave?” I asked. “Go home the next time you end up at station 10?” 

He shrugged. “I ain’t trapped. Some of the guys at the yard do leave and go home, only to come back a few days later. If you tell the boss man you’re feeling sick, he’ll give you a day off. But when you come back, you better not bring anything you don’t want to lose unless you keep it on your person. The train still loops back to that first day. I’m sticking it out until I can’t hold anymore gold because I know the moment one of those other bastards finds out about my ten gold coins, they’ll try to weasel their way onto this train. No way I’m letting some greasy dwarf steal my magic gold supply while giving him such fine stroke material.” He gestured at the picture of his wife. “Each trip I get paid the equivalent of ten trips because of the money loop. I’ll eventually go home to my wife.” He started gathering his gold coins back up. “One day.” 

“Do you have a more extensive map?” I asked. “Like a map of the whole train system?” 

He chuckled. “A map of the entire Tangle? I don’t think there is such a thing. I don’t even have a map of the yellow line.” 

I felt the train slow and heard a muffled announcement. We were stopping at station #85. 

Vernon looked up. “The monsters are getting off. The next span isn’t so bad. We got Snakeheads at 86 and 87. They look the same, but they fight each other. Station 88 is Mothman Station, and a few of the Skinned Mollies get on. They’re pretty scary to look at, but they’re slow. 89 is a transit station. Yellow line and Indigo line.” 

“Indigo?” Katia said, perking up. “That’s where the daughters are.” But before I could come up with an excuse to stay away her face soured. “Nevermind, they’re on the Pink Striped line now.” 

“I don’t know where that one is,” Vernon said. “There’s a lot of colors.”  

“Do the monsters always get off every five stops?” I asked. 

“Yes. I don’t know why. They’re usually pretty excited about it too. Every five stops. They’re one-way stations. You can only get off, not on. Kind of like the transit stations, but opposite. I don’t know if you guys would be able to get on at five station. Probably, seeing how the barrier doesn’t work on you at the transit stations.” 

This guy was an invaluable source of information. I knew we’d never get this much out of him if we didn’t have Donut and her outrageous charm. 

“Do the monsters ever miss their stop or stay on?” 

He nodded. “I’ve seen it happen a few times. If one of the beasties misses his five station, he’ll usually get off the next stop if he can. They’re always in a big panic when that happens. Once a Goateo from station 212 tried to loop around. He stayed on all the way to the end of the line. It was the only time I’ve ever seen something remain on the train.” 

“So this mob managed to stay on the train?” I asked. “He was still there when you got back on?” 

“Sort of,” Vernon said. “His skeleton was still on the train. His skin and blood and hair wasn’t. Whatever happened after station 435 ended up killing him. It killed him a lot.”

“How do you communicate with the engineer?” I asked. 

He shook his head. “I don’t. I got a horn in my quarters, but it don’t work. He never responds.” 

“Do you ever just go in there to talk to him?” 

“Nope. It’s locked tighter than an elf’s bunghole. You need an engineer’s key to get in.” 

“Does he ever come out?” 

“I’ve never seen it. I’ve never even seen the interior of the engine train.” 

“How can we get him to come out?” Katia asked. 

“I’ve only heard of an engineer coming out of his train once,” Vernon said. “And that was under some pretty extreme circumstances.” 

“What was that?” I asked. 

“Derailment.” 

~

We ended up talking to Vernon for another hour while the train rocketed down the track. We asked about the 10th car, which was the porter car, but all he said was, “Those guys are crazy.” We also asked about the non-colored trains, which he didn’t know much about. Though he did say something interesting. While each colored line had hundreds of trains on a track at any given moment, he believed there was only one of the larger trains. He didn’t know much about the tracks and the system other than that. He knew there was a master controller hub, but it was only for each line, not the whole tangle. Trains did not cross tracks with other trains. The tracks worked like highways with the tunnels going above and below one another. I asked if there was a safe way to traverse the tracks, like a maintenance tunnel or walkway, and he just laughed. 

After every five stops, the train would be completely empty of monsters until the next stop. Donut, Mongo, and I decided to go check out the porter room after we hit station number 115. There’d been a lot of transit stations recently, but there weren’t many for the next long stretch. There wouldn’t be another until we hit station number 127, which gave us time to go exploring. According to Vernon, the monsters would break into both cars 15 and 10 if they knew we were there, but he insisted they’d never attack his car number five. But when he said it, I could tell he wasn’t certain. 

The time between stations varied greatly. Sometimes the stations would come one after another, coming every minute or two. And then there’d be a stretch of twenty minutes. It turned out the entire trip from stations 11 to 435 took three whole days, which was alarming. My initial instinct was that we needed to stay as close to the stairwells as possible, but I was starting to suspect we’d need to get ourselves to the end of the line to figure this out. We only had nine days.  

The good thing was if there truly was only one Nightmare Express line train, that meant it managed to make its large figure eight pattern in only an hour and a half. That meant we’d be able to end up back where we started fairly quickly if we decided it was necessary.  

We left Katia with the conductor. He was relaying to her everything he knew about each station, starting with station 11 and going all the way up to 435. He knew the monsters at each platform. He knew which ones were transit stations, but more importantly, he knew what specific colors and other lines connected at each transfer station. Katia was in turn giving this info to Mordecai, who grumbled and complained about being our secretary. But he did it. 

We had 10 minutes to go check out the porter car. Stop 116 contained a monster Vernon called Coronets. They used an aural attack.  

“What we really need to do is find a neighborhood boss and kill it,” Donut said as we peered into the empty car number six. We jogged down toward the next train. “They’re supposed to have maps. I bet the bigger the boss, the bigger the map.” 

She was right. As soon as we were done exploring the train, we’d get off at one of the non-transit hubs and try to find a boss. And if not there, we’d go to one of these mysterious five stations and explore.  

“Hey,” I said as we moved down the train. “Has Katia said anything to you about Hekla?” 

“What do you mean?” Donut asked. “I did ask Katia to tell Hekla some stuff for me. Hekla does this awesome ninja kick thing before she pops you in the face with her crossbow.” From my shoulder, Donut feigned a karate kick and made a little “Wah-chaw!” noise. “I wanted to know if she had a name for the move because it was so awesome. Katia asked her, and Hekla said it was now named the ‘Donut Kick.’ Isn’t that great?” 

“Just be careful, okay?” I said. “It’s good to share information about the trains, but don’t be giving other crawlers too much info about ourselves. Especially where we are.” 

“Why not?” 

I hesitated. I didn’t want to tell her the true reason for my concern. “We have bounties on our heads now, Donut. We need to be careful. Even with Hekla.” 

Donut looked as if she might object, but she didn’t say anything else. 

The note over the tenth car read Porters Only. Knock for Service. I tried the sliding door, but it was locked. It wasn’t magically locked like the engine car. It felt flimsy, and I knew I could force it if I had to. 

“Should I break in or knock?” I said. 

“Why be rude? Knock,” Donut said. 

I knocked, and the top half of the door slid open a half second later, startling me so much I almost fell backward. The enormous face of an NPC gleamed back at me. 

You’ve discovered the Yellow Line Reward Room! 

You may only collect one prize per crawler, per train line. 

Donut gasped in pleasure. The last reward room we’d found resulted in us getting Mongo. 

The large, moon-faced creature smiled back at the cat on my shoulder. He reminded me of Lurch from the Addam’s Family, but with a wider, pale face and hair that looked like it was made of dying moss. He wore the now-familiar uniform suit with a hat that read “Porter.” 

Pierre. Grapple. Yellow Line Porter. Level 25. 

This is a non-combatant NPC. 

A Grapple is your everyday quarter giant. Centuries ago when the High Elves discovered how subservient hill giants were, they immediately moved to capture and enslave their entire race. The problem with hill giants is that they’re pretty darn big, and they lack the fine motor skills to properly set out a dinner service. So a breeding system was implemented, crossing the hill giants with the almost-as-compliant Vegetal Ogrids. Their offspring were then culled of all but the most servile. These half giant mongrels were then further bred down with large humans, creating a slave race known as the Grapple. Grapple servants are common across the universe, but they do require close supervision. If you leave them alone for too long, they tend to get … squirrelly.      

“How may I help you?” Pierre the Porter asked. He spoke slowly with a gravelly voice. 

“Where’s our prize?” Donut demanded before I could think of something to say. 

This was not what I was expecting. Over Pierre’s shoulder, I could see a room full of shelves. On each shelf was racks and racks of suitcases. At the far end of the car stood a second Grapple porter, who leaned up against the door to train number 11. 

We only had about five more minutes before we’d hit the next stop. 

“What is your suitcase number?” 

You must choose a number between 1 and 200. You may only make one choice.  

“I’m suitcase number eight!” Donut said, excitement rising in her voice. “And my friend Katia says she’s number 12.” 

“Your friend must come and get her own suitcase,” the Porter said. He turned to me. “What is your number?” 

“I’m number one,” I said. 

“Very well,” he said. He turned and went down the line of shelves, pulling two suitcases. Case number one was a black roller bag, and Donut’s case number eight was a large, yellow case with flowers on it that looked straight from the 1960s.

“This is just like that show, Deal or No Deal,” Donut said. “We need to go back to the red line and get the prize on that train too!”

“Here you are. Have a nice day,” the Porter said, sliding the bags through. I grabbed each in turn. The little half door slammed closed, leaving us alone in the gangway. 

I tried to pull the bags into my inventory, and I received an error message. 

Prize cases must be opened before they can be added to your inventory. 

“Let’s open them now!” Donut said.

I grabbed the suitcases, one in each hand. “Not here. Let’s go back. We have to hurry.” We turned and jogged back up to car number five. I wanted to make sure we got into the conductor’s room before the monsters at the next station saw us. We made it just in time. 

Katia and Vernon looked up at us as we entered the room. 

Vernon shook his head. “Those crazy Grapplers are always mixing up everyone’s luggage.” 

“We gotta go back and get Katia’s suitcase, too!” Donut said. 

I tossed my case onto the counter next to the jar of moonshine. This was not like a loot box where it opened magically. I had to zip it open. I pulled the zipper around and opened the top, peering inside. 

“What is it? What is it?” Donut asked. 

I reached in and pulled out the red lingerie. The suitcase was full of women’s clothing, high-heel shoes, and a bunch of brochures about things to do in Delaware. 

“This is just someone’s suitcase,” I said. “It’s not a real prize.” 

“Wait, what’s that?” Donut asked, pointing to a bulge in one of the pockets. 

I opened it up, and I pulled out three potions. Two mana potions and something new. 

Invisibility Potion. 

Guess what this does. 

“Oh hell yeah,” I said. It now let me put everything into my inventory, including the suitcase and clothes. 

I felt the train finally start to slow as we reached station number 116. The announcement came, but I could barely hear it. I think he said this was called Banshee Station. 

“Do mine, do mine!” Donut said, hopping up and down on my shoulder. I pulled her suitcase onto the counter. Katia and Vernon stopped their discussion to come watch as I pulled the zipper on the case. 

YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THAT, BUCKO?

The notification was a type I’d never seen before. It surprised me enough that I stopped unzipping the bag and took a step back. 

Later, I would realize it was my Find Traps skill activating for the first time. At the moment, I had no idea what was happening. But then I noticed the suitcase. 

I’d unzipped it only a couple inches, but that was enough. The red, flaming ants poured from the hole, sweeping over the counter and surging at us. The drawings of Vernon’s wife were also on the counter, and the sheets of paper burst into flames.  

Literal Fire Ants. Level 1. 

This is a trap monster. 

Like regular fire ants, but with more enthusiasm. Plus they hate you and want you to die. They’re pretty good at making that happen.  

They just kept coming and coming, surging from the suitcase, which had burst into flames. Like the description said, they were just like regular ants, but on fire. There were suddenly thousands of them, more than the bag could really have held. They were fast. We all jumped back as the waves of insects spread forth, covering the bar in a matter of seconds. Flames rose wherever the bugs touched. Black smoke started to fill the car. 

The bottle of moonshine on the counter, sitting in the midst of the fire, blinked and then a notification appeared over it. Explosion Imminent. A red set of numbers rocketed toward zero.   

“Oh fuck,” I said. “Run!”

The moonshine bottle exploded, spreading flaming liquid throughout the car. Katia was thrown from her feet, and Mongo squealed in pain. The ceiling and walls were suddenly on fire, and the ants were everywhere. 

“Fuck,” I cried in pain, slapping myself in the face. 

“I’m on fire! Help! I’m on fire!” Donut screamed, her voice high-pitched and panicked. I pulled her from my shoulder and slapped at the flames on her tail, further burning my hand. She had two little ants on her. I smushed them between my fingers. 

“Go, go!” I cried, pointing toward the forward door as the ants surged at us. Katia’s health had blipped down, more than I expected. We’re not moving. The train is stopped at the station. Her momentum bonus isn’t active. 

Mongo glowed as he scrambled to his feet. Donut had cast Heal Pet on him. He squawked in fear. We all turned and ran toward the door. 

Vernon cried out. I looked over my shoulder as a flaming wave swept over him. And then he was just gone. An impossible amount of ants swelled, crawling up the walls, sweeping over the floor. More explosions echoed from behind the bar as bottles went up. 

We burst into car number four. Three tall, terrifying monsters turned at the intrusion. They looked like skinless, eyeless, human-sized jackrabbits walking on two legs. These were monsters from Banshee Station, who’d just gotten on moments before. 

The doors to the train were still open, but they’d close at any moment. 

“Out, out onto the platform!” I cried. I still clutched onto Donut.  

The first of the doors was right there, and I leaped through, hoping the others would make it in time. Mongo and Katia jumped through just as the doors snapped shut. 

The platform was empty. All of the rabbit monsters—the Coronets—had gotten on the train. The three monsters in train number four turned their eyeless heads toward us just as the train started to move. We watched in horror as the monsters were overwhelmed, one by one, by a creeping, crawling wave of flames. 

We stood there in silence on the platform as the train picked up speed and disappeared into the tunnel. As it rumbled away, I could still hear Vernon’s terrified, final screams echoing in my head. 

“That was the worst prize ever,” Donut said.