Chapters 113 and 114 (Patreon)

Chapter 113

The announcement came and went. There was nothing of significance. She spoke of the doubling of bounties for those who’d been on the list. She reminded us that sponsorship bidding was underway. There was a warning that just because we were outside that we shouldn’t use the big, wide world as a bathroom and that there were restrooms in the towns. But if we had to go while we were outside, they wouldn’t penalize us. We needed to announce that we were going to the bathroom out loud, wait five seconds, and then do our business. The idea was so ridiculous, it made me want to laugh.

All of us, including Mordecai, exited the personal space and walked into the Toe to find the other crawlers waiting for us. Louis and Firas, who were still drunk, plus Langley and the other five car salesmen-turned-archers all sat at the bar. The archer guys had all leveled one or two times each since we’d last talked. All eight crawlers looked at me expectantly.

Juice Box the changeling prostitute sat on Louis’s lap. She’d transformed into something… odd. Like a rodent/human hybrid, but with orange hair and a purple jumpsuit. Whatever it was, the resulting creature looked like Chuck E. Cheese in drag.

I sighed.

Mordecai: That changeling is a lot more powerful than she looks. It’s very odd. Do you see how easily she’s altering herself? It’s almost like she’s a doppelganger.

I examined Juice Box. The note over her head said she was a Ratkin Brood Mother Attendant, but as I watched, she turned more mouse-like, and it switched to Mouser Dame.

Carl: Are you sure she’s not a doppelganger?

Mordecai: Yes, I’m sure.

Carl: Do you guys have some sort of changeling spidey-sense or something?

Mordecai: You can see it in how she changes. She’s switching to the race and then altering the appearance to make it look like whatever the hell they’re requesting. It’s like dressing up stock photos instead of drawing something from scratch. Even if I had all my changeling abilities and wasn’t at half power, I still wouldn’t be able to do that.

Carl: She can’t be too strong. She’s only level 17.

Mordecai: That’s misleading. Regular crawlers who become changelings can only shift once every ten minutes. Shifting on demand is a skill unique to the race. She is easily the equivalent of level 15 in the Race Shifter Skill, and I’m willing to bet every one of these prostitutes in town is the same. A changeling who can switch that quickly is very dangerous. Remember, unlike doppelgangers, changelings gain some of the abilities of the race they’re mimicking. She can turn into a gorgon at the snap of the finger and hit you with a petrify spell, then switch to a rocksling to shatter your stone body into dust, and thenturn to a forge ogre and take that dust and pressurize it enough to make it a diamond. All before you could say “Ouch.”

Carl: Can she turn into a storm giant or something? Something like Grull?

Mordecai: No. There are mass limits, but it’s not nearly as strict as what Katia has to deal with. There are lots of weird, complicated rules. The stronger the monster they emulate, the lower the chance of being at full power. But there are still plenty of things she can turn into that will ruin your day.

Carl: So what you’re telling me is to be nice to Juice Box.

Mordecai: Yes. And all the other prostitutes. Be polite. And make sure all these scrubs understand it, too. Especially that Louis idiot.

I realized everyone was staring at me, so I started talking.

“There may be others in this quadrant, but if they’re alive, they probably just got their bell rung pretty bad,” I said. “So it might be just us dealing with that fortress.” I gave a worried glance at the dromedarian barkeep, who was watching us with interest. He was a pleasant enough guy, unlike most of the other camels. He’d given both Donut and Mongo treats, happily patting them on the head. Mongo was practically ready to leave us for him. However, this next part of the conversation involved doing something the camels would not like. We had to get out of his earshot.

“But first, we’re all going to get a tour of our personal space. We can talk more comfortably in there.”

“It’s called the Royal Palace of Princess Donut!” Donut added.

“Louis, look, it’s that cat again from the television,” Firas said.

I realized that while the two men had been drunk the first time we met them, they’d been mostly coherent and aware of their surroundings. In the nine hours since we’d last spoken, it appeared they’d managed to get themselves even more plastered. My initial instinct was to just kick them out of the Toe, but I was worried they’d do something extra stupid. Like cause the town to get obliterated like the other one. I needed to keep an eye on them until we figured out the whole picture.

Carl: Mordecai, I’m out of the alcohol cure potions. Do you have the stuff for more?

Mordecai: You read my mind. I’ll whip up a batch when we get inside. With my upgraded table, I can make a version that’s a little more potent.

“Let’s go see the space,” Louis said, standing up. Juice Box slid off his voluminous lap with a squeak. “I’ve always wanted to see how the other half lives.”

“Me too,” Juice Box said, jumping up.

“Oh, honey,” Donut said. “Not dressed like that you’re not.”

Juice Box patted Donut on the head. “You are just the most adorable thing I have ever seen. If you want, I can turn into a whatever it is you are and show you a great time. I’ve never done it with royalty before. No charge. It’d be great for my résumé. Are you some sort of long-haired dog?”

Louis and Firas both laughed.

All of Donut’s hair poofed out. “What did you just call me?”

I stepped forward to intervene. “Sorry, pretty lady,” I said to Juice Box. “The personal space is just for my friends here.” I tossed her a gold coin, which she deftly caught in midair. He hand moved so quickly it reminded me of viper strike. She didn’t turn her head to catch the coin, which gave me an unexpected and sudden chill.

“Can you do me a favor,” I said. “If you see any other non-locals like us around, let me know. I’ll give you a gold coin for each one you find.”

She, still in her Mouser form, turned her gaze from Donut and gave me a salute. She planted a smile on her face and rubbed Louis on the stomach. “Don’t forget our date tonight, big boy. Maybe I’ll try out that Nurse Joy person you were describing.”

“Come on,” I said, herding everybody toward the door. I had to go into the personal space menu and give each of them permission to enter. I could do it individually or by party. It only worked while they were standing next to me and at the door. There were multiple options. I went with the most restrictive setting, which was Enter One Time Only. May Not Interact With Environmental Upgrades. None of the settings allowed them to just enter whenever and from wherever they wanted. Even the most permissive setting required them to use the most recent saferoom to enter, and only when there was a resident occupying the room. None allowed them to enter if nobody was already in there. The only way to give someone carte blanche to come and go as they pleased from anywhere in the dungeon would be to put them in the party.

I noticed that Katia had been smart enough to remove everyone from Hekla’s team from the guest list, which was good, because I had completely forgotten that she had given them permission in the first place.

We all entered the personal space as they looked about in wonder. Langley and the other archers moved around, inspecting everything while Louis and Firas jumped onto the couch. The cleaner bot beeped mournfully as Firas put his boots on the little table.

“Where’s the bell?” Firas asked, his voice slurring.

“Bell?” I asked.

“You said something about a bell ringing.”

I took a deep breath and decided not to engage. “Okay, guys,” I said, waving everyone to sit. “As you probably noticed, the gnomes just bombed the hell out of that other town. Nobody knows why yet, but if I had to guess, it probably has something to do with whatever collateral they had in their town hall. Maybe some crawler in that other town ended up accidentally killing it or setting it free or something. Something changed that let the gnomes know the Bactrians no longer had collateral.”

“Hey, I have a question,” Firas said, raising his hand. The hand wavered in the air. Even from halfway across the room, I could smell the alcohol on both of them. I was reasonably certain alcohol wasn’t the only thing they were on.

Goddamnit. “Yes?”

“Yeah, we, like, don’t know what you’re talking about. What’s a Bactrian? What collateral? Where’s the bell?”

Earlier, I had been assuming that Firas was from the middle east somewhere and Louis was Spanish. It was now clear that both of them were fellow Americans.

“I had to put my car up as collateral for a loan once,” Louis said. “I used to lock it up in my old lady’s garage every night so they couldn’t repo it. The bastards got it anyway when I was at the club.”

“Bastards,” Firas agreed. He turned to look at Katia. “Do you work here? Do you have anything to drink? I’m almost out of gold.”

I was in the middle of renegotiating my personal vow not to outright murder fellow crawlers when Mordecai jumped across the room, landing heavily on the same side table Firas had his boots upon. The table shattered into pieces. Mordecai spread his wings out and leaned forward, glaring at the two wide-eyed crawlers. He lifted a claw, careful not to actually touch or make a movement toward either of them. Still, the razor-sharp talon glinted like a knife as he pointed it at each in turn.

“I want you two fuckwits to listen, and I want you both to listen very carefully. I don’t know how in the gods you survived this long, but I am about five seconds from telling my client to eviscerate both of you and to use your bodies as zombie meat shields. And don’t think she can’t do it. Isn’t that right, Donut?”

Donut growled.

“We are in a very dire situation here. But guess what? You two mouth breathers hit the survival lottery when you got put in the same quadrant as us, and you’re too stupid to even realize it. You can still get out of this, and you can still make it to the sixth floor if you take this seriously. If you don’t, you are doing more harm than good. And we do not have time for that. I have a drink that I am going to make for each of you, but it’s going to take about five minutes. So help me gods, if you two don’t shut the hell up and just listen, you will not survive long enough for me to make the potion for you.”

“Whoa, chill,” Louis said.

Firas looked at Louis. “Why did you tell the hooker to turn into a big bird? I ain’t banging anything from Sesame Street, man. That’s fucked up.”

“He’s an eagle. Dude, did you ever watch G.I. Joe? Remember the Indian guy? He had an eagle named Freedom.” He laughed. “That show was so damn racist.”

“No, I never really watched it. I saw the Muppets though. And that’s the same thing as Sesame Street.”

Louis almost jumped up from his seat, eyes going wide. He looked at the door. “G.I. Joe. The Baroness. That’d be a lot easier than Gadget.”

“It’d be better than this eagle, that’s for sure.”

“I’ll be back,” Mordecai said, sounding exasperated. He disappeared into the crafting room.

“You know what,” I said. “We’re going to wait for Mordecai to make your drinks.”

“Tell him to make us Dirty Shirleys,” Louis said.

Donut gasped. “You know about Dirty Shirleys?”

He laughed. “Yeah, we saw it on the recap show. Some dumb crawler got drunk on them and called out Lucia Mar. We use them now to see how good a bartender is. We get them as the first drink in every bar.”

Donut: IF I MAGIC MISSILE HIM IN THE HEAD, WILL I GET IN TROUBLE?

Carl: Yes. You’ll have to wait until we’re outside.

Katia: They are so drunk that if you cast your new fire wall spell anywhere in the room, their breath will likely ignite, and they will self-immolate. You probably wouldn’t get blamed for that.

Donut: YOU ARE A GENIUS. I’M GOING TO TRY IT.

Carl: No, you’re not.

Mordecai: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of the issue.

“Please,” Langley the Finnish archer said to Louis, speaking for the first time. “You must be serious. This is very serious. Listen to Carl.”

Louis turned to the archer. “We are taking it seriously. We made it this far haven’t we?”

As we waited for Mordecai to return, I sent a message to Elle and asked her if they also had a bunch of dumbass crawlers in her group. I knew the chat was public now, but I didn’t care. Team Meadow Lark had managed to secure another type of boat, a galley with fish-people rowers. They were probing the defenses of their assigned castle, an orc-run oil rig that shot fireballs at anybody who came close

Elle: We’re the only ones in the water quadrant. We’ve seen the people on the land, but we haven’t talked to any of them. Their castle is similar to ours. It’s an oil refinery. The whole bubble is some stupid story about how we earthlings ruined our own planet. I think the air castle is just a storm cloud that rains acid. You get saddled with a bunch of layabouts?

Carl: You don’t even want to know.

“How did you two make it this far?” Katia asked Louis and Firas.

“He has a spell,” Firas said. “He got it for being the first crawler to drive a van into the dungeon.”

“You drove a van into the dungeon?” I asked. “I thought all the vehicles collapsed.”

“Not the convertibles,” Louis said proudly. “I had the top off when it happened. And I didn’t see the stairwell until I was on top of it. It was right in the middle of 95. I was so fucked up, I didn’t know what was happening. The road was all jacked all of a sudden. It was a bumpy ride. I saw the glowing entrance. Slammed the brakes, but it didn’t matter. I slid right in. Broke the axle. But it made it down the stairs and hit those doors and crashed right into the dungeon.”

Mordecai returned, holding a pair of potions in a talon. They were not the regular alcohol cure potions. These were white with little frothy bubbles. I was about to examine one of them when the ridiculousness of what Louis said struck me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “A convertible van? Like a cargo van with the top off?”

“Yeah man, it was sweet. It was my mom’s Chevy Astro. We took the top off. My friend Jojo saw this thing online on how to pimp out vans into convertibles, so we did it. My mom got really mad, but it got like 100 thousand likes on Instagram.”

“Where are you from? Wasn’t it snowing?”

“Nah, man,” Louis said. “We didn’t get much snow in Miami. It was cold as shit, though. It was like five in the morning when it happened, too. I was driving back from Jojo’s. Saved my life.”

“Are you from Florida, too?” I asked Firas.

“Nah. Michigan. But we met up on the second floor.”

“How old are you?” Katia asked Louis, looking at the balding, overweight man up and down.

“I’m 27. How old are you, Punky Brewster?”

“What’s the spell?” I asked. “And what happened to your van? Did you take any of the parts?”

Mordecai handed each of the two men a potion. “Drink it.”

Louis looked at the potion dubiously. But he shrugged and downed it. “Van was wrecked. Why would I take any parts? It’s not like I can build another Chevy Astro in the dungeon. Oh, so the spell is pretty badass. Check it out. It’s called Cloud of Exhaust. We don’t have to fight shit when I cast it. And Firas has his escape spell if we get in trouble. It’s called Puddle Jumper.”

“What level is your Cloud of Exhaust?” Mordecai asked sharply.

“Why’s the description on the potion blank?” Firas asked, holding the white potion up to the light.

“Oh man, my head hurts. Cloud spell is Level 11,” Louis said. “I have to use it a lot. It has a ten-minute cooldown, though. Seriously, I think I’m going to be sick.”

“You’ll be fine in a minute. Cloud of Exhaust’s cooldown is normally an hour,” Mordecai said. “Drink the potion, Firas. It won’t hurt you.”

Louis shrugged. He was starting to look a little green. “Yeah, so my Pest Control class makes it so cloud-based spells or something have faster cooldowns. And are more effective. My guide guy said the only way I could possibly live was to choose that class. He was a dick. Kinda like you.”

“You sound like you had a competent guide who did the best he could,” Mordecai said.

“Yo, man. Something’s weird,” Firas said. “I don’t think we should take these potions.”

“And you just paralyze whole groups of mobs and Puddle Jump out of there?” Mordecai asked. “You don’t kill them when they’re seized up?”

“Nah,” Louis said. “Sometimes we do, but they wake up after you hit them. Some of those higher-level mobs, especially on the last floor, take a lot of hits to kill. We usually just spray and run. The spell was really effective in those tunnels and on the trains.”

“Did you drink yours already?” Firas said.

“He did. And he’s fine,” Mordecai said. “He’s not drunk anymore, are you Louis?”

“Nah, man. That sobered me up real quick. I still feel sick though.”

“You still have alcohol in your system. Don’t worry. It won’t be long.”

“You sure I should take this?” Firas asked. “There’s no description. I’ve never seen that.”

Carl: You’re not poisoning him, are you?

Mordecai: No. Well, sort of. But it’s the good kind of poisoning. Trust me.

“Jesus dude, just drink it,” I said. “We’re all waiting on you.”

Firas downed the potion at the same moment Louis projectile vomited all over the floor.

The cleaner bot let out an angry trill.

~

Mordecai: Okay, here’s the deal with these assholes. Louis has an enhanced, legendary-tier spell called Cloud of Exhaust. It has a high-probability to knock out mobs for a variable amount of time, depending on the level difference. I don’t remember the specifics, but even high-level mobs will get conked out for a little bit. They’ll wake up the moment they’re touched. But any damage to them is enhanced for an additional thirty seconds after they wake. It’s one of those spells that helps guarantee that you’ll breeze through all the early floors. I’m almost certain it’s the same spell the goat lady Miriam Dom has. But instead of utilizing this like she has, these two idiots have been fleeing every encounter. It worked fine for them at first, but now they’re screwed. That moron doesn’t even realize what he has. He should be level 40 by now, at least.

I barely registered what Mordecai had said. The two crawlers were still on their hands and knees, scream-vomiting on the floor. Neither had stopped for several minutes. It reminded me of that week of leave we got after boot. Those of us without families spent it in Philadelphia drinking until we blacked out.

Carl: Mordecai, what the hell did you give them?

Mordecai: They’ll be fine. It’s called Rapid Detox. Clears them of alcohol and any negative effects of most drugs. Works great. It makes it so certain toxins will no longer affect them. It only lasts for a single floor.

Carl: So they can’t get drunk anymore?

Mordecai: Or high. And if they do drink, they become violently ill. It’s used to treat alcoholism.

Katia: Why couldn’t he read the description?

Mordecai: I added sage beetle ichor. It disguises potions, but it makes it so they go bad after an hour. It’s a good hack. Some places will have protections against the use of certain types of potions. Like battle arenas where you can’t use health pots. But if the potion is treated with the ichor, it makes it usable again.

“Christ, man,” Louis said, standing up on unsteady legs. He was still breathing heavily.

“Can we get on with this now?” I asked.

“I just got a notification that says I can’t drink anymore,” Louis said. His voice turned to a whisper. “Not cool, man. Not cool. It’s all I got left.”

“That’s not true. You still have your date with Juice Box,” said Donut.

Chapter 114

When the second, pale sun rose, it moved rapidly across the sky, closing in on the larger, yellow sun. This second sun was much smaller, but it caused the temperature to rise about twenty degrees. Once the two stars met in the sky, the sandstorm would start. I was never a physics guy, and I didn’t know if this sun thing mimicked any sort of real, or possible, orbital pattern. After talking with Imani and Elle, I knew this light/day pattern was exclusive to this bubble, so it was all an illusion anyway, all projected onto the bubble wall.

I shielded my eyes, looking for the Wasteland. I couldn’t see it at all from here, which meant it’d already hit the outer ring. The entire town was talking about the destruction of the other town, though not even Donut could get anything out of the camels or the changelings about whyit happened.

The stars might not be real, but the sudden rise in temperature was no joke. It was so hot outside, it was difficult to breathe. The camels did not deploy the city-wide awning. They saved it for the sandstorm, which was unfortunate. All the town’s outside activity ground to a halt. Everyone stayed inside, though the temperature wasn’t much better inside the bars. Outside of town, the Thorny Devil mobs were replaced with something else. These were Donut-sized, fast-moving things called Dune Scythes. There were a lot of them outside the town’s walls, their red dots swarming about. I had no real desire to go out and face them, but I knew fighting them would be inevitable.

“We’re going to need to install air conditioning on the Royal Chariot,” I said as I leaned against the back of the adobe building. We stood in the alley between two inns, facing the back of the town hall, which was behind the two buildings across the street. The closer alleyway was mere feet from the back of the Town Hall, and we didn’t want to get that close.

Katia was there in that closer alleyway, leaned up against a metallic mechanism that snaked around the building that backed into the town hall. She was pretending to be a long, attached pipe, which gave her a raised view of the back door. She said the mechanism attached to the building’s side was pumping cold air to the residents within.

“This is unbearable,” Donut said from my shoulder. “My paws are sweating.”

“Cats don’t sweat,” I said. Mordecai was making us a temperature control potion. It wouldn’t be ready until later, and we couldn’t wait, so we were doing this now.

“If cats don’t sweat, explain this, Carl,” Donut said, rubbing her paw on my neck. I couldn’t tell if it was wet or not since my entire body was drenched. I had a sweating problem. At the gym, I was one of those guys who left a puddle everywhere. I couldn’t help it, and right now my skin was doing a pretty good faucet impersonation.

“Shush,” I said. “Someone’s coming out.”

We’d noticed earlier there were two entrances to the town hall. The main entrance, which nobody seemed to use, and the back entrance we now faced. We watched as a dromedarian opened the door, tied his headscarf tightly around his head, and loped away. I froze as the creature strode right past Katia, but he didn’t pause. As the door closed, I caught sight of two guards standing inside. These were Waster Patrol dromedarians. Level 48 each.

The other camel turned left onto the street and disappeared, rounding the bend toward Weird Shit Alley.

Carl: Did you get a good enough look?

Katia: Yes. The guy who just left is named Henrik. He’s just a regular level 30, but we have a problem. He showed some sort of ID to the guard before he left. In a town full of shapeshifters, it makes sense to have extra security I guess. Good news is, while the door was open, I could see the interior map for a minute. There are two guards at the back door, two more at the front, three more walking around inside plus a few spread out in random offices on the higher floors. There’s a small room inside that looks like it leads down into a basement. There are two more guards at that door. I can’t see past that. There’s at least 12 camels in there.

Goddamnit.

Carl: We’ll have to go with plan B.

Katia’s plan had been to get a good look at the next dromedarian to leave, emulate his clothes and looks the best she could, and “return” inside just to get a quick peek. But with so many guards wandering about—guards who were likely on high alert—that plan wasn’t going to work.

This was a problem. The whole building was high security, and if we did breach, odds were good we’d only be able to do it once. We had no idea what was hidden inside, nor did we know what we were going to do about it once we learned. If it turned out to be the gnome leader’s child or something, our best move was to leave him be for the moment. If my dual-stage rocket idea worked out, we wouldn’t need to deal with this collateral storyline at all.

Carl: Did you see any guards on the second or third level?

Katia: Just the offices. There’s a camel in half of them. The second floor is less crowded than the third.

We’d learned from the Toe’s barkeeper that the citizens did not rest during the two-hour night. Instead, they mostly slept in the hot hours before the sandstorm started. And with less people out on the streets, now was the best time to infiltrate the building.

I took a deep breath. This is a terrible idea. But short of going in there and just killing all the camel NPCs, I couldn’t see an alternative. Not when we were under such a time crunch. Gwendolyn’s team was building siege engines to breach the walls on the land quadrant, but she was worried they didn’t have enough people to assault the sand castle of the “Mad Dune Mage.” We hadn’t heard shit from either of the other two quadrants. We had to get this done now.

Carl: Louis. We’re going with the frog plan. You’re up. Firas, you too.

Louis: Fuck, man. Really?

Carl: Come on. Hurry up.

Both Louis and Firas were inside the tavern next door. The two crawlers had been pouting about Mordecai’s potion, but the men were much easier to deal with when they were sober. Firas was much quieter and more introspective. He’d worked as a car detailer and audio installer before this. His Hammersmith class was melee-focused, specializing in hammer-based weapons and abilities. The only weapon he actually had was an intelligence-enhanced mace designed for a cleric. But his Puddle Jumper spell was at level 10, much higher than Donut’s six.

Sober Louis was still an ass. I was pretty sure the guy never had a job in his life. He wouldn’t shut up about cartoons I’d never heard of. When he’d found out Katia was from Iceland, he started calling her “Lazy Town.” I had no idea why. He and Donut found common ground, however. Despite pretending to hate the show, Donut knew quite a bit about the 80’s program Knight Rider, much to Louis’s delight.

I’d much rather have one of Langley’s guys in on this, but that group wasn’t very useful here. I had them all using their car-selling skills. On my word, they’d all ascend to the rooftops and cover our escape if everything went sideways. In the meantime, they went to work, the six of them spreading out to the different bars. The taverns would be mostly empty at this hour, but that was okay. Mordecai was currently doing the same. At this moment, he was sitting inside the Toe, drinking blood wine, telling the second-shift bartender about the group of grulke toad soldiers he’d seen out in the desert.

The second floor of Town Hall was ringed by exterior balconies. Katia said the one facing the alley was attached to an office that appeared to be empty. We decided to keep Katia outside and hidden while Donut, Louis, Firas, and I all puddle jumped to the terrace. Since the cooldown of Puddle Jumper was five hours, we’d use Firas for the casting, and we’d save Donut for our escape.

At level 10, the casting of the spell was instantaneous. He said he could “probably” teleport us through the closed door, but I didn’t trust him.

“Okay, once we’re in there,” I whispered, “keep your mouths shut. If someone sees us, we’re gonna have to kill them. The camels are assholes, but I want to avoid that if possible. So listen to me or Donut and do as you’re told.”

They both nodded. I waited for Katia to give the all-clear, and Firas cast his spell, teleporting us to the balcony. Part of me was shocked it actually worked. All four of us crowded onto the metal railing. We all crouched down, trying to make ourselves look smaller. Above, the twin suns beat down onto us. I saw a single dromedarian from up here, two streets over, but his back was turned. We needed to hurry.

A tall set of double doors led into the interior of the building. I grabbed the handle and tried to turn it, but it was locked. This was a thick, metal-reinforced security door, but thankfully it wasn’t magically locked.

“Door,” I said to Donut. “And wait a few seconds before you withdraw the spell this time.”

We’d practiced this a little bit. The last time we tried it, Donut had almost lopped my hand off. She cast Hole just above the handle. Thanks to her Glass Cannon class, the spell was significantly more powerful on this floor. The hole reached all the way through the thick door. I reached in, found the bolt, and I slowly turned it. The door opened with a click. I retracted my hand, and I peered inside, looking for threats. I saw nothing in the office. Donut snapped off the spell.

“Remember when we cut that guy’s head off?” Donut whispered as we sneaked into the empty room.

“Yeah, I still have that guy’s head in my inventory,” I said. Louis and Firas stumbled in after me. Louis was sweating so profusely, he had to be losing an ounce of water weight a minute. I pushed the door closed. This office didn’t appear to be in regular use. There was a large, camel-sized desk and chair,  a table with nothing on it, and an open and empty chest. The walls were made of wooden pillars. The floors creaked with each step. A complicated system of brass pipes ran along the interior wall. They looked to be either part of a steampunk-style AC, or an old-school pneumatic tube messaging system.

Now that we were inside, my map populated with everything on the floor. There were multiple offices on this level, and only one appeared to be occupied. The three roaming guards moved through the hallways, though they hit the down stairwell and disappeared from my map.

“Be careful before you step,” I said, moving as quietly as I could to the desk. I had a few buffs that disguised my footsteps. Louis and Firas had nothing, and they both stood there with their arms out, like they were surfing. “Let’s wait until the roaming guards return and go upstairs, and then we’ll move. Louis, be ready.” Louis nodded, not saying anything for the first time ever.

I rifled through the desk, looting everything that wasn’t bolted down. It wasn’t much. I took the chair. I knew I could easily lift the desk, but I didn’t want to risk making a loud noise.

Katia: The three guards just stepped outside. They’re smoking cigarettes and talking, huddling against the wall in the shade from the balconies. I think they’re taking a break. When the door was open, I could see the four of you and one more camel on the second floor. Your path to the room with the basement is clear. Go now. I’ll warn you if they come back in.

I hesitated. This wasn’t the plan. The three guards could walk back in at any moment.

Katia: Oh shit, I see several more camels out there. They’re making their way down the street. I think it’s a shift change. Unless you want to sit there for the next hour while everyone gets settled, go now.

Louis moved, and the floorboard creaked loudly. Damnit, I thought. We couldn’t wait.

“All right, we’re moving out,” I said. “We can’t disguise our steps on these floors, so walk with calm purpose. Not fast, not slow.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Firas said.

“Just follow me,” I said. I strode out the door, revealing a long hallway. A row of paintings hung on the wall, each portraying the image of a stuffy, bored-looking camel. The wood floor was covered with a runner carpet, long and intricately patterned. The building was noticeably cooler. We walked down the hallway and down the stairs.

We quickly crossed the hallway at the bottom of the stairs, which branched off toward both exits. The guards at either end did not see us as we walked past. We passed a few open rooms, a small kitchen, and  then we came to a fortified door at the end of the hall.

“Okay, same thing,” I whispered. “There are two guards on the other side of this door, so we have to do it quickly. Donut will cast her Hole, and you’ll cast your Cloud spell. You have to wait until after their dots turn red. I’ll take care of that. Don’t step in front of the hole in the door. We don’t want them seeing you. Once they’re down, I’ll try to open the door.”

Louis looked as if he was about to pass out. I didn’t know how this guy had managed to make it this far. He cracked his neck and hopped back and forth on his legs like he was getting ready to run a sprint. “Do it.”

Donut cast Hole, and I tossed one of my new sparklers through the opening. I’d discovered them while trying to make lower-powered explosives. All they consisted of was a wick and fuse from a hob lobber. They did hardly any damage. They made very little sound. But they shot sparks everywhere for a good five seconds. The crackling flickers shot off like angry hornets, stinging when they hit.

“Now,” I hissed the moment the two dots turned red.

Louis flung his arms forward, casting his spell. I stood off to the side, but in that moment, I saw the distinctive shape of a camel. He was sitting at a table, holding playing cards in his hands, covering his face in surprise at the sparkler attack. A heavy spear was leaned up against the wall.

A deep, black smoke filled the room. The two camels within collapsed. One of them knocked over something, probably the damn card table, and a loud crash echoed throughout the hallway.

“Fuck,” I whispered. I put my arm through the hole and reached desperately for the latch. Only there was no bolt to turn. It was just a key hole. And it was higher than I expected. It did not line up with the key hole on this side. There were two bolts, I realized. One had to unlock it from both sides to open the door.

“Shit, I can’t get the door open,” I said, retracting my arm.

“What was that?” A voice echoed down the hall.

“I don’t know,” another called. These were the guards from the front and back talking to one another. We had less than a minute before they’d wander down the hall to look in our direction.

“I’m gonna have to blow the door,” I said. “Everybody step back.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Carl,” Donut said. “Watch this.”

She snapped off her Hole spell. She cast it again, but this time she placed it a few inches to the right, so the disappearing part of the hole included the two deadbolts and part of the wall and door jamb. The spell currently had an effective depth of about eight inches, which was plenty thick. She pushed at the door, and it swung open easily. There was a half-moon bite taken out of the door. The second half of the hole remained in the wall.

“What the hell?” I said. “Why haven’t we been doing it like this the whole time?”

I pushed my way into the room as the black smoke billowed out.

“How long does the smoke last?” I asked, waving at it, suddenly alarmed. It was much thicker than I’d realized it’d be. Unlike with my smoke bombs, I couldn’t see shit. It stank like diesel exhaust. I didn’t want to move deeper into the room in fear of touching one of the two camels. They woke up the moment you touched them.

“It’s only a minute.”

I heard steps. A camel was coming to investigate. “Shit, they’re going to see the smoke.”

The smoke started to dissipate. I could now see the two forms on the ground, though there was something off about them. I pushed the door closed. “Turn off your hole, Donut.”

“Really, Carl. You need to find a less offensive way to say that.”

Shouting rose from down the hall.

Katia: A guard just opened the door and yelled something. All of the camels are pouring inside. You have about 15 of them coming at you.

“Goddamnit, Donut. Kill the spell.”

She killed the spell.

That ended up being a mistake. The moment it happened, I realized why we shouldn’t ever use the Hole spell to break open doors if we wanted to ever utilize said doors again. I’d either pushed the door closed too tightly, or not tightly enough, but when the missing part of the door reappeared from wherever it went, the bolts weren’t perfectly lined up with how they’d been before. The door cracked loudly and then swung back open. Two hunks of metal—pieces of the actual bolts, I realized—fell to the floor. The whole side of the door looked as if I’d hit it with a small charge.

“Well that was unexpected,” Donut said. “Carl, what did you do? If you were going to do that, you should’ve just blown it up.”

“Oh shit, oh shit,” Louis said. “What’re we going to do? Cat, you gotta teleport us out!”

I rolled a goblin smoke bomb down the hall and then pushed the free-swinging door back closed. I pulled one of the heavy chocks from the subway level. I leaned it against the entrance and pushed the brace against the ceiling. They’d have to work hard to get in here now. But we were also trapped.

“You two, be useful and hold this closed.”

Louis and Firas jumped up and leaned against the door. Louis whimpered. Their presence against the door probably didn’t help, but it gave them something to do.

I returned my gaze to the room, focusing on the two passed-out dromedarians. Only they weren’t dromedarians anymore.

“What the shit?”

These were changelings. They’d both reverted to their faceless, humanoid form. The one I’d seen just a moment ago playing cards was passed out on the floor, cards spread out all around him, only now he was much smaller. His head pulsed with an odd, sapphire luminescence, almost like a jellyfish.

I examined his properties. He had a 50-second timer over his head, which was significantly shorter than we’d anticipated, even with the level discrepancy between Louis and the mob. Louis said they were usually out for over five minutes.

Svern – Changeling Principal. Level 49.

This mob is Exhaust-ed.

Have you ever visited the home of an elderly widow and seen her collection of miniature spoons? Or thimbles? Maybe they’re refrigerator magnets, or salt and pepper shakers. It’s always something. They’re all part of a set. There’s a display case involved, with a special slot for each one. It was ambitious of her to buy the case before it was filled. It sits there in her home, a layer of dust atop it where she can no longer reach. A shrine to youthful optimism.

Inevitably, as life steamrolls on, she’s become more concerned with what is missing from her collection than what she already has. That ashtray from Niagara Falls was a hard-won souvenir, sitting proudly next to the one from Branson. But the moment it was obtained, it lost its value. And now all she thinks about is that empty space, right there. Right next to Graceland. It eats at her.

It is a totem of everything she did not accomplish. Her failures. She stares at it, sometimes. That space. That damn, empty space. All she wants is to fill it.

That is both the curse and the driving force of the Changeling Principal.

Carl: What the fuck is a Changeling Principal? The description is some high school essay bullshit.

Mordecai: Ah, shit. Damn. I should have known.

Carl: Explain. The guards were these things, pretending to be camels. Now I’m wondering if all the camels are shapeshifters. No wonder everybody hates you guys.

The door crashed, but it held firm. Louis cried out in fear. Firas gritted his teeth. We didn’t have long.

Mordecai: They’re rare. It’s an old story I haven’t seen used in a long, long time. They’re a sect of changeling culture. Sometimes they give them new, special powers. Cultish, kind of like those city elves from the third floor, but less apocalyptic and more power-hungry. They are obsessed with getting a full library. Changelings can only change into something they’ve physically touched, so they seek out rare creatures.

Carl: Any special way to kill them when they’re in their weird, faceless form?

Mordecai: Get the brain. The glowing part. If you kill one, take the head. I can make a cool potion from it. It only works if it’s not transformed when you kill it. Try to knock them out first. Sometimes that makes them revert form.

What any of this had to do with the damn gnomes was beyond me, but I strongly suspected whatever was going on right now was a mirror of what had happened over in the Bactrian town. The crawlers had fucked up the City Hall quest, just like we were in the middle of doing.

The original plan was to get in and out without being noticed or hurting any of the NPCs. And if we had to do something with the collateral, we had a plan to shift the blame. But with this changeling fuckery, we couldn’t afford to be diplomatic. I activated Talon Strike and smashed down on Svern’s head with my foot. The Exhausted debuff disappeared, but I hit him again before he could react, stunning him all over again. I hit him one more time, killing the level 49 monster. The moment he died, the body shriveled like a raisin, all except the round head. I picked the whole thing up, sticking it into my inventory.

There was another door here. A trap door, leading down to whatever it was they were protecting. We’d get to that in a second. The second changeling guard had less than 15 seconds left until he reawakened.

“You two. Kill the other one. Hurry.”

“What?” Louis asked, horrified. “He’s going to wake up the second I hit him.”

“He’s going to wake up anyway. Hurry the hell up. Hit him in the head.”

Firas pulled his mace, and Louis pulled his weapon: a glowing baseball bat covered in spikes. I leaned up against the chock as it banged again.

Carl: Donut, kill him the moment he wakes up. A full-power missile to the head. Just make sure they each get a few hits in.

Donut: HE’S BOSS LEVEL STRONG. WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK?

I didn’t get a chance to answer. Firas took his mace and smashed it as hard as he could directly into the changeling just as the timer ran out. Louis smacked him with the bat. Both of them pummeled it in the head a few times. The spell enhanced the damage for several seconds, but they barely caused the creature’s health to fall at all.

Donut slammed it in the head with a point-blank, double strength Magic Missile. It almost killed him. She quickly hit him again. That worked. Luminescent, blue material splattered over the room like she’d broken open a glo stick.

“Stay in the room,” I said as I pulled open the trap door. I was assaulted by a blast of fetid-smelling cold air. “And get back to the chock. Hold it closed.”

The two both returned to their spots against the metal blockage. “I went up two levels,” Louis said to Firas, who had also gone up to level 24.

Katia: There’s a bell ringing now. The camels are coming out.

I could hear the bell through the walls.

Carl: Stay put. We’re almost done. I hope.

“Donut, pull out Mongo and stay up here.” I pointed at the solid, left wall. It led to the outside. “We’re going to escape that way. If they breach before I come back up, go without me. Try not to let them see you, but if they do, flee. Don’t fight. We’ll meet back up at the saferoom.”

She started to protest, but I quickly descended the stairs into the darkness.

~

I lit a torch and dropped it. It fell to the bottom of the short ladder, and it filled the cavern with light.

The shape of the room appeared on my map. It wasn’t big. There didn’t appear to be anyone else in here.

Mongo appeared at the top of the trapdoor and squawked at me. “Stay up there,” I said.

The ground was stone, carved with symbols that looked like Egyptian hieroglyphs. I was standing atop the tomb. The ceiling was low enough that I had to stoop. There was no way a camel could fit in here. There was a table, and a small chair. On the table was a roll of paper. I picked it up.

Map. The Necropolis of Anser.

You’ve discovered the catacomb plans. The information has been added to your map and to the map of everyone in your party.

“Shit,” I said as the scroll dissipated into dust. The minimap showing the area below my feet populated. I zoomed the map out, revealing a maze that made the map of the Iron Tangle look like child’s play. Fuck me.

There was also a small bowl on the table. It had a trio of shriveled, black plants within. Mushrooms, I realized. Not the kind you eat. At least not for food. I pulled the bowl into my inventory. Then I took the table and chair.

Katia: Something odd just happened. Two of the level-30 camels wanted into the town hall, but another camel stopped them. It was one of the waster guards. They fought, and the guard camel killed them both. He dragged their bodies inside.

Carl: Did they stay camels when they died?

Katia: Uh, yeah. Why?

Carl: I’ll explain later.

Donut: HURRY UP, CARL. I CAN HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT HITTING THE DOOR WITH A MISSILE.

I could now see the room went on even further than I realized. What I thought was the end of the chamber was actually the boundary line to the subterranean zone. Even with the map, I wouldn’t be allowed in there. Not until we dealt with the gnomish castle.

But I also noticed something else. The white dot of an NPC. It was on the other side of the barrier, so I wouldn’t be able to get to him.

“Hello?” I called. The back of the room was filled with shadow.

“Henrik? Is that you? Back so soon?” a voice croaked. “I heard fighting. Who will you pretend to be today? My mother, perhaps? The last dose has not worn off yet. If you feed me more, it might kill me this time. I can only hope.”

I couldn’t see the creature, but the voice was similar to that of a Bopca.

I was about to light another torch when I saw the lantern hanging from the ceiling. It had a tiny flame within, like a pilot light. I turned the handle, and the whole room lit up.

The shimmering wall of the quadrant boundary appeared. And just past it, tied up in chains to the wall was an elderly gnome. The creature was not wearing the red hat, and he looked sickly and pale. He had scabs on his face, and he looked half starved to death.

Wynne. Dirigible Gnome Flesh Mechanic. Level 50.

The Dirigible Gnomes were once a peaceful race. All they ever wanted was two things. One, to figure out how the world worked. And two, to be left alone.

In order to escape a busy, teeming world filled with competing intelligent species, all of whom loved to wage war, the Dirigible Gnomes learned how to take to the clouds, building a variety of airships and floating settlements, allowing them to escape any sort of trouble.

But as we all know, trouble doesn’t care if you don’t want to be found.

The history of the Dirigible Gnomes is long, complicated, and tragic. But the end result is the inevitable result of all peaceful races. They were, eventually, forced to choose between fighting or being wiped out. They chose to fight.

Wynne is the great and favored uncle of Commandant Kane of the Dreadnaught Wasteland. He is a Flesh Mechanic, a healer gifted with the ability to bring the long dead back to life, if only temporarily. He is being held as hostage by the Dromedarians, as a guarantee of peace.

Quest Complete. Stay out of city hall.

I now had more questions than answers. What had seemed so simple at first was now shaping into a complicated story. The dromedarians had this gnome guy as hostage. But it appeared the changelings had infiltrated the ranks of the camels, and they had their own interests in the gnome. And I still had no idea how I could use this information to get my ass into the throne room of the Wasteland, thousands of feet into the sky.

If I can get him out of those chains, we can take him. Talk ourselves onto the flying platform.

As if it was reading my mind, the system gave me an update.

New Quest. Free Wynne from his bondage.

Wynne the Dirigible Gnome is in chains. Free him, and he will provide easy access to the Wasteland.

Reward: You will receive a Silver Quest Box.

Katia: Nice. Now get the hell out of there.

Donut: CARL. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING DOWN THERE BUT YOU NEED TO GET BACK UP HERE BEFORE LOUIS DIES OF A HEART ATTACK.

I couldn’t approach him. I had an idea, but it would require Donut. I started to call her, but I paused the moment I saw the group of five blue dots on the map.

Crawlers. On the subterranean side. They were running down a hall toward me, coming fast.

“A human?” Wynne said, looking in my direction. “That’s a new one, Henrik. Do you think a human can talk me into revealing the spell?”

“It’s this way,” a voice cried. A man. The five crawlers rushed into the chamber, emerging out of the darkness. All five were male. All levels 23 to 26. It was an eclectic group. Three were human. One was an odd creature with a human head and torso, but the body of a tarantula. I didn’t know what the hell the last guy was. He looked like a dude wearing a goddamn banana costume.

“You bastard. You goddamn bastard,” a man said before I could say anything. “You destroyed the map.”

I examined the man.

Crawler #4,778,551. “Low Thi.”
Level 25.
Race: Human.
Class: D-Bag Geek.

“Hello to you, too,” I said. D-Bag Geek? Really? “The map was on the table back here out of your reach. It disappeared the moment I picked it up. It installed itself into my system.”

“Well, we’re now fucked. There were two maps, and we lost both of them. This place is a goddamn nightmare. We’re all that’s left.”

“It’s Carl,” another crawler said. This was another human named Tyler Storm. A level 26 Weather Engineer.

“It’s not really a human,” Wynne said, looking between me and the newcomers. “He’s a changeling named Henrik! He’s torturing me, trying to get me to cast a spell that would give flesh to Quetzalcoatlus. He drugs me, and I won’t last much longer. I have the map to the temple. I know of your kind. If you kill me, you will have access. You can take it from me. Kill me. Kill me fast!”

“No,” I said as Low Thi pulled a spear from his inventory. He raised it and pointed it at the gnome’s head. “No, no, no!”

The man jabbed forward. The NPC slouched over, dead.

Quest failed. Free Wynne from his bondage.

Low Thi looked up. “Hey, I just got an achievement called Cockblock for ruining your quest. I guess you really are Carl.”

“This guy doesn’t have a map on him. He doesn’t have shit,” the banana guy said. His name was Mike Barnes 3. He was a level 23 Banana Farmer. “We’re screwed.”

Deep breath, deep breath.

“Do you assholes have any sort of towns or villages in there?”

“Yes,” Low Thi said.

“Do any of you have Desperado Club access?”

“I do,” the spider guy said. He indicated the third human. “Bobby and I are the only ones.”

“Meet me there in a goddamn hour.”

“Why?” the spider asked. His name was Morris Sp. A level 23 Freelance Psychiatrist.

“Because I’m going to kick your goddamn ass. And then I need to transcribe your map to you. That is if this town doesn’t get blown to hell in the meantime.”

***

Sorry about ending the chapter on a bit of a cliffhanger. They still have to get out of there. And what was the deal with the frogs? We have some answers now, but we also have more questions. But like with Elle and Imani's bubble, it's starting to become clear that the four quadrants may be separated, but they're all tied in together into a single storyline. Hopefully taking out the castles in the incorrect order doesn't have any sort of negative consequences. Thanks for reading!