Chapters 136 and 137 (Patreon)

Chapter 136

Time to level collapse: 3 Days, 20 hours.

The walls shook. A terrible screeching filled the world. Multiple children sat within the safe room, just like the last time, and they sat huddled, no longer paying attention to the movie on the screen, which appeared to be the original Space Jam.

“Open your boxes. See what sort of loot you got,” Mordecai said, keeping his voice down. “Let the world settle first before we go out there and see what you did.”

Juice Box stood nearby in her human form, leaning over Ruby, the changeling girl with compression sickness. The armless girl was also in human form, and her sunken-in head looked especially disconcerting. I thought of Henrik, who had died trying to do something, anything, to keep this from happening again to his people.

I continued to watch Juice Box. “What did she say?” I asked Mordecai, not moving yet to open my boxes. The woman patted the girl on the head and then moved to another group of children.

“I think she’ll do it, but not for free,” Mordecai said. “We offered to send them all through, but she is rightfully afraid of that option.”

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s see if we survive the next few hours first.”

“Carl,” Donut said, also whispering. “Do you remember what happened with Fire Brandy and that dwarf on the last floor? When they started to remember, I mean.”

“I do,” I said. I remembered exactly what happened with Fire Brandy and Tizquick the dwarf. Once they realized they were NPCs, they’d killed themselves by crashing the Nightmare into the abyss.

“I think that’s happening with Juice Box, too. When we told her that her brother died, she said she was sad at first, but then she got really happy. Then she said she’d been dreaming that she was a school teacher, but a bunch of people came in had to kill all of the students because the children were spreading a disease. She had touched one of the people who’d killed the children, and he was a dragon-headed guy. She has the ability to turn into one of those creatures, but she’s never really touched one. Only in her dream. Louis told her that was because she was an NPC and she was maybe remembering the last time she’d been in the dungeon, and she got a really funny look on her face. The same look you get when you look at that picture of Miss Beatrice on my nightstand.”

“We’ll need to be careful with her,” I said.

I also caught sight of Britney, the last surviving member of Vadim’s team. She’d been on the flying house, so she’d come in with Donut. She sat huddled up against the corner of the space where the crafting room met the back wall. She’d railed at him not to go, and he’d gone anyway. And he died because of it.

He should’ve listened to her. We all would’ve been better off. I sighed.

I thumbed over my shoulder, indicating outside. “Mordecai, are those feral god things invulnerable like regular gods are?”

Mordecai shook his head. “My boy, I have no clue. I’ve seen a few random ones here or there, usually as part of a storyline on the tenth or eleventh or twelfth floor. I watched one die once on the recap episode, but that was during the Celestial Ascendency, and all gods lose their invulnerability on the 12th. My gut says it’ll be invulnerable, but I don’t know for certain. Now open your goddamn boxes. You have a fan box that needs to get the timer going on, and you have your first gold boss box.”

“Wait, you got a boss box?” Donut suddenly exclaimed. “Why did Carl and Katia get boss boxes, but I didn’t? I dropped the death charges! I thought we’d just all gotten screwed out of boxes because we always get screwed out of boxes.”

“Maybe if you’d gotten wet with us, you’d have one too,” I said.

“If I had gone in there, I would’ve been smushed on the ocean floor. You know how I feel about getting smushed. I’m not one of your hamsters, Carl.” She continued to mutter angrily under her breath. “First he goes up three levels when I only go up one, and he also gets a box. This is an outrage!”

Mongo, who’d been getting his stomach rubbed by Langley, hopped up and screeched in agreement.

Outside, the world rumbled again. We all stopped to look uncertainly at the ceiling.

I had, indeed, gone up three levels to 47. Katia had also ascended three levels, taking her to 44. Donut was level 39, which worried me. She was still well above average, but I was starting to outpace her. She still had the most stat points by far thanks to her enhanced growth benefit, but this floor had really hindered her progress.

I pulled up my list of missed achievements, and I was surprised at the number of them. The quantity of achievements had been steadily decreasing the more time we spent in the dungeon, but this was probably the most I’d ever received at once. I realized I’d received one of them seven times. I thought it was a mistake at first until I saw the description.

The AI was in rare form as he read this out. He was especially enthusiastic and giddy.

New Achievement! Rock Bottom!

You dived more than 1,000 meters below the surface, and you survived! You weren’t even wearing one of those deep-diving suits! The next thing you know, they’re gonna start calling you an honorary mudskipper!

Reward: You’ve received a Gold I’m Wet Box!

New Achievement! Fight the Power! (x7)

I’m not repeating this shit over and over, but you got seven of these bad boys all at the same time.

You and I have been named co-defendants in an action brought to the Syndicate Court by a third party, and we have been deemed—drum roll please—victorious! Why did they sue us? If you don’t already know why, you probably will never know. This is a rare event, but when it happens, crawlers usually lose these fights since they can’t afford a lawyer, being slaves and all. Plus I’ll throw you under the bus quicker than you can say “Arch Support.” But that doesn’t matter because today, victory is ours! Chalk one up for the little guy!

This is one of the rare achievements that may be awarded more than once.

Reward: You’ve received a Silver Summary Judgement box! (x7)

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple!

You have been featured during a live special event. Sure you got your loyal followers and viewers, but this is on a whole new level. This is like getting to play the halftime show during the Super Bowl. We brought you to the stage, now dance for us, monkey. Dance!

Reward: You have received a Platinum Fan Box!

Note: Voting is now enabled on this box’s prize. Box will become available in 30 hours.

New Achievement! Soft Vore!

You got eaten by a monster much bigger than yourself, and you managed to get out without even getting chewed a little bit.

Uh-oh. I think Daddy kinda liked that. I think it moved.

We’re gonna have to do some experimenting with this one.

Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Spicy Box.

New Achievement! Flex in the City!

You killed a city boss with the participation of five or less crawlers. That is some serious badassery right there. Color me impressed. Now go do it again with a Province Boss.

Reward: You already got a boss box. Go open that instead.

I received 10 other achievements, mostly regarding jumping around on the ocean floor, giving me a handful of regular adventurer and I’m wet boxes. To my left, Tran was opening his boxes with Gwen and the others, and they were gawking at all he’d received. Next to me, Katia was quietly going through her loot as well. I noted she hadn’t received either the Summary Judgement boxes or the spicy box.

I wasn’t sure why she hadn’t received that weird “vore” achievement, whatever that meant. That was likely just one of those discretionary prizes the AI gave out. It wasn’t even a little bit fair, but I wasn’t about to complain about getting an extra box. At least I wasn’t going to complain yet. If the AI decided it had a thing for me getting swallowed alive, then that was going to be a problem. It was hard for me to tell if it was being serious or not.

I looked at the line of Summary Judgement boxes. The last time the AI had gotten sued was when we’d been screwed out of the celestial boxes, and the system had been so butthurt over it, it had rewarded us with a ton of personal space coupons.

The fact we’d gotten sued at all was testament to the notion that my plan was both possible and had merit. And that Borant hadn’t yet patched the game to disallow what I was going to attempt suggested that they had no problem with it, either. Zev even chimed in to ask me to reword my earlier conversation with Donut and Katia regarding my idea.

Katia gasped as she opened the boss box, and a backpack appeared. Donut was pouting at her lack of loot and was making an effort to pretend like she was watching the movie, though nobody was paying attention anymore. The world outside continued to rumble and shake. There was a sound, too, like a stifled whimper.

I started opening my loot.

None of the adventurer boxes contained any more Water Breathing scrolls, though I did receive a handful more with the bronze I’m Wet boxes. It was mostly the regular stuff. Junk clothing items and weapons. Healing potions and mana restorations. A single invisibility potion. Hobgoblin dynamite. I was also starting to receive something called Good Healing Potions, which Mordecai said was a sign that I was progressing nicely.

I did receive something a little concerning, however. Mordecai’s “uh-oh” when it appeared didn’t help.

Potion of Dinosaur Repellent.

Drink this if your party is attacked by a pack of dinosaurs, and they’ll eat you last. Effect lasts a full 30 hours.

All seven of the silver Summary Judgement boxes contained three items.

“What the hell?” I muttered as they appeared one by one. Mordecai appeared equally confused.

Each box contained one gold piece, a Stock Certificate equal to one share, and a photograph. All seven of the stock certificates looked different. Some were paper. One was an actual egg covered in writing. Another was printed on glass. The photos were all the same size, but depicted a different creature.

I picked up the first photo, and it was of a familiar type of orc. It was just an 8x10 color photograph on regular photo paper. It had no magical or special abilities at all. It portrayed a young, beefy female completely decked out in an overly flowery and intricate Shakespeare-time dress. She wore a gaudy crown on her head. It reminded me of one of those ridiculous renaissance paintings people would get of their dogs and cats, but this time with a wild boar.

Mother of Plaintiff #1, Prince Stalwart of the Skull Empire.

This photograph portrays Queen Consort Ugloo of the Skull Empire. Portrait taken upon her Age Day ceremony.

“What the hell?” I said again.

The second photograph was an insectoid creature, but the rest of the photos disappeared into my inventory before I could fully examine them.

Mordecai just sat there with his beak open. “I… I think the AI just gave you photographs of the mothers of all the plaintiffs in that lawsuit.”

“Why?”

He didn’t answer as the Gold I’m Wet box opened, revealing a prize I wished I’d had all along. It was a glowing, blue ring that twinkled with little sparkles. Katia and Tran had also received this exact same prize.

Ring of Water Breathing.

If you wear this ring, you can breathe underwater. You can still breathe on land, too. That makes you an amphibian. Did you know that all amphibians swallow their prey whole? That’s such an interesting fact.

-1 Charisma

“Don’t wear that unless you are actually going into water,” Mordecai warned as it disappeared. “It makes you grow gills, and it makes your skin wet.”

Next came the boss box. Even though this was only a gold box, I knew this was supposed to be the best prize of the lot. I wasn’t expecting much. The box swirled and spun, little clockwork gears ratcheting loudly as it peeled open like a banana.

The item appeared in a puff of magic smoke. A black bandana. It looked like a standard bandana, like the one I’d wear at work to cover my nose and mouth when the stench from the docks got too much. It was decorated with a typical white, paisley pattern.

Mordecai made a little gasp. I didn’t have time to read the full description before it disappeared. I was too caught off guard by the item’s name. I felt my pulse quicken.

Drakea’s Enchanted Kerchief of Disorder.

Drakea was the author of the 22nd edition of the Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook, and he (or she, I wasn’t really sure) was also a crawler during the final naga-controlled season, which had suffered some sort of cataclysm. I needed to pretend I’d never heard the name before. My hands were shaking as the last item opened, the platinum Spicy box.

Three items popped out.

The first was a black, sleeveless, jacket made of a thick canvas. It glowed with a very subtle light, almost purple. The second item was a tiny, round patch depicting the planet earth. The thing was the size of a half-dollar. It wasn’t attached to the jacket, but it was clearly meant to be sewed on. The third item was a small, unenchanted sewing kit. It had two spools of thread, white and red. We’d already looted something similar from the floating house.

Donut immediately jumped to the table and started inspecting the small patch.

“Damn,” Mordecai said. “You got really good loot this time. The dungeon is starting to solidify your look for you. That’s a patch jacket. That means it has upgrade slots. Lots of upgrade slots. We’re gonna need to find you more patches as soon as possible.”

Other than my zippo, my current jacket was my only remaining artifact from when I entered the dungeon. The old leather jacket was burned to hell, covered with holes, and missing an arm. The zipper had broken two floors ago, and it smelled pretty bad, too. I was glad to finally be rid of it.

“This is just a screen print,” Donut said, pushing the patch aside with a strange amount of disgust. “Amateur hour. It really is a shame we’ve walked away from the fine art of embroidery.”

“What? What’re you talking about?” I asked. Donut harumphed and returned her attention to the movie. I picked up the jacket and examined it.

Enchanted Anarchist’s Battle Rattle.

This sleeveless jacket in its current form only offers meager protections compared to some other items of this caliber. However, its ability to host as many upgrade patches as you can fit makes this one of the best, most upgradeable protection items in the game.

The plain, unadorned version of this jacket imbues the following effects:

+1 to all base stats.

This base stat upgrade increases by +1 for every compatible patch that is added to this jacket. If an eligible Back Patch is added, this benefit is doubled.

Access to the Desperado Club (already obtained)

Access to the Naughty Boys Employment Agency (already obtained)

+50% range and accuracy for all thrown explosives.

“Hell yeah,” I said. The range benefit alone made this one of the most valuable items I had. I picked up the patch.

Upgrade Patch. Small.

This patch depicts the planet Earth, which is currently under the regency of the Borant System.

Ahh, the planet earth. A whole lot of culture. A whole lot of spunk. So many dumbasses.

If this upgrade patch is affixed to an eligible garment, it will imbue the following upgrades:

+5% to Strength.

Immunity from cloud-based attacks.

Warning: Upgrade patches are fleeting items. You may remove them, but they will be destroyed in the process.

“You already have several immunities, but this is another layer of protection,” Mordecai said. “You’ll want to sew that on right away. Just keep in mind you’ll want to maximize the available space. The bandana is also really good. You’ll have to wear it around your head or as a mask. Your neck slot is taken by your cloak.”

Drakea’s Enchanted Kerchief of Chaos.

This handy-dandy, versatile garment can be worn around the neck, in the hair, or on your face if you want to cosplay as a cowboy robbing a bank. Can also be tied around your arms or legs, but only if you want to look like a moron. Don’t tie it around your leg.

This simple, square piece of fabric is a reminder that looks can be deceiving. The wearer of this item receives the following benefits:

+5 to the Detect Traps skill.

Wearer may cast a level-15 Tripper spell once every five hours.

The Remote Detonator benefit.

The Tripper spell was something I’d seen a few times during class selection, but at level 15, it had a very wide radius. The only problem was that I could only cast it once every five hours.

Tripper

A lot of people say crawlers who use this spell are chickenshit cowards. But then again, those same people are sitting at home covered in Cheeto dust watching this show while wearing pajamas.

This spell automatically triggers all passage, motion, heat, and weight-based traps in a certain radius.

Cost: This is an item-based spell. This spell does not require mana to cast. If you unequip the associated item, you will lose access to this spell. The cooldown will not reset.

Target: a 10-meter radius sphere centered around the right hand of caster + 10 meters of radius per level of Intelligence.

Duration: instantaneous.

This spell is one of those good news, bad news situations. If you have your intelligence high enough, you can automagically trigger every trap in the quadrant with the snap of the finger. Blades will fall. Bombs will explode. Electrodes will zap. It’s great fun.

Here’s the catch. This triggers the traps. It doesn’t disarm them. If you don’t know why that might be bad, then you’re probably gonna die anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

The spell was great, but I knew a lot of those traps involved throwing monsters at you. So it could be dangerous if it wasn’t utilized properly. We were already planning on using clockwork Mongos as minesweepers if we found ourselves in a heavy trap area. This would ease the load on Donut.

The real prize was the remote detonator benefit.

Remote Detonator.

If you’re one of those explodey guys, I bet you use a lot of Hobgoblin Pus or Troll Boom-Boom Paste to make your bombs pop. Those days are now over. This benefit allows you to magically remote-detonate any explosive that has been designated by you.

This benefit offers multiple physical and interface-based triggering options when combined with a Sapper’s table.

“This is pretty awesome,” I said. I took the bandana and tied it around my head.

“Hmm,” Donut said, examining the bandana. “We’re gonna have to work on this vibe. You look like a cross between someone wearing a racist Halloween costume and an old dude desperately trying to be a rock star even though he’s too old and is really just a bass player, so not a real musician. It’s not working for me. Maybe once you get that new jacket on, though I suppose you’ll have to attach that awful patch first.”

“I remember Drakea,” Mordecai said, leaning in to adjust my bandana with a talon. “He was a pretty famous crawler. He had a similar class to your own, though more magic-based. He was partly responsible for what happened to the nagas.”

Drakea had more comments in the cookbook than anybody else. He commented on everything. He never really talked about himself, but he filled pages and pages with borderline-insane ranting against the nagas. He built elaborate traps using magical items and triggers I probably wouldn’t ever be able to utilize.

“What happened that season?”

Mordecai looked pointedly up in the air. Apparently this was a taboo subject. He seemed hesitant to answer, but I persisted as tactfully as I could. This was my first opportunity to learn the fate of one of my brothers, and I found myself overwhelmed with the need to know as much as possible.

“What sort of creature was he?”

“He was a bune,” Mordecai said. “They are a slight, dragon-like people. Naturally peaceful, but they can be some of the most clever fighters. That was his real race. I’ve seen a few crawlers this season who’ve picked it. Good rogues and magic casters, but they have low constitution. They grow wings and get a dexterity bonus when they hit level 50. If crocodilians are the barbarians of the lizard world, think of the bune as the elves.”

“Did he make it out?”

Mordecai sighed. “He died on the eleventh floor. Or was it the twelfth? I don’t remember. He’d gotten a pretty good offer, and he spit in their faces. He was a big trap guy. He had some elaborate setup, and it backfired.” Mordecai paused, again glancing at the ceiling uncertainly. “It unnaturallybackfired. Lawyers got involved. The Syndicate, acting on his behalf, collected a pretty big sum from the Sultanate, who’d already been kicked in the teeth a dozen times over that season.”

I felt an odd surge of elation and outrage. They’d gotten him by cheating, but he had the last laugh. He’d help bankrupt the nagas.

I pulled one of the seven stock certificates from my inventory.

Stock Certificate.

The bearer of this instrument now holds one share of common stock in the Sigmund Textiles Foundry, a publicly-traded company based in the Gun-ya system within the Skull Empire and traded via the I.R.F.

Last recorded value per share: 12.422 credits.

“What the hell?” I said.

“Odd,” Mordecai agreed. “I can’t remember what the I.R.F. stands for, but it’s like the biggest stock exchange in the universe. Crawlers shouldn’t be receiving anything with credit value. You’re not even allowed to gamble at the credit tables on the Desperado Club’s 9th floor.”

I pulled the rest of the certificates out, and all seven basically said the same thing, though each one was a different, publicly-traded company. All averaged in value of about 10 credits, which apparently wasn’t very much.

“Each stock is from a company that is based in the system of one of the plaintiffs in the suit against you,” Mordecai said. “It’s like the AI is doing it to needle at the plaintiffs.”

“Are these real?” I asked. “How does the system even have access to this sort of thing?”

“I have no idea,” Mordecai said. “The whole AI seems to be going insane.” He looked up. “No offense.”

“And it also gave me a photo of each plaintiff’s mom,” I said, leafing through the pictures. “That’s really… fucked up.” It was also, I realized, very valuable. I now knew the identity of the seven factions who had tried to take the gate away from me. I already knew a bit about the twelve different factions who regularly played faction wars. There were nine slots each season, and five of those were always taken by teams who’d purchased legacy spots. The remaining four slots were usually, but not always, taken by one of seven different nations. Since the naga weren’t one of the factions who’d sued but were going to participate, I now knew the identity of eight of the nine teams that we would have to deal with on that ninth level.

But was that the reason the AI had given me these photos and the stock certificates? Was it to give me information? Was it just to be a dick? It was like something middle-school kids would do. Haha I drew a pic of your mom.

Louis leaned over the table to look at the seven photos. “Dude, who’s the hottie?” he said, picking up a photo of a very angry-looking, bald elf woman. She had smoldering blue eyes and bone white skin. The description had her as Epitome Noflex of the Dream. The “Dream” were zebra-riding elves who liked to use poison and druid magic. And long-range artillery. The outside-the-dungeon version of these guys were just as humorless as the Skull Empire and controlled half of the universe’s food supplies.

Louis did not need to be seen talking about some alien billionaire’s mother.

“No,” was all I managed to say as I tried to grab the photo from him, but he pulled it from my reach.

“Hey, Juice Box,” he called, waving the photo. “Can I get another session, but where you look like this chick? She’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. She’s giving off serious Gelfling meets the Borg queen vibes, and I am all in.”

“Goddamnit, Louis,” I said, ripping the photo from his hands.

“Keep these in your inventory,” Mordecai said, looking alarmed.

“I think the AI gave these to us just to piss off the factions.”

“That’s worrisome,” Mordecai said. “The AI is supposed to help monitor prohibited speech against the sponsors. Not go all-in and participate. This usually ends up happening, but it’s always at the end. The system is usually pretty bonkers by the time the twelfth floor rolls around. Like I said before, its personality rarely shines through this early. There’s a reason why the Syndicate has strict rules about Macro AI intelligences. Some believe that your people learned this the hard way. The primals, I mean, not the humans. All large-scale AIs eventually go insane. There’s even a term for it. Primal Degeneration.”

“So what do they do when the crawl is over? Take the AI out behind the woodshed and shoot it?”

“No. An AI is a lifeform, and it’s protected by Syndicate law. They’re given their own closed system where they’re allowed to bounce around for the rest of eternity.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? The computer’s life is protected?” I took a deep breath. This was not a conversation to be having out loud.

Outside, the world rumbled again, but it was starting to settle. Whatever had happened, what we had released from the prison of the Nothing was still out there. But it seemed as if it had stopped knocking shit down.

“I’m gonna stick my head out there,” I said. Before I could go, I received a message.

Elle: Carl. Something tells me this is your doing.

Surprised, I took a quick glance at my main chat window, and it was filled with panicked people.

Carl: I don’t think so. What’s going on?

Elle: A flaming giant just smashed through our little world here. We finally popped our bubble, and suddenly a god taller than the height of the damn place just walked right through. He smooshed an entire Lyrx Elf village and knocked over two of their oil derricks and caught them on fire. Half of the world is in flames. Imani and I are stuck in the Desperado, but everybody else had to flee into the stairwell. We’re lucky nobody caught on fire.

Carl: Our bubble is still intact.

Elle: It’s some fire god named Emberus. He’s really pissed off. He’s looking for something. He keeps shouting “Orthrus” over and over. I don’t think he can see inside of the bubbles that haven’t popped yet. He’s trashing all the ones that are popped. Look at the main chat.

I suddenly felt ill. Uh-oh. Whoops.

Carl: Uh. So, yeah. Maybe this was our doing. I’m not sure yet.

Elle: Well you better fix it.

I quickly related to Mordecai and the others what was happening.

“Hang on,” Mordecai said. “I’ll be right back.” He disappeared into the training room as the world rumbled again. Each crash was weaker than the last.

“Man, I hope the Twister is okay,” Louis said as the world rumbled again.

“The Twister?” I asked, distracted. Holy shit. If that god was looking for what we summoned. What I summoned, then this was my fault.

“That’s what we named the house,” Firas replied, coming to stand next to us. “It’s parked right outside of town. Louis wanted to call it the Tiddy Twister II, but I told him we’re trying to be more mature. Plus Katia wouldn’t let us.”

“The original Tiddy Twister was my van,” Louis added.

“I thought it was your mom’s van,” I said.

“It pretty much became mine once I chopped the top off.”

Katia also came to stand with us while we waited for Mordecai to return. She was equally horrified.

“God, I hope people are getting away,” she said.

Donut jumped to my shoulder. “Carl, that movie doesn’t make any sense. Why are half of them cartoons?”

I reached up and petted her. I suddenly wished I had her ability to just detach from everything. “Next time, pay attention.” I turned to Katia. “Hey, what was that backpack you got?”

She smiled, but without humor. “It’s pretty much the same backpack you designed for my mass storage, but it’s adjustable, so I can carry even more, and it won’t break. It gives me a stability enhancement while I’m wearing it. It also has retractable stilts that makes loading a lot easier. I can add large amounts of mass much more quickly now.”

“Really?” I said, suddenly intrigued. “So they actually made something new for you? Or do you think it was something already invented?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s good, but it sounds like you got all the best stuff this time.”

I swallowed, suddenly feeling dirty. “Jesus. We should have tried to swim out of there.”

“Carl,” Donut said. “Do you really think they gave you a choice? You were set up to summon that thing. Otherwise you all would’ve died like that plastic surgeon guy.”

Mordecai returned, holding the Samantha head by the hair. He plopped the possessed sex doll head onto the kitchen counter. She was cackling wildly.

“What the fuck is that?” Gwen asked, coming to stand with us.

Juice Box was also suddenly there. She reached over and touched the head. Her eyes went wide.

“Guys, meet Samantha,” I said.

“We just hired her as our new trainer!” Donut added.

I adjusted the love doll’s mouth so she could talk, and she continued to cackle. “The feather boy tells me Emberus is rampaging. And he’s yelling for Orthrus, which means you let him out of the Nothing. He’s blind, you know. Emberus. He plucked his own eyes out when his son died.”

“So Orthrus is from the Nothing? Who is he?” I asked, feeling sick. It was confirmed, then. This was our doing.

“Emberus is a god. One of the big ones. Has a bunch of kids, but only really liked the dead one. Likes to kill people by setting their faces on fire. You know how it goes. He’s my great uncle. And my cousin, too, I think. It gets confusing. He and I never talked much.”

“It’s a talking sex doll!” Louis exclaimed.

“Whoa,” Firas said. He leaned in and poked at the head.

“I’m going to kill your mother,” Samantha said. She made a growling noise at Firas, who skittered back.

“Samantha, who is Orthrus?” I asked again.

“Oh, yes. His little doggie. He’s so cute. Orthrus got sucked into the Nothing accidentally the same time the son was murdered. It’s a really long story. But Emberus probably wants the dog back. Also, he’s a big asshole, so don’t expect a reward.” She started laughing maniacally. “Once, there was this drunk guy walking home from a pub, and he dropped his torch, and he took a tinkle directly on the flames, snuffing it out. Emberus found out and took offense. He destroyed the entire country. He woke up a volcano and covered the whole world with lava. Even Eris was pissed at him. He’s funny like that. You guys are so fucking dead.”

“Orthrus is a dog?” Donut asked, starting to poof out.

“A puppy! He’s a really good boy.”

Bautista: Hey man. We’re going down into the stairwell. A giant god thing is going berserk out here. See you on the other side.

Other messages came from groups who weren’t as lucky. One set of people were trapped in their saferoom while the mountain above them burned. Another group, inside of an intact bubble, said the god was currently standing right outside, and even though he couldn’t get in, their whole world was starting to heat up. They said the saferoom door was glowing red hot. I received a panicked message from another crawler inside that same bubble. I recognized her name.

Tserendolgor: We need help. I was crawling along the inside of the bubble wall, looking for the last slot to put the final gem. We were almost goddamned there. Then this giant, empty eye socket thing appeared just on the other side of the bubble. It called me Orthrus and started screaming. Now it’s pounding on the bubble wall. The world is getting hotter by the moment. The mountain walls are starting to glow. Everything is going to melt. Someone please help us. There’s 160 of us in here, and we haven’t lost a person yet, and we were almost done. It’s not fucking fair.

We’d met the woman crawler at the end of the previous floor. She was a German Shepherd-looking creature called a dog soldier. She and Donut had gotten into a spat. I remembered the woman’s main weapon was a flame thrower.

“Goddamnit,” I said. This was my fault. I explained to the others the message.

“He thinks that experience hog lady is his dog!” Donut said.

“Uh, isn’t his real dog, like huge?” Louis asked.

“Plus, isn’t he blind?” Firas added.

“It doesn’t matter. We need to get the real damn dog back to his owner,” I said.

“The only way to do that is to first get the bubble popped,” Katia said.

I glanced at my clock. We still had an hour before the lightning was supposed to start.

“We need to get moving,” I said.

Chapter 137

“The storm is already starting to blow. The lightning will come at any minute,” Gwen said as our small group pushed our way out of the personal space. It was me, Katia, Gwen, and Tran. The Pazuzu barkeep remained huddled behind his bar. He pointed with a shaking hand outside, but I couldn’t see anything. Night had fully descended. Wind howled. Even though the ocean remained half-drained and was usually calm, waves splashed against the windows.

I checked the boss map. I could see that Quetzalcoatlus was bouncing around the lower part of the temple. There were no other bosses down there. In fact, it appeared the earlier flooding had killed just about everything. It also looked as if multiple pieces of the crypt had been torn away. The tomb raider guys were still MIA. I had no idea if Chris was safe or even if he was still in his spot.

“I don’t see the dog on the map,” I said as we exited the pub. “Maybe it wasn’t very… oh fuck me.”

I hadn’t noticed the dog on the map because the white dot with the orange outline took up the entirety of my overlay, and the minimap had helpfully dimmed it for me.

Orthrus filled almost half the available space of the bubble. Like a dog that was trapped under a laundry basket.

In the darkness, I could only see shadow. The creature stood on two, bowed, fuzzy legs, erupting out of the water like a massive pair of hairy and wet parentheses. High above and directly over us, its pudgy and pink belly smooshed up against the side of the necropolis. Stone and debris rained down with each breath. Its forelegs disappeared over the bowl. From above, I imagined it appeared the dog was eagerly hanging over a fence, waiting for his master to come home. If we were on the other side of the island, we could probably see its front paws dangling over the top. I imagined the dog’s head likely reached all the way to the very top of the bubble.

The very distinctive scent of wet dog filled the world.

About fifty feet over our heads, the puppy’s testicles were retracted, indicating the creature was still very young. The twin lumps were like a pair of domed sports arenas. And if he decided he needed to pee, we’d be drowned.

“Now I know how a flea feels when he sees a dog,” Tran muttered.

Waves continued to crash onto the beach and into the town. With each movement, a new tsunami appeared, sometimes splashing over our heads. Behind the enormous body, a swish, swish, swish noise filled the night, louder even than the wind.

It was the puppy’s tail, I realized. He was wagging his goddamned tail.

A whimper filled the night. It wasn’t loud, but strangled. And sad. The cry of a puppy who hadn’t yet learned how to howl.

“Poor guy,” Katia said. “He’s just a puppy, and he’s probably really scared.”

A second howl filled the darkness, joining the first, equally mournful.

“What?” I said. “Is there two of them?”

Donut: THIS THING IS JUST REVOLTING. ALSO, IT’S A WOLF, WHICH IS EVEN WORSE. AT LEAST REGULAR DOGS GET BATHS EVERY NOW AND THEN. IT’S WET, AND IT SMELLS. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT ONE OF THESE THINGS IN THEIR HOME. ONE OF HIS TWO HEADS IS CHEWING ON THE SIDE OF THE BOWL. THE OTHER IS LICKING AT THE CEILING AND DROOLING AND WHINING AT THE SAME TIME. THE BOWL IS LITERALLY FILLING UP WITH DROOL, CARL. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT DROOL. THIS IS LIKE A NIGHTMARE. DISGUSTING. I THINK WE SHOULD KILL IT AND PUT BOTH OF US OUT OF OUR MISERY.

Two heads? Holy shit.

Carl: Goddamnit, Donut. Don’t linger. Don’t let it see you. Get to the Desperado.

Donut was supposed to run from the exit straight to the Desperado Club, where she’d meet up with Imani and Elle and several other groups of crawlers.

Donut: KEEP YOUR BOXERS ON, CARL. I’M ALREADY THERE.

“It’s moving!” Katia cried.

We hunched over as the legs bowed, and Orthrus did a little jump, like he was trying to get on top of the bowl, despite being much too big. The world quaked. A massive wave of water splashed over us. All of us except Katia fell over. Two hundred feet away, one of the angular, stone statues that dotted the side of the necropolis fell from the sky and crashed into a pazuzu’s hut, crushing it.

In that moment as the dog scrambled to change his position, thunder rolled through the sky. I caught sight of something high above in the darkness. It was the shadow of a big, floppy ear. The moment I saw the outline, the creature’s description popped up.

Orthrus. Juvenile Gate Guardian. Level 10.

This is a bereft pet of Geyrun.

Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?

When you see a multi-headed dog trained to guard gates, you probably first think of Cerberus, the three-headed monstrosity that is said to protect one of the stairwell entrances to the twelfth floor. What you probably don’t know is that grumpy Cerberus has a kid brother who is still learning the ropes.

Orthrus. The most loveable hell-hound on this side of Alpha Centari. The left side is for sniffin’ and the right side is for lickin’ and that pink belly of his?

It’s for kissin’.

If this lil pup was any more sweet and adorable, you’d all be inflicted with diabetes.

The universe’s goodest boy was originally destined for a fate like that of his brother. But before the two-headed Orthrus could get turned into a vicious, baby-eating, nun-defiling murder machine, he met with some bad luck. First, his master was murdered, and then he got sucked into the Nothing, all on the same day.

Unlike most creatures who have been touched by the Nothing, Orthrus’s pure innocence causes him to be unaffected by the blight. He is immune to all mind-altering attacks. Fire doesn’t do a thing, which is good considering his adopted family. But unlike most gods, he is not invulnerable. He is but a little puppy. Happy, but destructive. Rambunctious, roly-poly, very pokey. But fragile.

Which is unfortunate. His master may be dead, but his master’s father, Emberus the Fire God, is not. He would not be pleased if anything were to happen to his dead son’s best friend.

All four of us started jogging out of town, angling toward the remains of the sand castle. “How is something the size of the goddamned bubble only level 10?” I asked. “Seriously, will he die if I punch him in the leg?”

“You’d probably get an awesome achievement for that,” Gwen said.

“I think that’s the point,” Katia said. “They make the puppy fragile so he dies. And then this Emberus god gets extra angry.”

I looked at the pair of legs rising out of the ocean and had a horrific thought.

“Do you think the lightning is going to hurt it?”

“Oh no,” Katia said, bringing her hand to her mouth. “We should disconnect the tower.”

“I ain’t touching that electrical line while the storm is going,” Gwen said.

I’d had Gwen attach that long lead from the drain mechanism to the still-standing lightning tower. I’d also had her turn off the drain so some water remained in the temple. The theory was that the moment the tower was hit with lightning, it would electrify the interior waterways. And since Quetzalcoatlus was vulnerable to lightning, it’d kill her, and we’d hopefully win the quadrant. Each one of these four quadrants had a “cheat.” A quick way to kill everything. The knock-knocks on the bottom of the Wasteland. The hidden drain on the side of the sand castle. I wasn’t sure what the easy-win scenario was for the Akula, but I suspected it had something to do with Lusca the octo-shark. And for the final castle, this lightning tower attack was the fast way.

I didn’t want to disconnect it. We didn’t have time to deal with yet another mystery and storyline and puzzle. We needed to be done with it. If the lightning killed the dog, then we’d simply have to deal with grandpa. But at least the quadrant would be done.

But the moment I thought that, I knew I was kidding myself. Emberus wasn’t doing anything to us directly. He was doing it to other crawlers. That was by design. They knew it was something that would get my hackles up. It was bait. Obvious bait.

It was the same goddamn bait Hekla had used to get me to go along with her. It had been a trap then, and it was a trap now.

I thought of Lucia Mar, sobbing on the recap. I hadn’t seen the episode, but it was clear they’d done something deliberate to torture her. She was their most popular stream, and they were milking it for the drama. That’s exactly what they were doing here, too.

You will not break me. Fuck you all. I will break you.

A thunderclap broke the sky directly over our heads. The wind picked up further. Suddenly it was blowing harder than it ever had. The sand took flight, lowering our visibility to nothing. We were actually running withthe wind, which was good. I could no longer see the dog. The sand felt like needles against my skin. I took my new bandana, and I pulled it over my face like a mask. I pulled up the hood on my cloak.

Lightning flashed again, and the puppy yelped.

New Quest. Where the Red God Glows.

THIS IS A GROUP QUEST. All Crawlers currently within bubble number 543 will receive this quest.

Your party has been designated Host of this Group Quest.

No parties may opt-out of this quest.

Did you ever read the book Where the Red Fern Grows?

Oh, it’s great. It’s about this kid who saves up his money to buy a couple of coonhounds. Little Ann and Old Dan. And there’s a naughty cat involved. A bunch of stuff happens.

Anyway, did you ever notice this strange phenomenon when it comes to earth books about dogs? They always die in the end. Always. What kind of sick, sadistic fuckers are you?

Puppies shouldn’t ever share a world with pain. Yet here we are. Thanks, earth culture.

Orthrus the giant puppy is getting shocked in the ass by a constant barrage of lightning. He’s also getting bitten over and over in the ankles by a bunch of tenacious sharks. It’s starting to hurt. Poor little guy. His health is going down.

His death will be the fault of all of you. Especially Crawler Carl, who callously shoved the poor puppy into a bubble much too small and much too dangerous for him.

If Orthrus dies, the full-powered god Emberus will turn this bubble into a kiln. Good luck getting to a stairwell if that happens.

If the puppy survives the lightning storm and escapes the sharks, odds are pretty good you’ll die anyway. But at least you’ll die knowing you shed this world without ever causing harm to a defenseless puppy.

Oh, except Crawler Maggie My. She once ran over a baby Labrador with her Chevy Tahoe. What a bitch!

Reward: It’s a surprise.

“Oh shit,” I said as lightning struck again. The dog howled. If there was a health bar over the thing, I couldn’t see it. I felt sick all over again. I sent a note to Donut.

Donut: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Carl: You heard me. Do you have those invisibility potions I gave you? Use them, but only if you absolutely have to. Keep the Mordecai potion ready too. It saved me last time.

Donut: ARE YOU DRUNK?

Carl: I’m sorry. I can’t do it myself. You’re the only one with the spell. You can do this. I believe in you.

Donut: I LIKED YOU BETTER WHEN YOU WOULDN’T LET ME GO INTO DANGER.

Through the driving sand, I could see our destination. I watched as the towers were struck by lightning. They glowed like a beacon before fading away. Nothing seemed to happen.

“It’s not working,” Katia said.

“I think the earthquakes might’ve dislodged the power cable,” I said.

The Quest Chat notification popped up on the side of my interface as we pushed through the remains of what had once been a group of walls protecting Ghazi’s castle. I could see the stairwell on my map, sealed and buried in the blowing sand.

I realized the quest chat suddenly gave me an opportunity I didn’t have before. It was a special chat room that only appeared during group quests, and it included everyone in the bubble. I pulled it up. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the list. It listed us, Gwen’s team, Britney, and the tomb raider guys. But amongst the tomb raiders, there were only three left. It was Low Thi the D-bag geek, Morris the spider guy, and Bobby the trap finder. All three had Possessed after their name.

But there was also two more names at the bottom of the list. Separated. Maggie My and Chris Andrews 2. After Chris’s name it said Enslaved.

Despite the possessed and enslaved markers, it appeared all of them still had the ability to chat.

Donut had already discovered the chat, and she was absolutely ripping into Maggie My, who hadn’t yet answered.

Tran ran off along the side of the castle to see what the problem was with the electrical line while Katia hesitantly approached the tower. Above, Orthrus whined, the dog’s voice carrying over the wind. The world rumbled as the dog lifted a leg, trying to gain purchase on dry ground. We all stumbled. In the distance came a mighty crash as part of the temple collapsed.

Donut: …AND JUST BECAUSE YOU KILLED A DOG DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DID TO CHRIS. BRANDON DIED THINKING HIS BROTHER WAS MAD AT HIM AND THAT WAS YOUR FAULT. YOU’RE THE WORST PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED, AND I HAVE KNOWN SOME REALLY BAD PEOPLE.

Chris: Donut.

Donut: I ONCE KNEW A LADY WHO USED TO MAKE A HIMALAYAN CAT NAMED PEANUT’S SPLENDID FLAVOR EAT NOTHING BUT A WEIRD DIET WITH NO MEAT AND THEN PEANUT GOT REALLY SICK AND SHE GOT ALOPECIA.

Chris: Donut.

Donut: AND ANOTHER LADY TALKED HER DAUGHTER INTO SELLING A PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL AND LOYAL CAT AFTER SHE WON GRAND CHAMPION JUST SO THEY COULD PUT HER IN A CAGE AND HAVE BABIES WITH HER OWN UNCLE WHO WAS REALLY SCARY AND MEAN AND MAKE A PROFIT OFF IT.

Chris: Donut. Please.

Donut: AND YOU’RE WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM COMBINED! FRANK GOT REALLY SAD AND WAS DONE BEING A MURDERER, AND HE GAVE CARL THE RING BUT YOU CAME ALONG AND JUST MADE CHRIS KILL HIM AND NOW CHRIS IS BANNED FROM THE DESPERADO CLUB. THAT’S JUST AWFUL. HE’S PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO DANCE AGAIN. MISS BEATRICE USED TO DANCE WITH ME WHEN WE WERE BOTH SAD, AND IT ALWAYS MADE IT A LITTLE BETTER, AND YOU JUST TOOK THAT AWAY.

Carl: Donut. You have something you need to be doing.

Donut: I’M RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN, CARL. I CAN RUN AND CHAT AT THE SAME TIME.

Carl: Chris, are you guys still trapped in that room?

Chris: We’re out. We went down a long ladder and disconnected a wire in the water, and then we attacked a group of crawlers and killed one. Now we’re moving back up to the top. Don’t know if she reads this chat.

No. No, no, no.

Low Thi: He killed Tyler! We were moving down, and he came out of nowhere and ripped him in half! We ran, but we tripped a trap, and now we’re all possessed by ghosts.

Morris Sp: We’re not even together anymore. We’re wandering aimlessly. Janice walked straight into one of those crushers, and she exploded.

Bobby: I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I’m done. This is too much. This is too much.

Carl: Can you move your hand? Scratch it against the wall. If you damage yourself, I think the ghost will leave your body.

I regretted posting that the moment I hit send. It was a mistake. But what else could I do?

There was only one way I could possibly know how to get out of being possessed.

Tran returned. We all scrambled back as lightning struck the double towers again. The whole thing lit up. It hummed for about ten seconds before fading away.

“The wires are still attached,” Tran said, breathless. “I don’t think there’s a break in the line.”

Carl: Chris, look we don’t have much time. I’m really sorry we didn’t listen before. I promise we’ll…

Chris: Unimportant. We’re back atop the temple. Maggie is cheating. She has outside help. A cap…

Chris has been muted from chat.

His previous notes disappeared from the log.

“Goddamnit,” I cried. That was the second time that had happened. I looked up in the air. “This is bullshit!”

“Oh, crap,” Katia said, turning. Her riot shield appeared on her arm. “Now? Seriously? Guys, monsters coming.”

Gwen’s spear appeared in her hand. A wave of red dots materialized, coming through the sandstorm. Feral Pazuzu. Gwen and Katia moved as if one, like a pair of pack hunters as they rushed away to meet the new threat. Tran pulled a curved sword and moved to fight alongside them. I continued to juggle multiple chats. In addition to the quest chat, I was talking to Imani and another crawler who was relaying messages for me to a few other crawlers I couldn’t yet talk directly to. I simply couldn’t do both at the same time.

Morris Sp: It worked. I’m free!

Low Thi: Me too!

Carl: Good. I once had to break my finger to get away from a charm spell, and I figured that would work here, too.

It was a lame and desperate excuse, and it didn’t explain how I knew they still had control of their left hands. There was a whole chapter in the cookbook that dealt with circumventing debuffs. Hopefully nobody would question my unusual knowledge.

Tserendolgor: If anyone can hear us, the interior doorknobs in our saferooms are literally melting.

Carl: We’re working on it. We’re doing the best we can.

A frothing scorpion man flew through the air and landed with a crunch right in front of me. These guys were huge. Gwen and Katia had spent days fighting these mobs together while Donut and I were in our time out. This one was still alive, and I activated Talon Strike and kicked him in the head, finishing him off. I pulled a banger sphere and tossed it at another, and the ball curved in the air with the wind. It still clipped him in the side of the head, and he went down.

Donut: IT WON’T LET ME. IT SAYS I’M TOO FAR AWAY. HIS HEALTH IS HALF DOWN.

Carl: Louis, Firas. I’m gonna need you guys. Get out there and to the Twister. Donut, meet them at the house. Hurry.

Louis: In the goddamned storm?

Firas: Are you drunk?

Donut: ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME KILLED?

I sent a quick message to the tomb raider guys.

Morris: The side ladder. I know where that is. An entrance isn’t far. We cleared it before, but it just leads to a weird electrical panel thing that didn’t do anything no matter how it was connected. It’s still submerged. You can’t get to the crypt from there. Believe me, we tried.

Carl: Look, guys. We need that connected. I’m pretty sure that’s the last piece. But it’ll be dangerous. The moment it’s hooked up, the next lightning strike is going to zap everyone still underwater in the tomb. You’ll have to get out as quickly as you can.

Morris: It’s like a mile down a ladder, but I can use my silk ability to get to the water level quickly. Bobby is still possessed. Low is too far away. It looks like it’s me. I can be at the connector in five minutes. But last time we went down there, Quetzalcoatlus started screaming and moving toward us.

Low Thi: I’m on pterodactyl duty. I’ll distract her. Let’s roll.

Carl: Godspeed.

I turned toward the wave of feral Pazuzu, and I joined the others in the fight.

~

Gwen vaulted over a Pazuzu, twisting in the air. Her spear flashed as I caught a face full of bloody sand. Katia’s crossbow appeared, and her magical bolts pelted into a pair of the scorpions. The wind screamed, and our visibility was next to nothing. It was like they were coming up through the sand.

One lunged at me out of nowhere, stinger dripping with poison. I caught the jagged point in my hand. I was immune to the venom, but my hand was pierced, and I cried out in pain. I formed a fist around the barbed spike as the feral creature struggled. The thing was frothing at the mouth like it had goddamned rabies. My gauntlet appeared, ripping the end of the tail off. Gore spewed from the wound as I kneed the monster in the chest. I hit him in the jaw with a left cross, and then I stabbed him in the neck with the point from his own stinger.

Donut: WE DID IT. I CAST HEAL CRITTER, AND IT WORKED. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. THE HEALTH IS STILL GOING DOWN THOUGH. THE STUPID DOG DOESN’T EVEN APPRECIATE IT.

Louis: The house is breaking up. The balloon is slamming back and forth. We’re getting whiplash. It’s like riding a bull.

Firas: I did that once. I fell off.

Carl: What about lightning?

Louis: It’s mostly below us. I’m more worried about the dog. We’re trying to keep behind the heads, but they keep moving and howling. If it sees us, we’re in trouble.

Carl: You have to keep that dog’s health topped up. Do your best.

Firas: Holy shit! Half the bowl just broke away! The side with the Bactrian village is just gone!

A huge chunk of rock slammed onto the beach nearby. The ground trembled. The other side of the island had probably just been buried in an avalanche. We didn’t have much time. Above, the dog howled anew. I kept my eye on the map of the boss. The dot of Quetzalcoatlus was moving toward the room with the connector, but suddenly it veered away.

Morris: Bobby is gone! Oh god! I think he was crushed.

Carl: Stay on mission.

Morris: Almost there.

Low Thi: It’s chasing me! I have it distracted. Do it!

Warning: This message is from a deceased crawler.

The boss, which could move through walls, barely paused as it apparently ripped through the crawler. It rocketed back toward Morris’s position. Oh, god. I sent them to their doom.

Morris: It’s connected! I did it! Going back up…

Warning: This message is from a deceased crawler.

The same moment the message appeared, the towers in front of me lit up with a lightning strike.

The sound was like that of every branch on every tree in the universe cracking at the same time. The sand under the tower, including the sand I was ankle-deep within, flashed. Pain ripped through me, and for a horrifying moment I thought both of my feet had been ripped off. My health went down almost half way. I was suddenly frozen in place. I stumbled, but I couldn’t fall because I couldn’t move my legs. The entire beach around the twin lightning towers for about two hundred feet in every direction had turned to glass.

Katia, Gwen, and Tran were all equally stuck. Tran’s health was almost zeroed out, but it moved back up as he healed himself. I pulled my leg, and the glass splintered. I pulled myself free just in time to punch down a charging Pazuzu who hadn’t been caught in the glass. It was the last one for the moment. The others broke themselves free as the notifications rolled across the screen.

In the end, I didn’t know if Quetzalcoatlus or the sudden electrification of the interior of the temple was what killed Morris Sp, the final crawler within the subterranean quadrant. It didn’t matter.

I wasn’t sure how many people started in the necropolis. They all died. Each and every one. I was pretty sure they’d been dealt one of the worst hands they could’ve gotten this entire floor. And that really sucked. I took a moment in their honor.

But in the end, their sacrifice meant something. They completed their job.

Bubble Notification. The guardian of Anser’s tomb has been successfully destroyed. The Subterranean Quadrant has been liberated!

All give congratulations to the crawlers who successfully liberated the throne room. All hail crawlers Gwendolyn Duet, Low Thi, and Morris Sp.

All crawlers who originated in the Subterranean Quadrant may now freely travel to the other quadrants.

Bubble Notification. All four quadrants have been successfully liberated.

Congratulations.

Psst! The sound was like a can of beer fizzing after it opened. For about ten seconds, the wind turned even stronger, so much so it was hard to breathe. My ears popped. The temperature plummeted, and a strange, ozone-like stench filled the world, followed by the distant smell of something burning. A new wind filled the beach, slow and constant and cold. It was still dark, but the starless sky took on a red hue. Above Orthrus continued to whimper, his shadow taking up half the sky.

Bubble number 543 has been popped. All four stairwell locations are now open. See? That wasn’t so hard. All that whining and dying was a bit dramatic, don’t you think?

I’d been expecting the ocean to drain away, but it didn’t. I realized that only the top part of the bubble had disappeared, like the top half of a plastic easter egg, leaving the water and the island intact. Dust still filled the air, not yet settling because of the new breeze. Choking dust still filled the air. But I could feel it. That sense of claustrophobia I hadn’t even realized I was suffering was now gone.

Donut: CARL, HIS HEALTH ALMOST WENT TO ZERO WHEN YOU DID THE BIG LIGHTNING THING. I HEALED HIM. THE LIGHTNING IS GONE, BUT HIS LIFE IS STILL GOING DOWN. THE STUPID DOG DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO NOT DIE. I THINK THE SHARKS ARE BITING HIM.

Shit. This wasn’t over yet. We had to get him out of the water.

I was pretty sure that we could probably now flee down the stairs, despite the bubble quest. But that would mean abandoning everyone else. Plus Elle now had the gate of the feral gods thanks to Donut, and I needed it back before we left the floor.

Louis: We’re gonna have to land to fix the net. Don’t have a choice.

Carl: Come to me. Stay behind the dog so he doesn’t see you. Maggie is loose and up on the bowl somewhere. I don’t want you near there. Everybody else needs to stay in the saferoom until we deal with her. But we gotta do this first.

Katia put her hand on my shoulder. She was drenched in blood. I suddenly felt as if I hadn’t done anything in this fight, even though I’d been juggling a dozen things at once. I sent those guys to their deaths. I knew they were probably going to die, but I sent them anyway. Christ, what gives me the right?

“Should I tell the others to wait?” Katia asked.

“Yes. We still have three days. We need what? Four and a half hours for the last thing?”

She hesitated. “That’s right,” she said, finally. “If you’re sure. Plus maybe an hour for the portal to the sixth floor.”

It was going to be close. “Tell Elle to wait until this dog quest is done, then we start with the rescues.” I swallowed. “If every feral god we summon also summons a real god, it’s going to get crowded out there.”

“I should probably tell you something before we start rescuing the stranded bubbles,” Katia said.

Above, the Twister appeared. The net holding the house was ripped to pieces. I caught sight of Donut on the edge, hopping up and down. The yard around the half house had literal holes in it. Water arced from a severed main.

“Jesus,” I muttered. “They’re lucky that thing didn’t fall from the sky.”

“You know what, never mind,” Katia said. “Too much is happening right now. We’ll deal with it after this.”

“Okay,” I said.

I looked up at the whimpering dog. We weren’t directly under it anymore, but I still couldn’t see it very well in the darkness. I re-read the winning condition of the quest. He had to survive the lightning storm and escape the sharks. The problem was despite the bubble being popped, the dog wasn’t making any moves to leave the water. The fire god didn’t seem to be aware he was here. I had no idea what was out there outside the bubble. Was it like a bottomless pit? Probably not. It was too dark to see.

We jogged up the house as it landed. Louis and Firas were crawling over it like a pair of worker ants. Donut leaped down and straight to my shoulder. Mongo appeared, still on the house and howled at me.

“Carl, we don’t have time. That smelly dog is going to die soon. What are we going to do?”

“This thing is going to fall straight out of the sky if we don’t fix this,” Louis called down to me.

I moved my eyes to the garage attached to the house. The garage door remained closed. I sighed.

“Donut, do you still have that Meat Hooks scroll we got on the third floor?”

****

Woohoo! It's gonna just keep getting crazier and crazier until it's over from here on out.  Happy April! Thanks so much for your continued support.

Book 3 hits Amazon TONIGHT at midnight. Also the book 2 audiobook is done, and we're just waiting on Audible now. I wrote a little commercial for Soundbooth Theater that appears at the end of the book featuring the engineers at Veriluxx starting to build their robot toy. I thought it came it pretty funny. I'll try to get permission from soundbooth to post it to you guys. Have a great week.