Chapter 153 and Chapter 154 (Patreon)

Sorry it's a little late. I wanted to make sure you got two chapters because leaving it at the end of chapter 153 would've been a dick move.

Chapter 153

Two of the were-castors accompanied us on our trek back to Point Mongo. Signet also sent out more bush elves and a few others to spread around us and to seek out any lingering hunters.

The two who accompanied us were the bald one named Clint, and the one with the mullet. His name was Holger. The furry men were strangely insistent upon us returning to a saferoom, and it took me a minute to realize they’d been pushed into it by Signet, who’d in turn been pushed into it by the showrunners. It was because we had to go on Odette’s show in a few hours.

It was a reminder—a damn important reminder—that elites weren’t nearly as autonomous as regular NPCs. They weren’t controlled like robots, but the showrunners were allowed to send suggestions to them, which sometimes caused them to act out of character. It still wasn’t clear exactly how much control they really had.

I wondered on that as we walked back to Point Mongo. If there was a way to make Signet and other elites self-aware, just like with regular NPCs, and what that would mean if it happened.

Either way, these two guys, Clint and Holger, weren’t elites. Just regular ol’ NPCs, and they were just following Signet’s orders.

“So, Holger,” Donut asked as we marched. She rode upon the back of Mongo. The rest of us walked. “Tell me about your hairstyle. What is it called again, Carl?”

“A mullet,” I said.

“Yes, that’s right. Business in the front, party in the back. Tell me, is it a cultural thing? Where I’m from, it’s a cultural thing. It means you’re from a people who like to say ‘Yeehaw’ a lot and listen to music about trucks and cheating girlfriends and you eat things like corndogs and fried butter. And you like to blow things up.” She looked at me. “Carl, maybe you should grow one.”

“It’s a sign of my dominance,” Holger said proudly. This guy had two weapons crossed over his back. A sickle-shaped blade, and a sharpened stick.

“It’s not a sign of nothing,” Clint said.

“You just feel that way because you’re bald,” Holger said.

“I ain’t bald when I turn,” Clint said. “And when you turn, you look even more like an idiot.”

“Well, I like it quite a bit,” Donut said. “I once knew a Maine Coon who had a similar hairstyle, and it suited him perfectly. It was stunning.” She looked at Clint. “But bald is beautiful too. Or it can be. We won’t talk about Sphynx cats or those weird chihuahua things. But it really suits you.”

“Thank you, Princess,” Clint said.

“Have you ever seen her do it?” Donut asked, changing the subject. “Summon her battle squad, I mean. Carl saw her do it once, but I didn’t get to see it. He said all of her tattoos came to life, but they were flat.”

“Just once,” Clint said. “It wasn’t all of them. Just the ogre and the eels.”

“How did you two first become associated with her anyway?” Donut asked. “We met her when she was trying to invade a circus, and she gave Carl an erection so bad, he had to break his finger to make it go away. How about you?”

Holger grunted with amusement. “She does that. We have known her since we were little kits. She lived in the village with us after she was cursed. One of the village elders introduced her to Grimaldi, and she left with him. Soon after, that bitch Imogen came to the village and attacked and killed almost all of us. A few years after that, when Scolopendra attacked, those of us who’d survived Imogen’s attack were mostly unaffected by the demon’s cloud.”

“Really?” I asked. “Do you know why not?”

Holger shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe it’s because one of the attacks that hit the area was the transfiguration spell. It was the exact same spell Imogen used on our village. Not sure though because there was other stuff in the cloud. Spores. A rage spell. All sorts of nasty stuff. I remember that day, and I got really sick, but everything was fine after. But the city on the other side of the river was devastated. Most of the animals were transformed or killed. We all almost starved. Miss Nadine saved us.”

“Huh,” I said. “That’s really interesting.”

“It wasn’t too interesting to me. We’d already been kicked in the nads a bunch’o times. And this was another kick. A big one. Bout time we start kicking back.”

“What about the high elves?” I asked. “How did they do during Scolopendra’s attack?”

Clint grunted. “Ain’t your mum ever tell you the story? Read you the poem? The high elves cowered, deep in their castle, protected by what they took. The elves came out of it smelling like water lilies. The bush elves were devastated, but the high elves had some magic that protected them. Something they’d stolen. Some say the bastards knew it was coming. Some say the whole thing was their fault in the first place. I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“How was it their fault?” I’d heard something different from the cookbook. The Semeru dwarves on the ninth floor had dug their city too deep. It was a reverse version of the Tower of Babel story. It was that story that had given me the idea to fill it with water in the first place.

Clint shook his head. “Rumor has it the elves went down there once. Back when she was still asleep. That’s when they collected all their soul gems for their magic. But the worm started to wake up, so they ran. But before they left, they stole something else. An item that protected them from Scolopendra’s multi-attack. It saved all of them. The royal court, at least. Everybody in the castle.”

“Well I heard,” Holger added, “that bitch Imogen herself tried to cast her Transfiguration spell on the giant centipede, and it didn’t work. But that was why it was one of the spells in the nine-tier attack. Scolopendra was just firing back everything that had been fired at her over the years, only it was all at once. Like a damage reflect, but one that took a long time to get ready.”

Clint turned on the other were-castor. “It couldn’t have been Imogen, ya turd burger. Them elves have had soul crystals since before any of us been born. Imogen is old, but she ain’t that old. She’s the same age as the Tsarina.”

“Well maybe she went down again later,” Holger said. “And don’t call me a turd burger. I’ll tell Miss Nadine.”

“That ain’t make no sense,” Clint said. “Went down later? My gods, you’re so stupid.”

“Your face is stupid,” Holger said.

“Well your hair is stupid.”

“At least I got hair, baldy.”

“Really?” I said. “Can you two not…”

Clint screamed and tackled the other NPC. The two started beating the shit out of each other while rolling through the underbrush. In moments, they were covered in mud and leaves. Birds scattered away. Mongo started bouncing up and down with excitement.

“This is just like you and your Monobrow Sam friend,” Donut said, watching the two men fight with an odd fascination. They were both screaming at the top of their lungs and hitting each other with closed fists. The anger and violence was sudden and chaotic. At least neither had pulled a weapon.

“We insulted each other, but we were always joking,” I said, looking down at the two small men. “We never actually hit each other. And we only did it while we were playing video games.”

“You weren’t serious?” Donut asked. “Are you certain? You two got quite brutal with each other. He used to call you a complete wuss and talked about how you were his bitch. Honestly, I was beginning to think maybe you two had spent time in prison together or something. Girls never insult each other like that.”

“You insult me all the time, Donut.”

“I’m not insulting you, Carl. It’s called constructive criticism. It’s different.”

Clint had gotten the upper hand and was now on top of Holger, pounding his face in. A health bar had finally appeared over both of them. Both bars were still in the green, but he was starting to do some real damage. I stepped in and pulled him back.

“That’s enough,” I said, trying to pull Clint off of Holger. They continued to fight. Clint had a fistful of mullet, and when I pulled him away, he dragged the other man with him. Holger screamed in outrage, and he gnashed his enormous front teeth while Clint punched over and over with his free fist.

“Stop. Jesus,” I said dropping them both and backing away. I finally remembered that a bite from these guys could possibly turn me into one of them, and that was not something I wanted to deal with.

“Mobs coming,” Donut said. “Coming in fast.”

Without even a hesitation, both men jumped to their feet and pulled their weapons. Their reaction was so lightning quick, it was almost like they’d been practicing this exact move. They moved back to back and took a protective stance in front of us on the trail. Clint held a mace, and Holger held a sickle sword. They both started turning in a circle.

“Where?” Holger asked. His face was starting to puff up from the beating.

“I feel ‘em,” Clint said, pointing down the trail with his mace. “Invisible. Coming in hot. On the ground.”

“It’s more of those weasels from before, I think,” Donut said. “The ones that paralyzed Carl.”

“Yup,” Clint said. “Them is everywhere around here. Hunt in packs. Sometimes they’re under control of one of those invaders. Sometimes they’re just wild. Elves use ‘em too. Easy to kill if you know they’re coming. We got this.”

“I’ll help!” Donut said, and she started to sing.

~

“Here’s the thing, Princess,” Holger was saying to the pouting Donut as we approached the bridge to Point Mongo. The small man’s face was so swollen, it was hard to understand him. He acted as if the fight with his fellow were-castor hadn’t occurred. “You can’t sing well. You ain’t in tune. I mean no offense. There’s no shame in it. You need lessons. That’s all. Or magic that’ll help you along. It’s as simple as that.”

Donut sniffed. “It’s hard to sing proper with all that disgusting grunting and stabbing and screeching going on around me. Besides, Mongo and Carl think I’m an excellent singer.”

“They think that because they’re your mates. It’s okay. There’s probably a bard’s guild in that town of yours that’ll give you some tips. It’s not a big deal with the easy spells. They just fail. But if you’re trying to do something big, it becomes dangerous to try it if you’re not in key. What were you trying to cast anyway?”

“Standing Ovation,” Donut said. “It would’ve given you a dexterity boost for the fight.”

“That’s a good one to practice on,” Holger agreed. “But maybe not practice while we’re getting our faces chomped on by murder weasels. We’re gonna stay in town with you two until the assault tomorrow night. We’ll help you find someone to help you practice. Won’t we, Clint?”

“Sure we will,” Clint said cheerfully. He, too, pretended like they hadn’t just beaten the crap out of each other. Or that either of them had been chewed on by dozens of weasels.

The fight had gone quickly. The weasels were wild, not affiliated with either a hunter or a high elf. Neither Clint nor Holger cast any spells, but the two little men moved with surprising speed, and despite the weasels’ invisibility, they could hunt by sound and smell. The little men were quick and vicious fighters, and I imagined when it was all six of them together, they would be almost unstoppable. Plus it turned out they were immune to the paralysis effect. They fought with their weapons and their teeth, and they did the lion’s share of the work in the quick, brutal fight.

Unlike last time, the night weasels attacked all at once. They moved in from three sides at once, screaming, which was especially terrifying because I couldn’t see them. I dropped a smoke curtain. Donut jumped off Mongo and after slamming a pair with magic missiles, she started her ill-fated attempt at singing. I could only see the weasels after they took some damage, but the two were-castors tore through the invaders with terrifying speed. I soon had multiple, visible targets. I managed to snap kick a few of them away and then crush one under my foot against a tree. I cast Fear and then nailed one with a banger sphere.

Mongo had also fought well, pouncing and snatching up the weasels with enthusiasm. He’d activated his Earthquake attack—something he rarely used—which had given damage to all the weasels on the ground and turned them visible.

The fight had ended quickly after that. The weasels had mostly focused on Holger and Clint, and they were the only ones to have taken damage. Their health had barely gone down despite multiple bites.

I was starting to suspect that the two creatures had extremely high constitution scores. That plus a special ability that drew the aggro of mobs.

We approached Point Mongo without seeing anything else. Mordecai had been busy. A pair of mushroom guards now stood at both ends of the bridge. I also noticed the wide arc of alarm traps that had been spread out randomly in front of the bridge, designed to only be triggered by pet-class mobs and hunters. He’d also placed alarms along the slopes on both sides of the river, adding naiad creatures to the trigger.

Donut had to do a bit of talking to get the guards to allow Clint and Holger in. We received a ping from Zev that we had fifteen minutes to get to a saferoom.

I was about to respond when the notification came. Both Donut and I stopped dead on the bridge.

Admin Notice. Congratulations, Crawler. You have received your third and final sponsor!

Viewers watching your feed will now see advertisements produced by all three of your sponsors.

Sponsor’s Name: The Apothecary.

Additional details available in the Sponsorship Tab of your interface.

“Carl, Carl, I got another sponsor!” Donut said. “Someone named the Apothecary!”

“Yeah, that’s who I got, too,” I said. “They must’ve spent a lot of money to get both of us.”

“Hey,” Donut said after a moment. “They sponsored Prepotente and Miriam Dom and Lucia Mar and Katia and both of those two-headed guys, too! And Elle and Imani too!”

“Interesting,” I said, trying to parse the information. I had a pretty good idea who this was. I’d only seen the term “The Apothecary” once before. It’d been during a mob description back on the fourth floor.

Krakaren. The real Krakaren, not the weird caricature version they had in the dungeon. But the collective mind that was slowly making her way across the universe. I had no idea what she really looked like, but I doubted she was an octopus thing. It was rumored she was involved with the company that ran the tunneling system, which was owned and operated by the Plenty, who were goat people. If this Apothecary collective was the Plenty’s silent partner, it meant they likely had a bottomless reserve of money.

The fact they’d gone through and sponsored most of the top ten was more than likely some bullshit political posturing that had nothing to do with us. I sighed.

Donut: I DON’T LIKE SHARING A SPONSOR WITH ALL THE OTHER TOP 10’S! IT’S NOT FAIR! THEY’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GIVE US ALL PRIZES.

Carl: Maybe. Maybe not. You never know what’s going to happen. I never thought I’d get anything from that “pacifist” group, and they sent me some great stuff.

Donut: YOUR LAST SPONSOR GAVE YOU A VEGETABLE.

~

We set the two were-castors up with rooms at the inn, and we moved to the saferoom. We entered, but nobody else was there except for Mordecai and the two cretin bodyguards. Mordecai was in his room, and he came out wearing what looked like earmuffs over his already-fuzzy ears and a pissed-off expression.

“Thank the gods,” Mordecai said. “You two need to go shut her up before Bomo or the Sledge pound her to death. Louis, Firas, and Katia had to leave. Your friend Bautista was in here, too.”

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Carl! Are you home! Carl! Come here this instant!” came the high-pitched, screeching voice. It was supernaturally loud, coming all the way from the training room.

Samantha.

“Oh, yes. That’s right. I forgot to tell you,” Donut said.

“Forgot to tell me what?” I asked.

“So, I may have accidentally told Samantha that we’re talking to Signet. I didn’t know that was going to freak her out. I had to mute her ability to chat. She went crazy when I told her, and I don’t know why. It’s quite embarrassing, really. Have you noticed how annoying she is in the chat with the way she talks?”

“Jesus,” I said. “What does she want?”

Samantha continued to screech. “Carl! Carl come here!”

The cleaner bot beeped mournfully at me, as if even it was irritated at the noise.

“She wants you to take her to this Signet woman,” Mordecai said. “She was in the middle of telling me the recipe for a potion I’ve been chasing for a very long time when Donut told her that you two were with the elite. She’s been like this ever since. I had Bomo shut her mouth all the way, but she’s figured out how to roll around a little and move her mouth back open. I suggest we use your duct tape.”

“Well, we don’t have time to deal with her right now. We’re about to go on Odette’s show.”

Mordecai just looked at me.

“Hey, you’re the one that said we should keep her,” I added.

Samantha let out a series of shrieks.

I groaned. “I’ll go talk to her really quick.”

Donut looked up at the Sledge. A brush appeared in front of her. “Sledgie, be a dear and brush me.”

The rock monster rumbled happily and moved to pick up the brush while I made my way to the training room.

Samantha, the re-animated, severed sex doll head sat on the floor in the middle of the training room, face down, screaming. She stopped the moment I entered. The head rolled toward me, stopping at my feet, looking up at me.

“What the hell?” I asked. “When did you learn how to do that?”

“Take me to her. To Tsarina Signet. She’s the granddaughter of Princess Yungsten of the Naiad, which makes her my third cousin thrice removed, and she has the ability to give me back my body. So take me to her, or I will kill your mother.”

I kneeled down and picked up the latex-like head by the hair. I set it straight on the ground. “How is she your third cousin? I thought you were a god. She’s not.”

“Well, it’s really by marriage if you’re being super technical, but her great-grandfather was Tsar Guggenheim who was married to…”

“You know what, never mind. Donut and I are going to go see Signet again tomorrow night when we assault the Naiad castle. I’ll bring you if you promise to stop screeching. Okay? One squeal, though, and the deal is off.”

I’d already been planning on bringing her for this anyway, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.

“Okay, okay. Cool,” she said. “I can do that. You should take me out of here more often. I’m pretty sure my bitch of a mother won’t attack anymore when you do. I’ll fuck up anything you want me to fight. You take me to Signet, and I’ll be your ride or die bitch to the end.”

I patted her on the head, and she growled at me and tried to bite my finger.

~

Zev: Okay, guys. Transferring now. Remember, you’re not going straight to the trailer. There’s a security checkpoint first. It should go quickly.

“Shit,” I muttered. I’d forgotten about that.

Donut sat next to me. She seemed strangely nervous. She’d already put Mongo away, which was unusual for her. She looked at me like she was about to say something but changed her mind.

Entering Security Checkpoint.

We flashed, and we appeared someplace I’d never been before. All of our menus snapped away. A warning appeared on my interface, but it came and went so quickly, I couldn’t read it.

Donut yowled. We both fell sideways, hitting the wall made of glass. But when we hit, it was in slow motion. It still hurt, and I wasn’t so sure it was sideways anymore. My head spun. I suddenly felt sick, like I was falling. As we bumped into the side wall or floor or whatever it was, I caught sight of something I never thought I’d see. My breath caught in my throat as I looked straight down.

“Holy shit,” I gasped.

Earth. It filled the view, though it was starting to pull away. It took me a breathless moment to orient myself. I could see the Indian Ocean spread out below us, the edge of Madagascar coming into view from the top. The skies were mostly clear of clouds. The whole world was turned 90 degrees from the way I was used to looking at it.

Our change of scenery was so sudden, so unexpected I felt tears come to my eyes. I immediately thought of Coolie, who’d written the 19thedition of the cookbook. This had been his last view, but of his own home planet. He’d died after a failed assassination attempt on an admin.

We quite weren’t in zero-g, but it was damn close. The ship’s rotation made it so the clear, side wall was the floor, but because of physics I would never understand, the amount of gravity we felt was very slight.

Donut scrabbled with her legs. “Carl, Carl, I don’t like this. I’m going to…”

She horked her tuna lunch right in my direction. The vomit seemed to spread out in a cloud in slow motion before angling down and splattering against our feet.

“She didn’t warn us that we’d be in space,” Donut said.

The room itself was completely featureless. It was just a straight chamber with a glass floor and ceilings made of a strange, almost-rusted-looking metal. We were the only ones here. There were words on one of the walls, but I didn’t recognize the script and couldn’t read it.

“Hello?” I called.

“It smells like rotten tuna in here,” Donut said. “I’m glad I put Mongo away. He would hate this.”

A pair of gnolls entered the room from above, dropping in feet first. They came through a hatch I hadn’t seen. No tool tips popped up. They dropped in like commandos doing a raid.

These were shade gnolls. The kind that looked like hyenas. The same type of creature as poor Growler Gary, the poor NPC I’d been forced to kill a dozen times over on the fourth floor. Both of these guys were armored in plastic-like body armor with rank insignias on their chest. The armor covered every inch of them except their heads. They both wore what looked like pulse rifles over their shoulders. Each carried a scanner on their wrists, like oversized watches.

These were the Shade Gnoll Riot Forces. Real ones. Mercenaries.

They landed heavily on either side of us. Their heavy boots made a clicking noise when they hit the glass, one of them landing directly into the pile of Donut’s vomit.

“Don’t move,” the other one said, running the scanner over me. “Are you holding any explosives?”

“If I was, you’d know by now,” I said.

The gnoll grunted with amusement. He proceeded to roughly pat me down. He had something odd tied to his waist, dangling down. They were large, old-school diver’s flippers. The other guy had the same.

“Is this really necessary,” I asked. “Don’t you have some special AI scanner that can see I’m not carrying anything?”

The gnoll didn’t answer. Behind me, the other gnoll was bent over Donut doing the same. He clutched onto Donut’s collar charm and examined closely.

“It used to be a butterfly, but now it’s this ugly thing,” Donut said. “Ghastly, I know.” The gnoll let it go and stood.

“They’re clear,” he said. The gnoll who’d patted me down nodded and jumped up, flying higher than I expected, expertly moving through the hatch in the ceiling. The second gnoll appeared to scratch Donut under the chin and then he, too, disappeared above.

“Did you just let that dog guy scratch your chin?” I asked.

Before Donut could answer, we teleported away again.

~

We landed sideways in Odette’s familiar trailer. I hit the deck with an oof. Donut landed on the couch, landing right between Zev and Odette. The ground roiled. There was a storm outside.

“Ow,” I said, rubbing my arm, pulling myself up.

Odette was in her legless, human form, floating an inch off the couch cushion atop her circular wheelchair thing. Zev wasn’t wearing her usual diving suit. Just a simple rebreather around her throat.

“Odette,” I said, surprised.

Donut scrambled to her feet, and I clearly saw her tail move through Odette, indicating she was, indeed, a holo. Zev was really here. The couch was already soaked with the mist from her rebreather. She pulled herself off the couch and onto the floor as Donut jumped down beside her. Donut lowered her head and pushed it against the small fish woman in greeting.

“So, Odette is here,” Zev said, stating the obvious. “Unexpected. But here she is.”

“Hello, Carl,” Odette said. “We don’t have much time. We’re going on in a few minutes, and I still need to get into costume. But we need to discuss something important. It’s regarding your ex-girlfriend.”

Donut made a hacking noise, and I was momentarily distracted. I thought she was going to puke again, this time right on Zev.

“Wait, what?” I asked, my brain catching up with what Odette had said. “Are you talking about Beatrice?” I felt a chill. “What about her?”

“Miss Beatrice?” Donut asked, looking up. “Do you know something about Miss Beatrice?” She looked at Zev. “What is she talking about, Zev?”

“Odette just gave me some information,” Zev said. “Unexpectedinformation. When she told me what she wanted to tell you, we discussed it, and we both decided it best we get this out of the way as quickly as possible.” She paused. “It’s safe to talk in here.” She looked at Donut and then me. “About this subject.”

It was like Odette had just tossed a grenade into the room, and now all we could do was wait for it to explode.

I took a deep breath. “Okay, Odette. What is it you need to say?”

Chapter 154

“Beatrice is alive.”

“Bullshit,” I said as Donut gasped.

“It’s true. She survived the initial collection. She was being hunted by bounty hunters who were going to illegally sell her to Borant so they could transform her and use her as a country boss. A very specific one if they found her in time. I had her removed from the planet’s surface so that wouldn’t happen.”

I just looked at her. Holy shit.

“Miss Beatrice is alive?” Donut asked, her lower jaw quivering. She looked at Zev. “And you knew this?”

“I just found out a minute ago,” Zev said.

Donut jumped to my shoulder. “How? It can’t be true. Is she here?”

“Why did you take her? And why are you telling us this now, Odette?” I asked. I reached up and put my hand on Donut. She leaned against my touch for support.

“I wasn’t going to tell you,” Odette said. “Not until you were free. But present circumstances have forced my hand. The plan was to secret her away and keep her safe until the crawl was over. We had a security breach. It hasn’t yet leaked that she’s alive and off planet, but in a few hours, that will change. Another program is planning on running a story. They’re going to ambush you with the information. Information stolen from me, and I want to make sure you have all the facts before you’re confronted. And if you’re amenable, we can completely head off this story-poaching bastard.”

“Wait. Hold up,” I said, confusion rising. “How were they going to ambush us? And you didn’t answer my first question.”

“Why I took her? I did it to protect my investment in you. Both of you.”

“Bullshit,” I said. “There has to be more to it than that.”

She held out her arms. Her nails were ridiculously long. They were curled like claws. “It’s true. Look, there was always only four ways this could’ve gone. One, she entered the dungeon. Two, she’d been in the initial collection. Three, she survived the collapse and was living on the surface. Or four, she was dead. In the first three scenarios, they would’ve found her and used her against you. And what would’ve happened next would’ve been cruel and awful and likely a crawl-ending event.” She looked at Donut pointedly. “For one of you, at least.”

“But she was just living on earth? I thought people were safe if they didn’t go in the dungeon.”

“Oh, Carl,” Odette said. “You should know by now that’s not how this works. Laws and rules and regulations don’t apply when this much money is involved.”

“Then why didn’t you just kill her?” I demanded.

On my shoulder, Donut stiffened even further.

“Oh, believe me, the thought entered my mind,” Odette said. “One day, if you survive this, you’ll understand why I sequestered her away.”

“No,” I said, anger rising. “You told me to never trust anyone until I understood their motivations. And I don’t understand yours. I want to understand right now. Right fucking now.”

Lexis stuck her head in the room. “Ten minutes, Odette.”

Odette waved her away.

“Is she here?” Donut asked again, her voice practically a whisper. “Can I talk to her?”

Odette exhaled. “Did Mordecai ever tell you what I did to him?”

“What?” I asked. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Everything,” Odette said. She had a sudden, unexpected quaver to her voice. “Get the story from him, and maybe my actions will make sense. But we don’t have time to get into it now.”

Zev sighed, water splashing out from her rebreather and splashing onto my legs. “Oh for the sake of the gods. She’s also using Bea to blackmail the Borant Corporation.”

I felt myself growl. I looked at Odette, and she gave Zev an annoyed look. “How?” I asked.

“It’s complicated, and it has nothing to do with you or her. It’s actually a good thing. But we all have to pretend like it wasn’t Odette who saved Bea, and that Borant did something noble. In exchange, Odette is getting a higher revenue share for the remainder of the crawl. We just signed the contract. We had to do it quickly.”

“About Mordecai my ass,” I grumbled.

“But is she really here?” Donut asked.

“Yes. Is she?” I asked

Odette turned to Zev. “If you’re going to tell him about the contract, you might as well tell him the next part.”

“There’s more?” I asked, incredulous.

“It’s that fan box you got,” Zev said, her voice subdued. “You’re not supposed to open it for a few hours, but the votes are in. Soon after you open it, you’re going to be whisked away to an event. One where you’ll be able to interact with fans. It’s going to be just you. Not Donut. That’s where they were going to confront you. It’s why we’re telling you this now.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Please,” Donut said, her voice turning to a sob. “Please, someone answer me. Goddamnit. Carl, make them answer me.”

“She’s here,” Odette said. “Not in person, of course. She’s already off planet, on her way to the inner system. But she’s standing by. I want your permission to bring her on the show.”

“Go fuck yourself, Odette,” I said, rage boiling over. “This is what you really wanted. This is what you wanted all along. Goddamn you.” I turned to Zev. “We are not going to go out there. Fuck the consequences.”

“Carl,” Odette began.

“We’re doing it,” Donut said, interrupting. She straightened on my shoulder. “It’s my decision, and I’m saying we’ll do it.”

“No, Donut,” I said. “I’ll do it alone.”

“Carl. Darling,” Donut said. She took a moment to compose herself. A long moment. “You’re trying to protect me. I know that. Remember what I told you before? That we need to trust each other? Well, it’s time for you to trust me. Okay? It sounds like this is going to happen one way or another. At least now we have a moment to prepare.” She turned to Odette. “Thank you for saving her from becoming a dungeon boss. And thank you for the warning. We’ll start the program as usual, and then we’ll do the reunion. That’ll be all. See you on set.” She turned away.

“If this ends up being some sort of trick or bullshit beyond what you say, I swear to god I will kill you myself,” I said to Odette. “I don’t care how long it takes, but I will get to you.”

She smiled sadly. “I would expect nothing less of you, Carl.” She blinked and disappeared.

“I’m sorry,” Zev said. “She dropped all this on me as we started preparing for your appearance.”

“You don’t have to do this, Donut,” I said.

“It’s quite all right, Carl,” Donut said. She was pretending, of course. “It’s quite all right,” she repeated. She jumped from my shoulder and moved to the counter and peered underneath. She gasped. “Carl, they have treats hidden under the counter! They found the treats that come in the pink bag. I love those!”

Zev remained standing on the floor by the couch, watching Donut, a worried expression on her face. The small fish woman was trembling. I’d never seen her like this.

“This is such terrible timing,” Zev said. “This shouldn’t be happening now. This is too big to be happening now.”

“Goddamnit,” I said. “There’s something else going on. Why are you so damn nervous?”

She turned to me and pulled her webbed hand to her lips in a shhh motion. She leaned in and whispered. “Donut is going to need you. Focus on that.”

“Look,” I began. “I’m worried that you’re…”

“All you need to know is that you need to shut up right now. Please.”

I was so surprised that she’d told me to shut up, that I did.

Lexis stuck her head back in the room. “Odette will record her monologue later, so you two will come on almost right away. It’s not live, but we will tunnel in only a few short hours, so we’re on a tight schedule. You have two minutes before we’ll call you out here.”

“Okay,” I said. “Donut, come here. Let’s talk really quick before we go on.”

~

Lexis had us already sitting on the couch when the show started. We sat two spots over, leaving an empty space between Donut and Odette. They were going for a more serious, somber tone and not a Jerry Springer thing like I feared. There would be no studio audience for this segment. I assumed it was because Odette didn’t want word getting out about the interview before it aired. Mongo remained tucked away in his carrier and wouldn’t be coming out.

“Okay, here we go,” Odette said. She was decked out in her bug helmet, giant breasts, and crab body. I still wasn’t used to the sight of her. She, too, seemed more nervous than usual.

My head ached. The river behind my eyes roared.

I swear to god, I thought. If this is some bullshit trap, I will burn this goddamned production trailer to the ocean floor.

“Princess Donut and Carl, it’s great to see you,” Odette said, her voice moving to her on-camera persona. “It’s been a while since we last talked.”

“Hi Odette!” Donut said, cheerful. “You look just lovely today. It’s been too long! Did you see what Carl did at the end of the last floor? He and Katia filled the town with water!”

“Oh, we saw. I’ll have Katia on in a few days to talk to about it. There is so much I’d like to talk to you about, but we can save most of it for a later episode. Tonight we have a very special, exclusive guest joining us. She is making her first and only appearance on a tunneled program tonight. And you guys are here because of your special connection to her. We’re going to get right to it. Watch this.”

The screen appeared, and it started showing something, but we couldn’t see it.

Zev: Sorry guys. The censor won’t let you see this. They’re just showing scenes from the planet’s surface and talking a little about the rules regarding humans who didn’t go down into the dungeon. They’re explaining the details on something called the walk-on list and the illegal practice of bounty hunters seeking out and finding survivors so they can sell them to the production. Also, I’m being called back to the office, so I won’t be in the studio when you get out. I’ll ping you later after the interview. Talk to you soon.

The video segment was over quickly. The whole time it aired, Odette had her head turned to the side and was talking with someone we couldn’t see. Her voice was muted. Donut sat next to me, completely rigid. Her tail curled forward around her body, like she was giving herself a hug.

The lights turned back up, and Odette continued. Her normal, over-the-top personality was subdued, and she took on a more journalistic tone while she weaved a story I knew to be utter horseshit.

“Tonight’s special guest survived the initial collapse only to be kidnapped by bounty hunters intent on selling her to Borant. She was taken off world for the exchange in a black market somewhere in the inner system. But Borant recently reiterated their statement that they wanted no part in the practice of kidnapping unwilling participants, and they promptly turned the pirates over to the Syndicate. A battle ensued, resulting in one of the pirate’s death. But per Syndicate rules, our guest was now off planet, and her fate was up to her. She decided to remain in Syndicate space and is now a full citizen. Because of her close relationship to Princess Donut and Carl, she is coming to us from an undisclosed location, and she’ll remain hidden until after the crawl. In addition, before I bring our guest on, I want everyone to know that I sat Princess Donut and Carl down ahead of time and told them we were going to have this guest, and I asked their permission to do this. I also asked our guest the same question. So nobody is surprising anybody.”

She paused dramatically, and her regular on-air persona started to creep back into her voice. “That’s right everyone. We don’t need any more speculation and theories. It’s Carl’s former girlfriend and Donut’s original owner. Miss Beatrice!”

And then, there she was. Thin. Long, straight hair. Freckles. Pouty lips. She’d lost weight. A lot of weight. She had a shell-shocked and hollow look to her, and she appeared as if she’d aged ten years since I’d last seen her. She wore a glittering, red gown with an open back. It was a common dress style for women aliens, but it would’ve fit in well at a formal ball on earth, too. It looked out of place on her. She looked back at someone we couldn’t see, and she nodded, and then she hesitantly walked out into the studio. In that moment she was turned, I could see her dress scooped all the way down to her butt, exposing the top half of her ass. The poorly-drawn tattoo of Princess Chonkalot, Donut’s grandmother, seemed out of place on her lower back. Her white skin was shockingly pale, as if she had never seen the sun.

She wore ridiculously tall high-heel shoes. Her ever-present Aries anklet hung around her ankle.

Beatrice saw me, and her eyes went huge. She did a little gasp and ran to me, awkwardly moving like a penguin because of the shoes, trying to hug me. Her arms moved right through me, which caused her to stumble. She looked back over her shoulder again and then moved to the seat next to Donut and Odette.

“Princess?” she asked, examining Donut. “Is that you? What are you wearing?” She moved to pet the cat, and her hand, again, passed through.

Donut licked her paw, pretending. She hadn’t looked up once since Bea entered. But I could feel her next to me, trembling.

You can do this, I’d said, just minutes before. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

I don’t think I’m strong enough, she’d replied. She’s just an ex-girlfriend to you. But she was everything to me. My whole world.

I know, Donut.

She was going to abandon me, Carl. I pretended not to know, but I knew. I think I even knew before. I pretended for so long, and I don’t think I can pretend anymore.

“Hello, Beatrice,” Odette said. “I understand you’ve had quite the journey.”

Bea stared wide-eyed at the bug-headed Odette, not saying anything.

Donut paused her licking and said, “Honey, this is where you speak.”

I tried to hide the smile creeping across my face. I couldn’t.

“Holy shit,” Bea said, jumping back to her feet, facing Donut, who resumed her paw licking. Bea again, stumbled awkwardly on her high heels.

“It’s okay, Bea. Sit,” I said.

“She’s talking,” Bea said. “They said she’d be here, but they didn’t tell me she’d be talking. Carl, what in the world is going on? Why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“I really wish we had a live audience, Odette,” Donut said. “I mean, really. A live audience would’ve loved that line.”

I looked at Odette. “I thought you said she’d been briefed on all of this.”

“She has,” Odette said. I knew Odette well enough to hear the irritation in her voice. “Apparently it didn’t take.”

“Sit,” I repeated.

She sat, her head on a swivel, looking back and forth. She looked absolutely terrified. Donut continued to play aloof.

“I understand you were kidnapped by pirates,” Odette said. “And they were going to sell you.”

“I, uh… They came into the tent while I was asleep. And when they saw me, they all started fighting. That’s the last thing I remember until later. I think stuff happened, but they did something to me. Wiped my memory.”

“What about the black market?” Odette asked. “Do you remember them trying to sell you? I heard there was a shootout.”

“I… I do,” she said. “Again, it’s fuzzy. They bought me and were about to put me back in the cube, and then this guy. A small alien guy, he saw me and seemed to recognize me and started shouting. And then I got sucked back into the cube, and I was on a space ship with all these guys with hyena faces, and now I’m here.”

“That story is a little different than the official version,” Odette said. “But it must have been terrifying.”

“I don’t know what the official version is,” she said. “My memory has holes in it.”

“She gets like that, sometimes,” Donut said. She looked up. “Too many dirty Shirlies.”

Bea looked down at Donut, open-mouthed.

“I’m sure it’ll all get sorted out,” Odette said. “I’m certain the Syndicate fact finders will want to talk to you soon enough. Rest assured you did nothing wrong. And I want to be the first to congratulate you on being the Syndicate’s newest full-rights citizen. Now, I wanted to ask you. What was your reaction when you first heard that Carl and Princess Donut had become top-tier crawlers?”

This went on for a few minutes. Odette asked her a few softball, inane questions, but Bea didn’t answer with anything other than a slack-jawed response. Odette circled back a few times to that supposed black market exchange and the shootout, but Bea claimed ignorance over and over. It seemed to me that Odette was trying to poke holes into her own lie.

Finally, Odette turned to Donut.

“Princess, is there anything you’d like to say to your former owner?”

“Have a good life,” Donut said. “Oh, also, if you ever get another cat, make sure you only purchase the wet food for her. And don’t conspire to sell her once she gets a little older. Don’t pretend to love her when you don’t. Don’t make her feel special when you don’t really feel that way about her. That’s all.”

She returned to her paw licking. I continued to stroke the cat’s back.

“Hmm,” Odette said. “And you, Carl?”

“Got nothing,” I said.

“Carl,” Bea began. “Carl, are you going to be able to come to me?”

“Nope,” I said. I turned to Odette. “Are we done?”

“Almost,” Odette said. She was trying to hide the irritation in her voice. She asked additional, leading questions, trying to coax information out of all three of us. Bea continued with the deer-in-the-headlights routine. She was obviously drugged to the gills. It reminded me of Katia’s first appearance on this show. Donut continued to lick her paw, pretending not to care. I just grunted. Bea was going to burst into tears at any moment, and Odette could sense that. The host sighed and said goodbye to us.

The lights all turned on. Odette pulled off her bug helmet. She glared at me angrily for a second before breaking into a smile.

“Well played, Carl,” she said. “Not quite the explosive interview I hoped for, was it? Plus the timing is terrible.” She sighed. “But this was always destined to be messy. At least we scooped that naga asshole. If he comes to you, make sure to tell him I said, ‘better luck next time.’”

Bea continued to stare at Odette. She was just now seeing the woman without her bug head. I remembered the surprise I’d felt the first time I realized Odette was human.

“I’m proud of you, Donut,” I said. “You were very mature. You did it.”

“Odette, Darling,” Donut asked. “We’re not on air anymore, correct?”

“That’s right,” Odette said. “We’re done.”

Donut suddenly let out a hiss and jumped to my shoulder. “You vile, disgusting bitch,” she spat at Bea, who pulled back in surprise.

“Wh… what?” Bea asked.

“You danced with me. You sang to me. You made me feel loved. I didn’t do anything wrong, and you were going to give me away.”

“What?” Bea asked again.

“I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing. You were the only person I ever knew. I was born, and you were there. You and Carl. I loved you, and you were my world. My whole world. I know you had a bunch of cats growing up, and maybe I was just nothing to you other than a way to win more ribbons than your mother, but you were the only human I ever knew, and to me, you were everything. And I was so stupid, because I thought since I loved you, that meant you loved me.”

Odette muttered something under her breath.

“And you were just awful to Carl. And he even though he’s big and dumb, he didn’t deserve that. He’s not perfect, and I know he snores and has all these disgusting habits and smelly friends, but what you did to him is not okay. I know I make fun of him sometimes. I can’t help it. I’m a cat. That’s what I do. Plus, I mean, let’s be honest here. He walks right into it most of the time. But you actually betrayed him. We don’t do that to people we love. And you know what, Miss Beatrice? You don’t deserve how sad I feel right now. I still love you. I still miss you, and I hate myself for it. You don’t deserve to get to explain your side of the story. You lost that chance. But I’m glad you escaped. Because if the world ends and none of us survive except for you, I think that’s an even more fitting fate. Because you’re going to be all alone, and maybe then you’ll finally understand how you made me and Carl feel.”

The silence hung heavy in the air.

“You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.”

Bea just looked at Donut, her lower jaw quivering. I recognized that look. Donut did the same thing, from time to time.

I continued to stroke Donut’s back.

Bea was at a complete loss for words. She looked at me. “Carl…”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” I said, interrupting. “Truly. I wouldn’t wish our fate on anybody. Not even you. But what we’re dealing with right now is so much more important, so much bigger than this drama bullshit. It’s stupid that it was even a thing. I’m glad it’s finally over. I think Donut said everything that needs to be said. We’re done. Finally. Goodbye, Beatrice.” I looked at Odette. “Get her out of here.”

And just like that, she was gone. Odette turned her head, nodded, and then Bea just disappeared, leaving an empty space on the couch. Donut jumped back to the cushion, and she looked up at me, eyes shining.

“I’m glad,” she said. “I’m glad we got that out of the way. I feel so much better.”

“Me too,” I said. “It was always such a big distraction. But it’s done.”

We held like that for a moment.

“I can’t imagine it’s going to be that big of a news item anyway” Donut said. “Odette and Zev are right. The timing is awful.”

“So it’s true?” Odette asked. She sighed happily. She looked over her shoulder and gave someone I couldn’t see a thumbs up.

“What?” I asked. “What the hell are you talking about? What is going on?”

Admin Message.

This is an automated message.

Due to a system regency change, a conflict of interest has arisen, resulting in one of your sponsors being removed effective immediately. A special auction will ensue to replace the missing sponsor and will complete in 60 hours. All previous awarded prizes will remain.

Sponsor Lost: The Valtay Corporation.

“The hell?” I asked.

And then came a second message in a different voice, but similar to the one when all of this started.

Please take note.

This is a planetwide message.

The Borant Corporation, not to be confused with the Borant System Government, has been declared an independent, non-governmental entity by a Syndicate court. As a result, a previously-filed court ruling was automatically executed, granting the Valtay Corporation 51% ownership of the Borant Corporation. The Borant Corporation remains in charge of this crawl, and as far as most of you are concerned, nothing will change. This is nothing more than a courtesy notice. All previous, legal contracts will be honored, including indenture contracts. However, the Borant System Government no longer has any stake in either the planet, the resources, or the production of Dungeon Crawler World: Earth, and regency has been granted solely to the Borant Corporation and their new principal owners, the Valtay Corporation. If you have any questions about how that might affect any debts owed or contract obligations, legal council is available free* of charge to all full Syndicate citizens. Have a great day.

Odette sighed. “They didn’t cancel out all the contracts. Thank the gods.” She looked at me. “This is good news for Mordecai and all the other guides and tenners. Too bad it’s the Valtay, though. You poor bastards.”

“She did it,” Donut whispered. “She did it.”

I looked down at Donut. “What the hell? What happened? Did you have anything to do with this?”

She looked up at me. “Viva la revolución, Carl.”

~~

That last chapter took a hot minute to write. Thanks to all my Patrons. Ya'll are fantastic!

I'm having some Discord issues on my end, but I'm assuming the server is still up and running. I expect them to be dealt with shortly. I've had my head in the sand this week trying to finish this chapter + dealing with one of my children moving to LA. Another is moving to Hawaii in a few weeks, and I'll be taking her.  Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting back to the main storyline after this. There's like fifteen different story threads that are all moving toward each other like missiles, and they're all going to pop off at once.  

I do have one retro edit to report, unfortunately. I haven't updated the file yet, but I will. King Finian--Signet's dad--was always going to be a non-entity in this story, and the real baddie is Imogen her sister (Plus Vrah the hunter). But in a previous chapter I said he was still alive. That's counter to what the AI said all the way back in book 2, so I'm just making him dead.

I hope you have a great weekend.