Chapter 156 (Patreon)

“Wait until you start to descend, and then close your mouth. Don’t do it too early. These missiles have a limited range.”

We all ducked as a church two blocks over exploded. Smoke billowed, and the air smelled oddly humid. Green-tinted clouds hung in the air. The message: You’ve been poisoned! Poison negated! kept spamming across my interface. Both Donut and I along with all the guards and both of the were-beavers were immune. Mongo was not and had to be put away. The ursine weren’t safe, either and were all hunkered down.

Samantha the sex doll head was also immune. In fact, as Mordecai had pointed out earlier, she was a withering spirit. She only had a single hit point, but it was nearly impossible to damage her. Short of dropping the head directly into a black hole, she wasn’t going anywhere. That was offset by the fact she couldn’t actually do anything except roll and scream.

She could bite now, too. She’d chomped pretty good onto my hand when I went to fetch her. But it didn’t hurt at all. She had enough force to actually latch on, but no strength to do any damage. Her fangs bent harmlessly when any pressure was applied. I could pull my hand free with a little yank.

“If they keep their pattern up, the attack after the next is going to land right in our laps,” Clint said, looking up. He remained in his buck-toothed beaver form.

I was reasonably certain there was only two or three of these elf assholes out there, but they’d somehow managed to pull a giant catapult thing out of their ass and get it set up. They were firing large rocks that emitted gas when they struck. The attacks were coming in about 90-second intervals. They walked their artillery fire across town like they were playing a giant version of the board game Battleship. If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d be moderately impressed at their accuracy.

“Okay, Samantha. Open wide,” I said.

I’d been developing a landmine trap that included a pair of miniature seeking missiles as part of the payload. The thought was, if someone set off the landmine, a pair of crossbow-bolt-sized missiles would pop out a full second before the landmine’s detonation. These two additional missiles would ignore the guy who triggered the landmine and would seek out nearby companions, thus doing more damage. They had a short range. Maybe a quarter-mile, if that. But the detonation trigger was simple. A simple yank on a string.

The payload of the missiles was about the equivalent of the 16thof a hoblobber. Not much, but if it detonated against someone’s temple, it was still enough to blow their head off.

Now that Samantha had figured out how to open and close her own mouth, she could easily activate the missiles. All I had to do was duct-tape the missile to the side of her head, add a loop to the string, and tie it to one of her latex fangs. Thanks to the nature of her, uh, original purpose, she could open and close her mouth really wide. I looped the string under the jagged neck hole and then tied it off around one of her lower latex fangs.

These missiles were not designed to haul decapitated sex doll heads with them, but thanks to the seeking nature of the missiles, they were self-correcting. Hopefully. Actually, I had no idea if this would work. This was one of the few things I couldn’t test in my workshop. I figured it was worth a try.

“Unnngh chunga,” Samantha said as I finished tying the trigger. She couldn’t speak with her mouth all the way open.

I placed the head on the ground and examined it. She sat there, unmoving, her jaw open like she was getting a root canal. The rocket was tied to the side of her head with duct tape, wrapped around her forehead and her neck. I pulled out my xistera extension. “Be careful. Don’t close your mouth until you see them or the catapult.”

“Okay,” Samantha said.

Click.

“Motherfuck,” I exclaimed as I jumped back. The missile went off, launching Samantha into the air like a bottle rocket. The sex doll head screamed as we scrambled away. It corkscrewed a few times and then started to circled in the air.

“At least it still works with her attached to it,” Donut said, looking up.

The small missile detonated after it couldn’t find a target. Samantha shrieked anew, her hair on fire as she plummeted back to the city, landing several streets over, near where the last rock had hit.

“I think I’m going to use two missiles next time,” I said. “The detonation wasn’t too big.”

“She’s really not going to blow up?” Donut asked.

“That’s what Mordecai says.”

“If those pointy-eared bastards saw that, they’ll have our location now,” Clint said.

“Agreed,” I said, starting to jog off toward where she landed. It wouldn’t be hard to find her. Two blocks away, and I could still hear her screaming. “We need to reset our position anyway.”

~

“Don’t close your goddamn mouth. I only have a handful of these left,” I said as I duct-taped two missiles to the back of her head. We found Samantha on the street, covered with black soot and growling as she attempted to chew on the side of an ursine house. Her long, bone-colored hair needed to be brushed, but there was no indication her entire head had just been on fire.

We now stood a block over in a small park. On both sides of us, buildings had been leveled by the artillery. The distinctive whine of an incoming rock whistled through the air, landing right where we’d been standing a few minutes before. The wall near the entrance of town cracked and fell in on itself. Donut growled.

I, once again, installed my xistera extension. I eyed Samantha warily as I placed her in it face down. The back of the missiles were now pointed directly at my chest. If she set them off now, I would be crisped.

Carl: Okay, Mordecai, I’m taking the potion. I hope this shit works.

Mordecai: It’ll work. Just remember the side effects.

My intelligence was at 25, but with all the daily buffs, it sat at just over 30. The potion Mordecai had made for me was called Major Charlie for some inexplicable reason that even Mordecai couldn’t explain. He said it was usually called “Brain Juice.” It raised my intelligence by 10 points for thirty seconds. It came with a nasty side effect. After it wore off, it lowered my intelligence by 10 for five minutes.

My Ping spell had a reach of one kilometer plus 500 meters for every ten points of intelligence. However, environmental factors could raise and lower that effect. After I downed the potion, my Ping spell would now reach three full kilometers in every direction. We weren’t sure how far these assholes were and if they were using some sort of camouflage, but we were hoping it was within that circle. If I could spot them, they were fucked.

I could lob Samantha 50+ kilometers, so I had to be careful with how hard I threw.

“Here we go,” I said. I pulled the loaded xistera to my chest to keep it in place. The twin rockets pressed right up against me. I drank the first potion. Levitation. A slider appeared in my interface, up and down along with a 60-second countdown. Shit, I thought. I did this in the wrong order. I tried mentally touching the slider thing, and my feet rose a foot off the air. I knew Elle had a similar thing in her interface, but she could actually move back and forth, too. I was stuck just going up and down.

“Whoa, this is weird,” I said. I tapped my foot on the air, and it felt as if I was standing on glass. I raised up another five feet as I waited for my potion timer to reset. I knew the ground wasn’t as solid as it felt. Mordecai emphasized how dangerous these potions were. He said it would not stop me from dropping if I had enough momentum. They were not a suitable alternative to feather fall. We couldn’t use these things to keep from plummeting to the ground unless we took them before we jumped. Treat it like you’re standing on thin ice, he’d said.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Carl,” Donut said from the ground, looking up at me worriedly.

I waited for my potion timer to zero out, and then I drank the Major Charlie potion.

Boy, are you smart!

I pushed the slider up, and I zoomed upward, pushing through the green cloud. The wide expanse of trees spread out around me, surrounding the town. The wide, naiad-infested river spread out like a snake. I glanced over my shoulder, and it was the same in every direction. Nothing but trees. In the distance to the south, however, I caught quick sight of something terrifying: multiple dinosaur heads peeking over the tree line, like duck heads coming up from a lake. These were brontosaurus things. We were going to be journeying through that area soon. I returned my direction north toward the hunters.

I cast Ping.

Pling.

The noise spread out, extra loud in the cloud-filled sky. I watched my map, looking for the tell-tale purple dots of hunters. The map populated, flashing white, suddenly becoming useless. Every non red-tagged mob filled the area. That included all the goddamned snakes and monkeys and birds. After a moment of panic, I remembered I could filter it, and I clicked over, removing everything except purple-tagged hunters.

There. Closer than I thought, about one and a half kilometers away, northeast of town. I couldn’t see them, but I could see exactly where they were. There was a break in the trees. A clearing. There were only two of them. They both had the glow indicating they had magical gear.

They were probably already running.

“Go get ‘em,” I said. I reached back and hurled, beaming Samantha directly at them.

She shot away, arcing through the air, moving ridiculously fast. I quickly lost sight of her and started to descend. But just as I did, my eyes caught the twin flames of the rockets flaring up. She’d pulled the cord, almost perfectly over the clearing.

Shit. I paused my descent. She didn’t veer off like I’d hoped, but continued her forward momentum, the rockets spinning in a circle like a flaming tire rolling across the sky. I’d tried not to throw her too hard, but it looked as if I had.

But then she shot down at a right angle, just as something shot from the ground up at her. A fireball shot into the air, trying to knock her from the sky. The slow-moving projectile missed, and Samantha disappeared into the trees past the clearing just as I lowered myself fully to the ground. I could hear the distant detonation.

“Yes!” I cried, pumping a fist into the air as the experience notification rolled in. “I got one of those fucksticks.”

Samantha: BRING ME BACK. BRING ME BACK. FAST, FAST. BRING ME BACK.

I quickly dropped the xistera extension, which recalled her to me. She popped into existence at my feet, growling and gnashing. Her hair was on fire again, and she was covered in dirt and leaves and a lot of blood.

She’d also brought something back with her.

She’d clamped down on the ankle of the second elf. The thin, pale elf was unconscious, likely as a result of the explosion that had killed his friend. He was drenched in blood, and most of it wasn’t his own. His leg was on fire.

Clint turned and started smacking the flames out with his beaver tail. The sound was oddly squishy and wet, but after a moment, the flames were out. Samantha continued to growl and thrash as his ankle. She was unharmed.

The elf’s health was almost all the way down. He remained unconscious. He’d be out for another forty seconds. I went to a knee a pulled a black bracelet off his arm. Constitution +10. Along with something else. I sighed, taking it into my inventory. I’d give it to Donut in a minute. I examined the man.

Akland – Moon Elf. Level 51. Artillery Specialist.

The Dream.

“Samantha, let him go,” I said. I pulled the still-growling head off his ankle. She made a spit noise. She still had duct tape stuck to the side of her gore and dirt covered head.

“It’s my kill. My kill!”

“Not this one.” Actually, I’d gotten credit for the other guy too, which was interesting. It probably had something to do with her being a withering spirit. I’d ask Mordecai later.

“Hunter Killer?” Donut asked, all business. He was going to wake up in seconds.

“No,” I said, pulling the ring from my inventory. Hunter Killer was a move we’d just come up with. “Heal him, but I want to talk to him first.”

I slipped the ring on, and then I pulled the enchanted handcuffs from my inventory.

~

“It’s not supposed to be like this,” Akland the elf said after Donut healed him. He was handcuffed to a pole. He wouldn’t be going anywhere. Donut was behind him, magic missile ready in case he tried to pull something. Clint and Holger stood on either side of him. Holger claimed he’d be able to sense any spell being cast.

Samantha had somehow returned to his leg and was gnawing on him like a damn piranha, biting and growling. He tried to shake her off, but he couldn’t.

“Please. I’m just an accountant. They offered us money to come and to hunt. I have a family. Please. Please.”

“How was it supposed to be?” I asked.

“What?”

“You heard me. You said it wasn’t supposed to be like this. How was it supposed to be?”

“We weren’t even hunting you. The Dark Hive has laid claim. But you’re in our territory. The bridges are all out. We were going to take the city. Epitome Tagg doesn’t even care about the gear. Or what you did to the factions. He just wants us to find that crawler.”

“You mean Louis?” I asked.

“Yes. Yes. That human besmirched Tagg’s mother’s honor. Please. I didn’t want to get involved. I did well at fantasy hunter camp, and I won a spot on the faction wars army. Then they asked me if I wanted to come down to the hunting grounds. It was supposed to be easy. They offered me so much money.”

“Fantasy hunter camp?” Donut asked from behind. “Is that what it sounds like?”

“It’s so people can pretend like they’re on the show. It’s run by Vrah’s family, but once a cycle, the Dream always rents the whole moon out and lets the employees play for a few days. It’s not real, but it’s fun. The best players get to play in faction wars. I did well, and I won a spot. I wasn’t ever supposed to be in real danger. But they offered me money. Please.”

“Real danger?” I asked, leaning in. “Fun?”

“That’s right. Please. I’m just an accountant. I work with soy crop shipping manifests all day.”

“Do you know what I do every day?” I asked.

Donut: CARL HURRY UP. YOU’RE DOING THE BAD GUY SOLILOQUY THING. YOU ALWAYS SAY TO NEVER TO DO THE SOLILOQUY THING.

She was right. I was keeping an eye on my view counter, and it was spiked. I was doing this for the audience. This was important. It was important that they heard this. I wanted to drag it out a little so more viewers had a chance to tune in.

At least that’s what I was telling myself. I couldn’t barely hear myself think. The river in the back of my brain raged, flooding, filling all the empty places it could find.

This is my birthday present to you. I am giving you a chance at life. I’m sorry it took me so long.

This will stop it. It’s so loud, Carl. It’s so loud.

“I… I think I saw a thing. You fix boats.”

“No,” I said. “That’s what I used to do. I don’t do that anymore.”

“Please.”

“I had a world. A whole world. A world filled with people. Some good, some bad. But most of us just wanted to work a little, live a normal life, maybe fall in love, have an adventure or two. And that was it.”

“Please,” he said again. “I can pay you. I don’t have a lot. But I'll give you everything I have.”

You have marked Akland.
Akland’s highest stat is Constitution.

“I’m going to show you what I do now.”

~

Congratulations, Murderer.

You have leveled up the Ring of Divine Suffering. It now gives two stat points for every kill.

I took a deep breath and put the ring back into my inventory. I retrieved the handcuffs.

I’d gained one point to constitution, two trophies, and I’d also gone up a level to 55. I wiped my hands on my shirt. I’d forgotten to summon my gauntlet. Holger and Clint, still in their beaver form, looked at each other nervously as I looted the now-dead elf. All he had in his inventory was a bunch of crawler biscuits and another one of those crossbow bolts of Enthusiastic Double Gonorrhea. He didn’t even have a crossbow or any other ammo. I left the biscuits in case they were poisoned.

The bolt was obviously meant for Louis.

I briefly wondered if Juice Box was doing okay. If they were expending all this effort to get to Louis, surely they were also doing everything they could to hunt down the changeling who was now somewhere on the ninth floor. I hoped she was safe.

Donut: That was unnecessarily gruesome, Carl.

Carl: I know.

Donut: It’s like you’re getting angrier and angrier, and it’s scaring me.

Carl: It’s hard not be. But you’re right. I shouldn’t waste too much time telling them how I feel. But I wanted to get it out of the way at least once. I promise I’ll kill them nice and clean from now on.

Donut: WELL, YOU HAVE TO ADD A LITTLE FLAIR TO IT. MAYBE WE CAN COME UP WITH A NEW CATCHPHRASE, JUST FOR KILLING THE BAD GUYS. I’M SURE IT’LL PLAY BETTER THAN YOU GOING ALL RAGING BULL ON THEM.

I chuckled out loud.

“Oh, hey,” I said. “That guy had something equipped that I think you’ll like. It’s a bracelet, so you can wear it. You still have a couple slots left, right?”

I pulled the obsidian bracelet from my inventory and held it out for her to examine. She jumped to my shoulder and peered at it.

“Hmm,” she said. “It’s black, and it looks like it’s made from glass. It’s just a plain bangle. It’s not as ugly as that wood anklet, but…” She gasped as she finally read the description.

“Give it to me. Give it to me now, Carl.”

“Just don’t, you know, burn us all alive.”

Enchanted Obsidian Bracelet of the Raggle Rouser.

This item has been upgraded three times.

Warning: this item has a 50% chance to permanently break if it’s upgraded again.

This murky bracelet is light and kinda stylish if you’re one of those sad sacks who always wears black and complains about how nobody ever understands you. It’s made of obsidian glass, which is actually a type of rock that only forms under extreme, lava-based circumstances. And interestingly enough, this is what you’ll turn into if you don’t treat this item with the respect it deserves.

This bracelet imbues the following effects.

+10 to Constitution.

+5 to Dexterity

+15% Fire Resistance

Wearer may cast a level-10 Fireball spell once every twenty minutes.

The bracelet appeared on her front right leg. It was suddenly much smaller. She lifted it to examine it, snort, and it disappeared and reappeared on her front left.

“Don’t use a fireball when we’re in a tight space,” I said. “It’s a lot more dangerous to cast than magic missile.”

“I know how fire works, Carl.”

~

After I pulled the remains of Akland into my inventory, Samantha growled and then rolled away. She stopped in front of an ursine cleric who’d just peeked out of his church. She started barking at him like a dog.

“What? What in Pawna’s name?” the cleric asked.

“I’m going to kill your mother. And Pawna is a big liar. She plays all innocent and virginal, but she’s into soaking. Look it up.”

“Well, I never.”

She growled again and continued to roll away.

“Hey,” I called. “Where are you going?”

She didn’t answer. I sighed. I was going to have to go grab her before she caused trouble.

Donut sniffed. “Do you remember that time you got blackout drunk and passed out on the couch while watching scary movies?”

“Uh, sure,” I said.

“There was a movie on that night called Critters. It was quite dreadful and low budget, but I must admit I really liked it at the same time. Isn’t that weird? Anyway, it was about these little hairy alien monsters that formed into balls and rolled around and bit people while aliens blew stuff up all around them.”

“Yes, Donut. I’m familiar with the movie.”

“Now that she can roll, Samantha reminds me of one of those critter things.”

“I can see that,” I said, chuckling.

“I don’t mean it in a good way,” Donut said. “She’s getting stronger. She’s already stronger than Mordecai said she’d ever get. She’s even rolling faster than she was this morning.”

“I’ll keep an eye on her,” I said, suddenly feeling uneasy. “No matter what we do, we can’t ditch her. Not yet. We’re planning on using her to take the naiad castle in the morning. And now that we know she can bring stuff back with her, it makes her extra valuable.”

“Maybe,” Donut said. She sighed dramatically. “I wish Katia was here. It’s difficult being the voice of reason. That was her job. But I do know those critter things were bad news in the movie. They attracted other bad guys, and there was a lot of fighting.”

I grunted. “That’s why she fits in so well with the rest of us.”

~

Howdy all! I hope you're doing well. I can't believe July is over already. It's nuts. I'm currently listening to the audiobook proofs for book 4. It's pretty cool hearing all these new characters' voices like Juice Box, Louis, and Samantha.

Take care!