Chapter 160 (Patreon)

Err, cliffhanger alert. Though the cliffhanger in question won't get resolved next chapter anyway.  I don't know what that's called, then. Maybe blue ball alert?

Chapter 160

New Achievement! Premature Questjaculation!

You beat a quest before I could even give it to you! Anticipating what’s going to happen is one thing, but this is just ridiculous. It’s like arriving in your pants before your date can even untie their shoelaces.

Pathetic.

Reward: You get nothing! And you would’ve received a good quest box, too!

“This is an outrage!” Donut cried from the tree. There was gore just everywhere, and she was refusing to come down. I picked up the neighborhood field guide map from the dead boss, which showed which parts of the river were currently occupied by naiads and which parts would be safe to cross. It was actually super useful information.

I wasn’t exactly certain what the quest would’ve been, but I had an inkling. Signet and the assault team would’ve cleared out the castle, all except the frog thing in the throne room. I would’ve somehow been tasked with removing the creature. But we’d jumped the gun thanks to Samantha getting swallowed by the thing before I could recall her. I’d also inadvertently saved Holger’s life, but he wasn’t seeing it that way.

“Oh, oh gods. Miss Nadine! Miss Nadine!” Holger started to cry once everything settled. “First Clint and now Miss Nadine!” The beaver held his head into the air and started to howl.

“Clint? Clint is dead?” Donut asked from her tree.

“He got ripped up right in front of me,” Holger said, rubbing his eyes. “And Miss Nadine, too. She’d been taking care of us for so long.” He sniffed. “She was like my mama. It’s like my mama died.”

“It was my fault,” I said, standing up. Samantha bowled off my lap and started rolling in circles in the gore. “I accidentally summoned it up here.”

“No. No fault,” Areson said. “Miss Nadine was going to water. Would’ve drowned anyway. She died fighting. Warrior’s death.”

“It’s the thing that killed her’s fault,” Holger said. “Oh, Miss Nadine.” The beaver looked up at the ogre. “Do you think there’s enough of her left? Do you think she was worthy?”

“She worthy,” Areson said.

I didn’t know what they were talking about. I turned my attention back to the water. There was still fighting, but it was much less tumultuous than before. I could still hear the song playing quietly through the water. I knew it had to be unbearably loud down there.

I turned my attention to the opposite shore. I couldn’t see what was going on, but they’d gotten attacked. It was too dark to use the gnomish farseer telescope. I pulled my xistera extension and affixed it.

“Samantha. I have a recon mission for you.”

“Oh goodie,” she said, suddenly at my feet, bumping up against my legs.

~

Samantha: I AM ALMOST THERE. I CAN SMELL THE BLOOD.

I’d tossed Samantha over there almost ten minutes earlier, but I’d accidentally thrown her a little too far in the dark. She insisted she could get to the shore on her own and was making her way there.

While we waited, I spent time on the slope down to the water searching for untriggered traps and disarming them. I could use my Tripper skill to set them all off, but I needed to train my Find Traps skill, which was stalled out at nine. The summoning traps were hard to spot, and there were several of them scattered about. I accidentally tripped them twice, and both times they brought a pair of naiad guards with them. The traps apparently summoned specific guards, and every time, the guards in question were already dead. All of them had been killed by were-castors. After looting them of their crap gear and occasional health potion, I moved on.

After I discovered the third or fourth such trap, my Find Traps skill finally leveled to 10. The moment it did, the slope lit up like a Christmas display. I went about disarming and collecting everything. They were mostly silent alarm and summoning along with a few of those glue traps, which made it so you couldn’t move away for a full minute.

After returning to the top of the slope, I examined one of the ten summoning traps I now had.

Summoning Trap

This is a Recycled Trap

Effect: Once triggered, will summon two town guards or minions to the location of the trap. Will summon two random guards or minions from this floor only. If you do not have minions or if you do not control a town, this trap will misfire. Specific guards or minions may be programmed at a Sapper’s Table.

Delay: two seconds.

Target: Programmable.

Duration: one time use.

That could potentially be useful, but I didn’t have any towns on this floor. Nor did I have any sort of minions. That was a Donut thing. If we ever used this trap, she would have to be the one to set it. I put it away for now.

Samantha: THEY’RE ALL DEAD. IT LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT CAUGHT IN A WHEAT THRESHER. ONE OF THE BEARS IS JUST A HEAD. ANOTHER LOOKS LIKE A COOKIE THAT GOT A BITE TAKEN OUT OF IT.

Carl: Do you see any sign of the dinosaurs who did it?

Samantha: JUST FOOTPRINTS. I THINK IT WAS JUST ONE. IT’S THREE TOES. THE TRACK IS BIG ENOUGH FOR ME TO SIT INSIDE OF. OH AND THERE’S PINK FEATHERS EVERYWHERE.

Carl: Pink feathers mean Kiwi the mongoliensis was there, too.

Samantha: IF SHE WAS, I DON’T SEE ANY OTHER SIGN. THE DEAD BODIES ARE ALL BIG DEAD. NOT TORN UP BY MONGO DEAD.

Carl: Okay. Grab a feather. I’m bringing you back now.

I relayed everything to Areson while we waited for Signet to find a feather and stick it in her mouth. The water had stopped thrashing. Several more bodies bobbed to the surface, all naiads. Holger returned to the water to tell the others what had happened.

I pulled the extension, and Samantha returned with a pop. She growled and dropped a feather on the ground. Then she rolled off into the underbrush. Donut remained in the tree. She’d cascaded herself across one of the branches and was snoring while Mongo continued to splash about in the remains of the dead boss. I reached down to pick up the feather. It was dirty and flattened and small. If it had come off of Kiwi, it was from a long time ago. It reminded me of the down they put inside of pillows, but a little bigger.

This is a feather. It’s pink. It’s garbage. Fuck off with making me describe this shit. Do you want me to describe the dirt below your feet, too?

“Sounds like Big Tina,” Areson said after I finished describing what Samantha found. “She’s usually not this far east, but it sound like her. She wear a pink boa.”

“Big Tina?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “And she wears a boa? A necklace made out of feathers? Are you serious?”

“A pink boa. She just a kid,” Areson said. “But she a big dinosaur. Carries a wand too, but it run out of zaps a long time ago. Got anger problem. Doesn’t like ursine. Eats them all up. She usually with the mongoliensis, but she runs away a lot and then gets herself into trouble before they find her. She usually the one that attack that town downriver that you staying at. The other dinos gotta go get her and bring her back out. That’s why I stay on this side of river. She dangerous. She good at killing.”

Quest Update. The Recital.

There’s a dinosaur out there named Big Tina, and she’s being a bad, bad girl. She’s somehow involved in the attacks on Point Mongo. Find out what this crazy dino chick is up to. Kill her to save the town. Or find out why she’s the way she is, and do something about it.

“What? What’s going on? Ahhh!” Donut announced suddenly. She fell from the tree, but landed on her feet in the midst of the gore. She hissed with dismay and then scrambled away, her hair poofed out. She ended up back on my shoulder, licking her paw furiously.

“Carl, that notification woke me up,” she said between licks. “That’s never happened before. If you’re going to be investigating quests, I must insist you only do it when I’m prepared.”

“You were sleeping outside of a safe room,” I said.

“Well that’s because I’m bored, Carl. And if I’m bored, that means the Princess Posse is bored. We’ve fought one boss all evening, and that’s it. I only got to fire one fireball!”

We were interrupted by the return of Signet. She bobbed to the surface with a loud splash, water cascading off the forcefield around her like oil off a hot pan. All of her tattoos had returned, and she was brought back up with the help of the remaining were-castors, who all moved to the remains of Miss Nadine and started to wail.

“Damn. Damn, damn, damn,” Signet said, looking down at the splattered, exploded mess of the giant caterpillar.

“The ursine on the other shore got Big Tina’d,” Areson said.

Signet shook her head. “What a waste. If I had known the castle was so poorly defended, I would’ve just gone in there myself.”

“What happened down there?” I asked.

“We took the castle. There were still plenty of guards, but the whole place would’ve fallen in a matter of months on its own. There’s an algae infestation, and the godsdamned confederates had stopped attempting to rule ages ago. It was barely a fight. They’d lost control of the throne room to a damn eryops. The entire kingdom is in shambles. After we free ourselves from the chains of the high elves, I will have to find a suitable ruler to clean up the place and begin the long, slow process of bringing the remaining citizens back to civilization. It’s a nightmare. My mother weeps from beyond the veil.”

“But the castle is liberated? The confederacy defeated?” I asked.

“Yes. It is done.”

Quest Complete. The Vengeance of the Daughter. Part One.

All surviving members of the assault like you 20% more. That doesn’t really mean anything. Especially since half the squad is dead because you left the southern shore unprotected. The real prize comes at the end of part two.

I exchanged a look with Donut and waited for the notification. It came immediately.

New Quest. The Vengeance of the Daughter.

Part Two of Two.

Tsarina Signet has taken back her family’s castle only to find the place in ruins and the Confederacy in tatters. Her people have regressed to a time before society taught them that eating everybody they meet is just rude. They are nothing better than selfish, wild animals, reminiscent of those creatures who crawl over each other to purchase televisions on Black Friday each year. Signet has a long road ahead of her to reunite her people.

But that shit’s boring, and we ain’t gonna make you have anything to do with it. We’re still on the revenge track, and we’re going to fast forward to the good stuff.

The true culprit in all of this are the murderous and xenophobic high elves. And since King Finian is now dead, your target is Tsarina Signet’s half-sister, Queen Imogen. The reclusive, pure-blooded mage rarely ventures from her chambers deep in the impenetrable high elf castle. She does, however, make an appearance at the yearly party the high elves throw for the most elite citizens of their empire.

The same party you will be invited to should you remain one of the game’s top players.

Help Signet kill Queen Imogen. Destroy the stranglehold the high elves have on the Hunting Grounds. Only then will the daughter find her revenge.

Fair warning. This one won’t be nearly as easy as the last.

Reward: Upon killing Queen Imogen, the contents of the High Elf Castle will become available to loot. There’s a rumor they have something hidden within that will protect one from Scolopendra’s attacks. That, plus a metric fuck ton of other good shit.

“I suppose we now must deal with this elf queen,” Donut said, still licking her paw.

“Yes,” Signet said, her voice tired. “But not tonight. Tonight, we mourn and celebrate those we’ve lost.”

Despite the victory, a dark cloud fell over the camp.

I watched as all the tattoos on Signet moved to the front and looked down on the exploded remnants of Miss Nadine. The were-castors had all returned to their short, chee forms and were huddled in a circle around the body. A pair moved downstream to see if they could locate Clint’s corpse, but I knew they’d never find it.

“Signet, you’re not planning on being their ruler?” Donut finally asked.

“Not with my curse,” she said. “It’s not something that I will ever be able to remove from myself.”

“I’ll do it,” Samantha said as she rolled past. She had something gross stuck in her hair, and Mongo was sniffing after her. “Remember our deal. Once we get rid of the high elves, you’re going to get me a body.” She rolled off. Signet just watched her.

Edgar emerged from the water, climbing slowly onto the shore. The ancient tortoise had bright, gooey blood on his jaws, making it look like he’d just eaten a strawberry. He paused at the sight of Miss Nadine. He sighed and lowered his green head.

“Edgar,” Signet asked. “Do we have enough moonlight left?”

“We do,” the tortoise said. He lumbered off toward the back of the camp. “I’ll get my stick.”

~

Donut and I sat, fascinated, as we watched Edgar the tortoise use a silver, needle-like stick in his mouth to poke a new tattoo onto the skin of Signet. Both Mongo and Samantha also stopped to watch the process. Edgar dipped the thin stick into the remains of Miss Nadine, which sucked up pieces of the exploded caterpillar like a straw. It made a slurping noise as the fur and quills and white guts got pulled in, like the sound of a malfunctioning bilge pump. He then turned and poked at Signet’s thigh. With each poke, a dot appeared and then moved out of the way. The tortoise wasn’t actually drawing the tattoo, but just poking in the same spot over and over, and the dots moved on their own, slowly forming the image.

Each poke made an odd, pen-clicking sound as it entered her body, like he was tapping the stick directly against bone.

The other tattoos on her body swirled in circles around the new, half-completed one, giving it a wide amount of bare skin. The new, unfinished tattoo curled in on itself, as if cold and afraid.

Donut: THIS IS DISGUSTING. BUT I CAN’T LOOK AWAY. IT’S LIKE THAT PIMPLE SHOW MISS BEATRICE ALWAYS WATCHED.

Carl: Yeah, it’s pretty gross. Don’t say it out loud though.

“So all of these tattoos are from fallen companions?” I asked. I whispered the question. The whole process had taken on an almost spiritual vibe. The other were-castors around us along with the remaining bush elves and other odds and ends. They all watched silently, reverently. The only sound was the clicking and the occasional rush of water down below.

“Yes,” Signet said, also whispering. “Or fallen enemies whom we’ve deemed worthy. I received my first one the night my mother was killed. That was the same night I met Edgar.”

“So, you were a little girl, crying and alone, and some tortoise guy walked up to you and said, ‘hey kid, would you like a tattoo?’” Donut asked.

Edgar, with his mouth still wrapped around the tattoo stick, grunted with soft laughter.

Wait a moment,” Donut added, looking between Areson the ogre and the three-headed ogre tattoo on Signet who glared back at the cat. “That tattoo there is clearly the same as Mr. Areson here, and Carl says there was another ogre that looked like another one of the heads, too. If that’s a tattoo of him, they’re not of all dead guys.”

Areson grunted.

Signet chuckled softly, looking sadly up at the ogre. “Areson, Apollon, and Herman are ogres, yes, but they were born the day their progenitor fell. Di-we. He is the second tattoo I received. A three-headed nodling who died protecting me from agents of my sister. When a nodling dies, he splits into a new creature depending on how many heads the original had. These new creatures emerge as toddlers but quickly grow. The original body remains, and we used that for the tattoo. Areson here has a third of the knowledge of his progenitor. He remained here in the Hunting Grounds. Apollon traveled with us to the Over City where he worked in the circus. Herman is down below in Larracos.”

She paused, her eyes going glossy for just a moment. And then she added, “I hope one day to see him again.”

“A nodling?” Donut asked. “Carl, isn’t that what the Popov brothers are?”

“Yes,” I said. I was thinking the same thing. That actually created more questions than answers regarding the two men who’d picked that odd race. “They only have two heads, not three.”

“A nodling can be anything from two to six heads,” Signet said. “They’re usually two or three.”

It took another hour for the tattoo to be finished. By the time it was done, the sun was starting to peek over the distant horizon. The finished tattoo was small, maybe four inches long. We watched as the likeness of Miss Nadine took a tentative step on Signet’s skin. The three-headed ogre—Di-we—went to a knee before the newcomer and put his hand on her. She curled up, afraid.

“Does she know who she is?” I asked. It suddenly occurred to me that Miss Nadine might not have asked to be turned into a tattoo upon her death, and that this wasn’t necessarily an honor depending on how you looked at it.

“She is not Miss Nadine,” Signet said, looking down lovingly at the new tattoo. “She is a blood and ink elemental, and she is a combination of the remains of who she was and of my personal memories of her. She is like a living portrait painted with her blood. But she is not real. Not in the sense you’re asking. She is a facsimile. A loving memory.”

As I watched, the caterpillar straightened and then formed into a young, female chee wearing a long, flowing skirt. She looked up at the ogre, wide-eyed. A smaller, child chee appeared, peeking out from behind her skirt.

Next to me, Holger gasped. “It’s Clint! She brought Clint with him! Oi, but he’s how he was before we changed. Look at all that hair.”

“It happens sometimes,” Signet said softly, watching the new tattoo. The child Clint looked about, wide-eyed. “She loved him so much that his memory lived within her. So when we drew the tattoo, she brought his memory with her even though we didn’t have his body. I have another such tattoo upon me as well.”

Holger reached forward reverently, his finger stopping an inch from the half-naiad’s skin. “I’ll miss you, buddy. But you got Miss Nadine with you. Here and wherever else you are. You’re safer than we are.” He reached up and rubbed his eyes. One by one, the surviving were-castors bowed before Signet’s skin before turning away.

Christ, I thought, watching the exchange. This goddamned place.

Just as the sun fully rose, the were-castors returned to the water, set on building a wooden dam around the entrance of the castle. Holger popped up a few minutes later to complain that they couldn’t reach the alarm trap that had fallen deep into a vent. “Wonderwall” was playing on an endless loop.

“We won’t need to build a defense around the castle. Not with that racket playing,” the man said.

“Why would you want to turn it off?” Donut asked.

~

We needed to get to a saferoom. I had my first appointment coming up. I was to help judge an art contest or some bullshit, and we didn’t have time to get back to Point Mongo. There was a small village a few miles north of us, but instead we opted to cross the river, pass through the carnage on the south shore, and head toward a small dryad settlement south of there. It was an extra few miles, but it was in the direction we wanted to go. Once we got ourselves settled, we’d take the town, train the guards, and then maybe poke at the dinosaur quest.

From there, we were going to spend the rest of the time hunting the hunters and preparing for the inevitable battle against Queen Imogen.

“I’ll be in contact,” Signet said as we prepared to leave.

“We’ll be moving around,” I said. “How will you find us?”

She smiled devilishly. “Don’t worry about that. Once we have a plan in place for the assault on the elves, I’ll send someone to collect you. In the meantime, we’ll be moving southeast toward their territory. Imogen will know I’m back by now, so we will be running, fighting, and hiding from now on. We will continue to hunt the outworlders as well.”

“Be careful of them,” I said. “Just kill them as soon as you find them. Don’t try to capture them. They’ll be getting stronger by the day, and soon they may be too strong to easily kill.”

She kissed me on the cheek before she turned away.

I approached the water and pulled my kayak as Donut stored Mongo. We needed to keep him locked up because we knew other dinosaurs were in the area. They had a way of sensing each other, and that wasn’t something I was ready to deal with just yet.

A low fog had descended onto the river, covering it like a blanket. I still caught occasional glances of the dead ursine on the opposite shore. I wanted to get there before the forest critters ate them all. Some of them had magical gear.

I eased into the kayak, and Donut jumped to my shoulder, looking down suspiciously at the water. I tossed Samantha in as well. The sex doll head had fallen asleep, and she was snoring loudly. We proceeded to make the short trek across the river.

“You know this Signet lady wants to jump your bones, right?” Donut asked as we were halfway across. I kept a wary eye on the far shore. It wasn’t as sloped as the north shore. I wondered how many traps were over there.

“If she does, it’s because the producers are making her feel that way.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that for a second. But if I know anything, Carl, it’s how story arcs work. She’s going to want to boink your brains out before the final battle. There’ll probably be a meadow involved, and she’ll be wearing a ring of flowers in her hair, and there’ll be candles and butterflies. She might cry out for her mother during the sex, and there’ll be all sorts of back arching and nails raking across skin. You’ll be grunting like an overheated water buffalo like always. And afterward, they’re going to try to kill you. That’s the rule. That’s how this sort of thing works. Sex with a guest star always spells doom. Well, I’m not going to let it happen. You are not to ever be alone with her again.”

“I am not going to ‘boink’ Signet.”

“No, you’re not. Not if I have anything to say about it. It’s too bad Areson and Holger are both so hideous. That’s the real problem. There’s no other decent looking people in the party for the sex sacrifice. Other than myself, of course. I’m pretty sure she’s not a lesbian, though. Even those bush elf guys all look like they’ve just been released from a hard labor work camp. I thought elves were supposed to be sexy.”

We hit the shore, and I went to work. I tied the still-sleeping Samantha to my back by her hair as we looted the mangled ursine. Samantha was right. These guys were big dead. All chomped in half by something huge. The pink feathers of the boa littered the shore. The stench of death filled the air. I picked up multiple bits of armor and several enchanted daggers and swords. There wasn’t anything overly valuable, but it was all worth over a thousand in gold.

Most of the traps had already been disarmed or triggered, but I managed to find and disarm a few additional ones on the edges of the area, including a new one called Slippery Slope, which would’ve caused me to slip and fall into the water. The traps all went into the inventory.

“Keep an eye out for the dinosaurs,” I said as we moved into the woods, heading south. The town was supposedly a few hours south.

Zev checked in and told me to hurry up. She warned I’d be transferred whether I was in a saferoom or not, which meant abandoning Donut in the wild. She was being unusually insistent that we hurry. I took the hint and picked up the pace.

We came across several mobs, most of them things called thorny dervishes, which were creeping plant things that reminded me of blackberry bushes, only they moved like spiders. The flowers on them were on Mordecai’s list, so we quickly killed several and took their bodies. In addition, we picked up several more items Mordecai wanted, much to his delight. We didn’t see any major mobs or dinosaurs, but we did manage a good, solid hour and a half of grinding as we moved quickly. Samantha woke up, and she bitched loudly from my shoulder, wanting to be let down. I kept her tied up. Her shouts attracted more mobs, all of which we easily killed. I was more than ready to get to a saferoom and dump her back inside.

The town finally came into focus. It reminded me of the very first town we’d found, but even smaller. A single funeral bell guard stood out front. Treehouses crawled up trees at odd angles. Most of the buildings were made of bamboo-like planks. Even from the outskirts, the village smelled sweet, like fresh flowers and rain.

Zev: Carl, Donut. Get to the saferoom. I won’t be able to stop or delay the transfer. You have two minutes. Or maybe you should… Nevermind. I can’t say that. Just get there.

The view counter, which had been relatively middle-of-the-road since before the whole tattoo thing started was suddenly spiked, buried all the way to the right. The movement was sudden and jarring, like the folks on the intergalactic internet were realizing something just after Zev had realized it, whatever this might be.

Uh-oh, I thought.

Entering Alucarda.

“Carl, this village already has a name!” Donut said. “Not fair! I wanted to name it!”

I paused, looking around quickly. “Be careful,” I hissed. “There might be another crawler here.”

“Well, that’s just not acceptable. This is why we need Katia. She has that Find Crawler skill. Carl, I don’t see any dots at all on the map. It’s broken!”

“There’s a protection spell. Go!”

We moved quickly, coming to a line of businesses. I paused at the entrance to the pub, a small building called The Aloe Mana. The logo was a cactus glowing blue. A tree-like dryad stood out front. He had a monkey climbing in his branches.

“Hey,” I said, my hand on the door. I could see the inside of the saferoom. It was a fast-food restaurant of some sort with nobody inside except a single bopca. Donut sat on my shoulder and Samantha remained on my back. “Do you know who the mayor of this town is?”

“It was R’aggah,” the tree guy said. “But he has returned to the earth. An evil woman has taken control. A woman with two beasts that kill indiscriminately. Mayor Lucia.”

Fuck me. “Where is she now?” I asked.

“Ooh, who’s that? She looks like my type of crazy,” Samantha said from my back.

And that’s when I transferred away.

~

Hello, hello. I hope you're all doing well. I tried to get this done before the end of the month, but August kicked my ass. I had an unexpected trip to LA to find my child's car which was parked "Somewhere" at LAX parking, and then I had to drive it back to Seattle. I went straight from there to Crypticon, which was great and fun. I got to meet a few of you guys, which was great. But that environment was not conducive to writing.  I got to meet Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy, which was pretty awesome. That's okay if you don't know who that is, but it was a big deal to me.

While I have several more cons coming up, I don't have any more traveling planned until November, thank goodness. Fair warning. That month (November) is going to be a rough one in terms of productivity. I'm literally gone for more than half the month. I'll try to add advance chapters and bonus content that month.

I'll be in Vegas at the 20Books Conference the first week of Novermber, btw. If anyone else is in the area, there will be multiple get-togethers featuring loads of litrpg authors. Let me know if you wanna hang.

Also, I did an interview on Drew Hayes' podcast. Here it is. Just don't look at that picture of me. That is an old-ass picture, and I look much more haggard and tired now.  So if you want to hear me say "uh" a lot and talk about you guys and corgis riding dinosaurs, here you go:    https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=Xer_SgElc2o

Anyway, there's always a point in these books where the story starts to pick up speed and then it starts to get crazier and crazier until it ends with the big what-to-do at the end. We are on the precipice of that point in this story. We still have a ways to go before this arc is done, but there's gonna be some wackadoodle shit between now and then.  

Again, thank you all for being a patron. I appreciate each and every one of you.