Chapters 186-191 (Patreon)

Before we get too excited, this post is just three chapters. I’ve done some hardcore rearranging which completely borked the chapter numbers. The final chapter in the current form is going to be 196, I believe. It will be included in the next update. I will also get everyone who wants a pdf or file of the completed book.

And to be clear. There are no chapters 186, 187, And 188. I split up some earlier chapters that you read as a single chapter.

~~~~

Chapter 189

Colored lights started to bounce back and forth on stage.

“I want you to put your hands together!” Louis shouted.

Topping out at number two on September 6th, 2014, it’s “Anaconda!”

Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to first look at each other and then the stage. The Popov twins, Imani, and Elle came to stand next to me. I caught Imani’s eye, and she gave me a look that said, you need to learn to control your goddamned cat.

Carl: Louis. Where is that music coming from?

Louis: She made me do it. I built a boombox that makes it so it’s not so loud.

Carl: Those are my trap modules. How many did you use?

Louis: Uh. Hang on a second. Don’t get madder.

The Nicki Minaj and Sir Mix-a-Lot song, which had nothing to do with either dinosaurs or snakes, started blasting on stage. Despite Louis’s assurance that it wasn’t as loud as normal, it was still ridiculously amplified. The floor thumped with the bass.

Two of my expensive and hard-to-make, colored, signal flare smoke bombs exploded, one in each corner.

“Motherfuck,” I hissed.

“It’s Mongo!” Louis cried, his voice louder than the music. There was an odd distortion effect added to his voice, like we were at a monster truck rally. Mongo rushed out, emerging through the smoke, which swirled in eddies that stopped the moment they hit the edge of the stage. I knew down below in the attendant ballroom, the whole damn room was probably filling with smoke right now. Mongo was down there while Donut remained here on this floor. She could still fully interact with him, but only while she was upon the stage.

Mongo did a circle and then stopped in the center. He roared, waving his arms in the air, causing more smoke to twirl. His roar was also amplified.

Donut strolled onto stage, her new tiara gleaming. She wore a little headset microphone I’d never seen before. She did a little hop and then jumped upon Mongo’s back.

“Earthquake!” Donut cried, her voice also amplified, and Mongo leaped into the air and landed hard on stage, shaking it. A pair of pyrotechnic explosions went off, loud as gunshots.

“As a level-34, male mongoliensis, Mongo is the prime example of the term, ‘alpha predator,’” Louis intoned over the loudspeaker. “His powerful legs and claws are perfect for eviscerating opponents. His blue and red feathers with a slight insinuation of youthful pink present a masculine form that hints at a sensitive depth. The ladies love him.”

Suddenly there were three lady Mongos on stage—none of them were Kiwi—and they each took a step toward Mongo and screeched. One of them held onto a pink heart made of construction paper with “Mongo” written on it.

“Sorry, ladies,” Donut said, with all the bravado of a stage performer presenting a skit at an amusement park. “He’s taken.”

The girl dinos disappeared back into the smoke, abandoning the heart onto the ground.

“But it’s not all fighting and love with this adorable velociraptor,” Louis announced. “Mongo also knows how to have a good time. His hobbies include cooking, long walks in nature, and of course...”

Donut backflipped off Mongo and landed in the center of the stage. Mongo leaped all the way to the edge of stage left.

“...Dancing!”

The velociraptor moonwalked back across the platform. He goddamn moonwalked. As he passed Donut, she popped her sunglasses onto her face. Both bopped their heads to the music.

Next to me, Elle mouthed, “Holy shit.”

Even some of the hunters ended up clapping.

~

Donut: CARL DID YOU SEE IT! LOUIS MESSED UP SOME OF THE LINES, AND WE ORIGINALLY PLANNED ON MONGO LEAPING COMPLETELY OFFSTAGE BEFORE THE MOONWALK REVEAL, BUT IT WENT ALMOST PERFECTLY. DID YOU SEE THE JUDGES? THE BLOB GUY WAS SHAKING, AND I’M LIKE REALLY SURE THAT’S A GOOD THING.

Carl: I distinctly remember saying “low-key.”

Donut: THAT WAS LOW KEY, CARL. THEY TOLD ME I COULDN’T DO MY MAGIC MISSILE ENTRANCE WE HAD PLANNED. THIS WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO MY BRITNEY SPEARS ACT MISS BEATRICE AND I PERFORMED IN CLEVELAND.

Carl: You sat in a cage and let judges look at your butthole at your cat shows.

Donut: NOT AT THE BAR AFTERWARD. HONESTLY, CARL. IT’S LIKE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY LIFE. WAIT, I’M COMING OUT.

Up on the stage, the final entrant was making their appearance. It was Garret the tummy acher with Tserendolgor. It’d taken five minutes for all the smoke to clear. Louis couldn’t figure out how to turn the trap module music off, and I’d had to give him instructions over chat.

Ren was awkwardly explaining how the large meatball could tank attacks and attract incoming missiles.

Garret made a giggling noise that sounded like something out of a horror movie. They were off the stage, and it was done. The winner wouldn’t be announced until after the talent show.

“Donut, how in God’s name did you train Mongo to moonwalk?” Elle demanded the moment Donut appeared from backstage, tail swishing triumphantly.

“Oh, it was nothing,” Donut said. “Wait until you see our real dance number later.”

“Yeah, I heard about it,” Elle said. “But now people aren’t going to be surprised.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Donut said. “The next performance is going to be amazing.”

As they talked, I moved to my chat. Normally-calm Imani was on the verge of a nervous breakdown over everything having gone wrong so far, and I was spending a lot of effort on keeping her sane.

I’d had a few reports of the outside crawlers fighting mobs as everyone moved into elf territory, but the elves themselves still hadn’t moved to attack anyone.

Carl: Bomo, Sledge check in.

Bomo: Lots of stuff left behind.

Mordecai: He ain’t lying. He keeps bringing armfuls of armor and swords back. He also has some guns and power armor, but they’re race restricted. We should’ve made him a cart.

Carl: Excellent.

When the brambles attacked, a small but determined party of experienced hunters decided to remain in Zockau. Since Bomo could freely enter the saferoom, we’d sent him in regularly to get updates on the group. The brambles didn’t breach the saferoom walls. Instead of fleeing, the remaining hunters who hadn’t been teleported away decided to carve out a safe space for themselves.

The act of fighting the neverending onslaught of thorns didn’t give any experience, but it filled one’s bloodbar, which allowed them the relative safety of the saferoom in exchange for fifteen minutes of garden duty once every ten hours. Once the Butcher’s Masquerade started, however, the remaining hunters all teleported away, which effectively turned Zockau into a ghost town, save a few surviving NPCs.

I sent Bomo in to collect all the excess gear. Piles of the equipment had been abandoned in the saferoom, sorted into little mounds. Because of their limited inventory, the hunters who’d collected the stuff were only taking the most valuable items they could carry. The thing was, you weren’t allowed to steal in saferooms. It was just as bad as killing someone. That went out the window once the person left the room, however. All the stuff became fair game.

Some of the hunters had personal spaces and kept their excess in there, but not all of them. Most of it was worthless junk, the same stuff I would normally toss to Donut to sell. I didn’t care. I wanted it all.

The Sledge, who’d so far spent the entire floor playing video games in the saferoom, was already engaged with his much more dangerous mission. He was currently approaching the tunnel that led to the caves where they’d move into the castle’s from below. The were-castors and Areson and the rest of Signet’s crew would be there to help them make their way through the lower tunnels and into the secret, dungeon-level entrance.

Sledge: Mantises.

Carl: What?

I exchanged a worried look with Imani and Louis, who were both in all the chats regarding the changeling evacuation.

Sledge: Lots of mantises. Everywhere. We gotta fight them. They keep coming, flying in.

Imani: I’m starting to get reports of other crawlers fighting mantises, too. They’re hitting the stairwell locations. They’re all level-20 nymphs, but there’s a lot of them, and they’re fast.

Carl: Sledge, get in those tunnels. Try not to fight. You need to get the changelings in through that door. Let me know as soon as they’re in.

Sledge: Too many. We getting picked up by airship. We go in from above instead.

Carl: Okay. Be careful of the sentinel towers. They’ll still be armed. Use the bombs on them if you have to. Just don’t drop any on the main part of the castle. Let me know when you’re in.

Louis: Make sure you tell that Skarn kid to moor the ship to the tower. It’s really important!

“Fuck,” I said out loud. “So much for subtle.”

“What’s going on?” Katia asked.

As Imani explained what was happening out there via chat, I looked across the room at Vrah, who stood there holding a plate of food in a claw, looking directly at the now-drained warning light Britney had disabled.

Uh-oh.

“Wait,” Louis asked. “Where are all the mantis babies coming from?”

“Diwata is still here somehow,” I said. “It’s like Samantha warned. She turned into a boy mantis, cured Vrah, then turned into a girl and is out there somewhere, shooting babies into the world.”

“I called it!” Donut said. “And all those babies are both Vrah’s kids and siblings! That’s like really gross!” She looked across the room and pointed at Vrah. “Disgusting! You should be ashamed!” she shouted.

“Don’t praying mantises lay eggs in weird sacs?” Louis asked.

“Apparently not this kind,” I said.

Carl: Samantha. How many babies will Diwata have once she starts giving birth?

Samantha: WHEN AM I GOING? I AM GETTING BORED. I COULD’VE SNEAKED AWAY FIVE TIMES NOW.

Carl: Not yet. Any minute now. Answer the question.

Samantha: SHE’LL HAVE AS MANY BABIES AS SHE WANTS. HER BABY SPRINKLER WILL SHOOT THEM OUT UNTIL THE VERY END OF TIME IF SHE WANTS.

Carl: Shit. Okay. You still have that potion ball shoved up you?

Samantha: I HAVE IT. IT’S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT I HAVE IT.

“This is fucked up on so many levels,” Elle was saying. “I mean, think about it. Those are her children. Sort of. And she’s birthing them here. Remember that dude who blew up when Diwata was born? I was talking to that hunter guy over there with no eyebrows, and did you know, Vrah’s people tricked his brother into going into that temple and being used as the birthing vessel for Diwata? They plain murdered another hunter just to cure Vrah of a venereal disease. Vrah messaged him and said he’d be safe if he went in there, and they somehow tricked him into submitting to the ritual. The brother is pissed about it. And now this Circe bug lady is having actual, flesh-and-blood babies and just sending them out into the world. What’s going to happen when the floor collapses? Are they just going to go away? They’re her kids!”

“They’re probably all deformed and stuff, too,” Donut said. “Do you think any have flippers? Can you imagine that? A bug with flippers!”

I was about to make a quip about Donut’s own lineage, but thought better of it. “Donut, get to Chaco’s counter and get those upgrades we talked about."

Mordecai: I’ve figured out the a loophole they’re using to keep the goddess active on this floor. If she’s in the middle of casting a spell, she won’t leave until the spell finishes casting. She had a five-minute limit, but she got to Vrah in time, did a quick pump and dump and then turned to a female mantis and immediately started giving birth. That’s the spell. She’ll stay as long as she’s still giving birth. The plus side is she’ll be in the form of a gonorrhea-infected female mantis and won’t be able to cast any other spells. She’ll still be immortal, but she’ll be giving birth, in pain, and without her god strength. I hope.

Donut: IT IS ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING. MONGO IS APPALLED.

“Hey,” Firas said. “Weren’t we supposed to keep Florin away from Lucia?”

Chapter 190

We all turned to see the crocodilian standing over the sobbing form of Lucia. He had both hands on her shoulders, like he was about to choke her.

I cursed as Imani, Katia, Elle, and I all moved to intercept.

“Florin,” I shouted as we all pulled up.

Then, to my utter astonishment, the Lajabless threw herself into Florin’s embrace, and she wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back. “It’s okay,” he said, stroking her hair. “It’s okay. We’ll sort it out.”

The crocodilian turned to look at us. “We need to keep her safe at all costs.”

“What?” I asked. I looked at the others, bewildered. “What?”

“They’re in there with her,” he said.

“Who?” I asked. “Where?”

“I want my mom,” Lucia said.

Her accent is different. What the hell?

They both stopped suddenly and looked at each other. Lucia pushed Florin away. The change had been instantaneous. I saw it happen. Her swagger returned. I’d seen this before, this rapid personality change, on the recap from her fight with Donut. It was like a switch had been flipped. Everything about her other than her actual appearance changed, all at once. Her face scrunched up in anger. Her shoulders hunched. Her voice transformed to the way it’d been before.

“Get off me you ugly fuck, or I’ll put a hole in your head like I did to your whore.”

Florin put his hands up and backed off. “All right, kid. Just take it easy, okay? Don’t do anything stupid. Remember we’re all on the same boat.”

Donut was suddenly on my shoulder. “Carl, what’s happening?”

Lucia pointed at Donut and hissed. “She’s still dead. No matter what happens. Blood for blood. She killed Cici. I kill her.” She turned back to the buffet, walking with a slight limp because of her mismatched legs. She yelled for tequila.

Florin waved us back. “Leave her be!”

“That’s right. Leave me be!” Lucia shouted without turning. She cackled with laughter. Eva remained at the bar between the buffets. I cringed at the thought of those two together.

“I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately,” Elle said, “but what the hell is going on?”

Florin reached up and put his finger to his temple, which had become our universal gesture to move it to chat.

Florin: I don’t understand it all. There are multiple people in there. Real people, mostly kids. The girl I was talking to is named Jill. She’s ten years old, and she’s Dutch. I thought she was trying to pull something, but she’s telling the truth. She knew the prime minister of the Netherlands. That is no street kid from Ecuador running an op.

Carl: Dude. What?

Florin: I don’t know, mate. Something to do with the dog and a guy named Alexandro. But there are kids in there. In her head. Multiple kids. We have to get that dog. Not her. The dog. It can still control her from afar, but only in short bursts. Once we get it, it’s gone.

I just sat there for several moments, trying to make sense of what he said. I pulled up a new chat window.

Carl: Zev, what is this bullshit? You guys said there were no children crawlers allowed.

Zev: It’s complicated, Carl. You don’t have to be involved in everything. We’re not going to discuss it. Especially not now. Head’s up.

“You’re red as a tomato,” Florin said. “You feeling okay, mate?”

A heavy weight landed on my shoulder, opposite of the one Donut stood upon.

“Yeah, mate? You feeling okay?”

Ferdinand. He’d come out of nowhere. He said it with a condescending, mocking tone.

Carl: Samantha. He’s distracted. Go, go, go.

Chapter 191

~

<note added="" by="" carl="" crawler="" edition=""> </note>

From page ten of our planning notes:

Louis here. I took Carl’s advice and started studying the castle map. There are multiple small tunnels leading everywhere. At first I thought they were HVAC ducts. I was gonna do that for a while. My cousin was gonna help me get into the school, but they tested for weed. At a school. Isn’t that dumb? Anyway, I got to looking at these ducts on the map, and I realized that’s not what they are. Their placement doesn’t make sense. There’s that elf spa on the sixth floor, right? The one with the bathes, and the tunnels go all around it and into the dressing room next door. As soon as I saw that, I knew. I got this friend back home. His name was Jojo, and he lived with his crazy-ass grandma until she died. She was one of those cat ladies. You could smell the place from down the street. Had like 20 of them. When she died, they found a dead cat in her freezer. Can you believe that shit? Anyway, Jojo’s grandma once paid a dude to build a bunch of tunnels around her house, and I realized they were just like these. This queen lady has a pet cat, right? I think these tunnels are how he gets around the castle. Donut said he’s a pervert. He uses the tunnels to spy and to get places. There’s lots of short cuts, and when it goes up a floor, it goes back and forth like Super Mario platforms, making it easier for the cat to jump up quickly and quietly. One of those tunnels goes to the third floor, right into the security room. It makes sense if he’s all up in the castle’s business all the time. If we can get Donut into the tunnel or maybe Katia can turn into a slug or something, they can sneak into the tunnel and get to the security room.

~Louis.

That’s a great idea. Good eye. But we’ll be watched like hawks, and we’re thinking we won’t be allowed to leave the ballrooms. The timing is really important. Also, I’m not turning into a slug. Carl. What do you think about using Samantha?

~ Katia.

She’s not reliable enough. Our entire escape plan fails if she’s not successful.

~ Imani.

I’m mapping out a path right now to see if it’s feasible. She’ll be downstairs, so she’ll have to start booking it as soon as the talent show portion starts, or hopefully earlier once we get eyeballs on Ferdinand to know they won’t run into each other in the tunnel. We’ll also have to devise a method so she can quickly and quietly deal with the elves in the security room without raising the alarm. She talks a big game, but she can’t actually do anything.

~ Carl.

I’LL DO IT! AND I CAN FIGHT JUST FINE. I WILL KILL YOU ALL. AND ALL THE ELVES. AND THEIR MOTHERS.

~ Psamathe

What the hell? Samantha, how’d you find this?

NOBODY GOES TO THE BATHROOM THIS MUCH, CARL. I’M NOT AN IDIOT. ALSO YOU’RE USING THE WRONG TYPE OF INK FOR THIS. REMIND ME, AND I WILL SHOW YOU SOMETHING REALLY AWESOME

~ Psamathe.

~

Donut hissed and poofed all the way out. Imani swooped in and peeled Donut off my shoulder, cradling her in her arms and wings before the cat had the chance to swipe and attack. Donut issued a deep growl.

I could feel the weight of Ferdinand on my shoulder. I reached up and touched his tail, and I felt my hand reach easily through him after a slight push. He could touch me, but I couldn’t touch him. I had no idea how that worked. He was in the queen’s ballroom. Not really here. The intricacies of the ballroom system were still a little confusing to me, but all that was important was that he could rip my throat out right now, and there would be nothing I could about it.

Elle was the first to start laughing, followed by Louis. Even Bautista and the Popovs both started to chuckle. I looked up, and finally saw what was so funny.

“Dude,” I said to Ferdinand. “What are you wearing?”

“What am I wearing? What do you mean?” the cat asked, surprised. He looked about the room. All around, crawlers looked at him with amusement.

“On your head,” I said.

He sported an enormous, poofy turban. The thing was made from gold fabric, and a white feather rose up into the air, curling in itself. The feather was probably four feet long. It looked like a racist, costume-shop caricature, blown up to absurd proportions.

“This is my royal hat! Do not mock my royal hat! It makes me the most handsome boy in the castle!”

I examined him.

Sir Ferdinand. Cat.

Familiar of Queen Imogen of the High Elves.

Level 100 Province Boss.

It’s not easy to live amongst the high elves, especially when you’re not a high elf yourself. Over the centuries, countless adorable creatures have found themselves upon the laps of high elf royalty. It is a dangerous place to sit.

Eventually, the elven kings and queens have tired of their pets. Or discovered them to be too intelligent. Too cunning. Too eager. And eventually, the kings and queens would order not just the execution of the pet, but of the entire species. It is the way of the high elves.

Ferdinand owes his life to the fact that Queen Imogen is rather fond of him. She’s fond of him in the same way a surgeon is fond of their favorite scalpel or a mass murderer is fond of their favorite chainsaw.

Like all cats, Ferdinand’s biggest weakness is the fact he is utterly convinced that whatever thought enters his chicken nugget-sized brain is not just the truth, but it is the obvious, unalienable truth and anyone who thinks anything otherwise is not just a fool, but an imbecile deserving of nothing less than utter contempt and mockery. He is prone to self-aggrandizing behavior. He doesn’t understand the concept of being told no. He doesn’t understand the concept of not being worshipped.

It’s rumored he’s somehow even managed to sneak a small amount of magical control over the castle itself, slipping a few cat-sized hallways here and there where nobody else would notice. He never even thought to ask permission. The idea of asking for permission to do anything is antithetical to his very nature.

And it’s not just Ferdinand. This is typical of the entire species. Cats don’t ask for permission. They never apologize.

They’re soulless murderers. All of them.

From Imani’s grip, Donut scoffed in outrage at the description.

“You look like you have a fat, egg-laying goose parked on your head,” Louis continued.

“No, not a goose. It’s like one of those weird mushroom penises,” Elle said, laughing. “It’s like they made a hat designed to look like Horton the mushroom guy over there.” She turned. “Hey, Horton! Come here! You have merch!”

From across the room, the mushroom guy lifted a middle finger at Elle.

Elle continued to laugh. “I love that guy. Seriously, cat. How do you even walk around in that thing? Are you here to tell us our fortunes? Should we call you Cat-nac the Magnificent?”

“How dare you!” Ferdinand sputtered, anger rising. He spit twice. His tail swished back and forth in a very familiar motion. “You fools! Simpletons! I will rip you to shreds for this! I will spill your entrails upon the ground and squeal with delight as I bathe in your offal. Do you not know who I am?”

Elle: Donut, your ex-boyfriend has anger issues.

Donut: I’VE ALWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO THE BAD BOYS.

Elle: You and me both, sister.

Carl: Don’t scare him away. Katia?

Katia: Almost there... okay. Got it. He’s level 100. Province boss. Listed as a minion. Stats are 100 down the line except dexterity which is 125 and charisma which is 75. That means his constitution plus charisma equals 175, so we’re good there. That stupid hat is magical, too, but it doesn’t affect his stats. It gives him a level 10 lightning spell. He can go invisible, so we gotta be careful. He has the ability to phase jump, and his claw attack looks pretty brutal.

We’d smuggled a pair of those Size-Up potions I’d gotten from Miriam Dom in here specifically for this. I’d originally thought they were to make me physically larger. In fact, the expensive and rare potions were made to give specific facts about mobs. It took just over 30 seconds for the information to seep in, so they weren’t suited for fast-moving combat situations, but it was how Miriam Dom and Prepotente would know exactly how to slowly kill the giant boss monsters.

Carl: Everybody get that? Donut, you’re up.

Donut, still in Imani’s grip suddenly went rigid.

Donut: Carl, I don’t think I can do this. It only worked a little on the elves.

Carl: He’s not an elf. Eye on the prize. Remember how he tried to kill Mongo. If we do this right, he’ll never hurt Mongo again. We need to do this so you don’t have to fight him.

Donut composed herself and returned to my shoulder. Donut’s unenhanced, base charisma currently sat at 138. Upon her head sat her new benefactor-box tiara, which temporarily doubled her charisma. Once placed upon her head, it only lasted for 30 hours before it would dissolve, which was unfortunate. But for the moment, her charisma was now a god-like 276. That was before all the buffs from the saferoom. According to Elle’s manager, Mistress Tiatha, a regular NPC’s constitution plus charisma had to be lower than a crawler’s charisma in order for the crawler to able to successfully get the NPC to fawn over them. When a white-tagged NPC was a boss, that still worked, but it had to be 100 points over to work for a province boss, which is what we’d correctly assumed Ferdinand would be.

It was impossible to charm country and floor bosses.

Donut’s charisma of 276 was 101 points over Ferdinand’s constitution plus charisma. Her effective charm with all her buffs, plus the bonus from the Seize the Day Toothpaste was well over 300. Despite her insistence it wasn’t working, we’d already been seeing the effects. She’d talked the final set of guards into not searching her closely. She’d managed to get the backstage manager to allow her to put on that ridiculous pet show entry.

It wouldn’t work on us or the hunters, but that was okay for now.

Somewhere deep in the castle, an alarm went off, but it was silenced almost as quickly as it started. Ferdinand turned his head toward the sound.

Carl: Samantha, you good?

Samantha: THAT WASN’T ME. I HAVEN’T LEFT YET! WE’RE WAITING FOR THE ELVES TO LOOK IN ANOTHER DIRECTION. LOTS OF ELF SOLDIERS ARE MOVING THROUGH, GOING OUTSIDE. WAITING FOR THEM TO PASS.

“Everyone stop making fun of his hat,” Donut announced. “I like it. I think it looks quite smart.”

“Yes. Yes it does,” Ferdinand said indignantly, turning his attention back on Donut. “I’m a handsome boy.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say handsome,” Donut said seductively, leaving the meaning unclear. “Why are you here anyway? I heard the queen wouldn’t be joining us until after the talent competition. You wanted to see my performance, didn’t you? It’s okay. You can admit it.”

As they talked, my eyes caught Eva and Vrah talking with one another. A group of hunters surrounded the pair, listening to the conversation. That couldn’t be good. I saw Eva thumb over at Signet and then at Lucia, who was now leaning over Chaco’s prize counter while holding a bottle of tequila. Several hunters were suddenly taking interest in Lucia. Li Jun, Li Na, and Gwen were moving toward them to create a barrier. I saw Katia and Imani’s eyes were both glossy, meaning they were furiously talking to one another, trying to head off whatever this was.

The ground rumbled. It was subtle and distant, but I felt it. That was one of my bombs being dropped from the Twister.

Gideon, who was hidden near the castle with a few dozen other crawlers sent a message.

Gideon: About 200 mounted elves just exited the castle. The airship was creeping in nice and slow, and suddenly there was a spotlight on it. It tried to drop a bomb on the elves, but it missed. Now the elves are running all over the place.

Carl: What about mantises?

Gideon: They’re mostly concentrated a little further north near those stairwells where everybody is gathering. We’ve only seen a few here and... uh, nevermind. Holy shit. Gotta go.

“The queen wants me to keep an eye on her sister,” Ferdinand was saying. He was still on my shoulder. “She’s gonna kill her good once the party is over. I’m supposed to stay away from her though. The bitch has a charm ability.” He looked over at the half-naiad, who remained enraptured by Empress D’Nadia.

“Also,” Ferdinand continued, “I heard your filthy dinosaur was still alive, and I had to see it for myself. I guess I accidentally hit you with my lightning bolt instead. I don’t know what to say, babe. If you wanna take a ride on my lightning, you gotta prepare yourself for the tingle.” He stood on two paws, putting his forward paws on my head and made two thrusting motions with his cat hips while he air-humped the side of my head while making grunting noises.

I watched Donut physically compose herself.

Watching a complete narcissist get charmed was fascinating. I could tell Donut had his full attention, but he still insisted on making it look like he was the one in charge.

“It was nothing. If you stick around, you can see my next performance.” Donut waved her tail seductively. “I’m going to premiere a new song.”

He hopped all the way to the top of my head. “That’s why I’m here, babe. You’re welcome.”

Samantha: I TRICKED THEM GOOD. I’M IN THE TUNNEL. NOW WHERE DO I GO?

Carl: Where do you go? You were supposed to memorize the map!

Samantha: DID YOU SEE THAT THING? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO MEMORIZE THAT? YOU MEMORIZE THE MAP!

Damnit.

The route she needed to take wasn’t direct. She was on the first floor. She had to go all the way up to the fifth floor and travel over to the main throughfare and go down again to the third. Driving her over chat was going to be a pain.

Imani, who was also in on that chat, turned and gave me an I fucking told you look.

Carl: Louis and Firas, go sit down and talk Samantha through the map to the security room. She’s forgotten the path.

Louis: I can’t! I’m busy helping Sledge with the controls of the Twister. The changelings are fighting in the air! Skarn and Bonnie are using Bonnie’s ballista system to fight!

Carl: Firas, you’re up.

Firas: On it.

“You know what,” Ferdinand was saying from my head while I dove through my chats. “I don’t like this. What do you say to me coming over to your ballroom so we can get a little more physical, if you know what I’m saying?”

Across the room, Li Na and Vrah were suddenly face to face. Louis was pacing back and forth, his hands in his hair as he directed the Sledge. The sink is running. It was happening too fast. A defeatist wave washed over me. This isn’t going to work. And then what Ferdinand said hit me, and I was shocked back into action.

Carl: Donut. Don’t let him come here. We want him to stay in the Queen’s ballroom.

But it was too late.

“I’ll be right back,” Ferdinand said. He turned and bounded from the room. He was leaving the queen’s ballroom and coming directly here. He’d be using the tunnels.

Carl: Samantha! Watch out! Ferdinand is going into the tunnels!

Samantha: I’LL KILL HIM.

Carl: No, you’ll hide!

Theobald the elf suddenly appeared on stage. He had dirt on his tuxedo, and he looked out of sorts, but not panicked. “Ladies and Gentleman. We will be doing the presentation of talents now. Everybody in the talent portion, backstage please. Thank you so very much.”

“No!” Louis suddenly shouted. He came running up, breathless. “The mantises have taken the Twister! They’re all onboard. The changelings all turned to birds and left! The Sledge had to jump!”

“Jump?” I asked, alarmed.

Carl: Sledge. Are you okay?

Sledge: I have controller. I am okay. Bonnie is okay. Bear cubs are okay. Prudence is okay.

I took a deep breath. We’d never agreed to save Prudence and the bear cubs. They were supposed to stay in the saferoom until the collapse, where they’d simply disappear. Taking care of Bonnie the gnome was difficult enough.

Gideon: Holy crap. There are mantises and elves everywhere. It all happened really fast. They’re fighting each other.

Carl: What about you guys?

Gideon: We’re still hidden. The airship has been taken. It’s covered with the bugs and is just spinning in the air. The bugs are on it like moths on a lightbulb. Those towers are like machinegun nests, but they’re shooting magic missiles. Your changelings are fast, but they’re getting torn up. They’re trying to get in through the tops of towers.

Carl: Stay down. Don’t attack until I say so.

I moved to another chat window.

Carl: Sledge, where are you?

Sledge: On roof of the castle. It very flat. No entrance.

Carl: Keep me updated.

Louis was also in the chat, and he continued to pace back and forth, randomly shouting things until I hissed at him to shut up. Several crawlers were shuffling toward backstage, but everyone stopped to look at him.

Sledge gave us updates in short, staccato bursts.

Sledge: Changelings flying to the tower... Elves are shooting at them... Changelings are fighting mantises and turning into mantises... Confusing... Elves shooting at mantises, too... Elves shooting at everything.... I have controller... Mantises or maybe changelings take one tower, going in... Changelings take another tower, going in... Elf dead on roof. Splat... Mantises dead on the roof... Changeling dead on the roof... Two turrets still have shooting elves. Two turrets see us on roof. Shooting at us... Running.

Carl: Protect Bonnie and the bears if you can.

I paused. Damnit.

Carl: But don’t sacrifice yourself for any of them. You’re more important than they are.

Sledge: I have controller... I can crash Twister into other turrets... Bombs still dangle... Like helicopter in game GTA.... I think I can get both.

Louis: THE HELL YOU ARE.

Sledge: I crash like in GTA.

Louis: DON’T CRASH THE TWISTER!

I reached up and put my hand on Louis’s shoulder and gave it a sympathetic squeeze.

Carl: Do it. Get someplace safe. Try to get Bonnie into the castle, but your safety is the priority.

I turned to talk to Donut, but she was already gone, heading backstage with Britney. Elle and Imani were also back there along with Li Na and her team. Prepotente sat with Ren, Florin, Chris, and the Popovs. Katia, Bautista, Gwen, and Tran were in the back, flanking Lucia Mar, trying to keep the hunters away. Lucia was amicably chatting with her fellow crawlers as if they were all best friends, waving her tequila bottle about. Offering drinks to everyone.

I watched as several hunters, including Vrah, Zabit, and multiple draconians moved in, creating an additional semi-circle around the group at the prize counter. Chaco backed himself up all the way against the wall, like a bartender in one of my Louis L’Amour books, ready for the inevitable shootout.

They’re gonna try to get Lucia to break the seal.

Carl: Guys, watch out for those hunters.

Katia: We’re on it. Don’t micromanage, Carl.

“Look at the guards. They’re all so calm,” Firas said, coming to stand next to me and Louis. He patted his friend on the back, who continued to hold back tears over the impending loss of the Twister. “There’s fighting inside and outside of the castle, and they’re acting like nothing has happened.”

“That’s because the ones in here are probably in the safest place,” I said with a calm I did not feel. “The party itself is a spell, and there are several parts that need to be completed for it to successfully cast. Everything may be kicking off outside, but once the queen gets in here, I’m pretty sure all the rooms get sealed. The whole building could blow up, and we’d still be safe. I think.”

“I hope so,” Firas said as the floor shook again.

Empress D’Nadia and the other two judges remained planted at the table in front of the stage and had been getting progressively more sloshed as the evening progressed. They were off someplace safe, likely watching this all go down in several different ways. Signet remained at the table with them, deep in conversation. The three judges occasionally laughed. Signet did not. I watched her get up and move off by herself. She was deep in thought.

Up on stage, a human crawler stumbled into the spotlight while Theobald, who was now offstage, announced, “First act is named Cleiton. He will be presenting humor from his homeland.”

Donut: THEY’RE SAYING I GET TO GO ON LAST. ISN’T THAT GREAT? I’M THE HEADLINER!

“Uh,” Cleiton said, clearly nervous and unprepared. His voice was amplified. He wore sapphire armor. I’d seen him before on the recap, but I couldn’t remember what his main attack was. He was on the same team as the crawler with the pet hawk. “Knock knock.”

Carl: Okay. Good. Samantha is on her way to the security room. Just sing your song, have Britney play her guitar, and have Tina dance. Don’t do the velociraptor hop. It’s too dangerous.

“Who’s there!” a lone person called from the audience.

Donut: HOW AM I GOING TO BRING THE RAZZLE DAZZLE WITHOUT THE GRAND FINALE?

Carl: We survive. That’s the finale, Donut. They’re trying to kill us all, and I don’t see a clean way out. Something is going to happen soon. Keep watch, especially during your performance. Don’t wait for us. Get out the moment the seal is broken. We’ll try to jump on stage and follow. If that doesn’t work, we’ll go with escape plan D. I bought Feather Fall potions, and I’ll hand them out.

“Uh, I am poor knee. No, wait. I said it wrong. Poor knee.”

Donut: I’M NOT GOING TO ABANDON YOU, CARL. AND YOU DON’T HAVE THE POTIONS. THEY’RE IN A PRIZE BOX. YOU WON’T HAVE TIME FOR ANY OF THAT. YOU DON’T NEED THE POTION ANYWAY.

Carl: I don’t. Others do. We’ll have time if the queen’s not in here yet. It won’t be a lot of time, but it will be enough. I’ll hand the potions out as soon as Samantha turns off the inventory and magic block.

Ferdinand rushed into the room, skidding to a stop in front of me. “You! Donut’s manservant! Did I miss her act?”

Jesus, I thought. Why’d we even bother with the potion?

“Not yet,” I said. “She’s going on last. You have plenty of time.”

“Good. Now get me refreshment! Vodka! In a bowl!” He ran to the center table and leaped upon it, interrupting the three drunk judges. “You three! Move this instant! This is the queen’s table! Wait, where did Signet go?”

“Jump into a singularity, Gravy Boat,” Empress D’Nadia said. The jello-mold alien started grunt laughing, and little bubbles gurgled out the top like a homemade volcano.

I ended up missing the punchline to the knock-knock joke.

Carl: Samantha. You good?

Samantha: HE RAN RIGHT PAST AND DIDN’T EVEN SEE ME. HE HAS TO TAKE HIS HAT OFF WHEN HE’S IN THE TUNNEL, AND HE CARRIES IT IN HIS MOUTH SO HE CAN’T SEE ANYTHING. WHAT A DWEEB. I’M ABOVE THE SECURITY ROOM NOW, BUT THERE ARE FIVE ELVES IN IT. I WILL KILL THEM ALL.

Carl: Use the potion ball. That’s why we gave it to you. Drop it right into the middle of the room. They’ll be asleep for thirty minutes.

Samantha: I DIDN’T BRING IT. I GAVE IT TO CLAY-TON. IT MADE ME CLINK WHEN I ROLLED. I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SNEAK AWAY. AND QUITE FRANKLY IT WAS VERY RUDE FOR YOU TO SHOVE THAT UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

My heart stopped. Holy shit. That was it. We were done.

Carl: God fucking damnit, Samantha. You’re gonna have to go back and get it. Hurry.

Samantha: NAH. WATCH THIS. HEY! NOT FAIR!

Carl: What! What!

Samantha: YOU TOLD ME I COULD DO THIS! THE GUARDS ARE ALREADY DEAD!

Oh fuck, I thought.

“Ferdinand!” a voice snapped. The queen. She’d just appeared right in the middle of the room with no warning.

Warning: This room is now sealed. Nobody will be allowed to enter or leave until the conclusion of the party. You are protected from outside influence or spells.

~~~~

I’m in the middle of editing/rewriting/culling/rearranging the heck out of these last few chapters  PLUS I’m also in the middle of moving my daughter officially from Seattle to LA, so there are a lot of little challenges. I’m writing this from an airport right now.

Like mentioned before the release, I’ll have a whole version for you to peruse in a few days. It’s all done and written, and I’m working on a group of epilogue scenes, but I’m still not certain what’s going to make the end of this book and the beginning of the next. It won’t be too different for you guys. Thanks for all your support and help.