Book 7, Chapters 9 and 10. (Patreon)

Chapter 9

Juice Box changed to her familiar human form as she sat on Louis’s lap, her arm draped over his shoulder. She was smiling broadly, but I could see the tired and worry in her eyes. She had scars she didn’t have before. Her left ear, I also noticed, didn’t form when she changed, though after about ten seconds, an ear did finally appear, almost like an afterthought.

We lose things, and we gain them.

I examined her.

Juice Box. Human. Level 35.

Co-Warlord of Team Retribution.

This is an ally.

I knew that level was incorrect. The last time I’d seen her, it’d said she was 17. I also knew the number changed when she changed. Mordecai said there was no way to tell what her real level was, even when she was in her blank form. It was a quirk of high-level changeling NPCs.

Louis appeared terrified as he sat in the only chair in the room, upon her insistence.

Donut had freed Mongo back out into the office, and I let Rend free as well. The first thing Juice Box did after she peeled herself off Louis was to pick up the little pet and pat him on the head. Mongo also snuffled up against Juice Box, and she laughed as she scratched him.

Arief remained in the room, guarding the door.

Britney and I stood over the desk, looking at the papers Juice Box had splayed out for us. Rend stood on the desk as well, gnawing on the end of a pen. I shuffled through the documents. It was a lot—but it wasn’t all the papers, I noted. She’d made a point of taking some and sticking them in the drawer so we couldn’t see what they said. It was a subtle but purposeful move. We are your allies, she was saying. But we are our own people, too.

“Carl,” Juice Box said. “You didn’t do what I wanted. We wanted everybody to be protected. To have regeneration. That’s not what happened.”

I looked up from the papers. I remembered what Huanxin Jinx had told me, that they’d never let us be safe. “They would never allow it, so we did the next best thing. We made it so we can kill them instead.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “It’ll have to do.” She rested her head on Louis’ shoulder. Ren had chewed the pen in half, and now ink ran down his face. I picked him up before he could do more damage and put him on the floor. He giggled and started rolling in circles. I returned my attention to the documents.

Most of the papers were maps and castle locations along with troop strengths. There were resupply schedules, including information on the food market that had mysteriously appeared in “Shanty Town” overnight.

It turned out the existence of the shanty town, a ring of hastily-built buildings and markets surrounding the entrance to Larracos, was a new thing. It’d appeared soon after the flooding, ostensibly built by the displaced NPCs. Nobody had actually built it. The hovels just sprung up out of nowhere. Since the slums completely encircled the top entrance to Larracos, they formed the equivalent of a new, large-sized settlement.

The rules had been pretty clear that they weren’t going to add new NPCs once we’d flooded the town, but it appeared they’d either changed the rules or found some sort of loophole as there were some new shops with new NPCs. None were weapons or mercenary markets or entrances to the Desperado Club, but there were food markets and multiple temples, all placed in ramshackle, wooden and metal buildings. Thankfully, there were no Club Vanquisher entrances, either, which also had magic markets within.

I suspected the existence of this new town was a result of someone’s Emergency Action Item, but I didn’t know who. The teams all got three of the emergency requests, and I knew all the teams were out. We still had two left.

Actually... I wondered if the NPC team was given access to all this stuff. Part of that action item that gave them their team included “full voting rights.” Did Juice Box have the warlord menu? I had so many questions about how the NPC team functioned.

I would have to investigate further. Either way, there was now a smattering of new shops in this new area, which was outside of Larracos. That meant this so-called shanty town would still be accessible to the other teams, even when the timer ran out.

What I was looking at right now was Juice Box’s scrapped plans on destroying the food markets once the fighting started. Once the ceasefire had been called, reps for all the teams had moved in and purchased all the food they could. Before, they hadn’t trusted the food market as Juice Box’s people had been poisoning all the stock. The ceasefire had refreshed all the food stores. They’d taken advantage of the reprieve and had moved in. So now there was no point to it.

“Who’s the mayor of Shanty Town?” I asked.

The look on Juice Box’s face soured. “There have been several since it opened, as the outworlders kept killing them, though they weren’t allowed to ‘own’ the town. Not until the games begin.” She shook her head. “It’s so stupid. The second-most-recent mayor was a gnoll named Meat Gnasher. Just before the ceasefire was called, he got called out in single combat and lost. Now the mayor is,” she took a pained breath, “someone else.”

“But it’s not one of the invaders?” I asked.

“I wish,” Juice Box said. “We can kill the invaders once the fighting begins. We can’t touch this guy.”

I sighed. “So, Ferdinand?”

Juice Box pointed a pair of finger guns at me. “Bingo, cowboy.”

I shot a nervous glance at Donut to gauge her reaction, but I realized she hadn’t reacted at all. Her eyes were flashing as she was deep in chat. I was starting to suspect she already knew all of this.

“Are any of the outworlders coming into the regular city? Into Larracos?” I asked.

Britney slid a map over for me to examine. It was a map of the Naga team’s fortifications. It only showed the outside of the building.

“They are starting to, yes,” Juice Box said. “There’s not much here for them, but still they come, mostly to scout. These last few weeks before the rule change, they didn’t dare. Anyone who entered regretted it immediately.”

“I figured,” I said as I started to mentally trace the map in my scratch pad.

“Is Ruby okay?” Juice Box suddenly asked. “They told me she stayed behind, but you promised to keep her safe.”

Ruby was one of the changeling children with compression sickness. “We have her,” I said. “And the others. Mordecai has been keeping them safe.”

She nodded. “Good. I haven’t had enough contact with the others. The rules of this world... It’s a lot. I don’t know how you do it. I attempted a clandestine meeting, and a voice spoke out of nowhere, telling me I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to that person. And each time the blob guys killed the mayor, there was an announcement saying the mayor had died. Most people don’t see the words, but I do. I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

“I was going to ask you about that,” I said. “Do you have, you know, menus and things like that? Or access to the warlord chat, or to the Faction Wars manager?”

“I know of which you speak, but I do not have access. I do have the mental voice messaging system. And I do have the mental words that speak to me in my mind and float before me when there is a change.” She sighed. Then she reached over and booped Louis on the nose with her finger. “But the good thing is, that means we can now talk when you like.”

Louis still hadn’t said a word since he’d gotten in here.

What she’d said registered, and I finally understood the dynamic between Juice Box and Gravy Boat.

I grunted. “So that’s why you haven’t murdered him yet.”

“What?” Donut asked, looking up. “Why hasn’t she murdered who?”

“Your fiancé,” Juice Box said to Donut. “Warlord on High, Sir Ferdinand. That’s what he’s changed his name to. He is in the club right now, sitting at the bar, talking with that infected elf outworlder we’re not allowed to kill. This cat has done nothing but cause problems, and now he has been given control of my people. He is the one given power over the controlling system, including the city defense system. That elf says it was a workaround to allow us to participate because the cat isn’t really an NPC, but of the same stock as you. If he dies, we lose control, so he must be kept safe.”

“My fiancé?” Donut said, scoffing. “Ferdinand is telling people he’s my fiancé? I think not. Where does he get the nerve to even say that!” Her eyes started flashing again, confirming my suspicion that she was already talking to him. She let out another angry scoff as she furiously messaged back and forth.

Juice Box appeared strangely relieved at this.

“What do you mean by ‘infected elf outworlder?’” I asked. “Is his name Drick?”

“Yes,” Donut confirmed without looking up, her voice still angry. “It’s him.”

Juice Box nodded. “Yes, Drick. He is called our adjutant. I touched his arm, and he was solid as you or me, but when I attempted to decapitate him, my blade went right through like he was a ghost. He is like the others right after they’ve been regenerated. We are unable to hurt them at all for some time, but that protection appears permanent for him. He is not really an elf. He has a worm in his brain, similar to the one your rock friend had. But this one is a different species.”

“That’s called a Valtay worm. I met him once when I got pulled out of the game, and Donut and I met him again recently when we were picking our own adjutant. Look, we have a lot to do, and I’m glad we’re in each other’s chat now. We have a lot to prepare for, but I first need to know how you guys are planning on defending yourself. What’s the city defense system? And I need to talk to Gr... the other warlord to make sure we’re on the same page.”

She nodded. She slid off Louis’ lap and started to change form. She went back to the grizzled, elderly gnoll. Instead of a missing ear, this one had a missing eye.

Donut: LOUIS, TELL HER SHE’S PRETTY. YOU HAVEN’T SAID ONE WORD TO HER, AND I THINK SHE’S STARTING TO GET NERVOUS YOU DON’T LIKE HER ANYMORE. YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED.

Juice Box, now standing, put a pair of fuzzy arms back around Louis’s shoulder. He remained awkwardly sitting in the chair, his eyes wide as saucers. He wasn’t moving at all, like he was terrified, giving the impression he was standing upon a landmine. He, too, I realized was in chat, eyes flashing.

Carl: Louis, are you okay?

Louis: Dude. She’s messaging me non-stop, talking about how we have to get married to make sure our houses are ‘bonded.’ It’s all Game of Thrones shit, and it’s freaking me out.

Carl: You don’t have to do this. We can find another way. It’s completely unnecessary. She’ll understand.

Louis: I already told her I would. It’s... it’s okay, I think. She’s different in the messages than she is out loud. She’s pretending to be all confident, but she’s not. Man, I think she’s really, really scared. She’s over her head I think.

Carl: We’re all over our heads. You don’t have to actually marry her.

Louis: She thinks it’s important. We need them on our side, and if this helps, I’ll do it. If they turn against us, we’re screwed. This will help. We need each other.

Donut: PLUS YOU LOVE HER, RIGHT?

Louis: Yeah. Sure. Of course.

Donut: OKAY, THEN. BUT DON’T TELL US. TELL HER. AND DON’T BE ALL CARL ABOUT IT. BE ROMANTIC.

Louis was shaking and sweating. His five player killer skulls looked so ridiculous, so out-of-place over his head that I felt angry every time I saw them. But then the crawler took a breath, stood, and he took Juice Box’s hand in his own.

“Juice Box and I need to strengthen the bond,” Louis said out loud. “We should get married right away.” He moved as if he was about to kiss her, but then paused. “Can you, like, turn into something else for a second?”

Juice Box squealed in delight, which was uncharacteristic of both her current form and her regular personality. She turned into a blonde human. Different than her regular, human form. I couldn’t tell who she was supposed to be. It was like a mix between Taylor Swift and Iggy Pop. Then a cheerleader suit formed on her body. I still didn’t know who she was supposed to be. She reached up and kissed Louis full on the lips.

Donut: SAY YOU LOVE HER.

“I love you,” Louis said, his lips still smashed on hers.

Donut gasped with delight.

Donut: THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I’VE EVER SEEN. DO IT. DO IT, LOUIS.

Louis: Uh, do what?

Donut: HAVEN’T YOU WATCHED GOSSIP GIRL? SAY IT TWICE.

Louis: Say what twice?

Donut: GODDAMNIT LOUIS DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME.

“I love you?” he repeated.

I exchanged a look with Arief, who remained guarding the door. He looked as skeptical as I was. This wasn’t the middle ages. A marriage seemed preposterous and pointless in these circumstances, especially if Louis wasn’t really into it. I knew Louis really liked her, but she was a goddamned NPC.

Still, he was correct in one thing. If it did keep the NPC team on our side, then it wasn’t a terrible idea. I just hoped all of this wouldn’t blow up in our face.

Britney, who’d ignored all of this, looked up from the desk, where she’d been carefully studying the papers. She tapped a piece of paper. “How big are these diggers?”

Juice Box pulled back from Louis and grinned at the other woman. “Oh, my dear. Have you not seen dwarven automatons before? It’s glorious.”

Chapter 10

“Thank god,” I said, coming into the entrance vestibule for the Desperado Club. “Clarabelle! I thought you were dead!”

When Minge the demon had demolished the Desperado Club, I’d assumed all the guards had been killed. I was glad to see the ever-present bouncer sitting in her regular chair, looking grumpy as ever.

The female crocodilian glared at me and Donut. “I’m not, no thanks to you. You four are banned. By order of the new management. The NPCs can still go in.”

“What?” Donut demanded. “Banned from the Desperado Club? Is that a joke? We’re about to have a wedding inside. We were going to invite you! Mongo is going to be a ring bearer, and I’m going to sing!”

The crocodilian was not impressed. “It’s not just you, if that makes you feel better. It’s because of you, but it’s not just you. New management wants his first few days to go smoothly, so he’s banned all crawlers. If he ever un-bans the crawlers, then we’ll talk.”

“I wasn’t even there for the demon thing. This is an outrage!”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” I said. “If crawlers can’t get in at all, then what’s the point of the club?”

Clarabelle shrugged. “I just do what I’m told. Try again in a few days. Maybe he’ll have changed his mind. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

It was me, Donut, Louis, Britney, Arief, and Juice Box, who’d taken on the form of a female draconian. We’d put Mongo and Rend away.

“Who is the new manager?” Donut demanded. “I wish to speak to him this instant!”

“He’s asked not to be disturbed. It’s not anybody you know,” Clarabelle said. “He is very particular. Very serious about security.” She leaned in. “Look, I know that whole demon thing wasn’t entirely your fault. But this new guy is filling the club with more security measures than I’ve ever seen. He has a whole slew of bodyguards with him at all times, and they’re different than the regular guards.” She made a quick, upward motion with her small eyes. “Not exactly NPCs. Not exactly former crawlers. That’s all I can say.”

“What’s his name?” I asked.

“Hamed.”

I knew that name. I knew exactly who this was. My elbow suddenly throbbed, and I remembered Astrid’s last words before Katia and I had assassinated her. They still haunted me.

I was almost done.

Hamed was the real name of the Night Wyrm. The leader of the Guild of Suffering. Husband to the late Astrid and father to the strippers Damascus Steel and Anaconda, both of whom were still, supposedly, somewhere in the club, hunting him. Hunting their own father.

All of that had to wait. Right now we had to get to Gravy Boat. “Look,” I said. “There’s someone in there we gotta talk to. Is there any way you can...”

I paused as a harried-looking Dream elf appeared, stepping out into the vestibule from within the club.

I recognized the man.

Drick.

Adjutant for Team Retribution.

This is a non-combatant observer.

Drick carried a tablet computer in one hand and a drink in another. He nodded at me as he pushed his way deeper into the vestibule, which was suddenly very crowded.

At least, he tried to nod at me. He couldn’t fully move his head.

He had a large, orange cat sitting directly atop his bald dome.

Warlord on High, Sir Ferdinand. Cat. Level 100.

Co-Warlord of Team Retribution.

This is an ally.

The last time I’d seen the cat, he’d been wearing a ridiculously-large turban with a massive feather. Now he wore a gold chain around his neck with a small, jeweled charm and what appeared to be a circle of white, thin paper tissues wrapped around his head. One end sagged pitifully, about to fall off.

I felt myself staring at the thing on his head, trying to figure out what it was. It was like he’d attempted to recreate the turban using literal toilet paper.

Donut jumped to my shoulder so she was eye-to-eye with the cat.

“Hey, baby girl,” Ferdinand said.

“Don’t you baby girl me,” Donut snapped, pointing a paw at him. “Remember what we talked about? Do it. Do it now.”

Ferdinand looked down, appearing abashed. Some of the tissue on his head unraveled and landed on Drick’s face, covering his eyes. The elf pushed it away. “Come on, babe. I was trying to be romantic.”

“Do you want me to pull out Mongo? I’ll pull him out right now.”

The orange cat sighed. “I’m not really her fiancé,” he said. He looked up and winked at me. “Not yet at least.”

Donut scoffed. “I would rather have a sexual affair with the bloating corpse of a syphilis-infested cocker spaniel than even consider having a relationship with you. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.”

“Is that a way to talk to a fellow warlord?”

“And what do you have on your head? Take that off this instant!”

He sheepishly pawed at his head, removing the tissue. It stuck to his claw, and he wiped it free using the side of Drick’s face. “It was just a temporary hat. Gotta keep my head warm. Did you get my trade request?”

“We did,” Donut said. “And we rejected it immediately. Didn’t we, Carl?”

“Uh,” I said. I remembered seeing the notification, but I’d forgotten about it.

“I just want my Simoom and my hat. Is that so much to ask?”

“Your hat?” I asked. “Wait... Simoom? Is that your rhinoceros mount? We haven’t been to our headquarters yet. We don’t know if we even have the thing.”

“You have her. Kibben stole her right from me, and I demand satisfaction! We landed here, and everybody was fighting and running, and he wouldn’t let me take her.”

I wasn’t certain who Kibben was, though I remembered there’d been a high-elf stablemaster at the castle before we’d transferred it here to Larracos.

“Look, if we can get your mount back, that’s fine,” I said. “But if you lost your hat...”

“I have your stupid hat, but it’s not with me,” Donut said. “You want it back? Then you have to stop being so disgusting. And you have to change the name of our alliance.”

Carl: Do you really have his hat?

Donut: YES, CARL. I TOLD YOU I FOUND IT AFTER THE BUTCHER’S MASQUERADE.

I vaguely remembered something she’d messaged me while drunk at the Christmas party, but I hadn’t realized she was talking about his hat.

This whole time, Juice Box sat there, eyes flashing as she conversed with Drick. Ferdinand appeared oblivious as he went back and forth with me and Donut.

“We’ll give you your hat back tomorrow or the next day,” I said. “I can’t promise anything about the mount until I talk to the others, but I will do my best. But I do want something from you.”

The orange cat grunted. “You want something from the Ferdinand and Juicy-Juice without giving anything up? I think not.”

“If you call me that again, I will neuter you with my teeth,” Juice Box said.

I went through my inventory and spied something I hadn’t given Donut yet. She was about to be pissed. “How about a temporary replacement hat? You’ll have to give it back when we get you your turban.”

“What hat?” Donut demanded.

I pulled out the black, weathered bowler hat. It’d been in Quan’s inventory. One could throw it, have it decapitate an enemy, and it’d boomerang back to the owner. Both Donut and Ferdinand gasped at the same time when they saw it.

I caught eyes with Juice Box, and she nodded. We’d already discussed this, and I knew she was on board after having conversed with Drick. The plan had been for her to convince Gravy Boat to help us, but this was better.

Ferdinand reached a paw toward the hat, but I pulled it back. “I want to be mayor of that town. Shanty Town. You’ll have to transfer your mayorship to us, which means that jewel on your necklace will go away. You’ll get this hat, and we’ll trade it back for your turban in a day or so. We’ll try to get your rhino back if we still have it. If not, we’ll figure something out. We’re allies.

The Princess Posse has made a trade request with Team Retribution.

Before he could accept or deny the invite, I reached over and placed the bowler hat on the cat’s head. It resized itself and sat at an angle. Without a word of encouragement, Britney pulled a hand mirror from her inventory as Ferdinand admired himself.

“It won’t let me transfer the town to you until the games begin,” Ferdinand said.

“That’s okay,” I said. “We’ll take it then.”

But the cat wasn’t even listening to me. He adjusted the hat. “I’m a very handsome boy.”

I met eyes with Drick as the cat on his head continued to pose. The elf’s mouth turned upward in an unreadable expression. It was like a mixture of annoyance, exasperation, and panic.

Trade Request has been accepted.

Your Truce with Team Retribution has been renamed to “The Good Guys.”

Clarabelle grunted. “Can’t say it’s been boring since you guys showed up. That’s for sure.”

“I’m a very handsome boy,” Ferdinand repeated.

~

Changeling weddings, as it turned out—much to Louis’ relief—were two-part affairs. The “small wedding” occurred first, which was a simple, private ceremony, and it was what we were doing right now.

We’d returned to the dingy entrance bar. We moved a table aside and allowed Juice Box and Louis to stand in the center, holding hands. Juice Box returned to her blank form. I didn’t see any damage to her body in this form, and I wondered on that.

It said she was level 120. I wondered on that, too.

Donut was angry to learn there’d be no rings, no ring bearers, and no singing. There was no pastor or officiant. It was just Louis and Juice Box and a small group of people watching, including Drick and Ferdinand, who hadn’t left the elf’s head. Mongo and Rend played in the room. The gnoll-but-really-a-changeling bartender remained behind the bar, watching.

The whole thing went fast.

The “Confirmation,” which was the second part of the wedding, would happen in about a month. Donut scoffed at the idea. It seemed so far away. Mordecai explained in chat that in changeling culture, most married couples needed a full month to decide if they really were compatible. Most of their weddings were arranged, and part of the small wedding actually included signing divorce papers, which expired in a month if they weren’t filed in time. During this first month, the couple were legally married, but if one of them decided to file the divorce, there would be no consequences, and the marriage would basically get annulled. But in the meantime, this first wedding was the legal one. Once this small wedding ceremony was over, that was it. Juice Box and Louis would be married fair and square.

The Confirmation was a big event and was much more like what everybody considered a traditional wedding. Here there would be guests and food and gifts and singing. Donut was already in chat, loudly preparing for the party.

I kept my attention on Louis, as I watched him stand there awkwardly. I worried about him.

He caught me staring at him, and he gave me a quick smile.

“I wish my mom was here,” he whispered.

Everybody’s views were absolutely spiked as the crawler and NPC whispered made-up-on-the-spot vows to each other. They whispered them in each other’s ears, so nobody else would hear. They would repeat them out loud at the Confirmation.

And that was it. They were married.

“Congrats, guys,” I said as Donut cheered enthusiastically. Britney had a handful of automaton plans in her hands and hadn’t been paying attention.

Zev: Well, that was a first.

Donut looked at me. “I hope Samantha won’t be too mad she missed the first ceremony.”

Before I could answer, my warlord interface started to rapidly blink. These were all new recruit notifications. I exchanged a look with Donut, who’d also paused at the influx of notifications. It was so many, I had to mute it. I was about to send a message asking what the hell was going on when Florin messaged me.

Florin: Mate, I am about to blow your fucking mind. You need to get your ass to the headquarters. We’ve secured the saferoom here, so you can use the doggie door. There’s a large group of people here who would really like to meet you.

~~~~~

Hey everybody! The audiobook is now available for preorder! https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Eye-of-the-Bedlam-Bride-Audiobook/B0CDXWSS5D

I want to thank Travis, Patrick, and Annie Ellicott (who pinch-hit a last-minute, post credit scene) for their amazing voice talents. Travis plays (shhhh, it's a secret) Raul, and he knocks it out of the goddamned park. I can't believe I talked Jeff into talking him into playing a character that has to masturbate into a microphone. It's fucking glorious.

Next weekend I will be at Planet Funk Con in Iowa. Will you be there? Last weekend I was at Authors and Dragons in Portland and met several of you. Thanks so much for your continued support.