How to Steal from a Fantasy Deathworld - Chapter 1 (Patreon)

Michael Wade knew something was horribly wrong before he opened his eyes.

He'd woken up feeling actually well-rested - which meant eight full hours of sleep.

Which meant he'd slept through his alarm.

Which meant he'd missed work.

And that meant kissing goodbye to his chances for the full-time position at Hobby Froggy's. 

Oh Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck- Adrenaline shot through his body at mach twenty. He jerked upright, hand scrambling for his alarm—before realizing he wasn't in his room. Nothing nearby to grab. He wasn't even in his bed. Around him was a cave filled with discarded mining picks, struts and a deep ever present gold gloom.

And then there was the giant blue textbox in front of his face:

You have been sponsored to join THE GAME

Under that blue box were two smaller ones:

Accept.  Reject.

Most people might feel more panic waking up in a damp cave and strange glowing text. But Wade wasn't most people - to him, this was the best place he could have woken up in. Because weird caves and floating textboxes ended in one single conclusion: "A lucid dream. I didn't miss my alarm yet."

He started laughing out loud in crazed bouts like someone who’d narrowly avoided a car accident, head splashing back down onto the mud. After half a minute of sporadic chuckles and relief, he actually started to check where he was. Gingerly standing, his hand reached out to touch the text. The text was translucent as he learned: His thumb sank through the blue box by accident - which promptly vanished.

Ah. He'd accidentally tapped 'Accept' with it.

Wade thought about it for a moment, then promptly stopped caring. It didn’t really matter if this was all a dream, did it? But, the little blue box returned a moment later to pester him again. This time with a string of single sentences:

Welcome MICHAEL VALENTINE WADE to THE GAME

New System quest: Survive THE GAME - Defeat or subdue all other players. Rewards: ???

New System qu-

“Yeah, yeah, great, okay, whatever.” He said, clicking the X button multiple times with his index finger, as more quests and one 'boon' notification popped up, including a detailed stat screen to his side, which he closed out of sheer habit. Even in his dreams, the X button on the right hand side was still following regular logic. 

He had bigger problems than some dream-game nonsense. Namely: "Is it actually a good idea to wake up?" Pacing the muddy floor, he walked through his options. "If I wake up now, that's bad sleep, which means worse sleep later, or even no sleep at all."

Low sleep was already an issue. It meant underperforming. Which threatened his full-time position chances. He'd learned tricks for working sleep-deprived, but if his boss caught him micro-napping between shelves, or in the storage closet, his fulltime chances were gone.

Wade would die ten times over before he allowed anything to threaten that chance. He needed the money. Rent, bills, debt, paying off the mafia - oh and food  too. Money made the world go round, and Wade never had enough to go around.

His phone buzzed in his workpants. He'd gone to sleep with his prior gig's business casual - collared shirt, pants and socks. No shoes, he'd taken those off before he'd gone to bed. If he was already dressed for work when he woke up, he could add those few minutes into sleep.

Out of habit, he slid the phone out and checked the notification. A textbox had taken over the screen.

You got bigger problems to worry about than sleep, don't you think?

Wade stared at the screen. It wasn't an app he remembered. He fiddled with the buttons, looking to see if he could identify where the text was coming from, swiping away other apps in a search to close this one.

Aww, you already want to get rid of me? ✖╭╮✖

"That'd be correct." He deadpanned, finally finding the app on the last possible page, and swiping it out. Compulsively, he opened up his alarms next. Last he checked, he had four hours and twelve minutes to sle—

The text filled his screen again, superimposed over his alarms.

Well that was just rude ￣ー￣

Wade stared at the text for a moment, then up at the mining cavern he'd woken up to, filled with work equipment and no sunlight or way out. "Look, I don't have time to figure out whatever unresolved deep-seated metaphorical cry for help this shit is, okay? So how about you let me sleep the few hours I got in peace and I promise I'll book a therapist sometime in the future. Good enough compromise brain?"

lololol, don't think you got that in the budget last I checked Michael

 "Maybe if I get fulltime, I will." He growled out, knowing it was a little unhinged already to be talking out loud to himself. "So, how's about you let me sleep, and we both win right?"

Not exactly comfy place to sleep here, but you do you  (￣▽￣)ノ

Wade looked at the ground. "It's a dream. If I belive it hard enough, this rock might be the most comfy place I could ever sleep on."

He tapped it with his foot. Solid as the rock it looked like.

Well, that sucks. The phone's backlight turned on again. New message.

Oh, but it's not a dream Michael. This is all very, very real.

"Floating text boxes, weird cave and some kind of introspective self-therapy through a text app that doesn't exist on my phone isn't exactly normal life. Good try."

Fine fine. I'll be back later to tell you I told you so, I need to make some popcorn ♡(>ᴗ•)

He stared at the text for a second, then closed the screen and put it back into his pocket. If his head wanted to mess with him with some random ominous texts and a spooky cave, this was rather weak. He'd walked into toilets that would have required a hazmat suit by law. A damp cave with a bit of mud all over was nothing compared to the nightmares his head could have drawn out.

But right now, he knew exactly what he had to do: Absolutely nothing.

He found a stone to lean against, and got to waiting it out. This would all fade away, and he'd get his precious four hours of sleep undisturbed.

The phone buzzed repeatedly. Wade ignored it.

The lucid dream hadn't sped up or faded away after a minute. The mining cavern remained stubbornly real, that dim golden gloom still beckoning from ahead. Plus he was starting to feel cold. He checked his phone again - messages were all gone, no history, nothing. Very user unfriendly, but it's all dream-logic so whatever.

His mind drifted back to those floating blue boxes. Quests, abilities, stats - all neatly organized like a video game menu. Why video games?

He’d been pretty active playing video games in the past. Like, very active.

Maybe a part of his brain missed it. That was plausible enough, right? Why not? Nothing else to do so far.

"Quests?" It was a wild guess on how that worked. And it paid off.

System Quest: Survive THE GAME - Defeat or subdue all other players. Rewards: ???

System Quest: Tools of the trade - Level each stat attribute by one. Rewards: One storefront coin.

Storefront coin? Gacha mechanic or cash-shop thing? His head was really messing with all the tropes here.

System Quest: Glasses of the trade - Use identify thirty times on unique targets. Rewards: One storefront coin.

System Quest: One round won - Survive one full day in Azdrial. Rewards: One storefront coin.

Azdrial? Just another fantasy zone name, probably.

Personal Quest:  Market's big scheme - Search and extract followers of Market back safely to Earth. Rewards: One storefront coin per follower smuggled into earth. One gold bar per follower smuggled into earth.

Some cult about capitalism? No, Market sounded familiar. It was… "Oh! The crazy homeless guy from yesterday!"

Some insane old grandpa in rags with a bottle of vodka in one hand and an IOU for gold bars in the other hand. Showed up on his shift at the checkout, rambling about being a god of fortune and trade, begging for help to smuggle his people out since his world was doomed, dying, breaking apart at the core, or something along those lines. Wade pulled out his phone out with practiced habit, eyeing the dark screen. "And the texts are supposed to be from Market?"

Was that how his subconscious connected the dots? The phone lit up in his hands.

You really think I'm Market??? Absolutely heartless, I don't drink that much  (；￣Д￣)

Wade narrowed his eyes. "Then who the hel— you know what, nope. Not doing this. You're a figment of my sleep deprived imagination." He shut the phone and put it back into his pocket.

Not important right now. He opened up the next panel looking for a distraction to pass the time. Something about an boon?

Common Boon gained: Skyviper Archer. 

Skyviper Archer (Common) - Damage dealt by ranged weapons such as crossbows, slings, and bows are empowered with corrosive properties when used in a jumping attack. 

Huh. Looked more like an ability from an FPS game. His eyes roamed around the small cavern for any starting weapon: Not a single bow, sling or crossbow anywhere in sight, not to mention his limp would make jumping difficult. Which meant this boon was functionally useless.

Well, he might find a bow and arrow somewhere here if he really wished for it. It’s his dream after all. Hell, maybe he could jump high just by willing it. So he checked the last item. "Stats."

Character: Michael Valentine Wade
Level 1
Health: 94/100
Mana: 1/100

• Stamina: 6 (7-1)

• Strength: 6 (6)

• Intelligence: 0 (0)

• Agility: 7 (8-1)

• Luck: 12 (2+10)

• Vitality: 4 (7-3)

The plus 10 was in green, while all the minus 1's and 3's were in red. Seemed like the leftmost number was the sum total, and everything in parenthesis was the base number and some modifier.

There was more under it all, buffs and debuffs.

Buffs:

• Market’s blessings (Language, Passage, Luck)

• Play’s sponsorship into THE GAME.

Debuffs: 

• Chronic Cervicalgia

• Chronic Sciatica

• Chronic Malnutrition

• Astigmatism

• Mania

“Har har.” He muttered dryly, eyes looking over the debuff list. They all appeared on the side of his vision in neat little red cubes with icons now. "Even in my dreams I’ve got neck pain and need food."

You keep telling yourself this is all a dream. Like I said, it's not. Hopefully you realize that before something eats you  ☆(>ᴗ•)

He stared at the phone for another second, "I already said I don't need some schizophrenic self-intervention. I just want to wake up in my bed, on time for work. I didn't ask, or want all… this."

But you did. You pressed it Michael.

"Pressed what?"

The accept. You had a choice to reject all this. You didn't.

The button he'd touched with his thumb? "That was by accident!"

I don't make the rules  ┐(︶▽︶)┌

Nope. Nope-nope-nope. Talking with himself through text was just insane, best stop early. Wade shrugged and turned back to his stats. The debuffs lined up in front of him, his subconscious clearly trying to tell him all the ways he was living wrong.

Malnutrition was debatable, a diet of lukewarm tap water and discount ramen hadn’t killed him yet. Plus he'd learned seventeen different ways to make instant ramen almost taste like real food through trial and error and he wasn't about to stop until he'd discovered three more. He dismissed ‘Mania’ as a quirk of his dream, obviously he was functional, thank you.

His eyes turned to his phone, screen black.

… All right, perhaps mania had a slight potential. 

That said, neck pain and a literal pain in his ass wouldn't stop him from getting full time. All his years in retail hell had prepared him. Hobby Froggy's paid seven dollars more than his gas station gig, and corporate's unofficial fifteen-hour max policy could kiss his ass once he went full time.

A guaranteed thirty-five hour minimum each week, with paid time off. (Though he'd never take it. That was an obvious trap.)

Intelligence set to zero felt like a small self-insult here. Was his self-conscious trying to tell him he was being a dumba-

Why was he even focused on any consistency in a lucid dream anyhow? None of this would remain consistent. FPS, RPG, MMO, shit-talker texting him - it was all mixed together in a weird hodge podge typical of a lucid dream that would change the moment he walked anywhere.

He tested his neck and leg just to verify and the pain matched his stat screen, and found with some mild depression that it had all followed him even in his own dream. A small experimental jump sent the usual dull ache through his left hip, and there was something in his neck already hurting from laying down. Best not test that further.

He worried he was moving in his sleep, meaning more pain for tomorrow. Wrong movements always messed him up over the day; power walking, being mindful about how he moved, and desperate immediate stretching when he remembered he forgot were his only defense. He was in his twenties and it felt like he was goddamn seventy sometimes. Rough.

"All right brain, where am I in the first place?"

His phone buzzed.

Closest thing this world has to a dungeon. But that's as much as I know about the place~

"Right sure. And what's with the game thing? There other gamers out there too?" He called up the quest menu again, more surprised it remained exactly the same, wording and all. Survive the game, defeat or subdue everyone else, all the same as before. Some part in his head was already jumping through the logic - subdue meant negotiate and discuss things. Which meant alliances. Whatever game this was, it wasn't a strict beat-em-up, but probably more social maneuvering before the final brawl.

Yep. But I don't know anything about them, I only know you. I'm your partner in all this (b ᵔ▽ᵔ)b

"Uh huh." What kind of demon did his subconscious come up with as his 'partner'? "Does everyone else get a textbot like you?"

Guess we'll find out soon enough. You going out yet or just going to stay hiding here? Go on, what's the worst that could happen~

Wade rolled his eyes then flicked through the settings on his phone, turning on the light. It worked as it would in real life, right down to the battery percentage. Behind him, the path was winding out to some larger cavern and four different tunnel directions. No light anywhere there. On the other side, by the strewn out picks, hammers and signs of civilization, he found a landslide blocking the tunnel's end. Golden light leaking through a gap in the rocks. Deeper into the spooky tunnel, or out into the light. What a hard choice.

He turned off the phone light, and limped up for a closer look at the cave-in. Most of it was loose silt and dirt - with some digging, he could squeeze through. Works for him. Wiggling into the gap after pulling some rocks and dirt off with his hands, Wade felt grime working into every fold of his work shirt, mud matting up his hair. A tad bit claustrophobic, but he could move his hands and feet enough that it wasn't too bad. "Feels awfully realistic," he muttered, taking a break halfway through to catch his breath. The phone buzzed.

Believe me yet?

"Not even for a second."

✖╭╮✖

With one final push, he popped himself out of the hole and fell face-first into a shallow stream puddle. The chill of the water and sharp rocks against his cheek were getting really creepy now. Then text appeared in his vision.

Ancient Nathir Shelter-city - Lowest Level

Lethal Difficulty