All I Want for Christmas Is Blackmail 🎅 (Patreon)

Dearest Santa,

Well, well, well, if it isn't the festive fraud himself. Creeping about in the dead of night, breaking into homes, bribing children with cheap tat to cover your undoubtedly sordid tracks. Do they even know what’s on your list? I imagine it’s the kind of thing that would land you a one-way trip to a windowless van, if you catch my drift.

Now, let’s address the reindeer in the room: I’m fully aware I’m on the naughty list this year. Grand Theft Biscuit was a low point, I’ll admit, but I think we both know your little “system” is nothing but a sham. Naughty or nice, it’s all just a cover for whatever shady operation you’re running, isn’t it? Beady eyes and a laugh that screams “don’t leave me alone with the pets.”

Here’s the deal. I want a corgi. Yes, a proper one, none of those stuffed toy knock-offs you probably cobble together in that workshop sweatshop of yours. Real dog. Four legs. Waggy tail. And make it fat. A properly chunky corgi. You’ve got until the 25th. No corgi, no more "ho ho ho". I’ll go public. The elves, the surveillance, the highly questionable levels of coal stockpile. Everything.

The clock’s ticking, Claus. Let’s not pretend you’re above all this. After all, I’ve seen your face on enough suspiciously damp shopping centre thrones to know exactly how far you’ll stoop to keep your racket going.

Merry Christmas, you creepy sod.

Sincerely,
Wayward

P.S. Spare me the milk and mince pie nonsense. You’ll be lucky if you get a stale Jaffa Cake.