Horizon: Baby Rage (Patreon)

Hey everybody, remember The Legend of Zelda Breath of The Wild? Good game, huh? But you know what would make it better? If it took itself really seriously. And was full of boring cutscenes. And every character was a primitive idiot caveman. And instead of just starting it makes you play a 3 hour baby-girl tutorial. And it was bad. Remember good games? Wouldn't they be better if they were bad?

Actually, this game is pretty good. Not like... great. But it's okay. This baby-girl part can go fuck itself though. What is the deal with these baby-girl prologues and baby-levels? Fallout 3 has you literally being born for the first hour. Last of Us starts with some baby-girl shit to try and seem deep. Resident Evil 2 makes you play hide from the molester as Sherry, Even Devil May Cry 5 makes you play over half the game as some fuccboi anime-fag name Nero and his little trans friend in the Crow 2: City of Angels cosplay. 

Enough. Enough damn babies. I hate kids, I hate children. I hate little girls and little boys and teenagers and everyone even 1 day under my current age, which is always the correct age to be and the only age at which a person should ever be taken seriously. It's like one of those drinking age signs you see in bars. If your character was born after this day in 1989 i refuse to play as it or respect it, and if you try to make it all the grumbling and complaining your going to hear from me is on you. 

Even stupider is you know prologues like this are only in these games because the developer thinks it's artsy or makes the story seem deeper than it actually is.

"Hey, we made an open world game where you play as some Ygritte looking snow-babe and shoot dino-bots with a bow."

Sounds awesome when do i pl-

"And also the story is super mature and epic, you can tell because we crafted the first 5 hours to show you the journey of this character from childhood to adulthood. You get to play as a baby-girl. Have you ever played as a baby before? Ever shit your fucking diapers? Wanna shit your fucking diapers instead of fighting dino-bots? It's a baby game. You get to be a fucking baby. 

Thanks I hate it. You blew it, every game studio. You always blow it. And for the record, yes. I have played as a baby before. It's called The Rugrats: Search For Reptar on the PS1 and it's the Citizen Kane of baby-games so don't even try passing this off as an innovation now because every baby-shit game post-Search For Reptar has been a pale imitation at best and a disgrace to that game's hallowed legacy at worst. 

Here's the full list of good baby-games. 

1. Rugrats: Search For Reptar

2. Barney's Hide and Seek Adventure

3. Yoshi's Island

4. Imagine: Party Babyz (but like, ironically.)

5. I can't think of a 5th one. Just pretend I said something funny. 

That's the definitive list, and now that i think about it I realize the true problem with all these new-baby simulators. They don't have the courage to be what they want to be. If you want to be a baby-shit game. Be a baby-shit game. Commit to it. Make the whole game about it and pour every resource into making the most hardcore, badass baby game possible. Don't stick some half-assed baby-shit prologue into an open world dino-bot hunting game that has no business being baby-fied. 

Wait. I thought of a number 5. 

5. All the Mortal Kombats that feature Babalities. 

Anyways, that's my fake opinion of the day. Except it's a real one this time. These baby-prologues in games are dumb and I don't care for them.