E3 - Endless Extreme Enlightenment (Patreon)

Welcome to the jungle, welcome to my nightmare and welcome to the show. This is what happens when a man with nothing left to lose and everything left to prove gets lost in the desert on 60s drugs and then remembers he's suppose to be a radio show or something talking about video-game machines and whatnot. 

Shambling at full zombie speed like a rage-virus Rambo into the rusty trailer with the old timey TV antenna and no working lights, in one swift motion he adorns himself with his hip Hawaiian shirt, his tin-foil pirate hat, and parks his posterior on the cold metal folding chair, pantless in the night to give you fine folk the news you need and the opinions you crave. 

As a matter of fact i got the facts that matter, Jack. I got all the takes I can fake and all the takes you can take. I'm the Scumfuck Scholar with the truth that's truly true and the spiel that's really real, so feel the power of the hour and crack open that skull for the knowledge i'm dropping, cause the moon is full and there ain't no stoppin. 

Chugga-Chugga-Choo-Choo. That's the Tiger-Train tearing up the tracks with no brakes, only takes. Hot enough to warm the void of outer space cause that's where this train's a-trekkin, and cool enough to freeze the breeze on the sun, baby. 

I got takes cooler than a cold beer on a planet where beer tastes good. Cooler than a north-pole popsicle up your nose, cooler than an air conditioner that's a little bit too chilly but you won't turn it off because you know it'll immediately get way too hot and you'd rather be a little too cool than a lot too hot. Cooler than a 5 dollar Blue Hawaiian at Olive Garden that's so good you order 12 of them and now "The Man" says you can't drive home cause you're "drunk".

Well excuse me, Princess. I guess we'll just have to stay here at Olive Garden all day and keep ordering more delicious stuffed mushrooms and spaghetti-bread. What a terrible fate, just kidding that was my plan all along, fool. Welcome to the Olive Garden of Madness. Feed me, Fight me, Fuck me, Feel me, touch my butt, and listen to my cool opinions on all the hot new Nintendo Games. OR ELSE.

In other news here's one of those new-fangled "youtubes" by the incomparable Digibro, ranting about how cool I am. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAiymMKyjWw

Special thanks to Digi for saying such nice things about me and to the guy who paid him to do it. Also thanks to all the lovely and precious new patrons who came from there, welcome to the place. It's pretty much always like this.