Resident Evil 3 sucks like a butt. (Patreon)

This was supposed to be a public post, one of my classic, tightly scripted, well put-together editorial stink-pieces, the first in quite a while. I don't do these as often nowadays, for a few reasons. Reasons like...

- i'm busy, 

- it's a huge pain in the ass, 

- i live in a tent by the freeway, and most of all...

- it isn't even remotely worth it when i know i'm only putting in all this work so youtube can inevitably block the video for some asinine, incorrect reason, or steal all the ad money to give to some billion dollar corporation, or find some nonsensical excuse to slap me with one of their puritanical guideline strikes if i so much as say the word "tittie", all so they can waste my time and compromise everything i create by making me spend the next week re-rendering the video 50 times to fit within their idiotic boundaries. 

Meanwhile i can look forward to the very same fruits of my creativity and labor that i supposedly can't be allowed to post inevitably being stolen by scum-sucking aggregate channels and instagram low-lifes, to be seen by 100 million people with my name removed so everyone else can profit off it but me, at least until they remember it can be used to cancel and publicly shame me for not featuring enough black squares and tearful apologies for being born with a cock. 

That's youtube for ya, the name of the game is Fuck You, and the only winning move is Fuck This. 

Clearly i am feared by the establishment and must be prevented from becoming too powerful, so once again another masterpiece of mine has been been blocked off from the public by the powers that be, lest it inspire good vibes and correct opinions throughout a populace desperately in need of both. 

To put it plainly, youtube's copyright cuckery won't let me post this video publicly without removing the most important joke, because they suck, so for all i care they can suck something else while they're at it (my giant screaming wang, that is).

The joke in question is the intro. An incredibly brief edit of the world-famous Shockmaster blunder, a viral classic. I think you'll agree my edit is hilarious and sets the tone for the video, which is worse off without it. But alas, the scummiest company in the world (WWE) thinks this joke entitles them to my ad revenue for the entire 17 minute video, as well as blocking it in 5 countries seemingly selected by throwing darts at a map, and as usual the second scummiest company in the world (Youtube) is too chickenshit to stand up for their user base and is glad to take a corporation at its word while fucking over an independent creator, because that's basically their mission statement. 

"Youtube: Fuck you, that's our slogan, just fuck you."

Typical. No sooner do i finish a project than the serpents come slithering out of the woodwork to claim it for themselves, and everyone goes home happy because once again everyone gets to profit off my hard work and boundless creativity but me. Well not this fucking time. I'll burn my work before i abide this highway robbery any longer. I'll burn it all. 

The ad revenue in question wouldn't even be anything, it never is, but it's the principle of the matter. I'm not letting these assholes get away with this anymore. I'd rather the video never be seen by anyone than let even one more cent of my labor be taken, or one more creative vision be even slightly compromised. I have been doing this a long time and i am done playing these games.  

So fine. Whatever. I don't give a shit. The world can just go on thinking i never do anything because this is what happens when i try. I make a youtube video, they block it. I make satire of youtube videos, nobody gets it. I go viral, everybody steals it. Round and round it goes. One way or another I inevitably get screwed over, ripped off, misunderstood, or exploited, and there is no way to fully articulate the depth and completeness of my tired contempt for this repetitive, soul-draining crap. 

Don't get it twisted, this ain't a pity party i'm throwing, it's a Pissed-Off Parade, and i am the rapidly deflating Garfield balloon, blocking out the sun and blanketing the city with my bored, sarcastic apathy. 

Mondays. 

To give you an idea of just how righteous i am, here's the paragraph i sent in to defend my video on the grounds of fair use, knowing full well it wouldn't even be read because it never is. Keep in mind that when disputing a copyright claim youtube specifically makes it clear that they're looking for the following points. 

1. Use of the copyrighted material is "transformative" (check).

2. Portion of material is little in comparison to the copyrighted work as a whole (check). 

3. Use of copyrighted material does not negatively impact the copyright holder's ability to profit off of it, and can not be viewed as a substitute for the original (check and fucking check).

With all that in mind here's what i wrote...

On a side note, you might be wondering why that had to be a screenshot, and why i couldn't just copy and paste the text here. Well, a curious thing happened when i tried. Somehow, putting that exact same paragraph of text here in my patreon post results in this. 

Yes. This is real. I'm not joking.  If you can figure out how a paragraph describing to youtube why i am not in violation of their moronic copyright guidelines is itself somehow a violation of patreon's clearly insane pornograph-okay what the fuck, even just typing this sentence is making it come up again. 

The plot thickens. The conspiracy comes into clearer focus. Even talking about these insane, broken guidelines is apparently a violation of them. Goddamnit, this isn't even the point. I'm totally sidetracked now. The bitter hilarity of all this monstrous silliness is killing me inside.

Anyway... as i was saying before everything got even stupider, as it is prone to do, if you've ever had to type a similar paragraph explaining to the geniuses at youtube how copyright is supposed to work, then you know it accomplishes absolutely nothing. 

No sooner did i send in my watertight argument for why WWE can go fuck itself for trying to dip it's dick into my 10 cents of ad revenue, than i got the typical and expected response. 

"Fuck you, it doesn't matter if you're right, we're screwing you over anyway because we can."

After re-editing the video multiple times, shortening the clip as much as possible, and repeatedly getting smacked with the same copyright claim, i am forced to accept that nothing can stop said claim short of removing the clip altogether, which i will be glad to do just as soon as Vince Mcmahon drops to his knees and blows me like Shawn Michaels in the 90s.

Reminder that complaining about youtube copyright is somehow considered too sexy for patreon, but astoundingly this gif isn't.

There are a number of options for me at this point, all of them equally unacceptable. 

1. I can "appeal" with the exact same paragraph only to have them once again ignore it and earn a strike on my account for daring to tell them how wrong they are twice. 

2. I can inconvenience myself by uploading the video on some other worthless platform that no one uses, which is basically the same as not posting it at all but with extra steps. 

3. I can upload the video as it is, accepting that it be blocked in 4 or 5 random countries and allowing the dastardly billionaire MeekMahan to brazenly steal ad money from my work, while i continue living paycheck to paycheck and being lectured about my privilege by wealthy celebrity teenagers. 

4. I can waste even more of my time continually re-editing the video and whittling it down to nothing to appease my corporate masters, while gleefully repeating "thank you sir, may i have another" as they continuously box me into smaller and smaller parameters of acceptable expression. 

There you have it. If i want the video seen by the public, those are my only options. But you see, that's exactly where they fucked up, because here's where i'm smarter than the average bear... those options are only a trap for those who simply must have their work be seen by the public. Fortunately i am beyond such vanity, and don't give a flying fuck if my videos are ever seen by anyone, because i hate everyone, which means that I, and I alone, have a 5th option. 

5. I can say fuck you, kiss my ass, i don't have to deal with this, because i don't give a shit. I don't need the video to be public right now, and frankly i don't care if it ever is. I can post it here for you lovely patrons, collect your generous support, and be done with it. 

This was also going to be the rare patreon post at the beginning of the month, because that's when the video was done and uploaded. But then i had to spend 2 weeks re-editing the video, and still having it blocked every time, at which point i had no choice but to spend the next two weeks traveling deep into the forest to escape the spiraling failure that is the modern world, and here we are. 

I have divorced myself from the technological horrors of mankind and the stupid world wrought by them. I write this on a typewriter in my secluded Walden-cabin, and am posting it via a temporarily functional internet connection i've MacGyvered out of pine cones and lightning-kites. All of which will be thrown in a lake when i'm done with it, and constructed anew when duty calls once more. 

Please enjoy this, the mostly intact and unaltered 3rd or 4th render of my first actual video in like a year, which will probably never be seen publicly because i don't give a shit, i'm sick of re-editing it, and i totally refuse to surrender any more of my money to a company that i already pay 10 dollars a month to watch their shitty wrestling.

If you happen to be in one of the 5 random middle-eastern countries where clips of The Shockmaster are apparently forbidden, and can't see this video, feel free to cancel your WWE Network subscription and photoshop cocks in Vince Mcmahon's mouth. I heard that guy loves cocks. 

I have to include a gif so you understand this is a real thing that happened. 

To explain the reference further, WWE did a storyline where Vince's corpse-raping son-in-law and his middle-aged cowboy-stripper/born-again Christian friend repeatedly bullied him by finding increasingly elaborate ways to call him a homosexual and/or chicken-fucker. 

That's the entire storyline, it went on for months, and this is the company that thinks they deserve to profit off my video. Now perhaps you can understand my indignance.