Something special for you. (Patreon)

Here’s a little something I've wanted to do on here for a while. You’ve all been very supportive on here, so as much as I hate doing this kind of stuff, I figured it’s time I let you in on some things, fill in some details, clear some things up, and other vague terminology that basically amounts to keepin it real. It’s a super power of mine, just not one I like to abuse. Sort of like how Goku only busts out the kaiyoken when he has to because it breaks his bones. That was a pretty weeby analogy, but whatever, i ain’t got time to backspace.

Mostly I just wanted to say something appreciative. I don’t have anything in this world but my, admittedly superhuman levels of creativity and humor, and all the Herculean labors that come with it. I’m as gifted and cursed as any comic book superhero and if Peter Parker knew about me, he wouldn’t call it “Parker” luck anymore. But whatever the drawbacks it’s all of you on here that have kept me going. You’re like the New Yorkers standing between me and the Doc Ocks of the world, and I hope to never be unworthy of that loyalty.

Years ago I stopped posting publicly so much and went primarily patreon exclusive with my stuff. I didn’t advertise or promote the decision because it wasn’t financially motivated. I’m sometimes accused of putting my content behind a “paywall” as if it’s somehow an act that could only be motivated by greed, which goes to show how few people online are capable of things like perspective, empathy, or seeing entertainers as human. “Paywall” is one of those loaded terms people use to imply a creator has broken one of the many, many nebulous codes of conduct enforced upon us by the do-nothing peanut gallery and drama-humping wannabe influencers who make their living by leeching off and attacking actual artists.

There’s a lot of “content creators” online who do shady, underhanded things out of selfishness and greed. Believe me, i’ve met them, but i have never been one of them, and the thought of being misunderstood as such really gets under my skin. It’s one of the few things I find offensive.

I’ve always chosen art over money. I’ve left easy paychecks behind many times because the environment they came from was bad for me and bad in general. I’ve stayed away from crowdfunding campaigns for events and paid for my own travel to show up and interact with the fans out of my own pocket. I’ve been begged to show up places and then told when i got there that it was decided i should be paid half of what everyone else is getting, and i still stuck around and gave it my all to entertain.

I’ve sacrificed my own time and career ambitions time and time again to take the reigns on getting shit done and going above and beyond for my team. Everything that i touched has a stamp of quality and care on it that is undeniable. Everything i put together has visible effort in every frame, and real emotion, real soul, my soul, infused into its very essence. While others were okay with the bare minimum, i always put in the work to make something great. Something unique, something only i could ever have created.

Not because i’m “the greatest artist of all time” or any such tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (true though it may be), but simply because I am an artist. Not a content creator, or an influencer, or an e-celeb, or a social media personality. An actual artist. A legitimate, authentic, independent, original. I take pride in it, I take it seriously, and it’s an increasingly rare thing these days. Guys like me are a dying breed, and i ain’t been feelin too good.

I’ve allowed others to take credit for and profit off my ideas and my work, i’ve shared what should have been mine, and i gave 100 percent to everything no matter the cost to myself because for a time i really believed in the people i was doing it with. I’ve never gone out of my to hurt or attack anyone and in all honesty i’ve been far too forgiving of those who have deliberately fucked with me or screwed me over. i’ve never engaged with online drama or gotten involved with any of that stupid bullshit, even when i was the target of it, because it wasn’t important to me, creating was. I’ve chosen to be true to myself and my values every time, and it’s come with serious drawbacks.

I’ve struggled financially for my entire career and never taken the easy way out. I’ve taken pay cuts and been ripped off and never stooped to the same low tactics or cruel conduct that others regularly do. I believe in doing things right, which isn’t always lucrative in this world. The bastards figured that out a long time ago and that’s why we’re all in this mess.

The point is being patreon exclusive is no money-making scheme, if it were, it’d be a fantastically stupid one. I’d be making a lot more money if I posted all my work publicly. But i’ve taken a long break from that anyways because i recognized that i had to. There’s a lot of sad, deranged clout-addicts out there who lack the awareness, integrity, or self-respect to make that call, and the result is that the internet changes them, they devolve into part of the problem, creating less and less of value and more and more of the poison that’s already ruined what should have been the greatest platform for creativity humanity’s ever had.

I don’t think of patreon as a “paywall” so much as a drawbridge and moat. If I could afford alligators I'd get some. I keep to myself on patreon for the sake of my own privacy and sanity. Years ago I made some very bad mistakes in terms of the people I chose to work with. It was pretty cool at first, but let’s just say our philosophy’s diverged over time and now i find myself in the unfortunate position of not being able to show myself in the public sphere at all without immediately being pounced upon and dragged back into the same rotten muck by the same shitty people all over again. I seem to be forever associated with a certain bubble that i’ve tried my best to leave behind.

That’s why i’m not so much of a public figure these days and why all this comedy gold i’ve put out is reserved for a paying audience. Because a paying audience is a smaller audience, and more importantly an audience i can reasonably trust to actually give a shit about me. An audience that genuinely appreciates what i can do instead of just seeing me as an object of para-social interest, or seeing my work as a tool to be appropriated for someone else’s profits.  An audience that actually seems to like me, instead of one primarily concerned with what entertainment can be gleamed from my misery, annoyance, or torture.

I don’t need a big audience, i certainly don’t need the audience that’s waiting for me out there, but i do need some kind of audience. A loyal one, a decent one, one i can trust. That’s you. So thanks for being here. I kept telling myself i’d make a video like this for you all once i was reasonably sure i was out of the shit. Once i had a stable place to live and a place where i could reasonably expect to be able to start over, and really bunker myself down to work on newer, bolder ideas, and bigger more ambitious projects. Maybe even go public again once i had some a direction figured out and some impressive stuff ready to go with it.

I’ve been out in the world getting more powerful, and i’m bursting with ideas for the future. I was actually feeling pretty optimistic and excited, mostly because after years of personal struggle and constant toil i had managed to put my life together pretty well over. By christmas i knew the time had arrived to let the patrons know i’m doing okay, looking to do even better, and say thanks for everything so far.

But right as i was getting ready to do that, just days into the new year i got slapped in the face out of nowhere by the same old fucking bullshit. I should have known it’d be something like this. It always fucking is. I don’t know if you like to read these first and watch the video after, or watch the video first. But you’ll notice a few mentions in the video of some unspecified tragedy. I’m only vague about it because it’s stuff i hate talking about, and i didn’t want to get mired in it here considering, again, the point of this video is to say thank you. Not to mope about gay problems that fucking suck.

As usual in moments like these I'm torn on how to express myself about it. I want to be as transparent and open as possible with everyone who supports me but I also hate getting trapped in that shit when all i want to do is make cool stuff and entertain people. When it comes to the internet, as soon as you say anything, you end up having to say everything, and then you can’t stop. Everybody wants to respond and talk shit, so you have to keep clarifying, and defending yourself and talking about it more and it just becomes an ongoing thing that prevents you from doing anything you actually want to be doing. That’s why it’s so toxic. You get wrapped up in the image of yourself and how it’s being twisted and misrepresented, or misunderstood, and it becomes this ego-trap. Like one of those jungle-flowers that swallow bugs and slowly digests them alive. When you’re in it, it’s hard to get out, and I already got out once. The thought of being dragged back in is honestly fucking me right up, fam.

So i admit i tend to allude to these kind of things in as broad of terms as possible, but i’m aware of the problems that creates as well. People want to know everything, they always want to know, and the less of a roadmap you give them the more the sleuth hats come out. In the past i’ve always tried to be the bigger man, put my head down, keep my mouth shut and focus on the work. But i’ve also learned the hard way how doing that just makes people speculate, and come up with even wilder shit on their own.

Watching this back I realize it sounds like I'm talking about some sudden personal loss or something. Like a death or a break up and it’s nothing like that. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, nobody died and I'm still cool with everyone in my life who actually matters.

The events that have me in such an aggrieved state have more to do with people I used to trust continuing to let me down, take advantage of me, go behind my back, and stab me in the heart at every available opportunity. You know, like people I used to work with.

Some people just can’t get enough of riding my nuts, and some sad wretches’ one true love in life seems to be completely and totally ruining my life from afar, which they always seem to find a way to do no matter how hard I try to remove myself from their incredibly toxic orbits and live a peaceful life, minding my own business, entertaining my supporters, and bothering nobody.

A wise green dummy called The Incredible Hulk has more than once uttered the immortal summation of his plight “Hulk just wants to be left alone”. I’ve always found that lesser known catchphrase endearingly relatable, but I would add a second part to it. My version goes, “Endless Jess just wants to be left alone, and not used as ammunition in some idiotic, petty vendetta that i have nothing to do with.”

You see I’ve come down with a terrible case of being robbed, specifically by someone I thought I was cool with, which is always a great thing to be blindsided by. This comes alongside the unfortunate return of some chronic second hand embarrassment that i’ve been dealing with for many years, as well as just a pinch of complete and total devastation and heartbreak over my life’s work being perverted into something ugly, mean-spirited and cruel, in an act so casually inconsiderate and brazenly malicious that it destroys any and all hope of ever reconciling with the friends i once loved or reuniting with the fans i still do.

Not for the first time, i find myself at the crossroads of other people’s supreme incompetence and malice, getting screwed in both ends. You’d think I'd be used to this kind of thing by now, and I am. But just because you’re used to something, don’t make it hurt less.

Speaking of things that hurt, I really should see a doctor about this terrible pain in my neck that I got from repeatedly being kicked around like the ball in vapid ego-games between creatively bankrupt narcissists.

Yes, nothing puts a turd in my punch bowl quite like being dragged back into the same muck i’ve scratched and clawed for years to escape, by the very same bozos who have already sabotaged my career and destroyed my mental health in countless ways ever since i first naively decided to give them so very, very much of my time and creativity.

Collaboration can be a wonderful thing, but it can also become a terrible, prolonged curse. Sometimes you meet the right people and build something great together. Other times you meet people who seem like the right people until piece be piece every thing you tried to build is ruined, corrupted, and made painful to look back on by the unbelievable levels of incompetence, selfishness, and stupidity that these hateful jackals not only regularly exhibit but also seem to pride themselves on.

Personally I prefer to pride myself on my art. I guess we have that in common, since everyone else likes to pride themselves on my art as well. If only they could make their own, and leave my work the hell alone. If only people did their jobs, instead of being useless slobs. Just when I get to a sort of good mood, I get totally screwed again, how rude.

So yeah, I feel pretty shitty at the moment. If you don’t know what i’m talking about, good, don’t worry about it. People who don’t follow such crap are my favorite viewers. I try not to follow it either, but it loves to follow me.

If I have to talk about it in more detail at some point I will, but frankly the thought of having to do so is making me sick. I wish I didn't have to say anything at all. You cannot possibly fathom how much I hate this kind of shit.

Honestly, I've been a wreck, floating from room to room all month like a hopeless, panicked ghost. I’ve basically been living in one long anxiety attack, dreading what comes next. Just know that I'm handling it to the best of my ability, and I really don’t want to bum anyone out. All I ever want is to make you laugh. As another of my personal heroes once said, “a laugh can be a very powerful thing, sometimes it’s the only weapon we have”.

My job is to entertain you, and unlike some people I take my responsibilities seriously. My job is also to create, with my own mind and my own hands, and I take that more seriously than I can ever express. I’ve never taken a break from entertaining my audience, or from expressing my own personal, unique brand of creativity, no matter what the situation or what was going on in my life. Anyone who’s been following this patreon for a while should see that as self-evident.

I do not like talking about my personal life or struggles online, it’s not your business or your problem. I will say in a general sense, that I have been through the ringer, as I'm sure many of us have. But even at my lowest points, I have always lived by the mantra the show must go on, because making cool stuff and entertaining people is my entire reason for living. It’s my fucking dna. So don’t worry, I'm sure I'll be back to making poop jokes in no time, even as the world conspires yet again to destroy me. That’s life. The demons have sunk their fangs into me before but never stopped me.

In addition to the Helly emotional hard times this most recent betrayal is putting on me, it’s putting a hell of a financial strain on me as well. So if I don't want to be homeless again I'm going to be depending on my patrons more than ever.

I hate promoting this page because it requires posting publicly, which I hate doing even more. So before I get that desperate I'd prefer to keep it real with my existing audience and see if there’s anything I can do to make this page better.

Just to be clear, you people owe me absolutely nothing. You’ve already kept me alive for years when i was living through a pandemic in hotels and tents in the fucking woods. You’ve supported my work even when circumstances prevented it from being as focused and tightly edited as it used to be. You’ve given me an audience to entertain when it no longer felt safe to entertain the masses as a public figure.

Every single person who has supported this patreon has not only kept me alive but kept meaning in my life. Without being able to create and entertain, I wouldn't be here. I’d be a drug addict or dead.

So I'm not gonna sit here and ask you to raise pledges, but I am asking how I can make it worth it for you to do so. I have some ideas. New reward tiers I'm thinking of implementing, but suggestions are welcome. I’ll keep you updated.

For starters, you’ll notice a new goal here, labeled “cost of living”. It’s the total calculation of my rent, utilities, phone, car payment, internet and groceries, which comes out to exactly 2 grand a month. Now, the highest my patronage has ever gotten on here was just over 1 grand, and it’s currently dipped to around 750.

The lower it gets the more uploads I have to cram into a month to break even, which is why all the lets plays and podcasts. I enjoy doing them and I put effort into making them as good as I can, but it’s the speed at which I can produce them that has made them a necessity.

If by some miracle i do hit that 2000 mark, i can put more time into making bigger, more professional videos, now that i actually have a space to do it in. That doesn’t mean the lets plays or random podcasts would stop, but i don’t think anyone would complain about a return to the more time consuming scripted and edited stuff.

This would also free me up to put more time into putting out bonus content for the reward tiers. So getting to 2 grand on here, or even getting back up to 1 grand, would be a significant help and lessen my general stress quite a bit.

With pledge caps, subsequent uploads bring in diminishing returns so currently, even with 4-6 uploads on here a month, lately I've only been pulling in around 1500-1600 at most.

This isn’t as dire as it sounds, my girl has an income as well. But I am currently operating at a loss, and recent events are threatening to set us both back even further.

Shit sucks, but I’m hoping I can turn it around into something positive, with the help of all you Hambois, Brogans and Buttchug Brothers. So thanks for watching me be cool, and thanks for being cool.

The year is still young, and so am I. I've still got plenty to show ya. It’s what I do.

Edit:

Forgot to mention, i also have a P.O. box now, which i had to get so i could, out of my own pocket, do somebody else's job for them. I guess i might as well share it here as well, in case any of you feel inclined to send something. Maybe i'll do an unboxing or something.

4364 Western Center BLVD PMB #180, Fort Worth, TX 76137-2043