Star Whore: Falling Dead Guy (Patreon)

Upon uploading the previous post, the video of that awful disney game, i realized today is May 4, a fake holiday where Disney bots all post hashtag star wars stuff and say "May The 4th Be With You". That's it, the whole thing is just that one crappy pun. 

It's time to face the music. Nobody likes or cares about Star Wars anymore. We can't. It's impossible. It's gone from a niche franchise you could reference for nerd cred into a conglomeration of crap so normie-fied even normies find it vaguely unpleasant. It's like there's a stink around the whole franchise now and it's impossible not to perceive.

No one even talks about Star Wars except to talk about how vacuous and lame it's become. Han Solo got old and dies and then they made a movie about baby han solo played by michael cera or some shit. Luke Skywalker got old and died and then they had young Luke show up in that god awful boring Mandolorian show played by a Smash Bros Melee wireframe computer man, Leia got old and so dead they had to cobble her scenes together in the last movie out of leftover footage like a human hot dog, and there is literally a show on disney plus right now where the guy who played Boba Fett a hundred years ago is wandering around bursting out of his gurdle like an aging metal band, looking like he's gonna keel over and croak any second.

Baby Yoda is this generation's Garfield suction cup car window plush, only somehow more cynical and with less artistic value. Fucking Palpatine came back from the dead, which was announced to the world in Fortnite and the movie outright refused to explain. Characters are unceremoniously dropped when the actors are fired for wrong-think, and not even Roasario Dawson's fine orange ass can entice me to watch The Blandalorian. I wouldn't sit through that insipid bullshit even if she got totally naked, i wouldn't watch it for all the sexy torgruta sluts in the galaxy. 

The only good thing to come out of the new movies was Adam Driver screaming about being incubated in a pizza oven on SNL, but even that's ruined because it's SNL which means having to also see Pete Davidson's hideous fucking face. Star Wars sucks. 

For all these reasons and more i'm convinced there is not a single solitary human left who still gets exited about Star Wars. I said human so reddit mods don't count. 

Point being i had this in the editing dock anyway and since i happen to be posting at the beginning of the month for once here i am joining the May 4th festivities. So here's my One World Walt Disney Government Mandated Piece of Star Wars Content. I hope the mouse chokes on it. 

At the very least i am choosing to aknowledge Star Wars the only decent and honorable way one can anymore, which is by playing a video game, because Star Wars has long been a better video game franchise than a movie one.  And if you think that's a hot take, here's one that'll really cauterize your stubs...

The best Star Wars movie is Mallrats. 

There you go, that's the only Star Wars opinion i can comfortably allow myself to have. I've searched my feelings and know it to be true. Now if you'll excuse me there's a fly in here and it just buzzed past my ear so i'm more pissed off than anyone has ever been in history.