October Review: The Transformers: The Movie (1986) (Patreon)

To be completely up-front, I was not a Transformers kid. Beyond a brief exposure to Michael Bay's movies and a pop culture understanding of "robots in disguise" I don't know much about these vehicles and their human friends. To that end, I went into this to judge The Transformers: The Movie (1986) based on how it held together as a film for a casual viewer. My main takeaway? If I never hear a man sing "You have the touch, you have the power" again it will be too soon.

The Transformers: The Movie (1984) is the film entry that follows the 80s Transformers TV series. Set in the distant future of 2005, it sees the robots in disguise fighting old foes, until our most marketable heroes are killed and a new planet-sized evil threatens the Autobots. The plot is at once incredibly simple and complex. Like the Saturday morning cartoons that inspired it, the ultimate defeat of the villain is a forgone conclusion, and rather than rush to the end, this feature film throws many a smaller foe at our extensive cast of characters. There is a purity to the struggle between good and evil, vastly overshadowed by the proper nouns constantly thrown about of indistinguishable importance. Whether it's new characters, ancient powers, or simply a change of scenery, everything is tied deeply to the wider Transformers lore. This is not explicitly a flaw of the film, it was after all, intended for the audience of the show, but it is disorienting for those of us new to Transformers. The Transformers: The Movie (1984) is not the best place to jump into the franchise.

The most shocking element of the plot is the deaths of major characters, notably Optimus Prime and Megatron. Spurred on by the executives jonesing to sell more, new toys, these deaths are notably bold choices for a film involving legacy beloved characters. Barely a third of the way into the run time The Transformers: The Movie (1984) destroys its own status quo, or so it seems. While upsetting for anyone attached to Prime, the more shocking elements of the action are hindered for new viewers by the relentless yet monotone pace the film insists on running at. As soon as the Matrix is passed along, the music kicks back in and the Autobots are back facing their planet-opponent. There is little aside from previous attachment or nostalgia to make the impact last.

The voice cast is star studded, perhaps most notably as Orson Welles last performance, voicing Unicron, a planet-sized bad guy mere days before his passing. Other big names include Judd Nelson (Hot Rod) and Leonard Nimoy (Galvatron), though the entire cast has gone on to be prolific voice actors in their own rights. I'd list them all, but truly this film is packed to the gills with characters. Between the dying and reborn old guard, new inhabitants of new planets, and just breadth of toy-line cartoon standards nearly every scene introduces a new robot. The performances must then be incredibly distinct in order to differentiate the rather unwieldy cast, often veering into parody or exaggerated accents. No one voice stands out, but no one is bringing up the rear either. The frequent use of voice modulators and other alterations also makes it difficult to judge any one performance, as does the nonstop 80s action soundtrack.

We have to talk about the music in this movie. Transformers has a very classic theme song. The cartoon opens big and frankly, that's the right way to open. The Transformers: The Movie (1984) however, takes this one step further. Nearly every scene, nay, every moment is scored with the most ear-shaking, bombastic 80s rock power ballads they could score. The soundtrack includes names like Weird Al and Kick Axe, but it is Stan Bush who will haunt my dreams. Every fight, every major encounter, every darkest hour of The Transformers: The Movie (1984) features a moment where as our heroes pick themselves up, Stan Bush begins to shout "You have the touch." The first time I heard Stan Bush's "The Touch" I thought it was a classic 80s movie song, the second I thought, "well, they're getting their commissions worth," and the third I wanted to rip the speakers out of the wall. The unrelenting, near un-altered "The Touch" infects every inch of this film.

The fault does not lie solely with Mr. Bush, though I would now consider him my personal enemy, but his song is an excellent indicator of a broader problem with the musical direction of this film. Whether it's "The Touch" or one of the many other similar songs on the soundtrack, The Transformers: The Movie (1984) does not let up. Every moment of this film is undercut by blasting electric guitars, synths, and drums, resulting in a completely flat emotional soundscape. Music is an incredibly powerful tool to tell an audience how to feel. It can take a scene of two characters sitting around a table and turn it from tense to mellow and back again. This tool can only be applied however, if it is varied. If every scene is bombastically scored, then there is no information conveyed. Every scene sounds like "The Touch," so we're no longer told how to feel by "The Touch," it becomes a baseline. Beyond failure of over-application, the music's style, namely "big, bold, and loud," is so overwhelming as to drown out some of the more notable lines of dialogue. The Transformers: The Movie (1984) is not an approachable film for a new viewer. You need clues like the music to set stakes, and yet the film wastes this tool on constantly having my mortal foe Stan Bush sing, "You have the touch, you have the power" over every single frame.

Overall, I think I'm not a great judge for this film. Independent of any knowledge of the Transformers, The Transformers: The Movie (1984) is a headache-inducing array of nicely animated machines. The film fails to establish the stakes or world in a tangible way for new viewers, and in doing so takes away the impact of its bolder decisions. There are too many characters to attach too deeply to any one, and the weight of the lore is too great for this film to really carry with a runtime too short to really bother to explain. The only thing I can truly never, ever forgive The Transformers: The Movie (1984) for though, is introducing me to Stan Bush.

3 robots in disguise out of 10