The Obesity: Book II (Patreon)

This has been one of my favorite pieces to work on, and if you vote for it, there will be a third installment to cap it off! Enjoy!

Tell me again, O Muse, of the hero of great girth and hunger, who captured the hard heart of the enchantress Circe, and even now sailed to the fabled land of the Lotus Eaters, to capture their sweet nectar at the behest of Hestia, goddess of the hearth. Of the house of Ithaca, cousin to wily Odysseus, he had embarked on a quest from his patron, Hestia, to bring glory to his house and prosperity in his cousin’s kingdom, finally shutting Odysseus up and putting an end his relentless teasing.

Obeseus, the largest fox in all of Greece, destined to be so wide that he did wedge himself between the Pillars of Heracles, one day so vast that wise Athena, even aided by crafty Pythagoras, could scarce to calculate his circumference, had traversed the treacherous waters aboard a vessel fashioned by Hermes, with a reinforced hull to support his mass. 

“The time is nigh,” spake the fleet-footed god, the clever ram that all wayfarers paid homage to. “Hestia worries thou shalt not find the fabled honey of the Lotus Eaters. Mighty Zeus has declared a feast in Olympus, and prepare must she, for she has been put in charge of appetizers.”

“O clever Hermes, you worry too much,” spake the sorceress, Circe. Cunning as she was beautiful, a vixen that had spelled the doom of many a man consumed by hubris, she had now joined Obeseus in his quest, beguiled by his kindness and warmth, and overjoyed at the sight of his round, expanding middle. “Between my magic, your cleverness, and Obeseus’...” her words did escape Circe, as she looked over at the fat fox. He was in the middle of a fried fish of his own cooking, and with each bite, it seemed, his wide buttocks did spread across the bench, those two large, furry spheres entrancing the enchantress. 

“Well… we are sure to find an answer,” Circe concluded.

Hermes arched his sharp brow, looking between the vixen and fox. He did refrain from speaking further, for his godly reason told him it would be unwise to press further. “Indeed. But Obeseus, thou must be prepared for the Lotus Eaters. One sip of their nectar, and thou shalt be entranced, obsessed with their sweet taste, mayhap forever. Thou risk the fate of Tantalus, forever craving something you can never get enough of.”

Obeseus did grin, “Oh, I shan’t worry about that. I have tasted a great many things in my time, and mayhap I could find something even sweeter than the Lotus Nectar.”

Silver-tongued Hermes was robbed of speech, staring at the blubber-laden fox for a scant moment. “I would tell thee to be wary of hubris, but I fear the number of things thou hast eaten. Mayhap you have indeed supped of something sweeter than Lotus Nectar. But still. Do not. Drink it.”

Obeseus did fight to roll his eyes. He did deem it unwise to seem so flippant in front of one of the gods. “As you say, o God of Merchants.”

Circe did peer over the bow, to study the horizon. “Oh, by Hera’s poorly colored highlights… Obeseus, you should come see this.”

The gluttonous canine did waddle to the bow, and he was then filled with fear. “Well, shit.”

Ahead of the ship was a sight that Obeseus knew from his cousin’s many tales. On one side, a many tentacled monster, with the upper body of a giant, hideous woman. On the other, a raging whirlpool, and Obeseus knew what laid at the bottom of that watery abyss; a terrible monster whose hunger not even he could match.

“Scylla and Charybdis!” Obeseus did shout, as he lumbered for the till of the ship, as his many layers of fat did wobble. “We must away!”

“Nay!” Hermes did declare, with the thundering voice of his father. “Hold fast and screw thine courage to the sticking point, Obeseus! For thine destination lies just beyond the straits of these beasts!”

“Obeseus,” Circe did run to the side of her latest boytoy. “If we make it past these two, I shall prepare for thee a feast! I will make you anything you wish, my love.”

Then did Obeseus pause, as the thought of heavenly treats did entice his mind, visions woven by Morpheus himself. “Even… baklava?”

The sorceress had little time to think, and so did she nod. “Yes, of course!” She wore a false smile, as she did not know how to make baklava.

Thus did Obeseus, the stoutest hero of fair Ithaca, find his strength of spirit. He grabbed the till with the same strength and command as did wily Odysseus, and the fox remembered well his cousin’s words. He had steered the ship towards Scylla, sacrificing some of his crew to the beast’s many grasping tentacles, but saved the ship and all else on board by steering clear of Charybdis. But then, there were only three of them, and his heart could not bear sacrificing beautiful Circe; he had never tasted her baklava.

Resolved, Obeseus looked to the waves whirling around Charybdis. “This ship is stronger and better built than any in Ithaca’s harbor. Surely, it can withstand the tide around monstrous Charybdis?”

“I mean…” Hermes did shrug his shoulders. “I had never conceived that this vessel would by thrown against the might of Charybdis! If we steer into the waves, needs must we have ballast on the other side to keep us afloat.”

“But where will we find something heavy enough to keep the ship weighted?” Obeseus asked, his belly jiggling as rough waves did crash against the ship. “Winged Hermes, beautiful Circe… why are you looking at me like that?”

“No other hero has ever been treated like this,” Obeseus declared but a moment later, as Hermes did tie him to the starboard side. “Am I nothing more than a pile of ballast?”

The Messenger God stuffed another fish in Obeseus’ mouth. “For good measure,” spake he, then added a great number more fish, stuffing the fat fox with such god-like speed, enough food for four people was stuffed in the fox’s mouth in a matter of moments, as his cheeks did billow out like the sail of their ship, his tremendous gut rumbling like Hephaestus’ forge.

“Hermes!” Circe did cry. “We are out of time!”

The Son of Olympus and the Sorceress did pull on the ship’s till, and the boards did groan and creak. The hull scraped against the whirlpool, but Obeseus’ great weight made the ship lean. Though Obeseus was forced to gulp down mouthfuls of sea water, the ship, by Poseidon’s grace, was free. Great and terrible was Charybdis’ roar, when the beast realized supper had thus escaped. 

“Oh, brave Obeseus!” spake Circe, as she did rush to the fox’s wide and voluminous side. Sank she deep into his cotton-soft belly, untying him from the ship’s side. “Your girth hath saved us!”

“Thanks be to Zeus,” Obeseus wheezed, and with great hacking and coughing of seawater. “Please… free me of this taste in my mouth. Where is the wine?”

Plied with enough wine to induce him to sleep, Obeseus was awakened later by Hermes.

“We have arrived! Through great trials, o hero, thou hast led us to the Island of the Lotus Eaters!”

All three did stare in awe. Before them lay a greatly fair isle; the waters around it were pure and blue, the beaches white and fine, and lush was the vegetation.

“Prepare thyself, Obeseus,” spake Hermes. “For the Lotus-Eaters speak with a tongue that is like our own, but the nectar has twisted their speech. They are a kind and giving people, but you must not sup, for remember, thou shalt be induced to apathy to all else but the Nectar.”

Came the three to the isle’s beach, and there, they were welcomed by a great many Lotus Eaters. Dressed were they in strange robes and wearing garlands of flowers upon their heads, their leader, a noticeably rotund bear, held out his hands, and spake he in the dialect of the Lotus Eaters.

“Heeey, man!” spake he. “Like, Welcome to the Lotus Eater Island, man. Woah, dudes. You look, like, totally stressed. Do you want to like, mellow out? We got some fresh nectar, and…”

“Cease, tempter!” Hermes did declare, a flash of light silencing the bear. “We have come hither and thither on a quest from a god of Olympus, and thou shall not delay us. By my father, Zeus, we have come for the honey of thy flowers, but we shall not sup of your nectar and fruit, so do not ply your honeyed words at us again!”

“Woah, man. Not righteous,” spake the Lotus Eater. “Like, if you want some honey, man, it’s just over there. Take what you want, but you, big dude,” he pointed to Obeseus. “You, like… got this aura, man, it’s totally righteous. We’ll let your friends get whatever honey you want, man, but you gotta chill with us.”

Obeseus looked to Circe and Hermes for guidance, but had they none. He turned to the Lotus Eater, and nodded. “I shall speak with you, but I cannot tarry in my quest.”

Circe grabbed his flabby arm. “Obeseus, I beg you, be careful! Promise you will not drink of their nectar.”

“You can trust me,” spake Obeseus, pressing the sorceress against his flabby side and leaving her with a kiss.

The Lotus Eaters, all of them rotund, and bloodshot and vacant were their eyes, then surrounded Obeseus, carrying him away as if on a tide, leaving Circe and Hermes to their task. Quickly did the god and sorceress reach for jars, and work at the many lush and beautiful lotuses to collect their rich honey.

“So like, dude, we love sharing this nectar, man. You gotta try it,” spake the lead Lotus Eater. “We make it here, so it’s all natural. Totally good for your aura, man. A righteous dude like you knows when you’re around the good shit, right?”

“I suppose…” spake Obeseus.

“So like, dude, here’s our deal, man. You drink like, just a bit of nectar, and we’ll let you go. We just want to share the love, man.” 

But the fox was steadfast, and thought of a clever lie. “I’m, uh, not hungry.” 

“Yeah, dude? Bummer. You sure?” The lead Lotus Eater led Obeseus to a great spring, but here was not water, but nectar, the color of the dawn. Sweet was its aroma, and great were the lotuses growing around it. “It’s like, super great, man.”

“As I said,” Obeseus spake, though his eyes were wanting. “I’m not hungry.”

But, betrayal! As if urged by Eris, goddess of discord, Obeseus’ belly did rumble like a starving animal.

“Aw, man,” spake the Lotus Eater. “You can’t lie here, man, it’s bad for your aura. You gotta try some nectar.” And raised a cup did he to Obeseus’ lips.

“Well, I suppose just a taste…”

Busy and industrious were Circe and Hermes, and soon had they secured the long sought-after honey on their ship. “It has been far too quiet, and I have seen none of the Lotus Eaters,” spake Circe. “O clever Hermes, think ye that Obeseus fairs well?”

“Strange it is indeed to see this beach suddenly so vacant. Hasten we shall, to find Obeseus,” Hermes spake with haste.

The two did run to find their rotund companion, but as they entered the woods, an ambush! Lotus Eaters surrounded them, more than a dozen round bellies, overfilled with nectar. “Woah, dude,” spake one. “You like, think you can just come here and take our honey? Bummer.”

“Bummer,” the others did echo.

“We all think, like, you need to chill? But we’re all about love, here, so we just want to, like… give you some of the nectar, man. You’ll love it, and be totally righteous.”

“How darest thou!” Hermes declared. “Know thou not who I am? I am Hermes, son of all-seeing Zeus! Dare ye risk his wrath?”

“Like, Zeus is the man, okay? And we gotta fight the man, because like… he’s totally a downer, dude. So we think, like, you’re going to come with us. It’s time to mellow out, and drink some nectar, dude.”

“I shall turn ye all into pigs!” Circe declared, even as she was jostled by the Lotus Eaters, deeper into the forest. “Ye shall know the wrath of Circe, if not of Zeus!”

But none of their threats did sway their captors. Led were they both to the spring, and there, was a most astonishing sight.

Where once there had been a spring flowing with nectar, there was now a great hill, covered with white and ruddy-red fur. But then did Circe gasp, for on closer inspection, she saw it was her love, Obeseus! Vast was his great white belly, huge and burdensome like the boulder wretched Sisyphus was forced to roll. Listless were his arms, swaddled in lard, and gone were his legs, for neither she nor Hermes could see them; buried under layers of fat so thick, not even Heracles could hope to lift them. His handsome face was great and round, each cheek like a discus. He then hiccuped, the aroma of nectar on his breath, and thus was the cause of his immense state and size revealed.

“Like, dude!” spake the lead Lotus Eater. “He drank all our nectar! He’s totally harshing our mellow, man!”

“Sorry, man…” did slur Obeseus, his eyes heavy as he spake in the Lotus Eater dialect. “It was, like you said, really good shit, dude.”

“But you didn’t leave any for us, man! Or your friends!” Raged the Lotus Eater. “Like… how are we supposed to trap you here so you can, like, mellow out with us forever now?!”

“It would appear that thou hast been foiled, Lotus Eater,” Hermes did declare. “Let us leave, and we will not unleash mighty Obeseus’ hunger upon thine island home.”

“Like, ugh! You guys are totally harshing our mellow. Uncool, man!” The lead Lotus Eater declared, but saw he that his scheme was foiled. “Just go, like… now we got to do work to get more nectar, man, and I already feel my buzz wearing off. Not cool, man.”

Freed from their captors, Circe and Hermes were left with a weighty task; restoring Obeseus to the ship. Dug they deep into his sides, his belly sloshing like an overfull wineskin. Toiled they did, slowly rolling his great bulk to the shore.

“A riddle to confound Theseus,” Hermes declared, as they viewed their vessel, moored at the water’s edge. “How shall we get Obeseus to the ship now?”

Circe did sigh, as she did wipe her brow. Long had she wished to bury herself in the folds of the fox’s belly, but woe, this was not how she had planned it. “Perhaps he is now buoyant…?”

Hermes threw up his arms in consternation. “It seems as good a plan as any.” Dug he in his heels, as Hermes did roll the blobular fox into the wake of the sea.

“Obeseus, my love, shocked am I that these words leave my mouth…” spake Circe. “But we must hasten you on a diet.”

Obeseus, the nectar still permeating his mind, did speak. “Woah, harsh, man.”

But so was Obeseus’ quest near completion; the Lotus Eater’s honey was secure in his ship, and now all that laid before him was the journey home. But, o muse, you know how his cousin did fare on his way home. Speak to me again another night, for all do know that more adventures do await the flabbiest hero Olympus has ever declared.