Suggestion Box- A Kobold Hoard (Patreon)

It looked like it would be another productive day for Xiz; it was market day, and Waterdeep was filled with unsuspecting visitors that weren’t watching their coin purses too carefully. Weaving in and out of the crowds, the steel blue kobold craned his neck, looking up for a good first mark to start off the day. He soon spotted what he was looking for; a wizard! An old man with embroidered, flowing robes, and a lot of sparkly rings and amulets. Perfect! Xiz was already salivating, thinking of the heavy sack of gold that awaited him once he fenced even one of those rings…

Weaving in and out between people’s legs, the kobold tried to keep up with the old man. He wasn’t certain about how he could pry the rings or the amulet off… but if a wizard was walking around with that much jewelry, he had to have something good in his coin purse. Rubbing his hands, Xiz ducked behind a closed stall as the wizard stopped by one of the city guards.

“Excuse me, young man, can you point me in the direction of a temple to Oghma?” Xiz heard the wizard ask, his pointed ears twitching. He knew where that was… he could probably cut him off. While the guard gave a set of brusque, vague directions, Xiz was already working his way up to the Temple District. Once there, he tucked himself in an alleyway, just around the corner from the sprawling marble temple dedicated to Oghma, and he waited.

The old man didn’t disappoint. Lucky for Xiz, the guards in this posh part of town weren’t nearly so alert as down in the markets. He dropped down from his hiding place, and just as easy as they come, he lifted the wizard’s coin purse, suppressing a gleeful cackle as he sprinted for a hiding place.

The old wizard reached the steps of Oghma’s temple, and quickly made his way to an acolyte in a blue robe. “Young lady, I must speak with a Priestess at once. I have…” the wizard reached down for his coin purse, then gasped. Feeling around and patting himself down, he began to panic.

“Is something wrong, sir?”

“My coin purse! It’s gone! Oh, dear… I was keeping some cursed artifacts in there. The worst one of all is the Bracelet of Gluttony. Oh, I don’t mind telling you, my girl, but the person who finds that is in for a nasty surprise.”

Xiz, now well in the clear, cackled as he slipped into an alleyway. He looked around to make sure he was alone, then opened up his prize. The glint of gold made his eyes go wide; there was a collection of gold dragons, platinum moons, and silver stars jingled around a heavily jeweled bracelet. Xiz eyed it covetously as he took it out, giggling again as the jewels cut the afternoon sun. “Oh, now this… this will keep me fed for a year!” He chuckled. A strange whim struck him, however, as he unclasped the bracelet, and girded it around his waist. It was a little snug, but fit him rather well. Chuckling, he slung the coin purse over his shoulder, but then, just as he was about to head off for home, his stomach growled angrily.

“Oh… well… I guess I didn’t get any lunch…” Craning his neck, he smirked as he spotted a bakery. “Jackpot.”

Licking his lips as he slithered his way to the open display window, he was just going to grab a roll or two… and one of those small frosted cakes. And that meat pie. Oh, was that marzipan commissioned by the Open Lord? Scrumptious treat after treat slipped into Xiz’s mouth as he found a comfortable nook to enjoy his ill-gotten gains. Sweet and savory tastes and smells overwhelmed his senses as he fell into a feeding frenzy, until he was snapped back to reality by a terrified shriek.

“You filthy little vermin! What have you done?!” A distressed, red-faced woman shouted, smacking Xiz with her broom.

“Hey! Hey!” the kobold squeaked, rolling out of the window and hitting the cobblestone street below. “I was gonna pay for that, honest!”

“It’s forty gold dragons worth of food you just gobbled up, you fat little thing!” 

“Fat?! What’re you…” He looked down, his hand hitting his middle a lot sooner than he thought. “Oooh…” He was twice the kobold he used to be. Once rail thin with his ribs showing, his middle had expanded to a soft, round padding that filled out the bracelet around his waist. Oddly enough, it wasn’t any tighter… and were there more gems on it than he remembered. “Right, uh…” he offered the baker the coin purse.

“And what poor soul did you steal this from?” she muttered, pouring out the coins into her palm, narrowing his eyes. “Just where would a kobold like you get coins from half of Faerun?”

“Yoink!” Xiz jumped up, finding it a little harder to do than it used to be. He snatched up most of the coins, and broke into a run. 

“You horrid beast! Guards! Guards, robber! I’ve been robbed!” The baker shouted, waving her arms as she burst out of her shop.

Xiz was slower than he used to be, but oddly, he didn’t feel too tired caring around his extra baggage, as it were. He could hear the clanking of chain and plate mail as the guards pursued him, but he knew the city better than anyone. Slipping around a corner, he escaped the guards, and had a moment to catch his breath.

“What… what the seven hells came over me?” He murmured. He looked down at his body, his swollen gut filling most of his view. However, it was accompanied by something else… he felt strong. Looking at his arms, he flexed, and meaty muscle rose to fill out his sleeves. He patted his chest as it inflated with each breath, and he whistled low. “Well… this could come in handy…” he whispered, trying to look on the bright side of things. Then, his stomach growled again.

“Really?”

Twitching slightly from the sudden hunger pangs, he craned his neck until his nose picked up the scent of fresh fruit. He snatched an apple here, an Amnian pear there, but kept moving, though it took all his willpower to do so. There was a fish, next, then another bakery… were those fruit pies in the window? 

“No!” Xiz growled, smacking his cheek. The bracelet girded around his waist was still not feeling any tighter, but the rest of his clothes were. With each bite he grew larger, until he was practically spherical, his swollen, globe-like gut bouncing with each step. Still no taller than a dwarf, he was able to escape notice… even when his tunic split to make room for his belly, his greaves groaned to contain his augmented thighs, and his sleeves burst over powerful, bulging arms. 

“W-what’s wrong with me?” Xiz hissed, a sense of urgency slipping into his voice. Maybe it wasn’t his best idea, robbing a wizard… then his nostrils filled with a dozen different, tantalizing smells. Fried meats, fresh bread, sugary sweets, bubbling stews and soups… he was back at the market, and it was festival season. His stomach roared like a lion.

“Oh, no…”

Half his motions felt like they weren’t his own as he lumbered as fast as he could towards the market. He grabbed a fistful of candied fruit and a hunk of ham, dates from Chult and fried fish from Cormyr, guzzling it down with a Neverwinter wine. And with each bite, he grew larger still. He couldn’t hide his actions for much longer as his tattered clothes fluttered to the ground, his plump, jiggling ass wobbling with each step as either cheek ate at his tail, rolls of fat cascading down his wide, surprisingly strong back. His vast, cauldron sized gut wobbled as thighs thick as ship masts churned against it, broad shoulders bumping into more patrons as he soon took up most of the street, arms like battering rams carrying enough food to feed a small army. 

“Hey! Stop, thief!” a bold guard captain finally shouted. Xiz turned around, the blue behemoth caught with a leg of mutton halfway into his mouth.

“Uh… I can explain!”

“After him! You’re under arrest!”

Xiz gripped the remains of his feast tightly in his huge arms, breaking into a stampede-like charge as he shoved his way through the crowd. His belly and vast body slammed into people like an invading army, scattering them as he finally made it to the narrower streets. The oversized kobold cursed all the gods he could think of as he felt either side of his engorged, bulging flanks pressing up against buildings. 

“How is he getting away?!” the guard captain shouted to his men. “I don’t care if you need to stuck him like a wild boar! Get him!”

“Gah!” Xiz huffed, still shoving food into his mouth. As he finished off a long chain of sausages, his body grew further still, his titanic middle sloshing against his knees, billowing out a yard or more in front of his field of view. Each ponderous footfall made the city tremor slightly, until he came to a halt- he was cornered by a high stone wall. A dead end.

“Follow the crumbs, you idiots! He can’t have gotten far!”

“Uh… uh…” Xiz looked around wildly, then looked at the stone wall. Gulping down his last pie, he flexed his arm, undefined, but powerful muscle rippled beneath, a bicep nearly as big as he had been this morning rising up. He pumped up his shield-sized pecs, rolled his mountainous shoulders, and charged at the stone wall, screwing his eyes shut and offering a frantic prayer to all the gods he had just insulted.

The stone exploded into dust from the impact, the kobold leaving a Xiz-sized hole in the wall- unfortunately, the rickety wooden floor couldn’t hold his weight. He barely had time to recognize his surroundings as a counting room, with strongboxes and stacks of coins scattered about, before the wooden planks groaned ominously and snapped. 

“Son…! Of…! A…! Bitch!” Xiz snarled, hitting one, two, three, four floors that gave way until he hit a solid stone floor with a tremendous whump. He groaned, but the oceans of lard and muscle he was encased in protected him from too much damage, aside from a broken pride. When the dust finally cleared, his jaw dropped, hitting multiple chins and his massive chest. All around him were mountains of gold coins and jewels, precious artifacts and crowns. He couldn’t believe it! This was the Vault of Lords! The most heavily guarded treasure room in all of Waterdeep, and he had just broken into it!

“But… now what?” Xiz muttered. The guards, no matter how dim, couldn’t ignore the huge holes he left behind. They’d be here, soon enough. And what would he do then? He looked down at his massive body, leaning back as his gut rose up like a mountain before him. He propped up his face with one bulging, powerful arm, and eyed the massive leg of mutton still in his hand. 

“Well…” Xiz tore out a chunk of meat, gulping it down and feeling himself get just a little bigger. “Let ‘em come. I’ll crush ‘em until they give up. Looks like the Vault of Lords has got a new owner…”