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Submit Your D&D Court Cases!! (Patreon)

Published:
2025-01-13 00:29:28
Imported:
2026-06

Content

Hey everyone! Bailiff Emily here. The Supreme Crit is convening ALL WEEK, with a smattering of delicious guest judges.

Please submit your brief (1-2 paragraphs plz!) case on this thread and we will bring you and your loved ones to justice.

Lowly Bailiff Jake will still be reading, so feel free to address him however you feel inspired to.

D&D is not about stealing girlfriends,
Emily

Comments

Zachary Mullins

D&D is not about stealing girlfriends merch when

Nate B

May it please the court and the bailiff I see sadly sitting alone on a bench outside the courthouse. I play in a game with my wife, sister, and a good friend from school. My sister is the DM. She’s an excellent DM, the setting is this cool steampunk 1800s London, and we all have a lot of fun when we play. However, one of our recent sessions ended with my character getting an encrypted note from one of his siblings. My sister said the note would need to be decrypted before we next played (we play about once a month). I of course procrastinated until the night before our next session and figured it would be a quick and easy solve, since at the end of the last session I had correctly guessed how the message was encrypted (a shift cypher). I was wrong, cut to me spending three hours in an excel file trying and failing to decrypt this message. When we started playing next I explained I couldn’t figure it out. My sister then explained the key to the cypher was the date my character opened his detective agency, a date I absolutely did not know. She further explained that it was supposed to be a group effort and we could’ve asked her questions. Something I felt was not communicated to us all properly. Justices, who was in the wrong here. I patiently await your judgment. PS. We quickly solved the puzzle together, once we had the key and have all moved on. There’s no hard feelings, and we are set to finish our campaign in a few sessions.

Storybored

To the slanderous charlatans impersonating our noble Judicial System, I’m in a group of 6 PCs playing an RP heavy campaign where we’re all conspiracy nuts attempting to unravel a grand arcane collusion that may or may not exist. Our roster has characters whose curiosity has overridden their rationality, characters who don't trust institutions due to having been failed by them, and Elphaba from the hit musical Wicked. I wasn’t sure how serious this player was about her PC concept, until session 0 when she opened with the “Okay let's get this over with, no I'm not seasick-” spiel, to raucous silence from the table. The player then asked “Elphaba has a British accent right?”. Justices, I’m like 90 percent sure she doesn’t. She proceeds to drop a pretty decent Queens English accent, and is never corrected. She later did some light brooding about being green, but when asked where on the DMs map she’d come from, she said the Rainforest because “it’s green”. What?? Am I to assume Elphaba utilizes her natural camouflage to skulk, mostly naked in the canopy of a rainforest, descending upon wild boar like an ambush predator? The funny thing is, after this initial session, she basically dropped the Elphaba characterization altogether to be a “one with nature” Elf Druid. Ive actually come to like this player’s character and role-play, and always forget it’s supposed to be Elphaba until I have to say her name. Justices, the problem seems to have resolved itself, but it is weird, right?

Amanda K.

May it please the court. My name is Amanda, I’m a college student in upstate New York, and I’ve been playing in a campaign with 3 other girls from school since September. My case is about some drama that took place in real life, and is bleeding into our game. Our party is pretty standard, I play a barbarian and two of my friends (let’s call them Apple and Banana) play a cleric and a wizard respectively. To keep things brief/anonymous, Banana got broken up with recently, and Apple said she saw our DM (who we can call Blueberry) making out with him at a party hosted by a mutual friend we all share, who we can call Pineapple. There’s no proof that this kiss took place, but both me and Banana trust that Apple isn’t lying. Our most recent session was tense, Blueberry didn’t know that we knew about the party. Nobody felt like roleplaying, and things almost came to a head when she was describing a busy tavern and Banana mumbled “sounds like pineapples house…” a little too loud. Justices, I’m not asking you to solve college hookup drama, but how do you deal with interpersonal conflict at the table? D&D is a social game, and I just don’t know if I can handle another passive aggressive session. Thanks, Amanda

Alien butt puppet

Dear sweet judges. And wittle bawif. I present the case of the Irish catholic Bard. My wife is a player in my campaign and plays a Bard who willing got turned into a vampire. Her very religious parents disowned her for it, the problem is, my wife insists that her parents are Irish catholic and worship Jesus. I have suggested they could be Pelor or Lethander worshipers but no. She absolutely will not back down. Even after I allowed her home town to be called Boston. Judges, do I relent to my sweet wife and her insane demand? Or do I stand my ground? I await your tender judgement.

CSmall

To the Supremest of Crits and the Bailiff that Prevents It From Falling into Chaos, I humbly present the case of the unlucky TRex. I was DMing a game of Curse of Strahd, and my players characters were of the mind they need to destroy Strahd's coffin before him to prevent vampire regeneration. In THE FIGHT with Strahd in Ravenloft at the end of the game, the druid of my party-- who was out of wildshapes for the day-- decided to polymorph themselves into a TRex. I think this is cool as hell, and we move on, after a minor "no, you don't get to turn yourself into a TRex AND attack on the same turn" discussion. On their next turn, the druid TRex made a bite attack against the coffin, which I had told players had a higher than usual coffin AC because it was the coffin of Strahd. They understood, and decided to attack it anyway. They rolled a natural 2, and even with a TRex's bonus were unable to meet the AC. Then the player asked if they could use their Lucky feat to reroll. I looked at the language of polymorph, and initial gut reaction was no. It specifies mental abilities and the target of polymorph are now those of the chosen beast--essentially being the beast themselves. My players argued that a feat isn't a mental ability. I argued that a the druid was not the druid anymore but a TRex, who doesn't have the lucky feat. I also thought it rad as heck that a player--who, for the first two and a half years asked what die to roll every time I called for a skill check, attack roll, or saving throw--wanted to use a feat they took and hadn't really used before. I ultimately decided to let Dice Christ decide. I said "Roll a d20. On a 15 or higher, you can use a luck point and reroll the bite attack." They rolled a 7. I narrated how the TRex leaned close to the burning coffin (because the party wizard was a little fireball crazy), but the heat caused it to turn away before it could do any meaningful damage. I now turn to the court: was I wrong to deny my player the ability to use their feat as a polymorphed TRex? Or was I, as I feel, generous to allow them the opportunity to be lucky and the dice simply didn't want to tell that story?

Ally

Dear noble justices on high and their part-time intern Douge. I have a dice Christ confession. My friends and I started our first campaign at 15. We all still play together 12 years later and have shared many wonderful memories at the table. However, one memory haunts me from when we were 15 and I experienced my first character death, needless to say, I was distraught and much to my shame I did not handle it well. My new character was called Sky and only wanted to quote "be an outlaw" which translated to him stealing openly, attacking anyone who disagreed with him at the drop of a hat, and even killing a saloon owner who wouldn't give him free beer. He was a true maniac, and I was the kind of player I wouldn't let within a mile of my table now. Sky was arrested and eventually executed by a sheriff. This was a fair and good in-world way for the DM to deal with my shithead character. Unfortunately, this was not the end of Sky as 15-year-old me made another character called Sky who was essentially the same person. This started a series of 5 Skys I played, each one more unhinged and unhelpful than the last. All died in a variety of very justified ways, the last two were even killed by the other PCs. After a talk with my DM, I saw the error of my ways and made a reasonable character who engaged with the world and campaign collaboratively but I still think of the Skys sometimes and feel nothing but shame and embarrassment. I hope one day to earn Dice Christ's forgiveness for the session after session I derailed with my series of edge lords

Mick

I come hurriedly to lay my sins at the step of the beloved Church of Dice Christ. There I was, 3 hours into a session full of nothing but rolls sub 8. My faith in good ol D.C wavering when my DM called for another roll. A 16. A COCKED 16. With tears in my eyes I confess that I, in fact, did NOT honor the cock. I claimed the 16 as my own with slight guilt in my heart. Dice Christ must have felt my wavering faith because after that 16 I rolled 3 Nat 20s back to back. The guilt I felt grew with each roll and I decided to banish that Dice because I did not deserve those Nat 20s. Dice Christ may not have punished me for my sins but I beg of the Church to punish me instead. I await your just judgement.

Mike C.

To the illustrious justices, but especially Justice Murphy, who I am afraid will once again turn against me when he hears my update to a previous case: I bring an update to the “permissive Anchorman DM” case from a while back. To answer a question, we played this game in college when we were freshmen in 2009. But that is not the only update I bring: we got together again this Christmas for a reunion and we played another Anchoman one-shot: same characters, same DM. The only difference: I walked to the DM before the one-shot and gave him Justice Murphy’s advice - kill a PC early, and keep them dead, don’t let them just kip up because they don’t feel like rolling a new character.  This happened almost exactly like it did in college, our rogue Brian Fantana was killed by an Owlbear, and the DM narrated how we - his friends and fellow news anchors - watched as his soul left his body forever. At first this was met with silence from the table, and then uproarious laughter as all of our characters had to immediately begin to grieve and process Brian Fantana’s death. That player rolled a new news anchor (Champion Fighter Veronica Corningstone) and we finished the rest of the one shot and had a great time reconnecting. I thank the court for their recommendations, and once again beg Justice Murphy’s forgiveness for making him hear about Anchorman.

Darkrisky

To the incredibly badass judges and the plain bad bailiff Jared, I give you the case of the patron-less daddy killer. There’s a lot to this case so I will keep it as brief as possible. I played a sea elf fathomless warlock of a noble background with a surfer/stoner vibe and a distrust of authority. She’s at a school to get away from her overprotective parents who sent her there with a necklace of sending. (I have explicitly said to my DM I am excited to play this class and that I did not want an evil patron.) During their adventures, my character was given a flute by an evil entity. Not wanting the responsibility, she destroyed it. As she did, her patron began to scream into her head something about freedom and “destroying all the sea elves”. Concerned, my character decides to use her necklace of sending to call her dad to ask if he knows anything about her patron. When she contacts her dad in a FaceTime-y way, her dad screams at her that she has doomed her whole city by destroying this flute. Turns out that destroying the flute resulted in her patron being released from the plane her city elders were keeping it. A tentacle then rose from the water and skewered her father. (Keep in mind my character saw all this in a “Facetime”.) My character ran to the headmaster of the school to get help and he opened a portal to her home city which was being destroyed by my character’s patron. Suddenly, my patron got sucked into the sky without any explanation. My DM then turns to me and says I’ve lost all my warlock levels and had to choose a new class! He stood there smiling at me waiting for my answer. He was surprised when I said my character killed herself and then I quit the campaign. He quit DMing this campaign after this because he “got bored”. So I ask this of you judges, was I wrong to be miffed and should have waited to see where the cool storyline he supposedly had planned went or did I have every right to be upset? I await your humble ruling. PS sorry if this confusing. I had to condense a lot.

CanibalisticPenny

if it's so pleases the beautiful justices and the ugly ugly ugly no good bailiff, My dm is mean

Ally

To the noble justices and the common bailiff. I bring an update on the case of the broken home. We did move the campaign to my flat which helped reduce the tension. However the court was 100% correct that the watching roommate wanted to play. A situation occured where half the players were not able to make our next session so I proposed a one-shot connected to our campaign. Word of this reached the voyeur player who asked to play, like a fool I agreed. He made a character with no desire to accept the call to adventure, only going along when another party member asked him to. Even then only agreeing after insisting the PC roll persuasion on his character. His bard barely spoke, instead he spent most the session reading his spells quietly and jumping at any opportunity for combat. The experience made me beyond grateful that I took the court's advice to move the campaign to mine before this quiet bard could infiltrate a three year long campaign I poured my heart and soul into.

Shel B Kennas 1st fav sprite girl! celebrating turning 32 by seeing D20 at MSG dressing up as Sofie Lee!

Hello Jolly Justices and Bailiff Flake Burrwitz. I humbly bring to you part confession, part case: Looking a gifted metal dice christ in the mouth. During secret santa this year, I was gifted a GORGEOUS set of dice. They're so lovely and detailed and.... metal. (Justice Axford knows what I mean). I Hate Metal dice, they feel ugly and wrong in my hands, and with how I roll my dice it would be akin to beyblading and it's frankly a safety risk. I planned to keep them in my office as decor. Cut to my works D&D group i play in, and i noticed one of my fellow players looking excitedly at my dice I brought and then looking a little bummed. At one point they also mentioned "Everyone should have their character coded dice... well almost, everyone" and looked away from me. I realized in this moment my dice were character color references. Shit. I brought them the next time for set dressing, but my fellow player REALLY wanted us all to roll our character dice in crucial moments, and another coworker mentioned "He did buy those specificially for you." But... I don't want to. Again, I hate metal dice (they're REALLY heavy and dented my dice box the 1 time i rolled this set). But it’s apparent there’s pressure to just (pardon the pun) roll with it. Am I besmirching a gift in the eyes of Dice Christ and being rude by not wanting to roll them? Or am I being forcibly converted to the metal chapter of the religion against my will? My phone has zero bars

Ashen

To the honorable justices and I guess also Murph’s DMPC “Jaek.” I present to you the case of the Difficult Druid and the Bleeding Bard. My partner and I have been in a campaign for over three years with four level 8 PCs: a wizard, a monk, a druid, and me, a bard. I should say up top that we are all great friends and there is no bad blood here. Anyway, our dragonborn druid refuses to wild shape, and instead hangs back to use her acid breath or the spell Wind Wall in every situation. ONLY Wind Wall, every time. Of course, the wizard stays out of melee range and the monk moves out of range each turn, leaving me, the bard, as the easy target. To encourage the druid to wild shape, the DM created a home-brew ability for her to wild shape into a young dragon, which the druid has only used once since getting it two years ago. As the only PC up in the mix, I get absolutely rocked. The wizard sometimes takes hits so I don’t have to, and the monk has stopped using evasion. To add insult to injury, we all watched the DND movie together and when the druid in the movie wild shaped, our druid said, “that’s so cool, I wish we had someone in our party who can do that,” to which I responded, “you can turn into a fucking bear.” I prostrate myself before the court and ask if we should get over our tank not tanking or if we should trap our tank in a wild shape a la Tobias from Animorphs. P.S. don’t play, hate the show

Waddle Bawddle

Dear oh great justices and the lowly ‘lil baby bailiff Jake. I bring to you the case of the Bag of Tricks - Carnival Edition! I DM for a group of 5 and there is one player who has been begging for a Bag of Tricks since before we even started the campaign. Since we started at level 1 I told him he would have to be patient, but every session (and often times almost anytime we hung out aside from DnD) he would ask when he was getting his Bag of Tricks. So, justices, I decided to throw him a bone while the party was visiting a Feywild Carnival. Through a multitude of games, the player in question finally won the Bag of Tricks. He was elated, arms up in the air in victory for a split second. Then I said, “Carnival Edition”. This player, and two others said “What the fuck”. I explained the bag can pull out carnival themed animals such as rabbits, doves, and even mini jesters. To which, I was given “You’re an asshole”. (In an only sorta joking way). Justices! I ask, am I really an asshole for getting my players hopes up only to dash them a second later? Or should some players relax and be patient for powerful magic items? Note: they were at level 5 at the time. I will accept whatever judgement you deem necessary, oh mighty ones.

JesterTheCleric

To the Deacons of Dice Christ I come before you with a humble confession of the first and only time I have lied about a roll as a player. I was in my second game as a player (I had DMed for a couple years before that, and had fudged rolls sometimes so as to not tpk my players, you know how it is). I was playing a human gunslinger named Matthew Beren, the previous Captain of the Hupperdook Specters, a force of sharpshooter rifleists in the army. He went on a few adventures and during one, we fought a gang of were-creatures, one of whom was a werebear. The werebear bit Matt, and I had to roll to avoid contracting lycanthropy. Deacons, I desperately wanted to be a bear with a gun. I rolled high, over a 17, but I lied and said I rolled low, like a 3 or a 4, just low enough to still fail the save with my high constitution. Matt became a werebear (modified slightly to not give me so many resistances in bear form which were over powered), and had the campaign continued, would have needed to do a whole character arc to learn to control my werebear form. Alas, that did not happen, as the campaign fizzled due to scheduling conflicts. I loved playing my bear with a gun, but I know it was undeserved. I present myself to you, Deacons of Dice Christ, to purge me of my sin.

Fabrizio Moreno

Dear high judges and Jason from accounting, I present you the case of "the Jawa Incident" Some years ago, we began playing Star Wars ttrpg with some friends; we were all new, but I became the GM because it was my idea to play. In our first session, the wookie ranger found a couple of jawas in the backroom of her store, and here is when things started to go south. Because of some anxiety, the tense moment and some wild Wild Rolls (nat1 and nat2 intimidation and nat19 and nat20 on attacks), all the jawas died in two rounds and here I panicked. This wasn't a fight encounter; they were the ones to give them their first mission, and I didn't know what to do, so when the half-human soldier got a Nat20 investigation (WILDS ROLLS), I told them everything. The jawas were a married couple that escaped an illegal slave ring, leaving their kids behind, and were looking for some people to help them. In the end, the players saved the slaves and destroyed the bad guys, but the party was traumatized, especially the ranger and to this day, the "jawa incident" is part of an obscure part of our real lives. So I ask: Could I've done something different? Or was I correct in respecting the rolls?

Andrew Fournier

To the most esteemed council of Dice Christ, I lay myself at your feet in the pursuit of forgiveness. A few years ago I was in the tournament arc of our dnd campaign, and I was playing a wild-magic barbarian, battle master fighter multiclass. Our DM said that the breaks in between each round would count as a short rest, so as we were using D&D Beyond, I would press the short rest button between rounds. After 4 rounds of using my battle master maneuvers and rages, my DM asked if I had been regaining my superiority dice and rages between rounds as he didn’t mean “Short Rest” he meant we could roll hit dice, not a full short rest. I then panicked and lied and said I was not and was down to my last dice and rage so as not to get in trouble. So I ask for forgiveness for misinterpreting my DMs use of “Short Rest” and accidentally breaking the rules

Wren Koziel

May it please the esteemed justices and equally esteemed baliff (I don’t understand why everyone is so mean to Jake, #JusticeforBaliffJake) I present the case of the Block Blast Battle. I am currently playing in a campaign with 3 of my friends, and it was been really fun overall! I haven’t gotten to play in a while, so it’s been great to get back into the game. I’m playing a Druid who does “pollen” damage similar to how Moonshine did her spore damage, and we’ve been having a great time. The issue comes in once we get into combat. One of my fellow players (who I love like a sister, so Justice Murphy please don’t say I need better friends) has a tendency to start playing Block Blast on her iPad when it’s not her turn in initiative. I love getting to comment and talk about people’s actions, and roleplay through the combat, and when one player is checked out, it kind of ruins that. (Not to mention, I have ADHD and it’s just flat out distracting) I’ve talked to her and asked if she could stop because I feel like it takes away from the moment, but she just says “but it’s not my turn, I pay attending when I’m going.” What should I do? Am I overreacting and should just let my fellow player be? I leave this case in your capable hands. Sincerely, Wren The Distracted Druid (They/Them)

Ally

Dice Christ I fear I have strayed into the lands of goof and away from the road of rationality. My crime, my sin, the red in the ledger of my DMing life is called Bodega Simulator. After wrapping our first multi year campaign the group I DM for we decided for the next campaign we wanted to play through the character's backstories before they set out on their adventures at level 1 in 5e. To do this we've been playing in the rules light system kids on bikes. The intention was to see the highs and lows of these characters growing up in a small spooky town together. However due to the fantasy band Copperback needing an opening act, a great roll for a signing bonus after the gig, and a lucky gambling streak at an underground boxing match, the party have pooled all their funds and bought the 'fantasy' bodega across from their school. Everything has become about the bodega. They finish school and go straight to the bodega, they employed their school friends at the bodega, they host gigs at the bodega, if they find out a clue about a monster or mystery they regroup at the bodega. There's even a Excel sheet for the bodega's finances. We've hombrewed more rules for the bodega's mechanics than there are in entirety of kids on bikes. The party now refer to the game as bodega simulator. I fear my desire to follow the fun the party is having with this will negatively affect the characters they had been developing. The necromancer witch, dumpster thief, silver tongued guitarist, and bear knuckle boxer have all taken a wild left turn into bodega owners/employees.

yumehop (no. 1 ol' cobb fan)

Dear justices and jakey <3 Is it ethical to try to "sneak" game sessions in? In my dnd groups, I've become notorious as the person who asks people sporadically "hey what are you doing tonight/this weekend, etc?" And sort of over time, Ive gathered enough information about every person's schedule that I can target my questions to when I *think* the GM and everyone else is free. Then I will ask if they want to run a game session- usually yes. I've gotten perhaps double to nearly triple the amount of games by this technique, but tell me. Is it bad to semi stalk your friends to force them to all hang out together?

casey eats pizza

May it please the incredible judges and the bailiff who I guess this is the best she can do. I bring forth the case of the Tabaxi and the tadpole. I DM for a party who were just hired by mindflayer hating dwarves to hunt down the last remaining mindflayer in the city. The party found him mind controlling a druid to resurrect dead mindflayer tadpoles and then teleporting them away to infect more people. After the fight was mostly over, the tabaxi, a hexblade warlock with a pact with a death goddess, then ate one of the tadpoles and then jumped into a portal, he had also just been infected with lycanthropy but we hadn't got to that yet. When asked why he did that his only answer was “Because I’m a cat”. I then ruled that he was out of the battle and then continued the fight. Afterwards he asked me what happened to his character, to which I said that I would need to think about it because I was not sure how to move forward. I asked to roll a new character while we figure it out and the party tries to reach him, but he said no and that I should create another adventure for his tabaxi. I said that I needed time to figure out the ramifications of his actions to which he told me that I should have known that before introducing the mind flayers. He still refuses to make a side character while I try to figure out a tabaxi, werewolf, mindflayer, warlock combo. Judges, am I wrong for being caught off guard or should I have expected these feline antics beforehand?

Andy Horton

To the Honorable Supreme Crit Justices, and Bailiff Worm-ily Dirt-ford Should it please the crit, I present to you the tale of a well-meaning barbarian with a heart of gold but hands of doom. On our party’s maiden voyage into the vast, uncharted realms of adventure, the barbarian, spotting a humble dog, sought to bridge the gap between beast and adventurer with a kind gesture: a simple pet. Alas, fate (or a nat 1) had other plans. Instead of the tender caress this creature deserved, upon rolling a crit failure the dm narrated that the barbarian “delivered a resounding slap that echoed through the forest and brought shame to generations of our ancestors. I ask, how does one redeem themselves when their very first act as a hero is to unintentionally insult man’s best friend? Is it the DMs fault? We all felt really bad, and I could tell even our DM felt guilty having made our friend smack a pooch.

Jack Dawson

To the honorable justices and the mid-tier bailiff Jake I bring before you the case of player verus basic personal hygiene. In a game I DM I have a player who refuses to meet basic personal hygiene requirements he claims to shower regularly though admits he doesn't own any form of deodorant. It was gotten to the point several other players have refused to host (we play different games on different days of week and share the task of hosting) or give him lifts due to the smell. Since we eat during the game it the issue of certain players feeling too nausea to eat around him has arisen. Myself and other members of group have spoke to him several times over past 6 years of play and he improves temporarily then the smell returns. He has recently been given another chance to improve his hygiene again, if he starts regularly smelling again do the judges think it is fair to remove him from the group. I humbly await your judgement. P.S due to covid we played online for over 2 years and the hygiene was both a pre and post covid issue

Charlotte

To the beautiful, stunning, illustrious justices and I guess the bailiff too, I bring to you the cause of the Cat Boys vs the Stinky Ponies. I was playing in a long-running campaign with my close friends, and our party entered a tavern full of rich Tabaxi lords. They insulted our party and told us we should sleep in the stable with the horses because we were uneducated and dirty, and our barbarian decided to fight them. My Druid had recently gotten the summon animals spell, and I used it to summon 8 pixies (in a move inspired by Erika Ishii on Dimension 20’s The Seven). All 8 pixies used their turns to cast polymorph on the cat boys and turn them into stinky ponies. This was made funnier by the fact that my friends are convinced I am a horse girl despite the fact that I am allergic to horses. I suggested that my party leave the tabxi as ponies to teach them a lesson. Instead, my party continued to attack, so all my spell did was give the cat boys extra hit points and a better hoof attack, and they nearly killed the barbarian. We all thought this was hilarious, but the barbarian razzed me about his near death at the hands of the powerful ponies. I ask the justices: Was I wrong to use this perhaps overpowered spell for such a silly reason, or should my party have followed my lead in teaching the cat boys a stinky lesson? I ask this question because the barbarian is my very dear friend, and I would love the opportunity to raz him back.

Rebecca N

Dice Christ's Chosen, I seek forgiveness on the behalf of my DM. Our group has been playing through a Pathfinder module to learn the system, and we ran into an encounter with a demon guard, who reluctantly tried to arrest us. We closed the door on him and tried to run away, which lead to a combat encounter. On one of his attacks, he crit on my Tripkee (Frog folk) Fighter, and immediately brought her from full health to Dying 2. Here the DM began to sweat, and he said the demon picked up my PC, and dragged her away a bit before dropping her and walking back to his "office", muttering about needing to do paperwork first that would probably take him long enough to complete that someone could help me. Here's where the transgression lies: The DM ended initiative after I was dropped, and while other PCs made some attempts to end the conditions on my character that would knock her back down if she was healed, they ultimately failed. I attempted to roll to recover from these conditions, and rolled a 1. Suddenly, the DM decided to have us reroll initiative (a pro-Murph move), but he ended up ignoring my failed roll. I rolled lowest in initiative, my character survived, but we all know she should be dead. The DM very specifically said he didn't want to kill my character, but I feel awful because other PCs have died in this module. While I appreciate the DM's mercy, I know he has sinned to spare me. Please forgive us for these transgressions

Hannah

Dear Court of Cuties and Jake (welcome to NADDPOD, super excited you're guesting this week) I write to you a case of betrayal and confusion. First, I must say that my DM is most likely listening to this, so... hello Hunter. My D&D group found ourselves in quite the predicament the other day. Our intrepid heroes were stuck in an arcane lab in the astral plane, with a collection of artifacts, a mysterious orb (seemingly holding an NPC ally prisoner), and half a dozen mindflayers. We are a party of 3 level 11 characters, so while this was a a little spooky, it was entirely feasible. HOWEVER! We were absolutely sucking. My low INT monk kept failing intelligence saves and getting stunned (DM kept saying it was payback for stunning and womping his BBEG) and the other two players kept failing DEX saves and getting grappled by the mindflayers' nasty tenticles and getting their minds slurped. In a rare moment of not being stunned, my astral monk ran towards to orb and punched it a bunch, hoping to free the level 20 wizard NPC, an ally throughout our 3-year campaign. He emerged from his prison naked and angry. He was glad that we freed him and was happy to see us, but his rage at his imprisonment obviously outweighed his affection for us as he cast a 9th level shower of meteors on the entire room. Needless to say, we all died. Our DM was quite pleased with himself and when questioned about what he had done, he said "the wizard was mad." Luckily, the wizard revivified us all after our unfortunate and unpredictable demise. However, I can't help but feel miffed. We had only been in combat for 4 rounds (2 of which I had been stunned), and all of the cool arcane artifacts around the room were reduced to ash. Justices and Guest Jake, am I wrong for being miffed? Or was this a super janky move?

Wren Koziel

Esteemed members of the Supreme Crit (yes that includes Baliff Jake), I bring to you not a case, but an ask for advice to avoid appearing on trial in the future. I am about to begin my first campaign as a DM, I’ve played DND but never DMed. I am going to be running a game for my two siblings so we can stay connected (my sister is in college in Chicago, I’m starting college next year (hopefully in LA 🤞🤞for Chapman!!), and my brother is starting high school next year). How do I make sure I am a good DM for them? I really enjoy world building and writing the story and all that, but I am worried that I am going to get too stuck in my story and struggle to improv and adjust with them. I’m an actor and I’ve got some improv training, so hopefully that will help, but I’m still worried I will accidentally railroad them or push them in directions they don’t want, just because it’s what my story says. I leave my fate in your hands. Sincerely, Wren The anxious DM (They/Them)

Cory Harbak

To the honorably steamy justices and I thought there was another guy but I don't see him. I present unto you: the case of the insane one-shot canon. I played for a few months with a casual group over Discord when I started playing D&D. Everything went awesome and besides a few weak player decisions on my part, the DMs (plural) ran some really exciting one-shots! We even defeated Krampus and saved Christmas (you're welcome). The problem? Both of the rotating DMs agreed on one thing: nothing was canon except deaths. None of us actually died, but if we had, we would have needed to roll a new character even though everything down to the cause of death wasn't canon. I have since become a DM myself, and so I get wanting to keep a lid on things, but isn't "nothing is canon except deaths" a wild thing to claim? If I had died saving Christmas (you're welcome), you'd good and goddamn better believe I want that on the tombstone of my weak himbo dragonborn bard. Otherwise, let him join the next quest! Am I being ridiculous? Yours truly, Cory.

Taylor

To the most Honorable Justices and that guy I think is only important in Boston. I present the case of the Urgent Sending Spell. I am currently playing a Life Cleric in a Curse of Strahd campaign. I will avoid spoilers as much as I can for anyone who might be planning to play. My party is in a town and we got word that a woman we've befriended has been kidnapped by the head of the town's guard and been brought back to the mayor's home where he resides. We have to figure out how to get into the home and get her out without just rushing in because we are already at odds with the mayor. I decide because we have befriended the mayor's son and he's expressed the want for the head guard to be killed due to his cruelty, that I would get him to let us in. So at the start of the day I cast Sending to message him in his mind that we need his help, it will involve taking care of the guard he hates and to meet us at the church. Once I send that the DM says you wait two hours and nothing happens. He has me roll an insight check and tells me "you feel maybe your message wasn't urgent enough to convey he needed to come right this moment." I just stare at the DM and say "I think someone using magic to directly send a message into your mind shows quite an accurate amount of urgency." and the DM responds "not to an absent minded wizard who mostly spends time in his room." We are only lvl 5 so I have two third level spells slots a day....but I use my second to send "GET HERE NOW!" Fast forward and because our wizard cast mage armor "loudly" my negotiations turned into an all out fight. Int his fight our Barbarian's head was "smashed in" We won, but because I had to use both 3rd level spells just to get the son to us to have a way into the home, I now couldn't Revivify (I had the components) our party member. I ask for your judgement, am I wrong for thinking the first message was enough to have someone come see what is going on right away? Or was my DM correct in basically tricking me to waste my final highest spell slot right before we got into a fight that he even deemed "the boss fight of this arc"?

feoran97

To the Ultimate Supreme Crit Justices and the lowely Bailiff Tina, I bring the case of the one shot catapult. I am a long term player and DM (over 5 years) and I'm playing with a new DM and two new players (I'm a player in this campaign). The DM asks me regularly for advice, as he is new to the game and I have more experience. One of the new players (Banjo the tree frog wizard) was attempting to make ammo for the catapult spell by having the artificer make essentially shrapnel rounds that would burst into 6 projectiles upon impact. The problem was, he was trying to calculate the damage as 3D8 for each piece. This would make the damage 18D8 for a first level spell, and up to 66D8 damage for a 9th level spell. I argued that it would not splinter and split that damage, to which he brought up ballistic rounds for a firearm. I argued that the catapult spell propels something 90 ft in 6 seconds, or about 10 miles per hour, which wouldn't be fast enough to do the same kind of damage. His argument was that I was crushing his creativity and couldn't compete with my damage so was feeling left out in combat (I am a lvl 3 rogue and level 7 gunslinger inspired by deadeye). Am I wrong to get involved and save my new DM from setting a precedent that this was OK, or should I have just stayed out of it and let Banjo have his nuke? I humbly await your almighty wisdom and judgment.

DuckerQuackson

To the esteemed justices of the crit—and, begrudgingly, Beef Jerky— I present the case of Dr. Danger and Mr. Sense I was playing in a one-shot set in the aftermath of a battle we lost in our main campaign, where a ragtag group of new characters was tasked with cleaning up the mess left by our regular heroes. Enter Edgar Mules, my level 3 artificer alchemist/level 2 barbarian tortle. Edgar’s shtick is his spell slots are made into elixirs, and his barbarian rage was reimagined as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-style transformation, turning him from a timid little nerd into a battle-thirsty confident jock. During an intense battle to decide the fate of an entire district in our campaign world, I had Edgar retreat into his shell using Shell Defense. This tortle ability boosted his AC at the cost of mobility and imposing disadvantage on Dexterity saving throws among other things. But as a barbarian, Edgar had Danger Sense, granting advantage on those same Dexterity saving throws against spells effects you can see. Things came to a head when the DMPC lobbed a Fireball into the fray, aiming to turn the tide of the battle—or, in Edgar’s case, roast a tortle as he was also caught in the fray. I was given disadvantage on the save and yet I can't help but wonder: should Edgar have had a fighting chance to dodge his doom with Danger Sense, or was his shell always fated to be his fiery coffin? I leave it to you, honorable justices—and Jerky—to decide if Edgars fate was a tort-ally fair call, or did my dm just crack under the heat.

CommonCatepillat

To the Golden Gods of the highest council, thy kingdom come, thy crits be done, and (50/50 chance here so I'll say) Amir. I come to you with a cold case from my youth. At age 13, I asked to be in my brother in law's tabletop game with two other (adult) players. It was a magitech setting where our characters were recruited to be apart of a magical syndacit of people who stop evil. My character, Snap Clackers, was a Nature powered monkey who gained his abilities and sentience after being captured and experimented on. Me and the other players got along and played well off of each other and it was shaping up to be a fun campaign. At the end of one of our sessions, the DM (Brother in law) announced excitedly that there would be a guest who would play a villain next session which excited the rest of the table as well. However, me being 13 and getting shit grades on my report card, I was grounded that week and couldn't go to the session. The next session I was filled in by the DM what happened. Apparently, the guest played an evil spider queen who womped the party and demanded they bring her 100 slaves for her to do with as she pleased and they agreed. My character, who was present while I the player was not, was made to agree with them. You can see how this would be of big conflict to who my character was and, being new to roleplay, I simply played him dispondant and angry for the rest of the session, going against what the party was trying to do that session. The campaign shortly fizzled out due to other factors outside of anyone's control. Judges, should I have been more malleable with my marcupuals morals or was I right to lash out at my party for their decision? (PS. The spider queen session was the 4th session) (PPS. The guest who played the spider queen was my 23 year old sibling. The one who was married to my brother in-law)

Jake the Snake

Merrily new year to the puissant and concupiscent Judges of the Supreme Crit. May your pets be healthy, gardens be green, and spills be minimal... Heartfelt wishes that you have replaced that forth guy at this point. Lou would be pretty swell. I have the case of the shattered PC moment. I was an relatively unexperianced DM for a group of friends, Late stage, level 15 or so, the Arc for the barbarian was finishing out. He was fighting his clan leader (whom killed his mother) in a mountain top crypt. I homebrewed a stat block for a character that would perfectly match the strength of the Barbarian, making this come down to the role of the dice. Our barbarian using danger sense, noticed a trip wire and tripped it anyway for an intimidating role play scene. This was accompanied by the waves of goons that needed the other PCs to fight to keep outside of the crypt. The issue being our very much so min-maxed Cleric. The Cleric may not have picked up on these cues (let the Barbarian come full circle and fight one on one) and was feeling helpful. He cast shatter on the door that was locked from the tripwire. I, admittedly, fumbled the next ruling: Shatter does not succeed, the door has too much HP. The Cleric (using tempest domain) rebutted then I will upcast it and channel divinity for max damage. This led to an hour long argument about Shatter and Door HP. The Cleric even mentioned he was going to banish the Clan leader to limit the fronts to fight on. Our Barbarian intervene and dejectedly told me "just let the shatter break the door." I ran out of arguments and discovered he was correct rules as written. I frustatedly said, I will not allow you to cast shatter on the door, which got him to mockingly say "because I said so..." It felt as though no one was happy. We are still great friends years after the conclusion of the campaign but this was a very shakey moment in my early DM years, so I ask: Should I have accepted my poor planning and rules as written or was I correct for standing up for my Barbarian and giving him this moment. PS In hindsight, I should have just also collapsed the doorframe.

yourdailymeg

To the Honorable Justices and the savant baby bailiff, Jake, I present the case of the piss-fueled character arc assassination. A few years ago, I joined a campaign right as the party was about to take on a marauding goblin clan. The DM gave me the necessary context and said the party could use a rogue for the upcoming dungeon crawl. So, I rolled up a rogue that had personal beef with the goblin clan—they had burned her village down, original, I know—giving me a solid in game reason to join the party. I met up with the party, they hired me to assist with scouting and traps, and we were off to the races. After a few sessions of making our way through the maze of tunnels beneath the goblin keep, it came time to schedule our session for the big battle with the goblin boss and his cronies. This was pre-Covid, so we played in person and that’s where we hit a snag. The holidays were approaching and schedules were hectic, which made finding a day that worked for everyone nearly impossible. I suggested the gang run a one-shot for the next session while I was out of town and then we could pick up the regular campaign again later. We had done this before for other players with scheduling conflicts and the one-shots were always good fun. Everyone agreed, I went home for Christmas, and thought nothing more about it. Cut to our next game. We picked up where we had left off—which was after defeating the goblin boss. They had played the regular campaign while I was gone, without telling me about the change of plans. When I asked what my character had done during the battle, the DM said that she’d “gotten so scared, she had ditched the party, hidden in a broom cupboard, and pissed herself.” It was played off for laughs and while I’m all for goofs and silly character moments, I think the character in question should at least be at the table when said goofs happen. You can’t piss my pants for me, you know? Not only did I feel like the butt of the joke, but it felt like my character agency had been stripped from me and my investment in the story had been thrown out for a cheap bit. I had explicitly built and role-played a character whose entire reason for joining the party was to stick it to the goblins who had burned down her home. I didn’t need to be the main character of the arc, but to at least be present for the conclusion of it would have been nice. I stopped playing with this group shortly after (for a mix of reasons), but Justices, was my character robbed of her vengeance and wrongfully branded a piss-baby coward or is the DM within his rights to make a character piss themselves when their player is absent?

Scarlett B

To the most honoured and venerable justices of the Supreme Crit, and the Baliff who reminds me of a sewer; necessary but deeply unpleasant. I bring you the case of Otiluke's Resilient Death Trap. Our party was helping a princess escape from political instability in her kingdom, and as we made our way into a neighbouring territory, we were beset by assassins. I used a spell scroll to cast Otiluke's Resilient Sphere on the princess so she would be safe from spells and arrows. The DM said "OK, she can hold her breath in there for 1 minute before she starts to suffocate." I was confused, because the spell says "Nothing [...] can pass through the barrier, in or out, though a creature in the sphere can breathe there." which I took to mean that the creature could breathe normally. The DM argued that it meant the nothing, including air, could enter the sphere, so the creature could only breathe the air that was there when the sphere appeared. I respectfully told him that he was full of shit, and the session moved on. Tell me Justices, was I right? Or do I deserve to be trapped in a bubble without oxygen. I humbly await your verdict.

Jay S

Honorable Judges and High Priests I would like to confess to Dice Christ. I just ran a session today, and during combat the beefy boy in the bandit group was brought down to 2 HP by our party's fighter. I told him he was looking Fucked Up, but still alive. Then, he remembered he did an extra D6 of damage! Everyone got excited, but lo and behold he rolled a 1. I immediately took a dramatic pause to pronounce he only had 1 HP left, scratching out the 2 I wrote down in my notebook (yes I use pen and paper, don't @ me). Holy Priests, the High Baliff Emily (OH AND THE INTERN JOSH), I leave myself at the mercy of Dice Christ, although I will say I only kind of feel bad as the kill was pretty dope.

yourdailymeg

(Also, hope y’all are well and safe and the critters are, too)

Samson

I must make a confession before Dice Christ that I have held in for too long. About two years ago, one of the players in my old group volunteered to DM a campaign. He showed us some of his notes and the map he made, each country having a rich history and culture. We, being the sinful, out-of-control players we were, decided that our entire party would be composed of former WWE-style wrestlers who lost their wrestling gigs and decided to take on odd jobs as adventurers. Soon after, the serious campaign that our DM crafted, descended into absurdist, slapstick humor in which we wiped out some kobold raiders and proceeded to grift from a poor farming village with staged wrestling matches and tomfoolery. Our DM never complained about our appropriation of his world, but I had the feeling that he was disappointed that he wasn't able to tell his story. As fun as that campaign was, I still feel bad a year later that we took our friend's dream and stuffed it with tights and luchador masks, and I wish to repent. I ask the court, in all it's divine wisdom, to enlighten us about what punishment we deserve for trampling on our friend's vision. I humbly await your divine decree.

Jack Malizia

Hello Bailiff, and you Justices who I hope are not bootlickers, as a DM I have a question. Is it okay if I steal my players NPC girlfriends with other NPC’s? I had a plan to create a villian of an NPC with some relationship drama, but I recently heard that D&D is not about stealing girlfriends? I don’t wanna break the rules.

Austin

To the splendiferous Judges both old and new and the High Baliff Emily ! I present the case of the uncontestable check. Playing a game with a couple friends and a DM we had found online that we didn't know. Our party took a job from a shady fellow to get a valuable item from the back room of a casino. My plasmoid, circle of stars druid eventually got to the back rooms alone and found the item we needed. But I was attacked by the same shady fellow we had taken the job from. I got hit with a bunch of damage from a throwing knife so I retreated with the item and Misty stepped under the door back to my friends. As the DM allowed me to do this he rolled a Sleight of Hand check at the same time and got a Nat 20, he exclaimed that I Misty Step and appear by my friends but the item I had was gone. I didn't know how he was able to take it in the first place being at a distance when he attacked, but I said since I had it directly in my hands that it should have been a contested roll. I would also have to roll a Nat 20 but the DM didn't let me try. Later on in the session, (because we roll digital dice on Roll20) I could see the Sleight of Hand modifier for the shady fellow was a +20. I was a level 6 character so I had no chance of beating it regardless. Was I roped into an unwinnable situation facing a +20 Sleight of Hand or was Dice Christ against me by giving the DM a Nat 20 anyways?

Alex Goveo

To the benevolent Justices and that guy who lives in the trash can, I think his name is John, I present to you the case of the sleeping dwarf. I was in my very first campaign playing as a dwarven paladin. In one of our sessions, we were in a dungeon crawl and the warlock in our party had found a potion. She drank some and it had healed her. Our DM had told us there was enough for someone else to drink as well and since I needed some health, I took a drink. However, when I drank it, I ended up falling unconscious. My party tried to wake my character up using several checks, spells and potions but my DM said there was no way. The session ended with me being unconscious. At our next session, I was still out as my party continued to fight monsters, find treasure, and trek through the dungeon. I thought I might get a dream sequence or some sort of vision for the session, but no, I literally did not get to do a single thing the entire session! Not only that, this entire dungeon lasted another 2 sessions, which meant that I had 3 sessions where I did not get to do a single thing the entire time. I would argue with my DM that this mechanic doesn’t make sense and I would try and ask if there was anything I could do to come out of consciousness, but he always just said that was his ruling. I almost pulled a Murph and thought about just quitting and getting a new group, but my character was finally awake after we escaped the dungeon. Justices, was my DM wrong for putting my character to sleep for 3 sessions with nothing to do, or am I overreacting. I humbly await your judgment. PS: My DM is a good friend of mine and this seemed like an isolated incident as the rest of the campaign was really fun.

Faye the Fae

To the lovely justice Axford and friends, I bring you the case of The Rejected PC In one of my first d&d groups, I was in a party of 3 including myself. My pc was getting into an emotional state that hit too close to home so I had asked my dm if I could introduce a temporary pc, and I made sure to check in with the other two members before the switch and all were okay with me switching. We went through a handful of sessions where there was a fun new dynamic with our pcs as mine helped them with finishing up a task, but once we started on a side quest for my temp pc, the other two pcs were clearly not very interested in helping her find her sister. After one session, the two players spent almost 15 minutes talking about how much they disliked my new pc. I was silent, the dm was silent. We had to have a brief aside afterwards where we wound up deciding to just have my pc leave next session and skip over her departure. I was pretty sad as I had put time into her backstory and was looking forward to the party (who was usually quite helpful to people in need) helping her find her sister. We started the next session with a gloss over but one player brought it back into rp with the other pc and they spent almost another 10 minutes about how much my temp pc was irritating and they didn't want to help her as it was out of their way and not connected to them before the dm finally interrupted. We went on to have the party not have much to do as their pcs wanted to relax from adventures. A few sessions later, the dm canceled the game. Was I in the wrong for bringing in a temp pc that seemed to ruin the party dynamic?

Nick Andrusin

To the studious judges and the [redacted]bailif, who's a big dragonball fan, I hear. I present the case of the Suprise Monk. I was in a game where half way through a session the DM suprised introduced his friend as a type of cowboy/assassin/bounty hunter coming after us, complete with a drawl and 2 Katanas . The Guy was playing a Kensi monk sent to hunt us down. He was level 5, same as the rest of us. He proceded to absolutely beat the shit out of the party dropping 4/5ths of us to death saves in just a couple rounds of combat. He took out my dwarf Fighter Lecha with 49 HP and 18 AC in one round. He then proceded to take some of our key magic items a walk off into the sunrise whistleing a tune, telling us to visit the king to get our stuff back. He also beat the shit our of our NPC, a kid named Charles. To make matters even more interesting, this was a guest appearance, he only showed up to kick our ass and steal our stuff. He ALSO just broke up with his long term girlfriend hours before the session in a reportedly messy break up, so the DM probably felt bad for him. We laughed alot, He seems like a good guy and felt bad about mollywhomping us. But judges, I ask, was this ok for the DM and guest player to suprise whomp us like this in a 1v5 and steal out Key/Quest items? I am at the mercy of the court.

Vincent Ashford

To the beautiful justices and the Rizzed up bailiff Alphonse. I present the case of "why the roll?" I played in a one shot with a friend of mine who DMs for another game I play in. I made sure my stats were very rogue so I can be the best rogue to ever rogue. Final battle, I was caught sneaking in the shadows (Nat 1) and pretended to be a new follower to this corrupt clerics cult. I managed to get close to where they were and next to this tall humanoid stone structure. My first action is to roll behind structure and pull out bow. From other side shoot cleric and because of rogue things I did some pretty big damage. Then with cunning action I rolled to hide back behind the statue. With a 25 I was one with the shadows behind the statue. Evil cleric walks forward 15 feet and attacks me. I was shocked as my understanding they would have to make a roll to see if they see me. The DM said well I am still standing behind the statue. I said but you confirmed that lighting was poor (only a fire in the middle of room so shadows are casted everywhere due to these structures) so wouldn't they have to roll to see me. A few minutes of back and forth and then I conceded as they are the DM. We ended up winning and I went down for the first time in my 7 year career. Justices, was I incorrect in my beliefs of the rogue abilities or should I have been graced with a perception check before my life was reduced to rolling death saves? I await your decision. P.S. we still play in the other campaign and have fun with friends so the decision hasn't impacted my fun with them.

Justin Rankin

To the effervescent Supreme Crit Justices, the less-than-effervescent Justice Jorf, and the *insert appropriate adjective for appropriate bailiff here*, I bring you the case of the Wild Magic T-Rex. My party was in a city potion shop after an adventure, when the city’s dinosaur zoo was compromised, releasing dinosaurs into the city. Shortly after, a T-Rex entered the potion shop with us. Wanting to do heavy damage with my tempest cleric, I cast Shatter on the T-Rex, making sure to keep the damaging radius of it outside of any potion shelves. My DM ruled that, since the boom is audible for 200 feet, it would knock over all of the potions in the shop, creating random Wild Magic effects that ended up buffing the T-Rex and hindering us. A very fun mechanic to be sure, but I was a bit disappointed my calculations were for nought - it seemed like my character as just someone that set bombs off in potion shops. Judges, was I wrong to be disappointed, or should I just be thankful my DM put some thought into a cool on-the-fly combat mechanic? I humbly await your judgments.

Bugbear OrMiss

Honorable Justices and the bailiff we deserve (also Murph, who has wronged me personally and I havent found it in my heart to forgive yet), I present the case of the Bugbearian turned Buzard: I was playing in a campaign where my PC (A Bugbear wizard) had a brother who was a hot headed Bugbear barbarian who ran away from home to join a goblin horde because he was sick of always living in my PCs shadow. This was the inciting incident that led my PC to adventure: Find his misguided bro and make amends. When we found him, however, the DM described him as a smooth talking and collected war general working alongside Drow and his first act upon seeing my PC was teleporting away and summoning a giant storm over the horizon. I was, of course, bewildered but figured that maybe this was the setup of some mistaken identity plot and after the session mentioned how out of character my bro was acting. The DM, however , became despondent and after ghosting me between sessions, came back next week adamant that this was all perfectly in character and I should drop it. Justices, I plead. Is this true? Should I accept my Bugbearian Bro turning into a Buzard? Or is this wack

Courtney F.

Honorable justices, There is a weird lady in the corner. She keeps saying her name is Emily Axford but we all know the real Emily is named Murph Emily Axford so.. Idk. Anyway, I bring to you, the case of the clerics. I am a forever healer and as a 5e life cleric, I have an ability to heal several members of my party for a total equal to my level times 5. BUT I can't heal them with this ability to a point that would bring them to more than half of their hp. I am apart of an online group (red flag) with strangers (redder flag) and called for hp max and current hp of my party when my DM stopped me. "you don't know that" the DM said. I mean... I kinda see their point but also, I don't want to waste any of that hp pool. Do I need to metagame and keep track of their hp so I don't waste healing, do I just wing it, or should the DM lighten up a little bit? I look forward to your ruling and please, look into that lady in the corner..

Luke Hallier

To the Highest Crit Justices in all the land and questionably lowly bailiff Axford/Hurwitz, I am my Parties forever DM,or so I thought, throughout the pandemic I ran an entire 18 month long campaign which my players were thrilled with. After the conclusion of that campaign we still met up weekly for game nights, while I was prepping our next campaign which is going swimmingly and is completely homebrew. However in the interim, one of my players asked if he could run a one-shot (3 shot?) over the course of 3 weeks, and hungry to be a player again I encouraged him to do so. In the weeks leading up to the one-shot he encouraged us to make the most broken and overpowered characters we could, and informed us we would be playing an evil aligned party and that the one-shot was a heist of sorts. The one-shot was great and my friend knocked it out of the park, one of his “Thorns” as y’all would say, was that my character was too powerful; citing an instance where the rest of the party was forced to flee from an encounter due to being frightened, but my character was able to solo the rest of the encounter due to some last second buffing by my team as they dispersed. However, I didn’t take the thorn personally as I thought he was fine with it, seeing as he encouraged us to make over-powered characters. Flash forward to recently where we have, as a group, decided to take a break from my homebrew campaign for my sake as I’m feeling a bit DM fatigued. He wanted to run a pre-written module and again I encouraged him to do so, but as the group was hashing out who our characters are he specifically banned me from playing a Bard, a Paladin, or multi-classing at all, again citing the solo encounter incident. When I told him I was merely planning on playing a Death Domain Cleric, he outright told me he’d have to nerf the channel divinity abilities that came with the subclass. I petition the court, am I wrong for feeling unfairly singled out being banned from two of my favorite classes,or should I have taken his encouragement to build broken characters with a grain of salt and not gone full min-max on a first time DM. I eagerly await your ruling. Also, I am French Murph has my blessing and Encouragement to do a French accent should he wish too.

Craig Felt

To the honorable justices and very cool guest bailiff, I present the case of the character John Doe. Several years ago I joined my friends' campaign for several sessions. Going into the adventure I knew it was a more gritty, hard core campaign. The DM and I met before the first session and came up with a front line tanky character since that's what the group was missing. Within the first hour of playing my character was focused by the enemies and killed. I was fairly sad but he said I could make a new character. I spent the next hour making another character while everyone else kept playing. My new character was introduced, and then shortly after focused and killed in combat again. I made a 3rd character, a human fighter named John Doe, in 10 minutes, and asked to rejoin the party. My DM wasn't super happy with my character choices, and the session ended with John's death. I did not rejoin the campaign. Was I wrong for making such a generic character and disrespecting this hard core campaign or was my DM wrong for killing me over and over? I humbly await your judgement.

Gabagooblin

To the venerable Justices and their trusty sidekick Bailiff Boy, I present the case of the noxious fart. A few hogliday seasons ago, I DMed a low level New Jersey-themed one shot for some friends, where the party had to journey through the treacherous Barren Pines to wrest a powerful gubernatorial artefact from the hands of the evil ogre Christophus Christien. The party took a long rest and I asked them to describe their morning routine to encourage some roleplay. My older sister, playing a DeVitoesque nome named Gnart, described how our friend's character, a sexy tiefling named Chad, ripped ass so loudly that it startled everyone awake. Our friend immediately argued that she couldn't just narrate that, indignantly insisting that it was completely out of character and hot Chad would never do such a thing. As a compromise, I ruled that I would allow the fart if everyone within 5 ft (most of the party) made a Con save against 1d4 of poison damage. Eventually everyone agreed to take the damage and the session moved on, but it gets brought up every time someone mentions DnD and our friend is still a little salty about it. I ask the court, was I correct to honor my sororal bonds or should I have protected Chad's sexy dignity?

D Cord

To the honorable Crit Justices and the Baliff/Potter I submit the case of the demoralizing first mate: I was the first mate of our ship. Two of the PCs got into a disagreement in front of the crew. I didn’t interrupt because I didn’t want to pull focus from the moment. The DM said the crew noticed the fight. The next session I went to each crew and thanked them for their job thus far, attempting to raise their morale status. At the end of that session, the DM said the crew had lost a morale point due to the fight and specifically because I, the first mate, did not intervene and additionally, that my after fight check in was not enough to keep the morale from slipping. Was I wronged?

Krista 'Birdy' Bertrand

To the supreme crit justices and the lowly bailiff rumplestiltsken, I bring to you the case of regicide. I am a DM and have been running this homebrew campaign for almost 2 years. Well, I had a 6 week arc in the feywild planned where the players met 2 new player characters and everything was great. Until I introduced them to one of the NPCs mother, high queen of the winter court. They then killed the whole royal family (NPC excluded) and destroyed my whole arc and then asked me “now what?” After. While hilarious, also months of planning was lost and I was left mid session with nothing but “welp… guess you’re going back to the material plane” which they were all disappointed by. Should I have tried to salvage the story arc? Or were they a bit overzealous in their actions? I await judging from the court.

SiteZero

Hello honorable justices who can not be bought unlike the Supreme court and the Bailff Justin who gives Florida energy (in the bad way). I am a long time DM who has started to introduce friends to the game that haven't had the ability to play before. Recently they have been having such much fun that they are surprising me with their friends (which I take as a compliment) this is not the case I present tho. I have run multiple books (which I alter significantly to kinda make my own campaign and just use the book for assistance with timing) and we were halfway through Out of the Abyss when one of these "new additions" asked if he could DM the next campaign. I was super supportive and excited to be a PC. This is when problems occurred. We have been running combat heavy comedic campaigns for the most part but the more we all keep listening to him planning (which he did very loudly during break times and forced conversations in that direction) he is planning a super serious Warhammer 40K political roleplay campaign and got super defensive anytime we tried to Crack anytype of joke. The other PCs and I had discussions that we didn't want to play that and voiced that to him but he just kept saying trust me yall will have fun. During the final session we all told him that another of the "new additions" wanted to run a Fallout new vegas esc combat heavy comedic campaign and that is the direction the group is deciding to go this was met with a "OH we'll see about that". The epic conclusion I had designed in my campaign was that the Demogorgon offered them a wish if they sabatoged a simple wedding and killed the Groom. What I didn't tell them and they didn't roll high enough to know is that the grom was Graz'zt and the bride was Juiblex (in a human form I made). They hijacked the systems to keep the wedding secure and weaked everything before rushing in the finish the job (kick ass right?). They all formulated the plan to finish off the the bride because she was significantly weaker. This is when "new addition number 1" (let's call him Corey) breaks formation as a monk and uses insane movement to barrel rush the groom way across the castle 1000's of feet away while saying at the table "I'm getting that fucking wish so I can wish us all into my 40K campaign, y'all will have to play it then". While the rest of the party was struggling to finish off the bride he rolls a higher initiative and gets first round of combat against the groom greatly weakening him (putting him on deaths stoop). I see that the rest of my party was about to defeat the bride, so I cheat and use Graz'zt teleport ability and just move him into the room with the rest of my party problem solved. That's when from across the table I hear "Um, Actually his ability only let's him move 120 ft" so I bullshit and say "Correct but he is using the spell which allows him to go anywhere he is very familiar with and since he was planning on getting married in the ballroom he would be very familiar with it". This gets me a sigh and his turns become I run 180ft while the rest of my party are slaying the groom getting the wish and using it to wrap up the campaign where they all either go back home or set themselves up with the life they were seeking. He refused to narriarate his ending and even took a six pack home that wasn't his. I await my sentencing for if my crimes of bending the rules to prevent someone for hoodwinking future campaigns.

Willow Morningstar

May it please the court, and may it displease the wittle bitty baby baliff; the case of the overzealous paladin. In the first session of our campaign, my character (an aaracokra Way of the Long Death monk) started as a prisoner in a wagon party moving to the capital city. We were ambushed while I was locked in a cage and escaped. Our paladin caught me and tried to get me to swear fealty. He cast zone of truth and asked if I meant them harm. I said no. He didn't believe me regardless of the spell and threatened to leave me in the desert. After 20 minutes, real time, he gave up and pouted. Was I an asshole for not following this random man blindly, or was he taking his holy crusade a little to far by threatening character death an hour into the campaign?

Connor Pryor

This is both a confession and a case. May it please the court, dice Christ themself, and the man, the myth, the legend: Jack. I am a high school teacher running a campaign for 5 freshmen boys. During a fight against their first BBEG, one of my players went down and had one death save fail. The situation was incredibly dire for the BBEG. The BBEG was desperate and was holding the unconscious body of my player hostage. It was my student’s turn with the BBEG ready to kill the player on the next turn, however my player is pledged to the time god. I let my player roll a religion check to pray to the time god to deceive the BBEG into thinking he was already dead, so the BBEG would drop him. I watched my player roll a 2, but he immediately jumped up and screamed that he got a natural 20. Since everyone got so hyped, I decided to let it slide and everyone was able to defeat the BBEG and come out alive. Was it wrong for me to let that slide? Or will dice Christ punish my player for lying, or me for allowing the lie? I await yours and dice Christ’s judgement and I am at the mercy of the court.

William Wood

To the most radiant justices of the highest crit in the land and their low, dirty, downtown Jakey Brown. I present you the case of The Overbaked Gingerbread Man Every Christmas season, I take a break from my regular campaign and run a one shot for the holidays. This year it centered around the players making Christmas-themed PCs defending the north pole from the armies of the other holidays, looking to topple Christmas and stop its endless creep, akin to the Battle of Helm’s Deep. The PCs fought in a number of different encounters themed around different holidays: A foppish vampire lord with his cupid archers, a beholder in a childlike ghost costume with zombies, a turkey dragon, etc. The final encounter was a multi-stage final fantasy-esque boss battle against five former presidents who eventually morphed into a giant voltron mech. The battle was close, and everyone was hurting. One player—a 1-foot-tall Gingerbread Monk—ran up the mech’s leg and perched on its shoulder. When the mech tried to swat him, he argued he was too tiny to hit in such a hard to reach position. I ruled he had to make a contested grapple check; the mech grabbed him, flung him earthward, and finished him off. He wasn’t thrilled. Dearest Lords and Lady, should I have allowed the Gingerbread Monk to dart around the head and shoulders of my Mech unmolested, or was I correct in forcing a check and ending his crumbly, little life? I am eager to accept any punishment you should decide to levy, I like pain. P.S. Everything turned out great when Mariah Carey came over the hill oppa-Gandalf style, giving the team just enough of a boost to overcome the mech and save Christmas.

Matt Gustavson

Dear baliff Emily and the Holy Justices Hurwitz and Tanner. (Fuck you Murph) I bring you the case of the tippy typing DM Let’s set the scene: It is a dramatic moment in the campaign, one of the characters is having a massive lore moment, and then my DM spends 30 - 40 minutes typing in a chat to one player describing a scene to them. I felt tired of being kept out of the loop of the story, so I asked my DM if he could let us all hear what’s he was saying to avoid the boredom that comes with waiting on the sidelines. He said it was to preserve the secrecy of the story Justices, these can happen up to 3 times in our three hour sessions, sometimes being so long that they take up the 50% of the session. One was so long that I pulled out my gaming laptop and played Helldivers in it, and completed a high level mission Justices, am I right for wanting a session to be more inclusive and exiting, or is my DM right to type his lore out in Discord Ps: (Again fuck you Murph for being rude to toddler Jake)

Mario Avila

All Mighty justices and honorary alguacil (bailif) Emilia Hachacórdez, I bring forward the case of the Co-Dm Chaos: A few years ago, I found myself craving more D&D but stuck in the bottleneck of our DM's availability. So, a fellow player—an great roleplayer who was also studying acting at the time—and I decided to co-DM a campaign. The plan seemed brilliant: I’d handle world-building, NPCs, storylines, and all the Roll20 setup, while she’d bring the world to life with her voice acting skills, playing all the major NPCs. I wasn’t confident in my roleplaying, and she didn’t have time to plan, so it seemed like a perfect plan. After weeks of work, I had crafted enough material for 3 sessions and a presentation detailing story points, NPC motivations, and characteristics that we reviewed together. It was all neatly prepared for our first session. But, as a fellow player warned me, this idea was destined for disaster. What followed was, without a doubt, an absolute clusterfuck. First, we had way too many players for a first-time DM team with 8 people in the discord call, which already made things chaotic. To make matters worse, my co-DM’s younger sister was one of the players—only to discover in-session that she didn’t speak English (our group was a mix of English-speaking Mexicans and Americans). This meant I had to awkwardly repeat literally everything in Spanish after every scene. And then, when it came time to introduce our first major NPC, my co-DM—our supposed roleplaying expert—completely froze and said, “Sorry, I just can’t.” Cue me, improvising all the roleplay on the fly for three grueling hours. It was exhausting, chaotic, and borderline soul-crushing, but somehow, it was exactly what I needed to gain the confidence to DM solo. Now, with countless sessions under my belt and years of being a forever DM, I couldn’t be happier. But Justices, I ask you: who’s to blame? Me, for devising this stupid co-DM scheme? My co-DM, for throwing me under the bus? Or for inviting a player who didn’t speak the language that we were meant to play in?

Matthew J

To the honorable Supreme Crit, I humbly bring before you the Case of the Dhampir Mutineer. A couple years ago, our campaign was on a brief seafaring arc to rescue one of the player characters, who had been abducted. In the meantime, the player whose character had been kidnapped played an Artificer who was secretly a dhampir. One fateful session, my Paladin, who had been elected captain by the rest of the party, was keeping watch at the helm. In character, I had to step away for a moment, so I asked the party’s Bard, who was also the ship’s first mate, to take the wheel. The Artificer announced that she wanted to go for the wheel instead, prompting an Athletics check between her and the Bard. The Bard won handily, and he narrated his character casually pushing the Artificer away. The Artificer reacted by biting him with her secret vampire fangs. My Paladin grappled her and tried to get answers before things devolved into full PVP, but instead of answering any questions, she commanded her robot familiar to shoot me in the back. The party then collectively turned on her, and the Bard, who was convinced that the Artificer was a full vampire, finished her off while she was rolling death saves. After tying her up, we cast Revivify on her so we could get answers (and, out of game, to give the Artificer player a second chance with the character). For the next two hours, we begged her to give any explanation about the vampirism or why we should trust her going forward, while she refused to explain herself, apologize, or even acknowledge any wrongdoing (in and out of character). When our characters stepped off to the side to discuss how to proceed, the Artificer tried to break free of her bonds and escape. We knocked her back to 0 HP, and, seeing no other course of action that made sense in character, we ultimately decided to kill her. For additional context, this was not the only time that the Artificer player initiated PVP, but it was the only time that it resulted in a character death. Justices, were we wrong to kill our friend’s character twice, or were we justified in executing an unapologetic instigator? We humbly await your judgment. As a side note, regardless of your ruling, if you choose to read this case I will add a 4 ft tall NPC to my home game named Jonk Hurwitz.

Majoras Milk Bar

To the “Sexy” Supreme Crit Justices and the bailiff who wishes that D&D WAS about stealing girlfriends because then maybe he could get his wife back. I present to you the case of the Solo Climbing Barbarian. Early on in our campaign the party encountered a tall wooden palisade wall, made from logs that had been stripped bare of their bark and branches, which was surrounding a village. The guards at the top of the wall were actively hostile towards the party members, releasing arrows and demanding that they leave. One of the players antagonised the NPCs further and then said that they wanted to climb the wall to confront them, despite the rest of the party telling him not to. Our DM said that he would have to roll an acrobatics check to climb the wall, but later (after some arguing with the player) reluctantly agreed to give the option of an athletics check with a slightly higher DC — clarifying that because the wall was made of smooth, vertical and tightly packed logs, it would call for agility, momentum and balance more so than raw strength. Judges, not only did this player disagree with the ruling and argue with the entire table before and after his failed roll, but he continued to interrupt the rest of the session by reading paragraphs from websites aloud and watching youtube videos of people climbing walls on his phone at a loud volume while shaking his head to himself. We come to you to settle this once and for all. Was the DM justified in setting different DCs because of the reasoning he gave, favouring acrobatics over athletics for the climb? Or was the player rightfully outraged because his character was strong and “he could do it”? Yours truly, “The Murph of the group”

Scottee

Sup, Justices? Oh. Hi, Bailiff. I didn't see you there. Anyway! I've got a juicy case for you. I'm a DM of four wonderful players and I recently had a realization: if you do a stealth check too soon, it kinda sucks. Usually I just ask them to stealth right when they say they're going to sneak, but then that kinda immediately gives away how well they do. I could have enemies roll active Perception, but that's not always fair. So most recently, when the group announced they were going to try to sneak through a drow camp, I didn't ask them to roll. They were baffled and moved cautiously. When they asked if they should roll, I said "not yet." When they were in a suitably dramatic position, THEN I told them to roll- and they did pretty badly. Single digits abounded, so of course they got seen and the alarm got raised. A couple of the players were not happy! They argued that since they rolled so bad, they would've been spotted BEFORE they got into the more dangerous position in the middle of the drow camp. Justices, I think I'm in the right and I don't feel conflicted at all, but what do you think? Is delaying rolling an ability check actually cool and amazing, or are a couple of players correct in their beliefs that rolling poorly on a stealth check just means you get seen immediately, not that you get found at an inopportune time?

Oscar Cozens

To the justices and baliff, who must all look inside themselves to determine their own honor,

Zoologist440

To the lugubrious Justices and that freaky little baby Jerk. I bring you the Case of the Disinterested Detectives. I was running a third party module for my group of friends that centered around solving a mystery in an island village beset by a giant wolf creature. The campaign started great, with the party making their way to the island and encountering the monster the first night. When the players began to question the townsfolk, I laid out the various investigation hooks (ie. There is a strange manor on the island, the mist seems to always creep in from this direction) to which the players immediately replied, "Well has no one investigated those things?" I replied in character that the townsfolk were scared of venturing beyond the village for fear of the beast. The party seemed incredulous that no one would try to protect their town, but moved forward following a lead. At the next location they met another NPC who provided a bit more information and clues to follow. Again, the PCs asked why this NPC had not gone out to investigate this mystery themselves, to the point of playfully berating him for not being brave enough to try to stop this hulking nightmare beast themselves. At this point, I was frustrated and after a long rest in game, the party woke up with the mystery solved and the beast defeated, having galvanized the village into action the day before with their words. The players got the message and we played as if that never happened and had lots of mystery fun. Justices, was I wrong to react so harshly to my players wanting the NPCs to have done all the work for them? I humbly await your judgement.

Charlotte

To the esteemed justices and the lowliest of lads bailiff John. I was playing in a two-shot with people I met online. Our characters were completing a triathlon with running, horse riding, and ice skating. I was initially really excited, but some… complications quickly appeared. Though PCs had access to the regular action economy, really the only thing to do each turn was take our 25ft of movement and try to get to the end of the race. The DM insisted on a rule that we could only dash a number equal to 3+our con before risking levels of exhaustion. I was a rogue, and this pretty much nixed my bonus action dash, which I had planned to use along with my action to go 75ft each round. I didn’t mind this dashing rule because rules are the DM’s discretion... except that it ended up taking 48 rounds of combat and three, four hour-long sessions to get through the race. In the 7th hour and 35 rounds into combat, we had levels of exhaustion from attempting to dash and were rolling athletics checks to ride horses with disadvantage (and my minus 1 to strength) as well as having our speed halved. To make things more interesting, I started suggesting shenanigans: tying ourselves to the horses with rope to cancel out disadvantage, climbing over hurdles with crowbars after falling off the horses, and creating a grappling hook out of rope to scoot across the ice faster than my walking speed. The DM vetoed all of these except the last, but after giving me an extra ten feet of movement, he ruled that I had gone prone to slide across the ice and now had my movement halved (I effectively lost 3 feet of movement). I’m a pretty easygoing person, so I just laughed it off, but am I right for being absolutely baffled by this absurdity? I know the DM didn't technically violate any game rules, but I ask the illustrious judges and the little lad bailiff: was I wrong to keep suggesting alternatives when my DM clearly wanted the race to be run a certain way, or should he have clocked that his players were feeling disheartened by the 25ft per round slog?

Kay

Dear benevolent judges and Gemma’s dad, I bring you the case of “Oh no not my parents marriage!” For the winter holidays, my family convened at my parent’s house for festivities. My brother, a fellow fan of the game, suggested a one shot as a family activity. Everyone agreed, and in a few days I had set forth a small but hopefully fun adventure for the small party, which included my first-time player parents. The adventurers were tasked with escorting a princess through enemy land, where hey were ambushed and knocked out. When they awoke, the party was split into two cells. My mom’s character, a fairy bard, immediately called out for my dad’s character, an elven ranger. In response, my dad’s character instead started calling and searching for the princess. Since they had decided earlier that their characters were a couple, my mom was quite offended that she was not his “first priority”, while my dad argued that they were tasked to find the princess, so that was his goal. Justices and Jeff, who was correct in their anger and offense? P.S. This was, of course, all in good fun between my parents, but I will, also of course, heavily enforce any punishment you deem worthy.

Riley Coudal

To the lovely and resplendent Judges and that guy Jork that reads stuff. I live in a college frat and started a DND game with some of my frat bros my case is short and sweet. I DMd the game and set up a homebrew world where there was explicitly only thee kingdoms, and the content was divided into three by magically radioactive rifts, my players came to session one and I ended up allowing there to be smaller kingdoms and such just that we're actively being conquered by a the military minded kingdom. The case is this my players were this, a dampire barbarian, a half-angle blacksmith (artificer), a half-elf monk, and a Catholic Pilgrim (like that came on the Nina the pinta or the Santa Maria) human... I tried to work with him and maybe point him to one of the established religions but he stood firm that he would only have fun if he was playing a Catholic Pilgrim (gun and capotain and all), I allowed him to play but found his character kidna killed my immersion into the game and it ended up fizzling not related to the char, but to this day I wonder was I wrong for letting him play a Catholic Pilgrim or should I have put my foot down and told him to come up with something else?

Joseph

To the effervescent bailiff Axford, the hard thinking justices, and that guy Jape: I bring to the court the case of the erupting ceiling. When I first started DMing, my players had finally reached the final battle of a mini campaign. The fight took place in a temple carved into the mountain. The big bad was a wizard who had a bunch of lackeys and had boots of spider climb. They cast darkness on the ceiling, and stood in the darkness only hopping out to shoot spells at the party. Part of the final battle was meant to be the party figuring out how to actually hit the wizard, but the Druid (my wife) had other ideas. She had her character cast erupting earth, which has the same area as darkness. I told her that the spell states that it targets a point on the ground and the ceiling did not qualify. She argues that since they were in a temple carved into the mountain, any wall should be considered “ground.” I thought it was clever so I allowed it, seeing as my bad guy hadn’t been hit yet. However, one failed save and a roll of max damage, my big bad (squishy) wizard was one shot. Now I don’t regret my ruling as it lead to an extremely memorable moment that the whole table enjoyed, but I always come back to this and wonder if it was a correct ruling according to the rules. Justices, do you agree with how I originally ruled it or do you agree with my wife that the ceiling can be ground?

Stas J

Long time listener, first time caller. To the omnipotent judges and the illiterate bailiff, I present to you the case of: sand kick. May it please the court: I was playing a fantasy summer camp slasher campaign with some friends I'd known since high school, the dm being the husband of one of those friends. We were in our final session, and our party of camp counselors had finally found the underwater lair of the massive godlike Illithid who had been sending corrupted undead to kill all our camp friends. We had successfully crept up on the illithid so our DM allowed us all to plan surprise attacks and try to optimize our spells and initiative. One of my fellow players, a nerdy wizard named Dillbert Dillweed, said "I'm gonna kick sand at him." Our DM asked him to roll. I cut off my fellow players who were planning deeply thought out plans of attack and said wait, is Dillbert doing something magic with the sand or is he just kicking sand? Our dm said he is just "being Dillbert" and kicking sand at the monster. I was furious! He was risking our careful plan of attack on a sand kick!! I and everyone but our DM said hey man don't do that we're planning something here, but he said no this is what Dillbert would do and rolled to kick sand. Luckily he rolled well and our DM ruled attacks from a certain side of the illithid could have advantage since he had sand in those eyes. Since that battle, our game obviously ended. Sometimes I still think about the beautiful sequence of surprise attacks our cleric, sorcerer, and I could have popped off on this illithid with, and to this day Dillbert Dillweed is incredibly proud of that move and subsequent roll. Judges, should my paladin have been allowed to smite Dillbert where he stood for jeopardizing our entire party for a bit, or should I just let this absurd choice go and be open to playing DND with Dillbert again(he is not in our current game)?

Juicebox

Dear Arbiters of Critness, I prostrate myself before you, humbled, shame-faced, and burdened by my grievous sins—particularly before the esteemed Crit Justice Murphy, as I have sinned most egregiously against his divine intellectual property. I come before you to confess that I, a mere mortal DM, have blatantly plagiarized your world of Eldermorn. Yes, the sibling triumvirate of gods? Stolen outright, not even renamed. The Undermountain Empire? Mine now. Took it wholesale, claimed it as my own like some thieving magpie hoarding shiny, narrative treasures. The Fey groves and the Harvest? Oh, absolutely. They’re planted firmly in my campaign, though I suspect even Dice Christ himself winced at how shamelessly I reaped what you sowed. But, noble arbiters, it gets worse. I thought to myself, “Surely, I must redeem this theft with originality elsewhere!” And yet, when it came to cities and NPCs, I plundered Dragon Age Origins as though Bioware owed me rent. Arl Eamon of Redcliffe? He’s in there under a pseudonym so thin it might as well be a bad fake mustache. My players believe I am a genius, a masterful architect of this dark fairytale world. In truth, I am a shadow puppeteer, orchestrating their awe with uncredited brilliance from far greater minds. And so, I come to you, heads bowed and dice in hand, to beg absolution for this journey I’ve taken behind the DM screen. I hope that Dice Christ may grant me leniency, though I fully understand if the gods of Crit see fit to smite me with an unending string of nat 1s. I accept my fate, so long as it serves the greater good of honoring your holy work. With dice in hand and shame in my heart, A Thieving DM in Despair

PlausiblyPJ

May it please the wise keepers of the holy crit and the worm wife bailiff, I come to you with a confession of the exiled PC... 3yrs ago, I started playing in a Rime of the Frostmaiden campaign where I met my fellow players for the first time during session 1. It has been fantastic and we are all the best of friends now. However, I made a bold mistake very early on that has weighed on my conscience ever since. During our 3rd session, we were locked in a debate among the party on whether or not to assist a town in need or to allow the town to turn against the mayor which would assist the medieval Mafia that our party was loosely affiliated with. All but 1 of us was on board to become "made men" and helping the criminal organization. This player (lawful good) was threatening to rat us out if we went through with it. So... I cast Sleep on them. We then proceeded to tie them up, lie to the towns people saying he was delusional and a danger to others, and left him on the side of the road penniless and alone, kicking the character out of the party and causing the player to create a new one, which they were happy to do as it was very funny. This was the point that I realized my mistake. I was playing a bard, and I didn't realize bards can't prepare spells each day. So, Sleep was not on my original spell list. I added it after a rest for this plan to work... The campaign continued on until we finished it and it was an amazing game the whole way through, but this noob mistake still haunts me to this day. I kneel before you hoping for absolution, but accept any punishment you see fit.

Kixystick

To the glorious and lofty Justices and the birdbrain bailiff Jarnathan, a case from a campaign long ended. I beseech you on behalf of my client (current dm and partner in life) regarding a rather interesting situation that left his bard without any money or sentimental possessions. We were fighting a very powerful vampire, one that had previously caused the death of said bard. Tensions were high and during the fight the vampire was turned to mist. Thinking fast my client used their own bag of holding to capture the vapour (passing VERY high Dex checks) effectively ending the fight and preventing the vampire from escaping to heal back at her resting place. A genius plan, the dm allowed it, we thought we had won! That is…until the next morning… My client awoke to their bag torn asunder *from the inside*! The vampire had managed to reform in the bag and when she tried to escape she tore a hole sending her, tens of thousands of gold coins, a horn of Valhalla, and countless sentimental items my client owned into the Astral Sea. When we questioned the DM he simply said that this legendary vampire was a special case, where the entire material plane was considered her resting place due to some pocket plane/dimension shifting shenanigans. When we brought up the idea of a bag of holding being its own demi-plane or being cut off from the prime material plane he said he wouldn’t retcon the bag’s destruction. Judges, we all agreed it was funny in the moment and there’s no ill will. My client only wishes to hear your ruling since this was such a bizarre and costly situation.

Stephen Mark

To the esteemed judges and the tiny baby bailiff Jyle. I present the case of the fallen swarm keeper. The warlock in our group had received a threatening message from an NPC so we took her and the sorcerer to a safe house. The cleric and I (swarmkeeper) went to keep a promise and meet another NPC at a bar to check in on them. While there we were ambushed by 3 Bodaks. We exclaimed “there are three of them!?” To which the DM responded “I balanced this for all four of you, you guys decided to split the party” We fought and went down. While making death saves I took an additional death save fail from the Bodaks aura of annihilation causing my Ranger to die. The DM said I didn’t have to take the fatal death save I replied “don’t lower the stakes” (oppa murph style). While sad I felt it was narratively satisfying, and I died drawing the Bodaks away from the cleric who was down but stable. After the session the DM stopped me on my way to the car and accused me of “making him murder my character” I ask you, did I make him a murderer, should I have accepted his mercy and just been knocked out? Or was I right by not lowering the stakes?

Joshua Morgan

To the eloquent and wonderful baby Bailiff Jake and the ever merciful judges I bring the case of the Wrongful Railroad. In my first long running campaign I was playing a Bladesinger Wizard. Everything was going great until before the final dungeon I used detect magic and realized there was a scrying curse on my character from the BBEG. I decided to leave the party even past my DMs "*wink* that's bad" for the party's good and my character died. I was initially satisfied as it felt like a noble sacrifice. However, instead of a new character for the final dungeon, I was required to play the nearly featureless rogue follower we had which made the final session a snoozefest for me. On top of that, at the end when we recovered the artifact we were trying to keep from the BBEG, she somehow knew exactly where we were anyway. The DM narrated as the characters fled and she got what she wanted with no combat or rolls. Clearly this was to set up for a future campaign as he revealed later. I ask, was my group cheated with our choices not mattering? Should I have been allowed a fun character for the finale? Or was our DM right to continue the ending he had planned all along.

Mica K

To Busty Bailiff Junk Hunkwitz and the Jovial, Jazzy Judges, I present the case of the Quiet Quitter. A few years ago my usual D&D group had someone join. About four sessions in, at the end of the session during our long rest, one of the players (Todd) said that their character was leaving the party. Everyone was surprised (this was not hinted to before) and asked why. They claimed their character, the daughter of the emperor, didn't agree with anything we had done that day in game. She decided to leave. Judges, is that.… okay? It's not the leaving that bothers me, but the lack of communication beforehand and (to be honest) after. They ended up bringing in a new character but left the campaign a few weeks later, so this is all inconsequential but still. Is it fair to have a character leave for "personal conflicts" after not mentioning any conflicts? Thanks for your time (and stay safe)!

Nathaniel Flowers

To the most esteemed Executioner’s Axe-ford, the honorable Called-that-Well Tanner, the baby boy whose wits are better than Hurwitz, esteemed guest, and… Blain? Blain Murphew? I present the case of the thieving DM. After fixing an “illusion-made-real” machine, we tested it with an illusion of many platinum bars, totaling some 250k or more gold, before using it on the illusion of a now-dead wizard who initially hired us. On our way back to town, our DM told us the platinum had a short half life and is disappearing (the wizard did not suffer this fate). As he mentions this, a little red devil guy, complete with evil mustache and French accent, pops out of our PC wizard’s watch, and does, well, not much of anything. The Wizard has had the watch for some time. We shrug it off as a later problem and we book it to the town bank. We set up a deal with the bank teller to launder the money, and hand her the platinum. At that moment, said little devil guy pops back out, pushes the teller into the bank vault portal, jumps in after her, and locks it from the inside. We have played many campaigns in this world with same or related characters. The bank is “still investigating” - Real world and in-game years later! Please validate us, the players who never let the DM forget, that this was an insane way to take our money? Thanks judges. Oh, and you too… Bargamel Smurfy..?

Nav Mann

Dear pookie bear Jake, I present to you (and the others I guess) the case of the level 20 dungeon tpk. My group was playing in a long-term game at which we were told the final level we'd reach was 14, and we were level 9 at the time of this tpk. The DM warned us that the dungeon we'd be entering was balanced for level "max level" characters, but all the clues we'd obtained to this point led us to there (i.e. the only lead we had). Once we entered the dungeon we were near-instantly tpk-ed by the first encounter of monsters (example, my barbarian had finger of death cast on him by all 7 enemies in initiative during the surprise round). We all were obviously quite peeved, as we didn't stand a chance in combat but the DM revealed that this whole time the dungeon was made with level 20 characters in mind, and stood his ground that he had continuously warned us of such. I argued that if our max level we'd reach in the campaign was 14, what was the point of a dungeon being balanced for level 20? I also said (quite rudely I admit), "well we assumed you'd prep a fun session, anyone can prep an instant tpk". Who's in the wrong here? The DM for prepping a combat we didn't stand a chance in even though he (arguably) warned us, or us, the players for entering the dungeon and crashing out when it didn't go our way? p.s. we were ultimately all revived for a fantastic, though unsatisfying, final combat against the BBEG, but we were all kind of out of it because we were dead.

Adam Fux

To the esteemed justices and the bouncing baby boy bailiff, I present to you the case of the backseat DM. I was DMing a game for my brother and some of our mutual friends. I was still relatively new to DMing and was learning as we went. My brother asked if one of his friends could join and said that he was a forever dm. I was so excited to get to talk to an experienced dm! He seemed to have fun and asked if he could join the game full time, I was delighted! In the beginning we would talk after sessions and I would ask his advice, he was so helpful and encouraging. However, as the game continued over the next couple of months, he began reaching out to me with suggestion, then telling me what I needed to do better and what rules I had forgotten during each session. I became incredibly anxious each time we played and on more than one occasion had panic attacks before sessions. When I broke down and told him how stressed I was he offered to take the game off my hands and I thought that would be best. I left my group to let him run things and felt defeated. However, a few weeks later, one of the other players reached out to me, saying that they missed our game and the other game had fizzled out. I talked to my brother and the other players who also expressed wanting to continue our old game. We decided to continue playing without telling the other dm and I have since regained my confidence as a dm. My brother still feels guilty about excluding his friend, the forever dm, which makes me feel guilty too but I feel too anxious about having him back at my table. Judges were we wrong for continuing on behind this friend’s back?

Dave Large

Most exonerated judges and the tricksy baliff, I present the case of the party vs pop culture. Mid pandemic, I found myself playing in a game with classmates. The dm was fairly new, but more than a few sessions under his built. We made our way to a town that was heavily inspired by a CW show with a red head protagonist and one of the Sprouse twins. He went to great creative lengths to adapt almost the entire cast of notable characters into DnD npcs, complete with tweaked names and species likenesses. Soon, combat began and here is where things went up river. The combat initially looked daunting and not possible to be won until the town came to our aid. In a similar vein to the 25 npc case from the last convening of the crit, it very quickly became the dm vs himself, with our party of 6 pcs quickly becoming bored as the dm went through each NPC’s created BY HAND character sheet to have them help us. He ended the combat with a dramatic stinger of one of the npcs being killed in front of us as a show of force despite our routing of the enemy, but we all left the session feeling a bit deflated. So I humbly prostrate myself and await your judgement on should we have spoken up and asked for more engagement in the combat or should the DM just write a book already?

Emily Bocchino

Dear absolutely drop dead gorgeous judges who could steal anyone's girlfriends, and the widdle baby bawiff jwake who is doing his widdle big boy job: I'm in a d&d campaign that's been going great, with friends of my family that has become a truly delightful Sunday brunch tradition. We are playing magical cleaners, with differing interesting backstories as to why they've dropped so low to clean up the messes of others. When given our most recent choices of jobs from our cleaning job board, as a party we selected the one on a ship in the ocean- in hopes of helping out one of our party members, a sailor paladin, find out what happened to his lost crew. However judges, the following week when we got to the table, the DM informed us that we'd all become pirates. My character is an old retired gnome barbarian, my friend is playing a druid kankoo who needs to find out why their forest is dying (not really water optimized)- so I said lightheartedly: "haha, but we won't be pirates forever, right?" To which my DM said "oh god, oh no. I really thought you all would want to convert to doing only pirate stuff. I've only thought about pirate stuff for the foreseeable future" and her partner followed with, "if you don't want to be a pirate you have to tell us right now." I awkwardly laughed it off, and we played anyway. Judges I ask you - was I in the wrong for questioning my DM? Or was our cleaning job turned campaign turn unjustified? For more insight we've been playing as pirates since then, I've been turned into a wereshark so I'm now dependent on the water, and the DM has tried to drown us all multiple times since we aren't optimized for water. I'm left confused and in need of your guidance and justice, so help me Gods.

Garrett Myers

***Case Update from the “Cheeky DM”*** To the debased and disbarred (if all goes well with my appeals case) judges and the spineless simp Jimp Dirkdick: Congratulations “justices.” My players now think they have an ounce of decency even though I continuously provide evidence to the contrary. I’ve sent my case to the Supreme Dungeon Court, headed by infallible Three Black Halfing Truine. However, because I’m a sane and reasonable DM I’ve given into your flawed logic and provided my PCs with your judgement: they each get to have “one cheeky roll” during the campaign. So far so good, but I will post again once my “awesome” (-Jort Turdblitz) world has been destroyed by their now sanctioned dumbassery. Happy fucking new year. Shout out to 2018 Brian: you were cooler, smarter, and likely more handsome. Love, The Cheeky DM PS: hate the show never listened.

Xanian Jamfalcon

May it please the crit and the lyrical bailiff. This is an account not from my own experience but from my current DM of a past campaign, and a preemptively ghosted problem player! The player in question came over to the DMs home to discuss the upcoming campaign and make their character. They entered the apartment and saw the DM's girlfriend watching TV and muttered "Game of Thrones. Huh." Without even saying hello and proceeded to the bedroom where the DM was waiting at their computer to walk the player through the character creation process. The player ignored the DM and Macho Man Randy Savage style performed an elbow-drop onto the bed and started rolling around side-to-side for several minutes. When he finally calmed down the DM asked him about the character he wanted to play and the player said "Oh yeah I know what I want to play! A Goblin bard!" And immediately started doing the loudest horrible falsetto Goblin voice for the rest of the character creation process, including when he started singing the songs he already came up with. His voice was loud enough to echo off the walls. The DM tolerated this player's antics stoically and after he left, never spoke to him about the game again. Should the DM have given this player the chance to sing his heart's desire or was he right to ghost him? PS: the player also insulted the girlfriend's fried chicken and asked if her female cousin was single. After he left, the girlfriend said he is never allowed in their house again.

Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone

To the honorable judges and that super cute bailiff who doesn't get enough credit for being as awesome as he is. I bring you a case for Dice Church. I a first time DM am guiding a wonderful table through a horror TTRPG in which they were trapped in a haunted castle facing down their worst fears. I was rolling on d6's with special die that when they rolled a 1 the players got something and when they rolled a six they were attacked by the entity holding them hostage. One of my players was rolling so bad in her fear room and I felt terrible because she was a first time player and she was having trouble speaking up at the table. I rolled against her in her room when she attempted to talk to the entity tracking her and got double sixes which would have seriously hurt her character maybe killing them. I decided to fudge the roll and make it a set of ones to give her a cool magic item and some backstory information instead. Please tell me if I overstepped in trying to make the game more fun or if I made a good choice and deserve a blessing. Thank you,

Annika

To the lavender-scented judges and the pea-scented bailiff Jake. I bring forth the case of the illiterate dragon: My boyfriend DMs a campaign with me and my sisters. My pact of the chain warlock was in a trial that involved stealing an egg guarded by a dragon and her magical wards. For my turn, I had my lovely pseudodragon familiar (who can understand common and draconic) fly to the egg and read the draconic glyphs guarding it, then translate the details to me via our telepathic bond. My dm ruled that my familiar can’t read because “although it understands draconic, it cannot speak”. I lost the argument but have since stayed salty. Judges, am I wrong to be offended on behalf of my son who is a very smart and special boy?! I prostrate myself before your 80 foot tall bench.

Gabriel Balog

To the most honorable judges and to the bailiff that went so low that, following PacMan rules, became elevated. I bring you the case of the NAPPER'S REVENGE. 😴🤜🧙‍♂️ My older cousin invited me to play in a Pathfinder campaign with some of his friends and, even tho I'm DnD's little bitch, I got excited (especially about my PC, Arthur PenGaton). On the first session, the party was preparing to rest before an invasion that would happen in a few hours, and I started happily interacting with the Magus, asking him about magic. That’s when it began... The Sorcerer, impatient to start the long rest, said: "You want to see a cool spell?" and casted Sleep on the party. The spell lasts 1min so, when the Magus woke up, he stated that he was "attacked" and "would have his revenge". They rolled initiative and, in one turn, the Magus dropped the Sorcerer with punches. He would keep going and kill the guy if the DM, my cousin, wouldn't have said that the invasion was starting and we had to deal with it. The group was silent, we never played again, and I miss my unused PC. Judges, I beg of thee to awnser: what the fuck just happened? Who's fault was it? PS. Love from São Paulo, Brazil 🇧🇷

Diana Muckey

To the noble judges and the Baliff of many crits, I have brought to you a crime that has weigh on me for years now, I made a Ryan Urphy. In my old game that I dm'd online I had wanted to womp my friends of a tiefling bard/rouge, a gunslinger warforge, and a paladin aarakocra who were all level 12. So I created a giant paladin man named Jack Gillian with an armor class of 30 with immunites to everything but psychic. Once the combat began I quickly realized I had fucked up and after a few rounds (and two nat 20s from the paladin) and gave him a second slightly weaker phase. We are all good friends still and continuely talk about how bad i made the encounter. I ask for punishment of whatever severity you choose for this crime of creating the real Ryan Urphy.

Allen S

To the Venerated Dice Elders, and the Acololyte that "Always wakes up with a solid 9", I present my confession, which stems from a powerful moment in a late-campaign fight. We were up against a dragon we *needed* to take down right here as part of a greater battle. We were well spaced out to avoid breath attacks, and strategy seemed to be going well. However, once we started to get it to death's door, the Dragon unleashed an Wing Attack on the fighter to knock prone as a Legendary action, and then had it's turn next, choosing to dash-fly away, leaving it 200 feet away from us total. It seemed we had no attacks that could hit in that range in a single round. A hush fell over the group as the Fighter was lamenting she had been so close to taking it down head on. Fortunately, it wasn't her turn; it was mine, and I saw an opportunity only my character could do! I was playing a Trickster Cleric / Rogue Mastermind multiclass, so first I bonus-action dashed 60 feet to put a hand on the Fighter. Then, with a Jens Lyndelle-worthy flourish, Dimension Door'd both of us onto the back of the escaping Dragon! I immediately got yeeted off by the Dragon's Legendary Action to a significant but non-lethal amount of damage, but the Fighter stood strong, got their turn, and Action-surged the Dragon into the dirt! The time I had invested into my Multi paid off in a huge way, and I can still hear the roars of the table. ...But here's the confession: Forgive me, Dice Elders, but I was *65* feet away from the Fighter. I had enough turns to sit there, plot out this epic plan, and realize I couldn't. Never the less, when it was my turn, I went with it anyway, sliding my mini across the board to the target. Normally our DM watches move distance with care and/or scorn, but I think the fact I only needed to move in a straight line concealed the slight of hand on my part. No one else at the table was any the wiser. To this day, I have to admit... I'm glad I did it. However, I acknowledge that memory comes with an asterisk, and that it looms in my brain enough that I think about it every time a Dice Christ comes up, so I figured it was time to atone. I humbly await your whomping. PS if Ally is the guest, I'm Libra / Pisces rising.

Jake's Wife's Boyfriend

The Case of the Failed Astral Pirate: Hello Honorable Judges and Daddy Bailiff, I played in a campaign where the premise is essentially a villainous Hogwarts. The DM put me and another PC in a situation where we had to fight to the death. Being uncomfortable with PvP, I told my DM before the session I was planning on escaping to the Astral plane to avoid the combat altogether and was fine playing a new character and writing this one off with a new backup character prepped. I looted the school's magical items, said my goodbyes to my closest friends, and used a portable hole and bag of holding to launch myself into the Astral plane with the intention of becoming a planar pirate. My DM said after 6 hours in material plane time, I appeared back in the same spot from where I had left because my character decided to come back. Since our game was streamed live, I didn't want to fight him about character motivation online even though I felt it made no sense. In the end, both PC's were killed as the victor of the fight was hit by a power word kill by the school's headmaster. Our bodies were then tossed into lava destroying any chance of revivify along with all of our magic items. I ask you, was I wrong for trying to avoid the combat and send off my character the way I wanted? Should I have accepted the PvP and put my feelings as a player/friend aside in an "evil" campaign? P.S. the DM's now wife who played with us told me he had said the session before that me and the other PC involved "are cockroaches who refuse to die"... I eagerly await your decision.

Jason Rodriguez

Dear powerful judges and the bailiff who is so low it puts him on top (I don't remember his name though). I bring forward a plea to have a player roll with permanent disadvantage. I've been DM'ing an open table for over 2 years, and one of my regular players is making things difficult to set difficulties. On average, 80% of his rolls with modifiers are over 20. This includes skill checks, attack rolls, and saving throws. I sometimes think his dice are weighted, but it's not clear, even when I asked another player to watch his rolls. It's gotten to a point where one of the hosts at our gamestore has told me his rolls are unnaturally high. I've considered making skill checks that he does a higher DC, but his lycan bloodhunter has advantage on almost all intelligence checks. I know it wouldn't be fair to this player, but he simply can't be good at everything. Not only am I asking for a solution, but also some bad moon water to splash on his dice the next time he sits at my table.

Felix Principe-gillespie

To the bountiful justices and others in attendance I come to you with a case of preventative PvP . A few months ago my party and I came across an imprisoned white dragon who asked that we light a nearby object to set him free. My character, an old wizard made clear, we really shouldn’t trust this dragon. The Dragonborn in the party disagreed. We tried talking but eventually they said they were done talking and going to free the dragon. I attacked, PvP began, my wizard was beaten to death, the dragon was freed whereupon it killed the rest of the party. We tried playing a few times after but the vibes were off and we went our separate ways. I ask justices, did I commit a crime, or can PvP by justified when it’s for the good of the party. I await your verdict.

Mr BirdClaw

To the Crinkle-Cut Justices and Angus Beef Bailiff, I present the case of the Absent Player’s Death Save: back when I first started to DM, I ran the first part of Strixhaven for my friends. As an adventure in a magic school, I assumed the module would account for a party made up exclusively of squishy spell-casters. I was wrong. The players would all stand at the edges of each room they entered and flee from any monster that came within 60 feet during fights. After the first combat, we talked it out and the sorcerer and warlock agreed to go up to the frontline during combat, though no one wanted to re-stat their characters for close range. In the final fight of the module, the sorcerer realized she had a crucial appointment IRL and left immediately, giving me control of her character. Unfamiliar with juggling PCs and enemies during combat , I placed her at the front as usual, thinking I could spread the damage between the two PCs. Nope! The warlock got knocked to low health and fled to the back, while the remaining three PCs kept their distance, whittling down the HP of the monster and casting Tasha’s mind whip on it. The monster now unable to both attack and move in one turn, and this likely the final round of combat in the entire adventure, I had the monster attack the only thing still in range: the sorcerer I controlled, whose turn was immediately after the monster’s. She was downed immediately, and had been the party’s only healer! She managed to recover after 2 tense failed death saves, and our group has had a lot of great adventures since then. I throw myself to the mercy of the court: was I really at fault for nearly killing a player character after the player left mid-finale?

Helena VanNatter

May it please the Supreme Crit, dear Honorable Justices, and the humbly handsome Baliff Hurwitz; I present: the case of the druid who couldn't hit. During a level 20 one-shot, I played a druid and couldn't hit an aspect of Tiamat. I only had +6 to hit with my weapon and her AC was over 26. I rolled multiple natural 20s during the session, but mathematically, I didn't hit the AC, so the DM ruled I wasn't able to do any damage. I believe I should've been able to hit anyways if I rolled a natural 20, because a critical hit is a critical hit; it's doing the near impossible. I even tried to barter, asking if I could hit on a nat20 and not do crit damage, only normal damage; my DM denied this, leaving me with basically nothing to do during the one-shot. This was a few years ago, so I don't remember why I wasn't able to hit with any spells, but regardless, my DM made it impossible for me to hit the BBEG and practically rendered my character useless due to the way they were built.* Should I have been able to hit on a weapon attack with a nat20, even if I didn't technically hit the AC? I humbly wait your ruling and will graciously accept any and all conclusions you reach. *quick note if questions arise: the plot of the one-shot was a complete surprise. We as PCs only knew to make a level 20 character, and to expect a combat that was balanced for a party of 5 level 20 characters. I'm not the most experienced player, so my PC was built for fun, not to min-max my abilities. - Helena (huh-lay-nuh) V.

Gonzalez_r

May it please the court and pleasure the bailiff. I stand accused of “lying” to my players. I created an encounter inspired by the High Inquisitor boss fight from the Halls of Atonement in World of Warcraft. In this fight, the boss will attempt to heal himself by draining HP from non-aggressive NPCs sitting in church pews. Players must try to kill them as fast as possible before engaging the boss. My encounter had a similar scenario. My players did an insight check on the NPCs to determine if they were a threat, and they rolled alright but not great, so I said that these NPCs would not retaliate if attacked. When the guy they were fighting drained HP from them, they did another insight check, and I told them that if they attacked these NPCs, they wouldn’t do anything. The fight was a slog and my players never attempted to kill the NPCs in the congregation, which had extremely low HP and would have been easy to slice through. After, I said they were supposed to kill the NPCs to make the fight easier, but they all got mad and said I made it clear that the NPCs didn’t matter and there was nothing they could do about them. I responded by saying I never said that, but only that they wouldn’t fight back and weren’t aggressive. Did I do a bad job responding to their insight checks? Did I make it seem like the NPCs the bad guy was using to heal himself were a feature they could do nothing about? Thank you.

Jen

Helloooo!!!!! Judges!!! I’ll jump right in!! So we’re at a tavern, my character is a hot lesbian bugbear eloquence bard and we’re trying to find some spies here. I asked the bartender about the menu because immersion and our dm rattled random food items off and then got to ‘Aarakocra wings, ya know, like buffalo wings.’ My character then got weirded out and asked about cannibalism but then the bartender said “but buffaloes don’t have wings” and I’m like “but Aarakocras do??” And then my party tells me IM the weird one!! Anyway, we didn’t find the spies because I beefed the introduction but we all had a great time and fell into a sewer fight. But judges, am I the weirdo?? Aarakocra wings is cannibalism???

Ben

Oh highly esteemed and Judicial members of the crit, thank you for seeing me. And thank you, Mrs Axford for opening the door for me- very kind of you. When I Was younger, about 14, I had just then been getting into DnD, and had decided to witness a game my friends were going to at a local gaming store. I was browsing Amazon for a dice set, and showed my friend next to me, who pointed to my screen and said 'Oo, yeah, get those' Fast forward a couple weeks, and I get a small parcel on ym doorstep. Confused, I opened it to find the blue-swirled-purple dice set that my friend had pointed to. In retrospect, what had actually happened was that he had pressed the 'buy now' button, and automatically shipped the dice to my home. I'm not too salty about it, but he did vicariously spend 7 of 14 year old me's dollars. Was he dice christ, or lead by dice christ, or am I looking too far into an accident? P.s. yes, I still have the dice

Eric and Andrea Benoit

Dear most honorable justices and the bailiffs of varying quality. A few years ago I was returning to DND after decades off. Inspired by the start of dimension 20. I had a friend invite me to his pathfinder game and I gladly joined. It was a very crunchy game that required written backstory and the gm had a rule that if you want to play something outside the core rulebook you needed to bring the physical book to the game. I poured over the books and created a sweet assassin character. I found a combo that resulted in essentially a 1 shot kill and I was super excited. I brought the combo to the attention of the GM to ensure it works. He said that it was cool and he had never thought of it. So the first session starts. I wait about an hour for my chance to introduce my character to the party, get my custom 3d printed mini ready, awkwardly convince the party to trust me and then about 5 minutes late a bad guy assassinates my character using the exact combo I had come up with. So after buying the book, printing the character, writing the backstory he loved for all of 5 minutes and I had to start all over. I continued to play in the group for a couple more months but eventually left not enjoying the game and started dm'ing my own game which I have been doing ever since including hundreds of sessions and even doing some for charity. But I am still bitter about my friend using my combo to kill my character right away.

Conifer

Dearest Dice Diocese, deeply devoted defenders of Dice Christ's divine doctrine, I bare my wretched soul before you and beg for the damnation I deserve. During 2020 Covid lockdown, my good college friend organized weekly D&D hangouts on Discord, which I attended on my bed. During one fateful afternoon one-shot, I, with headset donned and 3 cherished companions on the call, fell asleep. I awoke roughly 4 hours later, still in the call, alone. I still see these friends regularly, and none ever uttered a word regarding my folly. However, I recently realized a detail that turns my deepest shame into a crime worthy of damnation: I snore. Please rend my soul from my flesh and cast it into the deepest pit known to Dice Christ, where my slumber shall disrupt this world no further.

Captain Morgan Pirate Wizard

But Murph Emily Axford if DnD isnt about stealing "girlfriends" then why did my relationship decline starting with them leaving our online campaign and joining their in person one and falling in love with one of their friends!!!! Im too trusting and still moved 2000 mile to live with them despite all the red flags!

ROMCOM

Dearest bailiff. I present to you the court of the Ferret Fiasco When I was but a humble baby DM *cough*three weeks ago*cough* the party came across to a stone laboratory in a mountain. The entrance door, as I should note here, is not locked, and there is no one in the entire building. The party converse for a little while about what they want to do, talking about how there could be enemies on the other side of the door. One of the party members is a transmuter wizard, and another member has a pet ferret. They decide that the transmuter wizard will turn part of the stone door to wood for the ferret to chew it’s way through, until it gets to the other side, see who is there, and come back to talk to them. I allow these shenanigans. When the ferret comes back, they ask to talk to the little guy. I say “Sure, who had ‘speak with animals’?” When they realise none of them have the spell, they got annoyed at me for not explaining they would need to talk to the ferret to understand him. Once we got over that bump, the party use the ferret to pick the lock on the stone door (which… is unlocked). When I claim that none of the ferrets attempts yields any clicking sound, the party again get annoyed at me for creating an “uncrackable puzzle”. Justices, was I right to amount their efforts to vain, even though there was no one behind the unlocked door. The party still (playfully) argue with me about this, and while we still all laugh, i’m competitive. I’m also willing to bribe 3 scrambled eggs and a limp handshake for Murph’s approval.

frogwithhumanhands

Honorable Justices of the Supreme Crit and Jar Jar Binksliff, I present the case of the Will-O-Wisp Swarm. I was DMing the second or third session of a homebrew campaign for my sister and her friends and had the idea to have them fight a group of Will-O-Wisps and flavor them like undead pixies (tying into a corrupting magical force). I gave them an NPC cleric to fight with, as their cleric is still trying to remember to heal and not swing, and then tossed them in to the encounter to rescue some tabaxi who'd gone missing from a local village. Upon seeing the glowing motes of light, the baby cleric suspiciously cast detect undead and found the orbs to indeed be undead, at which point, they attacked the party. Judges, I will admit that I balanced the encounter late at night and half asleep and gave them 10 Will-O-Wisps to fight that acted as swarm with one HP pool. They were a 4 person level 3 party (plus an NPC). The baby cleric cast turn undead and I had 5 flee, but even then it was a slog that was making them frustrated and my players are cursed with a DM who rolls amazingly well - I ended up faking so many roles and docked the hell out of the HP pool. But this is not a confessional. The next session, I pretended that I had planned for it to be that hard and that they had been accidentally sent out on a mission they were ill-prepared for and used it to create some tension between key NPCs and the players went nuts for it. Honorable justices, should I have admitted that I fucked up the encounter balancing and just taken a minute to fix it or did I save it by weaving it into their story? I humbly await your decision. (Since there's no opposing party, maybe I just get a little treat if I did a good job, like a mustard ice cream).

CJ Hallowell

Confession Your most Holy Justices (and still-maybe-holy-but-definitely-less-so bailiff) I come to you not with a confession but a plea for Sanctuary. My husband (who has been playing along side me in multiple home games run over zoom) recently put together a fun going-away one shot for his coworker who was leaving the company. To make it extra special, he used his 3-D printer to make this coworker a unique D20. When he handed it to me, I looked it over thinking he had put the company logo on it as a remembrance. Your Honors, there was no number less than a 16 on this die. The dawning horror must have spread across my face because he insisted ‘It’s just for fun! I want them to do well!’ He has given it to the co-worker but I fear the taint of it remains. Will dice christ condemn our PCs to nat 1s as punishment for this foul transgression? I implore you all, but in particular Justice Axford, how do I cleanse my home of this most infernal object from the dice devil?

Fett_BobaFett

To the nigh godly Justices, and I guess the lowly⁹ Bailiff Axford, too; I present to you the case of a Wannabe Murderhobo DM. This group started the third campaign I've been a part of a few months ago. For the most part, I like his DMing. But I have a gripe with how he seems to always want to kill player characters. He even makes constant jokes about killing PCs in our group chat. In the first campaign (I joined late), he attacked a character making Death Saving Throws and killed her character. Luckily, I was able to bring them back with Revivify. Later in the same campaign, he attacked that character again with a Purple Worm. After swallowing her character, he was just going to have the Worm leave, having "...fed, and doesn't need any more food." The only reason she escaped was because of Dimension Door, and he still made her roll a Survival Check to go the correct direction, which she did, or just be buried and immediately crushed and killed. In the previous campaign, he killed our Cleric by attacking him while making Death Saving Throws, going so far as to Counterspell the only healing spell any other character had, and we had no recourse. And finally in this latest campaign, he did the same against my Druid (the only healing capable character). With everyone else's character in the red and close to a TPK, there was basically a revolt before he made any attack rolls. After comments all around, including his wife saying, "Playing like that isn’t fun for us," he left it to roll. When the roll (1-10 attacks and 11-20 moves on) went my way, he was obviously disappointed. Justices, and the BaiWIFF if she hasn't been stripped of her duties by now, are we wrong to rebel against his desire to give PCs the forever yeet, or is he wrong to constantly make attempts on our make believe lives?

RomanProphet

To the magnanimous justices of the Supreme Crit and also Bailiff Jake, damned devil’s kith and kin: the Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, and fool of all the world and underworld; I present to you the case of the Self-Eating Dragon Our group has had an long-term Pathfinder 1e campiaign and my DM, who I can only think to describe as 'shockingly permissive', allowed me play a character who, unbeknownst to the rest of the party, had originally been born a black dragon, who had been slain by a party of adventurers and then reincarnated by a druid, his soul relocated into a human body. Now, as part of a larger plot arc, our party was required to attend a dinner gala at a noble's mansion. Everything went fine, until dessert, when the maître d' decided to serve everyone a 'special delicacy': Dragon Brain. You can probably put the rest together on your own, but long story short, the party ended with my character eating part of his own brain. It's now been a running gag that my character is, technically, a cannibal, to the point that other party members will introduce him as such to NPCs. Obviously it's all in good fun, but I would very much like a ruling on the matter, o' great and wise justices: Is it technically autocannibalism if your soul has transmigrated into another body? And does my poor cleric deserve a bit of a break from all the jokes? I eagerly await your judgement.

Varenum_The_Cleric

May it please the court, the illustrious crit judges, and whoever else is in the room I suppose. I submit to you the case of the Shady Gnomish Dogpile. In my first session joining a Curse of Strahd campaign, I was playing a level 8 gnomish GOO warlock named Peek. Through a series of poor choices Peek became embroiled in a 1 vs 7 throwdown with some guards, all weaklings with 1HP. To avoid doing lethal spell damage, I cast darkness and thought I could use my devils sight to bonk them all on the head with advantage before they could get too many disadvantaged hits in the dark. However, after 1 round the guards opted to grapple, which the DM said did not require an attack roll, just a straight strength check. My tricksy little gnome (tee hee) of course got overpowered by a tidal wave of goons. Justices, should DM have imposed some disadvantage to the guards due to the darkness, or did this gnome get exactly what gnomes deserve? I await the honour of your judgement and will take it with all the grace of a city pigeon.

Tabaxi Driud Sarah

To the Most Radical Supreme Justices Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and Guest and the Boss Baby Bailiff Jake I present the case of the Gelatinous Conundrum. I was playing with some friends and we encountered a gelatinous cube. My un-dexterous cleric got engulfed by it and I asked if I could cast misty step to get out. However, misty step has a verbal component, so the debate began - can you cast it inside the cube? Point for: - it's gelatinous, not liquid, so it wouldn't immediately rush into my mouth (like, you can take a chunk out of jello and it won't fill in immediately) and since I would have taken a deep breath before engulfment, I should have enough air for one spell Point against: - you can't talk without air, so you can't cast the spell After some debate, the DM ruled a compromise: if I passed a DC 15 CON check, I could cast it. Naturally, I got a 10 and with my -1 strength, I couldn't get out. I then continued to comedically fail every subsequent save until the cube died. This was all friendly because we're adults who like each other, but I'm writing because we tried googling to see if there was anything online clarifying the rules of this and there wasn't. So, I'm writing to the court as our highest D&D Authority to ask them to consider setting the Gelatinous Precedent. Many thanks. Sarah aka Tabaxi Druid P.S. My cats Trixie Meowtel and Jake Purralta and I hope that the 2 crew and the 2 critters are all safe xo P.P.S. Can't wait to see Emily and Murph at MSG next week... I'm in the front row and cosplaying Sophia and SO EXCITED!

Sam Ross

Bless me, Dice Christ, for I have sinned. In the after school D&D game that I run, I made a truly grievous error in front of 13 year-olds and was bullied for it, but possibly not enough. The teens were getting ready to go on an adventure into a forest, and were questioning a local as to why no one went into the forest. I was trying to be coy and make it seem the townsfolk were afraid of the animals and bugs, so in a scratchy squeaky voice I had the townsperson state that "there's a lot of insects in the woods." The problem is, that when you're doing a scratchy squeaky voice, the word "insects" sounds just like a very, very different word. A disastrously different word. Yep, that one. The session ground to a halt, as I, a 40 year old man, was mercilessly razzed by a half dozen teenagers. It was a righteous razzing. But I still feel it might not be enough for something I will never live down in front of these kids. What penance is appropriate to regain the favor of Dice Christ?

ant the knee

To the judges- oh my god? what the hell? who let a baby in this court to preside over my case...i mean i guess that's fine. To the justices, baby AND otherwise, i bring the case of an Arm for a Head. I was dming Tyranny of Dragons a year ago with a group of all new players. The end of session one has the party meeting a very, very powerful bbeg. He has the mayor hostage, and says he will behead him unless someone takes his place to fight. Justices, it's an unwinnable fight. I made this very clear. It is supposed to rile up the party for when they kill him after the level up a bit. The party had a strong fighter, at full hp, who could take maybe a hit or 2. Instead, the level 1 wizard who is at 2 hp insists he go instead. I warn against this, but my friend insists. The bbeg crits, and brings the wizard down to triple his max hp. I didn't want the party to be punished so severely for taking big risks. I didn't want my friend to lose their character in his first ever session. So, i narrate the bbeg slicing off the wizards arm instead. To make a long story short, the wizard was very happy with this in the moment and excited at the possibility of a one armed wizard. however, he later dmed me asking if the character should have died. I explain the lingering injuries mechanic. He got super mad, calling me a coward for sparing the wizards life. He refused to play with us, and the party kept playing as if nothing happened. Simply, he wasn't missed. So I ask, was I a coward? Should obviously stupid moves I warn against result in certain death for newbies, or was my grace justified?

Carly Collette

May it please the interested justices and the ill-prepared baliff: I come to you with a query rather than a case— in my current campaign, i am a ranger/cleric of the raven queen. Our bard/champion cleric of the wildmother moved, releasing his character via sacrifice. Given recent time warp events, i have asked the bard if i have anything of his so that i may potentially contact both of our gods. Am i wrong to do such a thing, or is character interaction allowed beyond the player leaving?

Cubsguy108

Most honorable justices and [insert insult for Jerk here]. I come to you with a fairly simple and straightforward case- can a player swap out feats when switching to a new system? My party (lvl 15) recently switched from 5E to the new rules, and I noticed that my first chosen feat (first PC ever made for me), Grappler, I had never used once in the 3ish years our campaign has been going. DM gave me the all-clear to pick something else, but my roommate, another party member, vehemently disagrees, saying “you live with your mistakes”. So justices, should I have been allowed to swap my feat out for something better suited to my playstyle, or should I have to live with my grave error?

Oscar Cozens

To the justices and bailiff, who must all look inside themselves to determine their own honour, I started playing Curse of Strahd with a group of strangers I met from a local DnD Facebook group. We were getting along really well (especially for a group of strangers) and the campaign was a perfect mix of fun and terrifying. That is, until it stopped being fun. We were in the Amber Temple, and all of us failed Wisdom saves to be stuck transfixed looking at a statue until we died, except for one. The monk of our party saved, and instead of trying anything to help the rest of the party, the player decided that he would leave the temple and go look for a new party, leaving the rest to die. On his way out, he had a quick conversation with an NPC who then saved the rest of us, but the monk was gone. Our characters were all pissed off about being explicitly abandoned like that, especially the rogue who had well-established trust issues and had opened up to trusting the monk (and only the monk) over the course of the campaign, but the monk and his player both thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Over the two weeks before the next session, the rest of us all slowly became more frustrated with the choice to not even try to help the rest of the group. This player left the group after a couple more sessions, and we continued on happily to finish the module (and the first campaign I’ve ever played all the way to the end of). Justices, was it wrong of us to be mad that a player wouldn’t try to help the rest of the party, or is this level of self-preservation reasonable?

Josh Durham

Dear most omnipotent judges and most impotent bailiff Jeeves, I present to the court today the case of the early extinguished ex-flame. I was a player in a campaign where a group of players each took turns either running a game or playing in one. It was a large group with a dozen or so players which made it so you rarely played with the same table twice. My character was a half elf, half dwarf Barbarian who moved where the wind took him, but had a past adventuring party consisted of an old flame of his and a brother he spoke of on occasion. During one of the sessions where we were directed to retrieve a stolen piece of jewelry a player I had never played with before was throwing some red flags very early on. They played a royal noble character who was above everyone else and was trying to force an in-game relationship on another players character. Around the half-way mark of the session we were in an old theatre and happened upon the thief who turned out to be a member of my old adventuring party and my characters old flame who I had spoken of earlier on in the session. The DM made mention of this when we made eye contact across the theatre and they yelled out to me, as I did to them. When this information was exposed the player in question was on the side of the theatre with the NPC and I was on the other. The DM described how the NPC tried to shove the other players character and run and things got heated as they confronted her. I tried to make the distance up by swinging on a chandelier to the other side which I did successfully but was unable to get within range to stop what was coming. On the next round the player took out their sword and attacked twice, both of which hit. The DM described after the first hit how the NPC looked shocked as they yelled out to me and was trying to get away but the player proceeded to attack again. When the DM described how they knocked the NPC out they player replied with “I am doing lethal damage that’s why I used my sword, they attacked me first”. The DM allowed the second hit to go through lethally, killing the NPC from my backstory. I tried my best to roleplay a heartfelt moment where I held the NPC but I felt deflated the rest of the session. The player who killed the NPC spent the rest of the session calling out how I was being a downer and kept telling me that if they hadn’t done what they did we would have lost the jewelry. After the session I mentioned to the DM and player that I didn’t feel comfortable having no say in a character from my backstories ending, let alone not ever being able to even talk to them but the player said he was doing what his player would do and that he was attacked first and the DM was silent. I humbly ask the court, was the player in the wrong for idly killing an NPC in my backstory when they were given multiple outs, should the DM have intervened more or was I not being upfront enough out of character in the moment? I humbly await your judgement.

Bubbalo Dee

Hi! To the baby boy bayliff, the wife worm axford, and to the judges Murphy and Tanner and others I bring you the case of the dancing Bard I’m playing for the first time, and one of my players is dming for the first time in a Noir fantasy New York . I’m planning on playing a support bard, and taking the collage of dance bard from 2024, but I’m worried that is going to ruin the atmosphere if my bard is doing the worm in a tense situation. Should I choose a different bard subclass? Or can I be a bard who does the worm Many thanks and good luck to Jake for his first time DMing

Owen Rath

May it please the court. Or, rather, the clergy men and women of the Crit. I come with a confession. In my first ever D&D game, I played a character who could not swim. This detail was integral to my backstory, stemming from a traumatic experience my character had as a child. A few sessions in, the party finds ourselves trying to infiltrate a city through an aqueduct. Sensing this might be a problem for me, I just pretended to “forget” my character couldn’t swim and accompanied my party. My DM, trying to balance a party of 6 players, didn’t notice. I don’t know what to do with myself. The guilt has been eating me alive. I beg for the Crit’s forgiveness.

Thorbjorn

To the superfluous judges and dice whisperer bailiff I wright in behalf of a coworker who had a campaign that started at level 20. the pc’s being newer to dnd makes the lvl20 and the fact that the first encounter a terask fight (while on an airship they had to take turns to move around) a truly baffling and rough first experience with the beautiful game we all love. Ps he has began to make a campaign of his own and we will play later this week and I am happy I can help him with getting a group together. Thank you

DisClever

May it please the Crit and the lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely Bailiff Emily, I present you with the case of Take My Breath Away. While we were dating, and before I knew a single iota about D&D, I was just attending my now-spouse/DM's session. They offered to let me play their low level baddies during combat and explained some basic mechanics. A few turns in and my little multicolored kobold monsters were kicking ass with a variety of breath weapons. I got ready for my turn in combat, dice in hand, and was told I no longer had breath weapons. Not knowing about the recharge mechanic on such things, I started proceeding with weak bite attacks. The party made it through and my passion for DND was ignited. I found out YEARS later that my very first session was full of lies. My DM was concerned about a TPK, and knowing I didn't know any rules, took my breath weapons away. Justices, was my darling DM wrong for stealing my (thunder) damage, or should I forgive them for thwarting my first time in the warm light of Dice Christ? If it sways the Court and Bailiff's favor, I did have One Big Bed as the closing song on our wedding reception playlist when we got married this year. Signed, The Breathless Bride

Devin

I drag myself into your twenty-sided confessional booth seeking the wisdom of Dice Christ. A while back, my friends and I decided to try D&D and I volunteered to DM. I picked a module and helped my friends build characters. One friend went above and beyond and gave me a two-page backstory for his barbarian, Tollywog III. Five minutes into our first combat encounter, an orc crit on Tollywog, who had not yet gone into a rage. I rolled well with my damage dice, and, misunderstanding how crits work, doubled the total, doing over double Tollywog’s max HP and splitting the poor bastard in half. My friend was bummed out, but he brought Tollywog IV to the next session and we have been playing in my homebrew campaigns for over four years now. I petition you: can I be forgiven, or will Tollywog III’s blood forever stain the dice that roll limply from the fingers of a sinner?

Robert Stegmann

To the cromulent Justices, Brian "Murph" Murphy, Emily "Wife Worm" Axford, Caldwell "Flip a DVD" Tanner and the unsung Baliff, Jake "The Cake" Hurwitz, I present the case of the Slime of the Century. This happened nearly nine years ago, but I am still a bit salty. My older brother was DMing for me and my friends in 9th grade, and we were all very new to the game. Our party consisted of my generic human rogue, a dragonborn sorcerer, a paladin based on DJ Khaled, and Shrek, a half-orc barbarian flavoured as an ogre. In our 3rd session, we were tasked with escorting the seven dwarves on a mining trip where we encountered two gelatinous cubes. Things quickly went south. I found myself with the rest of the party stuck in a cube and several dwarves dead. Our DM told us that we could try to succeed a skill check before an attack to do double damage. Desperate, I got the remaining dwarves to form a ramp so I could do an acrobatics check over the cube to do extra damage. I failed, and fell in. My dumbassery ended up having one of the party members being spit out, which resulted in the rest of my party surviving but my character being quickly dissolved. After the session, I looked up the stat block for gelatinous cubes and found they had a challenge rating of 2, making this was a very deadly encounter. I felt that this lead to PC dying unfairly. I questioned my brother about why he made the encounter so deadly and he said that because the cubes are so slow, he expected us to attack with ranged attacks and keep out of the cubes range. He pointed out that he showed us the stat block when our sorcerer rolled a Nat 20 looking for a weak point on the cube and that we had the dwarves continue to mine instead of fighting (even though they had commoner stats). Was I right to be upset at my brother for giving us such a deadly encounter, or was my PC's death the fault of our lack of strategy and my dumbassery? I await your righteous judgment.

Kristina LaPointe

To all of the lovely judges and.. I don't know, I'm too tired to to remember the baliff's name I submit to you the case of " Being Left out of my own Campaign" For three years, I lovingly DMed a homebrew campaign, creating a detailed world for my players. Near the end (level 5- level 16), I expedited the story and spoiled my players with powerful magic items so they could achieve their goals before life pulled us apart. My partner, inspired by my work, started their own campaign set in my world, running it from level one and crafting the grimdark tone I originally envisioned but couldn’t fully realize due to time constraints. Now, with a one-month-old child, I can only attend part of the sessions, and I feel left out of the world I created as it grows and evolves without me. Am I justified in feeling excluded, or is this just the nature of collaborative storytelling? What can be done to help me feel more included?

Dylan S.

To the clergy of the High Crit Court and the Bewitching Bailiff who barely manages to keep them in like, Tucker or something I think. At the end of last year I was able to find a TTRPG campaign to join after searching for many years. I had briefly known the DM prior, but everyone else was new to me so I was nervous about joining the group. In our first session everything was going well. Simple social interactions and a small combat to get us acclimated and give a reason for our characters to bad together. Near the end of the combat I rolled a natural 20, the first of the campaign. I was obviously excited and the others congratulated me. I took it as a sign of good things to come. During my next turn it happened again, another natural 20. I was still excited and gleefully cut down another enemy. On my next turn I think you can guess what happened. 20 number 3. When I announced it I was significantly less enthused as I didn't want all at the table to think I was using weighted dice or playing unfairly and started to get nervous. Well, on my next turn my anxiety only got worse upon rolling a fourth natural 20. Upon seeing it I picked up the die and declared it was a natural 1 and continued on and thankfully that is where the crits stopped. Well, for me at least. Every single session since then my DM has critically hit, and almost one killed me, once per session. My character is relatively hearty being a Summoner (Pathfinder) but on these crits near maximum damage is always rolled. I am on my knees hoping that you all can guide me on how to make this right with Dice Christ and allow my summoner and his giant giant ferret not fear for their death every single day. Sidenote: very excited for the new campaign! I was very surprised when John was announced as the DM and I'm excited for the first episode when it is ready!

Talia Johnson

To the wondrous disciples of the church of Dice Christ, and fellow wife worm Emily. I write with not a confession, but an exaltation! I’ve played as a PC before, and when my last campaign failed, finally agreed to DM for a few family members. I was extremely nervous for all of 30 seconds into playing before I felt right at home. It was awesome. Then, of course, on the first roll in our first ever round of combat, I crit on my wife. I panicked a little at the idea of dropping her in the first round, so I did some funny business: I had her to do a dex check to dodge the hit because of a stellar perception check before initiative had started. Thank you to Naddpod for the years of listening that prepared me to DM so comfortably, and thank you to dice Christ for letting me crit on my wife. Tal

lizzy with a y

To the beautiful, magnanimous justices, may it please the court. I was playing in a campaign with a group of friends about a year ago. Around six or seven sessions in, the DM said, "I don't really like running combat, so this is going to be a more roleplay focused campaign from here on out if that's okay with all of you." Three of the five PCs were happy about this, as they prefer the roleplay part of the game; myself (a ranger) and one of my other friends (a fighter) were a little disappointed. I was fine to go along because I was a beast master ranger and my animal companion (a hawk named Barley) gave me plenty roleplay opportunities. My other friend, however, was a champion fighter. She asked if she could switch classes to something with more options for roleplay, since her entire character/all subclass abilities were built around combat, but the DM said no. The DM justified this by saying that we had already played enough sessions that it would be weird to change it when her champion subclass abilities had already come up multiple times. The campaign disbanded a few months later (no other combat encounters were run) due to other issues*, but I still feel my friend was wronged and should've been allowed to switch classes to something that had more utility outside of combat once the DM decided to make the campaign more roleplay heavy. Was the DM justified in telling my friend to stay a champion fighter despite not running combat, or am I correct in thinking this was a weird move that just served to decrease my friend's enjoyment of the remainder of the campaign? *In case the court is interested in the drama, two of the PCs who were dating in real life had also made their characters romance each other in a way that was (kudos to our DM) very interwoven with the plot of the campaign. They broke up, didn't want to keep playing romance, and the campaign kind of fell apart around that.

Krysha Syrin

Mighty & merciful justices of the court & Bashful Bailiff Mavid, I bring a case of Christmas-based tomfoolery, oppa Naddpod style. Myself & other members of the Naddpod discord played in an online Christmas-themed one-shot during the pandemic. It was in the midst of Campaign One & my Elven Druid, inspired by Moonshine, & our party found ourselves fighting a Sentient Christmas Tree in Santa's workshop. I had cast Flaming Sphere (sorry Murph) & because trees are flammable, it was highly effective. Herein lies the case. On their next turn, the tree used Ice Knife on my Druid. However, at the end of my turn, I had moved the Flaming Sphere in front of me, hoping it would be a shield from any tree-based attacks. I posited to my DM that the Ice Knife spell wouldn't work bc the ice would melt as it passed through the flames but my DM said the tree had just been burnt by the orb & would know to cast the spell in a way that avoided the fiery orb and that the spell isn't actually Ice, just a spell flavored as Ice. Judges, did my Druid pull a Zirk before Zirk existed or did my DM just want his Sentient Tree to get a few swings in while our party continued to be attacked by living Gingerbread Men & Krampus, kidnapper of Santa Claus himself? I humbly await your judgment & also shoutout to DM Nemo & our amazing crew of Naddpoles who came together during a difficult season & brought the joy of D&D to one another with Christmas shenanigans.

xatlern

This is unrelated to D&D court, but has anyone else noticed that you can sing the title to the tune of Hot To Go? N-A-DD-P-OD Murph, Jake, Cald-well, Em-i-ly That's all I've got so far ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Mitch Rhook

This is a Dice Christ confessional to the highest church of Dice Christ (or maybe a case of me vs dice Christ?) from a first time DM, with a table of first time players. I had done session 0 with my players for the lost mines of phandelver kit, having all my experience from listening to this podcast. Session 0 was 4 hours of character creation and everyone was really excited. If you're familiar with lost mines of phandelver you'd know that it starts with a goblin ambush, 2 swordsman and 2 archers against 5 level 1 players to introduce combat. This is where it all went wrong. 1 of my players is a scourge aasimar cleric wearing only robes. He went down first round as he ran forward by himself with noone else and was ambushed. As the party ran up to engage and save him, he started rolling death saving throws, failing the first, then rolling a Nat 1 on second. While this was happening the tiefling sorcerer who was on 1 health was crit on by an archer taking her to her negative max health and insta killing her. I channeled my inner Murph here as I know how many times he's talked about new DMs panicking and doing something silly or militantly sticking by the rules, which meant these players sitting out watching 3 others play the rest of the session, so I gave them the option of using the druids Good Berry's, having the ranger give up his next turn to deliver them, and narrated that as they fell into darkness and faded away, the taste of sweetness was a lifeline back to the world of the living, and let the sorcerer do death saves, and the cleric reroll that Nat 1 death save rather than it bring them up on 1 health. The cleric rolled another Nat 1. 2 in a row. But I couldn't let him die so I did this again for a 2nd time and let the ranger stabilise the cleric, while the sorcerer was able to roll high on death saves. For the rest of the session the cleric did not roll above a 4 on his dice and failed many challenges, including accidentally killing my really cool NPC with an area of effect Attack, knocking him off a cliff, who would have given them all the context of the campaign. Did I anger Dice Christ in allowing the cleric to live so as to not ruin some excited players first time experiences? Did I do the wrong thing in giving him a 3rd chance after his 2nd chance was another nat 1? What would you have done here when Dice Christ clearly wanted this cleric dead? I humbly await my penance.

Benjamin Reilly

To the supreme crit justices and the wife worm. I bring to you the case of the cut scene cut off. Years ago a joined a campaign with my friends about a year into their journey. It was my first campaign and the DM helped me make my first character. When he asked me why I wanted to play I told him that all I really wanted was to dual wield swords, and I ended up landing on a Ranger. He told me that both dual wielding characters and Rangers were under powered and would struggle in his high difficulty campaign, but that he would just give me strong items to help "balance" me. Soon after we began I was granted two +3 weapons while my character was level 5. This caused me to... greatly outperform the party in damage, as I'm sure you an imagine. Fast forward through about 6 months of my DM complaining about my overpowered character, he finally decided to cut off my character's arm in a cutscene. I was devastated, but he assured me that "there would be ways to get it back." Justices, I have asked at every town for high level clerics and have tried everything that I can to no avail. My character hardly even works as intended anymore, because all of my feats and fighting specialties were based around holding a second sword. I no longer even get the +1 AC for the dual wielding feat. The roll playing was fun for a little while, but now the character is just not that fun to play in combat. Please, has my character been nerfed for the sins of my DM? Does it change your decision to know that this incident happened over two years ago?

Sam Park

In the name of the father Dice Christ and of the begotten child the Natural 20, and of the devouts the 2 Crew… forgive me for I have sinned. It has been 28 years since my last confessional and this is my sin. When I was a new and aspiring DM, I wanted to get my friends into DND, and since we were all fans of the game League of Legends, I brought up the campaign and setting of Tides of Bilgewater, which takes place in the setting of the game. I had four of my friends make characters, and I did my best to accommodate and build and alter the setting to best fit their needs so they could have fun. One of my friends wanted to be a mounted combatant and wanted to make his character a priest of one of the ancient Sea Gods so I reflavored one of the creatures in the manual and allowed for an opportunity where he could meet his fighting companion and live out his dreams as a mounted combatant. Then the big combat hit. In the ultimate fight against the BBEG, the mounted combatant was downed and was rolling death saves. This is where I have sinned. I was an inexperienced DM, and having a player become downed overwhelmed me. I forgot the rule of making medicine checks to stabilize allies, and none of my players were experienced or had played before to truly be aware. I tried to urge the remaining players to hurry and slay the final foe so that combat could be concluded and that the fallen player could be brought back, but the other players rolled poorly and the mounted combatant passed away. In the conclusion of the campaign, I tried to make rolls to see if there was any way to narratively tie loose ends - I had the other players roll Animal Handling to tame the wild beast that the fallen player had mounted; I had the fallen player make a Religion check to see if the ancient Sea God he served would bring him back - all such rolls ended up in natural ones. This player was the player most attached to his character, and I feel as though his first experience with DND will always be one of bitterness as a result. He has played afterwards with some of our mutual friends and with his own group, but I never DMed for him again for fear that I may let him down once more. To this day, perhaps out of pride or out of regret, neither the player nor I have ever revisited those events, and I feel as though I am the only one truly aware of the grievance I caused, forcing a player to make Death Saves with no help from his allies who were all by his side. And that is all I have to confess. And for this sin I am truly repentant and ask Dice Christ for guidance and absolution.

nat the neat

May Dice Christ forgive me in all of their mercy, I bring my confession into the loving arms of Human Father Tanner and Cat Mother Axford, Cat Dad Murphy, and the cool wine aunt guest who lets you wear their leather jacket whenever they visit. Oh hi, Jake. Didn't see you there. My 1 ½ year-old campaign had a dark week due to scheduling issues, so my friend stepped up during normal session time with a oneshot. My usual DM and close friend was playing a beloved NPC, a drow pirate captain named Gwendolyn. The problem: this friend can be kind of an asshole, and after a very bad day and some well-placed jabs, I was at my DM (and Gwen's) throat. After one-too-many insults made their way under my skin, my character Dorian took a swing at Gwen. We duked it out until we were both at half health, then I stopped for the sake of time. Short rest, yada yada, we healed back to full, it was fine. When we discovered the final boss, a night hag disguised as the lady of a manor we had spent the evening in, I knew we wouldn't win. The HP pool was too high, and we had to make a run for it with the hag's step-child. But I wanted to buy the rest of the players time. So I stayed an extra round. Gwen called me an idiot for staying any longer, so I dug my heels in out of spite, which resulted in an extra round of focused attacks from the lady hag. When I finally tried to flee, my character was a goner. An opportunity attack knocked him to zero, and the night hag dragged his body into her cave, where he died alone as everyone else escaped to safety. I can't help but feel that my stubbornness is what killed Dorian. The oneshot DM's description of the soft weeping of the night hag still haunts my waking moments. Forgive me for my pride, and may my beloved fighter-rogue find peace beyond the liquid-core gates of dice heaven.

Luke McCauley

To the judges with freaking laser beams attached to their heads and the ill-tempered sea bass Bailiff Jork. I have been a player in a campaign with my friends for nearly 5 years (praise be) and we are nearly to our final arc. We are planning a sequel campaign DM’d by me set around 100 years after the events of the current adventure and all of the current players plan on returning (praise be again). A few days ago, my wife (praise be) asked if she could join the sequel campaign and I hesitated to say yes (cursed be). My wife and I have played in other campaigns together before and it was obvious my hesitation to say yes to this specific one hurt her feelings. I am very precious about this campaign and for but a moment I became overprotective of it (cursed be) instead of showing enthusiasm for my wife’s interest. I plan to ask my friends if she can join once we start preparing for said sequel, but I feel terrible for making my wife sad. Laser beam judges, what can I do to make it up to my wife? My phone has no bars.

Ryan Dilks

Dear supreme cute justices and the big bad bailiff Jack, I bring you the case of the heretic cleric. I play with a group of longtime friends, the group has changed here and there through the years but has some Mainstays. A couple of years ago, I was playing as a cleric who didn't have a god; instead her power was drawn from cleanliness (she was a former maid, and cleanliness is next to godliness.) We eventually reached a point where she needed to call divine intervention despite not having an actual God to call to. The roll was a successful nat 1 and she was approached by the energy of cleanliness itself. At this, the paladin at the table shouted that this was blasphemy. I assumed this was an in character moment, so I responded in kind. He glared at me across the table and stated, very much out of character, that he was done playing. He left and we haven't seen him since. My question, justices, is this: what the fuck? Thank you

Rusty Boots

To the redoubtable Justices and the repugnant, wretched, contemptuous (but well spoken) Bailiff Jib. I bring to the court the case of the unwilling widow. Our party brought about the end of the world and so our DM had us start a Part Two of our long running campaign with new characters in the Dark Sun setting (think Mad Max deserts but also with more monsters and generally pretty grim). Our party travelled through the desert to a cave which housed a small underground city that had water and a little pocket of civilisation which was lovely. Unfortunately the city was hunted by a False Hydra which was eating everyone's memories and therefore making the people a bit nuts. Overall it was a great and memorable encounter. Unfortunately this is where my DM decided to become a bit fucky with us. I'll mention that right around this time I had just become a new father and while I am separated from the mother I was a hugely excited new dad (a confusing time certainly). Our group had all created two PCs for this campaign as we would swap between them and I had created a Leonine and a teenage Kenku which had a father / adopted son dynamic. So one morning waking up in the caverns my poor Leonine rolled over to an empty backpack with a journal of a woman he didn't remember claiming to be his wife...who had clearly been eaten the day before. Is it wrong that the DM should give my single father a wife and then immediately kill her off screen? Or should I not bring my own bs to a game where people get eaten by memory devouring serpents? I throw myself upon the mercy of this noble court.

Merryn C

To the Esteemed Crit Justices but most Especially the Honoured and Revered Guest Justice [please do me a solid Jake and insert their name here]. I bring you the case of the Retconned God BBQ This was many years ago in a campaign with my girlfriend at the time and her friends. I played a Gnome Cleric who's god had gone missing and was on a quest to find them. Long story short, we ended up in a boss battle killing a fearsome lake monster and another player joked that they took the monster's body back with them to our camp to eat, and we all sort of went along with it, pretending to have a BBQ. The next day, the DM revealed that the monster was actually the corrupted divine body of my fallen god and we needed to bring it's heart to a nearby temple to help restore her. I was distraught. My character absolutely loved and worshipped their god and would never in a million years eat her. I immediately sought to clarify with the other player that they were only joking when they said they ate my god, and the player instead double downed on it, saying she actually still had parts of it with her, having turned the remaining limbs into jerky which she intended to continue eating throughout the campaign. I made it clear in and out of the game that I wasn't cool with that but she said we all participated in the initial god BBQ (again, as a joke that I didn't think would be made canon) and that I just had to be cool with it. Not wanting to make a scene I dropped it (esp when none of the other players or DM really seemed to be on my side) but it still haunts me. Justices. Was this extremely weird behaviour that I'm justified for feeling wronged, or do I need to own up to my own part in the god BBQ, and let it go?

Jay Allen

May it please the dearest and kindly justices Axeford, Tanner and Murphy, and may it disgruntle the odorous bailiff Jork. I bring to you the case of the inconsiderate owl. This story takes place during my first ever genuine experience with dnd, just after quarantine cleared. My still best friend Ollie had been trying to convince myself and three other friends to play for months. Eventually we all decided to sit down and give it a try and had a session zero. Ollie had played a few times and wanted to dm, and the players consisted of myself, another friend and his boyfriend, and the main antagonist of our story named Alex. Alex was the only player who had played before, and worked with Ollie to help us remaining players build our characters. Having no context for the game before now, I was fully focused on making my own character during the session zero and didn't pay much attention to what was going on with the other characters. Cut to session one. Ollie narrates a typical start to a campaign complete with a tavern and a surly barkeep. We all eventually describe our characters, and when it gets to be Alex's turn they announce that they will not be playing level one characters like the rest of us, and will instead play their level 3 druid who was an owl. Not wild shaped, not polymorphed or cursed, just an owl. This remained unaddressed throughout the session, and not having any context for dnd, I and the other players assumed this was standard. There were also several points where Alex would back seat DM, and at one point they even demanded that an encounter be restarted because they didn't care for the monster Ollie rolled on an encounter table for us to fight. Judges; the hell? I eagerly await your ruling for this avian aggravation. P.S. while this did leave a bad taste in my mouth for a good while, I'm now obsessed with dnd and DM for a different group of people and it is such a pure source of fun and joy in my life.

Daveed

2025 Intros revived? To the benefiscient justices and Shroedingers balif who exists in a superposition of both high and low status simultaneously until they are perceived. I give you the case of The IRL Death and Subsequent Balance issues. I have been working on a new campaign with some friends of mine. I've been spending a lot of time trying to balance a party of 5, with homebrew magical abilities, boons from their respective Gods (Oppa Hades Style) that may or may not be sort of overpowered for where they are beginning at level three. I figured that if the party is a little stronger, then I could throw slightly higher CR enemies at them, still erring on the side of not resulting in a TPK. The day of the game arrives, and not 10 minutes into the the introduction, our healer gets a call saying that his uncle who has been sick, has passed away. My player, and close friend, needed to leave immediately to grieve and be with his family, but insisted that we should play without him. And so we did. Judges, my players got absolutely dumpstered. While narrowly avoiding a TPK due to some behind the screen shenanigans where I lowered enemy HP and didn't utilize some more devastating abilities, I could tell that my players felt a little dejected at how poorly they performed. While they understood that the game was balanced for 5 PCs, and no one blamed me at all, I still feel like maybe I should have just cancelled the session when our friend had to go, and regrouped for a more appropriately balanced session. Judges, I ask you this: What would you have done in my sweaty shoes? Should I have cancelled the session then and there, or should I just accept that our mortality is fleeting and life is precious in its beautiful fragility?

Chazz

To the honorable Justices and special guest Bailiff Jake. I present to you my first time playing 5E in a game store. About tenish years ago when I was like 16 or 17, I hung out almost every weekend at my local game store. Mostly I was just there to play Warhammer 40k. One day when there was no one around for a game, I was invited to join a group of people playing a demo of the then newly released 5th Edition Dungeons and Dragons. It was only my 2nd or 3rd time playing any TTRPG, and first time making a character. The players were; me a Half Orc Paladin, a Tiefling Rogue, Human wizard, and a gnome fighter. We were in a tavern and people were being electrocuted by mundane items made of cursed wood, but our attention was much more fixated on stupider things. I was trying to flirt with an elven ranger, whom I just saved, however the GM said she slapped me across the face dealing one point of damage. I had lost hit points earlier so this knocked me unconscious. The Rogue immediately declares he is going to rob me of all my stuff. The GM allows it. My character eventually comes back up and I ask who took my stuff? The Wizard and the Rogue both say it was the Fighter who robbed me. The Fighter had gone unconscious actually trying to do plot stuff. So I robbed the fighter, even though the player hadn’t done anything to me and I thought “Oh I guess that’s what my character would do.” I don’t remember what happened after that, I think someone showed up to play Warhammer. Justices I submit myself to the court for punishment, I will only say in my defense I am a much better player and DM then I was as a teenager.

Snailis who’s infecting Worcestershire for within.

To the beautiful justices with untold levels of rizz. And the bailiff with no rizz to speak of. I not so humbly present the case of the overshadowing pirates. This event occurred around 2-3 years ago, but it still annoys me to think upon. My party and I where fighting in a major battle to defend a town. We fought half an army while a band of npc pirates fought another half. We were around level 10 and after a 40ish minute fight we were victorious. However the pirates were revealed to have finished there fight much earlier and then bragged about how much quicker they defeated their army. This was a running theme with nova being much stronger and effortlessly defeating enemies we struggled with. Justices I ask you. Was my party being snubbed by our dm? Or should I let go of my grievances and go suck an egg?

Reverend Chatterbones

Dear specious judges and the Bailiff with the Bad Genitals (unless we're being nice to Jake this week - in which case, I'm so sorry): I bring to you the case of the Twin powers. My twinsie was the DM for a campaign based off of Celtic mythology. It was dope as sh*t. This guy really knew my style and everyone had a great time. Unfortunately, I repeatedly blew up his spot by accurately predicting the next turn in the campaign in our group text thread. This included ending the campaign in outer space, the appearance of gundams, and betrayal by an Ewok rogue. We have one brain and one heart. My question is this - am I guilty? I am willing to accept whatever punishment the church/ state requires.

Megan Kutruff

Honorable justices and jersey boy jack, I present to you the case of the bath bomb delay, Justices, I started an online Saturday game of Lost Mines to try to help some of my friends who wanted to play D&D yet never had the chance. About halfway through the campaign, my friend shares that her friend is also interested in playing and let's call her Amy joins. At first Amy does very well and is super interested in playing, but slowly her interest starts to fade. She started cancelling sessions, loudly talking to her boyfriend during session and in general just not paying attention. During our final session, after checking in with the party multiple times prior to session, she didn't arrive for our 8 pm start time. When we message her she states that she had just gotten into the bathroom and put a bath bomb in. I told her to come to dnd and get her bath later, but she insisted on bathing for an hour prior to coming because she already put her bathbomb in. We were already planning on a shorter session because a few of our players were not feeling well. She insisted that she would only join if someone paid for her bathbomb. Her friend at the table did offer to pay for the bathbomb. Eventually she did join and we played although she was very disconnected from the game while we played. Justices, I ask you should we be obligated to pay for her bathbomb for her to come to d&d and should she be allowed to remain in the campaign?

Joe Lenton

To the radiant justices and I guess to Jonk or whatever I bring you not a grievance, but simply a request for adjudication. Many years ago I ran a Halloween one shot for some friends including my now fiancée. They were investigating a town full of horrors, after something terrible had happened several months ago. The twist was that the party were themselves responsible for the disaster, and a vengeful god was making them relive this nightmare forever, each time forgetting what they had learned. My fiancée, to this day, insists that her character, a charismatic and tricksy whispers Bard would have, at some point, figured out how to escape this God’s trap, eventually breaking the cycle. I always argue the same thing: your character was actually a real evil person, who committed a terrible crime, and this God has build a perfect prison for good reason. The time has come, your honours. It’s been over 5 years. Please decide once and for all - with enough time, could Luna the Bard and her fellow level 3 characters escape the mental labyrinth of a deity? I humbly await your judgment. Also please fire the bailiff… I can’t be certain, but I think he stole my wallet.

Abbey

Dear most illustrious judges and that bailiff who’s drowning in diapers probably: I submit to you the case of the Unlawful Blinding. I was in a campaign with my college radio friends two years ago. I was the only player in our party of six who had played before so I was used to helping my DM and best friend teach the rest of our group different mechanics and how to play as we went along. Since pretty much everyone was new, we used DnD Beyond (free version because we're broke and in college) to make our characters. I made an Eladrin Rogue named Ailynn who was part of a crime family that dealt in information. Enter Bogman, the Rock Gnome Monk with a gambling addiction in a goblin fighting ring. Bogman was really into his background that DnD beyond makes you choose: "Haunted One" once he remembered in the middle of a session that it was on his character sheet. Specifically, he fixated on the "Heart of Darkness" feature. While this characteristic is meant to help inform your character's personality, it quickly turned into a bit. Bogman began weaponizing the Heart of Darkness and anyone who looked into his eyes for a longer period of time would then have to roll a con save. If they failed, they'd take damage. At first it was funny, but then it got out of hand. In a moment where Ailynn was trying to comfort Bogman after the loss of his favorite fighter, out of game he asked if she had looked into his eyes. I said yes because it was a nice moment of friendship. I was then asked to roll a con save. Unfortunately because I also have the Murph curse, I rolled a nat one. I was then told that I was BLINDED for an indeterminant amount of time. In the heat of the moment, I had had enough and pleaded to my DM to see reason. The Heart of Darkness isn't a mechanic. Bogman doesn't have spells. We were in the middle of following a trail of clues and my character is now being punished for being kind and now unable to help with the one thing she does best? We all had a laugh about it, but despite how funny it was, I was still kinda mad. I ended up summoning my familiar (a chocolate lab named Lasso, who was then dubbed a seeing eye dog and given a service dog vest), but my blindness wasn't resolved until our next session. So my dearest justices, was it wrong for me to be blinded by a mechanic that doesn't exists? I humbly await your judgement.

Ajax0fSpartax

To the exemplary judges, except you, you know what you did, and the honestly better than usual bailiff Jacque I present the case of an overeager player. I (the overeager player) have a work schedule that doesn’t allow me to play a lot of D&D so I was exited when I found a group online that played at a time I could join them. The campaign was a job of the week style game where everyone was to play the “monstrous” races as the bad guys where the more “human”. Everyone in the group had fun and interesting characters including someone playing a home brew skeleton, but apparently my character was quote “too much”. I wanted to play a Hobgoblin swashbuckler rouge/ fathomless warlock named Radahn M. Seacaster (shoutout to Lou) that had been a victim of a mutiny some years ago and who’s body had been kept from decaying by being frozen at the bottom of the ocean by his patron until the patron chose to send him out to find a crown (dm’s call on the crown.). The problem arose when I suggested that Radahn’s husband, who was the first mate of his ship, could still be around, unaware that he is alive again and upon finding out wouldn’t trust his patron. Upon suggesting that to the DM in the form of a private message the DM messaged me a paragraph saying that they had to much on their plate and that me adding stuff to my backstory after playing a few sessions threw everything out of wack, then about 10 minutes later they messaged the group chat saying that the campaign was over because people kept expecting them to redo everything by changing their backstories before leaving the chat. I can’t help but think my proposal didn’t warrant such a response, but maybe I was just making to complicated of a character in my excitement to play. May my judgement be swift and merciless

Kevin Piening

Campaign crushed by cannonballs from crazy chaotic coworker To the shining beacons of Justice Axford Murphy and Caldwell, and the rusty loyal bailiff Jank. My first time DMing was with a co-worker, who I'll refer to as Bark, and his 3 friends. Second session they're in a goblin warren, and Bark's Barbarian found a cavern filled with goblin children. Bark said the party should slit the children's throats. Bark's best friend said in AND out of character that if Bark did he would walk away from the party. Bark happily killed one. Bark's friend said he was done, while the other two sat in stunned silence. Trying to salvage my first campaign, I said everyone gets one new character with no consequences. Bark's friend agreed and made a warlock pact with Oberon. Cut to next session, Bark got bored of his Barbarian anyway and threw him off a cliff. Then he requested an overpowered homebrew psionic gnome who used telekinesis to throw cannonballs. At that point I'm freaking out and I relented, treating the cannonballs as shortbow arrows. I even wrote Bark's new character as being the Puck in disguise, working off of his friend's warlock story. Both Bark and I thought that was awesome. Two sessions later, Bark complained about his damage output. I said that increasing it would definitely unbalance combat. He said fine, I quit, collapsing the campaign. I don't ask for judgement for him because I know he's going to Crit Hell, but for myself. At what point should I have grown a spine and told him he didn't deserve the hard work, time, and hand crafted airship? At what point would Murph have given Bark the Tombstone Piledriver? I await your judgement.

Bearnardo

Dear most prestigious judges and Jake The Big Boy, I present to you the case of Firing My Boss from D&D. I work at a game store and have recently had to ask my boss to step away from playing at my D&D table. When we first started running d&d at the store we were only getting one or two players coming in a night, so to fill out my table my boss and her husband would play. They have always been pretty chaotic as players, which was great at first because they did an amazing job of welcoming new players to how crazy and silly d&d could be. However, running for them has taken… a turn. Their wackiness now gets in the way of actual customers having a good time and it feels like they think they own our table (which I suppose they physically do!). Recently my boss insisted her character had gotten a boyfriend during downtime. She often just looks for boyfriends while playing d&d, and often tried to steal boyfriends from NPCs, so this was nothing new really. In this instance I created four idiot twin himbos for her to choose from because I was tired. Fittingly, she decided to date all four. In this campaign, the players have a walking castle they travel in, so as a joke I had the owner of the castle complain to the rest of the party that the four himbos were terrible roommates- never doing the dishes, leaving the seat up, etc. One of my customers is insanely sweet and nice, so I had given her an evil l, corrupting spear so she could go on an evil arc for a little bit and let loose. And in this instance let loose she did! She proceeded to slaughter the himbos one by one, to the delight of the table, and I joined in by having the castle step on one who tried to escape. Everyone was laughing and having fun with it- except my boss, who left the table clearly upset. When she returned she was fuming and refused to join the rest of the group on the adventure, forcing me to jump back and forth while she worked at a bar and refused to do anything heroic. I tried to summon other people for her to date, which only lead to her character carving the initials of her four dead boyfriends into her arm. At the end of the session I apologized, but said she had to admit what had happened was funny and that the customers enjoyed it. She responded that the next time we played she was going to destroy the customer’s spear. So I ask you, justices, what should I have done as a DM? Should I have protected the himbos? Should I have not let the spear corrupt my customer so thoroughly? I await your judgement.

Zach Z

To the esteemed and scrupulous justices, and also Jailiff Bake, I present to you The Case of the Firegiant Orb In a homebrew campaign, me and my party were fighting a fire giant king in the heart of a volcano. Once he got to deaths door, he dove into the lava and began to retreat and swim away. My high-elf sorcerer polymorphed into a T-Rex and dove into the lava after him and crit, finishing him off by biting off his head with a might chomp. As a reward for the epic victory, my DM gave me a homebrew item using the firegiants' head - the Fire Giant Orb, which lets you add an extra 2d6 fire damage to a spell that deals fire damage. I asked him how the spell works with Scorching Ray, and he ruled that it adds the extra 2d6 PER ray. So that means that at a base 2nd level you're dealing 12d6 fire damage. As a player, I was thrilled, and managed to do over 90 damage with a 5th level spell. But as a fellow DM, I felt bad at using an item I felt might be too strong. I thought about maybe saying something to the DM about the damage, but didn't and ultimately decided to keep using the item, until my character retired a few months later. Judges (and Bake), am I in the wrong for using an item that I felt was broken, or is it the DMs fault for giving it to me in the first place? I humbly await your fiery justice. -Zee from PDX

Insufficiently Caffeinated

To the delightsome judges, and the bailiff who may or may not be into cake, I present the “Is It Cake” case. I’m a newish dm running a game for my husband and kids, and their characters wound up in the Feywild’s most popular reality crystal show, “Is It Cake” — my daughter’s character as a contestant, with her companions boosting her performance roles by amping up their fellow audience members. Here’s the source of contention that has torn my family apart like fistfuls of cake: my son and husband argue that my daughter should have rolled using her proficiency (in baking — she’s a sorcerer/baker). I argued that she was giving a performance for the Fey, hence performance. My daughter agrees with me, even though my setup gave her less of an advantage. (Ok, when I say this argument “has torn my family apart, I really mean” “was a mild disagreement” but since my kids love Dungeon Court, they will respect and abide by your ruling.)

Jonathan Turner

To the distinguished Judges Axford, Murphy and Tanner and the side hustling bailiff Jake… I present to you the case of the Happy Holidays Ambush! It was a cold Christmas and peak Covid lock down 2020, when our regular D&D group, along with some additional players, met for a festive caper one-shot over Zoom. Our DM told us to make new characters,the only guideline being they were all to be thieves or bad guys. The session proceeded in high spirits. Despite having to play remotely everyone was enjoying the festive shenanigans in what was an especially difficult time. Quickly into the adventure we realised we were in fact storming the Home Alone house. During the game, we found the encounters dull, so myself and two other players hatched a plan over chat to betray the party at the end, after all, we were evil thieves! So upon completion of the adventure, treasure found, we drew swords, and spells, and attacked. This quickly went disastrously in our favour after the DM’s wife raised her magically embalmed firearm and proceeded to shoot another PC directly in the face. We downed two of the six other party members on our surprise round! Immediately, the rest of the table looked shocked and slightly confused. Whilst a few saw the funny side, one player in particular took great offence stating 'This is the only thing I’ve been looking forward to all Christmas, and you’ve ruined it'. He then proceeded to storm out of frame and started packing up in outrage. Please tell me honourable judges, did this individual overreact, or are we truly the Grinches that stole his Christmas? PS, the icing on the Christmas cake was his girlfriend was one of the three betrayers, and she had to sit there, trying not to laugh as he bashed around the house shouting. Also he’s 41!

Lexi loves the 2 crew!

Dear Justices Axford, Murphy, Tanner, Honorable Guest Insert Name Here, and the Father of the Jampaign Himself, Bailiff Jake, I present the Case of the Reluctant DM (bear with me). My boyfriend got back from being away at graduate school for 2 years about 6 months ago. During that time, our friend group struggled to get any consistent D&D going in a way that is fun and meaningful. My boyfriend is very creative. He’s a writer and got his masters in acting, so he can act and improvise. He would be the perfect DM for us. AND he’s expressed interest in DMing and held a casual session 0 like 5 months ago. Great for him bad for us, right after that he got a job teaching high school drama and is now “too busy” to DM. I’m a teacher too, so I know the work load and exhaustion is insane. But justices, you must understand, him withholding his DM power is a shame to us all! I come to the court with this humble ask: am I putting too much pressure on him, or should my magnificent-minded partner give his adoring fans the campaign they’ve all been desperate for? The Sean Campaign - aka - the “champagne”? I think if you guys tell him to do it, he’ll do it. P.S. I do respect his time and this is all in good fun. He suggested I write the case. Also, you might suggest I DM, to which I say, I have DMed before and I kinda sucked.

Secret Grandpa

Dear First Team All-Pro Surpreme Crit Justices and that Waterboy Baliff, I come to you seeking your divine direction on my dismal dilemma. This has multiple layers so bear with me. Many years ago I was running a Curse of Strahd campaign for a group of friends bi-weekly. This was large group of 8 in total with differing schedules but luckily we were able to make Saturdays work. Everything was going great until one of my players approached me and said he joined a soccer league on Saturdays and could no longer do this day. Keep in mind this was his 3rd team he joined and no other day worked for the party. So, naturally I was hurt because I enjoyed those nights and I don't like playing without the whole party. Other players were upset too and this led to it coming up during a night of drinking at a birthday party. Things got emotional and a bit heated, but nothing crazy (i swear). Here's the issue...partway through the argument one of my bestfriends who lived out of state (and also plays dnd) heard we were arguing about dnd and I guess misunderstood and told me, "Clearly none of your players are having fun" and other things like that. I was too confused to defend myself and I believe this has led him to think I am not a fun person to play with. Quickly the OG party made up and is still active years later, but this other friend hosts online dnds and even after some subtle nudging I've never been invited to play with him or he says he will and doesn't. Justices am I crazy to think he still considers me a problem DM because of this night and if so do I try and explain after all these years? I am at your mercy.

Beeks

To the magnanimous justices and the lowly case finder Jake. I present to you the case of the unrequested romances. In college, I played several different campaigns with the same group of friends. I was the only woman at the table and often had npcs introduced to me for romantic subplots. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good romance in my games and find them an interesting addition to the story. However, my issue is that I was the only pc who was ever given these romances and was almost never the one to initiate them. I brought this up to one of the other players, he said he hadn’t noticed and that I was being over sensitive about it. When I finally invested in one of these romances with the barmaid at our local Speakeasy (which again I did not initiate) I was teased relentlessly for it. This was a couple of years ago but it still bothers me. Judges, was I being over sensitive about the situation? Am I wrong for feeling salty about not only being pushed into romances as the only woman at the table, but also for being made fun of when I decided to engage? P.S. I no longer play with this group and now DM my own games where romances are only brought up or initiated by the players themselves.

WifeGuy

May it please the court... Hey Jake ;) I present you the case of the DM (me) vs my non d&d playing wife. My group managed to get together for the first time in 6 months so I prepared a one shot based on the level 9 module in "the candlekeep mysteries". After playing for the allotted time, my wife, who was watching our 3 kids, told my friends and I that we should keep playing. We immediately began combat. My party was not optimized for combat at all and the monsters were much too powerful. After knocking down one of the PCs before any of them could attack, I dropped my monsters' AC and health significantly (my players don't know this), told them they had 7 potions (I forgot to tell them to give themselves good equipment beforehand) and allowed them to take potions with a bonus action (a homebrew rule we've played before). Even with the changes my party barely made it out alive, all of them having been knocked out at least once. Mid combat my wife stood where only I could see her and started mouthing the words "kill them all, no mercy". After the session ended and my friends had left, I told my wife about the concessions I made and she told me I was weak. She said it's my job to give them the world and their job to try to live in it. I should have killed them all because I took away all the stakes the way I. It doesn't matter that the players were tense throughout the combat and that everyone had a great time. My wife has only played D&D for 1 hour as a birthday gift to me but now she has me questioning everything Judges, was I right to soften the combat for my players or should my wife take my kids and leave me for a man who can be a stronger DM?

Flando Maltrizian

May it please the legendary and immortal justices, as well as the bailiff who will die alone and forgotten (just a prediction, not a threat) I rolled up a bard for a dungeon crawly game with some people I'd met online. After a little RP, the DM narrated us ominously descending into the pitch black dungeon on a rickety rope elevator. To keep everyone's spirit up, my bard played a little tune on his lute as we descended. There was a short silence on the DM's side after this, but he said alright and we continued. On reaching the bottom of the elevator shaft, we were immediately ambushed by a bunch of kobolds. As we fought, I decided to cast thunderwave, catching most of the kobolds, and dealing a bunch of damage. There was silence on the DM's side again, but we continued until the next round where a couple of goblins entered the fight, and the DM made a point of saying they'd been drawn by noise. I asked if the DM had rolled the original ambush because of noise as well, and he said yeah any noise we made would roll for new encounters. I was a bard, literally everything I did made noise. We dragged our way through the 3 and a half hour combat without ever once leaving the first room of the dungeon. We decided we were to injured to continue, and would have to just turn back, but one player wanted to scratch a warning on the secret door that the ambushes had come out of. Silence from the DM. More kobolds. In the 6 hour session half the party died and we never played together again. I asked the DM why he didn't warn me that making a bard would make me completely useless in the dungeon, and he said that he didn't want to spoil the noise mechanic. Justices, was it wrong to have any noise we make bring new foes on us without warning, or was this a buttoned up mechanic that just wrecked some dumb players. I throw myself at the mercy of the court.

Polyphemess

To the most honourable justices, Axford, Murphy, and Tanner, and their homonculus servant, Jello, I present the case of Social Spells. I was running a game for a group of friends, where they were sneaking through a noir city and found their way blocked by a bullywug night watchman. One of my players decided to deal with the amphibious sentinel by casting charm person, but was thwarted when the patrolling toad succeeded the saving throw. As I began to narrate the bullywug watchman confronting his would be enchanter, the player interrupted with immediate objections. According to them, because the bullywug succeeded the saving throw, and the spell was cast from hiding, he shouldn't have known they were even there. I denied this logic, citing the verbal component of the spell and how could you be charming if they didn't know you were even there. My player still refused to accept my ruling, talking about whispering the spell and, what stuck with me the most, how 'social spells' were meant to be undetectable so you could use them without fear of repercussion until after the spell effects had worn off. I did not conceed to their point, and after much arguing I ended up refunding their spell slot and rewinding the scene. But I ask you most wise justices, that was bullshit right?

Sara L.

Dear (insert adjective here) bailiff and (insert cooler, sexier adjective here) judges- I recently completed a five-year-long campaign with some college friends. As we were gearing up for the final battle, our DM asked for a little time off to prepare, so I agreed to run a few short sessions in the meantime. Our usual DM had never been a player before, so she asked me for some help coming up with a PC concept for the mini-arc. She came over to my house, opened up her laptop, and showed me her DNDBeyond. Judges, she had HUNDREDS of character sheets. As she scrolled through, I realized that every single enemy and NPC we had encountered over the last five years had been a fully-statted PC character sheet. Every bartender, every goon, every character from our backstories. I also happened to see the name of the BBEG— a level 19 wizard. Judges: I said nothing. When the final battle came along, the level 19 wizard did not stand a chance against a party of six, level 18 adventurers. We defeated him in two rounds and took no damage. It was the most anticlimactic fight we’ve ever had. Was I wrong to stay silent when I saw my friend apparently didn’t know what NPC stat blocks were? Or would saying something have been backseat DMing? This group still plays together, albeit with me as the DM, and to this day I wonder if I was the cause for the letdown of the entire campaign. I await your judgement.

OddestOdyssey

The Case of the Plagiarized Crick To the [1d6] justices and the [1d6] bailiff. 1. Crabster 2. Highly, highly, highly, high as a kite 3. Rat(s) riding loose 4. Binky 5. Grinch-like 6. Calypigian (ka·luh·PI·jee·uhn) “I accuse the author Aaron Reynolds of having committed Usury of Authorship, and I seek the judgment of this honorable court.” I submit the following as evidence from the book authored by the same Aaron Reynolds "Fart Quest: The Llama's Fart": "Now git up," she says, unlocking the door. "Y'all been summoned." "Summoned?" asks Moxie. "By who?" "By the madam of the muck. The soul of the sludge. The head honcho of the Holler." Peat Blossom smiles broadly. "Y'all been summoned by the Grand High Meemaw." We are led to a great hall. The ceiling is ribbed, like the underside of a giant mushroom." It goes on like this and there are many other examples that suggest that this is not a pure coincidence: swamp frogs, fiddle-playing, muck elves drawn with overalls, and dialogue that sounds like every Petree I know. May this court see fit to examine the truth of these claims and administer a verdict as deemed righteous and just. I also have a confession: I read this book with my 4 year old son and we thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a rare moment to share my love of DnD (and more specifically, NADDPOD) with him...even down to reading the dialogue to him with a crick elf voice. May her dicey-ness have mercy on our rolls.

Jeremy

To the noble justices and lowly to the nth degree bailiff, I bring to you the case of The Banished Baddies. I’m two years into DMing for my husband and some friends. Some arguments at the table have definitely left my husband and I angry with each other, but we usually are able to let emotions from dnd disputes subside. EXCEPT, for this ONE argument. One of our players is a warlock with a high spell save DC. Ever since the warlock got access to Banishment, they’ve created a continuous strategy for every encounter where they banish the most powerful enemy, take out any other creatures, then hold actions in attempt to delete the biggest bad when they return from banishment. No matter what I throw their way (monsters with high saving throws , counterspell, etc) the dice tend to roll in their favor. I’ve tried to have held actions ready for the monsters, but my players insist on their held actions being first. So the big bad creatures drop in, surrounded by the players, and my best monsters get one-shot without ever having a chance. The biggest challenge is my husband: he is the one insisting they get away with the “surprise round”, and he’s not even the one playing the warlock! So my question to the judges: Do I risk further tensions in my marriage, rule with an iron fist and not give my players their held actions on the banished monsters, allowing my thoughtfully created creatures a chance to finally shine? Or do I save myself the trip to couples therapy and let my players get away with banishing the baddies and pounding them to pulp when them pop back, surrounded by several min-maxed players?

Nathaniel Flowers

I kneel before you, the Dice Christ Messiahs, the Moon Witch, and even the one who just loiters here, to pray for mercy and forgiveness. I am a therapist who has been running a therapy-rooted D&D game for preteens/teens for 2 and a half years. I am also.. a bad, unprepared, lying DM. I created a world, pantheon, and overarching story to boost therapeutic elements and interplay for the game and story. (Slowly writing into a book-*preemptive plug*). This therapy stuff, I got it locked in. But I almost never prepare the meat of the game. I improvise story, puzzles, and encounters. I will set things up, and forget to balance and prep them. In the early game, I fudged enemy stats and lied about my rolls because they were too hard, now I modify everything (health, abilities, etc) because I’ve given them so much stupidly good loot it feels so difficult to give them a good challenge. I often resort to final fantasy styled second and third forms to accomplish this. The final boss fight, against a god who has been corrupting the other gods, is in a few weeks, and some friends might help me play test the fight.. but.. I don’t have any of the gods stat blocks prepped and might make it up the hour before the play test. So please, as I enter the final hours of my sin, grant me mercy… And maybe help me balance this boss fight?

phillip english

To the venerated judges and the dishonored bailiff, I present the case of the devil vs smoke bombs. I was DMing a game for my brother's and their girlfriends, in which they all chose the rogue class. Shortly in the campaign when asked how many smoke bombs a merchant had in his inventory I made the mistake of saying "idk like 50". My older brother immediately said "great, I'll buy them all". On their next level-up they all took the feat blind fighting. They proceeded to use them at the start of every combat. Which while annoying, was great fun as they sneak attacked their way through the Feywild. However, we had a large argument one encounter that we still disagree on. While trying to close a corrupted portal in the Feywild, they were briefly transported to the 9 Hells, and immediately attacked by devils. They did their usual and immediately filled the area with smoke bombs. However, all of the devils had magical true sight. I stated that would let the devils see through the smoke, and negate any advantage or disadvantage. They disagreed as the smoke was not magical, and would affect their eyes like any other being. After some back and forth I relented, and granted them the advantage. Was I right in my initial ruling that devils living in hell would be able to see through smoke, considering you know Hell and all? Thank you for your ruling!

Sean Boyle

To the most Exalted Justice's may the light of a glow in the dark D20 always shine upon you, oh and your pool boy Jank I think his name is? I bring to you the case of the Shadiw Snitch. About a year after I started playing DnD (I've been playing since 2016), the group of us that played at my high school were gonna play a Horror campaign. I decided that I wanted to use a homebrew race for a Vampire, which the DM looked over and approved ahead of time but he warned me that most NPC's wouldnt look favorably on me if they knew that so i would need to keep it secret which i thought was cool. Another one of our friends wanted to play a another homebrew race called a Shade which the DM also approved. The premise is that his character was a living shadow that could only be perceived if it chose to be. We had decided that we wanted a combined backstory where his character had been haunting mine and they had a sort of frenemys dynamic. The setting was a huge underground labyrinth that all of our characters woke up inside of without knowing why and it was meant to be a gritty survival horror campaign, which is why I wanted to play a vampire cause I thought it would be cool. The day of the first session arrived and I was excited to play. Not long after it started the Shade player wanted to pull a prank on me, he snuck up behind me and grabbed ahold of my character's Warhammer for a min stating that it then disappeared into the shadow realm citing a racial ability in the homebrew he was using, it wasn't supposed to work on objects being worn or carried. The Dm Ruled it worked because it was funny but it wouldnt work against NPCs. And just like that I lost access to 50% of my character's weaponry. It didn't stop there. The first settlement we reached we were confronted by Guards. It would have been completly fine, except the Shade decided to whisper in the gaurd's ears that I was a vampire, he couldn't be seen at the time either. The dm then narrated that all the guards (there were like triple the amount of them to the party) leveled spears at me and had me arrested. I spent the rest of the session in a cell while the rest of the party got to continue playing the story. Any time I tried to do somthing thw DM just narrated how it didn't work and then cut back to the party. I was getting more and more frustrated during throughout the session and after it was over I didn't make it back to the next session which ended up being the final session as scheduling fell apart afterwards. Justices am I right to feel targeted by the tag team of the DM and the Shade player? Or was it my fault for playing a vampire in a setting where everyone is scared of them? I submit to your eternal wisdom.

Jake Shurley

To the honorable Supreme Court justices, and the equally if not more honorable Bailiff Jake Herwitz (I will defend his honor at a Waffle House parking lot if I have to), I ask you one question. Who was responsible for the murder of Met the warforge. A few years ago in a homebrew campaign, our party happened upon a warforge named Met in a frozen tundra who had just came into consciousness. He was friendly and we brought him along with as. As night came, we dug ourselves a hole and tucked in for the night. Met offered to take watch as he did not require sleep. We allowed him and our Barbarian/Warlock named Veltin stayed up a little bit talking with him. He was on his own quest for answers because of his pact and asked Met a question before going to sleep, “What is Justice?” We all slept thinking things would be fine. Justices and Bailiff Jake Herwitz, it was not fine. We all woke up that morning to the sight of crazed scrawlings on the snow walls and Met muttering insanely to himself trying to answer Veltin’s question until “we saw the light of his eyes dim, and fall over motionless.” Met was dead. Eventually we just shoved his corpse into our bag of holding and continued on with our journey, laughing as players about the moment. After session, I continued to joke around with the DM and said “I can’t believe you killed Met like that bro.” To which he denied. I asked what him meant and he said “Veltin killed him by asking him that question he couldn’t answer.” I disagree because he was the DM and determined whether he lived or died, and he chose death. He didn’t budge on his position and we agreed to disagree, even though we occasionally have our friendly arguments about it. Justices and Bailiff Jake Herwitz, did the DM’s choice murder Met, or did Veltin’s question murder Met?

Andrew Lazarus

To baby Jank and those who wish to usurp his bailiff privileges, I present the case of the fallen party pet. Another PC in my group is playing as the son of the BBEG, and this PC's pet cat has been a beloved member of the party. My DM revealed that this pet cat was actually this PCs uncle in a different form and after dropping this lore the cat was not seen again. Fast forward and my PC sacrificed their life (RIP Jean) and when brainstorming another character my DM asked me if I would reprise the uncle, playing as the brother of the BBEG, and uncle of the other PC. Judges I ask you this, how would you play a former pet of the party, and how should I mess with my best friend now that I'm his uncle?

DragonFlower

To the beloved Justices and Jordan or whatever, i submit The Case of The Bag of Beans. My partner was running a homebrew campaign, for which I was playing a wild magic barbarian who gets his powers from an archfey trapped in his mask. While looking for a special plot item in a seemingly abandoned archfey mansion, my barbarian ended up alone in the study. When checking the drawer, he found a Bag of Beans. He quickly and gleefully indulged in a mid-adventure snack to the shock of the DM, who informed me that A Bag of Beans is actually a magic item that produces a random effect when a bean is planted. Because of this, my litte rabbit folk threw up a treant who was, mercifully, nuetral. Since then, the Bean Incident has been repeatedly referenced as a blunder on my part, when neither I nor my character had no way of knowing the beans would be magical. My partner insists that, having an archfey on his face for years, my barbarian would know not to trust fey food. Please, dear judges, am I in the right or should I have known better than to eat a stranger's beans?

Baron Trousers

To the Celestial Crit Court who rule on high, and the mischievous bailiff Ache, who wallows below, I bring to you the case of the tramp-stamp disintegration. My gnomish paladin was marked with a transmutation sigil and given the power to cast Disintegrate using Intelligence. Which is rarely successful for my hot, dumb gnome. In a recent battle our DM unveiled a cool new mini of a recurring villians's true form - a twin headed, extraplanar, crow-folk. We wamped the baddies and the villain prepared to escape. On my turn I politely asked my DM to make a dex save. I did not declare what spell I was casting. Despite rolling with advantage and only needing a 12, the DM failed the save. The damage exceeded the crow-folk’s current HP by 2 points. The DM asked how I would like to finish the villain. I described my hot gnome pulling up his shirt, revealing that the transmutation sigil looked like a tramp-stamp. The disintegration ray shot out of the tattoo and obliterated the crow-creature. My DM seems despondent that his recurring villain had been killed so cartoonishly. He explained that he had designed and printed the mini specially and planned to use it more than once. He also mentioned the villain had counterspell, but didn’t feel right using it after I’d rolled the damage. I can’t help but feel if I had announced which spell I was using up-front the cool crow-beast would have countered and flown the coop. Was my delayed Disintegrate declaration ok? Or was this tramp-stamped tirade totally trashy?

christien

To the most loveliest of judges with the exception of one and he knows who he is and the illustrious bailiff I submit the case of the rolling too fast. Our druid was banished in the middle of the fight to his home plane. The home they had recently been forced to abandon to the bbeg. I described his first few seconds of watching the devastation as the plane was consumed. He asked to use all his spell slots to upcast transport via plant to save as many as he could. I said yes but that failure would have immense consequences and as I was going to say so will success he rolled before I could finish. He succeed but expended his magic staff and lost 5d6 max hp. To teleport everyone in his home plane to safety. He didn't say much but I could tell he was sad about losing the staff and a tich butt hurt "I didn't tell him success would also come at a cost. My question is was I too harsh for his miracle request?

Jesse G

Dear most highest supreme justices, and the lowliest bailiff…Blake? This humble peasant requests an adjudication of the rules of grappling. In our Strahd Campaign (no spoilers no worries), our group of 5 were in a fight with Strahd himself. My character ended up near a ledge with few hitpoints where a fall would most definitely kill him. Another character was about to use Gust of Wind to push Strahd off the same ledge. One problem, I was in the line of fire? wind? We had the idea that someone else would come up to me, grapple and pull me out of the spell effect. The next problem? They had no more movement by the time they got to me. My question: with a grapple can a character simply rotate in their square and thereby move another character even if the one initiating the grapple has no movement left? I humbly await your decision.

Noah Blohowiak

Bless me Dice Christ for I have sinned! Auspicious Crit Cardinals and suspicious Deacon Dork, I come to you seeking advice on a sin so long past I had thought myself safe from retribution. Long long ago I DMed my first ever campaign with a group of friends from highschool. While I was preparing sessions, I was watching the anime HunterXHunter. Judges I admit this willingly, I plagiarized the beginning sequence of the hunter exam, plot point for plot point. While I did change character names; the descriptions and personalities were identical to their on screen counterparts. My players loved the campaign and they still bring up moments from the adventure we had. That is until recently, when one of my players casually texted me saying they had started WATCHING the show! I ask supreme Crit Cardinals should I confess my sin in advance? Or sit in fear with the knowledge that the past shall soon return to bite me?

Joey Simon

Hail Father Murphy in your brilliant omniscience and curse all who do not heed his wisdom. I confess to you the story of a dm who was punished for allowing his players to roll for something ridiculous. I dm for a party of 7. The players were sneaking through abandoned dwarf tunnels hiding from an ancient black dragon. They stumbled upon a dragon cult of kobolds led by a dragon born protecting the egg of the dragon. Ezzag (a kobold cleric in the party) asked the party to make a fake dragon egg larger than the one the cult was protecting. A few spells later I asked them to roll for the quality of the egg. They rolled a nat 20. Then Ezzag strolled into the room singing an impromptu parody of Prince Ali from Aladdin about himself. It was hilarious so I asked him to roll performance against bad guys insight. He rolled a 2 and I rolled a nat 1. This began a series of really bad rolls that turned my BBEG into a beta cuck and the party strolled right through the cult unharmed. Please Father Murphy forgive my sins for allowing these rolls that led to the funniest session of DND I've ever played and the throwing out of hours of prep.

Kate W

To the Most Honorable Justices and the Cool Cool bailiff Emily I have been playing dnd with the same group for about four years. Our usual set up is three players and a DMPC to help balance the party. One of our players was really new to dnd when we started so we tried to go out of our way to cater to them. We let them drive the party choices most of the time, we regularly bent rules that were too complicated for them, and we had to institute a no pc death policy since they found the idea of their character dying really upsetting. This special treatment has persisted to this day. Recently we finished a campaign, and that player asked if he could try DMing a one shot before our usual DM started a new campaign. We agreed, and he told us all to roll level 7 characters. As soon as we started playing it became clear that our Interim DM had not prepared. We were supposed to spend five nights in a haunted hotel, fighting the monsters. Instead we were subjected to a long, incoherent, and confusing shopping episode in the town around the hotel. This happened multiple times and stretched the “one shot” into six sessions. When we tried to go back to the hotel at night to fight the monsters, we were not allowed to fight them. They instead made idle threats but ran away and vanished once the party tried to fight them. And we got the feeling that the Interim DM didn’t have any stat blocks prepped. We tried to be patient since this was the first time he was DMing, but then came the final fight. Despite telling us to roll level 7 characters, he had us fight: a bone devil, two nagas, four skeletons, and four ghasts all at the same time. He kept targeting my Paladin because I was the only one with healing abilities. He never attacked his own DMPC, claiming that he “forgot he could do that”. The fight resulted in a TPK where only his DMPC survived, and the DM was both smug and gleeful about killing all of our characters. Judges, I know that DMing is difficult, but was this unreasonable? He literally cackled when our characters went down. I humbly await your verdict. [Emily, please wait until the moment you think it’s funniest to reveal this] PS: Our Interim DM is my 10 year old nephew.

Trevor M

To the beautiful justices of the high crit and Bailiff (for that is his name), I bring you the case of the nipple. My sister and I (we both DM) have had an ongoing argument about whether or not a spellcaster can cast spells out of their nipples. When I first brought this to her, it was with the stipulation that mechanically, nothing would change. I just thought it would be funny to cast spells such as cloud kill out of a nipple. She said no, because it would allow me to have an unfair advantage in battle, as I could cast spells without my hands. I rebutted that most spells require a somatic component anyway, requiring my hands regardless. She remained firm, and we have been at this for many years. Who is in the right?

Andi

Honored Crit Justices and Crit Justice Adjacents, I come to you today with the case of The Fountain Crit. My DM has shown a tendency towards evolving villians & sneaky encounters. In a recent session, we were to meet with a supposed ally in a garden and were instead met with an ambush from her and a few lackies. We were told icated to my fellow rogue that the fountain seemedthis garden had some trees and topiaries & a fountain in the middle. As some of my party members closed with our combatants, I comm kinda sus & he agreed. On my turn, I miraculously rolled a nat 20 & asked the party to trust me as I rolled damage on the fountain. The DM says that a chunk gets taken out of it, but nothing else happens because it's just a fountain. My party argues that I should have done an insight check to see if there was anything going on with it before attacking. Honored panel, I ask you, was I justified in going with my suspicion based on previous encounters, or should I have done an insight check before even rolling for the attack, risking that fated crit on information over getting ahead of a potential threat.

Noah Muruve

To the thicc judges and the thick bailiff, I present to you a case that’s pretty fine I guess. I DM a campaign wherein one of the players wanted to approach an encounter via stealth. He proceeded to role-play his elf making a game plan, but the encounter wasn’t really built for it; I can tell you right now his plan would not have worked. Meanwhile our big boom gnome artificer read the situation correctly and ran in blowing people up, ignoring the elf’s plan. This pissed off the elf’s player, but we had a healthy discussion about it the next session and decided that I need to make more complex encounters, the gnome has to consider other players’ wants and inputs in the game, and the elf’s player can’t will a plan into existence from nothing. But, we want blood. Who was wrong?

Tyler Dowd

To these absolute knobs, May it challenge the court and upset the power they wield. I bring you the case of "WTF High Crit, you got a problem with me?" I have written in in the past for your assistance and all you do is punish me. My players fill up a bag with bombs - my fault. My player brings and OP, roided out, charisma laden God bird to the scrub match - my fault. My players name them selves all Tyler - not only my fault - but justice Murphy says he must make an example of me and creates the first NADDPOD precedent in my name. Furthermore, Justice/ Lowly lowly lowly bailiff Axeford openly stated on record she wished to torment me. I have clearly been targeted and I demand retribution from this kangaroo court. I ask YOU NADDPOLES if this tyranny should continue. Good day. P.S. I don't even like this show.

Finlay Cushen

Not a submission, just a message to say I’m hoping everyone is safe in the fires!

Kimber

May it please the crit and the lowly/exalted bailiff: I present the case of the impossible opportunity attacks. My players were breaking into a highly secure building in a downtown area in the middle of the night when they set off an alarm and fled. Once outside, they were confronted by the city guard. They attempted to quickly dispatch them but as guards kept arriving, soon the party was separated and surrounded, with even more guards on the way. The paladin (played by my spouse) and the druid (my cousin) were fighting back to back when the druid went down. At that point, the paladin decided to flee, taking a dash action on his turn. I counted the number of guards in the area and said he would take seven opportunity attacks. My spouse immediately cried: “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! If I’m surrounded, I’m breaking through only a few guards to escape.” I quickly relented and decreased the opportunity attacks to three, all of which missed. The paladin successfully abandoned the druid (who was captured and imprisoned) and fled the fight. Therefore I ask, is it absurd for a PC to take seven opportunity attacks when taking a 60-ft dash action? In his own defense, my spouse states that he panicked, forgot that his character could fly, and has accused me of trying to TPK the whole party.

Raina Saha

To the honored court justices and their messy and indignant bailiff, Jake Hurwitz, I bring you the case of the perpetual game. I have recently struck gold in terms of online stranger games. I found a group of very kind and sweet people to play with. It’s great! However, this campaign was supposed to go on for only a month, and we are now 8 months in, and my schedule is now very different as a new PhD student. I went ahead and communicated my problem to the DM, saying that I would have to drop out soon. The dm said he understood and that he was potentially able to wrap up the game in a few sessions so that we could get a satisfying ending. Story-wise, we are a bunch of kidnapped heroes stuck in a mysterious tower doing quests for a clearly evil god. Everyone and I agreed and were excited for the finale, and we set out to climb the tower, defeat the big boss, and go home. Unfortunately, the DM got cold feet and sent a measly underling to tell us while we were halfway up the tower that this was the wrong path and that we should go back down. When we refused to believe him, he took us up a previously locked elevator and showed us that the top of the tower was an empty room. When we refused to believe this, the dm explicitly told us that it was a dead end and to go back down. This miffed us because we spent all our gold on spell scrolls and equipment for the tower, but what are you going to do? The DM then told us the way to get back home was to do the big task the tower wanted from us: defeat an evil rival demigod from another planet. It sounded fun, we all thought! We got amped and ready to go when suddenly another underling told us that we had to do a practice simulation first of the mission. This was, unfortunately, unavoidable. Hence, we did so, and after three sessions, we finished the practice simulation and were ready to go! Unfortunately again, the tower decided we weren’t enough, and we had to train a new set of recruits to help us by taking them on a few side quests. Justices, I don’t see an end to this; my fairy wizard is at her wit's end, and it has been 3 months since I said I have to leave the game. I beg this court to free me from this purgatory of politeness. Sincerely, A Wizard Desperate to Log Off.

Skillful Ferret

Greetings Honorable Humans and the Boxum Baliff, during a recent high-level, origin story, one-shot that I DM’d, we had a monster polymorph our Druid who was already wild-shaped into an Elephant. After breaking the polymorph that made them a frog I wanted them to return to being a Druid but they thought they should be able to return to being the wild shaped Elephant. We couldn’t find anything about it, just forums warning that allowing rapid expansion from instantly morphing back into large creatures could be troublesome. We amicably went with returning to druid since they had a couple wild shapes left. Do you think that transformation magic should stack or should things like this cancel for simplicity? In the end, they defeated the rest of the monsters in the Gu Ritual but when it got too late at night we speed ran then ending resulting in a TPK where their characters were merged with the other monsters to create the assistant to the NPC giving them their missions in the main campaign.

Rae Weiss

To the kind and benevolent justices and that guy they hang out with, I come to d&d by way of improv. My two favorite things to say while dming are "hell yeah you can!" and "why not?" I love to yes-and and tailor my stories to bits and goofs my players come up with. However, as you all know, just because you're lenient and fun does not mean you have no boundaries. Enter the shah halud scream from Dune (2021). We play over discord, and one of my players uploaded this to our soundboard. Judges, it is LOUD. It is LONG. And it is EASILY SPAMMABLE. So, before session 3 of this game, I disabled the soundboard. My players noticed and immediately started cajoling me for soundboard permissions back. I relented, but with one caveat: you can use the soundboard once, and then you're banned. I was razzed for this rule, but stood my ground. Immediately after getting permissions back, our gunslinger (Charles) pressed the shah halud scream. I told him I was writing down he had used his one, and if he used it again he would get banned. Well, an hour later, in the middle of combat, Charles hit the sad trombone button. I kicked him from the server, described his character vanishing in a puff of smoke, and continued combat. Judges, my players are split on whether I am a fair and just god or a cruel and unforgiving monster. I maintain I was clear about my boundaries (and even relented to allow him back after this arc) but they claim that my original rule was vague and he didn't even do the Dune scream a second time. When I asked Charles about it, he said it was "worth it" and when allowed back, he would "shah halud as soon as [he is] able." I await your ruling with baited breath.

BeepBoopMahGoo

To the icons of truth and justice, Judges Murphy, Tanner, and Axford (who seems to be dressed up as Jake for some reason), and to the bailiff (that is dressed up like Justice Axford for some reason?), I present to you a short case that I hope to get your bureaucratic blessing on. Back in 2023, I let my friend in my D&D group borrow a set of dice as I was the local dice goblin. But fast forward almost 2 years, he has yet returned my precious pieces of plastic probability AND has mockingly continued to use them right in my face. I have asked for them back but he has yet to return my stuff despite having acquired more dice over time. Honorable Judges, can you tell that dumb ass to return my god damn dice or else I will have legal right to cup check him before our next session? Many thanks, and PS he's a fan of NADDPOD and will most likely respect the court's decision as he's a thief with a heart of gold.

Daniela Carbonari

To the venerated supreme crit justices and that guy sitting in a dark corner of the room, whose name I think is Johnathan, I present the case of the unshareable blessed dice. My friend (whose name is also Emily) and I each brought a dice set to the Naddpod 5th anniversary NYC show, to be blessed by the presence of the formidable two-crew. Perhaps it is my superstitious mind, but I genuinely believe that during the show, these dice became holy in the light Dice Christ, as they usually roll above 10’s. Emily and I play in a Curse of Strahd campaign, where she’s a player and I’m the DM. I usually love sharing dice—my one exception is that no one touches my blessed dice, especially Emily, since she is cursed and consistently rolls poorly regardless of the context. Right before our finale, Emily snatched my blessed dice, citing she “needed them to defeat Strahd” or whatever. I was miffed, but we carried on. It was a tough battle, but players eventually won… the only casualty being Emily’s rogue. My friend claims that I intentionally targeted her—this is true, but it’s only because her rogue hits hard, and strategically it made sense to knock her down. (Bad luck on death saves and a lack of healing potions, as these were all used on the party’s pet horses earlier, resulted in her demise.) I did not target her because she took my dice, as she claims, though perhaps the unlucky death saves were karma for her actions. Judges, how do you settle this dispute? Emily and I (both of us NADDPOD listeners) both prostrate ourselves and humbly await your judgement.

HGB

To the esteemed justices and if the bailiff is there that’s fine too. I bring you the case of a trolling PC. After a long dungeon crawl and stopping the cultist ritual our party found the necromantic books the cult were using for their dark magic. My cleric and another PC started debating in character about what we should do with these books. I wanted to give them to a magic library we knew, dedicated to my clerics god mystra. He seemed to want literally anything else. I got a bit frustrated as the more we talked the further we got from agreement. Eventually I told him I was taking the books to the library and if he wanted to he could try and stop me. The session ended not long after that and I realised I had been really aggro about some books in a dnd game. I message him to apologise and make sure I hadn’t gone too far at any point. He said that I hadn’t done anything wrong because he was intentionally trying to piss me off. He sees nothing wrong with this and that he was “just doing a little trolling”. Judges am I right to get upset or is a little trolling at the table ok?

Jane Paintrain

To the Honorable Justices and the worm-wife bailiff, Lowly - I present the case of the Marvel Menace. In the early days of our core D&D group one of the players, we’ll call him ‘Sonic’, wanted to try his hand at DMing and asked if I’d be willing to play in a practice session using two PCs. I agreed and rolled up a grumpy old Shadow Monk and a wanna-be ladies’ man Hunter Ranger. As this was the late 20-teens, I thought it’d be funny to name them Danny Rand and Jeremy Renner respectively. We had a fun session with just the two of us, and Sonic asked if I’d be up for another practice session. Again I agreed. What I didn’t know was that Sonic invited another player from our core group to join, we’ll call him ‘Grinch’. Sonic had told the Grinch that I was playing two characters: Danny Rand and Jeremy Renner. So of course the Grinch comes to the table with Thor and Black Widow - not PCs inspired by these heroes mind you, but full carbon copies of the supes. When the Grinch realized I had simply used comical monikers on original characters, he still kept up the Marvel Movie personas for his PCs. In fact, he loved it so much, he played exclusively Marvel characters in all future campaigns and one shots with our group despite the variety of DMs and settings. Over the last six or so years he's played as Professor X, Iron Man, Loki, Wolverine, and even Rocket Racoon complete with a Groot familiar. These PCs have not been well received at the table and we tend to try to treat them as typical medieval high-fantasy adventurers. Judges, I ask you - who must bear the blame for this superhero epidemic? Is it the Grinch for forcing his superhero fantasy into our various realms, is it Sonic the new but overly permissive DM, or must I make my way to a Dice Christ confessional and beg forgiveness for this superhero inception? Perhaps everyone is to blame and this case has no heroes after all. I leave the ruling in your capable hands.

Will Boris

To the Honourable High Justices, and whichever lowly lowly lowly bailiff awaits us this week I present you the case of the Timeline Hopping Dragonslayer I played in a campaign run by a DM who was running the same campaign twice at one time. He had two timelines of the same world running simultaneously. In my version of the campaign, we had a dragonborn player with an ancient red dragon villain in his backstory who we had just been sent to go slay once and for all. However, as we arrived at the island, we found a new member to join our party. A member of the other timeline, who had already completed the campaign 2 months prior (we only had about 1 month left) who had been invited back by the dm. This new future knight had already defeated the bbeg, killed this dragon, and saved the world, and was here to help us for some reason. We shrug it off and continue deep into the dragons lair and meet the bbegs main henchmen there as we fight this ancient dragon. Not only does this future player reveal information about the henchmen actually turning good in the end, revealing he was gifted his sword from his version, but this future knight also was the one to behead the dragon, giving us the victory. I did nothing to argue against this as a fellow player, and watched idly by as the dragonborn, bent on destruction of the dragon was denied his vengeance, and watch as that player slowly became less and less interested and now no longer plays dnd. Was I wrong to sit by, or was the DM and player wrong for stealing a second dragon skull to mount on his wall? I humbly await your judgement.

Brian Krebs

Dice Christ Confessional. There was a time when my best friend and I would just do 1 on 1 gaming sessions as we couldn't get the entire group together all the time. I enjoy playing a bit of the anti-hero, Vegeta style character of the group and mentioned this to the DM and the entire crew knew that my character had a slightly different agenda than the whole group, but partially aligned with it as he had a personal grudge against the BBEG. DM put me in a no-win scenario encounter that I realistically had no chance to avoid. Unsure about what was happening, I had a moment where I had a critical fail on a death saving throw and would die, but fudged it to say it was a Nat 20. The only reason I entertained the idea of fudging the role is I didn't want him to kill my character, as solo play is risky for the character dying and I had no idea my character was stepping into a death trap. When my character popped up just after being knocked to a death save, I started to bargain with the BBEG, which made a surprise appearance while my character was dying. My character made a bluff that the BBEG bought, and pretended to switch to his sides, accepting a cursed item. However, since my character was off on his own, the group didn't know I switched sides. The DM said, "I don't know how you survived, there was no way you should have survived. I was hoping to kill you and have the BBEG rez you as an Undead Lord or some kind, bound to him. But this is good too." Instead, I worked with him to have a big "betrayal scene" Majin buu Vegeta style - which was epic and only one person in the group saw coming. Of course, I betrayed the BBEG in the end and fought with the players against him in the end as the group only had 3 more big sessions. To include me in the sessions, the DM split the party and they ran into me, trying to undermine the BBEG's agenda and gather things to break the cursed item's hold on me. Once they realized my character had no actual desire to betray them, they helped me and included me back in the group sessions. What penance do I need to do for not becoming a Undead Lord, or was my DM to blame and my thwarting his no win scenario was acceptable and requires no penance. Waiting your Judgement and possible acts of contrition? Mr. Not-Undead

Nine finger Nick

To the fun and flirty judges and the bailiff Dj Jazzy Jack. I lay at your dainty feet the case of the suggested meta-gaming. Recently, I was a player in a campaign where we were exploring the dank sewers underneath a city. The party came to a cistern filled with 4 sewer water weirds. While the party was discussing how best to avoid or fight them our DM said, “I don’t mind if you guys look at the water weird stat blocks, I never thought meta gaming was a big deal anyway.” Despite the DM’s insistence, I thought looking at their stats would be cheating and we went ahead with our original plan to fight our way through, fleeing if it got dicey. Judges, our level 4 party was TPK’d when one player revealed they couldn’t swim and we were each pulled into the cistern, where the weirds were invisible when submerged. When we asked the DM why he would set us up against such a tough fight at such a low level, he got annoyed that we didn’t read their stat blocks and see that they could be communicated with telepathically to negotiate safe passage(we had a telepath in the party). Judges, should we have read their stat blocks or should the DM have given more hints what he wanted us to do?

Jazzo

To the justices who are super fun, chill, all around good peeps, and the fingerless gloved bailiff. I come with a heavy heart and confession for the Church of Dice Christ. I lied about how many spell slots I had to be able to cast an extra spell. It was my first time playing D&D ever and I didn't know much about the game but what I learned about myself is that combat makes me stressed. I panicked and didn't want to hold up the game so I casted a spell I saw on my sheet but right after saw I shouldn't be able to do that. I didn't say anything and let the game go on. Later, the DM, my friend kind enough to invite me into his game, straight up asked me about that spell and my slots and I lied saying it was good, though I'm sure he knew. That was 8 years ago and I haven't played D&D since. My husband is a DM and wants me to join his game but I always say no due to my guilt from my slotty sins. I've since listened to and watched an unholy amount of NADDPOD and Dimension 20 so now understand where I went so egregiously wrong. I humbly beg forgiveness from almighty Dice Christ and forever vow to follow in the Emily Axford school of studying the fuck outta my character class for as long as my dice may roll. PS: Instead of actually confessing to my husband can I just play him this episode??

Miikra

Greetings honorable justices and the meddlesome bailiff. Was this an appropriate use of the "it's what my character would have done" defense? A while back our DM ran a very open world homebrew campaign. Our mission was to deliver a secret package from one side of a large island to the other within a week. The moment we stepped outside the starting city, the DM rolled on a random encounter table they had prepared, and we found ourselves helping a random traveler search for their kidnapped child. This detour took us three sessions, covered two in-game days, put us several miles off track, and saddled us with three sickly children. When we finally got back on course, the DM rolled another random encounter and told us there was smoke visible in the distance. Having just dealt with a massive detour and now needing medical attention for the children, we decided to ignore it. We similarly ignored three more random encounters until we reached a city about one-third of the way to our destination. At the end of that session, our DM was visibly frustrated and expressed disappointment that we had ignored their encounters. We invoked the "it's what our characters would do" defense, as we took our mission to deliver the mysterious package seriously and had an immediate need to seek civilization where the sickly children might be treated. The matter was tabled but as the campaign dissolved for unrelated reasons soon after there was never any resolution. Justices, was this an appropriate use of the "it's what my characters would do", or should us players take our cues more directly from the DM when they set something up for us to interact with? I humbly await your ruling.

2fastBicurious

To the most honorable justices, especially my burpless brethren the baby Boston judge. . . Blake? And to the lowly wife worm bailiff, May it please the court and give you all the most supreme crit. ;) I'd like to submit the case of the quiet Kenku. My table was running a home brew campaign and we were getting close to finding and fighting our BBEG. Our party included a kenku, Crowbar, who played by the mimic rules that he could only repeat words and sounds he had heard before. The BBEG was hidden away on another plane and to get to him, we had to enter a cave full of grueling puzzles and traps to reach a portal. We barely made it through alive. At the end of the cave, our DM announced that we would be silent and communicate only in written form or telepathically, (though no one one in our crew had the message cantrip). We were presented with a written riddle (think "speak friend and enter" style puzzle). Part of the riddle was solving for the answer, the other part was determining who could say the answer. If we answered wrong, or the wrong person spoke we were told the reaction would be TPK bad, and we were very weak already from the cave. We sat around the table passing notes, and determined the answer to the riddle was "Onomotopoeia" and the person to give the answer was a choice between either the youngest member of our party, or the physically smallest member of our party. The problem? Crowbar was both. Crowbar vehemently insisted there was no way he would have heard the word onomotopoeia before and therefore could not speak it. Our DM knew going into this that Crowbar was both the smallest and youngest and seemed to be gleeful about our predicament. After several pleas to both the DM and Crowbar to try to find a loophole we conceded we could not solve the puzzle currently. I suggested we take a long rest, exit the cave, teach Crowbar onomotopoeia, rest again, and come back, as it seemed the only solution. In the process, we ran out of potions on the way out, and on the way back our cleric, the party's only healer, went down, and she failed her death saves. My hexblade warlock attempted to call upon my patron for help without success. In the end only 3 party members of our 6 member crew, including myself and Crowbar made it to the end concious. Crowbar triumphantly said Onomotopoeia and the gate opened. Our session ended feeling empty and hollow. In real life there was a fight after the session. The players expressed we were upset at Crowbar for being so stubborn and at the DM for intentionally putting us in this situation. Crowbar argued that's how his character has always been and we shouldn't expect him to change because of a bad in game situation. The DM argued that we could have been teaching Crowbar words throughout the campaign before this so we wouldn't be here. I said it was an intentionally obscure word and we had no reason to teach it. Our DM laughed at me for being so upset, so I got up and left with the cleric, saying we were going to start a new campaign. Later, Crowbar texted me and said I had overreacted to a simple difficult scenario, and that if that's how I reacted when things didn't go my way, then no one would ever want me in their dnd party. I feel justified in being mad, but wonder if I didn't react too strongly. So I come to the mercy of the court asking, was I wrong to take the Murph response of "find new friends" or was my DM being unreasonable? I humbly await your judgement and accept whatever punishment I may receive.

Aaron

To those that preside in both now and before-times--and Recently-Promoted Jackson Hurtswizz (it's so hard to tell what his name is)--this is a COLD CASE. The question at hand: "does *historical* poor treatment of a DM call for a current apology...and can it be on official letterhead?" Briefly, I hope: It was 1988. As a 10-year-old Dungeon Master, I visited my older brother at University for the weekend, where I was slated to DM "Dragons of Despair", an AD&D adventure that takes PCs on the story of the Dragonlance novels. As direct evidence, I humbly submit a recent review of this module from the Mastering Dungeons podcast that notes it is close to un-runnable without extensive homebrew. Justices, I barely new what *brewing* was, much less homebrew. I circled up with my brother and his friends to begin. Within 5 minutes, I uttered the phrase, "I...I can't run this. I don't know what to do next." One of the college-age players yelled, "Why didn't you prepare better for this?!" I look back on this now as the formative moment I became an over-prepper. He offered to DM an off-the-cuff adventure--since we were there--and our 1st level party found ourselves walking up to an abandoned shack in a swamp. My Ranger triggered a spear trap on the front porch and died. I watched the college boys play D&D for the next couple hours. We've all grown up since then, but your prior ruling on an equally cold case prompted me to submit this: I never received an apology for my treatment over what I now recognize was an un-winnable encounter. (I'm pretty sure he killed my Ranger on purpose too) But...he would later become a US Senator. Is it wrong for me to want an official apology on equally-official letterhead? Your rulings, most high court, are appreciated.

Olban coello

To the respectable but also very attractive justices and little babyboy 👶 Jakey. I bring forth the case of monk daddy's departure. I made a ex-mercenary/way of the mercy monk, whose whole deal is being a pacifist and helping those along the way. He does this as a way to repent the horrible actions he did as a youth. He's also a tight grandpa. Unfortunately, for me, my party is the exact opposite. Full of murderhobo, thieves, and rascals, I found myself babysitting the other party members and being kinda of a party pooper. As we continued our adventures my party got worse and worse; I struggled to find reasons for my character stay with the party. So, after one gruesome session, I narrated how my character left in the middle of the night leaving the party one of his magical items and a personalized note to each of them. Since my real life finals were coming up I decided to forgo playing with the team until they were over and maybe come back with a new character. After that they started bullying me saying a was a "drama queen" and "petty" for leaving without trying to talk to the party or changing my character to fit the party's shenanigans. They were also mad I took away their eye candy. JUSTICES am I in the wrong for not changing my character and staying true to his believes or should I had been more amenable to their antics. (P.S. They were a lot more understanding after I told them I was focusing on school. So shut up Murph I'm not getting new friends)

JC

To the girlfriend-stealing justices and no one else, I bring to you the case of roleplay checks. I was in a space faring campaign playing a chain-smoking rat when our ships engine broke. The captain of the ship, another player, and I went to the engine room to fix the problem. The DM told us in order to fix the engine we would have to do a roleplay check, a mechanic of his own invention. Basically, he set a 2 minute timer and told us to roleplay fixing the engine. Depending on how well we did roleplaying he would then decide the DC of the check. We did so, roleplaying me being confused about how the engine works and the captain, who built the ship we are on, explained to me how he was fixing it. Afterwards, a die was roll and we were deemed successful. The DM then narrated how we fixed the engine, ignoring the 2 minutes of roleplaying we did, and stated that the captain simply fixed the engine by slapping a single piece of duck tape on it. The captains player was disappointed, stating his concern that the DM was effectively reconning his backstory that he was a mechanic and instead turned him into the butt of a joke. I concurred, but the DM stood firm and said that it was his game and he could do what he wanted. The game later ended for reasons that could be another case. Anyway, regardless, were we wrong to think the roleplay checks were kinda dumb, or was the DM right to toy with new mechanics. (PS, our DM was an actual attempted girlfriend stealer)

Andrew Tello

To the delicious justices and stinky bailiff I present the case of the goody two shoes vs. the tooth collecting fun guy In a campaign there was 4 players all on a pirate ship finally getting to the battle that had been building up for this arc. Player goody two shoes (GTS) and player tooth had a moment. Player GTS was a paladin that was a rule follower in game and definitely out of game. They were downed by the BBEG and was only 1 attack or death saving roll from actually dying. This player caused tension in the group always wanting to follow the rules and being a "parent" to us in game, always talking first in his prestigious voice yatata... My character the tooth collecting chaotic neutral fun cleric had a choice to make. I could cast healing word on GTS or let the dice decide his fate. The other players pressured me to save him even though we all secretly wanted him to die and use his "new character" he had already made and constantly talked about. I saved him BUT Should I have saved him? Or let the fate of the dice decide and for the betterment of everyone use his other character which we would've definitely loved more than his current one. I'd like a little stinky bailiff input, but mostly don't care what he thinks anyway.

Jarod With

Bailiff Axford, you are talented and wise beyond your years. Justice Murphy, your charm and charisma are unmatched. Justice Tanner, you bring the joy of youth and wonder to all that you do. Jake, I always thought Amir was funnier. I bring to all of you a confession. For the last two years, I have been running a campaign for my partner and three of our friends. All of these great people share one, not-so-great, character trait: They are all VERY forgetful. I have worked to help counteract this trait. I now open every session with a recap, Oppa Murph style, have given each of them a brief lore cheat sheet specific to their characters, and have gotten into the habit of printing and laminating custom item cards for each and every item I give them. I usually tend to over-prepare but occasionally, if one of my players asks to loot a body, or to search through a dungeon for treasure (things of which I do not have prepared), I will roll random loot using a generator I found online. The most recent time this happened, I rolled the loot and began reading to the players what they found before actually reading the descriptions of the items myself… One of these items was the Gauntlets of Ogre Power, a wondrous item that instantly boosts the wearers Strength score to 19. Our three friends all have decent strength already (18, 18, and 16) so they offered the gauntlets to my partner, a Warlock, knowing she loves loot and has a low Strength score. My butthole clenched in this moment as I realized this would make Strength her THIRD stat sitting at 19. She ALREADY has 19 Con and 19 Charisma due to rolling three 6’s TWICE during character creation (for real, I rolled them myself and she yelled at me when I tried to nerf her). Not wanting to give my partner the ability to womp me more than she already does, I did something treacherous… I simply did NOT make an item card for the gauntlets. As hoped, and expected, the next session went swimmingly, and every other session, after as well, and not a single person has mentioned, or questioned the whereabouts of these gauntlets and my partner’s strength remains a lowly 12. However, I can’t help but wonder if I have sinned against dice Christ by taking a page out of my players book and “forgetting” something.

Phil E

To the Honorable Justices and whoever the bailiff is nowadays because apparently nothing is sacred. I present the case of the ice demon switcheroo. I’m playing an older halfling fey ranger who is hot (think Liam Neeson). This is not relevant. My party was fleeing from demon worshipping cultists, mindflayers, and orcs (oh my) when we passed by a room with mirrors linking our realm to each of 8 demonic realms. I decided that demon portals can’t be good and took a parting shot at the ice mirror. Nat 20. I shattered the mirror; however, my bow has a cool home brew rule where on a nat 20 I get a wild magic type effect of 4 options and one of them is to switch places with the target. I got that one. I assumed I would move 60 feet to where the mirror was but my dm told me I’d switch places with the ice demon Levistus who is trapped in an iceberg in hell. This would have resulted in a tpk and given me a fate worse than death. Fortunately, our bard had a magic item to let us reroll and i survived. I ask you Justices, had I not rerolled successfully, should I have traded places with the mirror or Levistus? PS: our whole group is praying on Jim’s marriage. Thoughts and prayers buddy.

Evan McDaniel

To the supremely Intelligent justices and that guy jake that keeps showing up, I bring to you today the case of the player that refuses to learn theyre character. Ive been playing with the same group now for 5 years. We play every week, save for holidays and what not, and the entire time the son of one of my players has never gotten his characters, spells, or abilities right. Every week I make sure that I have his character info on stand by to assist him, but its been like this for so long. He's 18 and a smart kid, so I know that he can do it, he just refuses to ask for help and gets upset when I have to correct him. Please Justices, I implore you, what should I do.

Jakob Hoffmann

To the Honorable and intelligent judge Axford, Balif Jake, and whoever else may be there that day... I submit the case of the lustful PCs, I've been DMing for a group of friends for about 5 years (extremely on and off) and recently they've found a new bit. One time when meeting a new NPC a player offhandedly asked how hot they were, as a joke i told them to roll the D100 to see the percentage of attractiveness that this rando was. This, your honors, was my fatal flaw. My players loved this idea so much that they started rolling for hotness for every character that comes up. The moment i breath mention of a new NPC i already get a D100 roll in chat, and the players take this degree of attractiveness as law. I thought this was all fun and games until the players started treating the NPCs differently. The ugly characters would be all but ignored and thrown to the side, while hot characters would be doted over and attempt to brought along with the party. Even very important NPCs that have been built up over multiple sessions will get bullied, belittled, and vomited at the sight of if the hotness roll is under a 30. Judges, i cant work in these conditions. I've tried to get them to stop but they say it "helps with immersion". Your honors please help me deal with my horny players, or bring the punishment down 'pon me should you think i have wronged them. I lay my head down at the alter of your percipience.

Danny F - wait no that’s too obvious - D Fox

To the esteemed justices of the court, beacons of justice, impartiality, and discernment, and to the bailiff Jake, who just showed up today I guess - I present to you the case of the Meta Gamer Vs the Meta Shamer. I was running a Halloween oneshot using the Madhouse of Tasha’s Kiss module with some mates who are either brand new or mostly new to dnd. We came into a fight with a monster who cast Animate Chains to attack and grapple party members with multiple chains each turn (sick). On the wizards next turn he successfully cast Hold Person on the monster. As I’m moving on to the next player, the wizard suddenly pipes up, “Hey, don’t the chains stop grasping player X since the monster is paralysed?” I check the spell description, and damn it, he’s right. Suspicious, eyes narrowed, I ask, “Did you look that up online?” He sheepishly admits he did. I then gently—but firmly—ask him not to Google content about the encounter in future, as it’s not a fair method of gaining knowledge for his character. Fast forward a bit, and the same wizard starts insistently suggesting the party take a long rest in the middle of the dungeon so he can get his spell slots back. Wanting the one shot to move faster, and NOT wanting to introduce an unplanned encounter (or give them a consequence-free long rest in the middle of a dungeon) I eventually, tiredly, ask them “please, just don’t”. Later that night, the wizard messages me and apologises for “ruining the game.” This made me feel WAY worse! The game wasn’t ruined. Sure, his metagaming was annoying, but now I’m wondering if I’m the bad guy for making him think he’d tanked the session. So, I beg of thee: who’s in the wrong here? The metagaming wizard, or me, the DM who fumbled the spell mechanics and squashed the long-rest dreams? P.S. The chains stopped moving, but the guilt? Yeah, that stayed animated.

Binky Fiasco III

To the exalted judges, and their loyal bailiff jode: I have been a member of a dnd group for over four years, spanning multiple campaigns with rotating DM's and various players cycling in and out of the table, outside of a core group of 4. Our most recent DM has been running a campaign for over two years, building on extensive lore and the world we created, with the games being hosted at his apartment. However, our DM began dating a player at our table several months ago, which was a shock to the rest of us, as we would have not suspected they would be a good couple. Over time, the DM worked with their girlfriend to revamp their character's backstory, making them the central focus of the story. As time went on, we noticed tension growing between them, with the girlfriend intentionally pushing the DM's buttons, and the DM getting visibly aggravated with their girlfriends in-game shenanigans, which included asking if their stinky farts delt poison damage to enemies. A few days after a particularly tense session which ended on a cliffhanger, with us at the precipice of finishing a long quest and about to face off against an ancient dragon, we received word that the DM and the player had broken up with a lot of drama. This schism marked the end of our dnd group, as the DM needed time away and their now ex girlfriend was the driving character of the story. Judges, am I wrong to think that the DM should have waited to break up with his girlfriend until after finishing the campaign, or at least until after resolving the cliffhanger he left us on? I humbly await your judgement.

McSandwich

To the ever-sensual court and... I feel like I'm forgetting someone. Well if I can't remember, they must not be that important. Anyway, I present to you the Case of Disguise Self Advantage. I am the DM in my home game (loosely based off of Fantasy High, hoot growl, go Owlbears), my boyfriend, who is playing a high-elf sorcerer, cast disguise self to turn into the vice principal and convince the janitor to give him a set of keys. I asked him to roll a deception check, at which point he asked "Do I get advantage?" I answered with "No, if you had the Actor feat or something similar, you could have it, but in this case, you're just using the spell how it is meant to be used, that does not warrant advantage." He rolled, and the result was bad. He was noticeably a bit frustrated at this and argued (lightly) that he should have had advantage. I was a bit flustered by this, but stood firm. The following narration of his failure, involving the Vice Principal calling the janitor on his cell phone and the janitor splashing mop water on my boyfriend's character's shoes, was admittedly delivered awkwardly and I never forgot about it. We've moved on and are still happily together in gay bliss, but I want the court's ruling. The way I see it, Disguise Self simply gave the opportunity for the deception check, and should not have granted advantage. This is exactly what the Actor feat warrants. I pray the court can find a way to put this dispute to bed forever. I humbly await your - wait, the baby boy bailiff! That's who I forgot about! Sorry, bailiff Joke Turdshits, my mistake!

Audrey Long

To the bodacious justices and that little twerp Blake or whatever, I present to you the case of the Cannibalistic Coney. I was running a one shot for 3 players as a new DM and I created a plot of small town political intrigue and mysterious disappearances. One of my players showed up with a Harengon named King Carrot who owned a Rainforest Cafe. Very silly but whatever it's a one shot i didnt really think it would come up. Over the next few hours King Carrot spoke only in a haunting sing song voice, kept implying that they were a cannibal, and lured the other players to the Rainforest Cafe where it flooded an underground tunnel in an attempt to kill and eat them. King Carrot was then slain in a glorious fashion and I retconned that this murderous rabbit had been the cause of the dissapearances all along. Justices, i don't want to railroad my players, but at some point should I put my foor down? I think everyone had a good time especially when they got to slay that freak-ass bunny, but I didnt get to use any of my prepared material. I throw myself at the mercy of the court, should I establish order and structure or let one shot chaos reign?

Transfemmes4murph
>>161130845

i need to hear this case be brought to the court so bad, “was a shock to the rest of us, as we would have not suspected they would be a good couple.” is my favourite detail

Lucid Lucy

To the esteemed crit justices Murph, Axeford and Tanner and the working-class bailiff Jake who tireless underappreciated efforts support the bourgeoisie of the high court. For the past two years I have been running an online homebrew campaign for a close group of friends. During this time my oldest friend in the group has been a repeatedly problematic player in every classic way. From obvious fudging of dice rolls, which led to having to change the game to digital dice only, having severe main character syndrome interrupting other players' moments in the spotlight, while totally ignoring narratives I had developed specifically for them based on their backstory. They were always the player that had to reschedule last minute or no shows and I think most unforgivably eating on mic during sessions. I had brought up these issues multiple times with them and it would always improve for a few sessions but end up right back where we started. Recently two of my other players who were in a long term relationship went through a rough patch and have broken up. While they are still amicable enough they were happy to continue out the campaign I have instead used this as an excuse to secretly reboot the game without the problem player. Have i acted justly in excluding this player in secret to spare their feelings or should i be honest with them and tell her while she is one of my oldest friends she is just horrible to play dnd with.

Steve Graham

To the saccharine judges and the bailif who has already broken their New Year's resolution, I have a confession to submit before the wisdom of Dice Christ. Shortly after the pandemic opened things back up, I had decided that I wanted to track down and join my own group to play DnD in person for the first time. After much searching, my local game store had a group that was going to meet for the first time for a session 0. I showed up, and the DM very kindly showed me what to do to set up a character. I talked about my ideas, how I like to play support classes generally, and when it came time for stats he said he liked to roll for stats - roll 4 d6 and drop the lowest. He sat with me as I rolled on an incredible hot streak - 18, 18, 18, 17, 16, 13. He shrugged and laughed and complimented my roll, and I finished making my very first character. Immediately after the session, in the group chat, we quickly realized nobody had schedules that lined up, and the group fell apart just as quickly as it started. I went back to the game store, and found a listing for another group that was just about to start. I met them, chatted, and it turned out they needed a cleric, which I had just made. The difference here being, the DM asked us all to come back to the next session with our characters ready to play. Rather than make a whole new character sheet, I took my certified preowned, never driven off the lot cleric with an absolutely OP stat makeup, and began to play. The DM never checked our sheets, and I rarely missed a check, especially in those early levels. Vassals and mouthpieces of Dice Christ, while I was new to character creation, and had never used this character before, over time I have felt a great shame in reusing an obviously broken character, and never told that group the entire time I played with them. To this day I am unsure if reusing a character in any way is acceptable to dice Christ's teachings. Am I cursed for all future stat rolls? Or can I find salvation for my refurbished character sheet?

Bridget Swartz

To the ever so Righteous judges and their lowly bayleaf, Jaques, I bring forth the case of the one shot PC swap. After the end of my first ever dnd campaign in high school we decided to do a one shot to finish a side quest for a PC that didn't get resolved in the original timeline. Background, at the end of the true campaign I reconciled with an NPC I had bad blood with and we ended up "hooking up", my dm (whom I was very close with and known for at least 6 years) and I both rolled nat 20s and we joked that the characters got married. All of my character's plots were accomplished and I thought it was a silly, fun way to end my first ever campaign. Fast forward to the one shot, my DM says we can choose to play our characters again or a new one if their story was already over. I, like most others, wanted to play my high level character that I had become attached to after 2 years. Another player at the table (who I knew through the DM and had previously romantically pursued me which I turned down) messaged me to say he was playing a new PC... my character's now husband. I told him that I didn't think he should and his hexblade warlock would probably still want to adventure with the party. His response to this was "you can always play a new character, the DM said it was fine". I was baffled and kept trying to convince him otherwise, but eventually gave in because I loved my PC too much and am a massive pushover. In the session he immediately went for lovey dovey which I played along with uncomfortably until I was offered Godhood and partly used it as an excuse to break up with him. After that point he became quieter and actually said his character is now depressed because his wife left him. Judges, was I wrong to break up with this PC for my personal issues with a player or was I justified to become the Raven Queen of my friends lore and leave earthly connections behind? P.S. This player once scolded me for listening to NADDPOD because he considered it "cheating"

Withani

To the honorable justices and — flips DVD to determine how we feel about him — bailiff Jake. I bring to you the case of the dramatis personae. I am in a small party with mostly newish players and we are about 20 sessions into a homebrew session. Our DM is doing great, has a compelling story and world, but for one gripe. TOO MANY NPCs! At current count we have over 70. Last session a few players (myself included 😔) were making jokes as he introduced another 5 who were party of a new clergy. Unfortunately the ribbing was not received as the jest it was meant to be. We apologized and said we only were joking and rest of session was great; but was I wrong in ribbing my friend for his rapidly expanding world? Or am I even lower than a bailiff (DVD pending)?

David Klein

To the Knightly justices including the former bailiff, now straight up Jaking it and by it I mean his Naddpole Jork and the Sterling Bailiff Axford, May I present the case of the Character Creation Conundrum. A while back I Joined my friend's new Dnd Group for the start of a new campaign. upon character creation I started to ask the other players what race/class they were going to play as I didn't want to make the same or similar character as someone else. I was immediately told that I was 'meta gaming" and was trying to "spoil" the other players characters. I was then told to not talk about my own character. I then just rolled up a Shadow Sorcerer inquisitive rogue multiclassed Tiefling that was a failed P.I. with a terrible curse who just wanted to help people but needed to learn to trust others. Come session 1 I was met with only very vague descriptions of everyone else's characters and ai reference art. When I (in character) asked another character what their name was I was told that I "hadn't earned knowing their name". Another player was also playing a Tiefling when I tried to engage them I was given the cold shoulder. I was given the vibe that they all felt I was trying to "meta game" by trying to know the other characters. Should I have tried to let character relationships happen slower and more naturally? I humbly await the Judges decision. Also PS. I have just gotten 3 pea Pufferfish and need help naming them! if the Judges would be so magnanimous as to assist me in naming them? Mahalo.

Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock

Hello to the authentic, brilliant, and charming Justices Herwitz and Tanner, and to the awe-inspiring, brave, and cunning Bailiff Murph Emily Axford. Oh, and that fourth guy, Bradley Munchy, I guess. I present to you, the case of the stolen Nat20 that went forever unnoticed. This case stems from a moment when I was sparring with an NPC who viewed my Dragonborn barbarian as his better, but, mechanically he was much stronger than me (To note, I had a +2 in STR, and was level 3, and this character had 2 attacks). During said spar, I was missing most of my attacks when, low and behold, I finally rolled a Nat20! I was elated! I finally got a hit in, and a crit to boot! But then, our party sorcerer cast silvery barbs, and, while I still hit, the sting of losing a Nat20 still stung. But this is not where my issue lies. My issue lies in that, later, when I role played having noticed the sorcerer cast the spell on me, so that losing my Nat20 wouldn't go in vain, and there could be a nice story moment about it later, the DM claimed I hadn't noticed it! I protested, saying that she hadn't casted it secretly, nor did she use subtle spell. The DM then made me retroactively roll to notice the spell be cast on me, and of course I failed, leaving my Nat20 to be absolutely useless, combat- or story-wise. Was I wrong to think my character would have noticed a flash of silvery sparkles, and that it could be a good bonding moment later to reconcile over the slight PvP? Or is my DM correct that the spell was cast discreetly and my barbarian was just a dunce in the heat of combat, leaving the Nat20 wasted? I humbly await your verdict, and if I am found guilty, am ready to accept my punishment.

Xavior

May it please the chaos queen Axford, and the judges who are cool too but not as cool. I bring to you the case of the discord Prince. My group were playing every Saturday but some wanted to play during the week (small things here and there) so we started a discord channel. It was originally meant for background lore and realm building. I couldn't join in because of work. Well two weeks later one of the other players turns out to be a prince. Wouldn't be bad if when faced with a challenge the player tries to use their wealth or army to get out of it. Mighty judges I ask what do I do? Ps if it changes anything the DM is my best friend and the player is my fiancee.

luna lust

If it pleases the cuties of the crit and the extra cutie bailiff rake, I bring you the case of the two DMs who want to be the hero. I have been in this D&D group for a while now, and we have three rotating DMs. The DM changes with every new campaign. The problem is that two of the DMs work together to make each other the hero of the campaigns they are running. Some examples of this are DM 1 letting DM 2 become an adult dragon with all of its stats to fight the big bad in the air while we stayed on the ground and watched, and DM 2 stopping a big bad fight to tell us that DM 1 was the only one who could defeat him. Then, he made us sit through a long cutscene where he described DM 1 making the ultimate sacrifice that only he could make, after a whole campaign of his patron telling him that he was the chosen one, which didn't matter because his character stayed alive in a ghostly form. Basically, they make the backstory of the DM who is a player at the time intertwined with the main Story and even going for long stretches just talking to each other as if it were something they had rehearsed, then telling anyone who tried to join in to be quiet. It has gotten so bad that it has even started spilling into the third DMS campaign, with them literally talking to each other about their backstories while the DM is trying to narrate the story. I have brought it up with them, and they have said, 'It's a good story you're just not getting it.' Am I in the wrong for wanting to quit this group, or am I missing something? I await your judgment.

Kelso of the Sea

Dearest ethereal justices of the highest court and the matronly bailiff, I come to you not with a confession, but with a request for guidance and spiritual counseling from the much venerated Axford, Murphy, and Tanner. (Jake, I implore you to read my story with a long suffering and anguished tone) I have been humbled by the machinations of some random men at local game store, and beseech the expertise of the followers of Dice Christ, and particularly of Bishop Axford. I got interested in playing dnd because of naddpod, and the pod was an incredible escape from my work as a therapist during the great lockdown of 2020/2021. I’ve been hooked ever since. I finally got up the nerve to play my first game of dnd at a local gaming shop near me a couple weeks ago and the experience left me disheartened. While there was a lot of fun in the process of making my first character on my own, and I will say that between naddpod and d20 I have become pretty familiar with the basic rules which was great, the experience overall was pretty awful. I found myself the only woman in a group of men that just seemed to want to “win” at dnd against me, repeatedly trying to just kill my character in some bizarre PVP situation. I’m proud of myself for trying something new after wanting to play for years, but I left feeling so awful and cried the whole drive home. Please Cardinals of the Crit, how do I work up the nerve to try playing again? Or how do I better stand up for myself as a young(ish) woman in a situation where I’m singled out in a dnd game.

Jelly

To the honorable sweeties and to bailiff cake, I present to you the case of the useless wizard I’ve been enjoying playing my chef based wizard, Bean, for a few months now. During our latest adventure, we lost all of our items exploring Blue Alley. All items, including my spell book, disappeared. It’s been three sessions of me using cantrips only. There are other spellcasters in the campaign who “picked up a rock” and are now using that as their spellcasting focus. We were able to re-enter and search for our items. the barbarian finding his pack and weapons, after we had already found him a replacement sword. I’m trying to be creative with my cantrips, but it is pretty exhausting feeling so useless when the rest of the party is unaffected. Judges, am I right to feel jilted? Is three sessions too long to toy with my poor chef-wizard? I humbly await your judgement.

Parker Black

To the Juicy Justices and the bailiff I feel indifferent towards, I present to you the case of the Faux Pas Foreseer and the Impossible Erinyes. This all started when I was in college. I was pretty new to DND and saw that my school had a dnd club, so it was my second time playing. Everything was going pretty swimmingly, until my second semester with the club. My 1st character in the campaign died so as you do I re-rolled a second character. His name was Mowar and he was a grave cleric firbolg. Now, I had a concept where he was able to have glimpses of the future, so I said some cryptic nonsense about the party dying and everyone was pretty put off by it. Despite my attempts to normalize him and fit into the party better, everyone absolutely hated him, and even out of game people would tell me how terrible my character was. It all came to a head when the semester was ending. The DM had us fight an erinyes, a powerful fiend with a bow. It was flying high enough where most of us weren’t able to hit it and he also gave it disintegration arrows. The DM took two of his friends who weren’t playing aside and he chose who to kill. Me and one other person died, but the rest of the party got to finish off the erinyes. However, over the break he told me and the other guy who died he didn’t want us back at the table and I never got to play in another game during my schooling. Justices, is a cringe but well meaning cleric worthy of so much scorn or was I done dirty? PS. I didn’t know where to put this in but the DMs of the club made a player tier list and they told me I was in the lowest tier, which I thought was a really weird and rude thing to do.

Ricky the Moist

To my biggest of dawgs Bailiff J-Hizzy and the ambiguously qualified dorks in robes, I present to you: The Crit that Ended the World. Bout 10 years back our table was being DM’d by someone who should just write legend of Zelda fan fic if I’m being honest. Legend of Zelda themed dungeons should be sick ya know? He would also get in the habit of making spiders fall from the ceiling doing 1 poison dmg whenever we made jokes or had a good time he didn’t facilitate himself. And if any of us would fall in combat where he didn’t want us to he’d bring us back ocarina of time style as tho we had a fairy in our inventory. All that was mentioned plus some things away from table made sessions a little awkwardly tense. All of this came to a head when an NPC he had crit failed which we joked triggered our use of a crit fail table we found on the internet, it was an NPC he didn’t have to do it the table was for players. Pretty much crit fail then roll a d100 to see what happens sorta like wild magic surge. He ended landing on one that said “you miss your attack and strike the ground, roll the attack again if it is a 20 the plane explodes and ends the campaign.” Dude rolled in front of the table and guess what he did? Crit! The entire table literally packed up and left while he was like “wait no that doesn’t happen haha” Bailiff J-Dawg were we wrong to end a campaign in that way? Ps me and my roommate did end up kicking dude out of our apartment 2 years later for saying some racist shit. I just feel bad about ending a campaign in that way, the DM wasn’t really a loss

Reese Page

To the righteous, fair, and above all, impartial judges (and Jake, I suppose), I bring to you the case of The Insensitive Player. I, a forever DM, recently began a new campaign with my wife and her friends. All of them are seasoned players with years of experience, fully invested in the story we are creating. Well, all of them except one. We poured an incredible amount of effort into setting up this world and its characters. To deepen the immersion, we started the campaign with the characters as children. One such moment involved a festival designed to create core memories. Afterward, the children visited a local shrine and cemetery (properly referred to as a kofun). At the shrine, only one character encountered spirits: twin sisters who had passed on and were waiting for their family to visit before fully moving on to the afterlife. The girls asked the character, “We are waiting for our mom and dad. They haven’t shown up yet.” To our shock, the player responded with, “Damn, that’s tough. They must not love you.” This massive tone swing stunned not just me, but everyone at the table. Before I could even recover, the player followed up with, “You must have been terrible kids, and they’re probably glad you’re gone.” What followed was a litany of insults directed at these grieving spirits, which led them to curse his character. They afflicted him with permanent blindness and a curse to never touch running water. Naturally, I made him roll for saving throws (DC 8), but he failed miserably. Shortly afterward, we wrapped up the session. Now, I ask you, supreme arbiters of tabletop justice: was I wrong to punish this player so severely at the start of the campaign? Or was I justified in handing down this judgment after such a heartless and wildly out-of-character interaction with dead children? May your decision guide us forward. P.S.: After the game, we discussed the interaction. He’s completely fine with the curses and has embraced them as an opportunity for a redemption arc. The party has scolded his character, and he’s now motivated to grow into a better person and break these curses.

James-Anne Lovely

To the Almighty Court of the d20 and the Bailiff of the lowly d4 I bring you the Case of the Interrupted Roleplay, I am about a year and a half into my first real long-term campaign with some good friends that I made online after a couple of years of trying to doge the weirdos out there. During the course of this game, my best friend and I entered a situationship. I thought that everything was going really well when she announced right before a session that she had found an in-person girlfriend and she was thinking about asking her to be exclusive, between sessions… without giving me a heads up first. But I did not write to the Highest Court in the Crit about her "breaking up" with me but her table etiquette afterwards. Which is that my ex suddenly started interrupting my RP with my character's boyfriend, who is also a fellow PC. Normally I don’t care about someone interrupting my RP with questions or jokes... except she is only interrupting me during RP with my graph paper boyfriend! It could be anything from a genuinely romantic moment to us having a private discussion about the actual plot of the game. For complicated lore reasons sometimes my fellow player isn't playing the PC that mine is dating and she never does it during those conversations. It is really starting to genuinely make me mad me but I am worried that I am blowing this out of proportion. I can't talk about this with our DM because she asked that we keep our situtationship private. I also can't really talk with her about this if I am just over reacting because I don't want to make her feel bad for something that is all just in my head. So I ask the High Court if I am just looking for reasons to be annoyed at my ex or if my ex is genuinely being weird about this after she broke-up with me?

Andrea C

To the most esteemed and high regarded justices, and lowly mold spore Bailiff Jake, I have a case not about rule lawyers or bad DMs, but of a curse I’ve been carrying to every DnD table. And that curse is…heartbreak (insert sad music here idk). In a past campaign, two players who were dating each other had an explosive breakup, and the campaign was brutally left to wither and die in the divorce. One half of the couple split from the campaign, while the other half went on to date another person in the group. We started a new campaign, but the newly minted couple was not meant to be and also had another epic split. The campaign continued on like a sad, old dog that really ought to be put down until it eventually fizzled out. Justices, I am now planning to join another group that contains a couple. Is it my moral duty to find another, singles-only group so as to spare them from my curse, or should I let the wheel of fate decide the future of the couple.

Mack N

To the fantastic ecclesiastics; I beg for your forgiveness. I recently started a new campaign with my group of 3 years. Last campaign, everyone rolled for their stats while I used point buy. They all rolled incredibly well, and as a result got to take cool feats during the campaign. I, however, had the lowest hp in the group and spent my ASIs raising my spell-casting score. For this campaign I wanted a change, and chose to roll. But when I didn’t like what I saw, I rerolled my stats for as many times as it took to get a spread I liked. the stats are as follows (4d6 drop 1): 9 11 13 14 14 17. My character sheet was okayed by my dm, and is on par with the other pcs. Still, I worry it is too late to change my character sheet, and every time I just hit a DC I’m disrespecting dice christ with my inflated stats. Pleas help me; I feel I have lost the spirit of the game in favor of infernal minmaxing hubris.

naddpod
>>161132597

this is awful!!!! I actually had a similar experience with mean game store jerks and magic the gathering that made me not play it again for a decade. You are RIGHT to be proud of yourself for trying something new! Those guys never deserve your presence again, but I really really hope you'll try again in the future at another game store. I'm really glad you understand that this is their fault, and it's about them and not you. I hope you find some cool people to play with down the line. From my experience, guys like that will always be at certain tables and in the crowd, but you'll miss out on a lot of fun if you give up on the hobby because of them. But also, truly don't give those jerks a second chance. -Emily

itsellie

Honorable Judges and Baby (DM) Bailiff, I bring to you a case where I plead guilty and beseech mercy. I'm a baby DM for a group veteran players. I was running a slightly modified Lost Mines of Phandelver. I let my players pick extra feats as well as stat boost on level ups, and I was fairly generous with their wish-list weapons. My trouble started when I got tired of running wilderness encounters while they traveled from one area to another. I thought my players might also be getting bored so I gave them a teleportation scroll in some loot. I did not realize that if they rolled low enough when using said scroll they would recieve 3d10 force damage. My level 3 players also had with them two injured cultists who had surrendered peacefully. After debating amongst themselves, they decided to use the scroll of teleportation. They rolled a 15 on a d100 triggering a mishap, and then rolled 27 damage for all eight of them. To prevent an almost total party kill I retroactively said they had a level up and a long rest. The damage still heavily injured the party; dropping two of my players and shredding the newly reformed cultists. They had to take another long rest after this, which I allowed due to circumstances. Judges, please sentence me with mercy in your hearts.

Nate B.

To the Honored Justices and that bailiff guy,   I bring to you the case of the hungry player   I have been playing D&D with a group of friends over Discord for several years now. One of our friends in particular has a habit of missing, or disappearing in the middle of our sessions to eat dinner. Once he DMed for our group, and halfway through the session said, "Roll initiative," muted himself, and never came back. Recently, said player failed to show up to a session and cited his absence because he was "eating ribs." When berated about his absence later, his only defense was, "I was eating MF ribs."   Judges, is this a valid excuse to miss a weekly session with the boys? Our typical session is 7-9pm and I feel like there's plenty of time to eat before that.   I humbly await your judgment.

Dominic Antini

To the thick thighed juicy justices whom I would sacrifice a thousand California kitchen brand cauliflower margarita pizzas for: I plead you read this. I just taught my older brother how to DM and it went well for about 1 week. That is until the day I ate the last California kitchen brand margarita cauliflower pizza that he bought. Now he has insidiously killed off my girlfriend in our campaign. “a noble pixie ranger ”. And I fear i am next. “A barbarian with a huge wiener”. Surely a singular California kitchen brand cauliflower margarita pizza isn’t worth the life of a loved one’s beloved character? Who can say but our esteemed court justices. I eagerly await your ruling your majesties

Sped

May it please the judges Murphy, Herwitz, and Tanner, along with the esteemed and noble bailiff Murph Axford. I bring to you the case of Orc ass loot. I've been DMing a group as a first time DM for just over 2 years now, and recently noticed they tended to fully ignore any loot on enemies they had killed. I asked why in a session to which the response was "I don't wanna fist a dead orc". Your Honors I was at a loss. Seeing my blank face, one of them brought up our 3rd session fight against Orcs in a tower they had found. After the fight, they had asked to search the bodies for anything other than their shitty weapons, to which I had apparently said "You're more than welcome to check between their ass if you really want". I laughed about it and moved on with the campaign, but since then, any time they get loot from anywhere, they roll perception for Orc shit on every individual item. Your Honors, I went back and checked my early notes and plainly saw my description of the group being clad only in loincloths. Where else were they supposed to check? I have been relentlessly razzed about Orc ass since bringing up that they've missed out on plenty of loot and world lore because they don't check bodies. They still don't, for "fear of feces" on whatever they get. I am at a loss trying to get them to take plot relevant items without just handing it out on a silver platter. Divine and all powerful Justices and magnanimous Bailiff Murph Axford, what should I do? I humbly await your judgment

ZZ Digital

I submit to the court: the case of personal hell: While stealing a plane shift gem from the villains, one player accidentally activated one and was sent to hell, where they started rescuing NPCs. The other players met the villain who offered them a gem, but told them a different way to use it than they had been. They decided the villain was lawful evil and wouldn't lie, despite many people, including the villain herself, calling her a monster. So when they followed her instructions they ended up trapped in Hell, requiring a beloved NPC to sacrifice themself to get them out. My players were extremely upset with me, not only for killing their friend, but for not telling them the villain could be lying, and also not benching the player who went ahead until the rest of the party could join them since they encountered friends and family of the PCs in personalized hells that they wanted to interact with. Were my decisions acceptable, or am i a DM not even worthy to lick the lowly baliff's shoes?

christopher belisle

To the venerable DM's of the court and the baby DM, Jake. I bring you the case of the wrongfully poisoned potion. May it please the court, during the course of my parties adventure through a tower that led to the BBEG, we found a vending machine that had potions that did various homebrew effects. Examples being a potion that granted a +2 bonus to AC against plants, a potion that cleared you of all current effects on you, and an improved health potion, 6d6+6, that had a 5% chance to poison you, specifically rolling a nat 1. During our final battle with said BBEG, I was low health and need to take a potion to not die. While I was rolling out my hit die, our halfling fighter brought up that since he was lucky, should he be able to reroll the nat 1 on the poisoned health potions since he was lucky? The DM said that that was a little too broken because he would probably never be poisoned so he decided to change the ruling so that you got poisoned on a 2 instead of a 1 as I was rolling the dice to see if i would be poisoned or not. Justices, I could not believe the number that had showed up on that dice. For it was in fact, a shout out to the 2 crew. The DM ruled that I was still indeed poisoned despite having just arbitrarily changed the number so that our halfling could be poisoned. So I ask you, do I have a right to be a little peeved at this ruling?

David Heintz

Posting on behalf of Michael M, May it please the Court, Several years ago, our party of four (Level 3s) entered into a Dwarven tournament of games. The 1st room was a philosophers-stone potion puzzle with five different-coloured potions - one of which opened the doorway when drank. A confusing poem handed to us was the key to the correct potion but we were stumped! After 20 mins irl, our Fighter unexpectedly drinks one, and the DM says he gets a stat bonus. My Goliath named Gurth follows suit and drinks one at the end. A black one. The DM looks at me chuckling and simply goes "You're dead." No hesitation. Offered no saving throws. Nothing. He points to the poem and it reads "At the edge lies death", "Therefore, Gurth just dies". Apparently the two black potions at each end were insta-death potions which were pre-planned. DnD Court, is this fair of the DM to do? Instant death at Level 3 on our 5th session?? At our time of need and confusion, our DM just left us out to dry? Then brutally poisoned me? Justices I beseech you, Is this fair?! Is this right?! Is this JUST?! May Gods have mercy on your Souls

Sophia

To the honorable, succulent, and juicy justices and the dry unseasoned bailiff, I have been engaged in a yearlong debate with my other D&D friends on one specific question: what type of damage does drowning deal? This arose from a theoretical conversation but since has become a fixture in our average session. This is especially relevant as one of our party members is a barbarian, and argues that it's bludgeoning (from hitting the water and water pressure) and thus she should take half damage while drowning. Please, Supreme Crit, set official precedent for this issue so my table (and undoubtedly countless others) can end this debate with word from an official authority.

The 2 Crew blew through

To the Blessed Judges and the sinful bailiff, This is the case of the Polyamourous Problems. My girlfriend of 3 years also has a husband (who in turn has a girlfriend). As I grew to know her, I found out her husband is also a huge D&D fan. My girlfriend was never into D&D and lightly mocked him for it. But when I came along, she showed interest and wanted to learn more, through both of us. I offered she could come to a 1 shot session one day, but her husband said she couldn't - if she was never willing to go with him when asked, she couldn't change her mind now. Justices, should my GF be able to come with me? Or is it right for her to stay? What atonement is required? We await your rulings (and paramour advice).

Ashton Adcock

To the most gracious crit and baby DM Jake, I bring you the case of the Shish Ka-Bobed character. A few years back during one of the earlier sessions in a new campaign my party and I, a Changeling Mastermind rogue named Ka, were investigating a haunted house. After some exploration we discovered that there was a demon in the basement and combat was initiated. My character was talking trash to the demon and beared the brunt of his attacks, eventually being knocked down. Here is where the issue arises, after being knocked down a fellow player casted fire bolt and rolled 2 nat 1's and the DM ruled that the fire bolts instead hit my unconscious body making me fail 2 death saves (side not they previously ruled no nat 20s on spells). I then proceeded to fail my last death save and my character died. Another party member, a homebrew scorpion man Barbarian, proceeded to cook my character and make me into Shish kabobs as it was "part of their culture" to honor the fallen. My party then hosted a party, feasting on my old character and attempted to make my new character eat it. I ask the court if the Nat 1 firebolts were fair and if my party was justified in eating them. I humbly await your ruling.

Quinn Nash

If it shall please the court: dishonorable What's your face and the wonderful amazing beautiful menagerie of justices, I have a case for you called "The sleepest soldier": In my most recent campaign I was playing Noble diplomat who just entered the city, I run into the rest of the party who already had a few sessions together and I invite them to my quarters to talk about their plans dealing with a cult inside the city. After a small discussion in my chambers the DM says "You all talk for hours and hear a guard knock at your door, it's early sunrise" The captain specifically wanted my audience and so I say to them "It's fishy they want my audience the second You guys come to my chambers, please Wait 15 minutes And if I'm not back try to find me" The captain talks to me and gives us a hook and I come back in my room to find both of my party members asleep and I in character, get frustrated with them and wake them up to tell them off, this causes them to leave my room And as I try to chase after them to explain why I'm upset They loudly yell "help this woman is chasing me", causing more attention while we're trying to stay hidden. Judges I ask this, Was it wrong for me to wake them up frustrated or should I just allowed them to sleep and not disturb them? I appreciate your time.

Julia Bond

To the honorable supreme crit justices and Jibbs, I bring you the case of the contested cannibalism. Our party encountered a survivalist (played by our DM) who helped us in a battle against some goblins. The battle went well, she proved helpful and the DM seemed to be willing to allow us to travel with her as an NPC. However, soon after the battle, our prospective DMPC said she was going to scavenge the flesh of the goblins we had just killed for food. Judges, we were icked out. We sent her away for being a cannibal. However, our DM insists that since goblins aren’t classified as humanoids, it isn’t cannibalism to eat them and the DMPC is not doing anything wrong. So I ask you, what says the Law?

David Klein
>>161132153

Here is a Google photos album with Pufferfish pictures (They are tiny and hard to take pictures of) also for a bonus there are some pictures of our Frogs https://photos.app.goo.gl/EX5CM6FqKHPZgZMSA

Joseph T

To the benevolent judges and the dropping it lowly bailiff. I bring forth the case of the razzed revivify. Years ago, playing my first ever character, a rightious paladin, our party reached our first large city. My character had decided to split from the party in search of information amongst the people of the streets about a secret ruling class of dragons within neverwinter. After having had a few NPC conversations my DM set bandits on my character in an alleyway. After failed attempts to dissuade them from attacking my paladin I quickly defeated them by using a javelin of lightning at my feet. When my DM gave me an opportunity to inspect my surroundings I rolled well, to which he revealed that I had unknowingly struck and killed a small orphan boy hidden in a barrel (none were mentioned until this point) Racked with guilt over catching this child in the crossfire, my character used his scroll of revivify. My DM asked me to make an arcana roll for casting the spell. I rolled low. My DM announced that the spell had worked but only enough to restore the poor child to a vegetative state. My character frantically tried mitigating the situation by giving all his gold and instructions that his orphanage use the money to take care of him. For the rest of the campaign, not only was I razzed by the rest of the table for "wasting" a scroll of revivify but also shamed whenever i tried to make a moral decision for my character. "Where was your mercy when you hurt that poor orphan boy Joe?". So I ask of the Justices, Was my DM cruel to thrust such an agregious act upon my character? Or was I deserving of all the razzle dazzle for being a first-time player Paladin?

itsellie

Emily! And family! I just found out I have a high gluten sensitivity/intolerance via a blood test. Any advice for me?

Ben Lavineway

Hi Emily & others I play as a half orc cleric in a home game with some guys from an old workplace. Nobody’s particularly good at improv roleplaying -myself included- so I don’t fault the table for most of the lazy “roll to seduce jokes” and whatnot but there is one thing that really crams my ram… I’ve practiced doing a good orc voice for all my character lines. The edgelord sor-lock fallen aasimar character I play beside speaks in a demon death growl voice. This voice is unsustainable for the player to do for multiple sentences, so when it INEVITABLY shears his vocal cords, he starts doing a voice identical to my orc voice. I don’t think it’s intentional stealing but it’s lowkey weird. Like get your own voice that works dude? Is this worth bringing up or should I just get over it? Thanks Emily love you

Victor T (Balnor's Boy)

To the venerable supreme crit Justices and the Obsequious ex justice Jepson. I have a case of the poorly timed plot twist. I had a campaign where I had every player come up with a plot twist I could use. One of my players said that he wanted me to “surprise him” and let me “have full control” and that “I could go as dark as I wanted”. His character obviously had amnesia but was searching for his childhood dog as his quest. I had peppered in hints that he had “not been himself” and he was responding well to it. Well… when the reveal came that he had been possessed by a demon and that the first victim was the dog I had assumed this would galvanize him to a quest for revenge against this demon. However, I was met with quiet silence. His gf was spectating and gasped and then texted me that the day before the session their dog had been run over and killed. They had not mentioned this to us and this quickly ended the session. I had planned this from the beginning and had not known about this issue… thankfully we worked things out but I can’t help but feel guilt that I didn’t spoil the surprise reveal beforehand?

Maeve Pagan

To the sweet, supple, and sensuous judges, and the man in a shockingly realistic Bailiff Jake costume—Hell, it could be Bailiff Jake himself— I present to you the case of the vampiric vibe avoidant PC. About two years ago, my amazing roommate DMed a vampire hunting one shot for our friends which was set in late nineteenth century Transylvania. She was meticulous in curating a certain spooky aura for the evening, even lighting candles throughout the otherwise dark room and wearing a black cape throughout the session. With a story taking place during such a specific time and place, one would assume that the players would create characters that at least somewhat match the energy, but one friend (let's call her Z), a first time player, insisted on role playing as a valley girl-esque 21 year old interpretive dance major at UCLA named Chastity, all the while being adamant that she’d maintain a toxic long distance text relationship with her boyfriend Chad back in California. Upon frequent gentle yet exasperated reminders from our saintly patient DM that her intention was for us to play a Victorian gothic horror session, the friend argued that she could play whatever she wanted as long as she was still hunting vampires, even if that involved her role playing texting her Californian situationship. Wise judges, was my friend in the wrong for refusing to adhere to the DM’s carefully curated vibe of the one shot, or am I just being too grumbly towards a first time player exploring the magic of dnd? I seek your wisdom and prostrate my humble self before your greatness.

Mason N.

May it please the Grand Court of Crit and that guy who played Jake from Jake and Amir. I propose to you all the case of the killer life domain cleric. I played in a 10 person campaign and am playing the party's healer, a Life Domain Cleric named Coach Hawke Barski. As part of his backstory, he was always bullied during school and thus became a coach to put an end to bullying. While the party was exploring, Coach Hawke Barski noticed a group of teens bullying a kid. He went over to confront the group and ended up getting punched in the nuts and getting table topped by the teens. For flair, the DM put him into a flash back of that exact thing happening to a young Coach Hawke Barski, and in the flashback he retaliated by punching the bully in the face. But in reality, he chose to be doing a 1st level Inflict Wounds uppercut to the teen bully in charge. It immediately killed the teen (who had commoner stats), and as a result, another party member, a Zealot Barbarian, did a reckless attack on Coach Hawke Barski and downed him. Once the tension settled, and Coach Hawke Barski was brought back up, he used all of his money and some of the other PC's money to do a Revivify on the teen and we moved along with the campaign. I get razzed about it from time to time, but I need to ask the court, am I in the wrong for playing along with the DM's flashback scenario and getting triggered by the trauma? Or should I have taken the high road and not retaliated? I await the court's decision in shame.

Paul D

To the honorable justices and bailiff of the Supreme Crit, I bring before you the case of the AI Art Abomination. My long-term group just started a new campaign, and it's off to a good start, except for one glaring issue: the other three players are using AI generated character portraits. Two of the PC portraits look fine, if a bit uncanny, but the Cleric (a human farmer) has an index finger that turns into a wooden hoe and it looks like Pinocchio's nose, among many other off details. When I made fun of the awful art, the Cleric's player got defensive and said they worked really hard to generate the picture. I told them it was a waste of time since there are actual pieces of art he could have used instead. Halfway through the first session, he switched his portrait to a less grotesque piece of AI Art. Then at the end of the session, the DM said that he wanted to learn how to make AI Generated battle-maps and portraits for the campaign. I argued - not for the first time - against the use of AI Art, and stressed that there is a bounty of authentic art to use instead. My pleas fell on deaf ears, and no one else in the campaign seems to mind. Am I right to razz them and put up a stink about their lack of taste and standards? Or am I being a luddite critic?

Philip Meade

To the beneficent justices of the crit, and the bailiff, I present the case of the deadly downtime. After a dangerous adventure, my character and the other PCs returned to our home town. The DM declared that we would be having some downtime, and presented us all with various plot hooks that popped up simultaneously in the town square. We each investigated one of the hooks, eager to get to know the town better. My Ranger investigated a missing person. Following the clues, I found a very bloody scene of the abduction, and followed tracks out to a cliff overlooking the sea. I ran into a vampire - easy prey for our whole party of 6 but deadly for little old me. Before I knew it, the vampire was making me their personal capri sun. Justices of the crit, was I wrong for expecting downtime to be safe? Or did I deserve to become a vampire’s dessert when I kept investigating after I found the bloody abduction scene? I prostrate myself before the crit and await your judgement.

HighGrove

To the Right Honorable Judges of the Supreme Crit and the lowly-est baliff Jake, I bring the Case of the Goodbye Gift Grift: In my college years I had the pleasure of being part of the an amazing DND campaign that stretched many years (big shout out to DM Kyle F; you set my imagination on fire). The adventure was a rousing success, but one moment has continued to nag at the back of my mind: the exit of the original party lineup's wizard. It was a natural, no bad feelings situation (he had finished school and was moving), and his exit was justified in-lore as his character dedicating himself to studying the portal-arcana we would eventually need to rescue another character from Bear Hell. He had his final session, got in his bows and roses, and exited with the vast majority of the party's cash supply to fund his research. Smash cut to four sessions later, and one of the party members asks the DM if we've heard how the research is progressing. Imagine our surprise to hear that no research was being done. The wizard had absconded with nearly all of our gold, not to research how we might confront the Bear Devil, but to fuck off to a personal Retirement Plane like some sort of Elminster meets Danny Ocean. I put it to the court: Was this a dick move, or an objectively hilarious goof? At the time more than one party member insisted that stealing from other party members is intrinsically toxic behavior, while others felt that happening as a players' final act took it out of the realms of bad table behavior and into the realms of storytelling. Were we rightfully fleeced like the sheep we are, or should the wizard's Retirement Plane have been raided by the Interplanar Bureau of Investigation? I humbly await your judgement.

Rob H.

To the respectable judges and that bailiff who is capable of stealing... anything... I bring you the case of the phantom cleric. During lockdown I DM'd a sci-fi campaign for some online friends. I am pretty sure the person playing our cleric never picked any spells or a subclass. I don't thing he ever made a character sheet. It was all virtual so I can't be sure, but I think he only brought a D20 or two to every session. One his turns in combat he would say things like, "cure wounds maybe?" Or "what spells do clerics have?" And then have me look up a spell or tell him what to do. He was always cheerful and ready to join in when I had NPCs interact with him. I know he had a lot going on personally and it was certainly not a time where we were all at our best. But we played in this sci-fi sandbox for almost a year. Was I right to handle all the mechanics for him or should I have put my foot down?

Katherine

To the cardinals of dice christ, I wish to share a tale of inspirational Conception. For the past several years, my husband and i have been in a playing a saga with friends in candlelight keep. it recently culminated in my kalashtar bard killing a young blue dragon in the final scene of a campaign. Coincidentally, I also learned I was pregnant about a month later. My DM, so moved by the timing of my character and real life arc, believes he has peaked! And has not continued the storyline. So I confess to dice Christ and his vessels: my baby bump has bumped our tabletop game off the map 😅

naddpod
>>161136741

ooooh boy. Some things its in that you don't realize: licorice, soy sauce, some french fries (beyond cross contamination), liquid iv. Basically my advice is... google everything. It is lurking! My other advice would be that restaurants are getting better with this kinda stuff! Looking up places that have gluten free labels will be a huge weight off your mind, too. Oh, and brazilian cheese bread is awesome and gluten free. Tapioca starch, rice flours, and potato starch are your new best friends. -Emily

Scramble Ma’am

To the Deacons of light, I am a YAunt with a confession. I ran a one shot for my husband and 15yo niece and nephew. This session can only be described as one frustrating cluster. These children of thunder tested me and I failed. My niece was drawing, taking selfies, and would get up to dance around randomly, while my nephew was more engaged, he was caught cheating and watching music videos. They were texting each other and sharing earbuds. My husband asked if they wanted to play and they kept saying yes. Here lies my sin. Towards the end of the game, I lost it. I yelled at them, full ugly shouting. I stepped away to collect myself then we finished the one shot. Is there grace for me or am I bound to end up in the 5th level of hell with the other rotten DMs?

apis mellifera

To the most esteemed justices and the infinitesimally intellectual bailiff, I present to you the case of super sonic turns Me and two other more experienced players often take turns dm-ing as we play with different people, and we've been playing a campaign with players who are fairly new to the game and don't remember the rules very well every time our schedules manage to align. This causes their turns to take very long, which the other two experienced players have expressed frustration with, so we somewhat simplified the game for now to make combat run smoother. This was fine. Unfortunately, my friends now seem to have developed an obsession with speeding up combat, and get incredibly irritated with turns that essentially don't happen instantly. I agree that no one needs to take three minutes searching for their dice and you should think about what to do before it's your turn, but justices, I get hounded when I take thirty seconds to place my fireball on the battlemap after my party members moved somewhere I didn't expect them to on their turns! The final straw for me was when, during one of our oneshots, I was playing the artificer alchemist healer of our three person party. During a hard boss battle I started my turn by asking "does anyone need a heal?" prompting the table to erupt in "just take your turn!" and "think about that beforehand!". I thought about my turn beforehand, but I'm not keeping track of other people's hp and I'm not gonna interrupt someone else's turn to ask! I got really nervous and just focused on attacking for the rest of the fight. When I later brought up that my turns never take all that long (below a minute with full casters, which I prefer playing while my friends are partial to martials) and I'm a bit uncomfortable with the stressful environment around the table lately, my friends apologised for yelling at me as it was late and that particular session had gone on for too long and everyone was tired, but they in general just wanted to improve the game. Since then I have been scared to play my usual clerics and bards and have been sticking to rangers and paladins, even though they're not really my thing, and there haven't been any major issues like this ever since. Justices, I am a big crybaby, so I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive here or if my friends are being a lot. Would you say I need to man up and either take quicker turns or continue to play simpler classes, or do my party members need to chill?

ESTRID huhtamaa

to the acclaimed justices and the bailiff i present to you the case of the too scary guy. i was playing dming in a horror campaign in 5th edition set in a land of eternal night,The party had just lost a player character in an ambush of creatures called nightshades, basically just shadow monsters, on the city they were staying in. the player whos character had met a grizzly end and i talked and decided they could be one of these nightshades who had deserted as they they had memories of a human life. They join the party and tho at first the party is suspicious at them they soon become a party member. Heres the problem: the party but most of all the tabaxi rouge would not let them talk to anyone, fearing the townspeople may be scared. The nightshade player would dress up in a lovely dress yet they would never get the chance to speak to any townsfolk. After player frustration i told the party that tho it was unusual and some may be a bit suspicious the townsfolk were probably not going to attack the nightshade just for existing, being used to creatures of all kinds. I got back from one the tabaxi rouges player that this was highly unrealistic and that they would not want to be in a game with such unrealism. Judges; I can agree that it was not the most realistic outcome but i feel i needed to let my player talk with my npcs and be seen in public, who is to blame here? The tabaxi rogue, the nightshade or me the dm? I honestly don't even know myself.

Gearoid Cotter

To the most honourable justices on high, Axford, Tanner, Murphy and Guest, as well as the more or less honourable bailiff, I wanna say Jack? I present to you the case of my dm turning my character evil. I play a fighter in a long running homebrew campaign. My DM has said alignment is important in his world, so I am trying to play a lawful neutral character. However, my DM seems to think otherwise. While searching a dungeon for some rebels we are tentatively working with, we see signs of a battle, and enter a room with some ogres fighting some brownies. With no creature showing anything to identify itself, the party decides to take out both sides, starting with the brownie spellcasters and continue through the dungeon. As I rolled highest initiative, i attacked first. The DM later revealed the brownies were working with the rebels and had the king of the brownies put a curse on my character for the “evil” act of slaughtering his people (apparently one of the brownies only pretended to be dead and reported our actions). Another example would be from sessions later, the party comes across an abandoned fort that has been completely destroyed. Having been attacked at least 4 days ago, the main building is in ruins, with huge monsters moving amongst the rubble. The courtyard is covered in dead bodies and carrion eaters. We decide to clear out some of the outlying buildings still standing before heading to the destroyed keep. In one cramped building, we hear movement from upstairs. Trying to avoid fighting in a small space, I throw a torch into the building to smoke out anything inside and give us an advantage as they rush out the door to meet us. However, the DM declares immediately that we hear screams of civilians, who had been hiding in the building since the fort was attacked and that they all die in the blaze. No opportunity to save them, dead straight away. He then looks at me and says what an evil character I’m playing, to kill innocents for no reason. Justices! I beg a ruling on this! Is my character truly evil for acting without all the facts, or is my DM distorting the facts afterwards to push my character down a dark path?

Bev

Dear esteemed judges and orange cat of a bailiff, Jorts: I wrote on behalf of a friend of mine who does not listen to your podcast. My friend (let's call him K) was in a D&D campaign. The campaign was a dungeon crawler that was 90% combat and 10% roleplay. Every fight the party got into, the DM would introduce a new, ultra-powerful enemy. At the same time, the DM would nudge their girlfriend (a player in the game), and the two of them would share a knowing glance and conspiring smirk. No one other than the DM and their girlfriend would recognize the character, so my friend and the rest of the party simply assumed they were perhaps the girlfriend's original characters, or perhaps they were cameos from another campaign they shared together. When the party fought the boss, they rarely landed a hit, and the DM would say that it was because the enemy would not be affected by any of these attacks. Later, K discovered that the reason that the DM's girlfriend recognized the character was not, in fact, because they were cameos from another campaign. Instead, every single ultra-powerful NPC that the party had fought was in fact a character from Final Fantasy. K ghosted the campaign shortly after learning the truth about the big bads, but I write in to ask you: should he have simply kept playing and dealt with it or were he (and the rest of the party) wronged by being forced to fight an endless parade of characters from Final Fantasy against their will?

Danny Kittens

To the candy-coated Justices and the Bailiff with a gooey nougat center, I present the case of the Not-So-Magical Magic Weapons. Years back, our main DM took a sabbatical, so a fellow party member swooped in with a side quest that ended up featuring duergar blacksmiths—who, impressed by our legendary feats, granted us the honor of embedding mystic gems into our gear. These sparkly stones granted mild boons like a vampiric, HP-draining attack, but only once per long rest, nothing game-shattering. When our OG DM returned, they officially declared the detour (and our shiny upgrades) fully canon. Fast forward a few years: we’re in another dungeon and up against a black pudding. Being heroic cowards, we were able to defeat it with ranged attacks. Our DM laughed and said it was for the best that we didn’t try to melee it, as black puddings corrode non-magical weapons, adding permanent −1 penalties to damage rolls. We countered that our duergar-augmented arms were surely magical. Our DM responded that the gems might be magic, but the weapons aren’t on any magic item list, so they would have been fair game. Delicious Justices and gooey Bailiff, I ask you: Are our gem-studded blades truly magical, or are we just wielding fancy, pudding-prone cutlery?

Ziel R.

To the benevolent barristers and the ballyragged bailiff I present the curious case of the cabbage conundrum. All alliteration aside, I recently joined a long-running campaign, and upon finishing the questline that the crew was on when I joined and returning to the party’s home base of operations, the party’s Path of Redemption paladin, asked me to use my character’s Telepath abilities to help him with a long-running issue the party had. Thus was I introduced to an orc named Cabbage. Cabbage was an early game antagonist that the paladin was convinced could be rehabilitated, but the rest of the party was less sure of. With no real consensus reached in the party, he had been under house arrest at the adventurer’s guild hall that served as the party’s base. The paladin began to interrogate Cabbage while my telepath sat back and used a mix of Detect Thoughts and the telepath’s ability to mentally speak to other characters to compare notes with what Cabbage was saying, what he was thinking, and what the other party members thought, but it quickly became apparent that something was very wrong with Cabbage. He had no surface thoughts, and deep dives lead to sepia-tone series of images viewed as if by an outside observer. A series of high insight, arcana, and investigation checks later lead to the realization that Cabbage had no thoughts of his own. He had a spell cast on him that prevented him from forming a personality/opinions making him an easily controllable minion for the BBEG. Upon realizing this, I chose to dispel the magic and release him from the spell. The rest of the party and the DM seemed excited by this turn of events, but the paladin was L I V I D. He pulled me aside after the session and really laid into me shouting things like “that was MY NPC and MY questline! No one asked you to interfere! You had no right to ruin my NPC!” Did I fuck up? I admit, I was a little overzealous to prove myself and establish my place in the party so I took some big swings there. For the past several weeks since then, the paladin player has been making frequent snide comments/sarcastic remarks. Saying things like “why don’t you try a detect thought? That always works for you” even if there’s no reason to use detect thoughts. And in the cases that I DO use Detect Thoughts, he always makes a comment like “yeah, you WOULD do that”.

nothingzero

To the exceptional bailiff, full of wonder and intrigue, and to the court, who are there, I have a disturbing tale to spin. Years ago when I first started playing dnd, I had to play over discord while my friends were playing mostly in person with me on speakerphone. I was a tabaxi rogue, and we had sneaked up on a trap door which we knew someone was hiding under. I I told me dm “I am holding my action” (a short bow with an arrow knocked,) “in case anyone comes out at me.” Who popped out, but a child beggar, who it turns out we had been following. This was a surprise to us as we thought we were following an adult criminal. My DM ruled I had to fire the arrow since I said I had held my shot, and I killed the poor kid. :( this of course changed my character drastically for the rest of the campaign, but I always thought this ruling was wrong. Court, should this young soul still be alive? Please punish accordingly.

Honeycomb

To the highest ballif in all the land, and the other guys, I bring to you the case of the buff wizard and the flimsy fighter. I had been playing in an online campaign, and while I was not one of the main two players, it still bugs me about this DMs decision. The party consisted of an dwarf war magic wizard who with some feats, racial traits and a 16 strength was actually able to wear armor, an elven fighter who used a bow, so high dex, and dumped strength, and myself a rogue. We were traveling through a dungeon, and came across a large boulder blocking a passageway. Because he had the highest strength, our wizard tried to push the boulder. He rolled around a 15, but the DM said that was a failure. The fighter tried to do the same, and only rolled a 10, but the DM said that was a success. When all of the players tried to argue that the Wizard should have been able to move the rock, the DM was firm and claimed “Why would someone who just studies books be able to move the rock and not a trained fighter? DCs should be different for different characters” after a bit of arguing, we gave up but i still hold this question with me. Should our jacked mage have been able to move this boulder, or is the DMs idea of different DCs for different PCs the way to go?

Honeycomb

I beseech the four clergymen all in one confessional booth somehow, I feel the weight of a crime I did not know I committed at the time. I have been playing mainly with a group for just about a year and a half. About six months in, another player, who has been playing for awhile but never DMed, wanted to run a small prewritten oneshot. Always happy to play, I joined in with a draconic bloodline kobold sorcerer. After we had made our way through multiple traps and enemies and found the boss room, we short rested before going in. it was a difficult fight against an animated statue of a minotaur, who did massive chunks of damage with swings from his ax. Near the end of the fight, its attacks were focused at me, the d6 hit die sorcerer. While i had not gotten hit yet, and i was able to block its first swing with shield, i was critted on with its second swing. The DM rolled the dice, and silently looked at my health. He then narrated that after the dust settled, there i was standing, 3 hp remaining, and it was my turn next where i was able to use fireball, killing it. It was a very badass moment, and left us all having a great night. The sin i learned only a month ago and it weighs on me daily. We record our sessions for posterity's sake, and i was rewatching it to enjoy the scene. After our short rest, i told the DM i was back to full, but i didnt roll that great and something didnt sit right with me. Because i still had the character sheet, i looked back to check my math. I had mistakenly added my Draconic Resilience feature to my short rest rolls, but it only increases your max HP, not hit dice. The extra amount, 5 HP. just enough that i should not have survived the hit. I feel like a fraud. I still play with the group, but i feel too ashamed to tell them my folly. so I plead to you, am i still worthy in Dice Christ’s eyes, or am I a cheat, who didn't deserve his badass moment?

AutoReroll

To the audio representatives of RNG-sus I need your help in identifying a potential sin and translating a terrifying omen sent by the dice of Gnome Ranger the Halfling Warlock. My players and I have just started a Curse of Strahd campaign and recently finished The Death House which is the setting of this omen. Without spoiling the campaign, my players had completed the final challenge in the house (if you know, you know) and were leaving the house. Since my players were heading through a new corridor, I had decided to move a spike pit trap that I had forgotten to trigger earlier. My fighter fell in, took half of their total hp, had a good laugh and got healed up by the group. Thats where things get weird. Ranger the Warlock decided to jump over the pit, with advantage he rolled a 2 and a 3 with -1 to dex. Rolling for damage I rolled nearly max and put Ranger beyond the threshold for saving throws. The group then faught through the final challenges with 3 of them landing on the doorstep making saving throws with only the Cleric making it out cleanly. Holy Rollers, did I anger Dice Christ by moving the trap? Or were they just excited to meet my players new character (kobold alchemist)?

Doctor Ransom

To the most magnolious Supreme Crit justices Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and esteemed guest, and also the lowly x(♾️) bailiff Cakeob Cakewitz, I bring you the case of “The Smitten Paladin.” While playing in a one-shot with some good buds of mine, a very sticky and intense situation occurred during the final battle with the big bad guy. My “friend” James, who was playing as a warforged Paladin named Junkbot, got charmed by an Incubus and immediately turned towards my PC, then asked the Incubus much too eagerly, “Shall I Divinely Smite him, Master?” After hitting my character twice, Junkbot used his highest level spell slots to Divine Smite me on both attacks, after which my PC dropped unconscious. Our party then TPK’ed immediately afterwards. Justices, I beseech thine most discerning deliberation. Was this Incubus-smitten Paladin well within his right to savagely smite my guy or should they have toned it down a notch? I await your most shrewd and sangfroid of sentences. P.S. - To my ‘friend’ James, “Fuck you, I love you, eat a rat.”

Jack L

To the lofty Justices and softy Bailiff, I present the case of the Habitual Murder Hobo. My group has been playing together for six years, in every campaign, one of our players eventually does something unnecessarily aggressive and violent, or simply thoughtless, resulting in major consequences. For the sake of table unity the rest of the players have always at least partially rolled with it, dealing with the consequences and changed adventure trajectory together. For our newest campaign we said ahead of time that we wanted to be classic good guys. In the very first session after our characters had just met, we were hassled by thugs. Without attempting any kind of negotiation, the player drew first and killed the thugs while the rest of the party looked on in shock. When the guards arrived to check on the situation, the rest of the players immediately ratted him out for murder, leading to him being arrested. After a tense end to the session, the player spent the week complaining to the DM (they are coworkers) and the DM decided to release his character at the start of the next session. The rest of the characters refused to continue with him and now we are at a standstill as a table. Justices, are we justified in demanding he roll a new character, or should we suck it up one more time for the sake of table peace?

Saoirse

May it please the court and that beautiful bailiff, I present a case of election fraud A while back I joined a group of teenagers to play a Strahd campaign. One session, everyone ran in an election to replace the mayor. I instead campaign managed another player. I gave him advantage on his speech, then spent 2 hours sitting there. I'll admit I was bitter, so before the votes were decided, I rigged the election in my candidate's favor. This proceeded to enrage every player at the table. Lots of yelling ensued and it fully derailed from there, ending with a ballot box full of hot oil and ball bearings. This had no real effect on our campaign at all, and the DM said my candidate would have won anyway. So the question stands: am I the bad guy? Did I make this a main character moment, or did these teens screw me over? Much love, I await your deliberation

Cassi

Dice Christ Compels Us I come not for communion and forgiveness, but to request an Exorcism from the Holies on High of Dice Crisis in Christ. At first it was just the one friend of four who we joked had the worst rolls. They would consecutively roll 1s and 2s, almost never broke a dice roll of 10 for the first year of play. During that time I bought them new dice which stank worse. They switched to a computer which helped their average only a little. But soon my other friends would start to fall under the curse too. This possession makes every significant roll terrible. We all joked about it. But as the DM I worried. I was rolling really high, failing to fail spell DCs, catching them in deceptions checks, being unnaturally perceptive as NPCs. My bad guys and mysteries were whooping booty against their low rolls. I kept telling myself that the dice are telling a story, but is the story that they’re all losers born to die?! I have done all I can - I stopped asking for vital rolls that would allow the story to progress, lowered DCs, switched MY dice to the computer, giving them one stat bump EVERY level or sometimes just because they rolled well. Just the other week they couldn’t roll a perception check over 10 even with all four of them rolling with advantage and two of them being proficient. In the 3 years since I started tracking my 4 players rolls and they have literally rolled a natural 20 collectively 17 times. They are starting to expect to fail. No one laughs now. Please. Grant us your light and exorcise the demon who has inhibited this game, causing good players to loose faith. Tell me what I can do to once again bring the Light of Dice back. We await your exercises in dice exorcisms. Amen.

Eden Hunter

Can you crank it mid session if it's online and you're bored?

Nyx

Is it a sin to lay off the gas? I roll like shit. Because of this proclivity for bad rolls I balance my combat around it. It has always been a thing in my games and in our pre session ritual of rolling 5d20 I rolled a nine total so I assumed it would be a good combat for my players. I. Was. Wrong. I rolled averagely and things got dire. I feared a TPK in a moment that was supposed to be scary but not lethal showing of an evil’s empire soldiers and I started to play the baddies dumb and less focused. Splitting damage and pealing off to complete other objectives, “forgetting” abilities and generally playing in a dumb way. Because of this and a few clutch rolls from my party they were able to just barely pull it out. After the game I was talking to one of them and though relieved that her character didn’t die she knew me well enough to know I threw the fight and that my average rolls were the problem in the balance. I ask the church is it wrong to throw a fight with bad tactics and should I learn to fear average rolls? I lay judgment at the feet of dice christ and their holy clergy.

Nic’s Bakes

Dear esteemed judiciary Caldwell, Axford, and Murphy. And Jake (derogatory), I play in a group consisting of the DM, myself, and two newbies. Our DM is running Dragon of Icespire Peak as an introduction for the two players who've never played DnD before. When we were building characters, one of the players really wanted to be able to fly. Our DM allowed it, but it's cause some difficulties. Most notably, we don't have a consistent size for her character (Fairy Rogue Johnny U'tah.) We've decided Johnny's a small-sized humanoid, but recently when sneaking into a fortress Johnny wanted to hide in the cloak pocket of another PC. There was some back and forth but in the end the DM allowed it. In other situations Johnny has been treated as roughly as big as a medium-sized dog, so I brought that up, but our DM allowed it anyway. (To be clear, this wasn't a magical cloak with magical pockets.) I let it be and haven't brought it up, but it feels like our DM keeps bending/changing rules for our new players. Should I be insisting a little more on consistency and rule following, or would that just make me a stick in the mud who's ruining the game for new players who just want to have fun? P.S. Our DM is Viggo Mortenson's son and I asked him about the Viggo Horse defense and he said "I dunno. He likes horses a lot. Maybe more than he likes most people."

katie potato

MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT: the luscious locked judges and the duke of limbs who gabs like hes at a sleepover; I bring to you the case of the hot mess (DRAMA 2 electric boogaloo) Hi, I’m Katie, and I play dnd with some equally teenage friends, including my closest friend at the table and my neighbor, who lets call Evan. I got inspired to play from your podcast and d20 and I love the game but heres the thing. I have feelings for Evan, and he doesn't know. I really really like him and we have serious chemistry, but the DM recently discovered my feelings for Evan and told me in confidence that if I confessed, I wouldn't be welcome back at the table because this would “ruin the dynamic of the game”, I was ready to accept my life of quiet pining in accordance with the decree of justice Iyengar, but I recently discovered that the DM might also like Evan. Now, I am afraid that if my DM found out so easily (and tells the rest of the party), then Evan will too, and If I tell him and he doesnt reciprocate (as I fear he might) I will ruin the table dynamic as well as a great hobby and an amazing friendship? Am I wrong for wanting to confess my feelings? Or will it make things too weird? I humbly await your judgement, wise council. May your rolls ever be 20s and your siblings ever be peaceful. (LOVE YOU ALL)

Elin Frisk
>>161132597

I know I'm not a Justice or Bailiff, so I'm sorry if I'm butting in but as a woman this story made me so upset! Don't let them ruin this fantastic game for you! My tip would be start casually mentioning to people around you that you want to try D&D. That's what I did when I wanted to try it for the first time, and to my surprise I had so many friends that were already playing or who also wanted to play. It's a great way to find a campaign to join or to find a friend who can come with you to the gaming shop next time. You could probably also find some people to play with here :D I hope you'll give it another shot, trust me there are lots of people out there who'll be so happy to see you at their table!

JessMayWin

May it please the judges and the bailiff who has their girlfriend stolen. I bring the case of the bungled bathroom ambush. In a game (with strangers - roll20) we were tasked with kidnapping the daughter of a wealthy merchant - the only problem was, according to the DM, 'she never leaves her mansion and has at least 2 guards with her at all times'. We spent around 2 sessions trying to solve this issue in a variety of ways, which the DM continued to shoot down (can we infiltrate the merchant's militia and try and get on her guard shift? No. Start a fire at her estate to smoke her out? No. You get the idea). In desperation I suggested that I, the bard, polymorph into a fly and try to sneak through a crack in the window while she was on the loo and then dimension door out of the mansion, as I reasoned that surely she would have to be alone while doing her business. The DM flat out refused, saying the guards would also accompany her to the toilet. The whole thing left us feeling pretty.... crap.... to be honest. I humbly ask the court - would someone being guarded at all times expect their guards to be with them when they're on the can, or was my idea, as gross as it was, a viable one? How do you deal with a DM who seems to have a very specific idea of how a problem should be solved? p.s. after this same in-game day continued with no further success for another 2 SESSIONS i followed Murph's cardinal rule and got some new friends to play with

Emily J

Dear judges of the supreme court and the oft underrated beautiful baby boy bailiff Jake. I humbly bring before you the case of the recycled campaign. Please have one of the judges enter the milk bath as this case discusses a potential future crime. A few months ago my friend started DM-ing a homebrew campaign for our friend group. Because our DM was very busy I helped out as a DM assistant (helping people come up with their backstories, building a character and writing a combat cheat sheet for new players ) All was going well, we even went on a weekend trip to kick off the campaign and play all weekend. But by session 3 one of the players was obviously not engaged during the game, sitting in the corner playing dress up games on their phone. The other 2 were slightly more into the game but the second my character was off to do something by herself they had no idea what they were supposed to be doing because they hadn't taken any notes or really paid attention. The session ended and the DM confided in me that they felt very unmotivated to continue with the way things were going. Before we could have another session or even discuss it with the group the 2 slightly more engaged players broke up which led to us cancelling the remaining sessions we had planned because they were uncomfortable being in the same room together. So judges, my question is this. Would the DM and I be wrong to find different players and try this campaign again? The DM worked really hard on the world building and I am so excited to play my Lunar Sorcerer Aasimar and explore this universe full of verdant chaos magic, small forgotten spirits and cat familiars that tuck you in at night. Please enjoy the freshly baked cookies to go with the milk bath as I anxiously await your judgement. Xoxo Another Emily

Logan Stock

To the Shiny Golden Justices and the Rusty Bronze Bailiff I present the case of Merty Chlap. A friend and DM of mine had gotten some cool dice that you could role to determine a race and class for a character. We rolled a d20 for class level and I ended up with my level 18 Pact of the Undead Half Orc Warlock Merty Chlap. We were tasked with exploring a mysterious disappearing mansion which dimensional doors to unlock its secrets and seize control of it for ourselves, the catch being that we only had 2 hours to complete the dungeon. The problem comes as we were about to enter the final room with 15 minutes or so. In preparation Merty activated his 14th level ability that separated his soul and his body and stored his body in a bag of holding since one of his class features said he didn’t need oxygen. Upon entering the doorway the DM narrated how Merty, untethered from form, was nearly torn from reality but escaped back to his body with 6d10 psychic damage, having lost his ability. I accepted the L but was a little peeved to not be able to use the ultimate ability of my character and had taken a lot of damage as well. So justices I ask: was I wrong to attempt to pre buff before the final fight or should I have been allowed to go all out but just this once? I humbly await your decision.

EverythingsBetterWithCheese

To the resplendent judges and the rather shabby bailiff, if it may please the court I present the case of the “Imitated Introduction”: ' I have been DM’ing a campaign that meets biweekly for a little over a year now. Before every session I send out a chapter introduction to get my players excited. Exhibit A: “Chapter 13 - In the Mouth of Madness: Deep below the city of Neverwinter the Keepers engage in a deadly battle against the warlock cat servants of Y'Chak. With Sarkas and Quince driven mad, the party must fight to save Mr. Farnsworth and themselves. Can the party survive this furrious feline fracas? Find out tonight at 6pm!” One of the players in my campaign, we’ll call him J, also DM’s a campaign in which I play. This campaign has been going on for close to a year and in that time J had never done any sort of session introduction. However, last week J set out the following introduction. Exhibit B: “Chapter 25: the Va’eytar (and Kaid) continue battling the everfold sprites to untangle the knotfruit puzzle. Will they be successful? Tune in to find out!” So I ask the court, do I have grounds to sue for plagiarism? Have I been wronged, or should I view this imitation merely as flattery? I await your wise and noble judgement.

Matthew

To the extremely hot judges and the strange looking bailiff I bring you my case of the campaign ending counter spell. While playing in a pirate campaign we had planned a stealth mission to get some documents for our pirate boss. This compound we are attempting to raid was surrounded by cliffs, we decided to attack from above and target the biggest threat. We were able to successfully sneak to our positions and waited for our bard to cast hold person on a surprise round. When hold person was cast the boss was able to counter spell without knowing the hold person was being cast ruining our plan. We argued that since the enemy had no clue the spell was cast it wouldn’t work but the dm wouldn’t even give his reasoning for counter spell working. This made everyone kind of lose interest in what was happening in the session. After that along with other issues we had with the dm as a person we stopped playing that campaign for good. So I ask you judges who shall have to spend eternity in davy joneses locker me crew or the dm

RichPanda

To the incredulous judges and the gorgeous bailiff... and Murph. If it may please the court I present to you the case of "Power Word: Kill" I am the forever DM for my group. And 2 campaigns ago I decided to try out having a secret player villain, who's name was Mori, thinking that I would give Mori small hints leading the party towards learning that they were in fact an evil homunculus created by 2 archdevils. I was hoping this would take them upwards of 10-20 sessions to figure out but I guess my evil player had other ideas. They were playing what was essentially a level 20 sorcerer who was supposed to pretend to be weaker. But just a mere 3 sessions in he decided to kill another player's, who's name is Riggle Meister, adopted goblin son Garbo. Because he obtained and attuned to the Sword of Zariel. This left me dumbfounded and i didnt even know how to react. I let it play through because I didn't want to stop the session's momentum. But immediately afterwords Riggle's player stood up and left. We ended the session there because I didn't want to continue without him. I still feel awful especially because this was everybody's favorite NPC. He wasn't especially powerful or anything. Mori's player said he wanted to prove a point. Was my idea flawed from the start? Was there another solution other than letting Garbo die? Whatever punishment might await me I shall accept gracefully. Unless it comes from Murph then I'll accept it begrudgingly.

Aidan Felker

May Dice Christ please forgive my First time DM sins. It was a glorious year long epic campaign and my party of best friends and my brother had finally reached the well thought out BBG. Everything was going great, i had even brought their npc cleric best friend back as a death cleric to fight against them as well. My party demolished the BBG after about 6 turns and My level 20 home brew blood genie had been put into an impromptu second phase way to fast. After another couple of smites and high level fire balls his minions were dead and he was down to 10 hp. Terrified i had the Genie cast Wish and reset the battle. My party (very rightfully) p’ed off about the fight fought him again. I then explained that they had been caught in a time loop fighting this boss in his holy lair over and over and over for all time, ending the campaign. I know its wrong and I knew it was wrong. Since this has happened i have accomplished some awesome DM feats, and my party still plays all the time. I pray to dice christ to grant me forgiveness and allow me to move on from this haunting 1st time DM choice. 🙏

Evan Cordero

Just some well wishes you guys are staying safe with the wildfires

FireKing17

To the amenable supreme crit justices and the often maligned, but never deserved bailiff, I write in a time of dire need. Over the years, I have listened and sympathized with the plight of many stunned players. It is with a heavy heart I share my tale: I was the host of our weekly sessions, we held strong to a beer rotation with a common theme, everyone but the DM buys the beer. We were completing a Mind Flayer arc and my half-orc paladin had been stunned intermittently for two weeks. The next week I was on the beer rotation, I grabbed a 30 of our beer of choice (Michelob Ultra, not an ad) prepped the fridge and got the basement set up for game night. I brought a coworker guest cleric (don’t worry he was stunned all night). We ran up on the Elder Brain and his various minions and my paladin was yet again stunned for the entire evening. I caught flak for my guest and I ripping half the beers, but what else were we supposed to do? It is for this reason I propose an amendment to the Critstitution permanently banning player stuns: ye who provides the beer, should never fear (your character getting stunned for 3 weeks straight).

copperpauper

To the Powerful Justices and Balliff Jaaake, I bring the case of the DM PC Powertrip. In the college dnd club my friends ran, I was assigned to one of the new groups to make sure that everything went smoothly. It was a Pretty Normal Campaign in the quests and enemies, with us fighting demons across the world. However, we were told, guided, and geberally led around by the DM PC, a level 20 Paladin named Arthas. (I didn't know this was a WoW thing until like a year later.) Justices, this paladin would appear, before and after every adventure, tell us what to do, and respond to us asking why he couldn't help with "I'm doing other, more important things." One time, when a roll on a poorly thought out random encounter table had a group of Level 5 adventurers fight an Ancient Red Dragon, Arthas appeared and one shot it while we had to hide in the woods. It reached a head after the 4th dungeon, where we learned that the demons had a plan to literally explode the entire material plane. When the paladin appeared, half of us got various levels of testy, from my mild grumbling to the wizard calling Arthas a quote unquote "Stupid Asshole." This was our last game, as the dm made a sub group of people who liked his paladin. Court, should we accept that there are players in the world far better than us, or is it fine to ask for DM PC's to be a little worse? I wait for your unerring wisdom.

Millie Long

To the effulgent, and honestly pretty cute, Supreme Crit Justices and whatever random subterranean rat-like of an unpaid intern is reading this. I bring to you the case of the DM shutdown. I, a level 11 sorcerer & level 1 warlock at the time, was playing in a grimdark-themed 5E campaign some months ago, along with 4 other players + the DM. We were set on a quest to rescue a bishop taken from a fishing village. After investigating the village, we found their discarded holy symbol. Further exploration of the village led us to find the entire village at the beach for a wedding between village women and a Cthulu-esque monster while the bishop was nearby, dazed and chained on top of a spike-covered tower. After scaring away most of the villagers present, leaving us with just the more devoted cultists from the village and the demonic abominations running the scene, combat ensued. Seeing that the bishop was dazed and being used to channel some occult power while he was powerless, I flew up to the top of the tower at the behest of a few other party members, handing me the holy symbol and suggesting it might help. However, he appeared unconscious, so after spending the turn trying to wake him up, I was told to pull him away. I would have to land on the obviously fucked up occult tower described as likely going to fuck me up if I stepped on it, so I didn't. On my next turn, I decided to eldritch blast the bishop's chains holding them in place so I could pull them away from the focusing tower, only to be told I'd take a -5 to hit and roll at disadvantage for trying to target the chains and would need to deal 30hp to them, and if I missed a blast would hit the 25hp bishop with my damage instead. I thought this was an unfair ruling as it didn't seem difficult to visualize chains not immediately wrapped around the bishop's body that I could target. I pushed back against the verdict, but after the DM wouldn't budge, I deferred to their ruling rather than making a thing out of it. But no problem; I have like a +11 to hit and roll 3 eldritch blasts per turn at this level! 3 turns and 9 eldritch blast rolls later, while the rest of the party was busy fighting, the cultist, the bishop was at 3hp, and I'd barely scratched the chains. Giving up on the next turn, the bishop was magically pushed off the tower, and in an attempt to save him, I used my telekinetics feat to try and push them further away from the tower so they wouldn't die specifically on the tower where the ritual would likely be triggered. Only to fail to a difficult DC and the bishop dying on the spikes of the tower. The result? An even more difficult Cthulu-esque monster being summoned to this fight we were already looking pretty bad in (possibly because I spent 4 turns trying to stop the ritual rather than helping thin the herd?) 1 round into fighting this newly summoned monster, I was hit with a feeblemind spell and made a useless blubbering idiot for the rest of the session. Ultimately, we barely survived the encounter after some rounds of pulled punches by the DM. But I left the session mostly feeling punished for trying to be creative in resolving an encounter and using the situation the DM themselves set up. While this is a situation we are long past in the campaign, and I'm enjoying it at the end of the day, this remains a situation that's always stuck in my mind. So, cute judges, should I give up trying to be creative in my solutions, or should I just resign to it, not being that kind of campaign and accepting that killing will always simply be the answer to life's problems? Sidebar: This case was prepared on the assumption that one alleged to be "Jake" "Hurwitz" was the bailiff, and I am therefore forced to retract my initial statement on the interim bailiff's frankly disgusting subterranean rat-like status and instead defer to their honestly charmingly likeable rat status instead.

Jackson D

To the honourable court and that little guy Jack, I present to you the case of the Long jump into Lava. Standing at a L-shaped corner of a metal platforms, our party’s Cleric did not have enough movement to make it around the corner and into melee range with an enemy so he asked me (the DM) how far he could jump. As he was standing at the ledge, I told him how to calculate a standing long jump (ie you jump a number of feet half your strength score) which would not quite close the gap… so I told him I would allow him to attempt the jump and he would close the distance with a successful athletics check. He accepted and rolled a 5 and it looked like he would fall into the lava until the hafling rogue on the other side asked if they could use their reaction to try and catch him… to which he fittingly rolled a natural two (shout out to the two crew) and the Cleric slipped into the lava and taking 18d6 damage. The issue arose when the Paladin who was next in initiative and following the clerics lead jumped across the gap, however he took a running jump and crossed to the other side with ease. A fact that caused much laughter at the table for everyone but the cleric. What ensued was an heated argument between myself and the cleric that had he known that he could take a run up he would have done so and that I should have told him those rules. His argument was quickly shut down by the rest of the table and the cleric was clearly annoyed. As a note by the next round the cleric was revived and pulled from the lava but due to the burns to his legs had his speed reduced to 10ft. I ask you noble judges, has the cleric been wronged here or had the years of razzing (mostly from the party) that have followed the event been just. For some background information, these are my childhood friends, we have played DND together for at least 5 years across three campaigns (probably 150 sessions), we have used the jumping rules frequently and this player has never read or opened the players handbook.

DJCay

To the jolly, jovial, justices and the big bad bailiff, Jerk, I submit the following case. I have been a part of a campaign set in the Runeterra/League of Legends universe in the city of Bilgewater for about 2 years now. My party and I were attempting to flee the country after accidentally causing the collapse of a large portion of the city of Bilgewater, killing thousands. In order to escape, we needed to procure a ship that was located on an island across the bay, requiring us to utilize smaller dinghies to reach our destination. According to the DM, my character was too large and heavy to be able to ride in one of the boats without sinking it (I am an 8’4 800lb Minotaur). Not wanting to be left out, I asked if it was possible for me to take a dinghy just for myself so I could stay with the party, it my DM was adamant that it wasn’t possible and that I needed to stay behind, so I did as to not waste more time in the session. The result was me waiting for FOUR REAL LIFE HOURS before the DM ended session as soon as the party returned to the docks. So I ask, genius justices and beautiful bailiff, was I wronged. At what point should the weight of a character come into play, and was I really too heavy to travel by boat? I leave this case in your capable hands. (P.S. - the previous session my DM had forced my character to have their weight reduced from 2200lbs to 800lbs)

Ken

Howdy Justices! In a game with folks I met online, the GM often would make major decisions impacting my character without consultation. We were playing an A Song of Ice and Fire inspired game, and the biggest was when my crusader character whose only family was his squire met on a diplomatic mission a mercenary who caused the death of his squad of fellow crusaders. My character was furious, but managed to not kill the merc like he wanted. Then the DM said my squire decided to kill the man, dying in the process. The rest of the player characters then blamed my character for destroying the diplomatic process (despite not ever choosing to fight the merc in question). When is a companion NPC's actions allowed to be independent of a player, and when does GM "interference" go too far? Am I being salty that my squire died and my character was ostracized for something I didn't choose to do? P.S. Don't worry Murph, I already got new friends. I found out they weren't good people, and I stopped playing with them.

Ryan Lithgow

To the empirically honourable supreme crit justices, the effervescent Bailiff Axford, and jake (lowercase): I submit to you the case of the Audio-Rapscallion No-Good Girlfriend-Stealing Lowly Bailiff. In 2022, my girlfriend and I went on vacation to Europe together and during our downtime at airports and hotels I introduced her to NADDPOD. Afterwards, we attended your Toronto live show and over the following year and a half she caught up on the entire backlog and ended up in your top 0.05% of listeners on Spotify, which she is very proud of and is sad she likely cannot repeat this feat. All sounds well with a suitable love for NADDPOD, except that she has developed a crush on Jake's voice (stay humble, foolish bailiff, your physical appearance "doesn't do it for her"). She loves every character of his, and even Mavid couldn't correct this problem. A day ago, I suggested that I was "thick of calf and quad" and she got horned-up thinking about a Hardwon cosplay in the bedroom. I humbly beseech you, kind and honourable justices, to remind my nemesis, the bailiff, that D&D is in fact NOT about stealing girlfriends. And punish him accordingly.

Drew Fitzpatrick

Jubilant Justices and Brilliantly Mid Balliff, During the pandemic I joined a campaign through my local comic book shop, we had one in person session about 18 months in, but otherwise entirely remote. We had a party member, an older gentleman, playing a Monk. Despite the monk's high perception, they often didn't pay attention or would act against what the party had just planned out. We were in the Feywild, each of us had something taken by a hag, and my Grandma Druid was seeking her memories of her precious grandbabies. Cut to the party approaching the hag's compound. We went over a heist plan three times, specifically asked the Monk to run the plan back to us, which they did, and we began our approach. The plan was for most of the party to distract the hag, while a couple of us slipped off to find our lost things. Before we set foot on the compound, our Monk cast Fly, turned invisible and just headed off. The plan went sideways immediately, and we were successful, in spite of the Monk's wildcard behavior. At the end of the session, in character, we razzed the Monk for not sticking to the plan, to which they replied "well I wasn't sure what the plan was, so I improvised", and we razzed them for a few more minutes. Before next session, they messaged everyone saying they felt they weren't a good fit for the group, and withdrew from the campaign. Did we bully an old man out of the game, or were we correct to razz after many many times of our Monk going rogue?

Alexis R

To the magnanimous justices and the bailiff, who's fine: Last year I was invited to a campaign by my best friend that had a first-time DM and their life-long buds who played together regularly. I didn't know any of them, but they all seemed chill. However, the DM was crass, and liked poking fun at others in a way that sometimes crossed the line into being straight up rude. He's also, as I was told after the campaign, EXTREMELY sensitive to feedback and would get really angry when given criticism (this is important for later). As the campaign went on, the energy at the table often felt like it was the DM vs. the players. He would make questionable rolls behind the screen, make successes not as impactful but make failures (especially nat 1s) more devastating, and designed encounters to be way too difficult for our levels; but, he was really putting a ton of energy into prep and clearly enjoying himself. Every session he'd make it a point to ask for feedback since he was a first-time DM, to which every one of his friends would say "it was great! No notes". I would never offer my honest opinion since I barely knew the guy. It eventually became too much for me when, in the final battle, he designed a boss that knew all our weakest rolls and would force us to make a saving throw with our weakest stat without using an action. He made my monk roll a DC 20 charisma save and when I failed the DC, he removed half of my ki points and my movement was reduced to a 10 feet. Justices, my charisma was -4. When I said it was impossible for me to save on future turns, he shrugged and said "Seems like it." I proceeded to spend 3 hours in an unfun final battle, unable to do much of anything. At this point I knew I would leave their table, so when he asked for feedback, I once again said nothing. But all of his friends were super positive and added no notes as usual, which made me feel insane for thinking the battle and campaign weren't great! After the campaign was over, I heard from my best friend that he also did not have a fun time with the session, and thought the campaign were poorly designed for many of the same gripes I had. Judges, should I have honestly spoken up during his requests for feedback even if it meant making him really upset, or am I good for saying nothing and letting this DM terrorize future tables? I humbly await your judgment.

DJ Matty Lil Crits

Dear Deacons of the Dice Domain, I beseech a blessing for blasphemy I have betrayed. I've been running a game for a few months for friends and some newbies. Among these players is my favorite person, Karli, who has been in every game I've run and is my emotional rock. Some of the players have had attendance difficulties and prefer combat to roleplay, so I started a 2nd side game with a scifi setting that is episodic and doesn't need full attendance. The problem is Dice Christ cursed Karli's new lv 8 Puss in Boots bard with commoner stats. She rolled only a 12 charisma, and less than a 10 average in everything else. I have begged her to reroll, but in true Axford fashion, she has insisted its funny. In true Murph fashion, I disagree, I want my players to be cool. Since then, she has commented on how hard it is to shoot and how few bardics she has, but continues to deny rerolling stats. My plan now is to give Mark a full sailor suit ensemble to give bonuses for max charisma. So far she loved the +2 hat of cuteness, which I see as implicit permission. I do not care for the whims of the dice deities, but implore the 2 crew's advice. Is it ok to leave items with the knowledge that if she doesn't want the stats, she can just not use the items? From an aggressively helpful DM.

Ryan Steel

To the Wonder Justices and low budget, bottom feeding, coat tail riding, slime sucking balliff. I have been a DM to a party consisting my sister, her friend and my sister in law. My sister decided she wanted to DM her own campaign. An all beast companion based compaign. I decided to play a hunter style rogue and took the assassin sub-class. At the end of our first major quest I got a random magical weapon, the alchemist hilt, a weapon that deals 1d8 damage plus 2d8 of a chosen elemental damage. I immediately realized how big of a mistake this was and informed my sister. She informed me it would be fine. Next session, we were ambushed by assassin vines. I used this opportunity to use the alchemist hilt to ignite it and using my assassin perk, critted on plant. Dealing an absurd amount of damage for a level 3 character. Then I was asked to roll a d20. I rolled a 15 and failed the check for the sword not to also hurt me with it's fire damage aapect. It brought me down to 3hp and then I was hit by the vine, constricted and killed. Character was revived next session and we carried on but should I have been informed that it might hurt me or made the check was easier before putting my squishy rogue in front of a beefy boi?

ASHNRider

Howdy justices, and the one that ain’t fit for a farm hand Jeffery, I come with either a church or court case for your reading pleasure. This last week I was running our session, it was a boss fight between a husband and wife and the party at a wedding (this is the base jist). Imma be honest, it was kinda a shitter session, I was tired from the past week and kept forgetting abilities, I forgot the music, and all around I didn’t feel like I did a good job. So in order to remedy this, I narrated that they formed together into an ooze, completely off the cuff, so that I would have the time and headspace to run a better session next time. So I ask justices… was that ok to completely change the fight so I could give my players a better one later? My fate is in your hands, thank you. Signed, fiction ooze crafter.

Rebecca

To the three solid judges and the one spongey bailiff, Jake, I’d like to present the case of the Tactical Avalanche. So about four years ago I was playing as a trickster cleric in a campaign with my sister and her husband, he being the DM. We had gotten arrested and were sent to kill a yeti that had taken up residence on the only road out of this town. No one had been able to use this road in four months and trade was starting to suffer. So we go, kill the yeti, and start heading back to town. On our way back, we stumbled across the aftermath of an avalanche with the remains of an Orc raiding party buried inside. I (the cleric) run up to help and see if there’s anyone there I can help. I go to pull a man out of the snow and the avalanche ERUPTS as every single member of the orc raiding part jumps out of the snow to attack me. Very confused by this, I ask my dm if I could roll to convince the orcs that I’m trying to help. The DM says no and that the Orcs purposely let themselves get hit by the avalanche in order for them to surprise attack the next group of adventurers coming this way. On the mountain. That no one has traversed in months. Despite my confusion, I went along with it because I wasn’t going to argue with my DM on something to trivial as thinking his npc’s plan is stupid, but in the fight, EVERY ATTACKER ONLY ATTACK ME!! To the point where they were purposely taking opportunity attacks in order to run up to my little cleric and stab him. I asked why all the orcs were ignoring my other party members and only going for me and my DM said that it’s because they can “tell I’m a cleric”. Judges, I hadn’t even gone yet in initiative. I hadn’t casted a single spell that would imply my character’s class. The DM argued that they could tell by the clothes I’m wearing. I said I was wearing leather armor and a fancy hat. He said the orcs “just know” and my character was soon knocked unconscious. Despite me being out of the fight, THEY CONTINUED TO ATTACK MY CORPSE, making me lose two death saves. Then, by the grace of Dice Christ, another attacker rolled to hit (with advantage cuz I’m down), a hit that would perma kill my character with no chances of me being brought back cuz I was the only one with revivify, AND HE ROLLS TWO NAT ONES. Then, it’s finally my turn and I roll what could be my final death save and I get a NAT 20 allowing my character to pop back up at 1hp. I miraculously did not die in the remainder of the fight, mostly because I used my trickster clerics challenge divinity to turn invisible and hide. So judges, I ask you two questions today. One, are you able to tell a character’s class based solely on the clothes they’re wearing? And two, is letting your entire Orc raiding party get hit by a tactical avalanche a bad plan? I leave the decision to you.

Crash Griffin

To the honorable judges and the (little l) lowly bailiff Jamiroquai, I bring to you the case of the Butthurt Invisible Autognome. A friend and new DM wanted to run a game. I created an Autognome hedge wizard and instantly fell in love with my character and all the shenanigans he could get up to. Toward the beginning of this campaign we met a giant in a floating tower that was then besieged by a dragon. During battle on my turn I cast the Rope Trick spell to try and give myself and my party members a safe place to hide from battle…except I was the only one that ended up in the extra-dimensional space. The tower ended up plummeting to the ground below and everyone else was graciously knocked out instead of dying. I assume the DM intended for the entire party to end up knocked out, but there my character was…fully conscious. Instead of rousing my party members, I decided that my character was more interested in learning a bunch of spells from tomes littered among the wreckage. The DM then described how my character heard many footsteps approaching the area, so I cast invisibility on myself…naturally. The footsteps were from a group of soldiers sent to retrieve my party and throw us in the dungeon of a nearby prison. The session ended with this idea, and I had a brilliant idea that my character could break them out of prison at the start of the next session, because I was invisible and therefore safe. The next session started in medias res and everyone was locked up in prison without their belongings…including my character. After much protesting on my part, the DM said that my character had all of his belongings but he was still locked up with the other party members. I played through the session grumbling the whole time, but I was amenable and didn’t throw a *huge* fit. Now, was I just being too salty to a newish DM that didn’t have a plan for anyone to be left out of the prison, or am I justified in my butthurtedness and the thought that my character was robbed of his big heroic moment? I graciously await your judgment, Crash AKA R.O.L.F. The Autognome

Miranda the Dungeon Court Stenographer

To those guys on the bench and Emily! I bring a confessional to you all but not of my own, on behalf of a dear friend of mine. It does not take place in the world of DnD, but of Delta Green another ttrpg based on Call of Cthulhu. We are currently playing through Impossible Landscapes and we reached the clown chase scene. The clown has something called a lethality rating on its attacks meaning if he rolled below that rating, the target would be dead instantly. The only way to escape this encounter was to drink this juice at the right time from a cup that we, the PCs, had to pass around during the encounter but keep away from the clown. One of our beloved PCs drank the elixir and then was immediately struck by the clown. Our wonderful DM hit the lethality rating on the roll which would in turn kill our PC. However our DM decided to spare the PC because in his opinion she did everything she was supposed to and it wouldn’t have been fair for her to die. However, he did state that one of the creators of the game would heavily disagree with his decision. Did he betray dice Christ with this act of mercy or was it a justified act of disobedience?

Qorvae

To the awe inspiring Crit Justices Axford, Murphy, and Tanner, and to the lowly bailiff Jake, who is fine I guess, I bring you the case of the Contentious Campaign. A friend of mine decided to run an old Greyhawk adventure as a new streamed campaign, and invited five of us to play together as a party. We had a session 0 and everything went relatively smoothly, and with a quick rundown of what to expect since this was going to be a grind of an adventure, we started off at level 1. Almost immediately one player, who most of us knew but had not played with before, proved to have a bit of a different play style. He was more interested in combat than exploration and roleplay, which is fine of course, and we have tried to find a balance there that suits everyone. However, he also began to individually message other players, letting them know he didn’t like how their characters were acting toward his PC. Generally we assumed these were misunderstandings, talked them out, and moved on. Then, in one session of tense combat, we fought a really hard boss and were all on the verge of going down. Our combat was interrupted by a beholder, who let us live, but also freed one of the bad guys, leaving us to lick our wounds to find him and fight again later on. This player did not take kindly to the situation, which he took as a personal slight. His character alone, at level 2, tried to defy the beholder, and when his attempt failed, he spent the rest of the session with his character sitting at an altar to his deity, refusing to speak to any of our characters until we agreed to track the bad guy down. We had slight character arguments over it in game, but eventually agreed to this so we could ensure the player’s continued participation. After the session, the player then kept us another 90 minutes, arguing further and claiming our PCs, and therefore us as players, were morally bankrupt because we did not also try to stop the escape. He also accused the DM of targeting his character, which as far as I could see did not happen. We talked it out again, but it’s three sessions later and I’m still sore about it, and it’s really making it hard not to notice other little things this player does that bother me. Tell me, should I just let this go and keep playing, or is this lawful good player being a lawful prick?

Chas Pridgen

To the illuminated judges and Jork, Almost a decade ago, I was cast in the world premiere of a D&D inspired theatrical improv experience. We improvised 16 gripping hours of story over the course of two weeks to sold-out houses. We memorized our stat cards, and had a few added rules to streamline and spice up the theatricality of it all. One of those rules was calling headshots. The GM decreed that if we called a headshot, we received a penalty to the attack roll, but if we successfully hit the target and met a damage threshold, it was an insta-kill. By the end of the two-week run, many of the PCs – as well as repeat audience members – were annoyed by the GM’s self-insert NPC taking the limelight and steering the story a bit too hard. So, a PC took matters into his own hands and called a headshot on the GM NPC. He succeeded on the attack roll, and the crowd erupted as he rolled high enough damage to insta-kill the character, uniting the audience against a common foe. However, the GM then immediately started narrating how his character didn’t actually die, through off-the-cuff means I seem to have ejected from my memory. Kind judges, were we right to take the GM NPC off the board, with much support from the paying audience, or should we have stuck it out and allowed the GM his moment in the spotlight? I anxiously await your judgement.

Kacey

Hello to You Wonderful Judges, and to the Bailiff who I hope gets everything they deserve (Which is a good thing!) I present to you the case of the expeditious elopement. I recently played in my first D&D game and had a really great time. Over two sessions our group of merry pirates had escaped a dungeon, and agreed to help the governor's daughter sneak out of town to be with her star-crossed lover. The problem came at the end of the second session, as we were stealing a ship to make our final escape. As three of our party members stayed on the docks to hold off the guards, our fourth and final party member was inside the ship getting it ready to depart as they had vehicle proficiency. As we heroically fought back the guards, the DM proceeded to then state that as we are busy fighting the guards, the fourth player and governor's daughter each get a surprise round. They declare that they have secretly been in love the whole time and have used us to escape together, and proceed to depart without us. The left behind crew is given 3 options: Try to make the impossible jump (60+ feet) onto the ship as it leaves, or the game is over and the DM can narrate us dying fighting the guards or surrender and end the two-shot back in the dungeon. We decided to surrender. The session then ended. After, I asked the DM how he came up with that and he said "Oh the player came and asked if we could do that." Judges, was this a D&D faux paus, or should the other players and I have taken the initiative to propose a polycule to the DM in order to get a satisfying ending to our first game? (PS - all players were new, the DM had reportedly DM'ed multiple campaigns before.)

JP

To the high supreme crit justices and the sexy book read voice Bailiff. I bring the case of the full circle sessions. My best friend from high school (we’re all 22-25 YO) and his sisters boyfriend were in a campaign DMed by his college roommate. During this campaign it was the most fun we’ve had in playing in our 5 years together. Now here’s when it gets sticky. I ASSUME My best friend talked with the DM and set up to where his PC would turn into the BBEGs sidekick to end the campaign. During 3-4 4 HOUR + SESSIONS we would chase him throughout the world and stop him and try to reason. Every episode would be the same. Dick around, fight bad guy, friend tries to escape, we capture him and tie him up. At one point I casted a Geas saying he cannot leave within 90 feet of me. After a huge fight where an ancient artifact was destroyed by a villain. He vanished and ended up side by side with the BBEG to end the episode. 4 sessions wasted. The DM proclaimed that when the artifact was destroyed, he lost his soul and the geas was removed… I was irate. Not from the plot of the campaign. Just from the time we wasted trying to stop this when in fact it was already written. Judges I ask you, did I overreact and should’ve just trusted the process of my DM and let my friend run away? Or… do I have to right to be pissed about my friend dragging us through the mud silently and wasting our time. P.S the ending of the campaign was kick ass. WWPG What would Pentergreens do?

Andrew Hawthorn

To the friendly Court Justices Axford, Murphy and Tanner, and the foe-ly bailiff Jake, I submit the case of the WMD hyperactive bladder. We were playing Heroes Unlimited (think DnD, but superheroes instead of wizards) and my friend was having a run of bad luck, being killed and resurrected for the third time in as many sessions. The DM decided to give him a phobia as the result of his misfortune, and as a result he would panic and wet himself at any loud noise. The players, myself among them, argued that as my friend was playing a crystalline blue alien of unknown origin, wasn't it possible that he had alien biochemistry? We rolled for it, and that's how our party ended up entering every battle flinging my friend at the enemies while screaming, making him pee acid out of his moth and inflicting extreme damage. He always seemed a bit downcast about this however. Do we owe him an apology or were we right to make lemons out of lemonade, so to speak?

adrieenna

beloved bailiff emily, acceptable bailiff whose name i don’t recall, and honorable judges: i submit before you the case of the forgotten wife. our dm pulled a false hydra on us. our party took two years of downtime and our dm would narrate events that happened in a discord channel. occasionally, he would add something strange and say “don’t worry about it.” obviously, we worried. i was vaguely familiar with the horror stories around false hydras in campaigns, and i immediately suspected this was the case; i was willing to give our dm the benefit of the doubt that maybe it would turn out okay and be a sick ass reveal. HOWEVER! whenever it was mentioned that my beloved paladin, caleb, had taken up the habit of nervously twirling a ring on his finger, i became immediately suspicious. “surely…” i thought, “our dm wouldn’t…” my worries were correct. he later revealed that my character caleb had gotten married to some generic ass human woman named taylor (😐) and that she’d been eaten, causing caleb to forget about her. i wasn’t exactly happy about this, but i wasn’t screaming, crying, throwing up, etc. i’m just kind of grossed out, especially because my openly bisexual, very much not a macho manly man, married the most generic wife archetype ever. not only was i married against my consent, but she was deeply boring. ALSO before this, caleb had made a deal with a hag promising his first born child and had an agreement with our party’s druid that they would procreate if necessary because he didn’t want to bang a hag. weird time to get married, tbh. so i ask of you, wise dms, is the big reveal of the false hydra worth more than my vague ick that i have a (lame ass) dead wife? P.S. as of our most recent sessions, i am now under the pressure of being able to bring her back to life, which sucks because i didn’t want her here to begin with. thank uuu, adri <3

Steven

To the resplendent supreme crit justices and the guy who, let's be honest, you only keep around so we can make cheap jokes about a cheap man. I bring to you the case of the world's most hated NPC, aka Bart Simpson. I was DMing a campaign and the PCs were traveling to the Abyss to meet and broker information with a succubus warlord. During the meeting, I briefly introduced the warlord's guards, which included a wispling (half gnome/half demon) named Shadowfire. I described him as “pacing back and forth behind the warlord, with his hands resting on hand axes” and “he has short and spiky hair. Kind of like Bart Simpson.” I got some light razzing for this description, but nothing else was said about him. The party succeeded with the warlord and were offered to stay the night as guests. That evening, Shadowfire was sent to deliver a message to the PCs. As soon as their door was opened, and without saying a single word, the party fighter began to attack Shadowfire and the sorcerer plane-shifted him to their deity's home plane, where Shadowfire could be hunted for sport. Despite having never spoken a word to them, my PCs had unanimously decided to turn on Shadowfire. After the session I asked how they came to their decision. One player said, “I knew he was going to die the moment you described him pacing with his hands on his axes.” Two others said it was when I compared him to Bart Simpson. Regardless, they all claim that their actions were justified. Shadowfire was supposed to back stab the party during a climactic fight, so it worked out that the party just dealt with him before hand, but I ask you: Was I wrong to add a little flare to my demonic NPCs, or are my players just masters at sniffing out a traitorous Bart Simp-- demon?

Emma

To the effervescent (definition 2) justices and the effervescent (definition 1) baliff, I bring you the case of the Arcane Eye. I'm playing in a 1-1 game with a freind. My character had snuck into a secret lair through a portal to a demiplane. The NPC inside, who I later discovered was a demon in disguise, discovered me and threatened me into leaving. As I left, I cast Arcane Eye so I could watch what happened. Then, when on the other side of the portal, my DM said I couldn't see through the eye, since it says it can't enter another plane. I argued that the wording of the spell is that it can't "pass" through a portal to another plane, and I'm the one who passed through, so it should still be active. There was some back and forth and eventually he relented, allowing it begrudgingly and eventually as perhaps a rule of cool. I think this way of playing it is rules as written and even rules as intended. Please give a ruling on if this is an acceptable use or requires a kind DM. By the way, DM listens ONLY to dnd court episodes on the main feed (so none of the main campaign).

Annika

To the lavender-scented judges and the pea-scented bailiff Jake. I bring forth the case of the illiterate dragon: My boyfriend DMs a campaign with me and my sisters. My pact of the chain warlock was in a trial that involved stealing an egg guarded by a dragon and her magical wards. For my turn, I had my lovely pseudodragon familiar (who can understand common and draconic) fly to the egg and read the draconic glyphs guarding it, then translate the details to me via our telepathic bond. My dm ruled that my familiar can’t read because “although it understands draconic, it cannot speak”. I lost the argument but have since stayed salty. Judges, am I wrong to be offended on behalf of my son who is a very smart and special boy?! I prostrate myself before your 80 foot tall bench.

Nathan Cox

Honorable justices Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and sweet baby boy Jake, I bring you the case of the hellish blunder. Several years ago, I was in a campaign playing descent into Avernus. I was a tiefling monk, and my party and I were traversing the first layer of hell. We came across two priests out of nowhere who were just walking along the path. I was immediately suspicious. How did they get here? Why are they here? As my dm continued to narrate them approaching our infernal machine, I panicked and shot one of them with a harpoon gun. Everyone was shocked. I was horrified to hear my dm explain they were humans and I just murdered one in cold blood. One of my party members begrudgingly killed the other one and both of them became soul coins (which we later broke to release their souls) Was I wrong to be concerned about two priests in HELL approaching us? (PS the campaign ended with my character making a deal with the devil and becoming a pit fiend in the end. But that’s neither here nor there)

CR19

To the loquacious law lords and the wrongfully razzed steward Jakeone Surewitz, I present to you the case of the oblivious watchman. I was playing a former night watchman, now Forge Cleric, worshipping Helm on a journey to support our party’s Zealot Barbarian. My fellow players and our DM were pretty new to D&D. A few sessions in, our rogue asked to look around a temple. He rolled poorly on perception, and didn’t spot anything of interest in a study that had books, armor, other potentially intriguing stuff. I asked to roll but my DM said, “You didn’t ask to make the check.” Our DM has consistently ruled that whoever asks to make a skill check first is the only character that does so. I feel frustrated, because my cleric would reasonably be using his experience as a watchman to actively look for details. When I DM, I write on my screen each character’s three best skills, and try to ask those characters for skill checks when they come up so they can get their time in the spotlight, but welcome additional checks if they’re narratively reasonable. Is this “first come first serve” method a reasonable way for this DM to run skill checks? I agree not every check should be rolled by everyone, but now I feel the need to interject to roll for perception as quickly as possible before the rogue or warlock with their paltry +1 bonuses inevitably roll garbage. This seems to me like a slippery precedent and doesn’t make sense narratively, but I hesitate to ask other players to effectively back off from my “special skill” when their characters also have functional eyeballs. Please advise this journeyman dungeon master in guiding a novice group towards greatness, Yours faithfully, Rayden Cerullatar, Stars Druid of the Barovian Woods

The Original Betsy

Judicial Justices and Barely there Bailiff, I bring you The Case of the Wild Magic Public Announcement. I play in an asynchronous “play by post” campaign with some online strangers. While most of the players were amiable to the various quests presented, the Warlock often narratively stormed off on his own because “that’s what his character would do”. I’m not sure if the DM spoke to him privately, but later on, the Warlock said “I’m a normal adventurer now.” Justices, I’m certain you’ll agree that what he did next was not normal. Our quest was to help some Gnomes be rid of monsters in their midst. When we had finished defeating the monsters and were going to collect the reward, the Warlock randomly set the Gnome's mushroom crop on fire! In the next scene, the Rogue said he was standing next to the Warlock, but the DM corrected him saying that actually the Warlock wasn’t there. The Warlock was teleported 2 rooms over as a Wild Magic effect from the fire spell he cast on the crop. Justices, the Warlock lost it!! In a long string of both game mechanics arguments and personal attacks on the DM for "punishing him" for his character choices, he was incensed that the DM hadn’t announced there was Wild Magic present. For all his incredibly toxic behavior, was this Warlock right that the DM should have made a Public Service Announcement about Wild Magic effects in the Gnomes' cave? Or should a DM be allowed to keep their Wild Magic rolls secret until an effect takes place? P.S. The Warlock player left the game over this issue and his replacement player is a joy to have in the party. And shoutout to the DM for maintaining professionalism under personal attacks.

Niko R.

I don’t have a case, I just really hope someone has a Dice Christ confession to stealing someone’s girlfriend

nullifi3d_

To the honorable and venerable justices Tanner, Axford, and Murphy, and their little lacky jake. I present to you the case of Deus Ex Stalagmite. In my freshman year of college, I played in a D&D campaign with five other players. Through our journey, we made friends with an NPC who was very quickly revealed to be the DM's favorite. Much of the plot of this campaign revolved around this NPC, his wants and desires, and his tragic yet vague backstory. At the end of an arc, we were in a red dragon's lair, and we all got to ask the dragon's ghost a question from our past. The NPC's wish had him stuck in a trance, unable to move, as the lair started to fall apart around us. The ground started to break, and all of our party jumped to save the NPC. Just then, as all six of us were holding onto him, a stalagmite fell from the ceiling, and broke our grip. No one got to roll to pull him up, no perception checks to see any danger from above, just a perfectly placed falling stalagmite. The NPC fell into the volcano and died. If that sounds tragic, don't get sad just yet. When our party returned to the city to recuperate and get our bounty money for killing the dragon, we started to hear fires in the city. Turns out, in the days of travel back to the city, the NPC had reincarnated as a god of fire and retribution, and explicitly called out our party members for not trying to save him. He blamed our party for his death, and wanted to kill us for it. At the end of the session, the players were confused and angry with this revelation. The campaign fell apart because I had to move away. Justices, I ask you this. Should the party have been punished for trying to save our beloved NPC, who died because of no fault of our own? I leave this ruling in your just hands. - P.S., This DM was a creative writing major, and believe he should have just written a book with this synopsis.

James Jackman

To the tubular baby bailiff and his gnarly justices. I bring to you the case of the devious double roll. I DM a party of newcomers to the game in a setting where towns are being summoned by a cult to another plane of existence. Enter Blumkin, a gnomish wizard whose player has an extreme penchant for loot. This has included him trying to procure a wooden leg from an ally npc, harvesting intimate monster anatomy to sell, and generally playing like a videogame rpg character. The incident in question was during the search of a yeti's lair. I asked for investigation checks, I saw him roll once and then quickly roll again, announcing to the table that he rolled a 20. When I called him out on the double roll he blushed and chuckled about it. My ruling at the time was that the party would have 25% less gold to find as the fine for his shenanigans. He protested that the punishment should only impact his spoils and not the orher players. Justices, I ask you, did I go too far in my sanction or was it a necessary levy on a dirty double roll ?

Kelso of the Sea
>>161132597

Truly thank you so much for your reply! It means the world to watch you (and all the women and queer folks) on naddpod and D20 create absolutely beautiful stories and set examples of how to treat each other at the table. I hope y’all continue to stay safe 🖤

Tree Keeper

To the resplendent justices and the slimy bailiff joe, I present to you the case of the lawful evil mother. It was the 3rd session of a campaign played by two families. We were a group of sea faring adventurers and had just commandeered a pirate ship full of loot. while examining a pile of potions, the lawful evil sorcerer in question failed an arcana check to determine the potions nature, though she suspected it was a water breathing potion. To everyone’s shock her response was to charm a fellow party member, force feed the potion to him, and then push him over the side of the moving ship. Justices, not only was this character a fellow party member, he was played by the sorcerer’s 12 year old son. The son’s character survived and we were able to fish him out of the water but still, we were upset by the series of events that lead to him being in the water in the first place. So, lead by the monk who was played by the sorcerer’s partner, we knocked the sorcerer unconscious and sent her back to shore in a row boat. The sorcerer was convinced that we were meta gaming because her alignment was written on her character sheet. When she rolled up a new character she was so convinced of a conspiracy against her that she refused to even write her new characters alignment down so that none of us, not even the dm, would know what it was. Justices I ask you, were we right to defend our fellow party member from his mother? Or were we just a band of meta gaming sailors.

Uncanny

To the ever merciful Crit Justices and the ever dependable Bailiff Hard Jake Shorts. I bring you the case of The Wasted Wish. I’ve been a part of an online campaign for almost 2 years now. We were a party of 4 and one DMPC. At the time I was playing an Eladrin Rogue/Wizard. My character was a part of the Thieves Guild and stole a book that was actually some sort of prison for an ancient black dragon. My character was now cursed and couldn’t get rid of the book without getting an aneurysm so he did what the book asked him while looking for a way to prematurely cut ties to this book. Now my character got a Deck of Many Things through a Bag of Holding which was stolen by the DMPC. I drew one card only and I got The Moon I rolled a 3 for the amount of wishes. I used the first 2 wishes for the party, but I used the 3rd wish to end my curse. The DM made me roll the percentile die 3 times and asked me to call high or low before I roll. I only got one roll right and my character instantly died. The DM said that the Wish did cut my connection to the book, but there were side effects that ended up hurting me. The damage was so high it killed me outright. Was the DM right for making me roll 3 different check to see if my Wish worked or should the Wish have worked without the rolls and without killing me?

Ana Xu

To the effervescent justices and the whatever, dweeby bailiff: I bring you the case of “the mastermind and artist.” After a close encounter with the BBEG that involved the destruction of a civilization of giants (with what was essentially a magical nuclear bomb), our party managed to escape via high-speed boat, reunited with old NPC allies, and started to wind the session down. After experiencing those harrowing events, my PC decided to spend some time alone. At the time, this didn’t seem like a big deal. But, near the end of the session our DM asked for a saving throw from me out of nowhere. I fail, my PC is kidnapped by the BBEG, and the session ends. I was devastated. I complained and complained but all the DM said was that he was “a mastermind and an artist.” For several sessions, I had to play as my PC’s sister. Whenever I would ask about my kidnapped PC I would only be reminded that my DM was a “mastermind and an artist.” Now, I may have been a little stupid (and intoxicated)—as the BBEG had ways of kidnapping characters from anywhere, and my PC’s magic was of special interest to the BBEG. So I ask, your honors, is it okay to completely take away player control from a character without mind-control, and is our DM a so-called “mastermind and artist?”

Ana Xu
>>161234099

P.S. The situation was resolved with a high-stakes Indiana Jones style infiltration into a magical demonic laboratory where my PC absolutely fried the villain with godly fireballs, so all ended well.

Big Sack Dragon

Honorable Justices and Juicy Jeans Jake, We present the case of the session 1 Player Kill. This was 7 years ago, my brother finally offered to DM for some of my friends and I over Roll 20. He decided to run ghosts of saltmarsh, and I thought that was great. My friends had never played before but were pretty excited to try. During the encounter one of my friends inspected a corpse that turned out to be infected with rot grubs. They killed instantly and suffered a true death, because apparently that’s how it’s written in the manual. My friend said “I guess that’s it for me then” and left the call. Hasn’t joined back. He’s a bit melodramatic, but Justices, was my brother in the right to merc this kid in one hit on session zero. My brother is here to provide his side of the story: Brother here. So the friend isn’t a kid, he’s a grown ass man. And he didn’t even make that character himself. I did. So I thought he’d be interested in making another character even if that one died. He went a little rogue on that one and there were a lot of bad rolls that ended up with him being “infested with rot grub and ending his turn with 0 hit points” that means he dies. Maybe I could have been softer but I didn’t really get a chance because he just left. This particular event has come up more than once over the years. We humbly await your decision, justices.

Jace Robinson

Howdy Southern Baptist Chaplins and man snoring in the back pew Jake, I present to y’all not dice christ confessional but a dice christ affirmation. Last session before we started my 3 players (I being a DM) were gabbing about a topic all Young Men love to gab about - penis length. This prompted me to ask each player to roll a d12 to determine each character's size and I cuss y’all not, each player rolled one after another rolled a 12 inch dong. The table erupted in cheer and in the moment we experienced the purest form of escapism. The party then went on to thoroughly whomp my Amethyst Dragon and successfully steal an egg from its hoard, so overall one of the best sessions we’ve had. All praise be dice christ and his well-endowed blessings! Reminding y’all that good things come to those who roll.

The Witch of Ways and Means

To the esteemed judges and the lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely listeners! You guys really make the dream come true. I present the case of the happiest memory and the random ass diary. This is my story. Walking into an arms shop one session the DM told our party that we could purchase weapons as per usual OR trade in something of deep personal value for a special object of the DMs choosing. Since he had no gold, my circle of the stars Druid, Pemblem Lo, offered up his happiest memory as a payment. I narrated the moment Pemblem first saw the night sky ablaze with constellations which was obviously very formative. My DM told me that the memory instantly vanished from my characters mind and in return gave him a ratty old diary. When I asked to read the diary I rolled poorly and was told I couldn’t understand any of it. The diary did turn out to hold important lore sessions later, but am I right to feel miffed? I can’t even use the thing anymore and my character gave up so much for it. Please don’t be shy in meting out your just desserts. P.S. Even though I’m often razzed for this decision, the group is as strong as ever and we’re currently on our way to battle the BBEG!!! Love you, Jake!

Sugar Bear

To the Noble Clergy of Dice Christ! i come before yall not with a confession, but with a question because no matter what you decide im still gonna keep doing it. So i have a pretty common learning disability; dyscalculia which makes even the simplest of math problems embarrassingly difficult and uncomfortably long to figure out especially during something you wanna keep fast paced like combat. Unfortunately im also cursed with a pretty bad case of Murphism and can often go through whole 4 hour sessions without rolling above a 10. So to combat my awful math abilities i’ve started using Dnd Beyond to roll my dice which will automatically add up all my damage or proficiency bonuses. However i have also noticed now that im using an online roller im rolling astronomically better, and critting multiple times a session! So i ask the church, do i walk with the dice devil now that i have strayed away from physical dice and prevent the other players from hearing the click clack everyone keeps talking about? or am i just being blessed by dice christ through the power of the internet? or have i finally killed god with my machine? ps hate the show and ive never listened to it and if i did, it probably wouldn’t help me laugh when im at my lowest

Aether

To the more than fair judges and Jake. Hi, Jake, hope you're having a good day. I present the case of the Resident Evil Mansion Mixup. I'm running a campaign for my wife and friends, with everyone at the table being fairly experienced D&D players. Because of this, I've tried to add something special to each arc/encounter to spice things up (which has mostly been successful so far). In this case, I've created a vampire's mansion for the players to explore, using the Resident Evil board game as a map creator (think tiles for rooms that connect, 3D printed doors for models to walk through, etc). One of the ideas is that, like Resi, running is always an option, as vampire spawn and other monsters could become overwhelming in tight quarters. To accommodate this, I'd planned several floors and room layouts by hand, albeit using chicken scratch writing in my notepad. The issue is, in one room I'd forgotten a crucial door that led outside, where the players had decided to go amidst exploring. It was only after they'd cleared out a room that I noticed it was missing, and sheepishly admitted to the table I'd forgotten one. One of my players said, in a bit of a huff, “That better not lead outside”, to which I confessed it did. That got a laugh out of the table, and we ended the session (which had ran all day at that point) once the party exited for the gardens. My question is, can I be forgiven for missing a crucial piece of a map after DMing for a full day, or should I have been more attentive to my many pre-scrawled plans?

Rebe Doran

To the beloved and honourable Judges and whimsical Bailiff, I present to y'all the case of the 'Banishment Bungle', an incident that hath conjured a rift betwixt party and DM (all in the name of razzing) Extreme TLDR we are a high level party fighting a homebrew Dragon Turtle - shoutout to the 2 Crew. Our cleric has dedicated nearly every turn of combat to trying to Banish it and after a gnarly bite attack he ends up in its MOUTH. His turn comes up, he casts Banishment AGAIN ... it works. Now the question that caused the rift is: "does the cleric get banished too?" Ended session to debate and ended up later running our own mock D&D court. We players rocked up dressed as lawyers and our DM got so into the bit he wrote a 3000+ word brief on his ruling ... which was against our cleric, citing a "vore clause" for the fact our cleric was INSIDE the turtle. But Judges, how do you rule? Should the Banishment have affected our poor cleric?

Samuel Watson

I come before the wise Dice Priests and the high-pitched altar boy to bring a confession from a campaign from two years ago. I was DM'ing a party who had made it to the final battle against the big bad who's main ability was to temporarily steal spells and class abilities to use himself. A fighter's action surge, a wizard's disintegration spell (relevant). During this final battle, Lewis, who was playing a warforged cattle rancher named Ranch, was about to attack the big bad and would certainly kill him if he hit. Unfortunately, Lewis cannot roll for shit. He has rolled back to back to back nat 1s on at least six occasions. He would be jealous of Caldwell's rolls. He of course, failed to even hit the big bad. What's worse, is that his adoptive father had died just before the battle and encouraged him to keep fighting and do the right thing no matter what. In an act of attempted kindness, I bumped up the villain's HP so that he would have another chance when his turn came around. Unfortunately, during this extra turn of life, he used a stolen disintegrate spell to kill the party wizard, even going as far as to counterspell the wizard's counterspell. Ranch did deal the finishing blow and the wizard got a touching welcome into the afterlife with a former academic rival, but my actions still weigh heavy on me. P.S we all still play together but I have never told them about my HP meddling.

James Bowers

To the venerated, godlike supreme crit justices and the bailiff Johan, who I'm honestly warming up to but is still on thin ice, I present the case of the Premeditated Brother Murder My group was preparing for a sequel campaign to the first that we had ever run, Curse of Strahd. In that campaign, only 2 PC's made it out of Barovia, including my ranger. In session 0, one of the other players whose character, a gunslinger fighter, was lost to the shadowfel said he was interested in playing one of my PC's brothers - I'm my backstory, my ranger had a huge family with 8 siblings who he cared about more than anything. I was really excited about this, and he, the DM, and I worked out the details and collaborated to make a new PC - my ranger's youngest brother, an arcane trickster rogue. The player and I worked out backstory and relationship, and even after session 0 we got together in a zoom call with the DM to work out role-playing boundaries, as my character would naturally be very protective of his brother, but I didn't want to step on the rogues toes in real play. Session 1 rolls around, and for the plot hook, my ranger and the rogue's family home is invaded by minions of the big bad. Combat breaks out, and me and the rogue are stuck fighting two minions and a badass warrior henchman in our own burning home. I immediately engage the warrior in hand-to-hand to give the rogue a chance to knock down the goons and back me up. On the warrior's turn, they knock me down with a trip attack and then immediately made for the rogue. They then action surge and unload 6 attacks onto the level 4 rogue. The first 4 took them down, and the villian looked my ranger in the eye and stabs twice down into the heart of the dying rogue, my Rangers little brother, killing them. I am shocked - a PC death this early? I roleplay my ranger struggling to breathe through the fumes of his burning home and crawling towards his brother's body. Outnumbered, I stood no chance. As the villain reared his spear to impale me, the walls shuddered as a shot rang through them - on the other side, my friend's REAL character: his gunslinger from the last campaign, who I thought was lost in the shadowfel. It turns out that he and the DM planned this from the beginning, and used my PC's brother as bait for the reveal. I could barely speak for the rest of the session, I was utterly gobsmacked. The fight resolved and the minions ran off, but not before kidnapping another member of my ranger's family. The session ended and I was left reeling in real life with the Gunslinger and DM laughing as their delicious plot had taken me, hook, line, and sinker. They still razz me about this to this day. Justices, was I the victim of a vicious premeditated murder of my character's brother and my PC'S character plans, or was I just legendarily whomped? I await your fair and reasonable judgement. P.S. to add insult to injury, the player and DM tipped their plan off to my Fiancé and they didn't tell me either. My ranger's brother was revivified next session but it still hurt.

Anuj Chowdhuri

May it please the sexy and mysterious judges and the stinky bailiff, I present the case of the Narrative Player and the Dishruption. I was running a one shot of the Witch is dead, a ttrpg where a party of witches familiars attempt to return the eyeballs of the witch hunter to the witches corpse. My affronts were twofold, one from friend lets call her Alis and one from my partner lets call her Ursula. In the middle of the session Alis kept making a “get on with it” motion while I was making up lore on the spot, and kept Describing scenes and knowledge that her character had and I had to backtrack and make her roll. This was Deeply distressing and Distracting while i was running an 8 person table. Judges, arguing the rules of the world to Alis got to such a point that one of the other players had to ask “Are we doing anything while this is happening?” Later, Ursula, while I was in the middle of narrating a scene, got up and started doing dishes in an apartment that’s not ours and asking for a lengthy recap. She is very thoughtful but I don’t know how to improve engagement. Overall, I feel a lack of control over my table and crafting a compelling enough narrative for an 8 (soon to be 10!) person table for a longer campaign is Daunting to say the least. You got any advice? I lay prostrate before the court.

JMuskratArts

May it please the honorable Judges, Emily Autumn Axford, Brian Tobias Murphy, and Caldwell Samantha Tanner, whichever sexy guest they have on today… (And PLEASURE the delectable Baliff Jake “The Quad God” Herwitz) A little long, but I BRING YOU the Case of the Muskrat vs. The Raging Hawk Running a horror game. One player (who goes by “Hawk” after the old cop show) is a detective from the “big city” come to an Alaskan town searching for a missing reporter. The rest of the party are locals who had each been given a clue to the reporter’s whereabouts that when pieced together would reveal a mystery incriminating the town’s doctor as a practitioner of dark magic, murder and such villainy. Naturally, the party solved the mystery with only TWO of the clues, confronted and killed the BBEG, and cut the game several hours short. JUST AS the villainous voodoo Doctor was killed, outside, the “Vietnam Vet” PC failed his check, was surprised by another PC in the dark, and accidentally killed them with a headshot. In order to keep the game going, I called a quick pause, pulled aside the player of the Veteran, and had him roll Willpower checks, which he failed, allowing the Doctor’s Spirit to SECRETLY possess him. The drama begins a short time later, when said player ran down the others with his truck, BARELY clipping the Detective, and dealing 1D4 of Damage (of about 28.) At this point, the 50+ year old player stands up, slams their laptop shut, and loudly proclaims “This is NOT how you play DND!” They then scooped up their stuff, and left. My bad? P.S. He left so quickly that he forgot his dog, and… IT WAS CHRISTMAS. 🎄

Sam

To the honorable justices and the bodacious bailiff, Jumba -- I present to you the Case of the Forgotten Flame-sword. After returning to our table following a few months off for the holidays, I (the longtime DM) was excited to get back to the game and usher my players into the final arc of our 3-year campaign. Moods were high as we went around the table, asking each player to share a fun fact about their character to get us back in the zone. That was, until the last player at the table -- our party's paladin -- shared that his fun fact was he "found this awesome new sword" and "was gonna kick some serious ass". He revealed that he was now wielding a Flame-Tongue Greatsword -- a powerful magic blade with the power to burst into flame. I was baffled, having no memory of him acquiring this weapon and seeing no mention of the sword anywhere in my DM notes. All of the other players, however, agreed that the paladin had indeed gotten the sword legitimately, but when pressed for details like where or when this happened, I was met with a round of shrugs. One player suggested that I must have had too many drinks during our last game and just forgot... Here's the issue: I HAD been intoxicated during our previous session. I was starting a new medication and didn't realize it would interact with the usual beer or two I have when I DM. Wanting to own my mistake, I allowed the mysterious new sword to stick around...but quickly regretted it as the paladin proceeded to spend table time loudly narrating new catchphrases like 'Fire It Up!', "Flame, Flame Baby" and 'Is it getting hot in here?' He even used his flaming sword to start melting through sealed doors "you know, like in the Phantom Menace". This is to say nothing of the additional 2d6 fire damage he now deals on every strike. Judges, would I be within my rights to take away this dubiously acquired blade, or does my drunk DMing mean I'm damned to corny catchphrases and flaming hijinks forever? I humbly away your judgment. -Accidentally Plastered in Portland

Luke Wilson

If it pleases the white-hot judges and the why-not bailiff - may I introduce the case of Jaguar Johnny, the PC who has has never been hit, and never missed a shot. Our story begins when the DM tells us he is running a very deadly one shot, so we best bring overpowered characters to the table. Comedic character conceits are also encouraged. With this in mind, I create Jaguar Johnny. Johnny is a hyper-serious gruff and tough human battlemaster fighter, as well as a staunch flat Faerûner and magic denier. In the first combat, I shoot my crossbow, and do not meet the creature's AC. The DM announces how Jaguar Johnny misses with his shot. It is at this point I correct him, and introduce my character's jokey flavour. Canonically, Johnny never misses a shot, and has never been hit by an enemy. When he "misses" a creature, he is actually hitting them but failing to do damage (IE striking a shield or armor). When he loses HP, he is not getting hit, but instead getting fatigued from the battle. My DM vehemently protests that it is unfair for JJ to be an untouchable bad ass who never misses. I respond that "flavour is free" - Johnny follows all the rules of DND, so why can't I flavour him however I want? It’s silly and preposterous, we were encouraged to make funny characters. My DM argues: "Flavour for your character is free. But if your flavour is that all the other PCs suck compared to yours, now you're flavouring their PCs!” The debate rages. Other players also have stupid jokey character concepts for this one shot, and they have no problem with Johnny's flavour. The DM responds that he is a player too, and he doesn't enjoy that flavour. Ultimately we compromise, and that day is the first day Jaguar Johnny suffers the ignominy of missing. But our beef continues to this day. The DM roasts me to other players, calling me a problem player. Am I entitled to my free flavour in this one shot, where silly comedic characters are encouraged? Or is describing your character as unhittable + with perfect aim, even as a joke, a dick move? I throw myself at the mercy of the court.


Jude Rollin

If it may please honourable justices and the skanking bailiff less than Jake. May I present the case of murphs bad advice. Around the time of eldermorne I was running a session for my players and decided to take murphs advice and use a single stat block horde type enemy for a swarm of skeletons. My cleric decided to use destroy undead. I told him that it would only turn them as the stat block was too high cr to be subject to destroy undead, he however claimed as they were all "weeny little skeletons" they should all be destroyed. After a long debate we compromised and I allowed him to do a large amount of radiant damage to the horde. Justice's I beseech thee not to punish me and my player as we were merely victims to justice Murphy's abhorrent advice. Mistakingly yours, a humble DM just wanting the best for his players.

Jessie Kuehm

To the Esteemed Crit Justices, and the lowly Bailiff Jank: I humbly present my case to justify the allowance of my sorcerer to gain the 2nd-level spell Immovable Object, despite the fact that it is a Wizard spell. In one of my current campaigns, the party just reached level 3, which means I get to pick a new spell. I am playing an Air Genasi Storm Sorcerer with a Sage background. We play in a homebrew world in which my character, Syl, came from a floating city that’s home to a highly-advanced society of mostly other Air Genasi and their warforged-inspired elemental automatons. Such a strong background in the manipulation of elemental forces and with magically-infused technology would suggest that she is reasonably familiar with the types of skills/magical proficiencies required to bend physical forces of the natural world to her whim (i.e. Graviturgy). As a Storm Sorcerer, Syl even has the ability Tempestuous Magic, which allows her to fly under certain conditions. I ask the Court: what is flying if not literally Defying Gravity? She’s halfway there! Is my DM right to deny me access to Immovable Object just because RAW it isn’t on my character’s class spell list? Or is he denying me joy simply because he fears my chaotic potential? (Let the record show that the DM has stated he would surely “regret” letting me have access to this spell. I do not know what he could possibly mean by that.) I humbly await your judgement, Jessie/Syl (she/her)

Jake's Wife's Boyfriend

The case of lost initiative: Dear honorable judges and the distractingly attractive bailiff, I once hosted a one shot in my home for a new DM and curious players. Every one of us players were forced by the DM to commit random crimes so law enforcement from outside of town would come to arrest us (in cutscenes boss style fashion) At one point, the fellow who would usually DM left early claiming a personal emergency, though he later admitted to me he was so mad at the DM he had to leave. The rest of us continued to play to give the new DM a chance and at one point were asked to roll initiative. We, as players, continued a conversation we'd been having and casually rolled our dice while we spoke. We were engrossed in the conversation and didn't say our rolls immediately. The DM then told us to roll initiative with disadvantage because we didn't listen to him and needed to roll faster. I told him punishing us as people for not listening was unfair, and it should only be a punishment if our characters weren't paying attention. When the DM insisted he was correct, I threatened to also leave the game night early out of frustration although the game was hosted in my home. He reluctantly allowed us to keep our original rolls. I ask you, did I cross the line as the host for a young DM, or was I justified in standing my ground for the new players?

katie potato

MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT: the luscious locked judges and the duke of limbs who gabs like hes at a sleepover; I bring to you the case of the hot mess (DRAMA 2 electric boogaloo) Hi, I’m Katie, and I play dnd with some equally teenage friends, including my closest friend at the table and my neighbor, who lets call Evan. I got inspired to play from your podcast and d20 and I love the game but heres the thing. I have feelings for Evan, and he doesn't know. I really really like him and we have serious chemistry, but the DM recently discovered my feelings for Evan and told me in confidence that if I confessed, I wouldn't be welcome back at the table because this would “ruin the dynamic of the game”, I was ready to accept my life of quiet pining in accordance with the decree of justice Iyengar, but I recently discovered that the DM might also like Evan. Now, I am afraid that if my DM found out so easily (and tells the rest of the party), then Evan will too, and If I tell him and he doesnt reciprocate (as I fear he might) I will ruin the table dynamic as well as a great hobby and an amazing friendship? Am I wrong for wanting to confess my feelings? Or will it make things too weird? I humbly await your judgement, wise council. May your rolls ever be 20s and your siblings ever be peaceful. (LOVE YOU ALL)

Wyred

May it pleasure the most Supreme of Courts and tickle the bailiff’s fancy until it wets itself… I present the case of the Bullseye Druid! This one is on the longer side but I offer the assurance that your honors will find ALL the details both juicy and relevant if I may impose upon your patience. To set the scene: My partner was playing a game DMed by her long-term friend with a couple other second-degree friends. They invited me to join and, since the party was two Rogues and a Barbarian starting at third level, I made a Grasslands Druid to specialize in stealth and healing. The DM was also running the same module, Avernus I think, for another group. They thought it would be fun if both parties “raced” through an underwater grotto obstacle course to retrieve some McGuffin for a local town festival. The DM was very clear that NO ONE WOULD BE ALLOWED DIE FROM PvP as part of this competition, though Mario Kart-type shenanigans seemed to be expected. My Druid did quite well navigating the nature-based challenges, naturally, and we avoided some combat towards the end using Pass Without Trace. In the final chamber there was a large shark guarding the treasure. The DM said both groups had gone about the same speed in our separate sessions, so the other party of six came in at the same time from a different direction. I suggested—via Psychic Whispers, courtesy of our Soul Knife Rogue—that we should use our stealth to grab the treasure and make a clean getaway without fighting. It seemed like a good option to avoid PvP and my Druid didn’t like the idea of killing the shark. However, the DM ruled that Pass Without Trace didn’t conceal us from the other party because we were in a large, open chamber and made everyone roll initiative. I felt like we should have at least gotten a Stealth VS Perception roll but let it go because I felt sympathetic that the DM was already doing so much cat herding. Our Soul Knife eventually managed to grab the McGuffin, which was an amulet. Plan B was to run a sort of Dash Action relay with it. I cast Invisibility on our Soul Knife so he could get away from the fighting while the Barbarian ran interference. Then my partner’s Tabaxi Trickster Rogue used Mage Hand to grab the amulet from our Soul Knife and move ~100 feet away using some crazy class/race combo. At this point the other party’s Wizard told his group to “Focus on the Druid and break his concentration!” since they thought our invisible Soul Knife still had the amulet. Here, I’d like to pause and bring two pieces of evidence to the court’s attention: 1) the whole session was taking place in an UNDERWATER grotto with the benefit of potions for breathing and 2) the Wizard was the DM’s husband. Meta-gaming aside, Mr. Wizard would have no way of speaking to his party members. I pointed this out but the other party still turned their attacks on me—despite already being in combat with a big angry shark—and I quickly went down. By then our Rogues were long gone with the amulet and the Barbarian was able to stabilize and scoop me. Despite us “winning” the competition in the end, I still felt about an ocean’s worth of salty. Your honors, should our stealth plan have been given a fair chance? Should the DM have intervened to uphold her “no PvP death” rule, or at least stopped the meta-gaming focus fire? I await your verdict with bated Potion-of-Water-Breath! P.S. We are no longer friends with these people but that’s a story for another time…

Shay Taliesin

May it please the sublime overlord judges and the quite neat bailiff Josh(?). I present you the case of the hesitant DM. I am DMing my first ever campaign in a system called Worlds without number that has decent crunch but focusses more on story development and exploration than on combat (every fight could kill the PCs very quickly, most are glass canons tbh - this is kinda relevant, I promise!). So instead of planning many encounters of the violent type for my players I wrote a lot of possible plot hooks, character arcs and so on. It's been going mostly great. Now onto the conundrum: About three months ago I introduced an NPC called Freya who quickly became my DM PC. The party likes her a lot, she is helpful without stealing spotlight. One of the PCs is very obviously falling in love with her. Unfortunately I had decided early on that she is supposed to be a shapeshifter who infiltrated the party (their main antagonist they had already met, who is corrupted but has the potential for growth). Now I'm incredibly conflicted. If I reveal this character to be an imposter, I take away the party's friend and in one case love interest, possibly damaging their trust and team spirit. Am I being sensible by overthinking my previous decision or am I being weak and a bad DM in trying to be a good person? I humbly await your judgement.

Brandon Wiens
>>161136741

CHEEPAS! My grandma and aunt made them a few times a year! Little cream puff size balls of light, airy cheese bread! ❤️

Kevin Alman

Honorable justices Axeford, Murph and Tanner, and the bailiff whose name escapes me for the moment. I bring you the case of the confusing cat person. I just took over as DM for my group of friends that have been playing pathfinder for several years now. We decided to have a session zero where we were figuring out who everyone’s characters would be. During this one of my PCs learned about animal races, specifically tabaxi. She was thrilled about this and we all stared to make the characters and talk about how everyone’s characters meet. This is where the confusion started. My PC was talking about how their character got on all fours and approached another PC to pickpocket them while pretending to be a cat. I explained that they don’t look like a normal cat but a cat humanoid. This devolved into a friendly argument eventually split amongst everyone about whether a tabaxi looked like a large cat or a bipedal humanoid cat person. Justices please clear this up for us. Is a tabaxi more like the movie cats or like puss in boots? I await your fair and just ruling.

School of Hard Knox

To the scrupulous justices Axeford, Murpfy, and Tanner, and potentially skibidi bailiff "Redacted". I bring to you the case of "The Misinformed Vibes" Im new to D&D/TTRPGS and a player in a homebrew 5e game that I'm really enjoying, there's just one problem. During multiple sessions the party has been sent into encounters which we were led to believe were combat oriented only to have the potential enemie(s) flee, or in some cases RP emotional backstories throwing us off. This has either left the table feeling Combat Cucked™,or caused otherwise brief encounters to last FAR longer due to emotional deliberation (literally 2+ hours IRL). Examples of shenanigans include but are not limited to; an escaped pheonix we'd spent days IRL prepping to fight, a family man/buddy guy set of guards that had the only key to an especially secure door (we were told after the session we were supposed to just kill them and move on), and the time I was impaled by a hysterical cave troll Matron who used the arm she tore off her living husband as a javelin after I'd one shot their 7yo child (I was unaware at the time of casting my guiding bolt). JUSTICES! Is it reasonable to be flustered by the evershifting vibes or am I being too rigid as a player, and if judged favorably how can I bring this up to my DM respectfully?

Francis Wayne Dale

To the pizza-rat judges and the big time New York Bayliff Jabroni, I bring you a case against the New York Times. Playing their NYT Games App I was doing the days "Spelling Bee," similar to boggle, and was given the letters to spell the word CANTRIP. When I put in the answer to get the delicious bonus points for a "Spanagram" the NYTs pretended that it wasn't a perfectly valid word used often in a massively popular tabletop game. I still got the "spanagram" for the day with PARTICIPANT but I humbly ask that you punish the New York Times by burning it to the ground or make them gimme a year subscription or something. Whatever's easiest. 🙏 thanks in advance for agreeing with me.

Joe Pelaia

Dear (insert compliment to judges) judges and (insert insult to Jake - unless we’re being nice to Jake then insert compliment) Bayliff George. I bring you the case of the cheesed campaign. My friends and I have been playing for over 8+ years (off and on) and have floated between pathfinder 2 and 5e. One of the players wanted to start DMing (we’ll call him Jafar) so we were playing descent into avernus. Suddenly one of the players (former DM we’ll call him Dom), was paying for Draw Steel (Matt colvilles system) and decided that we’ll play that next week and switch campaigns entirely. There was no group decision, and in fact the new dm (Jafar) and I, have created entirely joke characters to try and force the campaign to end so we can go back to playing a system we actually enjoy For context the draw steel system involves NO d20. Every attack is an auto hit and you only roll for how “effective” your attack is. Are me and my friend wrong for trying to ruin the game with our joke characters, or is this just a case of us needing “to find better friends”. I leave the case in your hands judges

Joshua Andersen

To the Impeccable Justices and the Peckable Bailiff, I present the case of the misused Malboro. I was DMing for a group of friends I’ve been a player in for a few years. On the way through a magical forest, the Rogue spotted a mysterious cabin with several gems inside. Our Artificer smelled a trap and stated he would stay EXACTLY 40 feet back while the rest of the party went to check it out. He was correct, and the group was attacked by a Malboro. Unfortunately, the creature has a breath attack that is 40 feet. Meaning everybody, including the diligent Artificer, was caught in the attack. Everybody rolled saves, and passed, except for the Artificer. All the people who passed also had class and lineage features that allowed them to greatly reduce or completely negate the damage. But the Artificer had no such abilities, and when I rolled very close to max damage, he lost more than half his hit points and was poisoned. The Artificer than proceeded to-- gently-- flip the fuck out. He felt that he had been targeted, as everyone else completely shrugged off the poison. He flat out refused to cast another spell the rest of the time they were in the forest or help out with encounters, and to this day, sometimes brings up that he was targeted. He’s (mostly) joking, but I still wonder if I did something wrong. Judges, are you mad at me? Should I have realized the Artificer was especially vulnerable to this encounter and not run it, or is the player being a bit of a diva roach? If I am in the wrong, I will accept my punishment, and you may have this big brute of a bailiff beat me bloody. P.S. If it changes anything, the Rogue is an aarakocra. I know how Justice Murphy feels about that, so if you wanted to punish him instead, the defense would understand.

hellohallo

Dear benevolent judges and lovely bailiff, I seek your advice for a case technically outside of your jurisdiction. I play D&D and other TTRPGs when I can, and it has brought my friends and I so much joy and hilarity. My boss knows I play D&D, but the other day, he was describing someone we work with that I hadn’t met yet and said, “He looks like he plays Dungeons & Dragons.” I asked him what exactly he meant by that, and he said, “You know what I mean; like he’s never left his mom’s basement.” I gave him side eye, but he continued on to call this man unflattering things. I’ve seen this man since, and he just looks like a regular dude with long hair who wears graphic t-shirts sometimes. Also, TTRPGers are hot now. Judges, what’s the best way to tell my boss he’s making a fool of himself? (P.S. i plan to quit this year so go wild)

cas

dear beautiful bodacious beefy judges and bailiff jonk. i present the case of the inaccurate arrow slit. There was a tall tower, 8 stories tall, with an arrow slit on each side every level. The sun was casting a long tower-shaped shadow, which stretched to the opposite end of the clearing. The party will be tempted to sneak through the shadow. But, there are kobolds that can only see the party if they are in the shadow, and the light is the safe haven as a result. The party decided to take a long rest and woke to see the shadow now covers the door. They need another way in. Our party’s paladin argued with the DM’s description of an arrow slits, saying that “It’s not accurate.” He then proceeded to pull out his phone and look up the average size of arrow slits in real life. He argued that our druid could wildshape into a seagull and feasibly fit through. The DM ruled against this, claiming it wasn’t large enough. They bickered back and forth for a solid 10 minutes. The paladin got increasingly more upset and aggressive. I tried to reason, saying, “It’s his fantasy world, he can do what he wants,” but got ignored. The paladin eventually ended the conversation and left to go to “the bathroom” which was actually just him stewing in his car alone for 20 minutes in silence. The next day, he proceeded to text the DM saying that he didn’t want to play anymore and was quitting the campaign. Judges, was it fair of the paladin to call the DM out on inaccurate information? Could the druid have fit? Or was the paladin overreacting about something trivial? P.S. He didn’t actually quit. It was somewhat of an empty threat.

RareStranger41

Dear Judges Emmy, Marty, Kalebell, and bayleaf Jerk. I come to you with a minor grievance against a previous DM. There was an instance where I, a bullywug cleric, used detect magic to see if there were any magic items within a goblin camp we recently conquered. She declared confidently that there were absolutely no traces of magic in the camp whatsoever. However, upon searching through the camp, we came upon a girl in a box she described as "obviously magical" and that she exuded an aura of magic. When me and another character complained about my wasted spell slot, she stumbled over her words and explained that the plain wooden crate she described was able to block detect magic. Was I right to call her out?

Ryan

May it warm the worm wife and bounce the baby bailiff, I present the case of the sleep crimes. Last session our DM informed us that even though it should be night it was still bright out. Further investigation only gave us that light was everywhere and shadows were weird. We were told the only way to sleep was to cover our eyes and block our ears. Everyone else in the party made successful medicine checks to block their eyes and ears to sleep. As the barbarian I thought I could just tough it out and force myself to sleep. My DM informed me, without any rolls, that I was unable to sleep and gained a level of exhaustion. He said because there are no set rules about sleep deprivation I would gain a level of exhaustion every 4 hours I did not sleep, no rolls to save. The entire party came to my defense and the DM agreed to 1 exhaustion per day and 1 exhaustion per night. Out of protest to these draconian rules I refuse to make a medicine check to cover my eyes and ears to sleep and plan to die to make a point. So I ask the court, is my DM a cruel capricious God and I should die a martyr to their campaign or am I a stubborn fool unwilling to play the game the DM lovingly crafted for me?

Primalkrisis

Hello to the honorable justices axford, tanner and hurwitz, and a more casual hey to the lowly bailiff Brian. In a campaign I used to run a few years back for the other players and the dm of our main campaign, a session got interrupted by me needing to take my brother to the hospital, the player who usually dm’s for the main group volunteered to step up and run things til I got back as the session was just a calm lil day in a boardwalk fairground, i agreed on the condition he didn't do anything too wild story wise. When I got back however, I found out he gave the players a connection to a "milfy cthulu mommy" who was now a level 20 sorcerer acting as a farmilliar for one of the players. When I tried to retcon it, our usual dm stood up and said if I took cthulu away he'd take away features from the carachter I played in his campaign... This campaign was quickly ruined by the eldritch presence and had to end far earlier than I wanted it to. justices, if someone steps up to take your place during an emergency should they get to impose anything they want or should they not be insane, I await your judgement... (Ps. Please give whoever gets punished the second worst one of the day)

Jake Harmon

To the suave and sexy judges and the large man baby bailiff who is my name twin. I bring forth the case of the were-raven playing NEVERMORE! This was 5 years ago but still bothers me to this day. This was the 2nd pc I ever got to play after dming for 8 years. I was playing a chaotic goblin warlock who worshiped the raven queen in the curse of strad campaign. In a town we met were-ravens that I convinced to turn me into one since we both served the raven queen and it fit the astatic. I was warned the 1st time I turn I might lose control and go into a lawful good rampage. I told the party and we were all good with that. Fast forward to the first full moon a few days later. We are sneaking through castle ravenloft to find key information. I begin to turn in the castle. I roll a save and was blessed with dice Christ's favor with a nat 20! Which the dm ruled I got full control over the transformation! I tell the party this but they tackle me and cram my goblin into a bird cage "just incase". I lost the athletic check as a warlock would. I thought it was funny for the first 15 minutes but it got boring after 30. I asked to be released and they would tell me no I might be lying. Even when they rolled insight to see that I wasn't they wouldn't let me out of the cage cause they found it funny which the dm didn't stop them since this was his first time dmimg and nervous to ruin the fun. It lasted the entire session where they used me like I was an item to cast spells and shook me if I didn't. I didn't get released till the next session when we had left the castle. The worst part we only played a few more games after before the game fell apart because 2 of the 4 players moved away and I never got to be a part of the exploration of the castle the one time we were in it. Was I wronged to be forced into a cage when I succeeded the saves because it was funny? Or was my party/dm right to keep me trapped in the cage cause it was funny... even after only getting to be a player twice in 8 years?

Jake Harmon
>>162327713

Ps I still play mainly pathfinder and dm for now going on 12 years.

syzmon

DUNGEON LORDS, LADIES, LIEGES!! and their teeny weeny stall cleaning serfboy Jacobian! I play in an online campaign with several friends. The setting is fantasy Italy and our party is a group of hired hitmen chasing a common goal. Recently, my party was whomped in the sewers by a False Hydra. it was a messy fight where half the party was trapped in an illusion and 6/7 of the party was knocked out before our valiant partymate landed the final blow. My character, a sentient talking horse wearing a cowboy hat, was chomped on by the False Hydra with a CRITICAL HIT while at low HP, and thus was instantly killed with no death saves. I had made my peace with her death and was already pondering what to do with my next character. Much to my suprise, at the end of the fight, my DM described how the defeated false's hydra's flesh liquidly seeped into the corpse of my Dead Horse, bringing her back to life unaturally and making her an undead false hydra horse abomination. Dungeon Lieges, it is with some embarrassment that I present to you some of my new powers: 60 feet of movement every round, with misty step and expeditious retreat spells stocked I can now shapeshift from a horse into a super hot woman, and back again I have double range on ranged attacks with no ranged penalties on spell and weapon attacks. I have two crazy guns that deal 3d10+4 & 2d12+4 damage on a regular hit Access to the Eldritch Knight spell list& i was allowed to restat & reclass my character to better flavor her undead state. The only downside is that if my hitpoints are reduced to 0 again, I die immediately with no death saves. Dungeon lieges, my problem is, I just don't know how to roleplay this. Playing as a gunslinging mafia horse was already a Hat on a Hat, but now I'm a Horse who's also a Undead who's also an Incredibly Hot Woman who also has guns in her heels and kicks super hard. I've lost track of the number of hats at this point and I've found it hard to stay in character because I don't know which direction my character is going in. My character also feels significantly more powerful than the other characters in my party, which makes me uncomfortable. What do I do? Should I just keep Beating this Dead horse, lean in to the insanity of this character and make her as broken and freaky as possible ? Or should I talk to my DM and ask for some order to the madness? Much love, Accidentally OP and Overwhelmed P..S My DM says that he tends to give his players many OP, homebrew, bonuses and overpower them to match the high power levels of his campaign, so there's a chance the rest of the party will get upgrades that are equally crazy. After discussing my character's revival, my DM has told me that he needs my character alive for a while longer to drive the plot forward, which might be why he gave me all this plot armor.

Fia

May it please the Court and the furtive whelp named Jonk, I present to you the Case of the Puckle Gun Fuck-Up: A few years ago, a friend ran a home-brew campaign set in gold rush era Australia. There were wagon chases, steampunk bushrangers, and a mysterious cabal of colonial sorcerers pulling the strings behind the scenes. Unfortunately, we players were naughty piggies and the DM constantly let us get away with antisocial mischief like pushing villains down mineshafts or stealing trains from country towns. Finally, the DM put a handbrake on - or so he thought. The party had stolen a hand-cranked machine gun called a puckle gun, and was excited to use this gun against the BBEG's goons. But when we arrived in a town we knew was infested with bad guys, the DM narrated that the locals were having a festival complete with banners and joyful children, oppa jamboree style. Four of the PCs realised we couldn't have our coveted explosive entrance, because we'd hurt the innocents. But the final player was furious that the DM had prevented us from using our superweapon. This player got cranking and opened fire on the festival, killing both countless innocents... and the campaign itself which was never reconvened again. Justices: was the DM blueballing the party out using our shiny overpowered toy? Or did the fifth player blueball us out of a whole campaign when they mowed down the innocents of 19th century Bendigo?

Ryder1o9

May it please the court of highly esteemed crit justices and the simple but lovely bailiff Jake. This isn't a recent case by any means as I'm well in my 20's now but I haven't played D&D since this has happened because its really weighed on me ever since. In high school I found out about D&D from a classmate Berry (fake name) that was a friend of mine. He had offered for me to join him and his friends in a D&D club. It was just after school and one of the teachers was the DM. I asked Berry if he was sure he wanted me to join as I at the time knew nothing about it and would probably frequently need to get advice from him. Berry stated it was ok and spent some time at lunch helping me build my first character. Two days later I canceled my game night plans and stayed after school to play and was super excited with all the character building I did. When I had walked into the classroom there were a total of 9 or 10 guys who, all but berry, looked real uncomfortable that I was there. They had made a comment about me being a girl but I thought really nothing of it. Within 10 minutes my turn was skipped, I was told I shouldn't act and should hold my turn to heal them (I had made a badass druid I planned to have focused on fighting) and told I was playing the wrong kind of character. I was already upset but it came to the point where the entire party tried to steal all my supplies and push me into a chasm. The DM who was my favorite teacher at the time tried to gently coax them to stop but with a failed opposed strength check my character was killed. The guys cheered and said now I could make a good character. Instead I got mad, packed up and stormed out. Later Berry had texted me”that wasn't very cool of me to storm out and that it caused the teacher to cancel the whole club as well as making excuses like “that was just the guys roleplaying in their chaotic evil characters.” and “I told you it was a roleplaying game, if you can't handle roleplay then don't play D&D”. I stopped talking to him and its been years but I still haven't stopped thinking about it. Was I wrong to not go along with the roleplay and inadvertently ruin their club? Is there even a WAY to roleplay around that? And should I just get over it and try dipping my toes back into D&D?

humanoidudon

To anyone who can, please help. I have been playing dnd at a local board game store for the past year and have made friends with the girls in my party. Sometimes, we hang out at friend A's house before we go for sessions. We have a national holiday around the corner and she extended the invitation to everyone in the party except our DM. She explained she felt awkward, as there was at least a 9 year age gap between our DM and the rest of the party and she would have a hard time explaining the relationship to her parents, who she lives with. In a conversation friend A was not in, the DM mentioned he could not attend, but would like to be invited. I relayed this information to friend A to be nice to the DM. So, she extended the invitation to everyone in the dnd group chat. The DM said yes. I felt absolutely baited and terrible. I apologized to friend A and she has assured me that she is okay with this, but I know I have royally fucked up. It is also in 2 days and on my birthday. Please flay me alive, tell me how to make it up to her and give me detailed instructions on how to act in this horribly awkward occasion.

Kyle Reyes

Dear glorious Crit justices on high and the second coolest bailiff Jake, I present to you the Case of the Missed Birthday. I run a dnd game with four lads, and this day, January 29th, I celebrated my 25th birthday. Huzzah! Or so I expected. One of my players MISSED my birthday! No well wishes. No shout. Absolute silence. I've known the man for 6 years! The gauntlet has been thrown. Throw open the gates and let loose the dogs of war! How should I punish such a brazen act on my big day? Fortunately, I AM the dungeon master. Happy Birthday to Me, Kyle pstscrpt. I do not mind, really :) just wanna send him to the razzberry patch

Keek

Dearest delicious and steamy Crit Justices and their unseasoned, over boiled bailiff, Steak. I bring to you a case of a Sacrificial Raven. We are a few sessions into a new campaign and I was playing a lvl 2 Pact of the Raven Queen Warlock with my Raven companion, Bird’s Eye. During a difficult fight with an eldritch cultist, who’s rechargeable ability allowed him partially planeshift to impose disadvantage on our attacks, I attempted to get him to slay my Raven compatriot to gain advantage on him for the next 24 hours per the ruling of the subclass. After a couple rounds of beak attacks that the cultist ignored I decided to go a more direct route and said my bird was going to hold an action so the next time BBEG took a swing at someone my bird would fly in to intercept it. The DM argued that wasn’t an ability my raven would have and it wouldn’t be fair for me to have a creature I could use as a shield, pulling up the animal companion rulings for beast master as reference. I refuted that my Raven was not a part of the animal companions and that it had its own (admittedly sparse) rule as my subclass. Namely, that during combat I controlled its actions through mental commands. Ultimately my Raven did not get to sacrifice himself to protect the meek, but he did get struck down the very next attack gaining me advantage. Judges, I must know. Is my DM a bird brain for referencing a different subclass’s animal rulings, or should I shut my beak and follow the pecking order when it comes to bird abilities? I eagerly await your just desserts. (P.S we are working out a list of actions Bird’s Eye can take for future fights)

Bubble_kitten

To the Dazzling Rainbow Road Justices and the Muddy Wario Stadium Bailiff, I present the case of the Thwarted Pirate Ship Heist. A couple years ago, my now husband DMed a pirate themed one-shot for me and a group of our college friends, most of whom (including myself) were very new to DnD. The session started with our party having to fight off an enemy pirate crew that tried to board our ship. We won the battle and everyone was having fun, until our party's druid decided he wanted to board the enemy pirates' ship, take it for his own, and sail away into the horizon. The DM discouraged this as it would derail the session, telling the druid that there was no loot on the ship and that it was actively sinking, but the druid would not relent. The rest of our party sat awkwardly as they went back and forth, until my husband finally had his DM PC, the captain of our crew, pull his pistols on the druid and threaten to kill him for his mutiny. To this the druid said "what the fuck, man?" but finally backed down and rejoined our ship. The rest of our session went smoothly; we entered the Pirate's Cove, solved treacherous puzzles, found the treasure, and successfully killed our captain after he revealed himself to be the BBEG who wanted to take all the treasure for himself. It was a blast in the end, but my husband still has lingering frustration about the incident and wonders if he was too harsh on the druid. Justices, was my husband justified in railroading the druid into abandoning the enemy ship, or was the druid right to feel that he was robbed of his fun? We humbly await your ruling.

Wilhelm Bulathsinhala

To the Honourable and Scintillating Justices and bailiff jake. I present the case of the Cucking Detect Thoughts: Our characters (Soc, Wiz, Knowledge Cleric and Paladin) were parleying with the General of an invading army and her retinue. Two of our party led the conversation with her. Several characters, including my own, asked if there were any spellcasters with her party, a natural 20 +7 perception gave a description of her crew but nothing solid. There was no foreshadowing to lead us to believe that she was super powered or that she possessed powerful magical abilities. All players and some of our characters knew that she was a high ranking member of the Waterdeep city guard. Towards the end of the talks, I used a Medallion of Thoughts to cast the Detect Thoughts spell. This spell has 2 parts: 1) Detect the surface thoughts of any intelligent creature with 30ft, focusing on 1 creature at a time. 2) Attempt to probe deeper into the creature's mind. The target must make a Wisdom saving throw. If it fails, you gain insight into its reasoning, its emotional state, and something that looms large in its mind. I used the first part of the spell but I was asked to make a Wisdom saving throw, which I did with a natural 20 +6 from proficiency and +4 from our Paladin’s aura, for a total of 30. The DM vaguely described her thoughts but then said she was pulling me further into her mind and that I could pull back or go in. Considering the near impossible 30 Wis save, I “yes and”ed and went in. He then talked about her inner thoughts for 30+ mins, but most of it was stuff we as players already knew. At the end of which, when my character tried to talk, he couldn’t communicate in any intelligible way, couldn’t make checks other party members were making because my character was too dazed and (I can only assume for flavour) was bleeding from his nose looking like he was going to fall off his horse. A Cure Wounds from the Cleric did nothing. The session continued for a while longer but I could not contribute in any meaningful way so I muted myself and dissociated. Furthermore: at the end of the session he suggested that my character could be brain dead. Justices, was I wronged by the DM’s off-the-menu interpretation of Detect thoughts or was the DM justified in cucking my character? I humbly await your judgement. Love, Wil.

Michael Allison

To the Magnificently Illumined Judges of the Crit, and jarn: I present to you the case of the Cardinal Sin. I recently started playing in a campaign that began with a session zero to establish the map layout, geopolitical landscape, and where our team of spies fit in. Everyone contributed to naming important locations and persons in the world, which led to many side discussions and not everyone saw all the names going onto the map. Cut to session 1. We're in the town of Salt Bay, about to disembark in our hired ship, and the DM playing a plucky captain asks us where we'd like to go. I say North, and the captain responds "What's that?" as the DM points to the compass rose on the map, on which the four cardinal directions have been replaced by the words Eksil, Plogg, Doosner, and Skrep. I get a bit incredulous say "Okay we want to go Eksil. Then I want to walk to the scrompton, which is my new name for beach, and take a big breath of Flipps, or air, into my lungs which I'm now calling Fsspss." A couple people chuckled but the DM and another player who I don't know as well got kind of quiet. On session two, we voyaged in the direction the DM insisted was Eksil by PloggEksil. Every time he said these words he had to look them up on the map first, and all the players also had to look to see what the hell he meant. We had a fun time, but I think my increasingly exasperated responses to this insufferable worldbuilding caused offense and may have made the session less fun for the player who clearly thought this up. I ask the court: should I have bit my tongue and let the Doosnerly wind blow us Eksil, or am I right to dunk on this wannabe Tolkien?

Matthew Harvey

To the esteemed judges and the guy summoned for jury duty: I bring you the case of dice fudging amnesia. I played a rogue who had taken gold instead of following love and then had been cursed to walk eternally because of it. Part of the backstory was everytime I went unconscious I'd have a chance of forgetting people from my backstory with the curse being I'd forget the things that make life living. As the campagin went my character and the fighter had some ongoing romantic tension that I was keen to explore...until the fighter's player and I went on an in real-life date that ended with me realizing I wasn't actually into him. Ever since thing went slightly awkward at the table with him doubling down on his characters connection to mine which did make narrative sense since we'd previously established a deep connection there but it was starting to make me uncomfortable. So instead of doing the mature thing I natrually fudged the dice roll when I went unconscious next so my character would completely forget their bond and any feeling associated and I could roleplay him as a total stranger. This change however did mean our dynamic at D&D became more strained and contributed to the descion to end our long-running campaign early and eventually end our friendship. So justices was I wrong to use a game mechanic I made to forget a fellow PCs existence or was the fighter in the wrong for continuing to roleplay a character dynamic that had been soured by real-life romantic messiness?

Jacob Penny

Hello judges of both the law of RAW, and the rule of cool. And the narrator. I come to you today with a case of robbed rad-ness. Recently, my warlock/artificer half-metal cowboy and the rest of our level 8 party were celebrating at a festival. A summer solstice celebration took place as the snowy effects of an adult white dragon made the town eternally covered in ice and snow. As the rest of the party finished winning their games, I took it upon myself to go speak with the leader of the town, who was sitting atop a cliff that overlooked the festivities. After a tense conversation, using Disguise Self to make my duster billow in the wind, the leader told me that he did not want the dragon gone, as it had become a tradition to give tithes to the dragon, and it kept the townspeople’s greed in check. As my character and I are grubby treasure goblins, we couldn’t let that mountain of a horde go to waste. As I gave my final monologue, I stepped closer to the edge of the cliff and spoke of my party’s strength. Metal covered my body, and I jumped off the cliff. Now, since my DM is super cool, we all got to choose from the post-game boons at level 8 that he approved, and I had kept mine a secret from the party for a month. I was describing how after I hit the ground, the ice shattered below me, and I took no damage due to my Boon of Invincibility, the DM jokingly said before I could finish, “So you die lol.” I didn’t actually die, but it turned into a small joke rather than a sick moment. So, while I still love my DM, I humbly request that the court decide whether my rad-ness was robbed, or if I was being too over-the-top cool. PS - If it scores me points, my artificer cannon is also my metal snake companion, Slang.