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Tortle Tank Submissions Please! (Patreon)

Published:
2025-01-13 15:54:24
Imported:
2026-06

Content

Hatchlings! The Tortles will be convening SOON and we're looking for players and DMs to pitch Homebrew rules and creations for us to invest our eggs in.

Comment with your ideas here on this post. As always, please keep your pitch tight!

Thank you!

Jake

Comments

Gumbercules

Leave a Portent, Take a Portent. The players can re-roll one roll per session, but the DM can do the same. No canceling out each other's re-rolls. No eggs. I just need bus fare.

Luke McCauley

Tortles behold, I present to you the Big Punch. This works for both players and DM’s. When someone at your table pisses you off you just fucking punch them in the face and yell “BIG PUNCH!” I need no eggs, you can have this one for free.

Tykora

Hello Tortles, today i bring before you a never before seen magical item! BEHOLD! The Fugly Stick! This gnarled quarter staff not only deals 1 d8 of bludgening damage but on a successful hit you can expend 1 of 3 charges to disfigure your victim so bad their allies will see them as a hostile monster upon failing their dc 15 con saving throw and they will remain disfigured until they are either beaten back into shape upon a successful attack or healed to fix their new cruel fate. In return for this magical item all i ask is that you share "some of your time" , perhaps to discuse more of my wares? Surely as tortles you have some time to spare?

JesterTheCleric

Tortles, I come bearing an addition to the Ceremony spell, to allow for some fun in game birthday celebrations. Ceremony (Birthday Rite) The verbal component to this spell when choosing this rite is singing the Happy Birthday song. When you cast the spell, you conjure a birthday cake, the flavor and look of which is determined by the birthday person. The candles on the cake magically stay lit until blown out by the birthday person, but the cake disappears at the next dawn. When the candles are blown out, the person gets a single luck point that must be spent by the next dawn, or else it disappears. At the DM's discretion, the person may instead make a single wish when blowing out the candles, the extent and effect of which is determined by the DM upon the wish being made. A creature can benefit from this rite only once per year, on their birthday. I ask for 1 perfect scrambled egg seasoned to perfection in return for 49% stake in my company.

Chase Thompson

Greeting tortles, I come with a idea I thought up while back on my way to college. I present Dual Activation. Forgo all but one(or all) attacks or entire action and bonus action(spell casters) to activate two bonus action abilities, items or cast spells in any combination. This will help with martial classes that have multiple bonus action abilities such as my level 10 character. A way of the Open Hand Monk, 9 levels taken, and a recent level in Barbarian. I have the magic item the Eldritch Claw Tattoo, bonus action ki uses and now rage. I think this will help keep fights flowing at a decent rate and also look cool, ie transformations in DBZ or other anime’s. Magic would still work as usually so no casting two leveled spells. I ask for 3 eggs with a 60% stake in the idea/company.

Gabagooblin

Hello Tortles! Are you hungry for better culinary encounters in dnd? Bored of basic checks to make a meal? Well prepare to sate your appetite with...Cutthroat Dungeon! Inspired by (but legally distinct from!) Alton Brown's Cutthroat Kitchen, this encounter would pit players against one another in a series of cooking challenges. Here's how it works: Each round, the players are given a dish to cook and each ingredient type is assigned a die value (d8 for produce, d12 for dairy, d20 for monster components, etc). Players have 1 minute (or 10 rounds) to gather ingredients by completing challenges in the "pantry", like scaling a cliff face to obtain a special spice or defeating an abyssal chicken to make wings. Throughout the round, the DM will introduce auctions that the players can bid on, using the gold allotted to them for the session (25k each). This might include tap shoes that cast irresistible dance on a player for 1d4 rounds, swapped utensils that lower a player's weapon damage to 1d4, or a trickster blessing that lets you steal an ingredient. At the end of the minute, the players "cook" by rolling dice based on the ingredients they managed to collect and whoever gets the highest score wins the round. However, there is one more auction before the roll that includes sabotages such as rolling their highest ingredient die with disadvantage, or having to yeet their dice into a cup/shot glass and only rolling the ones that make it in. For this exciting encounter that is sure to rake in the ratings, I'm asking for a basket of eggs to use in an ingredient auction and a cut of the royalties for PrismaticWasteland, whose TTRPG Cooking Minigame was the inspiration for the dice values.

Alex Goveo

Greetings Tortles! I bring before you, the Crit-Combo system! One of the things I felt was missing from the game of Dungeons and Dragons, was combat synergy amongst the team. In order to have more of a team-attack feeling, I developed the Crit-Combo system. The Crit-Combo System: When you land a critical hit, you will now have the option to start a c-c-c-combo! Here’s how it works: When you crit on an attack, you can now opt to trigger a combo. As a reaction, the next player in initiative will be able to use their reaction to move up to half their speed and attack the original target. This next attack will be made with advantage. The dc for a crit will also be lowered by 1. If the next player also crits, that will trigger a combo to the next player in initiative as well, lowering the threshold for a critical again by 1. This can continue until the combo reaches the player who originally attacked, then the combo ends. Ex: The barbarian uses his reckless attack and rolls a natural 20! He chooses to trigger a combo, he rolls his damage and then it is the warlock’s turn in the combo since she is next in initiative. The warlock can now crit if she rolls a 19 or a 20. She chooses to not move and rolls to hit with an eldritch blast. She rolls a 19, triggering another combo! The warlock rolls her damage and the combo moves on to the fighter. Since the fighter is a champion, he crits on a 19 or 20 usually, but since there have been two successful combos triggered, the threshold is lowered by 2, meaning the champion fighter can now crit on a 17, 18, 19 or 20! However, the champion fighter only rolls a 15 on the die, ending the combo. He rolls his damage, if he hits, and we go back to the barbarian to finish his turn. I am seeking your wettest egg in return for 3.14% of the pi.

Fish Harlan

Tortles, I am here to present a new method of stat generation for characters. I found this originally created by someone going by JohnnyCanuck, though I have modified it for my own means. This is the 24DL6 method. Rather than roll for each stat individually, instead, roll 24d6 and drop the lowest 6 results. Then, assign the resulting dice to each stat. Each stat must have at most 4 dice, at minimum 2. Stats cannot go over 18 with no required minimum, but a suggested minimum of 6. This method has all the randomness of dice rolling with all the customization of point buy. It has generated some incredibly powerful characters, and one warlock with a 4 strength. It allows for a wide range in the party as well, both in terms of stat distribution and state totals. Tortles, I am offering 50% of future chaos in exchange for just like one really crisp high five. I'm open to negotiations.

Ben Scott

Hello, Robust Tortles. I bring to you, a homebrew for our college gamers. Each time you crit fail, you may imbibe your substance of choice to reroll, once per check/save/attack. I have tried this at my table to great success. It makes me (the DM) much better at role play. Thanks for the eggs.

Nav Mann

I have a rule for monster's using legendary resistance, because we can all agree it makes boss fights much less fun for casters when the goal is to just "burn through legendary resistance" when the fighters can just deal straight damage. Monsters still have their "3x legendary resistance per day" to automatically succeed on a saving throw, but it costs them either hit points to use or something specific to them, example costs 2 legendary actions, or for something like a purple worm it might force them to spot out something they have swallowed, etc. Give me eggs

ImmortalCrow786

Good morning tortles! I hope yalls eggs are fresh and... ripe I guess. Eggs are weird. I bring you the reaction subclass wizard for 10% of the company and the ability to call down cakes from the sky, boon from Jake specifically. The reaction wizard will allow the caster to "set" a certain number or type of spell that they can cast as a reaction. They also gain an extra reaction specifically only for spell casting. Almost like a baked in legendary action but with spell lvl limits and such. Per proficiency bonus or something like that. I call it the speedster wizard. Thank you for your time today, may your tides be high and food shrimpy

Riley Coudal

To the investors and their slave boy caretaker I propose this nat 20s are too good and nat 1 too bad, what I propose is a 20 is actually a 25 and a nat 1 is actually a -5 rolled, nat 20 also gives inspiration. I am asking for 1 single egg shells to make into paint

Nathaniel Blouin

Good morrow kind Tortles, My pitch is for a new mechanic to help barbarians have a bit more role play built into the class. My DM has introduced Charisma based attacks. Basically I get to use my rage in role play scenarios by being very excited to have a conversation. So if I would roll a persuasion check I can use my rage to give me my attack bonus from rage. It incentivizes a more creative use of rage as well as gives me the chance to not be a meat head outside of combat. I would like 1 really big egg for this. Thank you

Rob H.

Hello Turtles! I would like to pitch this homebrew spell. I created it for my wife's arcane trickster but I think it could be fun for many different classes: Miniscule Rampage Casting time: 1 bonus action Duration: 1 round Range: self You shrink yourself down to a height of half an inch. While in this form, your speed is 10 feet, your AC is 18 and you have 1hp. You are invisible and inaudible to creatures of medium or larger size, although you may be detected by magical means or by other senses such as blindsight or tremorsense. The spell ends if you take more than 1hp of damage, with any damage over 1 being inflicted on your regular form. You can end the spell early by casting another spell, using an item, or making a weapon attack. If the weapon attack hits, you may add 1d10 of force damage. If you take none of these actions, you return to your regular size at the end of your next turn.

Jackson Bova

Good morning your tortlenesses. I am here as a humble dm presenting the idea of “Hail Mary’s” or The Longshot Clause. Every 5 levels I let my players have 1 use of this. They can cash it in at any time and basically I get to come up with a wacky and outlandish way someone from within the world or just the world itself helps to get them out of their life threatening trouble. For this idea, I am requesting an one egg, each cooked in every possible way and a very wet flipper shake. Much love.

Chip

Hello Tortles, for the low low price of only 27 & 2/3 eggs I offer you the Celestial Globe: This palm sized globe made of silver is engraved with a map of the stars. Once a day as a reaction when a creature within 60 ft is required to roll a saving throw the user may cause the globe to spin. The player then rolls a d20 and the creature uses that die roll as if it was their own. This may only occur before results of the rolls success or failure is announced. After each use the stars on the globe shine bright as one fades out into darkness. Once a result is rolled by this item it may never be used again Once all 1-20 are rolled the globe becomes a mundane item worth ~300 gp

GGCoopie

To my big big big big torties, imagine you are sitting down at a table with your friends, playing out fantasies to your hearts content. You look at your character sheet... what a fine character you have. So safe. So familiar. You roll a d20 and you look at your stats... it's another hit! Wait... what is that a little touch of deadness behind your eyes? Has that character you hold so dear to your heart become... boring? It's time to spice up your roleplay with the Ring of Class Changing! It only holds one charge... but you can use it to randomly change your character class... no go-backsies! Everything else stays the same. Your name, your level, your stats, your backstory, that mini bottle of seltzer water that you stole from a troll in the Fey, it all stays. But your class? Totally random! Sick of smites? Sling some spells! Eldrich Blast? Smell-dritch smash that Artificer potion! Rolling your eyes whenever you have to say "I go into a rage..." again? Then this is the ring for you! Now, I haven't figured out the randomness mechanics quite yet... to be honest I got the ring from a bog hag and I'm too afraid to use it myself... but I'd be willing to part with it for a sit down meal of a dozen eggs with you. So, deal or no deal?

Drew Mindell

Friends, Tortles, Countrymen, lend me your eggs. I come bearing the little sprinkle of pizazz we're all seeking for our nat 20 initiative rolls. When you roll a nat 20 on initiative, you get to decide your place in the initiative order. A critical success means surveying the field and knowing when your sick moves would be of the most strategic benefit. Maybe the healer wants to hang back until the big bad has thrown out some serious damage. Maybe the barbarian wants to follow a caster who spends their turn throwing out some sick nerfs on the opponents, priming them for some sweet sweet rage. Or maybe you wanna jump right in there and do all your badass moves right from the top. The world is your oyster, tortles! All I ask for in return is two dozen normal eggs, because eggs are expensive and I like to bake.

Jake P

Good day, Tortles. I'll keep it short, so, respectfully, listen the fuck up: Stackable inspiration points like in Baldur's Gate 3. It becomes a fun new resource for players to earn for RP shenanigans, and DMs don't have to worry because players will hoard and never spend them, waiting for the perfect moment that never comes. Also, I don't want your malformed eggs; I donate my idea to the public domain.

Jack Malizia

Hello Tortles, the wise, bold, cautious, and even the one who is a coward, have no fear because today I bring to you a multifaceted Magic Item, the Wand of Egg. Earned from doing a task for a Giant Mother Hen, the Wand of Egg works like many other Wands having Ten Charges, as an action you can use the Wand to Cast Egg, for every charge you use you can either cover 1 5 foot square of the battle map in slippery egg causing difficult terrain, or shoot the Egg at an enemy doing 1 d 6 of egg damage per charge. (The egg grows with each charge) The Wand regains 1d4 charges every day when the rooster crows. If you use all the charges roll a D20 if you roll a Nat 1, the Wand disappears and becomes a baby chick. You can also eat the eggs. For this Wand of Egg I ask for, A dozen large Brown eggs, and some guacamole.

Matt Heartwood

Well hello there gentleturts! Ever want to bring a bunch of specific animals along on your adventures, but can't risk the failed stealth checks and other hazards of a traveling menagerie? Courtesy of an NPC from my home game who makes demiplanar wildlife sanctuaries, I have here a proposal for a variant on the Bag of Tricks: the Bag of Buddies! It is functionally identical to Bag of Tricks, except instead of randomized wild animals, it's your pets! When you receive the bag, you create or designate six different beasts of CR 1 or less, complete with names, to be the pets that live in the bag. The pets live in a joyful demiplanar habitat where they have everything they need. Up to three times a day you can summon a pet by pulling a fuzzball from the bag and tossing it while calling the pet by name. The fuzzball bursts and your pet appears in that space. Summoned pets stay out until dawn, or until they drop to zero HP, at which point they go back to the bag to take a nap. If a pet was injured and returned to the bag, they can't be summoned again for 24 hours. For this idea, I ask only that you place 6 of your eggs in this bag I have.

Iris Geurts

Dear tortles of the tank of tortleness. Have you ever felt that rolling the dice for stats is too swingy, giving some people really good stats but your unlucky friend only negative modifiers? But does point buy or, dice christ forbid, standard array feel too boring? Fear not, I have the solution that makes everyone have the same stats, but keep the randomness! Take a deck of playing cards, and take 12 cards, specifically a 9, four 8's, three 6's, three 4's and a 3. Shuffle them together and lay them in pairs. The total of a pair will be your number, e.g. an 8 and a 6 would give you a 14. Now comes the funnest part. To give you a little say in your stats, you can make a single swap. This makes sure you always have at least one high stat! I will sell this idea for 52 eggs, so I can create a card deck of eggs.

Nah Dude

Tight pitch, keeping it brief if it so pleases the lesser turts and mighty torts. When doing luck checks don't most of use 1-10 for bad and 11-20 for good? But considering it's a LUCK check I offer a small tweak, easily implemented. The rules would be the same but 13s are bad and 7s are good. That's it. For this idea I'll tax your luck itself, any eggs you may own with double yolks will be mine upon discovery of such fact.

Nicolas P.

Good evening Tortles, I have a scenario for you. Imagine: You are leveling up your character, and you don’t get any features that you’re super excited about. It’s okay, it happens. But you realize at least you get a hit point increase. You decide to roll for it because taking the average is boring. But wait, you roll a 1. You have +0 CON. All that time spent grinding and you get 1 more hp? Feels terrible doesn’t it? I have the solution: a simple homebrew rule that makes even the worst level up feel satisfying. The rule is that whenever a character levels up, they roll for their hp increase, and if they get lower than the average, they get the average instead. So if your hit die is a d8, you roll a 2, you take 5 instead. Tortles, I’m asking for 2 poached eggs to go with my toast in exchange for 47% ownership. Thank you for your time.

JustSomeKnob

What the shell?!?!?

Kyle Welch

Welcome Tortles Today I have a solution to a problem that has plagued DnD for millennia. What’s the worst possible thing to happen to you while playing DnD? Rolling a Nat 20 on Initiative. To balm this grievous wound I have devised a simple solution. Whenever a player(or monster if ya nasty) rolls a nat 20 initiative for that first turn they gain the extra action granted by the Haste spell. This action comes with limits such as only being able to dash, dodge, disengage, or make a single attack. For this simple yet elegant solution I only ask for as many eggs as Jake can fit into his mouth.

Mike Conroy

Hello esteemed Tortles. I come presenting an ability that will please the ears of anyone who likes stealth and disguises: the Study Your Mark ability (name pending per litigation). For some characters disguising themselves as others and sneaking into places is a go to move, and so they deserve an ability that caters just to them. Once per short rest, the player may study a persons speech patterns and maneurisms before impersonating them. Then, for one hour after, they gain advantage on any persuasion, deception, or performance checks used to convince others of their role. For some optional more dice rolling, have the player roll an insight check and instead of advantage grant a bonus based on the result (ie, for every 2 above 15 on Insight, they gain a +1 to checks) In return for this, I ask for a measly 1 Billion George Foreman Grills

Evan Thompson

Tortels, I present to you Cerebus Satellite Radio. From the first layer of Avernus, broadcast to anywhere it needs to be. Use it to lore drop in an interesting way or a way to shoehorn / explain having music for online sessions. Could also be used for a warriors style campaign. Only asking for a small donation of eggs, use promo code HELLHOUND for a free first month. Thank you tortels!

Austin C Bell

Terrapins! 4 words, JNCO pants of holding. I'll take all the eggs you can give me.

David Silva

Hey Tortles, do you ever have players with Brian Murphy-like rolls? A player who seems to attract natural 1’s like flies to honey? I know I have and for them I’ve created an item tailored to their particular predicament. I present to you the Jinx Blade, like a luck blade with a little stank on it. Whenever someone wields this magic weapon, enemies take a -1 to any saves the wielder imposes. This weapon reverses natural 1s and natural 20s on attacks, saving throws and ability checks so you crit on a 1. However, if you roll a 20 you can a Jinx Charge that you can use with a reaction to force a creature to fail a saving throw or miss an attack after the roll has been made. The Jinx Blade can only hold 2 charges safely. On the third charge, the weapon loses all charges and deals 6d12 necrotic damage to the wielder that they are not immune or resistant to. For this weapon, I only ask for 300 eggs and 40% of future profits.

Skillful Ferret

Greetings Tortles, Today I offer you the battle of a lifetime for your adventurers. The Gu Ritual. You have an array of monsters set to fight your adventurers but they do not die after defeat. Once a monster is defeated the nearest monster to touch the remains merges with it with health half restored, and capable of doing anything from either monster’s stat sheet. Though for balancing once you decide to use a particular attack the DM must continue to use that stat sheet for the rest of that turn. Anything else can freely be chosen between the multiple monsters. This works as a very fun and challenging fight where the tension builds as the fight goes on. I am willing to sell this idea for exclusive rights to be the artist to draw whatever cool or funny amalgamation that results from your first Gu ritual or what comes from your discussion hence forth.

meanbeard

Greetings to the Tortle Tank from a humble DM who is egg-poor, but idea-rich. One of the most devastating moments in any combat is when a player rolls to hit and misses their target by one measly number. When the fighter narrates a devastating "Watch This" moment, rolls a 16, then learns that the beastie's AC is 17, you can feel the collective gut punch from every member of the party. So I added a rule where if you miss by 1, you can extend your attack, just barely clawing your way to success. This effort comes at a cost: you are now exposed, and from now until the beginning of your next turn, all attacks against you have combat advantage. All I ask in exchange for this idea is one dozen eggs, preferably sunny-side up. And maybe $5 to cover parking.

StormBreaker

Sheeeells up steamy tortles and the lowly lowly bailif Cake i guess. I bring to you a no-nonsense item for true D&D enthusiasts, a magical item, the Bud-Heavy Spellfridge. I only ask for 1 Bud-Heavy in exchange for 69% of this business and 8.9% of all sales in perpetuity along with all my previously acquired eggs...(please take them even if you decide not to be in and therefore out as I am allergic to them and am swelling up as we speak). So without further ado I present the Bud-Heavy Spellfridge. Have you or a loved one ever needed just one extra spell in a battle or perhaps an icy cold beverage to lift your spirits after the tide has turned against you? Look no further than the Bud-Heavy Spellfridge for all your beverage and spell related needs! As an object interaction *anyone* can open this compact mini-fridge, and you'll never guess what's inside! That's right, it's a spell that *someone* put in there earlier...unfortunately you never know what spell it is exactly until you open the fridge and it is cast automatically! You must then make a spell save DC against the original caster of the spell, but don't worry friend...if you fail instead of casting the spell automatically you simply receive an iced cold Bud-Heavy for your trouble. If you pass the spell DC you can make a Dexterity save to get out of the way or aim the fridge at an unsuspecting NPC or BBEG. What secrets or spells lie in the depths of this compact, lightweight, easy to use fridge? We may never know...but we can all agree that an iced cold Bud-Heavy is welcome in any adventure. I shellfishly await your wet handshake of friendship. P.S. Not Balnor P.P.S. No, really, it isn't I just like Bud-Heavy. P.P.P.S. Please stop reading and remember to open your nearest mini-fridge.

Dany (Ryu)

Hello Tortles! I come to you asking for 500 Soft-Boiled Dragon Tortle eggs, in echanxge for a 31% stake in what i call: Dragon Sickness. A combination of a mechanic from Fantasy High season 2, and the chronicles of narnia, as well as the norse legend of Fafnir, the dwarf whose greed turned him into a dragon. Essentially, a dragons hoard, by the nature of dragons themselves is cursed. Anyone who steals from the hoard and knows its draconic origin, wether they kill the dragon or not, is cursed and slowly turns into a dragon over the course of daily checks, with 5 symptoms increasing with each failed check. Every day, the person must make a constitution check to resist the curse, starting at DC 12, and increasing by 1 per passed check. A passed check for that day only delays the next symptom, and the checks will be repeated and keep the raised check until the symptoms are all fulfilled, which are: 1: Greed you suddenly start to hoard anything of value to you, and get aggressive when someone tries to take something you "hoard" 2: Your eyes become draconic, with a color and iris to match the dragon you stole from 3: Your skin starts to harden into scales, giving you +1 natural armor 4: You go into a catatonic state and begin to grow, gaining +1 to your size (if you were a medium creature, you'd become a large creature etc) 5: Your body erupts and you become a full fledged adolescent dragon, of the same coloration as the dragon you stole from, and you lose all sense of who you were before. There are a few ways to cure Dragon sickness: The Remove Curse spell or potion, being killed and resurrected (not brought to zero and then healed or stabilized), or having the gold removed from your possession or ownership, either by your own will or someone elses. Removing the curse from whatever the dragon is hoarding before stealing it will keep you safe from the curse. I thank you for your Tortlish time.

G.X. Barnett

Tortles, has your party ever been thoroughly ruined by an over zealous player playing an over zealous Paladin? Too noble? Too holier-than-thou? Too condescending? Well, here’s the answer for you! The selfish Paladin! Yes, The Oath of Mutiny paladin looks out for number 1, their self! As your oath is to your own individuality and freedom, you don’t deal radiant damage, but rather psychic! Have you ever wanted to play a paladin, but been off put that their won’t be enough demons, devils, or undead in the campaign to warrant use of your Smites? Well, The Oath of Mutiny paladin is for you as the extra damage isn’t done to “evil” creatures, but rather in an alignment altering move, they affect “lawful” creatures instead. After a successful play test, all I ask in return is a years supply of crick water and 20% ownership of the S.S. Allette.

James W

Good day fine Tortles. My proposition today is a mechanic to make death suck just a little less. You hate to kill a player...sometimes...but at least with this method their character will have one final moment to act. The Death Action is as follows: Dying with Style. When your character dies, they have a last moment to do something. This happens immediately after you either fail your last death save or immediately after you are killed. It can be an action, bonus action, movement, reaction (if applicable), or a free action. The only caveat is that this action cannot be used to save oneself, your fate is already sealed, and you cannot heal yourself, cast a teleportation spell on yourself, revivify, or anything of the sort. For my beautiful homebrew rule im requesting a half dozen eggs in these trying times, thank you Tortles

Craig Felt

Hello turtles! I present to you today the funny hat of holding! Are you tired of your players putting bodies or other large objects in a bag of holding, or other shenanigans resulting in large explosions? I present to you, the funny hat of holding! This magic item is a funny hat that you can give to a player or NPC that acts as a bag of holding! Any item that fits into a hat will fit, but larger items and other bags(or hats) of holding can't make it through the opening. Your party can have a fun time designing the hat, like a jester hat, or a bucket hat, or whatever they like! My party thinks it's funny that their serious goblin friend has a pinwheel hat on all the time. In payment, I request one roll of egg bagels.

garett144

Magic item Table lotto numbers. Have the players pick a string of five numbers 1-20 at the beginning of the campaign. Then what happens is every time a player rolls a d20 they jot down that number rolled in a lotto log. It takes no time at all to scrawl down a one to two digit number. Once per campaign If a player ever sequentially completes their lotto numbers with their dice they get to roll for an item on a magic item table

Westheimer

Lovely Tortles, have you ever wanted to give your players sick specialty ammunition like fire or ice arrows, but found it difficult to manage yet another resource pool? Well your prayers have been answered with Ammunition Dice! Just attach a die to your specialty arrow, say a d10, and roll it every time you use a special ammunition. When you hit a 1 (2 works as well), you make the die smaller, like a d6. You keep doing this until you have a d4, and when that rolls a 1, you have a single piece of ammunition left. This will stop cluttering up a character sheet with an oft erased N barbed arrows and X grappling arrows, and leave you with the stable Grappling Arrow (1d8) and Explosive Arrow (1d4). I ask not for your eggs, but validation that I'm also a good DM for implementing this in my home game.

Trans Rights

Lovely Tortles, I bring to you a tried and beloved homebrew that has made my games significantly better: Recalling Knowledge. As a bonus action, a character may roll an Intelligence ability check to identify a foe, using a skill proficency based on the creature's type (nature for fey and beasts, history for Humanoids and Giants, Religion for fiends and undead, Arcana for elementals and constructs, etc). The DC is determined by how rare a creature is: 10 for a common foe like a goblin, 15 for a rare earthly foe like a Bulette, 20 for an otherworldly foe like a Beholder, and DC 25 for unique creatures. If you meet the DC, you learn a basic blurb about the creature, and you may ask one question about the creature's capabilities, plus one question for every 5 points over the DC. This let's me use weirder monsters, and it enables prepping strategies like the Witcher games, since I would also allow a check from traces of the creature, albeit at disadvantage. I ask for just a single, big egg that will hatch something my players will have to identify.

Keegan Luther

Tortles, both kind and wise, Lend me your ears and potentially your eggs. Have you ever rolled to hit an enemy and you hit for a 23 only to roll a 2 for your damage? How disheartening that a big blow can yield so little! Well no longer! I give you the “weak spot” hit! When ever you roll above the AC of an enemy that amount is automatically added to your damage. So if the AC was 15 and you rolled a 17 you automatically add 2 to your damage. Now the logic behind this is that normally this kind of hit wouldn’t be as damaging but you hit their armor in a weak spot and that allowed your hit to be just that much more effective. Tortles, I’m requesting just a baker’s dozen of eggs and the ability to combine the Dakotas into one state since we really don’t need two. What say you?

Cicero the jester

Helloooo large Galapagos tortles can I borrow ¥650

Proopypants

Good afternoon Tortles, beshelléd brethren, thank you for your time. I present a feat that'll have you quick on your feet: Super Mega Evasion. Through rigorous testing, I can confirm my players love this feat. They always ask for this feat. No less than this week it was requested. Tortles, a conundrum, I hate this feat. The wording? "This feats gives Evasion but for all saves. Also the person who has it is really cool" My players crave to add this feat to their nasty little character sheets. My players would marry this feat if they could. My players, in fact, wrote this feat themselves! You will be the most popular DMs around. It breaks my heart to do it, but I will part with this IP at the low low price of zero eggs and my sanity.

E. Filleul

Hello Turtuses *Infomercial voice* Has it ever happened to you ? You are about to make the ability check of a campaign. The one for which your entire character's story arc comes unfold but alas ! You don't have advantage or disadvantage at that moment. You just need to count on your ability score and dice roll ! Introducing Lunar and Solar the poor man's double roll. Each player choses one or the other when rolling their stats When calling for "solar ", it means you want your character to go big or go home : you roll 2 D20 and MUST chose the roll the furthest away from 10. therefore if you roll a 11 and a 20 the 20 wins ! but if the other roll is a nat 1 then you critically fail by overdoing it and jakeing it all up. On the opposite, when calling lunar, your character wants to tread SO carefully and the roll closest to 10 of the two is the roll you go with even if the other is a 19. This new mechanic requires trust between players and dm and can only be used once for an ability check (not during fights) and to avoid metagaming players must call it before the roll. For this idea i am offering 49% of my business for the squishy tortle shells of all your eggs.

Jakey Juice

Good mourning Tortles. I have inplimented this in two campaigns, once to lack luster use. Another to a great and instrumental (if not annoying) repeated use. Turtles I introduce to you, Bugs. These magic little critters can be found upon a dc 20 nature check alongside an orb or other magic receptical to house them. Each bug had a minor effect (+1 to stealth if the bug uses camouflage irl) ect. However whenever the holder takes 10 or more damage from one hit, the bugs roll to see if they die (they can gain hp if they live through enough combats) So in conclusion, little guys that give a little buff and get stronger the more you keep them around.

Philip LaLone

Good afternoon turtles, I bring to you an unoriginal idea with an original name. I present Pineapples. When a player misses a critical roll or attack they can ask to use their pineapple. I flip over a coin and they can rerolled, however I am now able to impose disadvantage against them by flipping the coin back. After the coin is flipped it can be used as a pineapple once more. This allows for your player to reroll that charisma check on that bar maid but get disadvantage in the bar fight that follows. What I'm asking for is no eggs, but if my mechanic is used that you call them pineapples!

Slippery Pete

Greetings Tortles, I come before you with an idea inspired by Tortle Murphy's use of NPCs in the campaign 3 finale: Simplified DM NPCs; We are all fatigued, DMs and PCs alike by the incorporation of important NPCs in combats. We love having them around for the story and the bits, but once the initiative gets rolled the Players just have to wait longer for their turn. My solution: NPCs become simple cards with 2-3 abilities. For balance certain abilities can recharge on a 5-6 on a d6. NPCs can use one ability a round. The NPCs get initiatives but it is the PCs, not the DM that get to decide what they do on their turn. In this scheme, the NPCs still have ACs, HP, and modifiers so they can go down, make saves etc... I am asking for 100 eggs, to be given mostly to Tortle Murphy, as well as one casual short rest shout out to 'Slippery Pete'. Thanks-so-much.

Brad Puskar

wand of boners? gives everybody a boner? I'm sorry

Felix Principe-gillespie

Listen up tortles and get ready to have your shells blown! I’m seeking one raw egg for 23% of our clash mechanic. Inspired by the injustice videogames we’ve added a mechanic to our campaign that has gone down a treat. When an attack exactly matches an opponents AC you enter a clash, your blades meet in the middle and lock (can be flavoured differently naturally), for a moment the battle is stopped, you have a moment to exchange a retort with the villain and then it’s a roll off. If you win the attack lands with an extra D4 of damage, if you lose, the villain deflects the attack and deals a D4 damage. It’s a small addiction that doesn’t come up a huge deal, but when it does it adds a nice flair to battles.

Sam Francis

Greetings torts, nice tank. Im here to pitch a cleaning service. With just 14 moderately trained snails and a hour of that underwater ska music from SpongeBob, your tank will be nearly the same as before. This daily service could be yours for 1.5 eggs a week. Thanks and you're welcome.

Hypomaniac 03

Good day benevolent Tortles, I present the Ring of Trippy Step. This magical ring is used as a reaction and can switch places with a willing creature or perhaps an enemy (a dc set by the wisest of tortles). This would allow for some cool RP moments such as tanking a hit for a low HP ally or switching with them as they are thrown from a cliff, sacrificing yourself in a glorious display. This ring would have 3 charges per day and be recharges upon a long rest. In return, I humbly ask for the stinkiest egg you have. Thank you for your time.

JC

Hello my lovely turtles, I would like to introduce you to an old 3.5 mechanic refurbished for 5e. Have you ever wanted to do that sick multiclass of a fighter and a wizard but just couldn't make it work without falling behind? Have you always wanted to try an unconventional multiclass of a ranger and artificer but didn't want to sacrifice getting an extra attack until after level 6 or above. Introducing, Gestalt leveling. Gestalt is a version of DND where your character has two classes. When you are level 1, you choose two classes and you become level 1 in both those classes. As you level up, both of these classes level up at the same time, meaning at level 10, you'd be a level 10 warlock, level 10 paladin for instance. You only take the starting proficiencies or one class and the hitdie of one class. I've field tested it and what I can say is that it does make balancing encounters slightly more difficult, however my players absolutely love making these broken builds combining classes that they never would have thought of doing before. All I'm asking for is one of your shiniest eggs.

Llorentia

Wise Tortles, I know that you have felt the pain of rolling a Nat 20 on the only roll (arguably) where it does not matter: initiative. I humbly propose that a crit on initiative allows a player to perform an action from a list curated by the DM before initiative starts. These could be a free dash, help action, imbibing a potion, and even extend to class features such as raging. But no casting of spells or attacking. I give this idea freely, though any eggs given would be raised as if they were my own, thank you.

Riley

Greetings, noble turts, I come to your tank today with a system to make non-lethal damage more realistic. As it stands, any damage done can be labeled as “non-lethal” by the player and will simply knock their enemy out if it reduces them to zero HP. Please tell me how a fireball can be non-lethal. Or a barbarian’s reckless attack (it’s reckless!). I propose that non-lethal can only be done with melee attacks and even then, the player must roll 1d4. On a 1, despite their efforts to hold back, they have accidentally slain their opponent. Battles are messy. This die improves as they level up, going from a d4 to a d6 and so on as the character gets better control over their weaponry. Some characters, like monks, are already so skilled at controlling themselves that they gain advantage on their non-lethal roll while others, such as barbarians, have disadvantage when using reckless attack. In exchange for this system I ask for all of Jake’s eggs. Fork em over, Jake.

Cody Doiron

Hey Tortles, have you ever had a classic dump stat? Rolled an 8 during stat generation and thought, I probably won't use Charisma that much right? Have you ever been Caldwell and rolled so poorly for Zerk's stats that Murph just let you reroll because you would have been so bad? I bring you simply, stat level ups. Each lvl up, the Player can increase an ability score by 1, but it can't be their highest or tied for highest stat. Increasing a stat every 4 levels or so just never feels like enough and wouldn't we all rather take a feat instead? I am asking for 1% of an egg per stat level up used for a 69% stake in the company.

RedPaladin44

Howdy Tortles! (And Jakey the Snakey, who also has eggs I may be interested in) I would like to pitch a mechanic/feat that often use to enable my players the ability to heal without a healer (Inspired by the genius Murphy) It's called a Healing Surge - players may use up to 2 of their hit die + CON to heal either themselves or another player within 5ft. of them. I request as many eggs as possible. All of Murphs eggs must have angry eyes drawn on them, Emily's eggs must have an original song with one musical note per egg, and Caldwell's must have an original art piece on each egg. Thank you for the consideration, RedPaladin.

EN1GMA

Good tide-ings, Tortles! Have you ever wanted to bump up your divine intervention, or increase your connection between deity and follower? Well, I present you with the Vassal State. Whenever a follower follows a deity, they can be chosen as one of their “vassals” who are able to embody the divine power instead of wield minor samples of this. Working with the GM, the player would receive a monster sheet of a new super-powered being that they are able to ascend to for a short period of time. You want to kame-hame-ha Tiamat’s closest follower? Fuck yeah. Just tack on a breath weapon that does radiant damage. Boom! The stats can be as strong as the GM will allow their players to be. However, this power comes with downsides. Any follower that has this power is not able to hide from other vassals. Also, the damage from vassals is extra effective against each other and deities. That means you’re now extra vulnerable to this divine power. What I ask in return of this power, is one set of dice that has been blessed by the moon goddess herself. And maybe an egg or two.

Mike

Picture this: Your level two wizard has 7 hp. A goblin boss crits and does 14 damage, insta-killing your wizard. Tortles, I would like to propose a change to this anticlimactic and boring rule. when an attack brings you below negative your max hp, instead of dying, you roll all your death saves at once. This keeps the possibility of death while providing tension and leaving your fate to Dice Christ. I only ask for one egg so it may hatch and i could raise a baby tortle as my own.

Sproutthetree

Hello tortles, I'm very excited to be able to submit an item for the first time ever! So what I'm presenting today is my favorite homebrew item that I was ever given. The Quill of Dickening. This is a magic quill that can draw perfectly anything that you've seen before in fine detail but there's a catch. This quill ALWAYS has to draw a dick pick in whatever it draws no matter what. This is great for those who just want to journal an have art to go with it or even making pictures to show people who they're looking for. Tortles all I'm asking for is one of your nice shiny stones that's been smooth from being in the water. Feel free to make any adjustments you see fit an thank you all very much for your time.

McNugz

Hello Torts! Today, i’m pitching my path of the undead barbarian subclass. It’s a homebrew I made for a specific character, but i want to show it off like a kindergartener’s drawing. Starting at level 3, whenever you rage you count as undead for things like divine sense, gain resistance to necrotic damage, no longer need to breath, and you take on the appearance of a decaying body :). At level 6, your rage also brings you 1d12+your level in temp HP. At level 10, you get a one-a-day Speak with Dead. And at 14th, your rage gives temp HP, advantage on Con saves, and resistance to necrotic damage to 6 of your friends and/or allies. There are a few rough edges and so i’m only asking for 3% of an egg, thank you tortles.

James Burnett

Hello Tortles, I offer you less of a homebrew and more of a reframing of an existing rule to help the narrative of games and make the players feel more heroic that I have implemented in my games to good effect. Instead of Critical Successes and Critical Failures I have renamed them Extraordinary Effort and Tragic Circumstances. For the successes, it reframes it that the player didn’t just get lucky but put more effort into the task. For failures, it is less that the player messed up but that circumstances outside of their control interfered. For example, a player rolled a 1 on a diplomacy check for a NPC I specifically put in there to be sympathetic to their character. Instead of stating “Crit failure” and leaving it at that, the Tragic Circumstance was that this NPC now was incredibly distrusting and had been manipulated in the past by the player's line of questioning so shut down. It came off as less of the PC putting their foot in their mouth and more of unknowingly touching a sore spot of the NPC. In exchange for this I would like 1 fertilized egg to hatch and raise. Thank you for your time.

Mason McCauley

I’m not going to waste your time here Tortles, we need better Lycanthropes! Have you ever wanted to send your players off to hunt down a werewolf pack, only to realize that they need silvered weapons to deal normal damage? Yes, normal damage. Weapons made from standard materials will deal half damage to were-creatures. To add insult to injury, magic weapons also deal normal damage. So, let me ask you, what is the point of buying silvered weapons? Why live out your Two-Sword-Geralt fantasies, when your +1 sword is already good enough? Well, allow me to introduce my homebrew rule: Silver Sickness. By simply adding this to the statblock of werewolves, any hit with a silvered weapon will count as a crit and deal that sweet extra damage! Now, your players will have a reason to seek out or forge silver weapons. This is great for adding new side quests and spicing up combat! It has also been field tested in my Bloodborne-inspired gothic city setting to great results! Well Tortles? What do you say to a 47% (the atomic number for silver) stake in my homebrew? All I ask in return is one egg with a silver shell.

Cas Marie

Hello tortles, I have a pitch for a magic item for ya. Tired of your experienced players knowing monster stat blocks, but that knowledge doesn’t make sense in-game? Or, are your new players just not grasping that the fire elemental is resistant to fire damage? Let me introduce Lady Boterbean’s Bestiary. Out of combat, this magical tome has information on any monster your party may face, at the dms discretion of course. Potentially giving your players an edge if they know they are facing a certain monster. Or in combat, a player can take a full turn (action, bonus action, and movement) to look up the creature in the bestiary and learn the monsters damage resistances/immunities/vulnerabilities and the creatures highest and lowest stat. For this artifact of lost knowledge I humbly request your most monstrous egg. May your tank water be filtered and your eggs continually moist.

Chandler Rice

Hi there Centaurs! I come to you all today with an amazing product that will knock your hooves off. I present: The AI DM! Now hear me out, I know how controversial this topic can be, but what if you are in a session with your group and something wildly unexpected happens? As a newer dm, you don't know how to pivot on a dime and come up with something good to keep the session going without taking a beat; this is the perfect opportunity for the AI DM to come into play and on the spot, create the perfect story beat to get you out of a tight spot when your players outsmart you. For this product I ask for at least 4 eggs with a 22% stake in the company, no more no less. Thank you tortle-taurs and I hope you take this product into consideration.

Sammy

Greetings Tortles! Has this ever happened to you? You're DM'ing a game for your family, none of whom have ever played before. Your mom decides to be a druid (the only caster in the party). She simply cannot understand how to stock her spells correctly, so she spends whole sessions hitting stuff with her staff instead of trying to understand her spells. This bums you out, because you know she would have so much fun with spells if only that pesky stocking restriction wasn't confusing her so much. Introducing: Moms Get Spells! This rule is simple: your mom does not have to stock her spells; instead she has a pile of spell cards of the appropriate class and levels. Does this mean that sometimes she spends a long time digging through her cards to see what spell would be best? Yes, but it also means she actually uses her spells instead of resigning herself to melee attacks exclusively! As Tortles who understand the necessity of stocking spells for normal D&D play, you might be tempted to toss this rule aside. But, Tortles, think of your poor, confused mothers who just want to cast some fun spells. Can you spare an egg or two for them?

Olaf Dies in Frozen 2

Hi Torts and merfolk alike! I have developed a system for those that sometimes struggle with wanting to share details about their character or don't have much or any background written down. Before the recap begins to send us into the mood, each player can elect to share a funny or random detail about their character that could be of use in later sessions for exchange for inspiration or even nothing. ie. My fighter cannot tie their shoes. They always had their squire tie them, so they never actually learned. It allows for more interactions with characters/DM that wouldn't happen if it wasn't said. I ask for 40% of the idea for 2 eggs to be delivered to Sal and Glorious Wavemother Akorilil's wedding.

OrlaTheOrator

My dear Tortels, I present to you the answer to the problem of horny bards: consequences! I had a veteran player want to play the classic horny bard, seducing anyone he came across so I told him there would be consequences. Whenever he successfully bedded an npc we would both roll a d20. If we rolled the same number and it was possible the npc would fall pregnant. If we rolled opposite numbers so a 1 and a 20, a 2 and a 19 etc. They contracted and an STC, a sexually transmitted curse. The lower they roll the worse the curse. This player has 3 children they are unaware of and the party are trying to find them a great healer to cure his sexual transmitted lycanthropy. I need no eggs I simply wish that other DMs have the opportunity to punish their horny players

Hollow Dylan

Holy Tortles (and I can't remember if you neg Jake or not in this one but if so: the talentless warmskin) I bring to you humbly on my knees both a pitch and a plea: Is there any possible way to make a constitution based caster class in DnD? I have long struggled with the balance of primary stat classes in 5e and it's over representation of Charisma. The struggle with making constitution the primary casting stat is you end up default with a large HP pool which it typically antithetical to the vibes of a magic caster. So how do you mitigate it? My assumption is you would need to use that HP as a resource, but is there a way to do that without becoming an edgy blood based self flagellating try hard? My pitch is the class to be an Artist where the caster spends their health inorder to power up their artistic creations. Subclasses could be different disciplines: painter, sculpture, maybe mask maker etc. Thematically they would literally put themselves into their art. I have no idea if this would be balanced and am willing to forego any eggs-vestment on your part in this specific pitch as long as we end up with a Constitution based class in some shape or form. Thank your for your Tortle Time, and your Tortle thoughts.

Austin Miglin

Tortles, have I got a deal for you! I'm seeking a 420 eggs in exchange for 69% of my homebrew. Let's face it. The modern ruleset just ISN'T fair to casters! If I'm a martial class swinging against someone's AC, all I have to do is match their AC with my attack and I get to do that sweet, sweet damage. And not only that, but martial classes get multiple bites at that apple because after level 5, they get multiple attacks! If I'm a caster, I pick a spell to cast, they get to roll against my DC, and if they match my DC - poof, nothing, or at best half damage. There has to be a better way! Right now, the rulebook dictates that ties go to the person that is rolling - even the DM! I propose only a minor change to the rules, a change that most people at the table can get behind. Why not just make ties always go to the players? Nothing is better than seeing a tie and jumping up in excitement that you juuust squeezed by. Let's work together and stop the players' inevitable disappointment. Ties should go to the players!!

ant the knee

Tortles and Turtoises, behold: the Legendary Insistence. The dice tell their story, this we know. And yet, there are pivotal moments in a characters life that they need a little more oomph. The dice may only reap the tale that the player sows. And so, i offer up a single moment for every player in the campaign. Their hero time. A legendary insistence, that is simply the last bit of energy any player has. A hail mary, a get out of jail free card, simply once per campaign. For two levels of exhaustion, and again just once in the campaign, a player may use this to do one of the following - An auto-crit, max damage on an attack - Make the opponent auto-fail a check/counter their legendary resistance - Cast a spell from a used slot - Have an additional bonus turn in a round of combat. i ask for a dozen and one eggs, either from tortle jake or stolen from tortle jake. thank you.

ChefJustinLane

Hello venerable tortles and assistant to the executive assistant Jake. Do you hate seeing that nat20 come up on initiative? It's such a waste, right? Wasting all your good luck to go first in initiative, which is only one of the most important keys to a good start in combat, can be so frustrating. Well, here's a solution! Introducing my product, "stop crying! Going first rules!" With this revolutionary technology, you'll be able to act right around the top of the order and get off some big spells or attacks before the BBEG has a chance to do anything! I am requesting a dozen deviled eggs, and a custom homebrew beer pairing from Mack, son of Mumford, in exchange for a 50% partnership. PS: this one is for you, Murph.

Muqtadaa Miandara

Listen we're all business women, right? Tortles for your business women eggs I present to you the Arcane Refinery! Are your Players obsessed with magical loot? Are your Players collecting too many cursed items? Are your Players inexplicably hauling around divine hearts, lich phylacteries, infernal relics, etc etc, all without being hunted constantly by the associated factions in your world? Maintain the internal consistency of your setting! Introduce an arcane refinery! Run by an eclectic absent-minded arcane researcher and their bubbly yet mildly sinister assistant, the refinery is a facility where your players go to have their magical items uncursed, restored, repaired, and revamped. Did you give a player a ring of True Strike they never use? Does your wizard forget that she has a Staff of Snakes because she's fully 12th level and could not need it less? Guide your players to the refinery where they can have their items reforged! The way I run this in my games is at certain points in the game (major milestones at a higher level usually) I provide an opportunity for players to encounter the Refinery. Mechanically the Refinery can just exchange gold for items directly, or it can be used to destroy curses while preserving enchantments, or it can be used to remake magic items into something more suited to the character. It becomes a narrative means of letting the player tell you how they wanna spec their character. It also gives you reason to nerf their request if their level 10 ass asks for the Holy Avenger Greatsword (they get a damn good Greatsword but it ain't the real deal, this is just a refinery after all). Also staffing the Refinery and making it part of the magical ecosystem are great plot hooks, like who works there and why, and how does the refinery interact with the magic of the city it's in, or the local environment, etc. Business women if you're willing to thaw your eggs for this Arcane Refinery we can get a facility in production with an adorkable intern (oppa New Girl style), a himbo receptionist a la Chris Hemsworth in Ghost Busters, a bubbly but intense genius assistant with a chip on her shoulder, and a sarcastic obsessive quirky genius in the style of any USA procedural detective show (like Monk, Psych, Burn Notice I think? Did anyone watch that? I only ever saw ads for it, I never saw it airing). For only a few eggs per staff member we can get a full USA Characters Welcome criminal of the week procedural going, and for a few more, we can add an overarching plot that ties into the main character's backstory (presumably a dead wife or husband, or maybe a missing child or something really gripping like that). Did this suddenly turn into a network pitch for a pilot? Maybe. Does that make me the best business woman? My genitals would say no, though why they're speaking is beyond me. But our eggs in this tank? They would say yes, though again the talking eggs are somewhat concerning. Thank you for your time Tortles of the Tank.

Ryan A

Hello fair and wealthy tortles, I bring a simple piece of homebrew that my players have enjoyed and has brought some great roleplay into our campaign. I've DM'd for years and noticed two problems: feats are criminally underused and a character's worst stat can't dip below 8 RAW. But being bad at stuff is fun! So, I give the option to my players during character creation to drop their lowest ability score to a 6(-2) in exchange for a feat. This gives players incentive to relish in their character's shortcomings and has been very successful so far. In exchange for this idea, I would like a single egg to raise as a hermit crab. They might be confused at first but I believe they'll learn. Thank you for your time.

Proopypants
>>161176571

This is too cute I love it lol I might add it to my own homebrew 😌

Elle McCaughrean

Greetings Torts, picture this with me: You set off onto a quest with your beloved family blade, passed down for generations, and vow to slay a great evil with it. But then you find a +1 sword in a dungeon and you kinda have to switch to that for the mechanical bump. This familiar situation plagues many campaigns. My solution? Personalized magic item for each pc that gets better as they level. Be it a weapon, armor, shield, or spellcasting focus, they'll have it from the beginning, gaining new abilities as they go on. And it'll count as a +x magic item with x being half their proficiency rounded down. (+1 from levels 1-8, +2 from 9-16, +3 from 17-20) So now you can keep that sword, shield, or orb with you the whole way through.

Laurawr

Hey Torts, I present to you the item that is soon to be all the rage across the realms. THE JAR OF BEES! It's exactly what it sounds like. Throw it at your enemies. If it hits the jar breaks and the bees to do 10 D6 piercing damage to the intended target every round until they are killed. The bees are relentless and immune to piercing and slashing damage, because its a goddamn swarm of bugs good luck stabbing that effectively. Now, upon a MISS the glass jar still breaks releasing the bees, but instead of attacking the intended target, they attack a random creature on the field (friend and foe alike, no one is safe from the bees). I recommend using a random dice roll to decide who the bees go after, but have fun with it DMs. The jar of bees can be yours for just one weird wet omelette from Caldwell

Harrison March

At your scaly feet I lay the "Anagrammer's Spectacles". This many-lensed pair of artificer's goggles allows the wearer to rearrange the letters in a spell's name once per day in order to change its effect (within reason). For example, Healing Word could become Healing Drow, which adds an extra 1d4 of HP but can only be cast on a follower of Lolth. Or Fireball could become Brail Elf, summoning an agreeable fellow who adds Blindsense to the party. Recognizing that this is essentially a lazy re-skin of the Ring of the Grammarian, and therefore in order to avoid legal action, I require none of your eggs to take this hot item off my hands. Maybe if you could just name this episode "Rotten Talk", which is an anagram of Tortle Tank. Thank you.

Jake Punch

Hey Tortles. Who's the ideal action hero? The one that every person wants to embody? Jesus Christ, it's Jason Borne! The badass amnesiac with a conspiracy backstory is a very common RP fantasy. But a player wants surprises in that kind of story. And a DM doesn't want to create an entire backstory for a player. Why not let the dice decide your past? Introducing the "Polyglot?" Starting feat. A character with amnesia may be a "Polyglot?". Meaning they roll a DC 12-16 Intelligence check upon hearing a new language for the first time. If you pass, you speak that language. Why would an Elf not speak Elvish, but know Halfling and Infernal? Who is he? Where has he been? I'm offering this idea to you Tortles in exchange for helping me figure out who I am, and why Im haunted by visions of memories I don't fully understand. Thank you.

Cole Ludwig

Dearest Tortles, has rolling the same old one D20 gotten a bit bland to you? What if you could give your rolls a little more zing with more dice?! I present to you, Spicy Dice! As a reward for flavorful gameplay, your DM may reward you with various packets of dice to use to replace a single D20 roll, such as the following varieties: Nutmeg: 2d10s and 1d4 Rock salt: 2d12s Peppercorns: 6d4s Garlic: 3d8s These are just some of the combinations possible! You may notice some of these add up to more than 20, in which case any roll over 20 will count as a crit! And any roll of all 1s is always a crit fail! I hope you're ready for some tasty rolls with Spicy Dice! I'm offering a 43% stake for a pittance of eggs and a low mileage Honda Fit.

Selacha

Distinguished Tortles, I ask a simple question: are you tired of fighting with other players about encumbrance, carry weight and overall inventory management? Well I have the solution for you! My company, Interplanar Storage Solutions, employs a cabal of powerful warlocks who monitor the multiverse for upcoming adventuring groups, and upon finding them, offer our very own handmade Bags of Holding! No more arguing whether or not you have room for that fourth set of plate mail! Do you have more arrows in your bag? Probably! How can a Gnome carry around a pile of gold larger than she is? In an ISS Bag of Holding! No longer will any adventure be bogged down by that one party member who insists on counting the weight of every last copper piece. My company is willing to contract with your corner of the multiverse to provide free Bags of Holding to all new parties for a mere 666 eggs, and full rights to any unclaimed souls to feed our demonic patron, whose hunger is infinite! (In pure mechanical terms, once a party completes their first milestone, each player gets a free Bag of Holding. It's similar to how some DMs include BoH in starting gear, but gives it some fun additional flavor to do it this way. )

Vincent W

Consider ye mighty tortles, a new background that means talking to yourself is no longer the preserve of DMs. Imagine - you are a magic user, perhaps a sorcerer who has been destroyed and addled by the wild magic coursing through them, a warlock cursed by their patron, or a wizard who found the key to eternal life but has paid a terrible price. Either way this magical burden has made you a weedy little molerat of a character who posessess awesome magical power contained within a frail little child body - think mavid but 10x as smart and 10x as pathetic. To go about your business you are carried around in a cage by a henchman - maybe a mercenary doing it for the coin, an acolyte who wants to serve you, or, my favourite, a really normal guy who is along for the ride and doesn't really pay much attention to what's going on. As the PC you would roleplay both of these, getting to play out their dynamic while your frailness ensures there's no stat-based fuckery. The only caveat is that when you are making death saves you can make medicine checks on yourself with disadvantage to try and huck a potion into your henchman's mouth from your cage, or resuscitate your shrivelled little prawn of a caster, whatever floats your boat.. I think this would be fun, and particularly useful for people desperate to play a chaotic neutral PC who are frankly too encouraged to be edgelords by being a rogue or a warlock, and could stand to be taken down a peg or two by being a weedy little guy.

Dean Garcia

Hello Tortles I present a unique opportunity of cross TTRPG synergy taking the hero point from the Mutants and Masterminds game into DnD players gain these points simply by doing something the GM enjoys or by the GM stating an event happens without the player interfering (for story purposes only) ie villian capturing NPC or roof collapsing and meny more With these points players can do meny things from editing a scene adding something for crucial moments to fainting hints from the GM themselves The players start with one and may gain more reseting for every session I only ask for 3000 eggs and a shout out to my dog Big Daddy for 30% of the company thank you

Valens

Good day, Tortles. I bring to you today... Chaos. I expect no investors in my product, but instead stand before you simply to have my voice heard by my fellow DMs that want revenge. Revenge for the shenanigans and buffoonery our PCs have put us through. But now it is our time. What I propose is a 10% chance than any inanimate object is a mimic. Not a fully stated out mimic, simply a small annoyance that will deal a single piercing damage as it bites your PCs and runs away. Will you as the DM be rolling constantly to see if an object is a mimic? Yes. Will your PCs immediately get tired of this? Also yes. But do you care? Maybe. If any of the Tortles wishes to buy into my pitch, all I ask is for a single egg that has a 10% chance of being a mimic. If there are no investors, then I simply hope my words have caused a table of PCs somewhere to sigh in frustration as they are once again bit by a mimic. Thank you for your time.

Matt Hester

Good Morning tortles, turtles, and tortoises. I have a rule at my table called the epic moment. Each player is given a one time free level up that fills their health and spell slots. The only caveat is it can only be used once per campaign and the PC must be in a lethal situation (low health, stronger enemy, and at least one party member down) this has led to some great RP moments. I present this offer for but one egg a year.

Sophie Buijsen

Good Afternoon Tortles, I am honoured to pitch to you today: Feeling less alone during death saves. For the past few years my party has been using a tarot deck (major arcana cards only) to replace dead saves. Because we play with 5 players, rounds of combat can be pretty long, and rolling death saves can mean not getting to do much for extended periods of time. Plus, knowing above table that people are unlikely to die on the first round, the other PCs would not hustle to bring people back up. So instead we introduced the tarot deck. A downed player pulls a tarot card at the first round they would make a death save. There is 1 perma-death card in there (death, obviously), the rest usually provide interesting effects on the game that impact others. All of the effects are based on the card's theme. Some examples: The Lovers: This counts as 1 death save fail and an active member of the battle is chosen at random and moved up to 30 ft closer to you. Temperance: The whole party's HP is averaged out, meaning some will heal a bit, some will lose HP, and the downed player is back up. Judgment: The other players at the table roll for your death save and an average is taken. 10 or under is a fail, 11 or over they stabilise. This means there is more pressure for players to bring downed players back up, and even if not, the effect often means downed players get to take turns, even if there is still need for them to be healed. I don't think the original system of death saves is bad or redundant, but this system does make the process of being downed a little less lonely. I ask for the wettest egg for every clutch laid on a Wednesday for the next 6 months in return for free tarot readings and 30% of any profit gained from not dying in-game (small print: I do not know how to do tarot readings)

An_Armed_Bear

Hello Tortles, my pitch for you today is the Dragon Dice Pool, a dragon's breath for the modern age. Rather than an all-or-nothing super move that relies on randomness to get back, dragons can instead have a pool of damage dice for their breath weapon they can spend as much or as little of as they want when they use it. And rather than needing to roll a 5 or 6 on a d6 to recharge, the dragon would instead automatically recharge 1/3 of its pool at the start of each turn. This would both allow dragons to be more consistent, and let you give them more personality. Imagine a cruel, crafty dragon that likes to toy with its enemies by spending very few dice, but then goes full power when it loses its temper. Or an impulsive, hotheaded dragon that spends all of its dice immediately but has to wait a few turns to get everything back. I ask for one dragon tortle egg for this idea.

Court Davies

Good day Tortles! For the dedicated artisan in any party, isn't it a shame that you don't have access to a workshop while on the road? Don't you wish that during your many days of travel, you could still work on your tinkering, smithing, or woodworking projects? Well Tortles, I have the perfect homebrew magic item for you! I present to you, a Magical Key to the Whisk-Away Workshop! By using an action to place this golden key upon a flat surface for 1 minute, a magical door manifests. Stepping through this door takes you to a demiplanar workshop, fully loaded with all the tools you need for your crafting needs! Then, upon leaving the workshop, the door disappears! Use this handy space for working, storage, or even a prison if your needs are more nefarious! I'm offering 10% ownership of the Whisk-Away Workshop for only a dozen eggs, since I'm planning on doing some baking this weekend.

Philip Meade

Hail and well-met, Tortles I bring a homebrew rule for measuring distances in aerial combats for your consideration. Aerial battles often give us a headache because of physical limitations at the table, and lack of game tools to help. We usually only have the vertical and horizontal distances between creatures to measure distance, and nobody likes taking out a calculator to figure out the real distance. My rules are: When you measure distance for downward movement or weapon attacks aimed at targets below your character, you only use the larger of the lateral or vertical distances to your target or destination. So if the target is on the ground 60 feet down from you and 30 feet over, the range for your attack is just 60 feet. If you are moving or firing upwards, you add the two distances together. So if the target of your longbow attack is 100 feet up, and 60 feet over, the range for your attack is 160. I think these rules help air combat feel more tactical, since height advantages become relevant for movement and attack, while making the math of distance measurement easy. I’m asking for 40 eggs and a modest 5% stake in Jake’s soul.

Justme

Tortles, what’s the worst part of rolling a D20? Going to the dice gods for guidance on how to solve a role play scenario, rolling a 10, and being stuck trying to figure out if a 10 is a good thing or a bad thing. Is it closer to a 20 or a 1? Rolling a 10 is confusing and unsatisfying but what if it became as exciting as rolling a 1 or a 20? My idea is that anytime you role a 10 you can choose to flip a coin (or a CD) and gamble in an attempt to get a heads (nat 20) or a tails (nat1). Today I’m looking to sell all my shares in my company for a monthly royalties egg payout every time my idea is used. Thank you for your time.

Thorbjorn

Hello turts I have come to you with the demension dash. If you have the slot and spell prepared you can cast dimension door as a bonus action at great cost. To use this you must roll a d4 4-full distance 3-3/4 distance and so on then you roll two luck checks 1-15 is random direction on the first roll and straight luck on the second determining if you teleport along the ground or into the air. Thank you.

Fredrik V

Noble Tartles, and their little podling Jank. Have you ever wanted to play an RPG where the stakes are much much lower, and because they're almost Jank-levels of low it feels higher? I love fringe RPGs and I love workplace sitcoms, but I have never found a game that let's me fully emulate that, while also giving me the freedom to set the game in any setting I want! I am writing an RPG where hijinks and stupid jokes and drama is the endgoal. The players would instead of classes play archetypes, such as the Sad Sack, the Naive, the Egoist, etc., based on characters that appear in every god damned sitcom. The game can be set in a paper company office, in a bar, on the lower decks of a space ship, in a haunted house, the possibilities are endless. To develop this idea, I just need 5 eggs and for Emily to say that it sounds fun. I just need encouragement to keep working on it. Please say I'm a good boy

Spencer

Hey there CenTorts, As we all know, the market for resurrection rules is highly competitive, but I would like to pitch one with the capacity to dominate the market on three principles: maintaining the stakes of death, respecting the existing rules, and avoiding excess time and bloated complexity. My solution’s elegance is matched only by its simplicity: whenever a character dies and is resurrected by any means, they must pass a single straight d20 check with a DC equal to the number of times they’ve been resurrected in the past, starting at 0. If they fail, they’re dead for good. The first time is free, keeping stakes low early in the campaign, but this escalates in longer, grindier campaigns, and rewards players who can avoid dying more often than others, but doesn’t keep them out of the woods entirely. This also caps out the maximum number of revivals of any character to 20, which fixes the problems of “broken” resurrection spells such as Clone and True Resurrection. In return for a share in this concept, I wish for nothing more than an egg large enough to contain a single human man, no questions asked.

Sean Boyle

Hello Tortles. may your Moxie reign eternal and your shells remain shiny and waxed. I'm here to present to you the something I like to call the Beacon Of Concentration: appearing as a small brass lantern, this uncommon item has 6hp and 15 ac, it holds within it 3 charges that reset at dawn. While the bearer is attuned to the Beacon they may expend a charge when casting a spell that requires Concentration lighting the beacon and allowing it to concentrate on the spell instead of the caster allowing for the caster to have asecond concentration spell active simultaneously. The spell remains active until the beacon is put out which the caster may do at any time. A creature within 5ft of the bearer may make a DC 13 dexterity check to attempt to snuff out the beacon. Only 1 charge may be used at a time and the beacon can only have 1 spell anchored to it at any given time. I'm asking for 400 eggs, a 9 peices of dried coral, 45 real American dollars, and 62 rubles for 15% of my company. And I'm open to reasonable modifications.

Ben

WUSSUP TANK TORTS I approach you today within this tank to present to you: Conditional Death! I have it as a rule at My tables that death, outside of story-heavy combat, isn't really an option. Instead of death, when a PC reaches 0HP, they roll on a severe wounds table, and suffer long-term effects that might result in them having to roll a new character while their 'main' character heals. This table includes anything from dismemberment, to paralysis, to permanent character effects like blindness, or deafness, to smaller things like permanent scars or a limp, to things like long-term (but not permanent) ability-score decreasing. I feel this gives some measure of risk while also making it so that a character you're heavily invested in doesn't die because they were ambushed by, say, 11 raptors in a random encounter. I'll take.. ahm.. an egg each to raise as my own and to lead into story-heavy combat, possibly risking our lives.

Thomas Johansen

To the esteemed Tortles and the aquarium-cleaner-turned-male-gigolo, Jeuce: I write to you today to pitch a new monetary system for futuristic campaigns that will revolutionize your play, democratizing the purchasing experience with its decentralized, completely anonymous, liberating and...ok, its crypto currency, I'm pitching a crypto mechanic for campaigns set in the future. Have you not had enough of insufferable crypto bros in your daily life? Well now you can have them in your escapist fantasies too! The mechanic works as follows: players use their standard currency to purchase credits (named after your favourite shitcoin, I named mine Traincoin as my campaign took place in a Snowpiercer-style society), but unlike the tried and true gold standard, these credits are highly volatile. At the start of each day (or session, or hell, by the hour) you roll a d20 to determine how the value of your credits have changed. A 1-10 sees a decrease from 1-20%, and an 11-20 sees an increase by the same amount. I'll be honest, my players haven't interacted with this mechanic at all, but I still think it's a cool enough idea to table for tortles with no playtesting. I'm asking for 1 million canned eggs for 15% of my company (this percent being subject to volatile change on a day to day basis).

Gwen Gilpin

My dear dry, scaly Tortles, I present to you the Five-Minute Goblin rule. Have you ever DM'ed a campaign where your players are chronically late? With the Five-Minute Goblin rule, you can now make them face the consequences of their tardiness. For every five minutes a player is late, simply add one goblin, skeleton, or other low-level monster that fits your campaign to the first battle of the session. The monster/monsters comes in at the end of the battle, so just as the players are preparing to heal themselves up and move on, UH-OH, here come three bullywugs with rusty swords to attack them! After a few instances of this, your Tardy Trisses are sure to become Punctual Paetinas! For this very okay idea, I ask only for somewhere between one and two of your precious eggs and maybe a nice card on my birthday.

Will Scott-Hartley

Esteemed Tortles. Let me preface this by professing my love of dump stats, not for the min maxing but for the potential for being terrible at stuff. What a character can't/won't do at is as defining at what they are good at, and flaws should be celebrated. Ability scores are a clumsy way of defining such things, and you must also tire of the Sorcerers who can always lie pretty well, and the Clerics who are bizarrely good at navigation. I propose: un-proficiency. At character creation / session zero, PCs may gain proficiency in one* additional skill, in exchange for a penalty on one* skill (which they are not proficient in) equal to half their proficiency bonus rounded down. PB un-proficiency penalty +2 -1 +3 -2 +4 -2 +5 -2 +6 -3 The choice of both skills need not be connected, but narrative justification should be always required (eg a wizard who's study of Arcana is obsessive to the detriment of memory retention = a penalty to History checks). I value your input on the balance of proficiencies/unproficiencies, permitting more than one instance/(un)expertise, and means to remove penalties later in campaign. I'm looking for a meagre investment of a number of eggs equal to my intelligence modifier (awkward pause…), in exchange for 20% of profits, (which I would consider waiving in favour of +2 to Animal Handling, when trying to persuade my cats to do anything).

Philip Meade

Ahoy great turtles, I have a homebrew spell for your consideration. I present “intrusive words” 3rd level Enchantment Casting time: 1 Action Duration: 1 minute (concentration) Components: S,M (a sock) Range: 90 feet You attempt to control the mouth of a humanoid in range. The target must make a Charisma saving throw. On a failure, you gain control of their speech and can force them to say up to 15 words. You control the volume, tone, and inflection of these words as though you were saying them yourself. On subsequent turns, you can use your bonus action to force them to speak another 15 words. If the target tries to speak (including the verbal component of a spell), they must make a Charisma saving throw against your spell saving throw DC first. On a success, they can speak normally until the end of their turn. Otherwise, creatures can’t speak while affected by this spell. Creatures that are immune to the charmed condition are not affected by this spell. Each time the target takes damage, they can repeat their saving throw, ending the spell on a success. I am asking for 3 eggs in sock costumes and one egg signed by Jake, signing as “Eggwon Sure-egg”

James Leese

To the egg holders and their egg in the making Jane. I have a simple and easy rule I use in every game I DM. If a PC goes down to 0 HP and is healed to bring them back up they receive a point of exhaustion. I feel if you're on the brink of death and get healed you're going to ache and hurt and it stops the level 1 healing word spam to keep a pc in the fight as you have a limit on the amount of times you can get back up. I'm looking for 1 egg for this simple rule.

Huascar Holguin

Hello Beautiful Tortles of the Tank, may I say your shells are looking particularly waxed today. That all money diet is working wonders for your scaly complexions. Your yuncle is shows up to Thanksgiving dinner in an impeccable Grinch costume… oh wait… wrong presentation *shuffles notecards* I bring to the tank a social contract for tables across the world called the “The Was Weird, Right?” contract. This would be a signed agreement for DMs and players at session zero that comes with a coin for each player. I’ve noticed from DnD Court that a lot of awesome campaigns seem to be ruined by a short bizarre interaction that is hard to recover from. It’s a shame for everyone’s emotional investment and hard work to go to waste because one person was afraid of losing their girlfriend to a bird NPC. This contract states that the following campaign is a fictional game, done for the enjoyment of all at the table. That everyone agrees to leave personal grievances at the door when they set up their dices at the start of each session. And that if anything weird does happen, everyone will work together to come up with a solution in order to save the overall campaign. Each player and DM plays with a coin in front of them. If something weird happens that would cause enough friction to end the night, the person who notices can flip the coin from heads to tails. If 2 or more people flip the coin, the session takes a brief pause and everyone at the table must describe the intention of their character, intention of them as a real person, and the impact of in the last few moments. An example might be “My intention was allow my PC to explore a fictional romance and I, the human, am not interested in birds or in breaking up in order to peruse birds, however the last few moments make me feel like people are the table think I actually want to explore other romantic options.” The game then rewinds a few minutes backwards so that players and DMs have a second opportunity to play out the scenario with less triggering actions. The coin cannot be flipped for comedic effect and any person thought to be abusing the coin can have it removed for a session. If the session continues to be weird after the first pause, a second pause can be initiated where discussing the game is prohibited and players are encouraged to reconnect as friends / people instead of players. This is not for the weak. It will probably be fairly uncomfortable for everyone to break character and be open about their feelings, especially to the person that feels slighted and creates the weird moment. My hope is that a few minutes of openness and awkwardness is better than the rest of the night being awkward and potentially canceling the campaign. Interested Tortles can have full ownership of the “That Was Weird, Right?” Contract in exchange for an unpaid internship opportunity for me. I’m very good at getting coffee or turtle food, I can change your tank water, and I have a small brush to scratch your shells in those hard to reach places. I love you.

Toe

A SECRET PLACE CALLED MANGIA’s (the spell) Hello my discerning and glistening Tortles. Have you heard of Leomunds Tiny Hut or Mordenkainen’s Private Sanctum? Then get ready for a new spell, learned from the lost tome of the Emilinomicron: A Secret Place Called Mangia’s. A third level ritual spell with a casting time of 10 minutes, a range of 60ft, and a duration of 1 hour. Compoents: a piece of currency given to you by a parent, a plate of spaghetti or a breadstick, at least one person with whom you wish to commiserate The spell creates a 60ft dimly lit dome with the additional effects: * While inside any 2s rolled on hit dice to restore hit points may be re-rolled * While inside, insight checks may be rolled with advantage * Sensors created by divination spells can’t appear inside the protected area or pass through the barrier at its perimeter. * The barrier of the warded area appears to be a brick wall, preventing vision (including darkvision) through it. * Spaghoot If you speak of the nature of Mangia’s or allow to the spell to be copied by one who has not been there, you will be cursed for 1d4 days as if you were under the effects of a bestow curse spell. This spell is available to wizards and bards, and is a domain or pact spell to any cleric, paladins, or warlocks who have sworn fealty and bent knee to Emily Axford. Happy to iron out details of the deal over a plate of gluten-free carbonara.

ChappyThoughts

As a turtle tank full of DMs (and future DMs) you are very much aware of the vicissitudes of the d20. How many battles have been unsatisfactorily ended when the BBEG rolls that third nat 20, or fails at the off with a wonky little one? Wizards will have you believe that convoluted rules like Legendary Saves are necessary but why complicate what's very simple: the DM's d10s. Instead of a d20, the DM rolls 2d10. It makes the rolls of the monsters more balanced so that the player's actions and rolls are the driving factor of the game. This simple idea can be yours for one lifetime supply of your most golden eggs.

NLane

Shello Tortles, your tank and shells are both shinning. I am the DM for a player who is currently playing a little homebrew I cooked up. Presenting a new Sorcerer Origin subclass: the Reliant Relic Sorcerer. This spellcaster's magic stems from a symbiotic relationship with a potent (possibly sentient) magical item that they have been exposed to, either deliberately or incidentally. The items forms a bond with the individual, not always to the host's benefit At Level 1: your spellcasting ability becomes Constitution, as the power must be conquered within yourself to be controlled. The power granted to you is not free, however. The relic's magic can cause physical pain as it energies invade your body. Roll a d20 immediately after you cast a sorcerer spell of 1st level or higher. If you roll a 1-5, you receive damage equal to 2x the spell level used. The relic wants you alive, you can reroll 1 failed death save per Long Rest. At Level 6: Give and Take - You can do each of the following once per short rest as an action: Give: tap into the relics power to regain up to 2 sorcery points, in doing so sacrifice 2d6 of your HP per point recovered. Take: Spend up to 2 sorcery points, heal yourself and up to 3 creatures, within 5 feet, an amount equal to 1d6+your Constitution Modifier per sorcery point spent. This campaign is still in progress and any investment of eggs could be immediately put to work in the game.

Victoria Beck

Hello Tortles and babygirl Jake. Today I bring you a pitch for something that seeks to give an answer to the disappointment of critting in a low-stakes situations and bring a flair of destiny to high stakes ones: The Fate-Bonded Crit If someone rolls a nat 20 in a situation where it is a letdown - like perception checking a tavern - the player can request to swap that crit for the next roll, effectively rolling at disadvantage. Say the player rolls a 9 instead in the low-stakes situation. Then, similar to Inspiration, the player carries that clutch Nat 20. To keep from overuse, the nat 20 can only be swapped for a roll of exactly the same number they rolled for the Fate bond - in this case having to wait for another 9, linking those two moments in time where someone swapped their fate. Similarly for a Nat 1, the DM can offer the devil's bargain of fate bonding it for an escape from disaster in the moment, with the knowledge that the Nat 1 will come back on a future roll to curse the number that once saved them. For a 49% stake in our company, I want a Rumplestiltskin trade on the futures of 10 promising eggs.

straubo

Hello beloved Tortles and baby tadd-lad Giuseppe! Avid, long-time listener, first time caller. And boy, do I have a proposition for you. In the heart of dry January, may I present to you the custom Drunk Mechanic. Have you ever wanted DND to encapsulate the thrill and risk of a night out? Sometimes taking that extra drink will unlock the dashing, suave debonair within. Sometimes, it will push you over the edge, turning you into a sloppy mess. Enter the custom Drunk Mechanic. The core philosophy of the drunk mechanic is this: every wave of drinks can result in a good drunk state, or a bad drunk state. To determine this, the player in question rolls a D20 to determine good or bad (1-10: bad, 11-20: good), and a D4 to determine the +/- value, which modifies ability checks and rolls to hit; the d4 value is added in the case of good, and subtracted in the case of bad. It is important to note that the drunk states are stackable, AND flippable. This may sound supremely overpowered at first, but there is an important caveat: good drunk can turn bad, but bad drunk canNOT turn good. For example: if a player has a positive drunk value, and then they roll bad on their next drunk roll, they must add their d4 roll to their existing drunk value, but flip the entire score negative. So, if they have a +3 (good drunk), but then roll “bad” drunk, and get a 4 on their d4, they will now have a -7 to every affected roll. There is a huge risk inherent to stacking drunk states, which deters abuse. The drunk mechanic can be used at the DM’s discretion, and it does not have to be used every time the players sit down for an ale at the local tavern. In exchange for a 49% stake in this idea, I require two of your roundest, most glistening eggs pickled in Maloort for no less than a fortnight. I look forward to doing business with any and all interested Tortles. Thank you for your time. PS: I came up with this idea to flesh out one of my players’ drunken monk backgrounds, and am actively using it in my first campaign (which is Lynchian and soulsborne-inspired) - so far, it has not wreaked havoc. I'm a huge fan, would love to hear your thoughts about balance, etc <3 (murph, may you have mercy on me)

Kal knows you’re listening Riccarda comma wink

Out of spells? Have one, on me. The catch, after casting the spell in whatever level you choose, you immediately gain that many levels of exhaustion. Example - if a wizard ran out of spell slots, but wants to cast a fourth level fire ball, immediately upon casting, they gain four levels of exhaustion. This can’t be used for spells you don’t know/have access to, or spells you don’t have prepared, but it allows casters to over extend themselves in combat and not have to rely on cantrips. The levels of exhaustion can ONLY be cured by ORGANIC resting- greater restorations will not work. Logic being, by digging too deep, you’ve tired yourself in a magically resistant manner. This could allow for a noble out-with-a-bang sacrifice, and disallows gaming my DM decency. Cast one last Big Boy at a sixth level, and immediately die and can’t be revivified. I’m open to this being tied to an item, or just an argument made by a player and approved by the DM on a case by case basis (so it’s not just used willy-nilly), but I want 137.96 (or .69) tortle eggs for a 49% stake, or 17 nearly-hatched owl bear eggs for a 51% stake. You’re move, Tortles.

Courtney B

Hello tortles, I want to tell you a titillating tale. You meet a wandering traveler who asks you to choose a card that might change your life. You pick a card and see a beautifully rendered sketch that is also kind of familiar - is that your high school girlfriend? Is it that hot aarakokra your ex chased away? Is it that dwarf guard who chased you out of the last city? It could be! You’ve just found the deck of many flings. Tortles today im asking for 52 eggs for the deck of many flings. Pull a card and seal your fate for the next 24 hours before the maybe love of your life disappears. You never know who you’ll meet but your time will be short and hopefully sweet.

Connor Johnstone

Turtles, thank you for welcoming me into your Den today. I come to you with an item that is as useful to the common household halfling as it is to a resourceful adventurer. I call it the Real-Sketch-Bag. This fashionable woven fibre tote can be draped over your shoulder and function as a trendy looking convenient bag for any of your smaller items that you have trouble juggling while on your way, but it also serves a much more exciting (and functional) purpose. When you find yourself in a pinch and don’t have a particular item you may need, you can sketch the object onto the outside surface of the bag and it will appear inside — in mere moments! While it may seem like magic, the objects themselves have no magical, curative, or debilitating properties, but will serve as an approximation of the physical object you’ve drawn. We don’t wish to make the potions and magic item vendors obsolete, and in keeping these factors out of production we’ve been able to keep our costs low and our profit margins quite substantial! We’ve sold 75,000 units in our first year and that number is growing. Objects of significant value like gemstones and gold will differ in small but noticeable ways; so as to avoid counterfeit and fraud — to the trained eye. ;) Objects drawn will be to scale with the drawing, they must be able to fit inside the bag! Need a pair of gloves in a pinch? An extra arrow? Tongs so you don’t have touch something hot?? Ouch! We are asking for 10,000 cartons of eggs or 10 large fertilized ones for a 49% stake in our company. Bags come in natural, perriwinkle, and powder blue variants.

SpookyGeist

Hello Tortilicious shelltrepreneurs, I bring you a homebrew method of crafting magical items. Some people, myself included, love the crafting minigames in various video games, but the rules for it in DnD have always been lacking IMHO. Another issue, especially in games that use random loot tables, is magic items that are useless to the party. Rather than let that item gather dust in a bag of holding, or selling it to a trader for boring old gold, a member with a tool proficiency that makes sense for that item can attempt to disassemble it into a common, uncommon, rare, etc... ingredient that can be used to attempt to to craft a new magic item using one of the players artisan tool proficiencies. The act of removing the magic from a magic item intact is difficult however. For a common item, the DC is 10. For each rarity above common, it goes up by 5. So, uncommon would be 15, rare would be 20, very rare at 25 and legendary at DC 30. The same DC would be used to craft the new item and require an appropriate amount of time working on it. For this idea I ask for enough eggs to open an omellette themed restaurant

Ryan S.

Hello Tortles- I hope you all are ready to make some big egg moves because I have come to present a LIFE-CHANGING opportunity that will transform one of the lesser-used 5e systems- adventuring gear. How often do you actually use mundane equipment that typically comes with your background? Sure, everyone has gotten some use out of their 50 feet of hempen rope, but beyond that I'd wager that many players ignore their adventuring gear. In my opinion, this is because keeping track of the weight, price, and quantity of each item quickly becomes tedious. It doesn't help that spells and character abilities at higher levels are the preferred method for creative solutions to problems. To solve this, I propose a new homebrew rule- replace carrying capacity and inventory management with item requisition limits (RLs). Each player starts off with an RL which equals 5x their strength score. At any time, a player may produce any piece of adventuring gear from the PHB table that costs less than 20gp from their pack (essentially retconning that they decided to buy this item last time they were somewhere they could have bought gear). The weight of the produced item then gets subtracted from their RL. Once the party gets somewhere that they would have a chance to buy new equipment, their RL resets, and any gear that they requisitioned disappears. I think this especially gives martial classes a fun new way to approach puzzles and social encounters, and encourages players to be more creative problem solvers. For an opportunity to get involved in the mundane item revolution, I only ask for a humble investment of 2500 eggs in exchange for a 49% stake. Thank you for your time!

Jonathan Ferreira

My dearest Tortles and soon to be DM Joke… I mean Jake. I come to you today with an item that I thought would have been Perfect for Caldur but maybe it can be used by a baddie or someone else in the future. I present to you Mercury Blades. As we probably all know, mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature, making it nearly impossible to form a solid weapon…. Without ice magic. These magnificent blades have been crafted by teams of the most talented artificers and smiths the world over. They used patent pending arcanotech to imbue these weapons with frost magic maintaining the temperature of the blades at Exactly -38 degrees centigrade. Keeping them right at the edge of frozen solid. This allows for strikes to leave trace amounts of highly toxic mercury in whatever wound you inflict as it melts away from the blade. (Mechanics) Normal +1 bladed weapons (so like however much that blade would normally do +1 because magic) On a slash with the blade the player will roll an extra d4 of poison damage to the target If the player decides to stab the target with the blade the target will take a d6 of damage AND if the player decides to leave the weapon inside of the target then it will cause poison damage each round until it is removed with the die getting exponentially larger with each passing round capped at d20 (R1 d6, R2 d8, R3 d10… R6+ d20). The one flaw that we’ve found with our current design is that if one is stabbed with our weapons then the weapons lose mass due to the loss of mercury. With all of that in mind, Tortles, I would like to offer both the patent as well as our existing design plans and our current stock of weapons in exchange for, not eggs, but rather a crickside villa and 500,000,000 brown leaves so I can retire in peace. All jokes aside I’m a huge fan and I can’t wait to see what amazing adventures are in store and what a fantastic job Jake is going to do as DM. Caloo callay, may Dice Christ be with you, and may Pelor shine his radiance upon you.

Magestain

Bonjour Tortles! I present to you the rule of "Reasonable Adventurer's Minimum." Imagine this; you're a DM all new players you don't know well. They know they can do *anything* and they think it's a good idea to cast fireball in a Torphanage covered in oil and doing so could derail your plans for the session! This is where you, as the DM, step in with the "Reasonable Adventurer's Minimum" and advise the player of information their character would know that the player may not be grasping. "You're in an oily Tortphanage with baby Tortles in the next room. Casting fireball will ignite the entire building and kill baby Tortles. Killing baby Tortles will have immediate cosmic consequences, such as death." In a tortleshell, it functions as a way to communicate that an idea may be dangerous or stupid to people you don't know or to players who are new to the game. Instead of saying "hey fuckwit, don't do this," to "oh, you, Jorp the person doesn't know this, but your character Jake the Cuck does know this." Simply say "as a reasonable adventurer, you'd know that (insert fact)." It is a nebulous guiding tactic for the DM, but I see it as a rule for the DM to follow to prevent the fostering of murderhobo or plot-avoidant mentality. For this I want three Tortle eggs, a proper nesting box, heating lamp, bassinet, food, water, toys, and blankets to hatch them in - the bare minimum for hatching baby Tortles. 🐢

Sam Ross

To the esteemed Tortles, radiant and wise in your tank, I present the following Houserule to allow for dramatically taking a hit for another player, the 'Noooooooo!' rule. When an ally within 5 feet is targeted by an attack, a character may use their reaction to declare 'Noooooooo!', throwing themselves in the way of the blow. The target of the attack becomes the reacting player, and the attacker gains advantage on the attack. If the attack result is a miss, it is instead treated as a normal hit. If the attack result is a hit, it is instead treated like a crit. And if the attack is a natural crit, then all the damage dice on the crit are assumed to roll the maximum result. This allows for dramatic moments where a player can knowingly put themselves in great danger to protect their friend, taking potentially huge damage but letting their ally get off that clutch spell to win the battle, and would make for some epic tales of sacrifice. I am asking for a dozen eggs to get this up and running, each of which will leap in front of the next as I attempt to make an omelet.

Erin Perry

Greetings distinguished Tortles. Has you or a loved one's single classed character ever been lacking flavor or pizzazz but you really don't want to lose valuable class progression by multiclassing? Well, I have been there as well and I present to you an idea that will give your characters all the flavor they need without the need to take a second class: Subclass features as feats. Now this only applies to the first tier subclass features, of course, no one wants a 4th level wizard taking a 14th level sorcerer subclass ability as a feat. Let me break off a piece of this as an example for you, oh highest of Tortles. My sorcerer was facing the issue that can occur in many of a single classes character, that aforementioned lack of flavor. She had learned she was the daughter of Death herself and her sorcerer subclass had nothing to show for it. But my blesséd DM allowed me to take the 1st level undead warlock ability as a feat and now she gets a Form of Dread to make her that much more flavorful. This of course would require the cooperation of the DM and maybe a little bit of tooling depending on what the subclass feature is, but it may be easier than putting up with whatever whackass multiclass players would consider otherwise. I am asking for a mere 5 eggs in exchange for a 30% stake.

Mirarreiro

Greetings Tortles! Is that baby bailiff here too? Oh gods, why? I lay before you, my favorite homebrew item from my DM husband, "The Heavenly Headpiece. A gray top hat with a pidgeon feather taped to the side. While you wear this hat, birds will not shit on you." Sounds wonderful right? But wait! There's a secret OTHER reveal if the player rolls an 18 or higher on their arcana check to identify the headpiece, they will learn that once per day they can summon 1 D20 pigeons! Are these magical pigeons you ask? Absolutely not! When summoned they will typically fly away, and whoever's wearing the head piece will NOT be shat on. You might be thinking: What's the point of this? A hat that gives no stat boosts nor does it summon familiars? How can this be useful? I shall tell you of the time my lvl 4 party got LOST in the desert and we ran out of rations because we were unprepared noobs. Using the headpiece to summon the birds and shoot them as they flew away allowed us to cook them and survive. Was it morally questionable to summon these normal ass birds to their deaths? Absolutely, but it was a sacrifice we were willing to make. I am asking for the LOW cost of 1 egg each, to help trick the brooding birds into staying the next time we summon them for food.

Josh Kumar

Tortles, welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives. Have you ever thought that attunement was stupid? Why is it that you must nap with an item in order to wield its magical properties? It adds a point of friction to magic items that is too easy to be satisfying but too time consuming to be seamless. Introducing, the attunement check. By setting a relevant DC (the higher for more rare magic items), one can allow players to "unlock" the properties of a magic item, having them roll upon retrieval and then again once per day. This gives them the satisfaction of working to wield the item as well as delays certain properties, forcing the player to learn each property individually instead of getting them all at once and forgetting some lesser used abilities. I am seeking 10 of your most aerodynamic eggs to be thrown at Jake in exchange for a 25% stake in my company.

David García Ramírez

Tortles, I've come to you with a proposal. Have you ever felt like you don't have enough feats when you level up? Do you think that is unfair and unbalanced that some of the clases get like 7, and others get just 3 or 4? Do you like your DM to suffer with the amount of shit that it has to keep up for you an the other players to break everything in one turn? I present to you "The Psycarios" (like sicarios, but for the mind), a group of mercenary Mind Flayers who's jobs is to steal the knowledge that you need for your egoistic and min-maxing needs. Do you want the Alert feat? Just pay them a shit ton of gold and they transfer that expertise to you. Do you want your barbarian to cast spells? Empty your pockets and they'll give you the Magic Initiate feat. It could have a lot of other uses, like the contraband of secrets, but I'll let you have creative control of the product once is ready. And for payment, don't worry, I just need that one egg that Murph keeps in a box under the bed. PD: English is not my first language, if I misspelled something I hope the one who reads this is not Jake.

M. Smalloak, PhD

Tortles, let's face it: The message cantrip has too long been stretched far beyond the reasonable limits of RAW, while the Sending spell stretches the finite resources of mid-level spellcasters to their breaking point. Instead, why not encourage your party to answer the riddles three of a wizened old gnome/fantasy Radio Shack employee and upgrade to Message Plus (TM)? With Message Plus (TM) up to five party members or beloved NPCs can don a copper wire bracelet and enjoy the benefits of the Message cantrip from a distance of up to a mile. More luxurious silver and gold versions might extend this distance, at the cost of more coin or a more dangerous fetch quest. Perfect for urban campaigns or labyrinthine dungeons this spell will aid in reuniting countless split parties, and encourage in-character communication at the table, while also sparing the DM the nightmare of dealing mechanically with that one squishy NPC that the party wants to talk to all the time. Dear Titans of the Tank, for a mere splash of your brackish wisdom I offer a stake in this new telecom venture.

Olivia Moody

Howdy torts, I’m here to pitch an idea I’ve stolen from a beloved DM in my life! Have you ever felt like the inspiration mechanics in DnD are, for lack of a better term, uninspired? Fret not - because inspiration 2.0 will have you on the edge of your shells. The basics: When you do something amazing, heroic, self sacrificing, brazen, or anything else worthy of inspiration, the DM gives you a point of inspiration. Inspiration is eternally rolling - so it stacks between days and sessions. Here’s where it gets interesting. You can do 2 things with your inspiration: 1) apply it to luck checks - luck checks are now a d20 + inspiration. this means the more cool stuff you do, the luckier you get overall. 2) spend 1 point of inspiration to replace a roll with a natural 20. You can pop up from dead, crit on a crucial persuasion check, or guarantee that you’re going to use a 4th level divine smite on a critical hit Turtles, i admit this system is entirely broken; and so does my DM as he has now moved away from using this system. Still, i miss it, and i feel like with the investment of one solid egg, I might be able to convince him to go back to this system. Let’s make inspiration fun again, with inspiration 2.0!

Jeremiah LaForge

Seeking one scrabbled bird egg for this home brew monk ability. Are you tired of magic items and feats that have synergy for all the magic classes and little to nothing for the monks? Well then read on for this anime style feat. Lore: All monks who have learned this died in battle yadda yadda yadda Pre requ monk level 12 You gain a number of tokens equal to your max ki points. The number of tokens increases each time you take a monk level to remain equal to max number of ki points. You can spend 5 tokens to activate turbo mode. This mode last for 1 hour or until you take a short or long rest. You can activate this ability only when you have no points of exhaustion, and only once per short rest. When activated using a bonus action the following happens - roll 3 hit die and heal for that amount and gain that amount of temp hit points. - regain half of expended ki points - + 1 to AC - adv on str, dex, con checks - adv on your next attack Once activated you can do the following actions as a bonus action - spend one token Roll 1 hit die, heal for that amount and gain temp hit equal to this value Next attack has advantage Next attack that hits deals 1 monk die of extra DMG -spend 3 tokens - heightened turbo Roll 2 hit die, heal and gain temp hp Regain half spent ki points AC + 1 (this stacks) Adv on str, dex, con saving throws Adv on next attack Next attack that hits deals 2 monk die extra DMG This state ends after one hr, when resting, or if you go unconscious. When this state ends gain 1 point of exhaustion and roll one con save throw for each time you activated this ability, plus an additional con saving throw for each time you heightened the turbo.(NO ADV!! THE TURBO STATE IS OVER) Con save DC is equal to 10 + the number of tokens spent. Each failed throw gains one point of exhaustion. Turbo tokens are regained after a long rest where no exhaustion remains apon waking. Thank you dear tortles for your consideration. I am but I mere homebrewer in need of breakfast.

cas

greetings tortles and jakeypoo. i come to you with the reworked 5e combat system. My goal for my campaign is to make combat a roleplaying event. I want most of combat to be spent describing the movie instead of rolling dice and doing math! So, once my players are comfortable enough to go fast and confident enough to do their turns without help, I think I’m going to get into prerolling in a big way. I’m going to let them preroll damage but force them to roll to hit during their actual turn. For cool finishers, at the start of your turn, you state which target you’re attacking, before you roll to hit or say what you’re attacking with. And if the enemy is below a threshold health, I’ll let the player perform a finisher in which they can ignore the rules and they automatically succeed every check. And I would never tell them but the threshold is below 0 hp. If they know that the person before them dealt the real last damage killing blow it won’t feel like they succeeded. This aims to give other players who aren’t tanks a moment in the spotlight. Asking for one egg and 5% of the company because I know this is a whole rework of 5e and may seem drastic.

Liger Zero

Esteemed tortles of the tank I ask that you please imagine the following scenario: You are fighting a Dragon, the battle is hard, your party is down, its just you and a heavily wounded dragon left. you can take it down if you just had one more turn, all you have to do is make the save against the breath weapon. you roll, tensions at the table should be high, you should be looking at the dice expectantly but instead everyone has given up because even if you make the save, half damage will kill you anyway. presenting Defiant Resistance: a once a day charge ability that lets you survive with 1hp on the condition that you pass the saving throw DC, living out of sheer Defiance of your enemies attempts to end you. this way you keep those saving throws feeling exciting instead of completly pointless, and your successes wont be undercut by a particularly high damage roll. for fairness, I think this ability should extend to midboss teir enemies and bosses as well, and if you fear that it cuts into the utility of existing feats, it could also come at the cost of a level of exhaustion too. tortles, I only wish to keep people invested even when hope is gone, I am requestion 4 of your thinnest eggs in exchange for this idea

zach stewart

Tortles, I come to you with a previously requested item. You may remember from the Millennial Stitch D&D court episode that I had submitted a case about having given my Wizard a Grimiore of Hunger, only for him to exclusively cast fireball. Well I have the Grimiore here and as per my punishment I will just be giving this to Torle Axford. The Grimiore of Hunger is a cursed dark Grimiore, with the sentient soul of one of Acererak's minion trapped inside. The Grimiore consumes all spell books within 5ft of the book if the Grimiore is only missing 3 of the spells in the book. It does this without the time or cost associated with copying spells. The consumed spell book is absorbed into the Grimiore and cannot be recovered. The soul inside the book pushes the holder to find more and more spells, but if the holder loses their spell book, they can no longer cast spells as the book has been feeding on them. (They will get them back per DM's solution, please don't just take away your spellcasters ability to do anything without a solution)

Eve Kramer

Hi Tortles! I’m not playing in the D&D system so I’m not sure if this is relevant/can be reworked, but I have a fun NPC who will give boons for … unboons. What I mean is this: In our system, for a 2 point ability score increase (or 1 point to 2 different ability scores), this NPC will trade you a “quirk”. These quirks are small “flaws” or adversities that add to roleplay, such as: cannot float, cannot jump, susceptible to rust, bad smell, a strong dislike of something, pyromania… etc. small, mostly harmless but weird quirks. I propose every system should have a weird NPC or something similar willing to make you better at the price of making you maybe smell a little funky. I am seeking your weirdest most misshapen (possibly funky smelling) egg in exchange for one of these weird NPCs.

Cole Gensler

I come before the great Tortles with a potential item of the year. We love many things. Like storage devices and silly little guys. So.. why can't we have both? I Introduce you to Pack-a-Friend. And extradimensonal portal to unlimited friendships. Open the pocket and pull out your very own Kobold with the same exact stats as a standard 5E kobold but he OR she is friendly to you and your companions. Need someone to hug? Kobold. Need someone to test for traps? Kobold. If they die, they die happy amongst their best friends. I ask for a simple soft boiled egg for me, absolutely not three kobolds in a lab coat. Thank you for your time.

JBeev

Sup Torts! I have for you today a magic item loosely inspired by The Nannerfly Effect Tour. May I introduce “The Save-Point Coin.” Once per day when this coin is flipped, the iconic sound of a Pokemon save file is heard and an alternate timeline is created. Thus, it’s recommended use is before a critical roll. The next time your PC’s can’t all meet for a session due to scheduling conflicts, you play a one-shot in the parallel universe where said roll turned out differently. This, of course, could just be implemented without an arbitrary magic item, but I find it fascinating to see when my Players decide to flip it. Giving them that storytelling agency can lead to some very fun one-shots that I would have otherwise never considered. For a 69% stake in my company, all I ask is that my 1 year old niece fill the vacancy of Bailiff for all future DnD Courts.

Eden Hunter

Tortles, Do you ever have the midgane energy crash when playing online and waiting for another player to decide to do something? I propose cranking it when playing online sessions.

Matteo Damiano

Good day to you all Tortles, I humbly ask that my most used hombrew creation be brought to your attention, the spell "Chill". the spell Chill, comes from a subclass of clerics and paladins that I had to create for my players focused on the devotion of the mightiest god of all! Alaias! mighty lightning of the sky and god of quads. chill is a 1st level spell that has an action time of 1 reaction or 1 bonus action. when an ally within 30 feet, fails a Wisdom, Intelligence, or Charisma saving throw, the caster can use his reaction to cast Chill and allow the ally to reroll and add 1d4, while retaining any disadvantage or advantage on the check. alternatively using chill with a bonus action the caster creates an aura, of mint and ice, around a target of his choice, it obviously becomes too "Cool" to be attacked and all hits against it will have disadvantage until the end of his next turn. thank you for your time and if you were interested in this spell, all I ask is 2 eggs as an initial investment and a "Kowabunga" said with the heart as a deposit. I eagerly await your response

NLane

Shello Tortles, to get your eggs I would like to try the shotgun "shell" method. Here are a selection of Homebrew magic items I have used over the years: Avandra's Feather - (for avian character) add to your feathers, hardening the wings while not in flight - boost your AC +2 while no in flight. Moradin's Thunder - a rifle created by the god Moradin in response to a challege to create a better class of ranged weapon. 3 charges per Long Rest, Spend 1 charge to pierce a target and roll attacks to hit all targets in a 20 ft line, a miss ends the chain. Spend 2 charges to a 2d6 thunder damage to a successful attack, can be activated after a hit Spend 3 charges, activated before the attack roll, to do both above and Crit on a 18, 19, and 20. In addition, rifle has Weapon Bond with the weilder and can be compated down to the size of a gold coin to be summoned forth. Shield of Arrow "Catching" - (cursed) You gain a +2 bonus to AC against ranged attacks while you wield this shield. In addition, whenever an attacker makes a ranged attack against a target within 5 feet of you, you become the target instead. (the range of this increases to 10ft, 15ft, ...up to 30 ft the longer the item is equiped) Finally, the Misty Backstep Blade - a magical +2 shortsword that you can activate once per short rest. On a hit, misty step 10 feet away from the target as a reaction.

Kate Huss

Good Evening, Tortles. Has this ever happened to you? You and your adventuring party find some treasure! There's magic items, spell scrolls, and a whole lot of gold! Well, actually, it's 20 gold pieces, 120 silver pieces, 4 electrum pieces, and 22 copper pieces. Suddenly, the air in the room deflates as an exciting treasure turns into math homework as the coins are divvied up. The coins don't divide evenly amongst the players, and you can't remember which is worth more, an electrum or a silver. Is this a lot of cash? A little? What can you even buy with it? If D&D money doesn't feel real and tangible to you, you might be interested in my homebrew conversion rules for D&D Money. In my home game, every D&D currency is roughly equated to a number of American Dollars (players around the world can also use this rule, adjusting it as needed to the fit the currency and denominations they are most familiar with). A Copper Piece is $1 A Silver Piece is $5 An Electrum Piece is $10 A Gold Piece is $20 A Platinum Piece is $100 This makes money math easy to handle, but still keeps some variety in currency compared to the other shortcut of making all treasure Gold Pieces. Is it realistic to the cost of precious metals? No. Can you buy anything that costs less that $1? No, sorry, if half-pennies exist, my players aren't finding any. Does it work with the established costs of D&D materials in the Player's Handbook? Not always. But, I find it easier to think of what an item would cost (usually adjusting for inflation) and improvise prices when I have the comparison to real currency. You want some rope? Okay that's 1 silver ($5). What about a basic healing potion? Okay, let's say that's 1 gold ($20). What about the awesome enchanted Longsword from Swords R' Us? That'll be 20 Platinum ($2000). To make this aspect of treasure hunting even more fun, I got some 3D Printed fantasy coins for my players to collect and use at the table. I don't own thousands of them, so we're dealing with pretty small amounts of treasure most of the time. It's not a money-focused campaign, but I think the props add a fun collectibility element. Whether or not you bring in prop coins, I think the adjusted conversion rates for D&D Currency can lighten up any table, making treasure easier to understand and making shopping trips less of a hassle for both the players and the DM. Unfortunately, I don't understand the conversion rate for eggs, so I'm leaving any investment up to you wise tortles.

Walt and Pepper

Greetings to my tortle overlords. I have a fun but maybe ridiculous home brew item for sale today; the ring of random spells. (I am BEGGING to workshop a better name) The concept is simple, a magic ring holds three charges per day. You spend one charge and one spell slot you have available. The range is 60 ft, it can be centered on you, another creature, or any point within range. You then roll (or randomly pick) a spell from all the spells in the game for a spell of the same spell spot you spent. This serves no purpose other than to be fun. You could target a fallen PC, you may cast revivafy or you might accidentally cast raise dead, you could target and enemy and roll fireball, or you might roll cure wounds. Might be fun for you wild magic sorcerer. I am specifically pitching to Tortle Cadshell as he mentions Pokémon the most and this is heavily inspired by the move Metronome. I ask for 2 full eggs and 2 egg yolks

Nick Lindstrom

A stoic samurai methodically whets her blade; a dedicated monk meticulously practices their martial art; an obsessive wizard pores over an ancient spell tome. Hey tortles, let's broaden possibilities and create more opportunities for players to engineer cool character moments. Tortitudinous Tortles, I present to you the SHARPEN action: during any long rest, a player may choose to spend one hour "sharpening" an action. The action must be specific, e.g. longsword attack, unarmed strike, spell. If a player spends 1 hour (negotiable) of focused* sharpening, they are rewarded with a temporary +1 to hit with said action that lasts for 24 hours. If a spell that deals AOE is sharpened, the save DC for that spell is temporarily increased by 1 . Sharpened actions that deal nonmagical damage recieve an additional +1 temporary damage bonus. *If your players begin to really abuse the sharpen action, you can hammer down and impose concentration checks to determine whether the sharpening was successful, but honestly who cares it's a temp +1. Tantalizing Tortles, I am asking for three and a half of your drippiest eggs in exchange for a whetstone, an edgelord, and a thousand yard stare. SHARPEN UP!

Matty H

Good evening Tortles. Have you ever wanted to humiliate the BBEG, or a lowlife rival like a Galad or Glen? Perhaps you want to play a prank on your party's edgelord rogue? Maybe you'd like to give your barbarian an edge over a strong foe? Introducing ✨ THE WAND OF PANTSING✨ With a flick of your wrist, and the target making a DC15 dex save with disadvantage, you can send their pants around their ankles*. This would give the target disadvantage on dex saves, dex checks, acrobatics athletics persuasion and intimidation checks while the pants are around their ankles. The victim of this could pull their pants back up on their turn with their free object interaction. I am asking for 1 egg for each 5% of this business that you'd like, upto 75%, an album of Ol Cobb's greatest hits, and future partnership opportunities. *does not work on the pantsless, dresses, robes, kilts, and loincloths

Ethan Tabor

Greetings Terrific and Terrible Tortles, I bring to you my Nat 20 initiative rule. I am asking for 3 whole eggs for 51% stake of my company, but I can be haggled down to just 3 yolks, because I’d like to make a turtle key lime pie. Have your players complained about how useless Nat 20’s are in initiative? Has a healer rolled too well on initiative, but had nothing to do until after someone gets hurt? Well, with my rule, when you roll a Nat 20 on initiative, you get to choose when your turn goes during the first round of combat. After this, that players turn is fixed at the point they chose during the first round. This gives opportunity for rogues to wait until after their party members give them better position for sneak attack, or for healers to only heal when they need to. Maybe a player wants to wait for buffs from another player, or a player might want to wait until after the enemy goes, to see what exactly they’re up against, to see how much of their abilities they may want to expend with any given enemy. There’s not much difference between rolling a 19 and rolling a Natural 20, and with modifiers, even with a Nat 20, your low DEX mage will almost never get to go first with high DEX rogues and monks! So, let that Nat 20 on initiative feel more significant, and let your players have more choice in where they fit in combat!

Evem

Tortletations! Imagine a spooky ghost. Floating, grotesque, its clattering objects and chains and going "ooooo!". Tortles, you can have better. introducing the Slime ghost. take the spooky ghost but #goop-it. the Slime ghost can now terrorize your players with a cautionary tale AND goop everything. The #gooped surfaces imposes a 1d6 bane effect when interacted with but if eaten gives the player a onetime 1d6 bonus to a roll. All I ask for is 3 goopy wet eggs.

Cameron L

Hey there, centortles! You're facing off against the hellforged vampirate queen. The barbarian's been brutalized, the monk's ki pool is kaput, and the artificer's batteries are so, so dry. As you cast Banishment, you desperately scrounge up the last of your sorcerous power to heighten the spell: The evil queen rolls her save with disadvantage. She gets a nat 1! …only to use Legendary Resistance and succeed anyway. Turns out you've wasted your sorcery points giving disadvantage to an un-failable roll. This is dumb and bad. I propose a revised version of Legendary Resistance: Instead of succeeding automatically, the creature adds a hefty bonus to their saving throw (say, 1d12), and if it still fails, they can keep expending uses of the feature to add the bonus repeatedly. This rewards players' use of debuffs like Bane and Heightened Spell, because a very low save can burn through more than one Legendary Resistance. DMs can tweak the balance by adjusting the size of the bonus and the number of uses per day. For a forty-nine percent share of this idea, I humbly ask for an investment of one zillion eggs. Or if that one's no good, my other idea is centortles and you can have it for free. (Please add more centaurs to the show thanks)

Justin Nichols

Good morning, afternoon, evening, or night to the ever rich Tortles. I present to the tank, the Ring of Acidic Nature, or as my players call it, the Ring of the Xenomorph. When a creature attunes to this item it immediately takes 8d10 acid damage, dissolving into a puddle of acidic sludge if the damage reduces it to 0 up. If the creature survives this process, they become to immune to acid damage, and successful melee attacks against the creature deal 2d4 acid damage. Naturally, this ring is cursed and can only be removed by a remove curse or wish spell. If the attuned creature has the ring removed, it immediately takes the 8d10 acid damage again, and cannot regain those hit points until their next long rest, as the body magically purges the acid. I humbly request 8 eggs in payment, as this is the number of movies in the Alien series in which the Xenomorph appears

Brian C Nickerson
>>161182128

I would add to this my esteemed Tortles if you've already bought into last years (maybe Shout out to the 2 crew years ago) shared initiative a Nat 20 then allows for you to pick your teammate. I have 2 players at my table that have literally become the Bash Brothers with setting each other up. It's been a ton of fun and the two times they both rolled one and got to pick together the whole table went crazy. I guess I'm just saying Tortles I've play tested this and it has such a success rate that even Tortle Murphy would appreciate.

Skootsby

Happy hatching season, Tortles and also Jake. I have for you today something I call 'Journey checks'. A Journey check is a new type of skill check so named because it's about the journey, not the destination. When making a Journey check, we're not determining success or failure, you always succeed at what you were trying to do at the end. Instead the check is to see how many setbacks or obstacles you run into along the way. Instead of rolling dice, the players draw from a deck of playing cards, with red suited cards representing progress and black suited cards being setbacks. The DM chooses a number of progress cards needed to succeed, then the player draws from the deck until they reach that number. To account for character proficiency, players can discard and ignore a number of setback cards equal to half their skill modifier (rounded down) in whatever skill is being tested. Every remaining setback card drawn represents a loss of time/resources/reputation, a combat encounter, an illness, etc. as decided by the DM on your way to whatever success looks like. For a 20% stake in this homebrew, I ask only for all the leftover eggshells from all your hatched eggs. I really need something to make cards out of and those'll work just fine.

Dave 3D Art

Greetings Tortles, I am here to present to you an item that has become beloved in one of my older home games. Are you tired of having to cast speak with animals every time you need to interrogate a mouse or rat? Problem solved with the "Cheese Wheel." Invented by magically inclined farmers the Cheese Wheel is a copper coloured ring that allows adventures to cast speak with animals once per day without expending any spell slots. However it can only be cast on creatures that meet the definition of "rodent." Mice, rats, and capybara? Yes. Rabbits, bunnies, and rhinos? No. 5,000 Gold pieces for Bahumia exclusive distribution. Thank you.

Megan Kutruff

Greetings to the all knowing and all powerful tortles, I bring to thee a new and revolutionary new magical item that changes the way bards can create new masterpieces. This new piece of magic is called the ASMI Instrument. This instrument is unique compared to most bard instruments as it is simply a pair of hand holds (looks like the rock band hand holds that were made for the Nintendo DS). This instrument utilizes both hands to be effective, making it a two handed instrument that slip around the wearer's hands. Once attuned the wearer must succeed on a DC 20 intelligence check to understand and be able to utilize the instruments potential. If at least one hour of downtime/ day is spent trying to learn the instrument the DC goes down by 5 each day until it reaches a DC 5 to which it will remain until the check is succeeded. After understanding the instrument, the bard will be able to play any instrument he or she is proficient with on the set of instruments. Using different motions, finger holds, etc. the wearer is able to play a variety of different sounds. As a result the bard will also be able to learn and become proficient with other instruments through practice and downtime (3 successful DC 20 checks with a specific instrument can add an additional instrument proficiency). Once attuned the instrument acts as a +2 spell casting focus with a +2 to damage spells. The instrument has 10 charges and restores 1d6+4 charges daily at dawn. If the instrument reaches zero charges roll a D20 on a 1 the mechanics in the instrument explode and disappear. The charges for the ASMI can be used to cast the following spells: 1: cure wounds (1 charge per level of spell cast) 2: command (1 charge) 3: Motivational Speech (3 charges) 4: Mass Cure Wounds (5 charges) 5: Dominate Person (5 charges)[/spell] 6: Otto's Irresistible Dance (6 charges) Tortles I only ask for one measly egg and a hello from tortoise Shellford for this wonderful gift I have bestowed upon you all.

Luke Lu-LaLiberte

Good afternoon Tortles. *I provide a firm hand to claw shake to each Tortle and a gentle forehead kiss to The Jake* We all love the Help action, but isn't it a little stale sometimes? Doesn't matter what wild schemey scheme Emily concocts or tomfoolery Caldwell commits, it's just flat advantage to whoever they're helping out. Behold, the Collaborative Check. Say someone's character is trying to communicate something subtly to another PC across the room with winks and nods. They both roll to make that work. The DC is something unachievable solo but the winker rolls a Performance check and subtracts that from the total, setting the DC that the other player has to beat with an Insight check to understand. Allowing players to each roll doubles the stakes, makes everyone feel more involved, and encourages them to play to their strengths when helping each other because the skill they roll corresponds with how they're helping. Plus, for a performative podcast (random example), you'd have the opportunity for someone to hilariously suck at helping but still give their buddy just enough of a boost to succeed. It takes practice from the DM to set appropriate DCs for Collaborative checks but we've had tons of fun with this mechanic in my home games. Since this product is already testing well with focus groups in my living room, I'd ask for a mere gigaton of eggs (shaken, not stirred), to invest in the requisite infrastructure required to bring this rule to market. In exchange I'm prepared to offer 69.420% of profit to be shared equally amongst my investors. What say ye Tortles?

Dylan Valentine

Greetings my wonderful Tortle-innis! Oh yeah I came up with kind of a cool idea that was probably in the game in one edition or another My idea for you is Circle Magic! Imagine if you will, you are standing in a circle with other casters and you all boost your spellcasting to it's highest level via a 10 minute ritual in addition to the spell's normal casting time. You could even create your own magic circle via a ritual + components that cost a fair amount, say 25 gp per the level of spell you'd expend for casting the spell normally? Now you may find yourselves asking: "Well what does this ritual actually do though?" and I'm happy to answer! These rituals would allow you to cast your choice of a spell at the highest level spell slot you can cast for free, or by expending your highest level spell slot you could upcast a spell with the next spell slot up! (i.e. cast a 4th level spell with a 4th level spell slot) I was thinking that every spellcaster involved could get to cast one spell, but I am open to suggestions on every front! I'm offering a 90% share of this idea for the small, small price of 100,000 eggs!

Noah Jeans

Hello you slimy beautiful torts. My idea is a simple one. All martial classes get battle master maneuvers. Each martial class at level 3 gains two maneuvers of their choice which they can add to a successful attack ONCE PER ROUND. They do not get to add extra damage as to keep the battle master subclass still special. DnD 2024 has moved towards this with weapon masteries but I find those flimsy and constrictive, and they basically stole my idea!This has been play tested for years with all my friends I DM for and has become a staple for all martial classes we do, and we love it. In return for 99% of this idea, all I request is that you listen to the warriors musical, get cultured, love you guys ❤️

Caleb A.

Beseech me lords who’s name be Tortle! I bring to you today a method of rewarding player engagement that I’d be willing to offer any interested investors a chance to buy shares of -free of eggs- simply by contributing to our unique thinktank startup Who are we? Missives! The perfect method to reward the type of players who like to stay engaged out of session, and provide an easy avenue and framework for people to contribute to roleplay and character development, or the story itself, in a low stakes way Missives are anything that players contribute to the game, out of session, rewarded with a minor boon for the next session. Every group has an artist or a writer or musician who can’t stop thinking about the game when they get home, or any player after an intense fight or character reveal who wants to talk more about dnd but the session had to come to an end. By incorporating missives into your game, you give a framework for people to share their pieces of art, internal character responses to things that happened that session, or even parts of the game, like letters written to npcs. At the start of the next session, anyone who submitted a missive to the group can roll to get a minor or sometimes major reward. Players who do any creative work on the game anyway now have a predetermined framework to get rewarded for their “extra credit”, and the enthusiasm about the game is so infectious, all the players get into it over the course of the campaign. Not everyone submits something every week, but if the players know they’re going into a big fight, or had a crazy character reveal, they will inevitably submit something that they were working on to get the reward. My current missive table is a d6, but can be easily adapted to dm preferences to fit the table. Rewards Table 1. Achieve critical success on a one check before the dice is rolled. 2. Re-roll one failed attack roll, saving throw, or ability check. 3. +1 to all saving throws, attack and damage rolls 4. Receive advantage on 3 tests before roll (check, attack, and saving) 5. One re-roll of someone else's attack roll, saving throw, or ability check 6. Receive a magical consumable (random, dm digression) 1 - 5 last one session only. 6 persist across sessions While mostly minor, the +1 to saves has prevented a near tpk at least twice, the occasional random potion is an interesting curveball to throw into a party, and every character that crits dreams about getting a 1 on the d6 This was a great mechanic when I was introduced to it and every player I’ve had missives for has contributed multiple times, with incredible fiction and poetry, heart wrenching character work, or artwork depicting moments. Everyone knows it’s optional, but it brings the party together to learn character thoughts or reactions to things they couldn’t share in session. Great tortles, I ask no investment other that a single good missive reward from each of you, so I may upgrade my boon table to a d10 and play truly in the eye of the torts, the courts, and Dice Christ, Rolly be their name.

Thomas M. Pflanz

Tortles, have you ever faced off against a BBEG, facing down the overwhelming might of the final boss? Spellcasters, how does it feel to have your big spell neutralized? Fighters, how does it feel to only be able to offer a conciliatory "well, at least you burned one of their resistances"? DMs, how does it feel to only be able to block your spellcasters, but be open to crit after crit from your melee PCs? Introducing, Legendary Deflections! These work like Legendary Resistances, however they can also be used to turn any hit into a miss! A hit from one particular creature/character can only be blocked one per round (so you can't block ALL of your Paladin's attacks). To compensate for the increased rate of burning the resistances, you can adjust an existing creature by doubling its Legendary Action total. I am asking for three-ish eggs for a 69% stake in my idea. Thank you for your time.

Jen

Hello turtises! My idea is friendcrit! We play a lot of homebrew rules in my campaigns that allow for large numbers of damage because I like anime explosion level fights. To have more crits happen, I’ve added the rule “check over 10 is a crit.” To make nat 20s still feel special, I’ve added the Friendcrit rule! Anytime someone rolls a 20, everyone at the table rolls 1 of their last damage die and adds to the rolling players damage. I’ve also implemented the “Best Friendcrit” where the other players roll the all dice from the previous attack. Spells, added damage, poison, whatever! Everyone rolls! I have not found any problems with slowdown while 3 grown adults do math, but I am usually describing the attack up until the damage is revealed. All I want is 1 egg to dig a hole on a beach for and then hatch the baby and leave my entire Friendcrit empire to when I perish from this planet. Thanks so much!!!!!

Melnar Bonemaker

Hither thither Tortles and Tetsudines! I present to you God Gobs. A way for those lacking divinity to appeal to a higher power. God gobs are boogies of divine potent to be utilized by only the strongest followers of a God. You’re barbarian worships Zeus lord of thunder, give them a god gob to cast thunder wave after a primo religion check. Your wizard follows the path of Oghma, god of knowledge, give them a gob to cast clairvoyance. I am seeking one green egg and a side of tortle ham for this diaspora of divinity.

Mythic_Robyn

Hello and good day esteamed Tortles. Love what you've done with the tank by the way, still a tight fit for you your draconic guest but I'll manage. Have you ever wanted to play a gun-slinging sniper? Someone laying down covering fire at a distance? How about a gun wielding martial artist amongst a hoard of friends? Well good news! I have just the homebrew feat for you, Oversight. Use your reaction to provide covering fire when an enemy approaches or flees from your friends! How about your friends using their reaction to tell you to do it again when another enemy dares to approach or flee? Yes that's right, repeated ranged opportunity attacks with no downside! (Warning: you will rapidly consume ammo) This new feat (8% royalties to you), and future priority access to Mythic Inc’s future firearm offerings can be yours for the low cost of… idk 6 eggs? And a yearly sacrifice of your choice into the mouth of my volcano home. Yours, Lady R., Mistress of the gilded lava lake. (Trademark pending) PS. Exact feat wording below: Oversight When you take this feat you gain proficiency in firearms if you don't already have it. While wielding a firearm whenever a hostile creature enters or exits the threatened range of an Aly that you can see, within your range you may make an opportunity attack against that creature. Your allies may use their reaction when a creature enters or exits their threatened range to allow you to utilize this opportunity attack again. Firearms you are wielding have their short and long ranges expanded by a number of feet equal to 10 times your proficiency bonus.

Samuel Harris

Shello Tortles, I hope your eggs have been well stocked and taken care of for my upcoming pitch. Do you ever find the Lucky Feat too strong? Do you commonly have variant humans running around taking casinos out of business? Well I have a solution, and a fun way to re-implement one of the most controversial feats from fifth edition. Rather than allowing the Lucky feat to be taken instead of an ability score increase, the lucky feat may be taken as a free feat prior to rolling a new character. The cost? The player now must roll stats with 3d6 (the lowest doesn't get dropped) rather than 4. This will truly allow a character to be "Lucky" both at inception as well as in gameplay if their stat distribution is above average. More often than not this lucky character will now have a very bad stat - which I think we all agree is more of a boon than a bane. All I am asking for in exchange is one single egg to give me more luck as a DM while rolling because I have been getting whomped by my players for the past seven years.

Tsehai Boucaud

Tortles of Atlantis! Who even remembers what item attunement is? Surely an idea as badass as ‘forming a bond with your weapon’ should have a cooler payoff than ‘being able to use it’. I propose a home brew attunement rule, which incentivize players to love their loyal, reliable swords, bows and shields, while adding fun flavor to your game! Every three levels, increase your attunement score by one. Level 1 attunement gives you proficiency with that weapon or item even if your class doesn’t give you that proficiency. Level 2 makes it a plus +1 weapon/shied (of it is already +1, it becomes +2). Finally, level 3 gives you expertise, allowing you to double your proficiency bonus to represent the deep bond you have with your weapon! I’m willing to allow all tortles to attune to this fun idea, for a single +1 holy grail filled with eggs.

DieBard

Hello Tortles. I am the inventor, and rights-holder to the "Now That's what I Call Magic" line of items and merch. Now That's What I Call Magic is a music box powered by wild magic. Once a day, someone may activate it by throwing it to the ground, effectively rolling it. The side it lands on determines which song is played and its corresponding effect. In practice, the player rolls a d6 to cast one of the following spells depending on which number is rolled: 1. Minor Illusion (sound only) 2. Sleep 3. Thunderwave 4. Enthrall 5. Compulsion 6. Otto's Irresistible Dance I will accept two century eggs — one now, and the other 100 years from now.

Douglas Coonfield

Howdy Tortles. I play in a (extremely) heavily home-brewed campaign that you might be interested in. I’ll stick pitching the two wildest rules. First, all PCs are made with the Gestalt variant rule where each character is two full classes, but on top of that players can swap out some class features for any other class’s feature. For example, I play a Monk/Sorcerer with Sneak Attack instead of Ki and Eldritch Invocations instead of Flexible Casting. Another PC is a Fighter/Rogue with Barbarian’s Brutal Critical instead of Indomitable. Second, each PC has a pool of per-long-rest resources from in game collectible crystals. Each crystal provides a dice pool the player can add to any roll or number . For example, I want to hit the baddie extra hard, I add 5 d6 charges to my damage, like a smite. Or our Warlock/Wizard (who came up with these rules but does not DM) cast Armor of Agathys and added 10d8 to the temporary HP and cold damage. My DM would admit, balancing can be a bit of a challenge. We killed the Tarrasque with 2c HP in three rounds at level 12 and defeated Tiamat with 5x the HP at level 13. It is fun to get creative with character builds and I love this group of players but, full disclosure, I find these rules overwhelming at times, and sometimes the player that brewed them seems to be the only guy that knows what’s going on. (He’s having a blast.) Even the DM gets confused and relies mostly on the rule of cool and/or objects to the whole thing because he can't wrap his head around it. We’re offering a 15% stake in this glamorous rules set for the low low price of please tell me if there’s any way to fix it without taking away what makes it interesting plus one egg.

Dak'Thulhu

To the illustrious, and ever generous, Tortles and J-Dawg: I come before you to give players further agency in their rolls. One of the most deflating things to have happen is to have a character with expertise in a skill, roll a nat1 on that skill. While it can lead to truly hilarious/tragic storytelling, if your character is truly an expert, wouldn't you want the choice given back to the player (somewhat)? In essence, if your character rolls a nat1 in a skill they have expertise in, the player is given a choice: apply their expertise bonus and avoid the nat1 critical failure results OR accept the nat1 and be given inspiration for their next skill roll of any kind. This keeps the integrity of the nat1 in tact while also giving a player the opportunity to be rewarded for acceptung the nat1 itself. I seek only three "tactically acquired" swan eggs for endeavors of an undisclosed nature - certainly not to conjure an Eldritch-Twisted chicken-snake monstrosity for warlock-related purposes. Thank you for your time and may your shells remain forever shiny.

Emily Wines

Hello and good day to the most talented, thoughtful, and tactical tortles. Today I present a very simple, yet very useful homebrew potion mechanic that I feel you will find most pleasing. As we all know, taking a potion should be a bonus action, and we do so in my games. However, I have introduced a different option for players who need extra healing. Instead of using a bonus action, a player may choose to use both their action and bonus action to drink or give a potion, this results in the potion giving max hp to the player, rather than having to roll for the hp they recieve. I am simply requesting 4 eggs, cooked over easy on 4 separate hot plates, for 69% of stock in this mechanic. Thank you for your consideration & I look forward to hearing your decision. P.S. - I very well could have subconsciously stolen this mechanic from some dnd media (maybe even NADDPOD itself). If I have, I am deeply sorry & offer up 2 eggs of my own in apology.

Rebecca Harris

Hello Tortles. I’m putting a small token into your hand. You may ask what it is. Let me introduce you to the Hero Bit. My Pathfinder 2e GM gives these out every game for good table behavior: one for showing up on time, one for bringing snacks, and one for anything significant that helps the GM run a good game (helping out with the arts and crafts for a special game mechanic, bringing new markers for the map, etc). 4 hero bits can be exchanged for 1 hero point, or 1 bit can be used to increase any d20 roll by 1. I’m asking for 4 eggs (split 25-75 between me and my GM) for a 20% stake.

Alexander Vaa

Hey torts I bring today a homebrew item A Go go squeeze health potion A way to take a health potion as a bonus action The user must roll a check( dms choice) to squeeze and slurp down that potion in one go If the user fails the check the potion bursts out the wrong end and is wasted This can be tested with a real life go go squeeze snack I ask for a Canadian tortle egg Or maybe a shout out if used in game Bye cuties

Pankration_Dork

Hello Mighty and Wise Tortles, today I present you with a magic item to give a low-mid level boss that will strike fear in the hearts of your players. Spear of eternal rest- +1 magic spear, deals an additional 1D8 necrotic damage on hit. In addition the target must make a DC 10 Con save or receive one level of exhaustion.

Katie
>>161185662

as Thomas’ player and the wizard of the party, Tortles I implore you to invest

Tarek Alexander Chaya

*Burying my head through a patch of dirt into a small burrow where our esteemed Tortles are hibernating* In a whisper: "Hey Tortles, are you awake? If I could just get a second of your time." Tortles, I am quite familiar with your relation to criting or rolling a high roll on initiative and although your attitude towards it has seemingly improved, I'd like to add something that might make those initiative rolls even more exciting! Introducing, combo moves. When/if players (OR a DM character) roll the same initiative then that opens up the option for combo moves! Basically we just add both character's modifiers in order to create a bombastic cool ass move. For example: if Tortle Hurwitz and Tortle Tanner roll the same initiative and decided on a combo move, then they'd add their hit/DC as well as their Damage die and bonus. They'll then describe how the combo move works. This basically allows for a very high hit number and almost guarantees a hit. Good to use on powerful foes or foes with high ACs. This would also work with spells, where a spell's effect could be applied to every attack a teammate makes. I'll leave the ruling and decision making on how well these combos work to the DM of course. Tortles, I'm not asking for any eggs. Instead all I want is for at least 3 Tortles to show up to my next Birthday party for at least 5minutes and for Tortle Murphy to give me an approving nod before leaving the party. Thank you

Andy W.

Tortles, Tanks, Jake, are you your groups DM? Do you enjoy DMing but like a little break every now and then? Do you want to see what stories your player will tell in the DM seat? I give you Round Table DMing. Have each person in a group make a character and then each player will take turns running a one shot or arc with the same group of characters. You get to both DM and play while your players get the joy of DMing with the safety net of a world already built. You of course need to make ground rules before you start about magic items and levels and whatnot. I am willing to sell a 20% stake for a sunny side up egg, biscuits and some hollandaise sauce.

DorkRoll

Hello Tortles, I'm seeking a 2 egg investment for a 25% stake in Movement Rolls! Are you tired of moving the same number of feet each turn? Do you get high-key salty when enemies are standing exactly 35 ft. from your paladin? Then Movement Rolls are for you! With Movement Rolls, your move speed becomes a baseline, instead of a max. You can move up to your base speed for free, but whenever you move you can roll Athletics to push your speed further. DC 10 to move 5 ft. more, +5 DC for each 5 ft. after that. If you fail, you instead lose 5 ft. for that move. I look forward to accepting your sweet, slimy eggs!

MaidOfCake

Top of the Morning My Tortles Are you like me? Have you ever been playing a martial class and found yourself envious of the casters making concentration checks? They get to roll so much more then you. Well I've solved that problem with my new skill, "The Goodberry Gambit." As a bonus action you can put a Goodberry in your mouth and keep it there. Now when you take damage you have to make a concentration check to keep from swallowing it. But the best part is that if you drop to zero you auto swallow it which pops you back up to 1. And this can all be yours for one good egg.

DJ Matty Lil Crits

Greetings my tangy torts and sweet succulent baby turtle Jake being pursued by circling seagulls. Do your divination wizards want to embrace the most prolific of divinatory practices? I present the Tarot Deck Portent. When "rolling" for portents, have your wizard instead draw from a tarot deck, and let the cards determine your fate. The major arcana are already numbered 0-21. for 1-20, it is as simple as using the card's number. If your wizard draws the world (21), they gain a free extra portent of whatever number they choose. However if they draw the fool (0), they lose one of their portents for the day. I am asking for an investment of 21 turtle eggs, or 1 crusty city pidgeon with a huge dick that scares people at the park, I just re-listened to that short rest.

Chazz

Tortles I am seeking an investment of 500 eggs, for 51% of my 8-bit book club inspired homebrew. I present “Choose your own adventure random encounters”. Are you tired of rolling for random encounters and just fighting highwaymen or wolves? Well let me introduce encounters time tested and inspired by Pick Your Path Adventures and Give Yourself Goosebumps. Whenever I have a fun (or just stupid) idea for a story or a quest or NPC but can’t tie it into the main story I add it to my list of random encounters. I will then give that random encounter an ominous name, “The Last of the Giants”, “Stand and Deliver” or “Ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball”. When it's time for my PCs to roll a random encounter, each player rolls a die (you may adjust the number of die rolls based on how many players you have/ how many encounters you have prepped.) I then read them only the name of the encounters they rolled and they pick which one they want to do. This makes random encounters feel more meaningful since players get to make a choice and many of my campaign's best moments have been from this homebrew, with some of the events and npcs going on to play major parts of the game’s main story.

Joshua Forward

Good evening resplendent beneficiary tortuloids and tortulas. Today I would like to present a homebrew for our unsung heros, the clerics and paladins. Want to roleplay doing deeds for your daddy/mommy in the sky and get rewards for it? At every long rest, you roll a D20, and the DM adds a undisclosed modifier to it based on how good/bad a child you were that day. That role then represents your Gods attitude to you the next day, which could come in the form of guidance on rolls, or whatever you want. I ask for a humble 50 baby turtle eggs, they have to be the baby ones. Thank you for your time

Lenora

Good evening great torts! I, a humble goldfish, bring you The Uncomfortable Rest™ When my players decided to attempt Sleight of Hands to unzip Strands pants, I decided to take away their precious sleep. The ability to regain all resources (almost) unconditionally by sleeping, removes all moody tension I've tried to establish. But how do I deal with this while not breaking the immersive slower pace of the campaign? I propose this simple yet elegant solution excellent for campaigns with travel and journeying: Short rests are limited to once per day. Long rests require decent food and drink, warmth and security (no taking turns sleeping). Otherwise you regain HP equal to one roll of your total hit dice. You don't get any hit dice replenished! And you only gain half your spells/abilities! For my genius idea and great mind I ask for your most uncomfortable egg. If you reject I might have someone undo your zippers at some unexpected point.

Marley McDonough

Dear tortles, I myself am an investor in this idea but would love at least a measly dozen eggs to help me recoup some losses that came in the form of emotional damage. Let me introduce you all to “Death Saving Memories”. Whenever your players go down and are making death saves, they have to tell a good or bad memory based on a successful or failing death save. This has been great way to get players into a more role playing mindset and helps set up some great backstory moments. The only risk is the aforementioned emotional damage. That sometimes the memories are just so sad that they burn a hole in your soul (if it hasn’t already been claimed by an archfiend or devil).

Tyler Jackson

Tortles, I think we can all agree that some of the most exciting moments in DnD is getting hit hard by an enemy, and scraping by with 1 HP - the table erupts in cheers as the player triumphantly announces that they’re still standing. But do you know what sucks ass? Getting stabbed by the random leftover goblin henchman that goes next in the initiative and dropping anyway. That’s why I’ve come to you today to pitch the *Adrenaline Rush*. When a player gets dropped to 1 HP exactly, attacks against them have disadvantage till the start of that players next turn, as their adrenaline kicks into overdrive. That allows them to hopefully make it to their turn to try and get some sweet payback before lackey #3 drops them with a default scimitar swing. I honestly just came up with this in the waiting room outside, so I never tried it out, so let’s say a couple eggs and some pungent algae for 50% of the company.

Alec Posta

Bonjourno Turts! I present to you an item sure to tickle the fancy of shenanigan prone players everywhere: The Rock of Relativity. At first glance it’s nothing more than a pebble roughly the size of a d20. Not very useful you say? Well, it’s just a matter of perspective. When a creature attunes to the rock, it appears the same size to them no matter their distance from it. To everyone else, however, the rock grows or shrinks to maintain its constant size relative to its observer. At a distance of 30 feet your pebble packs the punch of a 1ft diameter boulder (this math is verified by actual experimentation!). More distance = more size. The only limit is your imagination! Will you strap it to the end of a whip to dramatically increase its damage? Or maybe try to coax your BBEG to the bottom of a cliff: a prime spot to be crushed by a rock! “Overpowered!”, I hear Murph shouting from the back? Don’t worry DMs; balance in all things. The user remains attuned to the rock as long as they’re within 30 feet of it, but beyond that range they must maintain line of sight on it or attunement breaks and it reverts to its original, tiny size (which can be quite hard to find, wink wink). Also, if it gets too big, it crushes under its own weight, destroying the magic inside but leaving a brand new mountain in its final resting place. And for ease of math; I’ve been equating its combat utility to fall damage: +1d6 damage for every 10 feet away from the observer. I ask only for two eggs, but I request your biggest one, as well as your smallest.

Carter Lance

Good tidings my terrific tortle titans. I bring a pitch for an idea I have been using for some time. In 2 words, lingering injuries. No DM likes when players are constantly being knocked down and brought back up during a battle. It can really bring down the stakes. That is why my proposal is that whenever a player character is knocked to 0 hp they aquire a lasting injury that won't go away without more significant intervention than just regaining hp. Fire could cause a burn, cold could cause frostbite, and bludgeoning could cause broken bones. These injuries would come with mechanical disadvantages, or just flavor. I request 2 and a half slimy eggs in exchange for a 25 percent equity in my new magical hospital. Thank you and I hope I have tantalized your tortle tentacles.

Scottee

Dear Torties and turties alike. May I present the best invention: Don't Roll That Dice Yet! We've all rolled dice too soon, and I don't just mean the people who roll before the DM asks them to make a check. I mean your party is about to sneak into a drow camp, and while they're still approaching, you tell them the three words every girl wants to hear: "Roll for stealth." Hang on! You crazy son of a friend! Pause. Why roll now? Why let them either know they've safely rolled very high or they'll definitely be caught with a very low roll? No, no. WAIT. Don't Roll That Dice Yet! Let them sneak in; roll ONLY when it is Dramatically Appropriate. Wait until they're deep enough in the camp that rolling for stealth carries nail-biting tension with it. Don't have someone roll before they're even really Doing the Thing. Get them into the thick of the action! Let 'em commit! THEN, with dramatic aplomb, roll dice at the exact right moment to pump your DnD session into MAGNIFICENCE. For this idea I will require each Tortle to deep fry another Tortle's egg while that Tortle watches.

Gavin Cruse

Greetings great tortles on high, I come to you bearing a homebrew rule which will amaze, mystify, and of course embraces true chaos. We've all been there: epic battle against the enemy wizards, your sorcerer shoots a hail mary fireball only to be hit with the dreaded counterspell. Your wizard must make a choice. If they cast counterspell in kind, they must now roll 1d20. If they roll half the spell's level, Wild Magic surges! I know you tortles know genius when you hear it, so I ask for 2 eggs over easy upon a corned beef hash. Thank you!

Andrew Fuckerman

Greetings tortellinis! Do you want to add a bit of zesty crunch to your games? Do you want to encourage cooperation and tactical play at your table without breaking the balance? If so, for only a baker's dozen eggs to feed my starving family, I present to you the stacking advantage rule. Works well with the optional flanking rule in the DMG. "Multiple sources of Advantage stack to grant a cumulative +1 to the better roll. Disadvantage does not stack, but any disadvantage cancels out all advantage." I have been using this rule in my games for years now and it only comes up in combat occasionally, but where it really shines is when the group wants to collaborate and give multiple help actions to a single skill check, allowing everyone to get in on the fun and describe how they are helping. It also allows them to hit higher DCs that would be impossible for a single person, like moving a large heavy object.

Natex

Hello, tortles. My name is…. Actually it doesn’t matter I’m just glad to be here, Today I’m here to present you with a brand-new, game-changing combat mechanic for Dungeons & Dragons. It’s called Synchronized Strike, and I’m seeking your buy-in—not just as players, but as the chaotic masterminds I know you are. With Synchronized Strike, you’ll take your party combat to a whole new level of teamwork, strategy, and, of course, utter destruction. Imagine this—your party is deep in the dungeon, backs against the wall. You and your ally lock eyes. You know that this is the moment to strike together. Enter Synchronized Strike. Once per long rest, two of you can choose to hold your attack until your partner attacks as well. If you both hit on the same turn, you combine your damage, add a bonus based on your Strength or Dexterity modifiers, and if one of you lands a critical hit? The bonus doubles. But that’s not all. If you both succeed, the target has to make a saving throw. If they fail, they’re stunned until their next turn, giving you both a chance to dish out even more punishment, or just bask in the glory of your teamwork. You’ll get that heroic, cinematic moment where two of you strike in perfect sync. You coordinate your attacks, land them at the same time, and leave your enemies dazed and confused. It’s teamwork and chaos rolled into one. The catch? You can only use Synchronized Strike once per long rest, and only with one other ally. That means you can’t just go crazy and spam it—you’ve got to choose your moment. It’s designed to be epic when you pull it off, but you’ve got to make that decision wisely. It’s all about timing and strategy. Now, tortles, for my ask. In exchange for giving you the glorious power of Synchronized Strike, I’m looking for exactly one thing… one signed, limited-edition drawing of all of you in synchronized battle poses. Preferably with Jake accidentally punching early, Emily rolling her eyes, Caldwell sneak-attacking in the background, and Murph smiling evilly as the DM, probably holding a TPK scroll. But wait—there’s more. I also want a batch of Caldwell’s famous homebrew potions. Whether they work or not is irrelevant, but I fully expect them to be labeled with ominous descriptions like ‘Maybe Healing, Maybe Explosion’ or ‘Guaranteed to Do Something.’

ZComiX

Good Evening Tortles, my name is Zee and I would like to present to you my solution to DMing combat, Monster Tactics! As a DM have you ever run a combat and has trouble deciding how your Wolves should target? Did your final Dragon combat end without much fanfare only to realize later that they had a Legendary Action and a Lair action that was the core to their threat? Did the Druids surprise 8 spiders need something to do on their turn? Or perhaps you just want to get the most out of your humble Goblin encounter as a new DM? Tortles, introducing a new addition to the Monster Stat Block; the Monster Tactics line! Every creature now comes equipt with a quick blurb describing how in general monsters act, such as what abilities they they rely on, who they tend to target, when they would usually take a Lair or Legendary Action, or even how they move or tend to act in a group. For instance, a Wolf might have a tactic the reads “tends to stealth around the battlefield and target Player or NPC with the Lowest Total Health, will usually attack in groups of 2 to 3 to take advantage of Pack Tactic.” These little reminders will help DMs and Players old and New as they can quickly let readers who have never seen the creature before know how to use them on a general sense, or work as a reminder to the more seasoned as to what a monster might have in its kit. Tortles I am asking for 5 eggs for 30% stake in Monster Tactics, and your professional help with working on studying these creatures to update the current manuals with said tactics. Don’t let your fellow monsters down, let them be the best they can be!

Cameron chai

good evening tortles! and jake. after seeing emily knock it out of the park with a bard this campaign, it got me thinking about the bard’s spell list and how it tends to peter off with unique spells at higher levels, so today i bring you a seventh level spell called symphony of destruction casting time of one action, concentration up to 10 minutes. verbal and somatic components when you cast this spell a spectral set of instruments (a band, an orchestra, or even just some other type of performance not necessarily musical) appears around you and preforms in sync with you. your speed is reduced by 10ft but you can still move while concentrating on this spell each hostile creature in a 30 foot diameter sphere centered around you must make a strength saving throw equal to your spell save dc or be pushed to the edge of the sphere, this save is repeated whenever the creature enters this space, creatures sized gargantuan or larger cannot be pushed by this spell effect. as an action each turn you may choose to continue the symphony prolonging the effects up to ten minutes. creatures caught in the effect radius or pushed back by it take 8d6 force damage you can designate any number of creatures for the spell to not effect, except they gain an additional d6 to add to ability checks, attack rolls, and saving rolls as long as they are within the aura all i am asking for is one egg, scrambled, and for the tortles to tell jake how much he means to them. thank you.

Ryan Steel

To the torts in shorts, I bring a proposition of immense opportunity. Have you ever thought, my game needs higher stakes and my players are sometimes little stinkers? I present the Grinch Doom Clock. Anytime a player is being a little grinchly, they roll a D20, anything below a 10 is a failed Grinch save beginning the Grinch clock. Henceforth, they are on Grinch watch. Further grinchly behaviors will become another roll. After 3 successes, they are free of their affliction but 3 fails. Their character becomes the Grinch himself and must role play as such. In return for my idea, I want green eggs to go with my roast beast and ham

Shel B Kennas 1st fav sprite girl! celebrating turning 32 by seeing D20 at MSG dressing up as Sofie Lee!

Hi There Centortles, Have you ever wanted to gamble with the Fates but feel the deck of many things is too much to risk derailing your campaign over? I’d like to pitch to you the deck of Lesser things. It’s exactly as it says; the Deck of Lesser Things (DOLT) removes the most game breaking cards (getting stuck in a gem, the wish spell, etc) and “lessens” the intensity of the remaining cards by a 1d10-1 percentage dice roll, with a minimum of 10% effect for specific quantity reward/consequences based cards (cards with specific numbers for rewards/consequences), to the DM’s discretion about how it plays out. For example: if you rolled a 50% pulling a specific quantity card such as The Gem, instead of 50 gems worth 1k gp each, it would be reduced to 25 gems of 500gp value. It allows your players to take risks without risking a full campaign, and opening up potential fun new narratives or problems for your players to solve that will last a few sessions that feels more like a detour than a derail. I am asking for 2 eggs and in return, provide you with a 69% remaining stake in the DOLT returning yield (sales of the deck, lost goods from PCs etc).

Carl, The Lubricated

Happy day to you, tonerable hortles. I’m slipping and sliding into the slick den today with an offer that’s sure to make you wet in the shell. I won’t bog you down with numbers and implementation, we need slide mechanics. Someone with the moxxy to yell to hell with friction, I’m going blitzen on an oil slick should be rewarded. Give that gal double base speed for racing with ease instead of taking a fall on that wet wet FLOOR. Basically, do a dex saving throw to slide on your feet across any difficult terrain where a slide can be described as plausible. I’m talking ball bearings, oil, slime. On a pass, the player gets double base speed on their movement. On a fail, they take a d6+4 on top of any damage they would have otherwise taken. No eggs necessary, just promise me you’ll keep them soaking like a pickled onion. Thank you for your time hortles. And may the wet lad of the night be forever with you.

Nickolas Harbaugh

Hello esteemed shellionaires, I bring to you a mechanic my friends and I have been using to help speed up combat and give martial classes a little extra oomph; Glancing Blows Now how I run the mechanic is thusly. If you’d roll 1 below the enemy’s AC in melee combat, you still hit BUT the damage is halved before any other damage reductions. Imagine a giant swinging its hammer down on you and you block it with your shield; sure you didn’t get hit by it directly but your shield did and you sure as shit felt the impact of the blow. I’m asking for a humble return of 3 dozen eggs. Just enough to fill my family’s stockings so when the grinch comes and burglarizes our house on Christmas this year all he has for loot are 36 horrifically foul and rotten eggs.

Jeff Amellin

Hi Tortles! I humbly come to you today as a longtime follower of both Naddpod and D20; but having not (yet!) played real-life D&D. I submit this slight tweak to initiative with zero (0) hours of playtesting. I am inspired by an incident of Moonshine summoning creatures to aid in battle (I believe the moment I'm thinking of was a fourth-level Conjure Woodland Beings), only to roll higher on their initiative than where the battle was currently, resulting in waiting nearly a full round to act. Simplified example case of initiative: I-20: Lair Action I-19: Bad Guy #1 I-13: PC Druid*** I-10: Bad Guy #2 At initiative 13, the Druid summons a group of dryads, who roll an 18 on their initiative. With current rules, the dryads now have to wait for two bad guys AND a lair action before acting, even though they rolled an 18!! My tweak would compare summons' initiative roll to whatever action is the top of initiative. If they beat or tie it, they act immediately and are placed in the same initiative they were summoned. If they roll lower, move them that many spots down from the current initiative. In this example, they rolled two less than the Lair Action at I-20, so they move two spots down from I-13 into I-11. The math gets crunchier if the summons roll a low initiative; but not impossible! Let's say the dryads roll a 4 in the scenario above. 20 minus 4 is 16, so we move them 16 spots down. 13 gets us to the end of the round, and 3 more puts them at I-17. Waiting that long is an apt punishment for rolling low! I'd love to keep 1% of my idea, but I really need to offload some assests before the next full moon. I'll take an egg I guess? Signed, Jeff the Turdis

ProblemWithTrouble

Esteemed Tortles, your shells are looking particularly shiny today. For your astute evaluation I present the Dig Deep mechanic that allows the players to take on levels of exhaustion to regain spell slots at a rate of one level of exhaustion for each spell level. Your non-spell casters can get in on the fun too. Want a second second wind? Take a level of exhaustion. Need to rage again? Great now you have a level of exhaustion. And DMs get the gift of pushing players even further and get to actually use the exhaustion mechanic. For only a 25% investment I only ask for your fourth favorite egg.

Serious goose (certified gamer)

Tortles, I stand before you, bucket hat in hand, no longer a bright-eyed youth, but a weary martial character tired of injustice towards non magical classes. For too long, I have listened to spellcasters come down from ivory towers to beg the tortles to invest in additional spells, damage, alternate timeline flashbacks, and game breaking moments, while us martial characters are given only an extra swing of our lowly swords. I ask - when will enough be enough for them? My solution, like my blade, is simple. All non-magical classes, upon becoming level 3, should receive the subclass benefits of the battle master, without requiring any fighter levels or for fighters to take that specific subclass. My reasoning, like Darth Maul’s blade, is two sided: Outside of the martial characters chosen class features they will already receive, the battle master abilities represent the development of skills and experience wielding their chosen weapons that makes sense for a character devoting their time to training and fighting. In addition to swinging more times, you also learn to swing it better. The other part of my reasoning, that Tortle Murphy is likely to raise, is regarding balance. I believe with the way D&D currently exists, spellcasters are given far more power and versatility as characters level up and this solution is a step towards providing martial characters more flexibility and the ability to contribute to the party in addition to just “hitting the bad guy again”. If concerns about balance at low levels are raised, I am willing to negotiate the level that a character gets access to these abilities. In return for this reasonable idea, I want no eggs. I want Jake, in his upcoming campaign to include an NPC named Stone. Stone is an aging half-orc, a master of the spear, who stands for honor above all else. He will challenge the players to a duel over even the most insignificant of slights against him or any one he cares about. Stone has 3hp total. His dying wish will be that whoever kills him takes care of his horse, an aging stallion also named Stone. Once per long rest, this stallion will cast Thunder wave. Nobody will ever understand how or why.

Robert Stegmann

Testudine investors, let me set the scene. It is the darkest hour. Half of the party is down, and the rest are on death's door. Our heroes have lost, but that doesn't matter now. They will be luckily to escape with their lives. But maybe, just maybe, one of our heroes can risk it all to save their friends. These moments are some of the very best in stories, where the heroes are faced with an impossible choice or must make a great sacrifice to prevent greater loss. But what if there was a way we could help bring about these campaign defining moments. Introducing the Potion of Desperation. As a free action, a willing creature can consume this potion and restore half of their hit points and spell slots, enough to turn the tide in a battle. However, after one minute, the creature drops to 0 hitpoints and starts rolling death saves. When rolling death saves under the effect of this potion, nothing outside of a wish spell or divine intervention can heal them or help them with their death saves. If they succeed their death saves, they live but gain three levels of exhaustion. If they fail, they die. I am selling a 50% share of this idea for ten mops of squid eggs.

Connor Cederholm

Good evening Tortles. My opening bid is 1 scrambled egg for a 15% stake in Dysentery & Despair, a homebrew system that uses the 5e skeleton to create an entirely different, much less heroic gameplay experience. Dysentery & Despair evokes the feeling of being a real medieval peasant dropped into a D&D setting by implementing all of the added difficulty rules from chapter 9 the 2014 DMG (i.e. long rests take a week, a healer’s kit is necessary to use hit dice, etc). In addition, numerous homebrew rules are implemented to vastly restrict character creation - the only classes available are fighter, rogue, and a warlock with no cantrips. 2d6 + 3 are rolled to determine each stat, and stats are rolled in order, starting with strength and ending with charisma. Numerous other homebrew rules are added, including critical fumble tables, a disease table for festering wounds, and many other tables that generally serve to punish PCs for the crime of insisting. All encounters, locations, and loot rewards are determined by custom random tables, with no regard for encounter balance or a coherent storyline. PC death is frequent and often completely arbitrary. Tortles, you may be wondering why the fuck anyone would subject themself to such a miserable pastime? Well Tortles, consider this: Rolling a character with no stat over 9, immediately encountering an owlbear, panicking, fleeing, taking near-lethal damage, contracting dysentery, and dying in a ditch is hilarious. Plus, Dysentery and Despair requires absolutely no session planning, and creates the perfect low-stakes story environment for goofy throwaway characters whose gimmick is too weak for even a 1-shit. In my experience, Dysentery & Despair is perfect for nights where one player can’t make it to weekly D&D, or where nobody has the energy to run an actual session. I recommend that anyone who run Dysentery & Despair follow in the footsteps of my playgroup and create a memorial filled with the character sheets of dead gimmick characters. Tortles, thank you for your time, and I hope you enjoy shitting yourselves to death in this game where every encounter is deadly and nobody is safe from the plague.

Mr. Satan, the World Martial Arts Champion and the Earth's protector

Good Eveternoon Titans of industry, Here is a quick pitch unlike these other schmucks! and I am giving it away to you for free, because I am already wealthy in what counts, friendship. Here is the item: Animal Juice (for a game without druids as we dont want to take away their chutzpah) - a concoction that allows interested players to benefit from a wildshape. Why is it useful? Sometimes you need to morph to get into places, being an animal is just cool, allows players to come up with more creative solutions to problems How is it made? This is GM discretion, figure out what works with your setting. I personally make it relatively rare, or a player can learn how to make per the crafting guide rules in "Kibbles Compendium of Crafting". It requires a component (hair, talon, feather) of an animal mixed with alchemical ingredients to create. I have it take a week to prepare, the potion lasts one hour, you wildshape not polymorph and depending on your own currency rules, I start a CR 0 animal at 50gp. Simple elegant and effective to allow your players to turn into animals (once again if no one chose to be a druid). If players want a specific animal for a mission purpose, maybe they need to track that animal down and recover some fur or the local druid who is able to craft these may have it on hand for the right price. Either way, it can be as simple or complex as you want it. That is what a homebrew item should be, something that can be adapted for your specific setting and world. Maybe this wasnt that short, I apologize for wasting your time, now I am going to take a nap.

Charles Bake

Howdy Jake and the tortles with too many eggs that he babysits. I come bearing an idea that will most likely cause nothing but absolute chaos: a magic item called "My Ultimate is Ready". A one time use item, it would grant a character a use of their level 20 capstone ability - such as a guaranteed divine intervention for clerics, or a round w/ 4 attacks as a fighter (shoutout Hardwon in the C1 finale). I understand this would affect some classes much more than others as far as potential power, but my DMing style ends up devolving into pure chaos anyways so it feels right. All I am asking for is your input and instead of eggs, a cool seashell you find on the way to the next campaign. Loved C3, can't wait to see what's next.

Alex skinner

Hello Tortles, I come to you as a simple man with a simple dream: to incorporate one of my favorite anime weapons into a DnD game. I think all Tortles can appreciate this, but I’m especially interested in making a deal with Mr. Caldswell TurnTurtle (apparently "Turn Turtle" means to capsize a boat – turtle style). The weapon in question is Crazy Slots, from Hunter x Hunter (Jake, don’t say the “x” out loud, this is your only warning). In the anime, it’s a weapon that changes based on a slot machine roll. The weapons vary in power and attack style, with the twist being that Kite's power grows by leaving the weapon to chance. Caldswell can explain more if needed. My idea is to have a weapon attuned to a PC. When they roll for initiative, they also roll a "slot dice" to determine which weapon they’ll use that battle. The slot dice could increase as the PC levels up. The fun—and balance—comes from the possibility of rolling and getting a basic crossbow, or possibly rolling and getting the Queen’s Hammer. Whenever you decided to increase the slot dice, the PC could choose 1 "good" and 1 "bad" roll or they could choose to add 2 neutral rolls. I think it would make sense for the PC to have made a deal with a devil (or maybe a God of Gambling) to accept this “curse,” but we can sort out those details later. In return for this brilliant idea, I only ask for 1 egg that will surely hatch into the King Chimera Ant, a creature so powerful it plans wipe out the world, until he unexpectedly falls in love with a Gungi champion and discover his humanity.

Kalob abramson

Good Evening Tortles, I hope all is wet in the tank! Today I’d like to pitch Delayed Death Saves. Basically instead of taking a normal death save you can delay your turn hoping someone will heal you. But! If you don’t get healed before your death save then you have to roll with disadvantage and a fail gives you 2 death saves instead of just 1. I’m asking for 3 cracked eggs in exchange for 100% of the mechanic.

Donoiw

"So you think you can DM?" (Working title) A regular individual who has never DM'd ( or even played a game of D&D ) ,but has listened to some podcasts, now has to DM for a party of experienced players. They would have a few days to prepare a campaign. Then the audience gets to watch them suffer as absolutely nothing goes as they expected. I offer you 80% of the idea ,in perpetuity, in exchange for 1 Tortle Egg (that I would like to build a nice shadow box for) and the opportunity to be the poor sap for the first campaign. (I've been told I have a pleasant voice; It would be nice to use it for something ). Thank you for your time, Tortle.

Rowan Sauer

Eminent Tortles: Did your adventuring party collectively treat CHA as their dump stat? Do they often have difficulty persuading NPCs to cut a good deal or gain aid? Why not give a member of the party the Band of Parental Empathy! The band, a simple bracelet, is imbued with illusion and enchantment magic. The wearer may activate the band as a bonus action, whereupon humanoids that are not in combat will see the wearer holding an infant with traits that are appealing to the humanoid’s species, while maintaining an appearance of relationship to the wearer of the Band. The band has two abilities: 1: Adorable widdle babykins! The humanoid target must succeed on a DC 13 WIS saving throw. On a successful sage, no effect takes place. On a failed save, any persuasion checks made on the humanoid target get a +3 bonus. 2: Wail of pity. Once per long rest, the bearer may make the illusory baby cry. The bearer gets advantage on their next persuasion check against a non combative humanoid.

Eric Grochowski

Good evening tortles. Have you heard of the classic D&D item the portable hole? Well it's about to be better because I bring forth to you my own homebrew creation, THE CLOAK OF THE PORTABLE HOLE! This legendary cloak is the color of complete darkness. If you throw it on the ground it creates a 15ft deep extra dimensional hole. You can pick up the hole from the sides and turn it back into a fashionable cloak. BUT WAIT THERES MORE! Once attuned, this cloak has 4 charges and regains 2 every night. When you expend 1 charge you can: a) as a bonus action, fall backwards trust fall style into the cloak. It transforms into the portable hole and you land safely at the bottom. If there is not enough space for the hole to open, you simply fall prone on the ground. Or b) as a reaction, catch incoming missiles like a monk would. You roll to see if your cloak catches the ranged attack, and if you are successful, the missile lands inside the extra dimensional space and can be retrieved from the hole later. This item has already gone through R&D and it's waiting to be sold to the public. I don't like eggs so THIS FANTASTIC CLOAK CAN BE YOURS for the small fairy bargain of giving me a single letter from your first name! Thank you!

Robert S

Torts, I bring you the case of the everlasting egg. It's rotten. You know where this is going. Eat the egg and become eggman, or a devilishly handsome hog will pursue you until you give him all of your rings. If you have no rings, the character holding the egg is instantly killed by the hog. A new player must eat the egg or be killed by Sonic the next day. The egg must remain within your party. Edit: please, please take this egg off of me. I'm scared.

David Klein

Hello my Tenacious Tortles. Are you afraid of player characters dying in a non-poetic/lame way? Well fear no more with "The last act mechanic" when a player is down and has 2 failed death saving throws, they can sacrifice themselves and choose to fail the third and not be able to be revivified and in return. They can take one final turn to make a last-ditch attack with advantage. Or cast their strongest spell. Martial classes get a free action surge. And Spellcasters get a free spell slot of their highest available. Players cannot use their last act to heal themselves and their turn will end with them perishing in a blaze of glory. I ask for no eggs, only assistance in naming my three new Pea Pufferfish. Thank you for your time Tortles. I await your feedback fully prostrated. Prostated? Ones showing hole, the other is what Bev does? Unless he was showing hole the entire time in campaign 1? Mahalo nui loa, -David

Jerrid M

Hola Tortugas! May I present to you the life or death roll! Any player once per encounter, or game, can choose to make a life or death roll. The idea is that a player can be willing to sacrifice themselves to deal a fatal blow to a creature. Players make a D20 roll and on a 1-10 they are unconscious with two death saves against them. If they roll 11-20 they receive a significant boost to their damage determined by the DM before the campaign begins. All I ask is for you to refer to your eggs as “Huevos” at least once during this podcast. Thank you!

Rusty Boots

Hi Tortles, I'm asking for an investment of two hundred thousand eggs for my brand new (patented) boss monster upgrade Critical Flings! If a monster more than one size larger than you crits they deal all their standard damage but additionally they Fling you up to 2X their Strength score in a random direction. This ability makes big monsters much more scary and can really make monster lairs and fight settings way more interactive (think crashing into wall spikes, pits, acid, cliffs, tables, bookshelves). If you choose to invest your eggs with me I only ask that you do not judge me if I roll around in them. Thank you Tortles.

Elijah Hollis

Hello to all of you esteemed and Salty Tortles in the tank. This is Elijah’s brother Josiah from the Halloween is Grinch night special. I bring you my fine wares: the Armor of sacrifice. This is a warped version of adamantine armor. Crits on you only count as normal attacks now. AND if you so choose, when a major hit is struck to you, as in a high number of damage, you can choose to absorb that number twice, and then on your next turn deal that number on top of your attack. Just a fun way to have a high risk high reward situation in battle. I am willing to sell 15% for 6 eggs that are boiled the J. Kenji López-Alt way (thank you Caldwell for sharing that recipe). Thank you and may the Grinch not take you this night.

Dillan Bradbury

hey tortles, today i pitch to you the Memory Check! do you have players that repeatedly forget important info? does your game only convene once every few months? when an important situation is at hand, feel free to ask them for a Memory check! just like any skill check, simply add your intelligence modifier. upon a high roll, you have a free excuse to tell them what they remember, perhaps even a lore dump! on a low roll, feel free to give them as much misinformation as you like! i simply ask for one egg for 100% stake, and perhaps i, too, can become as alluring as one Ivo Robotnik thank you for your time; Anna

liberty r

Yo yo what up my lovely Torts, and the all being god of picking comments, my personal king, John. My pitch is simple, dnd has already been gamified 100 times but in my opinion it is missing a most crucial of elements. Simply put dnd needs a Limit Break. A moment where your character pushes past their perceived limits and exceeds expectations. Ways to implement it are very open ended, but my suggestion for a consistent and easier way to implement, would be to allow a character to gain the effects of a modified haste spell, allowing you to amplify your character specific features, perhaps free spell slot usage or free activations of action surge. You could go crazier with it or softer depending on the dm but it is up to the dms discretion. Tortles I am asking for one egg salad sandwich for 99% of my company, we are currently bankrupt but like it’s not a big deal, thank you Torts!

Aaron Aposhian

Shello and well-met, esteemed Tortles. I have leapt out of the One Big Bed and into in the One Big Tank, lying prostrate before your grandiose heap of leathery yet succulent eggs. I am running a very potion-centric campaign in a pastel colored gothic sci-fi world. I love healing potions, and my players do as well. However, I have found that the stakes of death are often diminished when the players have near constant access to them. Introducing: FLASK BLAST, a potion/energy drink that is far cheaper (and tastier) than your standard artisan-made healing potion, produced in mass by an immensely powerful alchemical corporation. However, Flask Blast comes with the simple caveat that it cannot restore health to an unconscious creature. Get yours today at your nearest “Fitz & Flask” dispensary or fantasy vending machine! Notably, I am not removing normal health potions from the campaign, but am maintaining them as an expensive and/or rare commodity only to be used in dire situations. Thus I am not looking to entirely replace healing potions, but instead introduce a new, highly accessible variety that maintains the threat of player death. Tortles, for 50% of the Fitz & Flask corporation’s mass produced homebrewed potions i ask only for a measly 50 of your thinnest yet most glistening eggs. Thank you for your time.

Gogs

Hello my turgid terrapins! I want to present: The Coin of Ill Fate Turning This gold coin has a horseshoe embossed on one side (or winking cat, ladybug, 4 leaf clover, wishbone, etc.,) and the number 42 (or whatever number you consider lucky,) on the other. When first found (if "empty",) the coin looks like an ancient bronze coin that is worn, dull, and tarnished*. However, as the coin "gains fortune", it will become brighter and shinier until it looks like a newly minted gold coin, and gleams even in dim light. Nothing happens when a character first attunes to the Coin of Ill Fate Turning, but the first time that they, or a party member within 30' rolls a natural 1 on a Saving Throw or Attack Roll, the coin thrums then becomes still again. Once the coin has absorbed 20 natural 1s, it can be used as a reaction, to change a single roll (Saving Throw or Attack Roll,) into a natural 20 (crit). This reaction expends all the "Ill Fate" and the coin becomes dull and tarnished again. Sometimes known as a “Murph Coin”, this coin adds some hope for those of us that roll poorly to occasionally have a positive outcome. I ask for 5 shiny eggs for this one tarnished coin (spit shining acceptable.) *When found the GM may choose to roll a d10 -1 to determine if the Coin has any charges, or may rule that the loss of the coin by its former owner, constitutes a loss of luck, and the coin is empty.

Rob's Wit

Inspired by the Tortles' immediate abuse of my Flashback Slot mechanic last Tortle Tank (I Flashback to when I KILLED Galad), I put some guardrails into the mechanic. All I ask for in return is one perfect hard-boiled egg please and thank you. Flashback Slot Once per Long Rest (available for use by all members of party) You can recall a moment from the past, "off-screen," and retroactively alter events to create an advantageous outcome in the present. This ability relies on the DM’s discretion to set the scene and determine the plausibility of your flashback. The outcome is decided by a series of opposed skill checks, with the DM rolling against you based on the likelihood of success for the flashback scenario. Likely Event: DM rolls with a +2 modifier. Neutral Event: DM rolls with a +4 modifier. Unlikely Event: DM rolls with a +8 modifier. 1 Success: Minor Advantage – The situation tilts slightly in your favor. 2 Successes: Moderate Advantage – The flashback significantly shifts the odds. 3 Successes: Major Advantage – The flashback has a profound impact on the present. Example Usage: Player: "I'd like to use the Flashback Slot. I Flashback to early this when I poisoned Galad's morning tea." DM: "That’s possible but unlikely, so I’ll set the difficulty to three opposed checks with a +8 modifier." The DM chooses Stealth, Sleight of Hand, and Nature as the opposed skills to represent sneaking into Galad's quarters, spiking his tea unnoticed, and correctly preparing the poison. 1. Success: Minor Advantage Example: "Galad does seem to have the runs. He loses the partial cover he had because he's squirming too much." 2. Successes: Moderate Advantage Example: "Galad poops himself and has to make a Con Save or be Poisoned for one minute." 3. Successes: Major Advantage Example: "Galad's explosive diarrhea is the only sound heard above the clamor of battle. Galad is poisoned and incapacitated until your next turn, as the poison's delayed effect seems to be doing it's job." PS - Hope you are all staying safe out there!! xoxo

Alex Buchanan

Tortles, don’t you hate getting a Nat 20 on initiative and not being rewarded for it? (Apart from Murph). Here is my idea to spice things up a bit. Or should that be dice things up a bit. No turns out it is spice. Anyway anyone who gets a Nat 20 can give a d4 bonus to the initiative of another player, representing them shouting a warning etc. Of course the flip side is any Nat 1 means the dm can subtract a d4 from another players initiative, representing them accidentally getting in the way etc. Yours for the price of one Tortle Surprise Egg.

Cha boi

Tortles, has this ever happened to you? You're rolling initiative against the warlock that doomed your family to hell for all eternity, and they are about to do the same to your party when you say "eat my ass dude, let's do this." The DM, queuing up the Hades battle music, says "Roll initiative". You picture the anger in your character's eyes, gripping the heirloom broadsword that you ripped from your family altar and roll, only to be met with a mixed emotion of success when you roll a nat 20. Sure, you go first, but is that really it? If the difference in rolling a nat 20 relative to a nat 19 on attacking is double damage, then where's the marginal utility of a nat 20 initiative roll relative to a nat 19? I introduce the simple and straightforward homebrew, "Sucker Punch". With it, when rolling a nat 20 on initiative, your character leaps into action before anyone else can even enter combat, and attacks with advantage on only their first move. If they already have advantage on their attack roll, they roll one of their damage dice with advantage. Now, you can imagine an instigating punch from a seated position that the bad guy nary saw coming due to their incessant yapping. For balancing purposes, though, the equal and opposite is also true. Nat 1 initiative rolls are now called "Flat Footed", and cause you to roll with disadvantage (or disadvantage on attack dice if they already roll with disadvantage) on their attack roll for just the first round. I ask for 1 Krenko commander card, or "tap to create x goose eggs, where x is the number of goose eggs in your portfolio"

Nicolas R

Greetings esteemed tortles of means, ever get tired of your healing PCs complaining that their action economy gets fucked whenever their turn of healing 35 hp is wasted when the boss lands an attack for 55 dmg that downs the target anyway? Well let me introduce you to the Ring of Light's Favor. After attunement, whenever the wearer casts a healing spell on an ally, that ally receives a buff until the start of the caster's next turn. If the caster would take dmg that would reduce their hp below 0, instead the buff is removed and the target is set to 1 hp instead. All I ask is payment in exposure and the possibility of an unpaid internship.

Anand Gaitonde

Howdy Tortles, I'm asking for a simple investment of 2 eggs - your fastest and slowest - for this "nat 20 on initiative" gameplay enhancement! While some grumpy Tortles may say that "being highest on initiative is enough!" I say that a DM should add a little extra spice to all natural 20s, but said spice does come at a cost! 😈 While I've tested this in several Pathfinder 2e games, I've adjusted the rules for DnD: When an entity rolls a "nat 20" for initiative, they get an semi "bonus" round before their first round! This semi "bonus" round is just like a regular turn (for said character only), except they only have the option of an action XOR a bonus action. To add an extra cherry on top, any target of the "nat 20" rolling character gains the surprised condition (regardless of immunities) for the bonus / 1st rounds of said character's turns. Last but not least, said character is immune to the surprised condition for the length of the combat. In order to add balance to all things, if an entity rolls a "nat 1" for initiative. Said character has the surprised condition for the first two rounds of combat. After a few dozen Pathfinder 2e sessions, with both "nat 20s" and "nat 1s" - I was surprised as to how well people enjoyed these nice additions and detriments for initiative rolls. While I haven't tried the DnD versions, I believe the translation should be solid. Thank you. Pathfinder 2e Version: - Nat 20: Semi "Bonus" round is restricted to 2 actions. Entities targets are flat-footed for the bonus / 1st rounds of combat. Entity cannot be flat-footed until the start of their 4nd full round. - Nat 1: Entity's first round is limited to 2 actions and will be flat-footed until the start of their 2nd full round.

Kat Funk

Hello to all. I have an idea to Honor the most wild of dice moves, while not play tested it is very simple Whenever rolling two dice and you get a 1 and a 20 you get inspiration from the dice, which you can use at your discretion. It depends on each DM what inspiration is, be it advantage on another roll or the equivalent of whatever lever you are bardic to be taken later. This honors the excitement of this particular combo (and can brighten up loosing that nat 20 on a disadvantage roll, it is then on the player to remember and use this, but can be marked easily on a character sheet! I ask for nothing in return and send this idea out for free!

Cameron West

Torts, as someone who enjoys my weekly outing of amateur sports, there are very few feelings as glorious as the sinking that 30ft putt. The Buzz you feel after that buzzer beater 3pointer. that football smash after a touchdown. But it doesn't only have to feel good once. Recounting your harrowing experiences on the field, ice, pitch of battle after the game illicits that same feeling as if you had just gone and scored three game winner with 2 seconds on the clock am over again. Your epic tale retold in the change room to your team mates, exaggerating in all the right spots, leaving out the detail that you tripped over the blue line and slid spread eagle for 50 feet taking out three of your teammates in the process. In that same vein, nothing would feel better than savoring the Crit once in battle, and then again and again as you tell and reenact the sick decapitation to your murderous hobo-ic companions. For 5 eggs and one shell, I give you the Crit-charisma advantage. If you Crit in battle, you get advantage on one charisma based check that day. Do not stack, reset after a long rest.

Cha boi

Tortles, Justices, and fucking Jake, I bring you a simple homebrew combat minigame that I believe adds a bit of flavor to combat. What really gets players' tempers going, fervent against the DM with a passion unmatched? A good ol' fashioned rival. But building up a BBEG with a lot of backstory perfectly tailored to the PC's history and goals is daunting on an episodic basis. What if you could more easily create a rival character during any ol' bar fight? Well now you can. Introducing the homebrew mechanic: "Clash". Now, whenever the DM and a PC roll the same initiative, the two characters can agree to "clash" and direct their attacks at each other. Both characters must agree to it verbally, or else they take their regular attacks and actions. Should they choose to "clash", they roll opposed attack rolls, rolling as if they were rolling against the other character's AC when they are in fact rolling against the other character's attack roll. Whoever rolls higher wins the "clash", and rolls their own damage regularly and a single dice of the opposing character's weapon (even if they regularly roll 2d6 for damage, you only add 1d6 on top of the winning character's damage dice). Any character can choose to perform any attack they want, balancing for attack properties. This would work for both melee matchups (the clanging of steel on steel), magic matchups (Harry versus Voldemort), and even mixed matchups (Scarlett Witch versus Thanos). I ask for 1 Krenko commander card, or "tap to create x goose eggs, where x is the number of goose eggs in your portfolio"

Caleb Fifer

Hey guys (but especially My Twin Flame Jake) hear me out: The Perfect Dick Size Formula. 1 D20 + CON modifier, divided by 2. Each 1 on the die accounts for a half inch of dick, hence dividing by 2. Via PEMDAS it reads as such: (D20+CON)/2. This allows for a by the books way to decide one’s dick size (cause let’s be real, it’s not inconsequential) other than “nuh uhh, mines bigger!”

Jessica Petra

My dearest and respected Tortles, whom are damp and massive. I have a fun mechanic that I started in a Pathfinder campaign but can easily be ported to 5/5.5e . My most recent campaign that I'm running is a horror/fairy tale campaign (a la Eldermourne and Neverafter) that takes place in a demi-plane called "The Dusklands" which is between the Fey Wild and the Shadowfel. The hub is this city-state named Crimson that's run by guilds. Given its nature, the campaign is equal parts intrigue, horror, and adventure and because of this, I've given my players an "influence" mechanic. As my players do work, they gain favor with The Guilds and in turn are rewarded influence points along with the typical loot and xp. It works like this. For example, they return the head of a big undead baddie to the Hunter's Guild, as part of their rewards they gain 2 influence points with that guild. If they get up to 4 influence points, that counter resets, and they gain 1d4 influence die with the Hunter's Guild. If they gain another 6 influence points with that guild that 1d4 turns into a 1d6, then it goes up as they move along to a 1d8, 1d10, etc. They can use these influence dice for any social check provided they can narratively explain why. Each of my players has had some contact with one of the 7 guilds in this city so they start the game with a 1d4 influence die in a specific guild. Example, my one player has influence with the thieves guild, he can roll a check and add the 1d4 and this is a way of garnering more information by using his "criminal contacts". As they progress through the game they can gain influence in that guild plus others. That said, If that same player tried to schmooz a guard, they can't use that die because their influence wouldn't work with the guard and it may even be a detriment if they roll poorly BUT if they did a favor for the Civics Guild, they could use that one. So far it's been a really fun mechanic and perfect for this type of setting. If your Dampy Honors are interested, then I ask for a small clutch of eggs and a palette of the Ninja Turtle Pies from the 90s. - Thanks! , Jessica

Nate B.

To the yoked tortles Brian 'softshell' Murphy, Emily 'Cooter' Axford, Caldwell 'Leatherback' Tanner, and their lackey pig nose turtle Joke, I come to you with the deal of the century disguised under a simple moniker. Beans Our D&D group has finally solved the blemish that plagues each and every players' character sheet, Inspiration. Beans, which seeks to replace Inspiration, perform two separate functions, encourage player participation, and lessen the workload of the DM. Beans work as followed: You have a Bean Cap of 5 Beans . When a player uses their character's personality traits in an interesting or meaningful way, interacts with other PC/NPCs to further an interesting narrative, or just has a good role-play moment that player may and should be awarded Beans. Any player may award any other player (or players) between 1 to 3 beans for their participation in said meaningful role-play on a scale of how well they performed or effort they put into the interaction. On any attack roll, ability check or saving throw you may elect to spend your beans in the following ways. Before you roll, you may spend 3 beans to give yourself advantage, matching Inspiration which we have replaced. After you roll but before you know the results, you may spend up to 3 beans to modify your roll by that equivalent amount of beans spent. This new system is strong, but I want to reward my players who interact with their fellows and my world accordingly. I offer you tortles a 99% stake in Beans for the low cost of 1 fine egg, as I want to see my shared brain child flourish in the world.

Al Rosenberg

Fellow Tortarinos, I am here to humbly pitch the "Is there a spider?" homebrew of my own table. Roll an 8 (at literally anyp point in time)? Wow! There's an eight-legged spider somewhere nearby. Roll anything else? No spider to be had! Whether the spider is helpful or harmful or completely benign is entirely up to the cleverness of the players. This fantasy/nightmare brew is all yours for but one egg shell.

Joseph T

To the pioneering Jort and his fellow torts, I would like to present to you a magical item, Interdimensionally Tethered Twine. Two seemingly benign peices of twine each 6inches long. Though at one end of each they connect through an interdimensional link. The pieces of twine can be taken any distance from one another until a knot is tied on each piece. Once tied the pieces become taught against one another through the interdimensional link. No walls or objects between the strings interupt its connection. The string can withstand 20lbs of force before the interdimensional link is broken. Retying the knots restores the connection. This item I'm can be used for all sorts. Traps, alarms, even in combination with a couple of Hardwon's bean cans to make a telephone. For the a 50% stake in this product I only ask for one of your eggs along with a video tutorial of Caldwell's favorite egg boiling method. I believe this offer is so good it would bring no retort... (Pause for laughter) Thank you.

Ian Capper

What up herps, Don’t you just hate wasting a Nat 20 on initiative? Well I’ve got just the solution for you! I present to you the Pick Your Place homebrew rule: If a Natural 20 is rolled on initiative, the PC can place themselves ANYWHERE on the initiative list! Wanna open the fight with a bang? Now you can place yourself first! Are you a sickly monk that gets knocked out every fight? Place yourself right before the Healer’s turn so you can pop back up! Maybe you have just the thing for womping a boss’s special ability. Place yourself right before ‘em! The possibilities are endless! I am a tortle myself, and so am already pregnant with a ton of thin eggs. I’m instead asking for just a bit of space on your basking log for the afternoon. My webbed feet are cold.

Waffle

Dear jake and amir, I present you a book that brings writing to life, but in a monkeys paw fashion with a drawback or negative interpretation I require 1 milllion eggs, as they fuel me eternally

Mark Elton

Do you ever feel your Druid is a little too…squishy? Are you a Druid who wishes they could match their glasses and armor? I present Tortoiseshell Armor. Now you too can wear a stylish tortoiseshell design on your body…in the shape of a giant tortoise shell! Do you prefer function over form? Well I’m happy to report it also gives a +1 to +3 (depending on the size of the shell) bonus to AC that works even during wild shape! All I’m asking for are a handful of tortle eggs to raise into model employees!

Eric Wills

Tortles I present a Magic item developed out of necessity for a party that lacks any sort of utility or support spell classes. A powerful grimoire of spells that enable the party’s magic user the ability to cast the oft needed utility spells of Bards, Clerics, and Druids. To keep it brief, the grimoire allows the caster to cast a spell not on their spell list (but found within its pages) without using a spell slot, but at a great risk to themselves. DC 10 + the spells lvl CON save to cast the spell, the castor gains levels of exhaustion equal to the spell’s level. On success, the spell is cast, on failure the spell is not cast (still gaining the levels of exhaustion). I am seeking a dozen of your finest eggs; I care not if they be hard boiled, scrambled, deviled, or wet for 35% ownership of my magic item to be used across the multiverse in perpetuity. PS this is using the 2024 rules for exhaustion.

foster the boneless duck

hello tortles. i am seeking your most interestingly-patterned egg for a 51% stake in my idea, ✨ The Occult Check ✨ every dm has been there, you've got thrilling lore and shocking secrets you wish to reveal to your players in hopes to make them despair, rejoice, or both, and your friends have once again made a group of entertaining idiots. how will they ever roll above an 11 to find out that traces of necromancy linger in their deity's temple or recall that the bloody sigil defacing their deity's altar is that of myrkul? they won't. they never do, and how can they with a -2 to arcana and no wizard in sight? easily! give your resident charisma caster access to ✨The Occult Check✨ and spill all the lore tea you want as those 23s start rolling in. simply let your players swap out a proficiency in a history, arcana, or religion to dabble in the occult. this modifier can be easily calculated as charisma + proficiency, or simply direct them to their spell attack bonus. [i watched an episode of dragons' den for this so i hope the vibe is accurate]

Myka

Shello again Tortles, and thank you for having me back! You might remember me as the owner of Auxiliary Familiars, I'm back with an update! As you might recall, we brought to you the original prototype of the Companion background. The thrice in a lifetime opportunity to create a bond so magical, that you'll have deep links in the souls (or not, should it be absent!) After several moon cycles with RnD, time spent with my company in the Fae Wilds building commune for hundreds of years (only months according to the timeshift), we've come to the conclusion that the main traits of the feat are exactly this: the bonds you share with allies! That's right, it's based on your bond type! You, as well as the allies you bond with, will receive big-time bonuses! This means that these bonds can be shared among PCs as well! Warrior Bonds: Dedicated combatants in arms, you bolster each other's strength, allowing a +2 Str/Con modifier for you and +1 Str/Con for your ally, and once per long rest, you may shout to your ally to give them advantage or shield an ally for a +5 to their AC during combat! Social Bonds: days or nights spent building the strong connections that make our communities exactly that, us! +2 Cha for you and +1 Cha for an ally and, once per long rest, you can seek networks to gain answers or add a d8 on social checks as well as animal handling! Or Makers Bond: as a part of the collective sharing knowledge, you gain a +2 to int, wis, or dex and your ally gets +1 to one of the three. After all, it takes the smart and the wise to come together. Once, per long rest you can give a d8 to skill checks that require knowledge of your trades! Be it history, crafting, cooking, or even lock picking for those rapscalions of the multiverse. These free abilities cost no actions. Unfortunately, the way the bond magic works, you are only allowed one active bond at a time with what you consider to be the strongest aspect between you and your ally. Here at Auxiliar Familiars we've moved away from corporate expanse into territories. Instead, we focus on making sure community comes first. Our last venture was successful (though they had 20 acres, we acquired shifts frequently, and we are still trying to locate a tether) My Follettocapara (the goat goblin centaurs of my world) assistant Oddny has informed me you might have access to blessed gem eggs of the Saytrs of Trivella. We are asking for 3 different hues of those eggs, 9 kegs of spiced crickwater, and a celebratory dinner on tgi Fridays in exchange for 20% and a lifetime cleaning and service to your tank and equipment we will upgrade (wait til you see the new tech from the Fae Wilds!)

Quinn Nash

sup turtises I have an idea punish death slightly more so than just having to create another character: similar to The walking Dead (spoilers) all of the characters are affected via air with the zombie virus, Although these would be a good amount of intelligent, sabotaging plans by burning bridges, acts of spying, killing caravans and other events such as that, the worst part is, these characters will you know your plan, I think give them like a few rounds of headstart to get away from them and then they come back to life and start wrecking shit. This adds new lethality to every battle and I could just imagine asking your player to hand over their character's sheet and being confused when you use a certain ability (obviously to avoid essentially PVP have them avoid attacking and instead grapple and use the help action) All I ask for in return is an update on the critters and one PawPaw "Rewr"

Lorelei The Succubi and Kyra The succulent snack

Howdy Tortles, it's a pleasure to be here. Us Succubi don't make it to the surface to often or for too long so I'll keep this short, also fuck you Jake *flips off Caldwell* I'm bringing to you a few weapons I've designed based off the video game Halo that i plan to incorporate into a campaign but will need to funding for and figured your juicy eggs would suffice. First we have The Needle, a rapier with a flower like hilt and 6, count'em six.... *Quickly checks to make sure it's all there* yeah 6 crystalline segments that when swung will break off into your target, once each segment has been used they all magically return to the rapiers hilt, if you are attuned however, upon the sixth successful hit on the game target, all of the crystals will explode in a 10 foot radius dealins 6d4 piercing damage to everyone and everything in the area, including you. The other down side is for every missing segment you take a calculative -1 to both attack and damage rolls which is only alright since its a +2 weapon. For this I'm asking for all of Murphs WWE merch and one of the guests eggs. If they do not have eggs I will take one signed sol ring and $50 cash. Thank you for youre time, and if you have time please check out my other piece. *Door gets broke down behind Lorelei the devil and the FBI shoot her in both voluptuous breasts causing her to disperse back to hell, the FBI then Fortnite dance, high five and leave the room*

Dirt Person

Evergladies and Shelltlemen, I wade into the chest-deep waters of your tortle tank this day to ask a simple question: How does a DM keep combat moving fast? Especially if their players are new and/or distractable? I give you The Point of Promptness. (Working Title) So often, players will "um" and "err" their way through their turn, because they haven't spent everyone else's turns planning things out. This drags the mood down and makes everything slow when the mood should be frantic. NO LONGER. When combat begins and a player's turn comes around, that player will already have their turn planned out; perhaps with their attack and damage rolls already done. This is because the DM will award an additional point of damage to the player's attack IF that player was ready to go with their turn, thereby providing an incentive to the player. That extra point of damage can mean a lot during early levels, and by the time you get to higher levels, your players will be well-trained little combat specialists due to classic Pavlovian conditioning. Cut me in at 2% if your collective eggs, and the idea is yours.

Nathaniel Flowers

Greetings, to the tubular, Tortle titans of industry. I come before you, a humble trench coat salesman, to open my coat and display to you my wares. My first item is a nice, long piece of wood, strung with string. I present, a Longbow of Strength. It appears simple, but can truly be devastating, in the right hands. The swoll Ranger, the nimble-fingered Barbarian, or even a totally normal Fighter. Just for examples. It is a longbow, with any magical properties you desire, that requires a Dex score of 13, but uses one’s strength as the modifier. The logic being such that you are capable of aiming and hitting a target, but the bow, my beautiful piece of wood, is great in pounds of force. All I ask is for a single egg, a compliment of my fine wood from Brine Surfy, and for you to shop with me again. Thank you.

Macabre Llama

Salutations, Tortles. I present for your consideration The Emporium of Slightly Cursed Objects (TESCO, for short). Instead of balancing the financial and meta costs of magical items, our helpful Hag shopkeepers will simply GIVE AWAY as much of our stock as you are willing to carry home, because we know that at least some of these items will occasionally explode in your hands! Figuratively. Mostly. Treat yourself to some Boots of Elvenkind, but be warned! They may give Advantage on Stealth checks, but their haughty stylings give you Disadvantage on all Persuasion checks against non-Elves. That Cloak of Displacement would look great on you! Right up until you take damage in combat, at which point it alights your body in Fairy Fire and grants enemies Advantage on attacks against you until your next action. All of our stock is clearly labeled with its delightful pros and delicious cons, so you can NEVER say you didn't get exactly what you deserved. Who needs money or reputable magic dealerships when you can gamble your lives on more power for free today!

The Wizard Spring

Hello my galapagos guys and gals! Have you ever tried upcasting a healing spell and found that your third level cure wounds just didn't feel equivalent to a polymorph, a hypnotic pattern, a fireball, or a haste? Does it feel fair that your higher level spells are inferior to casting a first level spell twice? Well, tortles, for just 25 years off of your very long tortle lifespans, I have a fix for leveled healing! I call it Healing Modifier Multiplier(TM). You simply multiply the modifier you'd add by the level of the spell. For example, you cast cure wounds at a second level and say your modifier is +4. You would heal 2d8+(4x2). Now, you may say to me "but Spring, I can't do math at the table, adding is already hard enough, now you want me to multiply?!?!" Well I would say that you're big tortles and you can write somewhere that 3x4=12. I shouldn't have to do everything for you. I am a scientist (geologist), so if Murph doesn't like the idea, I think we know why.

Master of the Aioli

G'day my fellow torts. I am not seeking much, just your most succulent egg shells. I pitch you the idea add action for the for a Nat 20 on initiative. As a player and as DM, have you rolled a Nat 20 on initiative and not been rewarded. So present you with the following. An extra action for the player and for the DM. This rule effects both the player and the DM. As it is a double edged sword a player can get an advantage, or the DM can get the advantage. I have play tested the rule and seem to be well received by the players when the do crit in the initiative. Insert, the same player then get double crit in their actions and basically wipe the board. So, thanking you for time and consideration today. So I cast bless and forever mage shield.

Jesse Turits

Good afternoon Tortles, and thank you for this opportunity. I present the Pauldrons of Disco Fever, a fabulous item to help bring the Party to the party. Unique, Magical, Dance. +10 to Dance based Performance Checks +1 AC Roll 1d20 daily for a 50/50 chance to gain a rockin Poofy Hair Do. Expend a spell slot to “Pass the Dance”. Disco Fever Music emanates magically from your excellent shoulder pads. Using a bonus action you begin the greatest disco boogie of all time. Then you pass it on. A target must make a Charisma Saving Throw. On a failed save the target expends their turn caught up in the Night Boogie. At the end of their turn, the dancer Passes the Boogie to a new target. The boogie continues until someone makes the save. If in the presence of an inebriated crowd, they must all make a save throw with disadvantage. These fabulous shoulder pads glimmer with sequins that cascade down, each pauldron is 6 inches high, really giving that lift that make those little monsters just go Gaga. I seek a mating season of eggs for investment. A high price but these will be made responsibly in the USA. Thank you for your time.

Crumb Gunderson

Unrelated but yall should do a vinyl record of NADDPOD ‘soundtrack’, would buy 12

Zanna

Hiya Tortles, This is an item I created to help out my friends who were new to D&D and having trouble coming up with characters on their own. I call them Character Item Cards. Basically, they are a set of cards with one word or phrase written on the top—"dog treats", "ANC headphones", "hello kitty band-aids", "a pocket wrench"... and so on. Players could pick two cards. Working together, we could improv their character by deciding why they might have these two items with them and what that says about them. As a bonus, the other side of the card allowed them a one-time use of advantage on a check if they could describe how they were using the item to help them succeed. (This was for a oneshot. In a longer campaign I would maybe allow for more than one usage each). It was really fun seeing how people incorporated these seemingly innocuous items into their roleplay. One of my players used the dog treats to befriend a baby kitsune who became sort of a party mascot. I also just think having an extra prop is fun. I made them myself and wrote the text in shimmery gold ink. I offer this item free of charge ;-)

zediekiel

Greetings High Crit Tortles and the Lowly hatchling Jake. I come with a humble offering of a new form of quest and downtime reward. Simply put, modified spells. Somewhere between a magic item and a character ability, a modified spell is granted as a reward for a players investment in the spell, focusing on studying it intensely during downtime, or acquired as a form of boon at the end of a quest, or any other feesible/appropriate measure that the GM decides upon. This modified spell only works for the player it was developed by/given to and are provided at the GM's discretion with input from the player. Going beyond the Rules as Written, a modifed spell such as elemental weapon might also be able to deal radiant or necrotic damage instead of the normal elements. Likewise Bless could change from being a bonus of 1d4 to a 1d4+1. Or a misty step could be used on an ally within 5ft of the player rather than themselves. My players have enjoyed this so far, and are currently on a pokemon-style quest to recapture their modified spells, which have come alive and gone rogue! All I ask in return are 50,000 tortle eggs or an equivalent gift card to purchase them at participating retailors.

DisClever

Hello, Tortles. Do you ever feel a little tired of the regular forms of currency imposed by our fantasy traditions? Do you feel uncomfortable using alternatives like Electrum or straight dollarinos? I bring before you today the currency of the future, and whatever wasteland it becomes, Beans. As the smallest form of item that could have any amount of worth you can give it, beans provide you the opportunity to truly "eat through your money". It also has built in depreciation and also natural growth! You can also separate their value with familiar shorthands! Good Beans are Gb, Shriveled Beans are Sb, and Crushed Beans are Cb. You can even throw in additives like Pumpkins (P) and Maize (M) if you're feeling saucy. If people need a place to take them to keep them safe, they can take them to the Beank. Tortles, I'm offering you 51% of my bean industries for 1000 eggs to be used as possible bean picking labor upon hatching.

Baron Trousers

Wasup naughty torties, I know we’ve got a busy day ahead, eating lettuce and breathing out of our buttholes (it’s a turtle thing). So, I’ll get right to it and won’t waste your time. How many times have you desperately wanted to blackmail a Gelatinous Cube, start a small business with a Wyvern, teach a Gryphon to appreciate art, or ask a Gibbering Mouther if they dream, only to realize that you can’t communicate with them? Don’t you love it when you cast speak with animals on a random critter and force your DM to come up with a silly little voice. There are spells that allow you to speak with plants and animals, but what about oozes? monstrosities? aberrations? Well, I have the magic item for you. No longer will your monstrous musings go unanswered with the Belt of the Monsters Call. It’s basically a belt that gives you a +3 bonus interacting socially with dragons, monstrosities, aberrations, plants, elementals and oozes incapable of speech. Also, once a day you can use the belt to understand one of these types of creatures, the same way you can speak to animals. The product is 90% there, but we just need to work out some of kinks. Many of our beta testers have unfortunately formed romantic attachments with Cockatrice. I’m looking for a single egg, soft-boiled, in an egg-cup, with some toast cut into little soldiers.

AutoReroll

Good day to you Tortles! Quick question... is a respectful scritch on the shell an option or...? Nevermind we can circle back later. My submission involves a Fae Patron Warlock backstory that I surprised my player with during a Witchlight campaign. After a tough battle, I had a little Campestri (mushroom man) walk up to my Warlock and offer her a deeper connection to her patron. Once accepted my warlock had the ability to link minds with their allies and communicate telepathically which was very useful in the campaign. What I did not tell them was that this allowed her patron Titania to broadcast everything the party saw to the fae wild like a reality tv show. Every long rest a fun little guy would appear with a new product such as O-beron energy drink (potion of haste) or crystal clear brain pills - with real crystal! (Gives a bless effect for 6 hours after dealing 2d4 slashing damage from the crystal pills). Or sometimes they would arrive with a celebrity profile. The Warlock would then need to look an ally in the eye and talk up how amazing the product or person is and would recieve a reward based on the effectiveness of the sponsored content. I revealed all to the players once a rival influencer team run by The Queen of Air and Darkness showed up to fight. For this idea I would like 1 of your eggs for every beach on the earth. I don't eat eggs, but I do like the chaos of unpredictably hatching creatures appearing all over the world.

Name

Illustrious Tortles, May I boldly recommend eliminating the DC’s of investigation checks entirely? I believe the mechanics of investigation would benefit from implementing a sliding scale of what a player notices, beginning with basic physical descriptions and graduating in to explanations of the implications of materials or phenomena noticed. 1 The wrong thing is noticed 2-5 Nothing is noticed 6-10 Basics about the scene or item are noticed 11-15 Plot specific attributes or items are noticed 16-20 Basic implications are noticed 21-25 Plot specific implications are noticed 26-30 All relevant details and their implications are noticed. For example, a player rolling a 11-15 investigating a king’s chalice at a banquet will see that it is silver with a slight discoloration on the rim. At a 16-20, they’d also notice that the queen’s chalice matches the king’s, but lacks the discoloration. At a 26-30, they’d remember that the poison made from a specific flower discolors silver, and that they saw the gardener cutting them when they entered the castle that morning. This eliminates the player need to specifically request particular investigation targets, (i.e. they can simply request an investigation of the king’s table), as well as the DM’s need to set specific DC’s for relevant information, which result in a confusing or unsatisfying explanation when the PCs fail to hit it. At lower rolls, the players know that they received useful information, but will need to rely on notes or further investigations to find answers, and higher rolls are rewarded with a “Sherlock” moment.

Militant Mathematician

Scissors of Circumstance (Wonderous Item) These scissors sever the fabric of fate. Once every 1d4 days the user can hold the scissors aloft to cut a stand of fate. At the DMs discretion something about the recent world is revealed e.g. missed treasure, secret passageways, how alternate NPC dialogue could have played out, etc... The revealed reality is destroyed and any items, paths, NPC interactions cannot be realized as described except with a wish spell. The scissors can be used as a +1 dagger. In the hands of a coven of exactly 3 hags, every 1d20 days, the scissors can affect the future. *Cackles in witch*

Totally Offside

Good evening Tortles, today I would like to pitch to you a custom magic item called "the ring of disappearance". The way that it works is that if somebody does something weird at the table and you don't want to be part of it, you set off the ringer on your phone, look down at it with some skepticism, then say to the group "hmmm... Sorry I've got to take this." At this point you go to your car, drive away, and never return. I don't require any eggs for this pitch but I do hope people think of me if/when they use this magic item.

ImmortalCrow786

Hullo tortles. I'm here to bring you the spell of toe stubbing. A 1st level spell that causes 1d4 damage and causes a con save or become debilitated by unbearable pain in their pinkie toe. I am asking for a sliver of egg and to guarantee the spell is named after me. Good day tortles of majesty

Olivia Alexander

I'll keep it brief, Torts: if a player rolls a nat 20 on initiative, they get to a) see the complete initiatives of all PCs, NPCs, and enemies and b) pick where in initiative they want to go. Endless possibilities for any class

Tish.Tosh

Greetings exalted ones, oh great scuted tank-dwellers. I run a medium lethality samurai themed campaign and I humbly offer, for your consideration, a Dueling Minigame: In my campaign, players can opt in to a special form of 1on1 combat called a duel when dramatically appropriate. This will allow for the outcome of a battle against a single opponent to be determined by a single dice roll. To duel, the Player must make a contested d20 dice roll against the DM. They can add a modifier equal to their accumulated "Duel Points" which are earned through a special role playing actions and as you level up. (These roll playing actions include things like "Suffer a tragic loss", "make a rival", "Create a great work of non-martial art", or "Swear and fulfill a significant oath".) The winner of the duel is the one who's roll + their Duel Point modifier equals the higher result. If a Player rolls higher than the DM their PC wins and the NPC opponent is slain. If they roll lower than the DM they lose the duel. If the difference between the rolls is less that 5+their CON modifier they go into death saving throws, if the difference between the rolls is between 5 and 9+your CON modifier they must roll on the Lingering Injuries table (*DMG, ch.9*) if the difference between the rolls is equal to or greater than 10+CON their death is instant. I am asking for the enough eggs to feed a grown man for 1 year and the current location of the man who murdered my master.

A Little Detective

Oh most business-savvy of Tortles, I present to you a modest magic weapon, "The Sword of the Selfless Sentinel," inspired by (but legally distinct from) the Selfless Attack mechanic from Campaign 1. If the wielder of the sword has the Sentinel feat, whenever they make an opportunity attack, they can choose to give themself advantage on the attack roll, although attacks against the wielder will have advantage until the start of their next turn. Situational, yes, but hopefully something to spur some fun role-playing moments. Season in modifiers to taste (e.g. different weapon types, attack/damage bonuses, the sword is sentient and has a savior complex, etc.). In partnering to bring this item to scale, I ask only for a referral to your preferred cloaca colonic practitioner.

Jake Andrews

The WHISKEY 1s! Hello Tortles, a brief morsel for your consumable portals; everytime a player rolls a nat 1 we add a dollar to a shared whiskey fund that is used when we take our yearly cabin trip! We play once a week and typically the whiskey pot is $250ish dollars. I'm giving this away for free as capitalism is terrible and whiskey is good.

Erik Boudreault

Sup Torts, Today I’ve brought for you a most titulating Boss Monster Fight idea straight outa your favorite MMOs. It’s called “Telegraphed Actions”! Your boss monster rears up for a special attack such as lifting their greathammer to shatter the ground and the following round it deals major damage at the start of the next round! This attack will also show the squares it will be hitting on with fun unique patterns such as checkered or different angles or cones or 3 lines shooting out in different paths! Gives your players more to do with their movement and rewards this movement. I’m asking for a measly uncooked egg yolk in exchange for 20% of my idea plus commission. Thanks Torts!!

Alex

Good salutations, Tortles and Tortetts <3 TL;DR give your edgy character a chance to be edgy in a flavorful and fun way by giving them a portent roll with the choice of a critical success or a critical failure in times of critical need. I have been playing with my friends in a homebrew campaign where events have been happening in a way where multiple stories from multiple generations seem to collide in a manipulated way to make the most suffering, events akin to a thousand years ago. Unbeknownst to my players, these events are the machinations of devils vying to become the new ruler of Hell in a competition, this century’s round being called the Judas Echo with the focus on personal betrayals. My power hungry warlock, an amnesiac whose patron is actually the winner of the last Judas Echo, will be approached in times of escalating need such as his allies rolling to know the NPC guard’s name and all the way up to dying and rolling death saves with a choice: make one of their allies’ rolls a critical success or critical failure. I’m still brainstorming on how to balance either choice, with my thoughts going to something akin to refreshing spell slots mid-fight for making his allies fail or having his own death saving roll be a failure the next time for making them succeed. In exchange, I would gladly take a seat as a Supreme Crit Justice. Please and “tank” you!

RickDaddy

Hello tortles, and that guy jube or whatever his name is. I present to you rolled “point buy” a new(maybe?) way to select attribute scores during character creation! We all know about rolling and how you can get amazing stats while your fellow party member rolls abysmally. And point buy just isn’t as fun without the shiny math rocks. “There’s got a be another way!” You say. Well hold on to your tanks, tortles. Because there is! With rolled “point buy” (we need to rework the name) each player will roll 4d6 and drop the lowest, doing this 6 times. Once all numbers have been rolled and recorded they go into a party pool, and the party can then determine what score goes to what player. This helps to keep party composition balanced while still allowing players to potentially start off with an 18 or a 20 in a stat. I offer 49% of my company for the low low price of 2.15 clutches of de-yolked eggs(I’m allergic), 1 can of surge, and a cup of DS(please tread so carefully.) So tortles, are you out and therefor in? Or in and therefor out?

Agiddysea

Ahoy, Tortles! Here’s a homebrew system to bring ship-to-ship combat to life, ensuring everyone on board is fully engaged. The Dynamic Ship Combat Mechanic combines teamwork, strategy, and role-based decision-making to make every encounter memorable: 1. Shared Action Pool: The ship has a pool of actions each round, scaled by ship size (Small to Colossal). Players collectively decide how to spend these actions (Attack, Evade, Repair, etc.), prioritizing their strategy. 2. Player Roles: Each role (Captain, Gunner, Helmsman, etc.) grants unique bonuses and mechanics. Every player contributes to the ship's success, whether rallying the crew, firing cannons, or navigating treacherous waters. 3. Tactical Depth: Ships have distinct strengths and weaknesses. Small ships are agile but fragile (high ac, low HP), while massive vessels deal heavy damage but are slower. Actions scale with ship size for balanced gameplay. 4. Action Storage: Players can save unused actions for future rounds, adding long-term strategy to moment-to-moment decisions. This system fosters dynamic teamwork, encourages roleplay, and keeps everyone engaged during thrilling ship combat encounters. Let’s chart a course for adventure—invest your eggs in this system, and your Tortle crews will never look back! 🐢

Cody Faye

Good day, your Shoal-linesses. Today i bring you "Moob's Marvelous Marble." Once per day, this unassuming glass marble allows your spell-slinger to upcast a spell to a level which they do not have a spell slot. The spell must be known or prepared, and the caster must pass an Arcana check of DC 11 + the desired casting level. On a failure, the spell is cast at its normal level. On a Critical Failure, the marble cracks and needs an additional day to recharge. Success or failure, the marble can only be activated once per day. An item of this kind is unique and powerful (and uniquely powerful). As such, I am requesting a full nest from any spellcasters, and 10% of all gold earned while in possession of the marble. I am open to a martial class discount of 3/4 of a nest and 7% gold commission. Tortles, the floor is yours 🐢.

Riki Shimoda

Sup. Your baby turtles will love this. We all know the worst part of DND is trying to schedule as much DND as possible while organically progressing the story with all the players. I have a proposal for a campaign idea that is adapted for this. The only rule is that there is a central hub the players come back to every session, a village, a school, a castle, etc. Each player will be developing their own stories within this central hub, in and out of sessions. If a player is away one week then this player is simply doing some normal downtime within the same area as the party go on a mini adventure. This allows the missing players to feel like they're still part of the world. If the DM is unavailable one week, then another may take their place for a one shot with no pressure of building a new world or continuing for multiple sessions after. It is the perfect system for flexibility in scheduling, which we all know is the biggest weakness in playing DND with your friends. Love y'all, and I wanna adopt your baby turtles.

CorbanClyffe

Reverential greetings to the slowest and austerest Tortles in the land, Elven wizards have only been able to come up rudimentary spells to Move Earth, which are slow and cost a full action. Us here at Dwarven Artificing and Pizza believe in speedy service and have come up with the perfect uncommon magic item to get you through terrain in a jiffy. Introducing, the Stormcoil Drill, a handheld drilling apparatus that channels elemental lightning for rapid excavation. Using a bonus action, the Stormcoil grants the user a burrowing speed of 30 feet, and is capable of burrowing through solid rock. At the end of your burrowing, you may target an enemy creature with the drill and cause them to make a DC 14 Dex save or take a D8 of damage (or half on a save). The Stormcoil's battery possesses only 1 charge, and can be recharged only by shaking the device vigorously for 1 hour. This is strenuous, and the user will not be able to benefit from a short rest while recharging the Stormcoil. I'm asking for a marketing promotion by having the Stormcoil unveiled in Jake's upcoming campaign, In exchange for the Tortles paying my lawyers fees for personal injury claims, I'm offering 30% of equity and a pizza delivered right to your floor.

Vex M.

Hello Tortles and that guy who sometimes makes Tucker breakfast. I bring you critical inspiration! We all know that by the book natural 20s don’t automatically succeed on ability checks. But what if you crit on a silly check and wanted something from it to avoid a wasted natural 20? This is where the inspiration comes in. Not normal inspiration, but instead a D6 the player can add to the natural 20 and their bonus to the skill OR save for later. You can only have one at a time to avoid farming for it. And if you have one when you crit you can simply use one and still have one in reserve. In exchange for 50% stake, i am simply asking for 1 egg from each tortle and one tucker style breakfast

Eamon Sullivan

Greetings Tortles. Myself and my fellow engineers at Mister Lizard co. present you the Potion of Indeterminate Strength. This potion can grant the drinker incredible strength. Key word can. A creature can take a bonus action to consume the potion of indeterminant strength. When the creature drinks the potion and at the beginning of every following turn, the creature rolls 1d20. The result of that roll becomes the creatures strength score. If the creature rolled 11 or higher, they add +6 to their strength score as well. In exchange for 20 percent of our new company, I ask for a Divination Wizard on standby to help with our rolls.

James O'Neal

Greetings tortles, I come to you today with my humble side swap trade-off. Have you ever felt like your rolls weren't quite random? That some numbers show up more than they're supposed to? You're confident that something is up... How confident? Confident enough to bet a crit on it With the side swap trade-off I propose that at any point in a session a player can declare 1 die fickle and for the remainder of that session a value of their choice is swapped with the nat 20. For example if you find yourself rolling a lot of 2s (shout-out to the 2 crew) you could agree that for the remainder of the session any rolled 2s count as nat 20s in exchange for any nat 20s counting as a rolled 2. The rational amongst you may feel this does absolutely nothing, but to the more superstitious amongst you this could be a power potent enough to challenge dice-christ. In exchange I ask for 1 egg with your personal lucky number painted on it.

Austin Charles Manuel

Hey there Tortles, this one is a service Im planning on using for my magical bureaucratic megacity campaign and would love your reptilian insight on this venture. The Healing Hands Services dedicated to the Goddess of Debt. A corner store chain of magical physicians that provide top-tier healing to anyone in need, regardless of their financial standing. For a negotiable fee, Clerics and Paladins will patch up even the most grievous wounds on your PCs up to 100% of their max health. Your players can be back in the fight without expending those precious spell slots or spending time on a long rest. When a player is unable to pay for the healing fee they are cursed with a divine creditor that comes into the form of the Spectre of Debt. It uses the Wraiths stat block but only appears during combat. It will only be hostile and will chase the cursed player to receive payment. When it touches the cursed player, the player can pay the for the owed healing fee or roll a DC 25 Constitution Save. On a failed save the player takes necrotic damage equal to the healing they received—or half damage on a success. Afterwards, it disappears and leaves a business card providing the location of the nearest Healing Hands Services. With a small investment of 500,000 of your most precious beautiful soft orbs, we can expand our services to every DMs campaigns with any recommended changes to our business model.

Justice Bwr

Hey Turts, or like, whatever. One problem you have with newer or even veteran players is their tendency to try and steal from magical shops. To solve this issue you can take a look at this thing I made, or don’t, again, whatever. Introducing, The Shop of Holding. The Shop of Holding is a magical item shop containing no physical magical items, instead the shelves are lined with descriptions of items and can be exchanged at the counter, via bag of holding, for the real deal. Now buckle up your shells kids because this idea is a two for one special. The bag of holding is shared between all magical stores, and the items within can be found wherever this chain of magical shops are. It’s a good way to keep lots of powerful items available around your huge world, without breaking immersion. I’m asking for 16 raw eggs which I will drink in front of Murph to prove to him that I belong in the WWE. I’ve never seen it but I assume it’s something those guys do.

Darren Hanratty

Good evening Tortles and thank you for having me. I've been developing a "college of circus" bard subclass (proficiency in animal handling and acrobatics, benefits to attacking with throwing knives, etc). One idea I'm really excited about is using a contested acrobatics check versus attack roll for opportunity attacks against them. I want something that will rarely result in being hit, but will still keep some possibility. And it feels more fun (and more powerful) than opportunity attacks being made at disadvantage. But is it too powerful? Will accept literally any amount of eggs, so long as they are chocolate. Thank you.

Brendan Rooney

Great Tortles of the Tank, I beach myself before you with 2 prototype magic items that I add to every one shot that I run. 1. The Poor Man’s Cleric. When placed over the heart of an eligible creature, the item consumes a charge to cast Revivify. The item has a single charge remaining I find this item gives me as a DM the reassurance that I can challenge the players even if no one is playing a healer. If the players don’t use it during the adventure, you can add an NPC they can revive after / during the final battle as an extra accomplishment. 2. The Wisplight Lanturn. This lanturn contains a will-o-wisp that when prompted will lead the party to adventure. The light cannot be extinguished without killing the wisp within. The lanturn is actually cursed. Will-o-Wisps feed on the misery and death around them. It is actively trying to get the party killed, leading them not to adventure but danger. If these tickle your fancy, I am seeking eggs to feed my artificers to fund production.

Brett Daffron

Howdy tortles of great renown I bring to you an apologetically lengthy creature idea. I won't insult tortle Jake as I have a crush on him or rather I plann to crush his eggs. I present to you Fate devils : low hp devil enough to survive a hit or two , with the fate curse spell a charisma 15ish save inverts rolls 1:20 2:19 3:18... 20:1 lasts till dawn 7 days post curse date (not affected by hyperbolic time chambers must be equivolent 7 consecutive days in original time of curse) if you fail another fate curse roll while under the affect of a fate curse the curse lvl increases 1:1 2:19 3:18... 20:1 Meaning while at one lvl of curse a nat 20 is still possible by the physical rolling of a nat 1 when the player is at curse lvl 2 a nat 20 becomes impossible, at lvl 3 19 is no longer a possible roll 1:1 2:1 3:18... and the curse lvl can continue to rise until all subsequent rolls of the die are equivalent to a natural 1 i.e. 1:1...20:1. This curse can be undone by the rmove curse(RC) spell unless the curse lvl is past lvl 5 at which point it requires a greater restoration(GR) spell per 5 lvls of curse. Meaning 1 RC will remove 0-4 lvls of curse, 1 GR will remove 5-9 lvls of curse, 2 GR will remove 10-14. Thus if the curse reaches lvl 20 it requires 4 GR spells to remove or for the curse to end via the time expiration. Fate devils are often captured and released behind enemy lines prior to a planned attack. The bigger the attack the more fate devils are released to insure the invading force has fate on thier side. I request at least two eggs for a total takeover of my creature, or tortle Emily may have it for free that I may hope it one day tortures the hot boys of summer aka mavrus his bros.

Paige Marsland

Greetings fair tortles, Have you ever wanted to inject the spice of the deck of many things without completely derailing your campaign, causing unfettered chaos, and ultimately leading to the dismembering of your party? May I present to you the fortune teller of many things. This fortune teller reads the fate of the players using the deck of many things. That fate is revealed to the player, but as a prediction of their future rather than an immediate consequence of the deck. Their fortunes may then be folded into the plot, appearing at any time in the course of the campaign at the discretion of the DM. I believe this will balance out the chaos of the deck with the ability to temper the situation by the DM, and as a bonus will give the players something to look forward to or something to dread. I am asking for a modest 10 eggs to invest in this idea. The deck has informed me that you will be agreeing to this proposal, thus I have already taken the liberty of withdrawing your eggs from your nest and have already invested them, thank you.

VinDiagram

Hope you guys are doing ok out in CA. Please stay safe everyone !

WanderVonUrban

Dearest Tortles, I would like to present you my new and improved Nat 20. Now we all know that you should get something a little extra with a Nat 20, and if it’s possible to get the same thing with a different role, it just doesn’t hit the same. First and easiest, a Nat 20 should evade all damage, not just half. Second, a problem that Tortle Murph has always complained about, is that a Nat 20 on initiative, isn’t that great. He’s right, you can still go first on a 16. My pitch is to allow for a free opportunity attack on a Nat 20 initiative. The player can than choose to gamble that opportunity attack for a full surprise round with a dc of the DM’s choosing. Finally I would like to pitch the Mega Nat 20. When a player has advantage or disadvantage and rolls 2 Nat 20’s they quadruple their die. For story purposes it “breaks” the “never have anything a Nat 20 would derail,” amounts to a massive hint, or magical item above and beyond what the DM would normally give. I ask for one moon cooked tortle egg per Nat 20 improvement.

Balnor’s Best Friend - Steve

Esteemed Rich, Hot, and Thriving Tortles, Today I bring you the “Crit Cap”. No, not the limit on crit rolls; an actual cap. Now settle down Mr. No Chortle… The Crit Cap is a replacement (or augmentation) to Inspiration. In a situation you might give inspiration, you instead bequeath the Crit Cap. While wearing this cap (yes, physically wearing the hat), the PC crits on one number lower than normal (so 19 & 20 for most). Much like Starman Mario or any other temporary power up, the PC is enhanced for a limited time. This could be until their next crit, next short rest, end of the session… the DM can establish their “power up” time limit as they see fit! (Wow, how simple and adaptable!) This often pairs well with a player who has just had a revelation or is preparing for their personal final battle. It helps that player shine in the moment that means the most to them. Lower the chances of your PCs being unconscious while their personal nemesis is defeated and raise the chances they make the final strike themselves. I’m asking for a good shovels worth of eggs for 22%, or two shovels for 45%. The hat is non-negotiable.

Mathieu Grangé

Esteemed Tortaly Rad Tortles, I present to you the Frame of Veiling. This simple wooden frame, measuring 3 feet by 6 feet, holds a finely crafted, frameless canvas. When activated, any creature standing behind the frame, as well as the frame itself, become invisible. The frame remains transparent from one side, allowing the user to see what lies behind it as if they are gazing through the canvas. Once activated, the effect lasts for 1 hour. After the hour expires, the frame displays the last image that passed through it before it deactivates, showing it vividly on the canvas until the next use. The frame can be used once per long rest. The frame has an AC of 11 and 5 hit points. When reduced to 0, the magic immediately ceases. For this magical frame, I'll give you 90% of the profit if you take me to brunch and treat me to eggs benedict.

Mich Blackie

Shello bodacious turts! I have a simple HB mechanic that I think almost all DMs can add without issue! Simply, temp plus and temp minus. Say your PCs arrive in one of their hometowns. During the scene description, simply add “[PC], while you’re in your hometown, you have a temp +5 to charisma and history checks where applicable.” Or the inverse “[PC] while your crush is with the party you have a -1 to all non essential rolls because you’ve said they make you extremely nervous” This is a simple way to acknowledge that D&D skills don’t always reflect what common sense would tell you. I tend to use plus more than negative and it has been very popular with my players. It allows them to explore role play options that make sense for their characters, even if the numbers aren’t in their favor. I am asking for each of your smallest eggs so that I can have a gaggle of tiny turts that’ll fit in my Yaris Love you guys <3

Wyred

Greetings, most sublime Tortles! May the waters of your tank bring superb nourishment this day… Are you tired of WASTING your *precious* Nat. 20s on rolls where they offer no additional benefit? If so, then try these tasty little homebrews! For initiative: On a Nat. 20 the character may move up to half their speed or use a bonus action BEFORE combat starts. Other modifiers still apply, so they may not necessarily go first in combat, but they are SO READY. For saving throws: On a Nat. 20 the character may reduce any damage taken by an amount equal to their relevant ability modifier... E.g. a sick Natty on a Dex. saving throw against a FIREBALL (!) reduces the spell damage by that character’s Dexterity modifier.

Chris P.

Greetings my esteemed Tortles, have I got a shell of a deal for you. Do you find yourself looking at your Wizard, or caster main and thinking, "What this needs is more crunch... er Power.. yes more Power"? Who am I kidding of course you do! We all do! Shell I can't stop thinking it. Well here is the answer. Proficient Concentration (feat or class feature) : You can now maintain concentration on 2 spells at the same time. - The combined level of spells held in concentration cannot exceed the highest spell level you have access to. o A wizard that has access to 3rd level spells can concentration on two 1st level spells, a 1st and 2nd level spell, or a single 3rd level spell (as usual) but cannot hold concentration on two 2nd level spells. - At the beginning of the payers turn they must also pass a focus check or they lose concentration on the longest held Spell. o Focus Check = D20 + Proficiency Mod + Spellcasting Mod o DC = 10 + 2x Combined Spell levels (1st and 2nd level spell = DC 16) All other standard concentration rules for a spellcaster still apply and if you lose concentration, you lose all held spells. But wait.. there’s more. Concentration Mastery (feat or class feature): Requires Proficient Concentration - The number of spells you can hold in concentration increases by 1 to 3 total. - You can Roll focus checks with expertise - Focus check DC increases to 10 + 3x combined Spell levels. All I'm asking for this revolutionary idea is that you take it... please. I need to stop thinking about it, I've got far to many other things I should be concentrating on. :)

Lorelei The Succubi and Kyra The succulent snack
>>161217097

*on the ground drops a sheet of paper with the blueprints for the AntiGravity Hammer* The antigravity Hammer is a +3 war hammer that has 1d6+2 charges, of which can be expended upon striking a creature or surface with the hammer. Consuming a charge the hammer emits a anti gravity wave in a 15ft circle around yourself subjecting everyone to a STR DC 18 or be launched both 10 feet up and 5 feet away from the place of impact including the wielder who has Advantage on the save. A creature that fails the save takes 2d6 Thunder and 2d6 force damage as the hammer explodes with a satisfying *bwoump* sound or half as much and no subjec to to movement change on a success. If you roll below 5 on your STR save the hammer is launched into space from your slippery weak hands. The price of this weapon was going to be 2 clams and a hug from one of the stray cats in the yard

CoppercoinTheDumpsterwizard

Greetings terrifying tortles May I present the wizard only spell "Flight of icarus" Do you hate it when your Party is about to die and the only healing your wizard knows is spooky necromancy Hate no more thanks to flight of Icarus 6th Level spell V-S-M( Wax and the feather of a celestial taken from it in resentment which the spell consumes(the wax and the feather not the resentment)) Casting time is an Action Duration is 1 Minute Range is self Requires concentration School: Evocation When you cast this spell you tap into a divine power of unfathomable origin. For the duration you gain a flying speed of thirty feet as melting wings grow from your back, your hit dice turn into healing dice which you can distribute in two ways 1. Using an Action: range 5 feet, you touch a creature in range and heal them with 1d8 per spent healing dice + constitution modifier 2. Using a bonusaction: range 30 feet You heal a creature with 1d4 per spent healing dice + your constitution modifier You can heal a single creature only once per turn like this the healing dice you can spend at once are equal to your spellcasting ability modifier When the spell ends you gain 2 levels of exhaustion, vulnerability to radiant damage until the next long rest and unspent healing dice turn back into hitdice This spell is for emergency only and not for the timid All i want are 45 eggs and being told Im a good boy ......dont ask where I got the holy feather from

Conor

Dear Turtles I bring to you an amazing opportunity to own an emerging and exciting new IP. Still in its infancy with limitless directions it could grow in, the sky is the limit here Turtles. I present to you a half baked idea I never got to implement because my group fell apart: The attacker vs defender system. I always struggled with the idea of AC being a static number, and the way it impacts narration in combat. So often have I heard "that's a miss. You plink! Off the bad guys armor". To me this reads that the bad guy in armor is just standing there while you take a swing and takes no effort to block or parry or dodge. So instead turtles I suggest AC is no longer a fixed number but instead a bonus to be applied to a roll. In combat the attacker would roll like normal, but the defender would also roll and add their AC bonus. This would make hitting and missing more dynamic. A high roll on an attack could be blocked by a higher roll on the defend, or a seemingly low roll on an attack could end up actually hitting if the defender also rolled poorly. There could also be room for a nat 1 or nat 20 on a defend roll to have special effects, such as a nat 1 leading to more damage dealt by the attacker or a nat 20 mitigating all damage. Overall this would lead to more narrative moments in combat and more clutch moments. I have no idea how this bonus would be calculated as again my group fell apart before I could try it. In exchange I am asking for one half baked quiche made from whatever eggs you have left.

Agiddysea

Pitch: Black Ink Magic Mechanic Ever wanted to wield powerful magic without being a caster? With Black Ink Magic, you can! How It Works: Non-magic users tattoo spells onto their bodies, channeling magic through their Constitution. Each spell: Requires a Constitution Saving Throw to activate. Costs HP to use—higher-level spells hit harder. Has limited uses, fading until re-inked. Risk & Reward: Concentration spells prevent all healing—no potions, no clerics. Fail your saving throw? The spell activates, but the HP cost doubles! Push your limits and cast the spell at a higher level, burning a tattoo permanently for one epic cast. Why Invest Your Eggs? Black Ink Magic adds tension, strategy, and narrative flair to any campaign. Ideal for gritty, high-stakes adventures or players who love balancing power and sacrifice. Ink up, roll big, and embrace the risk!

Punderful the Pink Dragon, Scourge of the Book Store, Hoarder of Joke Books

Hey Terrific Terrible Turts! Do your players clamor for the chaos of the Dreaded Deck?  Do you not?  Does your story not need a 2 month sidequest to retrieve whatever party member got stuck in an extradementional sphere? Introducing The Mug of Many Liquids!  This enchanted piece of ceramic will generate 1 gallon of random liquid once per day!  Simply have your gambling addicts  roll a percentile die for the broad type of liquid (ex: 10-30s for water, 40s for milk, 80s for potions, 90s for liquid metal) and a D10 for the specific liquid (ex: 41 for dog milk, 45 for cow milk, 49 for goat milk.)  The higher the number, the better the liquid!  The party could get health potions!  Or liquid gold!  Or sewer sludge!  The dice control all! But beware, if the roll is upwards of 80, the magic of the potions and the heat of the metals might cause the mug to destabilize.  Roll a D10, below a 4 and the mug will break causing 2 D10 piercing damage from the flying shards, while the person holding the mug takes an additional 3 D10 fire damage if it's liquid metal.  And woe to any who roll double 00s, for the magma emerging will cause the mug to instantly break! All I ask for is 5 eggs, for I hunger.

ImmortalCrow786

Hellow egg duke's and egg duchess. I present to you my character idea for a fun theme. Wandering alchemist artificer. Raisa Belmont Stats highest to lowest Int, wis, str, dex, con, char. Uses infusion to do returning weapon on a scythe and then throw that fucker to the moon. Max out str ASAP for max hit chance then go for sharpshooter if dm allows. Manic energy and is constantly on the look out for the next ingredient or unknown or most try and ingest it to "gain their strength" not sure if this counts as a tortle tank submission... but it's really cracking me up. Yall rocknsuck

Matt

Oh humble and benefacting egg lords and the crawling worm wife who tends the soil, I bring to you an animal companion mashup. We are starting a new campaign where the PCs have inherited a wizards tower, and they will be clearing it out in a “monster of the week” style format as I re-acclimate our group to playing after various changes in their personal lives. One of my PCs has asked for a pet cow named Muu who he saved from the streets of Xhorhas (we are playing in the Wildemount campaign setting). Egg lords and worm wife, I present to you the blink cow. A reskin of the blink dog, this cow has a speed of 20 feet, has the blink dogs limited range teleport, and we swapped the dex and strength scores for flavor. Egg lord Murph - I beseech thee, consider the possibilities of a nasty big boi dropping from the top ropes for 2d6 damage Hardy Boyz style. Egg lord Caldwell- imagine the shenanigans invading a goblin camp as the blink cow teleports into a tent on its failed stealth roll. Whether it’s occupied or not is up to the DMs discretion. Egg Lord Jake, consider how beefy and strong this creature will look standing regally before you, then it teleports and its charging behind your enemy for his gore attack. And worm wife DM-ily- consider the droppings it will nourish your plants and worm children for years to come as you wriggle and writhe in your prime wild shape form. Please come to me with your feedback and any balancing issues. For this investment, I am asking for a Lions/Bills Superbowl, because lord knows both of our teams deserve a shot at the championship. But go lions baby!

JumpTrash

Tortles, I'm gonna cut to the chase because I believe my product will speak for itself; Critical Misses In dungeons and dragons, critting is almost always one of the most exciting things that can happen at the table, leading to great, memorable moments that the players will all think about for minutes to come. However, are the successes of D&D not made more exciting when contrasted with the epic failures that come with the roll of the dice as well? Rolling a nat 20 in D&D is really only super useful for 2 things; Saving Throws (particularly Death Saves) and Attack Rolls. While the same can be said about saving throws for the humble nat 1, rolling a nat 1 in combat amounts to nothing more than a simple miss. Well Tortles, today that changes with my patented Critical Miss mechanic! Now, whenever you would roll a nat 1 on an attack roll on a melee weapon attack, this gives the target the ability to take an attack of opportunity. Thats the whole mechanic Tortles. I believe there's beauty in its simplicity and I'm SURE you feel the same. This is just a nice, simple feature that you can implement in any campaign to make each combat feel a little more exciting and can lead to some really funny or even dramatic moments at the table. I'm willing to give you this mechanic as well as 100% stake in my company in exchange for just some tiny little kisses, or alternatively if you could tell Zac Oyama that my dad refers to him as "America's Sweetheart".

IamTheBento

Tortles, you ever had the need to down a potion of healing but your hands are full? What about needing that potion of hill giant strength but you don't want to put down that battle axe because your busy crushing skulls? I have just the solution: the double potion helmet. Very much like the novelty double beer helmet that one might see at a football game or in a box covered in a fine layer of dust in your parents basement, this double potion helmet has form and function. Putting any 2 potions in to the system allows a user to, as a free action, drink from 1 or both at the same time...with the slight possibility of dangerous side effects: If you drink both roll 1d10 1 they explode for 2d10 force damage, 2-3 1/2 effect. 4-7 both work normally 8-9 double effect 10 potions not consumed but effects of both The helmet also gives +1 AC...: because it's a f****** helmet

Emily Amity

Respected tortles, with various degrees of chortling, I come to you as a fellow DMily, and I would like to offer to you my rules for a Voltron style encounter that gives players a massive spike in power. All PCs are combined into one giant body. They all take their own turns as usual, but because they are sharing a body, any spell affecting one of them affects ALL of them. Whenever they make a saving throw, the PC with the highest modifier makes the save on behalf of the group, with every single PC being affected by the outcome. Additionally, reactions are treated as a shared resource in the Frankenparty. So if you've got a single wizard and three fighters, that's four counter spells per round. Additionally, when anyone takes damage, the party can distribute it as they wish amongst themselves. So they live as one and die as one. I ran this encounter in a Wildjammer campaign, and used it to allow my level five party to go toe to toe with a council of 18 level 20 warlocks. It was a blood bath, with the party emerging victorious. I think this encounter style is a great way to reward players for a long time spent fighting against an impossible threat, and am offering it to you in exchange for one (1) nice big juicy egg up front, and 10% egg residuals for all eggs laid while running this encounter style in the future.

Evan Johnson

My fellow tortles, who likes rolling dice? (Please ask for a show of hands now Jake) Great. I’m so glad you’ve all invested before I’ve even begun. I present to you, the draught of Peter Griffin. Put simply, this potion will allow you to create new, deeper backstories for your in-game characters. Everyone struggles with fleshing out the many minutae of a detailed character history. What if there was a way to create lore… retroactively? For each of three d20s, create a list of 20: -Activities that could take place in your world -NPC and/or player characters in your world -Locations in your world As you drink the potion and roll the dice, your character speaks aloud: “Hey Lois, this reminds me of the time I [blanked] with [blank] at the [blank.]” Just like that, whatever you have recalled is now retroactively canon, and part of your character’s backstory. This can lead to some hilarious situations, like your bard having gone on a ski trip with the story’s main villain, but if you ever as a DM find that a player has landed on a activity/character/place/ that feels too out of line for what could reasonably happen, just move down on the dice by 1 until you reach something that could make more sense. I hope you see my vision, tortles. And before you ask, no, I am not willing to negotiate the character invoking Lois Griffin’s name. It’s a key part of the experience. I don’t find much use in eggs, however I am very interested in egg “men”. Specifically figurines of doctor eggman from the sonic franchise. About five will suffice. Thank you.

Ed James

Turtles, testudines, and terrapins, I bring you a whole new game based around a oneshot I made when a player character lost their horse, and it needed to develop consciousness in order to navigate home; "Y'all are a horse". PCs take the role of multiple personalities/agents in the horses head, with decisions made via majority vote. Plus, each PC picks a cantrip they can cast on a dc15 - horses are magic after all. Will you survive? Will you make it home? Will you work out how a horse wordlessly implies vicious mockery? Give me a yolk and I'll hand over the rights.

Mad Dungeon Mama

Hello Turtles! Have you ever wanted a game that's almost entirely homebrew? Have you ever wanted to try all the new, shiney items? Have you ever bought something and rushed home to use it immediately? Well have I got a proposal for you! I give you...."A Tortley Awesome One-Shot" A DND game where you play with all of the investors rules, items, classes, and weapons! Choose from your own investments, or dabble in each other's ponds for a wacky new world of fun. Chaos abounds and laughs will echo throughout the world! I offer this idea for FREE with only the request that you play this one shot and record it for us thirsty naddpoles who drift in the wake of your radness!

Kelly M

Esteemed Tortles, I present to you The Wand of Procrastination. A wand that can be used to postpone an unwanted interaction with any creature (with at least 1HP). The wand has a number of charges decided by the DM and can only be used 1X per long rest. Targets will make a DC 12 wisdom saving throw or be sucked into the wand only to return at a time chosen by the DM. Similar to procrastinating in real life, the avoided creature becomes stronger upon return from the wand, regaining any hp, spell slots etc. and is hostile towards you. The wand can be used on the same creature more than once, however, they will become stronger with each subsequent use(increased challenge rating/level). Affected creatures can be reconstituted separately or together at the DMs discretion. Tortles, you can have this and make any improvements you see fit. All I ask is for 1 small speckled egg and for the Trinivale Triplets to suck their landlord into the wand to avoid paying rent.

Gwilson

Oh Tortles and Tortlessers, I ask, are you like me? Looking over your character sheet and just hating how you have stats that are doing absolutely nothing for you? I mean, hit dice? What's the point when all they do is save your life as long as the short rests are coming in nice and steady? To get those hit dice working for you, I present the following weapon enchantment/curse concept: Ravenous. Applied to any weapon, its function is simple, yet elegant. When making an attack, the user of a Ravenous weapon may "spend" hit dice to add the value of the dice to their damage roll, like a smite. This consumes the hit dice much like recovering during a short rest. Thus, a Fighter can add a d10 to their roll, a Barbarian can add a d12, a Cleric a d8 and so on. If added before rolling to-hit, a crit doubles the dice damage as usual, if rolled after the hit is confirmed, the damage from the dice does not increase. It's strong, but self-limiting in that you'll only have as many Ravenous attacks as your level. On a conceptual level, the weapon is actively weakening you, drawing on your vital essence, your "life force" so to speak, and granting you temporary power to overcome an obstacle. My favorite cursed items are ones that enable bad choices instead of forcing you to make bad decisions. More importantly, it will add an element of gambling and a feel of desperation during fights. Is it more important to kill this one enemy right now by going all out, or is it more important to keep something in the tank for later? Nerds love to gamble For an investment of four scrambled eggs served to me in bed along with some orange juice and maybe a croissant if you're feeling generous, I'm willing to give up to 80% shares in this hundred dollar idea.

Matt
>>161455439

This aged poorly and I’m sad, Go Bills