a single sentence, part 2. (Patreon)

I think that two of the most impactful sentences in a chapter have to be the first and last. This doesn't mean there aren't gut-punch sentences, or beautiful lines in the chapter itself. But it is important to start and to end strong. The same is true of scenes within a chapter, and of books as a whole.

With chapter two, I had written this final sentence: (some context included.)

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Had we really done those terrible things to our mother? We never meant to. But she was hurt. We never meant to hurt her, but we did. We never meant to trap her. But we did. She was hurt and she was trapped.

The sick pain inside her all these years didn't care if we meant to do it or not.

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"The sick pain inside her all these years didn't care if we meant to do it or not."

That's a strong sentence, I think. But when I lay in bed just thinking about the sentences and what makes sense and what doesn't, it kept bothering me. I don't mind reaching outside the normal vocabulary or way a child talks, especially not for this book. Neither Sunday nor Simon are ordinary, and consistency is more important than whatever "realism" is. A weighted average of how children of a certain age talk?

My problem with the sentence was that it felt wrong. She's being dramatic, which fits. But she's being dramatic in a way that is not simple enough. Sunday is a character who is made simple by pain.

So, I tried again. (again, with some context)

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Had we really done those terrible things to our mother?

We never meant to.

But she was hurt. She was. We never meant to hurt her, but we did. We never meant to trap her. But we did. She was hurt and she was trapped.

Pain doesn't care if you meant to do it or not.

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"Pain doesn't care if you meant to do it or not."