Health Update (Patreon)

Friends, first of all, I want to thank you all again for your help and support—it’s truly priceless! 🙏🏻♥️

Secondly, I want to share something I haven’t spoken about before, even though I’ve always been open about my life.

This summer, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and depression. Since July, I’ve been undergoing treatment, and honestly, it’s been helping a lot.

Looking back, I realize that BPD has probably been with me my entire life, but things got significantly worse in the past few years amidst all my struggles. I used to believe that my spirit was stronger than any mental health challenges, and I didn’t talk about it—probably because I didn’t want to admit that it was real and affecting my life so profoundly.

Yesterday, however, I experienced the strongest panic attack I’ve ever had. Before this, I only knew about panic attacks in theory, but now I understand how overwhelming they can be.

In the morning, the Doctor told me they weren’t planning to discharge me yet. They admitted they had no idea what’s wrong with me—it might be some very rare or even completely new illness. They mentioned that after the final test results, they would transfer me to the Rheumatology Institute for hospitalization.

After this, I went out onto the stairwell and started feeling really strange. My arms and legs began twisting uncontrollably, and I thought I was going to break my fingers. Breathing became difficult, my heart and stomach started hurting, I was short of breath, and then the chills began. Eventually, I found myself standing in the hallway in a full-blown breakdown. I was pulling out my hair, bruising my skin with my fists on my stomach and arms—anywhere I could—and struggling with an overwhelming urge to jump out of the window I had already opened to put an end to it all.

It took a massive amount of willpower to stop myself. I immediately thought of my loved ones.

After that, I downed an entire pack of sedatives and sat motionless in the hallway for about an hour. It helped somewhat, but I didn’t feel better. I was unresponsive to the staff or to Mark, who rushed to the hospital.

Later, Mark and I went outside. I just bolted out in what I was wearing, crossed the road, got into the car, and in that state, I managed to drive into a curb. (And anyone who knows me and has driven with me knows I’m a super careful driver—this is just not like me at all.) A piece of the front bumper even broke off.

After that, we sat in the car for about an hour. Being in a familiar environment calmed me down a bit.

Long story short, the doctors explained that after everything I’ve been through, it’s no surprise that my mental health took such a sharp turn. It’s been years of struggle, and recently, I nearly died with a tube in my heart. Then, being confined to four walls only made things worse.

They convinced me to stay one more day, and today I’m being discharged. They realized I need to go home to rest and recover from all of this. I’ve been given a referral for hospitalization at the Rheumatology Institute between December 1st and 10th.

Now you know everything. I have to live not only with physical pain but also with a psychiatric diagnosis. How do I manage it all? I believe that the universe won’t leave me alone.

That’s the update and the plan for now.

P.S. On another note, none of my clothes fit me anymore—I’m practically swimming in them. Even with the fluid in my abdomen and swelling, I weighed only 47 kg today 🙈.

Love you all ♥️