Book 7 Chapters 62, 63, 64 (Patreon)

Quick notes. Lots of small changes, which makes me unlikely to finish the maps while things are still in flux. If you notice some inconsistencies with previous chapters, those are likely fixed or in the process of being fixed, but please continue to call them out. There’s some major ones here.

Big ones…. Yarilo was obviously a mistake as I was moving things around. Eris the GODDESS of chaos was summoned. The mistake should be clear at the end of the chapter.

Assuming FUPA wins the current poll, I’ve already added some language to that effect, but the context is obviously winning. Basically there’s going to be a big fight over the name which is going to result in lots of similar names. Other notes… the battalion that can teleport is the 105th, which is split in half. Half already teleported back to the stronghold to help defend the base. The other half is still available at this point.


Chapter 62

Behind me, Elle groaned as she woke up from her unconscious state. Samantha had stayed with her and was clucking over her.

System Message: War Chief Stalwart of the Bone Clan has fallen. Credit for the kill has been given to three members of the War Mage Rebellion.

System Message: The War Mage Rebellion is not an active team. As per the current season’s rules, the team currently occupying their throne room, Team Retribution, will be awarded all their assets. Sections one and two are not connected to Larracos. As such, the King’s Point throne room remains a capturable asset.  

Elle: Sorry guys. That war mage prick snatched the gate right out of my hands.

Donut: I GOT PARTIAL CREDIT FOR KILLING STALWART, BUT THEY DIDN’T SAY IT! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

I rushed over to Elle. “Are you okay?” Rock pieces continued to rain from the sky, landing all around us like burning hail. I kept my tech shield on.

She rubbed her head. “I’m okay. My pride is hurt more than anything. What the hell was all that about?”

“I don’t know,” I said, looking around. Several of the trees were on fire. “We don’t need the gate anymore. We should get moving. We’ll be caught in this fire soon.”

“I need a moment,” Elle said, still panting. “Damn, I haven’t been walloped like that since my bachelorette party.”

I helped the small figure up. She still felt ice cold when I touched her, but now there was a gritty, electric feeling when I touched her skin. I lifted her up, and she remained floating in the air. I was reminded of the first time I’d lifted her, so long ago during the rage elemental attack on the second floor.  

“Carl, they could’ve killed me. That strong one, the elf-looking guy. He pulled back at the last moment. It was almost like he was trying not to kill me.”

“Yeah,” I said. “The mage guy was a dick, but his dot turned white. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know their intentions. Did you see? The system said they have a team name and everything, but they’re not an official team.”

“That’s what I was talking about,” Victory said, her eyes flashing as she spoke. I’d forgotten she was standing there. “We just received notification that there’s a new, non-team entity called the War Mage Rebellion. I still don’t know what that even means. ‘Non-team entity’ is not a thing. At least it wasn’t until just now.”   

“Carl, collect the bodies,” Elle said. “They said the heads explode.”

“Shit, you’re right.” I went about and collected the three war mage bodies. There was nothing left of Stalwart to collect. He had several magical items on him, but nothing truly amazing that I could see, which was interesting. I’d examine it all later.

The bodies all appeared in the Graveyard section of my inventory, which was now almost empty.

“War mages are always up to something tricky,” Samantha muttered as she examined the open, crackling portal. “They’re just mad because nobody likes them.” She seemed nervous as she floated near the gate. She continued to mutter under her breath.

The ground rumbled, and the distant voice of Meatus washed over us. “Stay out of this, Eris!”

This was followed by a psychotic, female laugh that instantly sounded familiar. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” the same voice said a moment later. “I said I didn’t want to come down to other floors! How do I eject? Get me out of here!” She laughed again, and it sounded even crazier. “I’m not the one laughing. Stop! Stop!”

Katia: Oh my god, did you hear that? That goddess sounds just like Hekla when she talks.

Mordecai: That’s Eris, the goddess of chaos. It’s not Hekla. She’s being driven by someone new this year. I don’t know who it is, but it sounds like she just got sucked back into the goddess’s body after that new rule was called. 

Rosetta: Eris is sponsored by Nami. A model and influencer. She outbid the Priory, who usually has a different priestess pilot Eris each season. Nami sounds like that old crawler because she had surgery to make herself look and sound just like her. It’s a thing. Eris herself looks a little like that crawler as well.

Donut: OMG IS THERE ONE OF ME?

Rosetta: They usually wait until the person is dead.

Florin: We need to figure out if we’re being fucked by the NPCs or not. I am toe to toe with a big force that’s now under NPC orders, and we don’t know if we’re supposed to be fighting them or not. I’m pretty sure they don’t know, either. We got demons popping up everywhere, trying to take over the corpses, and we got our hands full either way. That mountain is leaking pretty bad, too. We got flaming, ute-sized rocks raining on us. It sounds like it’s flowing lava right into the river bed which is gonna find its way down here pretty quick. I hope that “Lava abatement team” knows what they’re doing because it’s going to roil right into Larracos.

Donut: THE ALLIANCE IS STILL INTACT. THEY’RE STILL OUR FRIENDS. AT LEAST OFFICIALLY IN THE WARLORD MENU. HALF OF OUR ARMY IS EMBEDDED WITH THEM. BOOMER AND LI NA’S TEAMS ARE ALL MIXED TOGETHER.

Justice Light: You lost the gate? Where did it go? We need that back! I need it! 

Carl: The war mages took it. They teleported away with it! Britney, what the hell is happening with the NPCs?

Britney: I don’t know! Juice Box teleported away!

Donut: FERDINAND SAYS TO WAIT A MINUTE BECAUSE THEY’RE IN TROUBLE WITH THE ADJUTANTS.  

Britney: Okay, Juice Box says to keep the plan rolling. She and Ferdinand have to answer some questions. 

Carl: Yeah, she has to answer some questions all right. Jesus. If she’s still planning on meeting us at the Madness castle, I want her assurances that this plan at least is going to go as planned. Florin, don’t make the first move, but keep your eye on them. Everyone else, report.

Next to me, Victory was still there, but her eyes continued to flash. “Hang on, Carl,” she said just as I sent that last message to Britney and Florin. “Drick just called foul against his own team. I’m still gathering details. We might be able to sue to get the gate pieces back.”

“Just tell me what the hell is happening, and quickly,” I said, eyeing the gate nervously. Elle had accidentally opened it when the volcano blew. The portal would only last twenty minutes, and it had been open already for at least ten. There was no visible timer, even when I examined it. At least the war mages hadn’t teleported away by walking through the gate. The gate was opened to spot number eight, the woods above the Madness’s castle. The plan was for me and Elle to go through it, and then I’d use a standard teleport trap to escape back to Shanty Town when we were done. We weren’t going to use the Feral God gate a third time unless we absolutely had to, so we didn’t need the gate anymore. But we were planning use it, along with Sledge, to help the surviving NPCs.

No matter what happened, when this portal here timed out, a feral god was still going to escape right where we were now standing, so we had to get moving.  

It was only then I realized Justice Light, in his panic, had said he needed the gate. I didn’t know why, or how he’d planned on getting it. Goddamnit, I thought. This was just like with Rosetta earlier when she’d attacked King Rust. Just like with Juice Box and the NPCs making dangerous moves without telling us. People were making plans without communicating them, and they were using me as part of it. 

You’re always on rails, she said. The voice wasn’t as loud as when the floor first started, but I could hear her, down there under the surface of the fast-moving water. It was no longer a river at this point, but a constant, never-ending stream moving so fast, I feared touching it, lest it rip me away. You’re a puppet, dancing on their stage. I’m still here. You just need to untie me.

“Okay,” Victory said. “As far as I can tell, it appears the War Mages broke their own allegiance against the Skull Empire, which they shouldn’t be able to do. They were under strict Conscription rules, but they used a clever combination of Pull spells to kill Stalwart anyway. I think Stalwart might’ve ejected them from his army on purpose in an attempt to get them to stop hurting him. It didn’t work. But after they killed him, they immediately teleported themselves to Juice Box and Ferdinand. Drick has called a foul, but I’m still not certain why. I think he’s claiming illegal interference, similar to what I would’ve called on you if you’d allowed Prepotente to fight on your behalf before he joined up. It’s a bit shaky unless Drick can prove this so-called War Mage Rebellion has been talking with Juice Box this whole time. And even then, if they’re considered an independent entity, I don’t think it’s going to stick. They’ve called a full quorum, so I’m going to the hearing.” And then she unceremoniously teleported away.  

Edgar: Donut, I see Epitome Tagg. He is still near the Dream castle. He did not teleport with his army. He’s with a small contingent of his troops, riding zebras. I think he’s fleeing into the woods. I marked him. He is not the one in the fancy hat. They are trying to trick you. 

Donut: I CAN’T SEE THEM. I DON’T HAVE A SHOT. THE NEW GODDESS LADY IS IN THE WAY. I DO LIKE HER JACKET THOUGH. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM BEETLEJUICE, THOUGH THE SHOULDER PADS ARE A LITTLE TOO GAUCHE. SLEDGIE, WILL YOU BE A DEAR AND FIRE SOME MISSILES AT HIM WHILE HE’S STILL MARKED? MAYBE FIRE SOME OF THE FAST MOVERS ALONG WITH A CHAIN RIPPER?

Sledge: I kill for a living.

If Tagg was fleeing, that meant they were giving up—at least for now—on taking back their throne room. But it sounded like there were three gods rolling around their territory, and maybe they were gambling on the gods forcing the occupying Team Retribution to flee. Tagg was making the safe choice to flee and hide, effectively abandoning his own troops who he sent to attack our base.

The mark would only last a few minutes. Tagg wasn’t dumb. He would probably get away for now, despite the missiles.

More reports flooded in. Tran had taken heavy losses from the magical artillery even though they hadn’t engaged anyone directly. There was heavy fighting at the base against the Dreamers, along with demon eviction starting there as well, like we anticipated. Li Na was segregating out the NPC forces without being obvious about it, in case they suddenly turned. Louis had already docked back at Area 52 and unloaded the kids. He used a precious Emergency Repair scroll to speed up the repair of Party Planner and was about to start his second run.

There was still no sign of the bulk of the Madness or Reaver forces.

Boomer: We can’t wait. We’re in place, but we’re emerging now before this damn tunnel collapses. I have mass invisibility over us, but if they have decent eyes, they’re going to see us. We might have to punch and bite our way there.

Damnit. The 106th magically appearing at the Reaver front door before the feral god emerged defeated the point of the god or demon appearing in the first place. And Louis still needed time to get there to pound their defenses. The good news was the NPC anti-air support could now be set up to cover Louis. We also had an incoming barrage from Bomo and Sledge.  

Carl: Keep an eye on the NPC team. Have them set up their anti-air now. Don’t wait. Louis coming in hot.

Boomer: I’ll make it happen. 

Carl: Okay. Be safe. We’re going through the gate now, but it’s still going to be a few minutes before a feral god emerges. If it is one of those harem demons, Samantha will, uh, hopefully follow your orders on where to lead the thing.  

I moved to a separate chat.

Carl: Bomo and Sledge. Initiate the barrage on the Reaver castle. I know we have 50 set aside for this. Bump it up to 100.

Sledge: Robots go boom. 

“Okay, I’m good,” Elle said, shaking her head. “Let me cast my Subterfuge spell again so they don’t spot us. We need to keep this rolling.” She patted me on the shoulder. “Ready to finally get your hands dirty?”

“Samantha,” I said as we moved to the portal. “Stay here. The gate is going to take a few minutes longer than we planned to close because we won’t be bringing the pieces through. Stay close, but not too close. Boomer is in your chat, and he’ll tell you were to go when that thing chases you. Okay?”

But she wasn’t paying attention. She was looking straight up into the smoky sky. “Ohhh, I know what that is,” she said just as we stepped through. “That’s a dragon!”

Chapter 63

This is an automated status report being sent to all officers of the Princess Posse:

The current known status of all enemy and allied castles, along with the their warlords and forces:

Team Retribution. Castle is still underwater. Warlords Juice Box and Ferdinand are currently in administrative hold while a dispute is adjudicated. Known Team Retribution forces are currently scattered in multiple locations throughout the Faction Wars theater.  

The Bone Clan. War Chief Stalwart has fallen. The Bone Clan has been eliminated, and this is the last status report for this team. All assets have been awarded to Team Retribution. The King’s Point castle is effectively destroyed due to the volcanic eruption, but the throne room remains intact and is able to be captured because it does not enjoin Retribution property. Bulk of former forces, now under control of Team Retribution, are located along the river and former border of sections one and two, currently fighting a demon eviction event alongside the Posse’s 101st Crocodiles, led by General Florin.

The Dream. Castle is currently occupied by forces from Team Retribution with just under six hours until Dream disqualification. In addition, castle is currently under siege by what appears to be a three-way deity fight between Harpocrates, Eris, and the feral god, Meatus. Warlord Epitome Tagg was recently seen fleeing the castle and heading into hiding into the wooded region of their territory. The bulk of the Dream forces are currently engaged at the Posse headquarters, which is being defended by the 104th Naughty Little Piggies, led by Tipid with backup from the 105th Scream Warriors.    

The Madness. The castle remains in Madness Control. Architect Houston’s location is unknown, but intelligence reports he is usually in his Surgical Theater, a fortified room that enjoins both his throne and flag room within the Madness castle. Castle is currently being marched upon by 2/3rds of the 103rd Recon Legionnaires, led by newly-promoted Colonel Bodi with backup and air support from Colonel Prepotente. In addition, Warlord Carl’s SOF unit is about to approach from the southwest following the incoming missile barrage. The location of the bulk of the Madness forces is unknown, but presumed to be housed near or in the castle. 

The Reavers. The castle remains in Reaver hands. The location of Warlord Fang is currently unknown. Castle is currently being marched upon by Colonel Boomer’s 106th Bloody Leeches with assistance from Team Retribution. Air support incoming. Feral god incoming. Location of forces is unknown, but suspected to be housed in the area surrounding the castle. It appears a large biological entity of unknown origin is guarding the castle from above.    

The War Mage Rebellion. **This is a new entry** Little is known about this group, but the system has just designated this as an active force in the area with unknown intentions. This group appears to be made solely of an unknown number of War Mage NPCs, led by a level-100 War Mage named Akuma. This group has no known forces, but they are now in control of the Gate of Feral Gods. Standing orders are to approach with caution and treat as hostile. Priority is given to retrieving the Gate. 

<Note added by Crawler Carl, 25th Edition>

The fourth of our four offensives is against the Viceroys of Team Madness, who I fear are the strongest and most dangerous of the four remaining teams. This attack has five prongs.

Objective: Break into the Viceroy surgical theater and kill Architect Houston.

Secondary Objective: If Houston flees our grasp, we will make our way to the adjacent throne room and hold it for six hours, holding off any attempts to remove us.

This attack is led by myself, and I will be leading the assault directly. I will be assisted by Prepotente, Elle, and Katia, along with a hand-picked team of fighters. Juice Box herself also asked to be involved in this assault, and I have agreed to allow her to meet me at the front door.

The biggest problem with this attack is that the Viceroy castle is no longer vulnerable to diggers. Where the Reavers have excelled in anti-teleport technology, the Viceroys have mastered both biological and anti-automaton spellwork. We don’t even dare have Louis fly overhead. Instead, we’re relying on mass missile sorties to soften the target. If I thought that would be enough, or if we had time to capture the Dream’s real artillery batteries, I would prefer doing it that way. But, because of the nature of the Madness’s abilities, we are forced to defeat them as quickly as possible.

Before Faction Wars even started, Juice Box’s assassination squads claimed the Madness castle was one of the easiest to breach because they had open tunnels underneath them. But once it became clear that the NPCs would be a threat when the games started, the Viceroys were the only team to build a network of effective, subterranean fortifications. Where the naga castle was built on rock, the Viceroy defense is built on terror.

The porous caverns that were originally so easy to breach are now a subterranean mesh of anti-dwarven magic designed to kill the giant robots if they come even close. And they also utilize pockets of a flesh-melting spells and other horrors to stop smaller teams from infiltrating from below. These aren’t traditional traps, but actual pools of magic hidden in sealed pockets—yet another type of trap that I’ve only recently learned about.

As a result, we are forced to make an assault against the least-guarded part of the entire castle.

The front door. 

In the history of Faction Wars, the Madness has never lost their castle via subterfuge or by a small team. They’ve only lost by brute force. I know Tipid, especially, is fearful of their horrific magic. He’d wanted to join this assault, as, I don’t know, some sort of test of himself, but Rosetta has flat out refused allowed him to take part.

Like with the Reavers, we hope a fast, direct attack against them will catch them off guard. They are absolutely deadly against large forces, and they have multiple types of horrific spells that we can’t allow to be deployed. We can defend against most of them individually, but not all of them all at once. That is why we need to move against them as quickly as possible with a nimble team.

*Prong one is Me and Elle. We are going to take the feral god portal to just a few miles north of their castle. From there, I will use a few teleport traps to bring in the rest of the team, which includes Katia and Imani, and we will make our way on foot toward the castle.

*Prong two is a massive missile barrage that will begin after we start moving toward the castle. The bulk of our 1,500 missiles will be used against their castle at this point. These are mostly breachers and trippers, designed to activate and spend defenses. In addition, if their armies come outside, we will spend our cheese cutters on them.   

*Prong three is the remaining 2/3s of the 103rd Recon Legionnaires, now led by Bodi, the spear-wielding, Land War champion who’d fought with me and Donut against the skank skunks during the early part of this war. They will march directly from Shanty Town and will move northwest. Under heavy, heavy anti-psionic shielding provided by Prepotente, they will begin their march toward the castle in hopes to draw the Madness defenders out. They will march until the Madness army approaches, at which point they will pretend to break and flee.

The soldiers of this battalion, mostly consisting of former crawlers, were not happy with this assignment, especially since most everyone is wary of Prepotente and Bianca. Plus, they’re being forced to pretend like they’re cowards. After learning what some of the spells the Viceroys are capable of, I fear they will be in serious peril. Prepotente will continue forward and meet us at the castle once the missile barrage is complete.   

*Prong four is an assault team made of changelings and a few dwarves, led by Juice Box. They have given me five teleportation tokens, and I will bring them to me at the last possible moment.

*The final prong is Donut, who will cast the first of the day’s atrocities on my signal, hopefully dealing with—or at the very least, distracting—the Madness ground forces while we make our way through the castle.

If all four of our assaults are successful, then we will have defeated all four armies at once.

This shit never goes as planned, which is why we have an A to Z list of backup plans in place. I just hope we aren’t forced to go all the way down that list.

~

Entering the territory of the Madness.

You are at war with this team.

Your platoon member, General Elle McGib has cast a Subterfuge spell, and your presence is hidden* from enemy eyes. Do not venture from the area of the spell, or the Madness will be automatically warned of your incursion.  

The spell would hide us, but that goddamned, shining portal had just been sitting here for ten minutes straight. It was dark, and it was in the woods, but if we were unlucky, someone could’ve spotted it. I was half expecting to find a battalion sitting here waiting for us. Luckily, there was nothing.

The first thing I did was send a message warning Louis about the dragon circling the Reaver castle, which I still hadn’t seen. Samantha was already in the chat talking to Louis about it.

We landed right at the edge of the woods, which was the closest we could conceivably get without them immediately knowing we were there. The flat prairies of the Madness spread out in front of us in the night. I couldn’t see the castle in the dark, but it was there, about five kilometers away. The ground ahead glittered with literally thousands of traps that twinkled liked a tapestry of stars. I could see alarm traps, hidden alarm traps, teleport traps, and lots of summons, which wasn’t good. Both monster summons and guard summons. Tripper would activate the summons, and we’d be neck-deep in soldiers.   

“Get that disgusting thing away from me!” a voice boomed across the realm. That was Eris again. This fight was much closer now, but still not close enough to activate my Scavenger’s Daughter patch.

This was followed by a wet coughing, sputtering sound from Meatus.

Donut: THE DREAM CASTLE JUST COLLAPSED!

I was expecting a notification that the NPCs occupying the Dream throne room had been cast away, but it never came, meaning whomever was holding the throne room was riding it out with this whole three-way god fight happening right on their heads.

I returned my attention to the minefield in front of us. The traps sparkled. I figured this would happen, but I hadn’t expected the coverage to be this thick. We’d have to pick our way carefully across the landscape, which would slow us down. I would collect any summon traps I came across. A still-activated summon guard trap was a dangerous liability for the person attached to the other side of that trap, and Justice Light had taught me a really nasty trick with them.

From my inventory, I started to pull the teleport automatons with the second half of the teleport trap on them. I thought for a moment, and then decided to put most away for now, only keeping the Katia, Imani, Holger, and Splash Zone ones out. The traps here were too thick for a larger force. I’d have to risk being underpowered until we got closer to the castle. I sent a message to those four, telling them to come in.    

Samantha: IT’S A BLEACHED DRAKE. THEY’RE VERY CUTE PETS. THIS IS A BIG ONE. THEY HAVE GRAVITY MAGIC.

Louis: Uh, gravity magic?

Samantha: OH, YES. YOUR AIR SHIP THING IS PROBABLY GOING TO GET TOSSED TO THE GROUND. YOU SHOULD ABANDON ALL THIS AND COME HELP ME FIGHT GASH WHEN SHE GETS HERE.  

Carl: Does anyone besides Samantha have eyes on this dragon thing? 

Donut: I CAN ONLY BARELY SEE IT, BUT THE MARK THING DOESN’T WORK. I CAN STILL TRY TO SHOOT IT DOWN, BUT IT’S AT THE VERY EDGE OF MY RANGE, AND IT’S MOVING FAST. IT HAS SOME SPELL ON IT THAT MAKES IT LOOK BLURRY.

Baroness Victory: Paint the Target has a distance limit. It’s not just line of sight.

Donut: WELL THAT’S A STUPID RULE. I’LL TRY TO SHOOT IT.

Carl: Louis, are you in the air yet?

Louis: Just about to take off. I replaced the door gunners with two folks from Bucket Boy’s clinic. 

Carl: Okay, good. But I don’t want you near that dragon. Swing toward Boomer’s position instead and back him up. Don’t approach the Reaver castle until we’ve dealt with the dragon.

The next message came over my private band.

Colonel Boomer: Warlord. We need those bombs dropped. We don’t have No Disassemble missiles. If you call General Louis off his run, that puts the rest of us in danger. I know he’s your friend. But we can’t do this without air support. He’s a good pilot. He knows what he’s doing. Trust your soldiers. You’re not fighting by yourself, son. You need to focus on your own operation, not mine. I’ll try to get close enough to mark the dragon for a missile barrage, but you can’t call off his run just because it’s dangerous.  

Goddamnit. He was right, and I knew it. I took a breath.    

Carl: Louis, belay my last order. Proceed with the plan. Just... just be careful. You have four anti-air missiles. Save them for the dragon. We’ll try to get someone who can see through the clouds with a Paint the Target spell so we can target it with the long range missiles. You might be able to paint it yourself on approach. This is Boomer’s op and listen to him from now on.   

There was a long pause.  

Louis: Okay, Carl. Taking off now.

Bomo: Missiles miss Dream man.

Damnit. Epitome Tagg was in the wind, and we’d have to hunt him down. Even if the NPCs managed to take his throne room, he’d still be alive. That just wouldn’t do, but that was out of my control for now.

Sledge: Missiles incoming Reaver castle.

Donut: MAYBE THOSE MISSILES HEADED FOR THE REAVER CASTLE WILL HIT THAT DRAGON THING BECAUSE I CAN’T.

That was unlikely. The targeted missiles would literally swerve around the dragon to hit the castle. That was how they were designed.

Florin: Mate, demon eviction here is stalling out. Lost a good amount of troops, but we’ve stabilized for now. The NPCs claim to have orders to assist and re-organize the former orc soldiers, and they’re ordering some of them to help reroute the lava flow before it fucks Larracos. Like I feared, the flow is more than they anticipated. They asked for some of our engineers to assist, and I’ve lent them. They’re also currently segregating out all the off-world merc officers from the orc troops. 101st is falling back to Shanty Town. We’ll loop around and offer support where it’s needed, but not until I talk with the NPC general about all these off-worlders they just inherited. I don’t think they know what to do with them, and I’m afraid Juice Box is just going to order them all killed.

Carl: Okay, Florin. Talk to Boomer and Bodi and assist where you can. Good work so far.

Across from me, the teleport traps activated. Katia, Imani, and Splash Zone appeared. The last trap, the one that was supposed to summon Holger, did not summon the were-castor. Instead, it was Dong Quixote. And not just Dong, but he was mounted upon the large swamp yak thing that had once belonged to King Rust. Gonk. 

Dong had his crust sock slung over his shoulder, and he also had another weapon stowed vertically in a leather, holster-like sleeve hanging off the saddle: a glowing, enormously long war lance. Upon the tip of the lance, a flag waved. It was a flag from the 104th Naughty Little Piggies, where I’d reassigned him for this battle.  

“What the hell?” I asked, double-checking my inventory. Dong was not supposed to be here.

And to my utter astonishment, yet another figure also appeared, also mounted on the back of the yak. This was Bigs the sluggalette. The one who’d killed Vinata. Since I’d last seen her, her face/eye paint had changed. She now had a massive teardrop built into the stalk of her right eye alongside the row of piercings. The hatchet protruding from her head gleamed. She leapt off the back of Gonk and splotched into the woods with a loud whoop. She waved the axe. “Imma get my chop on today. Where the bad guys at?”

“Seriously, what the hell?” I asked for a second time.  

Dong gave me a sheepish smile. “Holger didn’t want to leave little Clint and Tina and the other kids. They’re all scared because of the fighting at the castle, and Holger promised to protect them. Miss Nadine, too, who Holger is a little sweet on, I think, now that she’s not a caterpillar anymore. He gave me his half of the teleport trap. Bigs here was talking to another slug, and that one said that Justice Light taught them that if a mount utilizes a teleport trap, the entire mount and all its riders make it through.” Dong turned his head to the side. “Yes, yes. You’re right, Jefferson. It is very cost effective.”

“I called Holger because he’s small. We need to pick our way through a literal minefield. You’re gonna have to leave Gonk here.”

Gonk let out a derisive snort.    

Dong slapped the reins, and Gonk danced sideways like a show horse. The saddled lance stayed straight upward.

“Warlord, I will have you know I am an expert yakman. Gonk here has a light touch, and is a very fine mount, which is why the orc war chief used him. We will not be a problem. I daresay we will have a lighter touch on the battlefield than you will.”

I doubted that, and I was about to object, but I was interrupted by messages I couldn’t ignore. I held up a hand.

Sledge: Missiles hit Reaver castle. Lots blow up just before hit. Don’t know damage.

Donut: THE MISSILES DIDN’T HIT THE DRAGON THING. I TRIED SHOOTING AGAIN, BUT IT’S NOT WORKING. ROSETTA NEEDS ME TO KILL SOME TROLLS AT THE FOOP, SO I CAN’T HELP ANYMORE.

I reread the message from Sledge and thought again of Louis. I had a probably-terrible idea.

Carl: Samantha, can you still see the dragon?

Samantha: YES. HE’S FLYING IN CIRCLES. HE’S VERY MAD BECAUSE SOME OF THOSE MISSILES HIT THE CASTLE. I THINK HE MIGHT’VE STOPPED SOME OF THEM. IT’S STILL STANDING THOUGH. CARL, NOBODY HAS COME THROUGH THIS STUPID GATE YET. TYPICAL GASH. ALWAYS SHOWING UP LATE. SHE AND I HAVE A SCORE TO SETTLE, AND I’M GOING TO ROCK HER WORLD.

Carl: Okay, I’m going to make you an officer. When I do that, it’s going to give you a spell called Paint the Target. I need you to cast the spell on the dragon. Then when it’s done, tell Bomo and Sledge you’ve done it. And for god’s sake, don’t fight the thing that comes out the gate. Run where Boomer tells you to run.

Samantha: BOMO AND SLEDGE ARE BIG NERDS, AND I DON’T WANT TO BE SEEN TALKING TO THEM.

Carl: Goddamnit, Samantha. This is to help Louis. Will you do it?

Samantha: OKAY. BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE.

“Christ, Carl. Can we get on with the suicide mission now?” Elle asked.

“You know, you’re not the only one running this war,” Katia added as I moved though the menus and changed Samantha’s designation to Colonel. “Let Rosetta do some of the micromanaging. That’s her job. And Boomer asked you to butt out of his operation, you said you would, and you just flat out did it again.”

Imani: Seriously, Carl. You can’t be in ten places at once. It’s going to get people killed.

You can’t save everybody.

I took a breath, and then I looked up and grinned at the three women glaring at me. A felt a rush of adrenaline as some of Imani’s buffs took hold. “I am focused. And I don’t micromanage. Dong, okay, your yak can come, but follow directly behind me and don’t stray from the path. Everyone stay inside of Elle’s subterfuge shield. Bigs, get back to the yak. I don’t want you wandering off, and you leave a bright orange trail everywhere you go. Imani, hold up the rear. Splash, stay up front with me. Come on, guys.”

Carl: Bomo, Sledge. Hit the Madness castle now. Hold back some in case we need more for the Reaver castle.

Bomo: Here comes the rain.    

I took a few steps, reached down, disabled an alarm trap and stowed away a summon trap. I examined it, and it would summon a single, specific guard to the location. I grabbed a second summon, and it did the same thing, but the trap was rendered inert because the associated guard was already dead. That was good. That meant these traps had likely been set long ago. A third trap summoned literal fire ants. Ohhhh, I thought, remembering the ants from the Iron Tangle that had eaten that conductor. I took that one as well.  

The Feral God Yarilo has entered the realm.

This deity is too distant to activate your Scavenger’s Daughter. 

Samantha: UH-OH.

Chapter 64

Boomer: Samantha start moving, kid! Angle toward the castle, but not too close yet! 

Samantha: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE. THIS IS A GOD, NOT A DEMON. IT’S YARILO, AND HE DOESN’T LIKE ME! HE’S MAD BECAUSE HE THINKS I HELPED GET HIM TOSSED IN THE NOTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE’S SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ANIMALS. NO OFFENCE, KATIA.     

A loud, androgynous voice bellowed across the realm.

“PSAMATHE! Are you here? We need to talk! Quick! Wait, don’t run! By his left tit, stop running!”

And then, something very strange happened.

“Uh, what is that?” Splash Zone asked, pointing behind us. We all turned to look.

A funnel of prismatic light had burst into the air, blazing straight upward like a beacon. The beacon was so bright it pierced all the clouds. As we watched, it started to frantically wave back and forth like it was the universe’s most powerful flashlight, and someone was shaking it.  

This wasn’t too far, maybe a mile away, deeper in the woods of the Madness territory.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has blinked her eyes, but she does not know what she sees.

“What the hell...” I began.

Quest Update. Find Out Who Killed My Son.

You have been tasked with obtaining the item, Memorial Crystal: Apito. The crystal has just shown itself. Abandon your current task and obtain it.

“Yeah, that’s gonna have to wait a minute,” I said out loud. The crystal, as far as I was aware, was currently in the possession of the crawler Osvaldo, who had—so far—managed to avoid getting added to any army and was riding it out in the woods. Both myself and Prepotente had a quest to get that crystal. Our current raid was more important than whatever the hell this was.

Next to me, Elle shook her head. “You wanted chaos, Carl. If they didn’t know we were here before, they’re most definitely going to come check that out.”

Donut: WHY IS THERE A GIANT RAINBOW?

The light continued to shine and sparkle and shake.

“Do you see the trees?” Katia said. “They’re getting taller where the light is shining through the forest canopy.”

“I think that’s the crawler Osvaldo,” I said, also peering at the strange light. I moved to my skills, checking Find Crawler.

“Osvaldo?” Elle asked. “I remember that fucker. I liked him until he decided to be a little coward and duck our recruiters. He has a whole group hiding out in the woods. He’s not doing a very good job of hiding anymore. Did he mess up a spell or something?”

I grunted, closing out the Find Crawler window. “Yeah, that’s him all right. He has something called a memorial crystal on him, and I’m pretty sure that’s what’s causing the light.”

“I remember that thing. That’s what he and Pony boy were fighting over at the end of the Butcher’s Masquerade,” Elle said. “Prepotente killed his pet. Why is it glowing?”

 I told them about the message from Emberus. “When someone gets tossed into the Nothing, and they escape, the god or goddess that comes to deal with them is usually the one who banished them in the first place. Yarilo was banished because he ruined one of Apito’s Butcher’s Masquerade parties. And since Apito is both dead and not dead, it’s some big dungeon mystery I think we’re supposed to solve. This is all just another clue.”

“Oh yeah, great timing,” Elle said. “That ‘clue’ is going to make the enemy cast every observation spell they have in our direction at any moment.”    

Carl: Osvaldo, put that goddamned thing away! 

Osvaldo: ¡Vai pra puta que pariu! You don’t think I’m trying?

Warning: This message has been delivered, but the log has been sent to your adjutant for review. Osvaldo is unaffiliated with the Princess Posse, and any planning may be construed as illegal corroboration.    

Baroness Victory: Carl, I am very busy right now but I’m not so busy that I won’t call foul. Don’t tempt me.

“Isn’t Yarilo the god of lust?” Katia asked, still staring off at the prismatic beam of light shining straight up into the air. It continued to whip back and forth, like Osvaldo was waving it around. He obviously couldn’t get it back into his inventory.  

“Yeah,” I said. “He’s the god Samantha was pretending to be when she tricked that Mad Dune Mage guy into letting her escape the Nothing in the first place. So he probably does hate her. We gotta get moving.”

I returned to my task, trying not to let the worry about everything else cloud my mind. They were right about me micromanaging everything, of course. I was letting my worry about Louis and Donut and everyone else cause me to pause. I took a few more traps in hand. It appeared there was a solid path ahead, but I still needed a few more minutes. The missile barrage would be on the castle in moments. Hopefully that would distract them from coming to investigate this light and then discovering us.

As if I’d jinxed myself, Elle cursed, and a notification appeared.

You have been observed! Subterfuge has been cancelled! The enemy is aware of your incursion.  

Prepotente: Your army people are marching their way toward the castle, and it appears the plan is working. A large host of Madness troops have emerged and are coming to face us. However, it seems whichever one of you shot that giant rainbow in the air has attracted the other half of the Madness forces, and they are now coming to meet you. Who would’ve suspected that such a move would alert the enemy? Carl, I suspect you about to be in extreme danger.  

I stood up and sighed. Next to me, Elle and Katia also stopped. They also saw the message.

“Plan B?” Katia asked.

“It’s not really Plan B if we don’t have the feral god gate,” Elle muttered. “Can we still summon the other half of the 105th ?”

“We can,” I said. “But we don’t have the protection spells in place, and they might get slaughtered. We can retreat a small force easily, but not half a battalion. Prepotente can help protect them, but not until the 103rd on the other side of the castle retreats. He can’t do both at once.”

“We still have Donut,” Katia said. “And the 105th are the card carriers.”  

I nodded. So much for sneaking into the Madness castle.

I started to pull out the remaining teleport automatons. These would bring 18 more people. That was the total number of the two-part trap modules we could get our hands on, not including the ones Juice Box’s people had. I sent a message to Jurgen, telling him the new plan. He was the current leader of the second half of the 105th Scream Warriors.

Jurgen: Heidi and I are ready to fight. Will teleport to you on your command.

Juice Box herself was still in the adjudication last I heard. I didn’t know what was taking so long, but these things were like mini trials. I’d summon her if she was free in time, but it sounded like we’re doing this without her.

I then sent a message out to Bodi, Prepotente, and Donut.

Carl: Bodi, I’m having you retreat early. Did you finish seeding the field? Prepotente, as soon as they start withdrawing, come to our side. Donut, once they start to fall back, wait for Bodi to tell you he’s clear of the seeds, then do it.

Donut: OKAY, CARL.

Bodi: If Prepotente leaves that quickly, we will lose his psionic protections.

Carl: I know. I am sorry. Do your best. Don’t just fake retreat. Haul ass out of there.

Bodi: Very well. We are almost done seeding the field, and I will order the withdrawal.

Prepotente: I will come as requested, Carl.  

“When are the missiles due to arrive?” Elle asked. “And how much time do we have?”

Both questions were answered just moments later as fire suddenly rained down from the heavens in front of us. Hundreds of missiles, all at once, fell upon the distant castle. A round, semi-circle sphere appeared, stuttered, and then flashed out. The missiles continued to pound into the distant stronghold, which was actually a low rectangle with no battlements. The whole thing looked so unassuming and small, now lit up by hundreds of fires. The missiles would continue to slow walk into the structure, keeping the shield down.

And before the building, between it and ourselves was a large, fast-moving force riding in our direction upon hundreds of dune buggy-like carts, pushing over the dark fields. Marked notifications appeared as Elle started calling in Cheese Cutters. I know on the other side, Prepotente was doing the same. But they wouldn’t be nearly enough. This was going to be a fight.    

A strange calm had settled over us all as we watched.

“Get ready guys,” I said. I looked around and then jumped to work. There were still traps I could grab. “Imani, prepare the psionic shields and salves. I’m going to collect as many of these summon traps as I can before they get here. Splash, get your slick spells ready.”

“I’ll get Graupel ready,” Elle said.

~~~~

Thanks all. Chapters will be getting shorter and faster. Thanks for all your support. More updates soon.