Book 7, chapters 65, 66, and 67 (Patreon)

Hey all. More notes later because I’m in a time crunch to post this, but I will be posting an updated .epub as the changes are getting too cumbersome to just post every chapter.

Many, many of the this-army-is-here-and-this-army-is-there is likely going to go away since most of it will eventually get made irrelevant and will on cause confusion. Nothing has actually changed, so if you’ve been following carefully along nothing too major has been retconned, but we’re about 20K words shorter right now than it was before with a lot more to get cut. A few minor name changes and the plan is tweaked a bit. Also, this is normally part of my regular process, but it usually gets filtered before you see it. But this climax is much longer than usual.

Next post will also have more on the big news where I will happily answer anything I can. And in case you missed the news:

https://deadline.com/2024/08/dungeon-crawler-carl-seth-macfarlane-universal-chris-yost-series-1236045866

Yes, this is real. Yes, the odds that anything is going to happen is still slim, but we are a lot further along the path than most people get. Now onto the chapters:  

Chapter 65

The loud thwum of the 105th Scream Warriors teleporting into place filled the woods behind us. This was followed by a few screams as soldiers teleported into trees, despite the spell’s supposed protection against that exact thing. In addition, their sudden appearance set off a few traps that had been sprinkled in the woods behind us, including four or five guard summons, which did not work out for the unfortunate Madness mercenaries who found themselves alone in the woods with 3,000 Princess Posse troopers staring at them.

Despite a small number of soldiers suddenly finding themselves half embedded in trees, all of them survived the journey. I knew it had to be a relief. They’d been forced to stand in place for hours and hours as the mages cast the grueling Mass Teleportation spell.    

Jurgen landed to my left, the large, blond, barbarian man hitting the ground with a superhero pose.

“Jurgen and Heidi are here!” Jurgen cried, cracking his thick neck as he stood to his full height. He groaned as he arched his back.

All around me, the automatons started crunching as more of our soldiers teleported in individually. They were a diverse mix. Jamal, with his newly-enhanced and fortified legs, landed nearby and did a little hop. Bautista, irritated he hadn’t been summoned as part of the first group, arrived and started talking with Katia. Others included Gluteus Maxx and Doctor Bones, both from the Penis Parade, and Areson the large ogre. Also present were Chris and Clay-ton the cretin. Those last two had been inseparable this entire floor. These were the members of my team. The ones I’d planned on summoning as we approached the castle.

I watched as Imani walked up and gave Chris a quick hug using her wings, not her arms. Chris reached up, as if to touch her face, but stopped just short.

Ahead, the hundreds of troop-laden Madness dune buggies slowed at the sudden appearance of several thousand new soldiers. They came to a stop about a full kilometer away. They started firing flares and torch spells in to the air, lighting up the smoky night sky. Shields started to glow all around the hastily-formed line of enemies.

“That’s a lot of cheese sticks,” Splash Zone muttered.

“More are probably coming, too,” Elle said.  

“Shields up!” I called. All around, multi-hued protections started to glow.

“Everyone,” Imani called, raising her voice supernaturally as she flew up and down the forming line at the edge of the trees. “Keep on eye on the person to your left and to your right. The Madness is known for their mind magic. That and Atrocity magic. If you see someone acting unusual, call it out immediately. They won’t always have a notification.”

“Okay, Scream Warriors,” Jurgen shouted. “You’ve trained for this. Wait for my or Heidi’s command.”  

“Jamal is quite excited to battle with his new upgrades,” the hammerhead shark said, taking my attention as more shields crackled into existence around us. His new legs whirred as he bounced up and down with excitement. “It is a very robust excitement that he has.” He let out a little burst of flame from the new attachment on his underbelly. It was “Velma,” Tserendolgor’s flame thrower. Rosetta’s team in the crafting room had modified it to fit to his harness. “Oh. Please excuse Jamal and Velma.”

“Jesus, Jamal. Be careful with that thing,” I said.  

“Jamal will only flame on purpose from now on. Rest assured, Mr. Carl. Any previous flamings were purely accidental and such a thing will never repeat.”

The flamethrower reminded me of Rend, and I pulled him out as well. He landed in front of me with a loud, ominous giggle. He, too, now had an upgrade, though his was much more subtle than a goddamned flamethrower attachment. Someone had donated a tooth cap, similar to the ones Mongo had for his sharp teeth, but this was designed for mounts. It was called Enchanted Tooth Cap of Hi-Yo Silver. We installed it over his single, round tooth, making the tooth gleam silver. It allowed me, once every ten minutes, to summon Rend to my position. It wasn’t a teleport spell, but it had about a five kilometer range. When I summoned him, he’d get inexorably pulled toward me at great speed. If there was a wall in the way, he’d—possibly—smash through the wall. The skill was somewhat dangerous which was why Donut absolutely refused to put it on Mongo. But for Rend, it would work well, especially when combined with his new Wrecking Ball special ability.        

The name of the upgrade, “Hi-Yo Silver” and not “Heigh-Ho Silver” had caused a great debate amongst some of the crawlers, especially Louis and Elle, and I thought they were actually going to come to blows over it. Louis insisted it was supposed to be “heigh-ho” while Elle told him to shove it. They’d been needling each other over it ever since. Since the phrase came from the old Lone Ranger television show, I was inclined to side with Elle on the matter—plus the AI who had named the upgrade in the first place, though if you’d asked me before this, I would’ve said the same thing as Louis.

The thoughts of this senseless debate filled my mind.

I sat on the ground and leaned my back against a tree. I’d never watched the Lone Ranger show. It was way before my time. I wondered if my dad had watched it. There was another show, called The Rifleman that I know he’d liked, but even that was old for him. I wondered if shows like that had been responsible for his love of western novels. Though, honestly, he’d pretty much stuck with Louis L’Amour books. I was the one who’d spread out to others like Zane Grey and Larry McMurtry, but once I’d discovered sci-fi, fantasy, and horror, those books took kind of a back seat for a while. And then I’d discovered some of the classics, the ones I should’ve read in high school but didn’t, and I realized I would never, ever run out of books.  

I thought of the Christmas present that was still sitting there, unopened in the common room. Neither Imani nor I had opened our presents yet. Mine was clearly a book, possibly two or three books, and I’d been hesitating to open them because I was afraid that...

Slap. You’ve been slapped awake. Endless Thread of Distraction has been dispelled.

Someone was shouting. It was Imani.

“Carl, they’re targeting you. I can’t hold it until Prepotente gets here. Carl, no! Keep your eyes open.”

“Look at his finger!” someone else called. “That ring is glowing red!”

“Get his shirt! Cover that eye!”   

Warning: Your Mind Balance is currently overwhelmed as you are getting absolutely hammered with psionic debuffs.

You’ve been infected with ten more instances of Endless Thread of Distraction.

You’ve been infected with Self Harm.

You’ve been infected with Intrusive Thoughts.  

What am I even doing here? I thought. This is too much. I should’ve known this plan would never have worked, and now everyone under my command is going to die.

If I surrender, maybe they will let them live.

I felt the torrent under me. Not a river. It had never been a river. Voices. Screams. Nightmares distilled to light.

Souls.

And where was it flowing to? Down, was the answer. Always down. Why are they always screaming?  

If the river made no sound, then why was it so loud?  

It’s so loud. It’s so goddamned loud.   

There was more shouting.

“He’s stuck! Look at his feet!”

“Is it the tree? He didn’t teleport, how can he be stuck in the tree?”

Carl. Steady yourself. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. They think your mind is your biggest weakness, but it is the opposite. It is the rock upon which the rest of you is built.  

Whose voice was that? That wasn’t Shi Maria. Nor was it her husband. It was a familiar voice. Male. Friendly. A dwarf? I thought of tendrils worming their way through my body.

I can’t do this. I’m going crazy.

No, Carl. This is the second time I’ve told you that you’re not crazy. You’re family now, after what you did. I will help you. Look. Look at your feet. You’ve been standing in this so-called river this whole time.

I looked down, and I was amazed at what I saw.

Your Mind Balance is now Level 16.

New Achievement! You now tread in the realm of gods!

You’ve trained a skill past 15 using battlefield conditions, as opposed to just taking a bunch of potions to do it. That’s quite the accomplishment. I’d ramble on and on about this, but you’re currently a babbling idiot with your bare feet buried in an All Tree root. So let’s speed up this Empire Strikes Back cave scene bullshit and get back to the action.  

Reward: The skill is the reward. The good news is this level-16 Mind Balance will now wake your ass up.

Good, Carl. Good. She would be proud of you.

Who? I asked, but I snapped awake.

“He’s awake!” Imani called, hovering over me, eyes wide with concern. “Carl, they’re attacking you with every psionic attack they have! Prepotente is almost here, and he can shield you, but he says you need to cast Wisp Armor.”

I stood, but I almost fell because my feet were stuck to the tree. I instinctively pulled, and my feet came away easily, the smell of mulch coming up. But there was rot, too. The tree upon which I’d been leaning was suddenly dead and withered. All around, soldiers shouted as the tree crumbled in on itself.

I whipped around to face the army that stood before us.

“Carl, cast Wisp Armor,” Imani said again.

“No need,” I said as the Emberus ring on my finger cooled. In my interface, dozens of mind-based spells crashed against me, but they didn’t find purchase. I shook my head and grinned. Let them keep trying. None of that was going to work anymore.

I could now see them. The ones casting mind magic. That had come with my skill hitting 16. There were dozens of them, spread around the army before us. Mind mages. I started painting them, one by one, sending out orders to focus on them first.  

Carl: Hit the mages I just painted. Reroute any incoming to these targets.

Bomo: These are the last missiles.

Carl: Okay. Do it. Good work today, both of you. Keep Donut safe.  

“Are we doing this?” Jurgen asked. The large barbarian stood side-by-side with Jamal, who also quivered with excitement. Little tendrils of flame kept leaking from Jamal’s flamethrower. Rend was running in enthusiastic, babbling circles around the barbarian and hammerhead shark.

I held up my hand. “Wait for it.”

I quickly flipped through the messages as we waited. Louis would soon begin his bomb run on the Reaver castle but so far hadn’t engaged the dragon, which seemed content to circle above. Meanwhile, Boomer was pushing against the front door of the Reavers, waiting for Louis’s bombs. Their army still hadn’t appeared. Yarilo was chasing Samantha around in circles. She was heading toward the opposite side of the Reaver castle, much like we were marching on the backside of the Madness castle, but so far, Yarilo hadn’t actually done anything yet except call for Samantha to stop.  

The Dream castle was utterly demolished, but the throne room was still—somehow—occupied by NPCs. Epitome Tagg was in the woods, presumably hiding while the three gods continued to fight in his territory. Apparently Meatus had wrapped his way around Eris and was using the influencer-stuck-in-the-body-of-the goddess of chaos as a battering ram against Harpocrates. Mordecai sent out a warning note that Eris’s spells could affect everyone in the realm at once, but she hadn’t yet cast anything.

Florin was making his way to Shanty Town with his battalion. Tran’s 102nd was rushing to the FUPA to help defend.

And speaking of the FUPA. The whole area was a mess. Demon eviction was ongoing, but it was mostly affecting the Dream soldiers, despite their overwhelming numbers. They were now sandwiched between the stronghold and a rising army of demon-infested corpses.

I moved my attention back to my own assault.   

Carl: Bodi, report your status.

Bodi: We are withdrawing, but they are not pursuing. They appear to have abandoned their pursuit to face you instead.

Prepotente: This is correct. I will be to you in moments, Carl, and I will shield you and the rest of the force. I must warn you all a third force has appeared, emerging from under the castle. They, too, are coming to face you, Carl.

Donut: WHAT SHOULD I DO? YOU’RE NOT DONE YET ISN’T GOING TO WORK IF THERE ARE NO TARGETS. I CAN SNIPE DURING YOUR FIGHT, BUT THE BACK SIDE OF THE MADNESS CASTLE IS JUST PAST MY RANGE FOR ATROCITY MAGIC. WE PUT THE DEAD BODIES ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CASTLE!  

Carl: That’s okay. Stand down.

I’d asked most everyone to give their dead bodies from their graveyards to Bodi and the 103rd.  The plan was for them to drop a metric fuckton of corpses on the battlefield and have Donut cast her wide-range, tower-enhanced, You’re Not Done Yet, which would rip the skin off the corpses, creating literally thousands of fleshers, which would sail across the battlefield at the Madness forces, hopefully overwhelming them. But now the Madness forces had abandoned that battlefield in order to face me,  we’d wasted all those corpses for nothing unless we wanted to get back out there and pick them back up.

Still, I decided that was probably a good thing. The last thing we needed was more War Mages getting made at this point.

Rosetta: Prepotente, be aware you have incoming friendly missiles to your airspace.

This was followed by a string of explosions walking their way across the line of dune buggies. Shields glowed and shattered on the Madness side as the Cheese Cutters went to work. More than half of the mages I’d marked were now just gone.

It wasn’t enough. Still, the attacks against me suddenly ceased. Ahead, the Madness soldiers started to spread themselves out, not aware we were out of missiles.

“WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING!” Meatus shouted in the distance.  

“Leave me alone! Oh my god, this is so disgusting. Why can’t I leave this place?” Eris shouted back. “Harpocrates, help me! Wait... wait...”  

You are invulnerable until the completion of the Chaos Ritual.

Invulnerable? Chaos ritual? I looked down at the yellow radiance of my hands. All around, everyone suddenly had the same glow. Across the battlefield, I could see the enemy army glowed as well. It just came on all at once.

“What the shit?” Elle asked from my left.

What was going on?  

Rosetta: Oh, fuck me. Comrades, hold on!  

Warning. The Goddess Eris has cast Bear Witness in a wide area around her current position. This will only affect those outside of structures. The area of effect is marked on your map, but it’s pretty much the whole floor.

Your Mind Balance has negated Bear Witness.

“What the hell is Bear Witness?” I asked, but all around me, everyone had frozen, like at the beginning of a boss battle. Elle, Imani, Katia. Everyone. Their eyes had gone completely white. I was not frozen. The notification Witness appeared over their heads, followed by a strange symbol I didn’t recognize. It was two Cs back to back with a flaming lance through the middle.

The only people other than myself that didn’t appear affected by the witness spell were Rend, Bigs the Sluggalette, Gonk the yak, Jamal the shark, and Dong Quixote.  

I met eyes with the old stripper. “My goodness,” was all Dong said.

Dong and I were the only ones with the invulnerable debuff. Jamal, Bigs, and Gonk did not have the glow.  

“This is a most unexpected development,” Jamal said.

Rosetta: Everyone. When you wake, you’re going to be all mixed together. Find others from your team and run! If you have teleport escape, only use it if it’s been an hour! I’ll let you know if you can use it. Team leaders, report!

Tipid: I was inside the FOOP, but most of the defenders are just frozen! The Dream soldiers, too!

Kiwi: Tina! Where is Tina? Where is my daughter?  

Tipid: I’m sorry, Kiwi. She got out and was fighting. I see her, and she’s frozen.  

Carl: What’s wrong with them? What’s happening? It’s everyone here except me and the pets and a few others. Donut, are you okay?

Donut: I AM OKAY BUT EVERYONE SURROUNDING THE TOWER IS FROZEN! SLEDGIE WAS STILL OUTSIDE AND IS STUCK BUT BOMO GOT IN AND IS OKAY!  

Li Na: Most everyone in Shanty Town is affected. Those of us inside structures are fine. Li Jun is with me. Zhang was outside. Florin and the entirety of the 101st are affected. It appears anyone who was once a tattoo is unaffected. Same with the sluggalos.

Rosetta: Boomer, Tran, and Bodi aren’t answering, either.

Jesus, I thought. That was almost everyone. If it reached all of Shanty Town and Florin, who was on the other side of the map, then it likely meant all the NPC soldiers inside of Larracos were frozen, too.

Samantha: I AM OKAY TOO. THAT ERIS BITCH CAN’T SUMMON ME. WHERE IS LOUIS.  

Louis: The dragon thing is coming at me! Firing my anti-air missiles now!  

Rosetta: Brace for part two of the ritual!

Before I could even ask what the hell part two was, a new notification came.

Warning: The Goddess Eris has cast Bring Forth the Witnesses.

Warning: The effects of a level-20 Bring Forth the Witnesses has caused a magical backlash over the entire floor. No long-range teleport spells will work for the next hour.  

“Oof” I cried as I was bowled over by Jurgen’s large form. Everyone in the army just rocketed up into the air like they’d all been launched out of trebuchets. The frozen witnesses ascended into the air and disappeared like it was the goddamned rapture.

Across the battlefield, the Madness soldiers also rapidly floated up into air, abandoning their carts.

Warlord Message: The Dream Throne Room has been abandoned. The clock has been reset.

A figure appeared. Bianca the goat dragon landed next to me. Prepotente was not on her back. The thing screamed in fury and jumped up and down, her feet catching the ground on fire. She hissed at me and howled in outrage.

“I don’t know where he went!” I said to the pissed-off demon as I pulled myself up. I was trying not to let the panic overwhelm me. “I think he got brought to Eris, the goddess. She’s by the Dream castle fighting a giant penis and another god.”

Bianca chittered and hissed.

I pointed south.

“That way,” I added.

She angrily chittered again and then burst back into the air, leaving a line of fire on the ground.  

“A most unexpected development indeed,” Jamal added.

Chapter 66

Carl: Tell us everything about this goddamned ritual thing.

Mordecai: Okay. This is exclusive to Eris, and she usually does this on the 12th floor. I’m not sure why she did it now, but it sounds like she’s panic casting things and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Some gods can only claim the Ascendent throne if there are no mortals present, so Eris sometimes causes chaos by summoning mortal witnesses to the ceremony. It’s called the Ceremony of Chaos. The witnesses are protected from the gods during this, hence the invulnerability, and she can keep them in the Witness state as long as she wants. She can also turn the invulnerability off early if she wants. They’re brought to her in a giant pile. It’s... it’s a thing. They’re usually NPCs since most crawlers never make it to the 12th floor. She can only cast this once. Ever.   

Carl: Wait, so everyone that just got summoned is now in a giant pile?

Donut: I CAN SEE THEM. THEY ARE IN A GIANT PILE, CARL! IT’S THOUSANDS OF THOUSAND OF PEOPLE, ALL MIXED UP ON THE GROUND NEXT TO THE DREAM CASTLE. KATIA AND ELLE AND IMANI AND BAUTISTA AND CHRIS AND SLEDGIE AND TOYOTOMI AND FLORIN AND ZHANG ARE IN THERE SOMEWHERE! THE RAINBOW IS THERE, TOO! IT’S JUST SHINING UP OUT OF THE PILE! AND THEY’RE ALL MIXED IN WITH BAD GUYS! I THINK THE WHOLE REAVER ARMY IS THERE, TOO! WEREN’T THEY MISSING?

Carl: Holy shit. When they all wake up, it’s going to be a slaughter!

Rosetta: They are awake. They are witnesses. They can see, but they cannot move. They can’t use the chat. The witness state is mind magic. These god fights can take a long time, and we don’t know when this Eris goddess will get her wits about her to turn the Witness state off.

Donut: CARL, CARL I THINK SHE MESSED UP THE SPELL. THAT FERAL GOD, MEATUS, HE’S INVULNERABLE NOW TOO! SHE ACCIDENTALLY MADE HIM INDESTRUCTIBLE!

Rosetta: Oh, gods. If she realizes what she’s done, she might turn just the invulnerability off. If she does that, everyone in the pile will remain frozen but will lose their safety. Most of them will get crushed to death, or they’ll suffocate!   

Mordecai: We can probably wake them up with an aerosol, but when they’re all mixed in together, it’s going to wake them all up at once. If we break them from Witness, the invulnerability won’t automatically turn off. Not until the goddess does it or until she finally leaves. I’ll get to work.

A chill washed over me. What a goddamned nightmare. If we didn’t free them before the invulnerability turned off, it was going to be absolute chaos. I needed to get there as quickly as possible and start pulling people free.  

But it was thousands of people. Thousands and thousands. By my estimates, maybe 50,000 people.

Half-formed ideas came at me, one after another. If I put a bomb in the middle of the pile, it would scatter them about. But it would have to be a huge bomb. Not the Doomsday Scenario, as that was too huge. And I had to get there. Teleport was temporarily broken. Think, think, think.

Carl: Donut, do you have the invulnerability buff right now?

Donut: I DON’T! WHY, DO YOU?

Carl: Yes. I think only those who were outside have it. It’s just me and Dong. Jamal and Bigs don’t have it. I’m going to have to abandon this and get over there.

Donut: I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. FINISH YOUR MISSION, CARL. LET ME DEAL WITH THE PILE. THEY’RE CLOSE ENOUGH THAT I CAN SEPARATE THEM OUT. THEN MORDECAI CAN WAKE UP OUR OWN PEOPLE.

Carl: What’s your idea?

Samantha: LOUIS, WATCH OUT!

Louis: I’m going down!

I immediately moved to the other chat.

Carl: Louis, report! Report!

Louis: A little busy now, Carl. Feather falling... Party Planner is dead. Ripped in half... Hit the dragon with missiles, and it just pissed it off... It cast a spell, and I tried to dodge. It ripped Party Planner down the middle. Dropped the bombs before they were armed. I’m sorry... They didn’t go off. I’m falling through the air right now. Gonna land right on the Reaver castle... I think my door gunners are dead... Glad Bonnie and Skarn weren’t here... He was right... That cop’s husband. I’m sorry... The feral god is still there a mile west of the castle. I see him just sitting there. Dragon still flying above... I’m going to hit the castle by myself. Tell Katia when she wakes up that I’m sorry to be such a fuckup... I just sent a message to Juice Box, too, but she’s still in that meeting.

Carl: You’re okay. You’re okay. When you hit the ground, get out of there and hide. You can’t teleport, but you have lots of spells. Use your cloud attack and those smoke grenades I gave you.   

Louis: I have a notification that tells me I’m being tracked by Reaver security. I’m fucked, Carl. I’m landing right in the middle of their castle.

Carl: Samantha, go save Louis!

Samantha: ON IT, CARL. THIS YARILO WEIRDO JUST GAVE UP CHASING ME ANYWAY LIKE A BIG WUSSY. GOD OF LUST? I DON’T THINK SO. HE’S THE GOD OF BEING A PERVERTED LITTLE BITCH. MAYBE IF I DRESSED UP LIKE A SLUTTY HAMSTER HE’D KEEP CHASING ME. I WOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITH HIM AGAIN ANYWAY. PROBABLY NOT.

I took a deep breath. There was nothing I could do for Louis right now. He would be okay, I kept telling myself. I needed to focus.

“Carl,” Dong said. “Jefferson and I have been talking, and I believe he is correct. We should seize this opportunity and make haste to the Madness castle while the enemy army is gone. They likely do not know we are here, and we can proceed with the plan.”

“Yeah!” Bigs announced from the back of Gonk. “We can take them!”

Jamal did a little jump and expelled a gout of flame.

I was torn. They were right. Plus, if one more warlord fell then the final phase would begin. I felt numb and sick. It had all happened so fast. One moment, we were facing the army, and in seconds, everything had changed.

I came to a decision. I needed to focus and trust the others. I couldn’t do anything about Louis. I couldn’t do anything about the others at the Dream castle. But I could do something about the castle right in front of me right now. Donut, Rosetta, and Mordecai were smart. I was sure they could come up with a sound plan to help as many people as possible.  

System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has committed an atrocity.  

Donut: WELL, I NEVER. THAT WAS VERY RUDE.

Carl: What was that?

Donut: IT’S A TWO-PART PLAN. ONLY SOME OF MY ATROCITIES ARE ABLE TO SEPARATE OUT THE BAD GUYS, SO FIRST I GOTTA MOVE THE PILE TO WHERE ALL THE DEAD BODIES ARE PILED UP. PLUS IT’LL GET THEM AWAY FROM THE GOD FIGHT.  

A horrible realization dawned on me. I felt sick. I knew exactly what she’d just cast.  

Carl: Holy shit, Donut.  

Donut: UH, WHOOPS. THAT WAS UNEXPECTED.

Carl: What, what?

Donut: MEATUS GOT PULLED IN, TOO! AND SINCE HE IS STILL WRAPPED AROUND ERIS, SHE’S ALSO PART OF IT! IT SAYS THE GODDESS IS UNCONSCIOUS! HOW CAN A GODDESS BE UNCONSCIOUS? NOW HARPOCRATES IS TRYING TO HIT THE BALL! BUT HE’S AFRAID OF THE RAINBOW FOR SOME REASON. THE RAINBOW LIGHT IS JUST SHINING STAIGHT UP IN THE AIR, BUT IT'S STROBING NOW LIKE A DISCO LIGHT. THE BASE PART END OF THE WEENER IS HANGING OUT OF THE BALL AT THE OTHER SIDE. I SEE THE GREMLIN GUY AT THE END! HE’S AWAKE AND SCREAMING!

Rosetta: Ball?

Mordecai: Donut, what the hell did you do?

Donut: ROLLING BATTLE FORMATION. I GOT THE SPELL FROM THAT SKUNK’S HAT! YOU KNOW, THE STINKY WIZARD HAT? IT’S AN ATROCITY SPELL, AND THE TOWER MAKES IT REALLY POWERFUL. I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT POWERFUL! BUT I CAN TELL IT WHERE TO ROLL! I CAN DRIVE IT LIKE A REMOTE CONTROL. IT’S, UH, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BIG.

Carl: How long does it last?

Donut: IT SAYS UNTIL IT SUSTAINS ENOUGH DAMAGE!

Mordecai: Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me you just made a ball of swine, but out of everyone? Including two gods? There has to be fifty thousand people in that thing! And the system just let you do it?   

Donut: IN MY DEFENSE, I DIDN’T KNOW THE DINK WAS GOING TO BE SUCKED INTO THE SPELL, TOO. THE BACK END IS JUST SLOPPED OUT THE BACK LIKE THE BALL FORGOT TO ZIP UP.

Chapter 67

The enormous ball of flesh flop-rolled over the fields, and Harpocrates followed. It would take some time for the ball to get to its destination, which was the field of corpses just on the other side of the Madness castle where I now stood. I turned my attention to the castle in front of me, plotting a route through the field of traps. I eyed an acceptable path. “Rend,” I called. “Into your carrier!”

The meatball was as tall as my waist and could now run pretty fast, but with my newly-enhanced speed, there was no way he could keep up. He started to giggle in protest, and I promised to free him again when we arrived.  

I took an Invisibility potion, and then I tossed one onto Jamal and a second onto Gonk. To my surprise, that affected everyone riding the mount. They turned to an outline. Jamal hopped up and down.    

“Stay on me,” I called back at Dong, who spurred Gonk forward. I knew Dong had the Twinkle Toes spell and could keep up. The yak grunted and started moving. Jamal, too, could now move terrifyingly fast with his mechanical spider legs.

Donut: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO KEEP THE MUTE HARPO GOD GUY AWAY FROM MY BALL. HE’S GOING TO BREAK IT OPEN TOO SOON!

Carl: Maybe that’ll be a good thing if he breaks it open now. They shoot all over when the ball breaks!

Donut: I’M TRYING TO WIN THIS WAR, CARL. WE NEED THEM COMPLETELY SEPARATED AND AWAY FROM THE GOD.

Carl: That’s not going to happen if Meatus is stuck in there.

Donut: OH LIKE YOUR PLANS ALWAYS GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH. JUST LET ME GET THEM TO THE CORPSES. SOMEONE DISTRACT HARPOCRATES.  

As others started fielding suggestions, I kept an eye on the chat with Louis and Rosetta as I rushed toward the Madness stronghold. I was fighting the urge to continually distract Louis with suggestions. He had landed atop the flat Reaver castle and was now running, casting a smoke cloud behind him. He hadn’t yet engaged with any enemy, but he’d managed to secure a handful of unexploded No Disassembles and Waffle Makers into his inventory. He had no way of setting them off without blowing himself up. They had to be unstable as fuck. Louis did not have invulnerability.

Samantha was on her way toward him.

The yellow glow of invulnerability remained pulsing on my own arms. Only Dong had the glow as well, and I wondered on that. I knew the system considered the sluggalos and the former tattoos as a different kind of crawler, which was why Bigs and Jamal hadn’t been affected. Pets, too. But Dong Quixote was one of the strippers. Splash Zone and Doctor Bones and Gluteus Maxx had all been pulled into the pile and were now part of the massive battle formation. So why hadn’t it worked on Dong, too? I didn’t know.  

The Madness castle loomed.

As far as buildings went, this one was pretty small. It wasn’t as tiny as the castle Empress D’Nadia had erected, but it was a smaller, rectangular building, like the size of a regular supermarket. I knew there were multiple barracks buildings around the castle I couldn’t see, buried in the ground. I also knew the ground under the castle was porous. Good for one or two people to burrow up into and infiltrate, but not ideal for the diggers, which was why Juice Box had assigned one to the Dream castle instead...

That gave me an idea.  

Carl: Britney, have them use the digger under the Dream castle to try to distract Harpocrates! They have these giant goddamned robots and they haven’t done anything yet with them.  

Britney: Uh, okay. I’ll try. Arief controls them while Juice Box is away. I’ll ask.

Carl: For fuck’s sake, Victory. You’re not done with your meeting yet? Juice Box is missing the war!

Baroness Victory: Carl, trust me on this. You want this trial to go on as long as possible. We’re stalling on purpose. We will stall until the AI gets so pissed, it ends it.

I didn’t know what the hell that meant.  

Donut: IT’S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN JUST A GIANT ROBOT TO DISTRACT THAT GOD. HE’S TRYING TO GET HIS STOLEN WEENER BACK. GUYS ARE PRETTY SINGLE-MINDED WHEN IT COMES TO THAT SORT OF THING. WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA. UH, LI-NA’S PEOPLE. COVER YOUR EARS.   

According to Juice Box’s team, there was a hidden door against this back wall. We angled toward that. Behind me, Dong grunted as they stepped on a summon trap. It misfired because the teleport ban, which was good because it had been a Summon Face-Melting Acid Rats trap.

I knew the castle was surrounded by a few protections we couldn’t avoid, and at any moment...

You have been deshrouded! Your invisibility has been negated by the castle’s protections!

“Oh well,” I said as I reached the hidden door. It wasn’t truly “hidden” so much as painted the same color as the rest of the building. It had three traps on it, and I disabled them all. It was actually a rolling, garage-style door, likely the same door some of the troops had come out of when they’d come to face us. The door was wide enough that Dong wouldn’t have to dismount or even lower his lance. The door wasn’t meant to be opened from the outside, but I grabbed the bottom, and I strained. There was a pop, and the door slid upward, revealing a large room, empty of people. A line of those dune buggy things sat up against the far wall. An alarm klaxon started to sound, but it immediately cut off.

I pulled Rend back out and set him free. He took a few tentative steps into the Madness castle and giggled.

Donut’s voice echoed over the battlefield, amplified by the massive PA system. There was a shriek of feedback as Donut cleared her throat. She added reverb and a little bit of delay to her voice as well.

“HEY, DICKLESS,” she bellowed. “IT’S GONE. YOU’RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO PUT IT BACK ON. AND HONESTLY, DO YOU REALLY WANT IT BACK AFTER ALL THOSE PEOPLE TOUCHED IT? IT SMELLS REALLY, REALLY BAD NOW.” She paused. “YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I’M TALKING TO YOU. SO STOP TRYING TO GET BACK. YOU SHOULD JUST ACCEPT YOUR BODY HOW IT IS. I HAVE A SONG FOR YOU. MY FRIEND LIL WAYNE WROTE IT. IT’S ABOUT WEENERS.”

Topping at number one on May 3rd, 2008, it’s “Lollipop!”      

The very ground shook as the distant sound reached us.

Donut: IT’S WORKING! HE STOPPED! HE’S COVERING HIS EARS!  

Carl: Goddamnit, Donut. What did we say about pissing off gods?

Donut: I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THE INSULTS BECAUSE MORDECAI SAYS HE’S NORMALLY A NICE GOD, BUT HE’S TRYING TO HURT OUR FRIENDS. BY THE WAY, THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF A BASS-HEAVY SONG, CARL. FEEL HOW THE GROUND SHAKES? IT’S DESIGNED TO UPSET OLD PEOPLE AND THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN.   

Britney: The digger is coming!

Donut: OH, GOOD! I’LL START A BATTLE PLAYLIST. THE BALL WILL GET TO THE CORPSES IN LIKE TEN MINUTES. PEOPLE MESSAGE ME YOUR SONGS.

Thankfully, the music wasn’t that loud from here. Behind me, both Jamal and Bigs were bouncing to the distant song. Dong looked annoyed. His eyes flashed, and I suspected he was sending a song request to Donut.  

“Come on, guys,” I said. “Let’s try to clear this as quickly as we can, and we can be nearby when the others get here.”

“Oh, are the others coming back?” Jamal asked.

“Uh, sort of,” I said, stepping into the castle.

Entering the Castle of the Madness.      

~

I cast Ping.  

The submarine-like sonar sound echoed out, revealing that the castle had about twenty soldiers within. Of the twenty dots, only three were purple, indicating them as offworlders. That was it. Eighteen of them were in a room just around the corner. Two—one white and one purple—were in a room adjacent to the throne room.

That was the operating theater. That would be where Architect Houston spent most of his time, and that purple dot was likely him.   

Your Book of Voodoo has updated with three entries.

I paused at that. I opened up Find Crawler, clicked a few buttons, and a list of three crawlers appeared. The moment that happened, four additional dots appeared on my map. Three crawlers and the corpse of a crawler. Two of the crawlers were mixed in with the 18 other soldiers. Those two both had the light blue glow, indicating they were in the Madness military, likely under a Conscription spell. The third crawler did not have the glow, and they were in the room with Architect Houston and the white NPC dot. The corpse was also in there.

I focused on the corpse. Corpse of Crawler Zeynep, level 58. I wasn’t close enough to examine her further. I sighed. I knew her. I’d had her in my chat, but we hadn’t spoken at all on this floor.

I’d met her on the previous floor during that clusterfuck of an assault on the Desperado Club when we’d assassinated Astrid. Zeynep along with three other members of her party had been dancing at the club, and I’d tried to get them to leave. The sole male of the group, a large, burly man named Emir had been drunk, and he’d attacked me. I’d whipped his ass and got them to leave. Zeynep had been the voice of reason during the whole confrontation.  

But the group that was now here was different. It was the same two women who’d been at the club, but the man—Emir—wasn’t here. The two women were conscripted and mixed in with the group. I didn’t have either of them in my chat.

The third living member of the group was someone that was off and on the top ten, and I did have her in my chat, though we’d never really spoke. I’d met her briefly during the Butcher’s Masquerade. Burcu. She was a badger-headed porsuk, and her class was swashbuckler, same as both Tran and Bautista. I was pretty sure that she, too, had a quest involving the memorial crystal that was now stuck in the middle of the giant, rolling ball of crawlers. She’d been part of the fight to grab the thing.   

She wasn’t moving, and she did not have the blue glow of conscription.

Then, I realized the NPC that was in the room with her and Houston had a green glow, indicating them as someone from Team Retribution. For a moment, I feared some sort of double cross, but just as I thought that, the NPC dot turned to the X of a corpse. It wouldn’t let me examine it. I sent a quick note to Britney, and then I opened a new chat.   

Carl: Burcu, I know we haven’t talked, but can you see this?  

Warning: Because of repeated warnings, this message has not been delivered, and the log has been sent to your adjutant for review. Burcu is unaffiliated with the Princess Posse, and any planning may be construed as illegal corroboration.    

I growled.

Your Book of Voodoo has been updated with an entry from Crawler Burcu.

Huh, I thought. I pulled the book from my inventory and quickly flipped through.

I went to the entry page for Burcu, which was the last page of the book. It wasn’t an entry directed to me, but she was rapidly drawing a map of the surgical theater. My eyes took in the line of Xs with the notification “Fireball traps” over them. She started to rapidly write something about Houston, but before I could read it, the book slammed shut on its own, like it was possessed.   

Warning: This is still cheating, you clown. Nice try, though. I do like a good loophole, but you need to be using this damn book for something else.

Outside, the song changed to something else. I missed the title, but it was a guy talk-singing about a detachable penis.

Donut’s voice boomed over the PA, now mostly muted since we were inside the castle. “THIS SONG WAS A TERRIBLE CHOICE, CHOI MI-SEON 2. IT’LL GIVE HIM THE WRONG IDEA.”

Carl: What’s the god doing now?

Donut: HE WAS COMING TOWARD ME, BUT THAT STUPID SONG CHOICE MADE HIM TURN BACK AROUND. IT’S OKAY, THE BALL HAS A BIG HEAD START NOW AND I THINK THE DIGGER IS COMING.  

On the map, the group of dots shifted. All of them, including the two crawlers started moving in our direction. At the same moment, a list of psionic attacks started spamming across my interface. None stuck. None of us seemed affected.  

“They’re coming,” Dong said.

Rend giggled, his voice now deep and terrifying.

The group rushed into the room, and stopped when they saw me and Dong. I held out my hand, which still glowed yellow. None of them had the invulnerability.

“Well, this is going to be fun,” I said.

~~~~~~~

Thanks for your continued support.