Book 7 Finale Extravaganza. (2 of 3) Chapters 83, 84, and 85 (Patreon)

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Chapter 83

“Okay everyone. We have about an hour left to figure out the issue with Louis before the soldiers take the Dream castle,” Edgar said as they wheeled out Kiwi and her new babies. He stood upon another bed so he was even with Louis. “Let’s work the problem. Juice Box, can you tell if the presence is in a specific place?” 

“No,” Juice Box said, pulling her hand away. “It’s very, very strange. I can sense the lungs and the heart. I can feel Tagg there. They are a symbiote, in a way. We can rip open his chest and take his heart and lungs, but no healing potion will fix that. He would instantly die. And the moment we move in, I fear the presence in him would react.”

Samantha had left the room but was now back, hovering over all of us. She’d rushed outside, but when she returned, she seemed a little upset and hadn’t said anything.

“Okay,” Edgar said. “Anybody have any ideas?”

Victory and Fopsy both appeared in the room with a crack.

“Where have you been?” I asked.

“In a virtual meeting of the Syndicate Council,” Victory said. “We’re only back because the AI was throwing a fit about us missing all this. They’ve just called a No Confidence vote on Glory, and that’s happening right now. There’s a bit of an upheaval out there. People are suddenly accusing everyone else of secretly being agents for the Reavers.”

“Is he?” I asked. “You know what, nevermind. I don’t give a shit.”  

“He’s not as far as I’m aware,” Victory said, ignoring my statement that I didn’t care. “What’s more interesting is the possibility that the Dream are all Reavers.”

“They’re not,” Juice Box said.

She nodded. “But the fact Tagg decided to secretly start moving toward the post physical form path is interesting. I could see why he’d keep any association with the Reavers a secret. They’re two of the largest consumer-goods manufacturers in the galaxy. The Dream provide food, and the Reavers build just about everything else. An alliance would be a mega-monopoly, and the only reason why the Reavers don’t have a foothold in food production is that people don’t trust them with it. The Dream is hardly better with their food licensing agreements, but people don’t have to worry about being shepherded toward singularity. And even more interesting is that Glory apparently knew. The Dream and the Syndicate security just started shooting at everyone for no apparent reason, and we have spacecraft crash-landing all over the Earth’s surface right now.”

Victory thumbed over her shoulder at Fopsy. “And if the vote goes a certain way, this guy here might actually be the Prime Minister again, which is doubly interesting because he's the Dream’s adjutant. You’d think he’d know if his client was a robot.”

“I had no idea,” Fopsy said. “No inkling whatsoever, but it does make sense now considering some clues.”

“Guys,” I said. “Again. I don’t give a shit. I just want to help Louis.”

Victory nodded. “As far as rules are concerned, Tagg will still be killed the moment Team Retribution takes that castle. Whether those organs keep working in General Louis is really up to Tagg.”

“Is there any path of negotiation where he can surrender and survive?” I asked.

Victory shrugged. “The rules are pretty clear. If he’s not on the floor anymore, he will forfeit and still live. But unfortunately, the crawl rules supersede, and his host can’t leave the floor. Louis can’t leave.”

Damnit, I thought. “Can he abdicate? Team Retribution had about 200 crawlers as soldiers, and they were able to leave and join us.”

Victory shook her head. “No. He’s literally the only one left, and he’s the warlord.”  

“So it’s impossible,” I said.

“It appears that way, yes,” Victory said.     

I sighed, turning my attention back to Louis.

We had his jacket open and his shirt up, revealing his bare, pale chest. He’d been completely split open, but the scar was gone. His Donut Holes shirt was still there, and because it was magical it wouldn’t break. But it was now stained with blood.  

“I can fix him,” Samantha said.

“Let’s talk to the elf again,” I said to the group. “See if he has any ideas or demands.”

Warlord Carl: Okay, Tagg. Tell us what you want.

Epitome Tagg: It’s quite simple, Carl. Get me to the 18th Floor. I will have a new body grown for me, and we will grow replacement organs for your friend here, and we will do a swap. He will be out of the dungeon, and I will be back in control. We both get what we want.

Warlord Carl: We can’t do that. Not with that action item that will force you to die once we take your castle. I just confirmed this with both my adjutant and yours. And as much as I love Louis, you have to know I’m not willing to kill everyone else in order to save him.

Epitome Tagg: We’ll have to finish the procedure at the Reaver castle. Fang was being an ass and wasn’t going to allow the brain implant until he, too, was free. We will keep your friend’s brain intact, and it can be reimplanted. Once that happens, I will have control, and he will cease to be a crawler. Not if his brain is physically out of his body. We know what you’re planning on doing with the NPC team. With the Zerzura spell, which will take the city of Larracos to the 12th floor. I will go with them.

I paused at that, and I exchanged a look with Donut. The guy truly was in the dark. He had no idea the castle had been nuked and even if we wanted to go with that crazy plan, it was now impossible.

I was hoping he’d have an actual, viable way to get Louis out.

“Fuck,” I said. “Mordecai, is there a way to knock his ass out so he’s, like, asleep when the timer expires on his castle?”

“I don’t think so. If he’s out or disabled, the lungs and heart stop. Again, maybe we can kickstart the organs if Tagg dies. Maybe. It depends on how the system decides to kill him. But he clearly has access to his warlord page meaning he sees how much time he has left. He will take Louis out with him.”

“Doesn’t he still own the Vengeance of the Daughter show?” Donut asked. “Maybe we can get...”

“No,” Victory said, interrupting her. “He has no outside communications anymore. That was your doing, if you recall.”

“I have an idea,” Samantha said. 

“We need to stall him. Make him think we’re going along,” I said. 

Warlord Carl: Okay, Tagg. We’ll take you to the castle. But I want assurances you’ll keep your end of the bargain with Louis.

Epitome Tagg: I want a show of good faith. Remove the Team Retribution soldiers from my throne room.

Warlord Carl: Let’s see if I can convince her.

“Okay,” I said. “I’m still waiting for ideas, folks.”

Samantha flew right up to me and bit me on the nose.

“Ow! What the fuck, Samantha!”

“Carl,” she said, sounding serious and morose. “I think my child is dead. I think she died in the acid. I felt her, and now I don’t feel her anymore, and it is my fault. I should have gone to save her sooner, but I did not. I was too caught up in my own lust and anger, and now I have lost my only child. I have failed as a mother.”

“Uh,” I said. “I’m... I’m sorry about that? Are you sure she was actually down here?”

She shook her head sadly. “She was here, and I felt her, but now she’s gone. It’s actually Tish’s fault, I’m quite certain, which is why after this is done I am going to plant the nuke I stole from Buster up at the college. But that’s not the important part here. The important part here is that I know how to save Louis.”

“Goddamnit, Samantha,” I said. “You have a nuke up your neck hole?” I actually had one, too, still attached to one of the dogs. But I wasn’t about to tell her I had one of the dangerous robots. “You will not be nuking anyone. Tell us your plan on saving Louis.”

Samantha sniffed. “The flesh golem body you have in your inventory. Of Princess Lunette. She has a good heart and lungs. If you swap them out fast enough, you can save Louis.”

“Holy jeepers,” Mordecai said. “That’s... that’s actually a great idea.”

“Of course!” Edgar said. “That was originally my tattoo. I had forgotten she’d turned it into an incomplete flesh golem.”

“It won’t work outside the dungeon,” Victory warned. “Louis will need to make a pretty expensive deal to survive, but if the alternative is death.” She let it hang.   

“But it’ll work?” I asked. “Isn’t like a heart transplant a super complicated procedure?”

“How is Samantha a floating head, but Louis can’t live with stupid lungs and a heart?” Donut demanded. “This is so inconsistent!”

Mordecai turned to Juice Box. “Do you really have a Fleshmancer form?”

She immediately changed to a tall, dark-skinned humanoid figure. A male figure. “We will need powerful healing potions and a chest spreader,” she said, her voice now deep.    

“I still have a Mordecai’s Special Brew on me,” Donut said.

“Wait.” I held up a hand. I turned to the sex doll head. “Samantha, I’m sorry about your daughter. Maybe she’s not really gone.” I had a sudden thought. What was it that War Mage had said? They’d found and taken the Scavenger’s Daughter. Could that possibly be Samantha’s daughter? And if so, did that mean Samantha was really the scavenger? I still didn’t know who that was. I really needed to sit down and figure all this out. But for right now, we needed to save Louis. “If we do this, that means you won’t get your body back. At least not for a while.”

She nodded solemnly. “I know. It’s okay. Louis deserves it more than I do.”

I patted her on the head. She was still burned to a crisp, and little flakes of crap fell off her.

“That’s... very brave and strong of you. That makes you a hero, Samantha. And I’m very proud of you.”

She sniffed. “I don’t always mess things up, right? I’d like to think maybe I can be a good influence sometimes and not someone who ruins everything, which is what King Blaine said to me and what my father said to me and what my mother said to me before they all cast me out.” She blinked up at me and Donut, who’d returned to my shoulder. “I used her, my daughter, to get what I wanted. I ruined everything.”

“It’s okay to be a work in progress,” Donut said. “Thank you for helping to save Louis.”

She nodded. “I may be a neglectful mother. I may have had an indirect, possibly direct hand in the death of Geyrun, but a girl can find forgiveness, right?”

I sighed.

“You did not just fucking say that out loud.”

“What?”

System Message: Emberus has entered the realm. 

Chapter 84      

66 Minutes Until the destruction of the 9th Floor.

“Fuck,” I said, jumping to my feet. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Guys, change of plans!”

Quest Update: Find Out Who Killed My Son.

This so-called Psamathe claims she was part of my son’s death. Capture her for me, and I will personally handle the interrogation. Once I have finished grilling her, I will cleanse this world in fire to remove the stink of this murderer’s presence. 

If she is not within my presence in 66 minutes, this world will be destroyed in fire and lava and wrath.

Fly, martyr. Bring my enemy to me.  

Nobody had yet reacted.

“We’re doing this. We’re doing it now!” I shouted.

“What? What?” Donut asked.

Even though Emberus was clearly on the other side of the map, it was already getting warmer.   

“Wow. I wouldn’t have opened my heart if I’d known you were going to be all dramatic about this,” Samantha said.

Tran: Uh, guys? There’s a new, very, very large and pissed-off looking god in the distance.  

Tran was still out in the field, guarding the remains of the Dream castle.

New Quest. This is How the Gristle Grinds.

This is a team quest. All crawlers and all active combatants of the Princess Posse will receive this quest.

There is no host to this quest. Nobody can opt out of this quest.

Ha! And you thought these quest things went by the wayside on this floor. Sorry to disappoint you, you soon-to-be toasty bitches!

Here’s the problem. A very angry god that many of you are familiar with has just entered the realm. His name is Emberus. His son, Geyrun, was murdered. It’s a big mystery that probably isn’t going to be solved today, even if any of you bastards do survive this. But a demigod named “Samantha” has just admitted to having taken part in the crime. Emberus, being the loving father he is, has come to the realm to question this demigod. Regardless of what Samantha says to him, Emberus is going to turn the entirety of the 9th floor into a cremation chamber.

This will happen in at least 66 minutes, but your cremation may be delayed slightly if Samantha actually shows up to the interrogation.

Regardless, everything and everybody on this floor is going to die. This is not something that can be stopped.

That is, unless you manage to kill Emberus, which as we all know is possible, but unlikely.

So here’s the quest part. You need to win faction wars. You gotta do it fast. And once you do that, get the hell out of there before the world goes up in flames. 

This event supersedes any other events, but Faction Wars rules are still in effect.

Reward: All survivors will be given one year off their indentureship contracts should they accept a deal upon the next floor. This is good for the first negotiation only. Also, all food boxes will be upgraded with the “extra toasty” option.

“You know what, Carl,” Elle said. “Sometime in the near future we need to sit down and do a solid positives and negatives analysis of letting you keep that pet sex doll of yours.”

“Like you never accidentally triggered an apocalyptic event, Elle,” Samantha muttered.  

Carl: Everyone haul ass back to the city. This is not a drill. We’re doing this. T-minus 65 minutes until level collapse!

Tran: Are you fucking kidding me?

Carl: Get back here now.

“Katia!” I called. The orchid in her inventory took exactly 60 minutes to work.

We had 65 minutes. “Eat the orchid. You have to do it now. Now, now, now!”

“But...” she began.

“Carl, we haven’t had the chance to say goodbye to her!” Donut cried. “I thought we had days left!”

The moment Katia took the orchid, she would be rendered unconscious for an hour. And afterward, the goddess would appear

Katia looked panicked. “I haven’t transferred all my inventory away yet!”  

“I know. I’m sorry,” I said. I grabbed her hands. “You have to eat it. Now.”

“But I have stuff in the safe room that I really need...”

“This isn’t goodbye,” I said, taking a moment to put my forehead against hers. “This is how we win. Remember the plan. This is your plan. You already gave Donut that one thing, right?”

“I did, but...” She seemed to resign herself. “Remember how I said you were going to Carl it up?”

“Yeah, this one is on Samantha,” I said. “Now eat the orchid.”

“I love you,” Katia said. She raised her voice. “I love all of you.”

Warlord Carl: If you are not in Larracos, get your asses in here now.

Justice Light: Tell me what is happening!

Carl: In 65 minutes, Emberus will melt this entire floor.

Justice Light: Oh. Is that all?

Carl: Set your trap or whatever the hell you’re doing and get to Larracos.  

Justice Light: The trap is already turned on. It has been turned on for days now.

Carl: Good. Now get here!

I whirled, pointing at Juice Box and Mordecai. “You guys. Do Louis. Now. We can’t leave if we haven’t actually won. How long will it take?”

“Thirty minutes,” Mordecai said.

“Then get moving. Juice Box. Get your people to safety.”

She nodded.

System Message: Forces from Team Retribution have abandoned the throne room of the Dream.   

To Victory, I said. “The moment we win, how long before the stairwells appear?”

“Immediately.”

“Actually, it’s about ten seconds,” Fopsy replied.

“And where do the stairwells appear? Here in the funnel?”

“I can’t tell you that, Carl,” Victory said.  

“It’s here,” Rosetta said, striding into the tent, followed closely by a bewildered looking Tipid. “There will be several right here in a ring around where the castle currently is. The moment Factions Wars is won, the 72 hours countdown appears for level collapse and the stairwells generate.”   

Imani grabbed my shoulders. “We don’t have enough time! Carl, it’s 60 minutes for her to be unconscious. The actual ceremony is probably going to take another ten.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m gonna have to stall a little bit. Samantha, don’t go far!”  

“Wait,” Bautista said. “We are not prepared! I need... I thought...”

“Eat the fucking orchid,” I cried at Katia.

“Okay, okay, I’m doing it,” Katia said, pulling herself up onto the same table Kiwi had just given birth upon.

“No,” Donut cried. “No, I need to say goodbye properly!” Donut leapt to the table, but by the time she landed, Katia was already out. She was knocked out, and her health was down to 1%. She had Waiting for the Goddess over her head.  

“No,” Donut said.

System Message: The Orchid of Eileithyia has been consumed. The goddess has been summoned. 

Huanxin Jinx would get here two minutes before Emberus would melt this world. Not enough time.

“I didn’t...” Donut said from her spot next to Katia. “Carl, I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

I took a breath, and I put my hand on her. “It’s okay. We still have the ceremony itself after she wakes up. Like Imani says, it’ll take a little bit.”

“But if it takes time, how are we going to do it? And what if the Huanxin Jinx lady makes it last long on purpose? She just wants Katia and doesn’t care about the rest of us.”

Donut wouldn’t be able to leave until after Katia was whisked away. That was the price of the Crown of the Sepsis Whore.

I eyed Samantha just hovering there, looking petulant. I looked in my inventory, and I moved the Samantha head-chucker attachment for my xistera to my hotlist.

“We’ll have to wait to the last minute, and then we’ll give Emberus what he wants. Hopefully that’ll give us enough time. But before that, we should have enough time to get everybody else out as long as this Louis surgery goes well. It’ll just be you, me, and Katia. That way we’ll know everybody else is safe.”

Elle buzzed up and crossed her arms. “If you think you’re going to hog Katia’s last moments all to yourself, you’re crazy.”

“Guys,” I said. “It’s going to be dangerous as fuck. Priority is making sure most everyone else is safe.”  

“Carl,” Donut said. “If you’re planning on using your head thrower thing, you won’t be able to take it off. Not if Emberus picks Samantha up. It’ll just summon the god to you, and we’ll both get burned to nothing. Remember when he was outside Tserendolgor’s bubble? He melted the entire world!”

“It’s okay,” I said. “One problem at a time.”

“Okay, everybody shut up,” Mordecai called. “We need to free Louis. Carl, we need that flesh golem.”

I grabbed another cot, and I pulled it next to Louis. I dumped the body of Princess Lunette on the cot next to him.

This was the body that was supposed to eventually house Samantha. It had been given to me by Signet in the last moments of the Butcher’s Masquerade. Princess Lunette. Signet’s mother. She’d originally been a tattoo, etched onto Signet soon after Edgar had found the young, alone half-naiad after her mother’s death at the hand of the high elves.   

The body was that of a slight, beautiful naiad. The moment the body appeared, I saw the problem.

“Uh,” I began. “Guys, she has gills. She’s a full naiad. Doesn’t that mean she’s water only?”

“Yes,” Mordecai said. “That’s okay. You have that rebreather in your inventory. Give it to me.”

“What?” I asked. I dug into my inventory, and I found it. It was tiny, the size of a large bracelet. It was the kua-tin rebreather I’d taken from Loita’s body after I’d assassinated her. “It’s too small!”

“Not where we’re going to put it,” Edgar said. “Okay, this is what we’re going to do. Mordecai is going to cut him open, and once we do, Donut will administer a fine healing potion. While that is happening, I will need two people to hold open his chest. Carl and Bautista... Daniel where did you go?” We looked about, but Bautista was gone, having fled the tent. “Tipid, you hold the other side open. In the meantime, Imani and Rosetta, you will open up Princess Lunette and expose the heart and pulmonary system. Her lungs are different than human lungs, so be careful when you cut. Keep her open, and when we’re ready, I will instruct you on how to quickly extract it. Once it’s ready to be transplanted into Louis, we’ll administer the special brew potion. We’ll have 30 seconds. We’ll quickly remove the existing heart and lungs and replace it with the naiad organs. Juice Box will activate it, and then we’ll do the graft. That’ll be the crucial part, at the end. We’ll have 30 seconds, and that’s it.”

“Okay folks,” Mordecai said. “Let’s do it.” He looked up in the air. “This probably should go without saying, but what I’m aboot to do is a surgical procedure and is allowed under the non-combatant code. The second party in this is an empty shell.”

He took a knife, and he started to cut down the center of Louis’s chest.

~

Warlord Tagg: What is happening. What are you doing? I swear I will kill him.

We were almost ready for the part where we were going to extract the heart and lungs. They were mostly electronic, looking more like the internals of a machine than an actual heart and lungs, making it easy to see where Tagg ended and Louis began. But strands of red, pulsing flesh was interwoven in the plastic-like organs.

“Shit,” I said as I held the exposed, open bones of Louis’s chest. “Tagg is freaking out.”

“We just need two more minutes,” Mordecai said. They were setting up a group of about thirty different lines that would cut all at once, bringing the entire system out in one piece. “Distract him! We can’t have him shutting down now!”

The heat had become sweltering. Emberus occasionally bellowed in the distance, calling for Samantha. Outside, the sound of rapid, last-minute preparations continued unabated.

“I got it,” Donut said. She stood over Louis’s open chest on a high chair, ready to drop Mordecai’s Special Brew. Behind her, Katia remained in her coma.   

WARLORD DONUT: WE’RE ALMOST THERE TO THE CASTLE. SO WHAT’S YOUR PLAN ANYWAY? TO TAKE OVER THE BODY OF LOUIS? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK YOUR MOTHER IN THE EYE KNOWING YOU HAD SEX WITH HER?

Epitome Tagg: Quit saying that! That disgusting human never had sex with my mother! He besmirched my mother’s name with a changeling who took her form!

WARLORD DONUT: YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK HAPPENED? I THINK YOUR MOM WAS REALLY FLATTERED THAT LOUIS THOUGHT SHE WAS SEXY, AND THAT MADE YOU MAD. AND YOU’RE AFRAID THAT SHE’S GOING TO WANT LOUIS IN REAL LIFE, AND IF YOU LOOK LIKE HIM, WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?

Epitome Tagg: So help me gods, I will end him right now.

EPITOME TAGG’S SEXY MOTHER: “I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO ME, LOUIS. MY HAND IS STUCK IN THE WASHING MACHINE. WILL YOU COME HELP ME?”

Epitome Tagg: Change your name back this instant! I will kill this fat loser right now! Right fucking now! You puerile, disgusting mongrel. How dare you? How fucking dare you? I will starve out all of your kind!

EPITOME TAGG’S SEXY MOTHER: HOW DARE ME? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THAT? ON THIS, THE DAY OF MY GRANDCHILD’S BIRTH? YOU DARE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT LEVEL I AM?

Epitome Tagg: CHANGE THAT NAME NOW.

EPITOME TAGG’S SEXY MOTHER: UH, TIME OUT. IT’S TELLING ME I CAN’T DO ANY MORE NAME CHANGES UNTIL TOMORROW. SERIOUSLY. I THINK I’M STUCK WITH THIS NAME NOW.

“He said stall, not piss him off,” I cried.

“We’re playing good cop, bad cop, Carl.”

“That’s not how that works!”

“He’s too mad right now to do anything!” Donut said. “I must admit I stole that one insult joke at the end there from the internet. You posted something very similar on your Facebook page once. Well, Miss Beatrice posted it on your behalf.”

“I know, Donut. And insults aren’t as funny or as effective when you reuse or steal them.”

“He’s a bald CEO robot guy with both mommy and anger issues from another planet. It’s not like he’s going to know I’m lifting material, Carl.”

I grunted with the effort of keeping Louis’s ribcage spread open. The constant healing was fighting to close it. “That’s okay. The whole thing was taken from the Godfather movie anyway.”

“Thirty seconds!” Mordecai called. “Guys, are you ready with Lunette’s organs?”

Behind us, the flesh golem was peeled up, tissues already extracted, held up in the air. It reminded me of the krasue demons from the second floor. Rosetta, Imani, and Elle all held up the dripping organs, placed in a small net like it was something they’d just pulled from the ocean.     

“We’re ready,” Imani called.

Epitome Tagg: You know what? Fuck this. Fuck this existence. Fuck this life. And fuck all of you. You don’t deserve singularity. None of you do.

“Heart has stopped,” Edgar shouted.

“Shit, pull, pull!” Mordecai yelled. They weren’t ready yet, and Mordecai couldn’t be the one to remove the organs, lest it constitute an attack. But Bucket Boy yanked, pulling the organs out. The whole group, heart and lungs all popped out with a wet squelch. He threw the mess over his shoulder onto the ground with a splat. 

“Potion!” Edgar cried as Donut poured Mordecai’s Special Brew into Louis’s open, gushing chest.

“Organs incoming!” Imani called as she placed them in his yawning chest cavity.

“Casting now,” Juice Box said, her male voice calm. Her hands flashed, and the transplanted organs began to squirm, the pieces whipping about like an octopus, seeking attachments.

Mordecai took the rebreather and made a slit in the bronchial, moving it in to the flesh, quickly sewing, his hands flashing.

“Shit, is that going to work?” I asked.

“That’s how these things are actually designed,” Rosetta said. “Internal or external. He’s not going to like it, but it’ll work.”

Mordecai dropped a water breathing potion on Louis, and as the gills formed, he quickly connected a few tubes from the new organs to the gills. Bucket Boy started quickly jamming something into the slits on his neck. This would keep them there after the potion timed out. 

Donut: DID YOU KNOW MORDECAI KNEW HOW TO DO THIS STUFF?

Carl: There’s still so much about all of them we don’t know.

“Done!” Mordecai shouted with 10 seconds left on the rapid healing. I raised my hands in the air, letting go of the rib cage. Tipid did the same, and the chest snapped closed like a mousetrap. As we watched and collectively held our breath, the chest sealed on its own. For several seconds, Louis remained pale. Then he coughed. He coughed, and water splashed from the gills on his neck. He coughed again, and then his eyes fluttered open.

“What?” Louis asked. He made a gagging noise, and then more water splashed from his new gills. Bucket Boy tentative reached forward and started pulling out the stops he’d placed, holding the gills open. The gills remained.

“Louis,” Mordecai said. “Switch off the water breathing notification.”

“Uh, where am I?” he asked.

“Do it,” Mordecai said.

“I did already. I did when I woke up. But something’s wrong. I feel... I feel weird.”

“It worked,” Edgar announced, and we all started to clap.

Samantha zipped up. “We’re cousins now,” she said, and she kissed Louis on the lips.

“Wait, guys,” I said. “What happened to the lungs and heart?”

Mongo popped up and let out an angry screech. He had blood on his beak, and he spit out the chewed-to-hell plastic heart and lungs onto the ground of the tent with disgust.

System Message: Warlord Epitome Tagg of the Dream has fallen. Credit for the kill has been given... Well, this one is just as complicated as the last one, but imma give it to pet Mongo of the Princess Posse. I almost called it a suicide, and I almost gave it to that Bucket Boy kid, but it’s going to Mongo. Consider it a present for the baby shower.  

System Message: The Dream has been defeated.

System Message: All assets of the Dream have been awarded to the Princess Posse.  

System Message: And then there were two.

We had 32 minutes until the timer ran out.

“Well, that was significantly easier than I thought it would be,” Donut said.

“Sledge!” I called. I stuck my head out the tent. “Sledge! It’s time!”

Chapter 85

21 Minutes Until the destruction of the 9th Floor.

“Goodbye, Sledgie,” Donut said from the shoulder of the rock monster. “You were the best bodyguard anyone could ever have.”

The Sledge reached up, and he patted Donut on the head. “Maybe I see you again. Maybe I see Bomo. And you no need bodyguard anymore.”

“I will always need you, Sledgie,” she said, and she headbutted the rock monster. She jumped from him back to my shoulder.  

“Starting to cast,” The Sledge said. It would take five minutes for the spell to work.

He glowed. He had cast Zerzura.

Rosetta: It worked. Shanty Town is included in the glow. It successfully combined the two towns. Moving to the saferoom now with Tipid and the others. I have Samantha.

The entire funnel city of Larracos—and Shanty Town—was about to get transferred to the 12th floor. To the Court of the Ascendency. According to Rosetta, most of the action took place in the actual halls, which were placed on a green, fertile hill overlooking miles and miles of fields of cotton.

There were some magical properties with this cotton field, but it was somewhere here where the city would land, and it would be where the NPCs would settle.

The rules for the gods were clear. The NPCs were untouchable until the Ascendency actually started. And in the meantime, with Juice Box’s squad of changelings and their ability to change to basilica guards, they could hopefully keep the gods at bay should any rules change.

If the city happened to squish any mortals when it landed and—hopefully—drilled into the ground, it was going to cause some problems because those squished by the appearance of the city would turn into undead monsters called Children of Inpewt. That was something they’d have to deal with, but based on the sheer number of people we were sending down there, something told me it wasn’t going to be a huge issue.

It wasn’t safe, but it was life. And it was a way to make certain both teams would survive. 

We actually weren’t certain what was about to happen with some of the mercenaries. There were several kinds, and all were going to do something different. The hired ones, including the Sledge and the other surviving cretins, along with the for-hire, dungeon-born mercenaries for all the teams would simply disappear, possibly moved into “storage” for the next crawl, possibly tossed back into the mercenary market. They would not move to the 12th floor.

The changelings and all the thousands of NPCs who lived in Larracos plus the Semeru dwarves would move to the Ascendency. Anyone else who’d moved to this floor from the 6th would also move.

We weren’t certain about the strippers or the sluggalos, and as a result, they would stay with us. They would go back to the safe room and move to the barracks there. We had limited capacity, but there were several crawlers who were planning on staying who could take some in.  

Ferdinand would transfer to the 12th. Juice Box would, too. And with their transfer would come the defeat of Team Retribution and the victory for the Princess Posse.

And then there were the outworlders.

There were thousands upon thousands of these mercenaries in the city. People who had come here to fight both against us and for us. All of them would get transferred out of the dungeon the moment Zerzura triggered.

Over 50,000 former crawlers had come to help us. To fight by our side. Only about 28,000 were left. Just a little more than half. They had survived the dungeon, left, and they came back to die.

Once you enter the dungeon, you will die in the dungeon.

And of the 32,000 crawlers who made it from the eighth to the ninth, only 20,000 were left.

This is war, I thought. This is what happens in war. 

Across the way, I watched Louis stumble from the hospital tent, holding his throat. Juice Box had her arm on his shoulder. She said something to him, and he said something back. She put her hands to her face, and she turned away. Louis just stood there, and he watched her go.

Thousands had died. Tens of thousands. But just over 20,000 crawlers making it to the 10th floor was a goddamned record. The second highest number wasn’t even close.

Of those 20,000, most were going to take a deal. That was okay. They had fought long, and they had fought hard. They were done, and they deserved rest.

If we had our way. If we did this correctly, they would never have to come back.

Lucia Mar was here, sitting on the ground, sobbing. Florin, Jurgen, and Imani surrounded her, talking.

They were trying to convince her to take a deal. I hoped it would work.

And then there were the other mercenaries. Those from the armies we’d defeated. They milled about nervously, filling all the floors of Larracos, mostly lending a hand in the rapid construction.

They, too, would go home. They were done.

Well, not home. None of us were going home.

I gazed up at a group of them, staring down at me. The closest one was a gnoll mercenary. Corporal Pillbox. He nodded down at me. He’d been in Empress D’Nadia’s employ, and yet, he’d managed to survive.      

My initial instinct was to kill them. I could mark them like Li Na had, and I could kill them all, raising my stats to 300 across the board just like she had. I knew a lot of people following my progress would be enraged at me not doing exactly that. They would call me stupid. They would be disappointed in the lack of blood I shed, and they would angrily unfollow my feed because I was not the monster they hoped I would be.

Fuck you all, I thought. Fuck you all.  

One look at Li Na, and I knew that path, that slope was too steep. Survival had more than one meaning.   

Still, I didn’t want to let it go. The Ring of Divine Suffering. There was so much possibility on this floor, and I’d squandered it. The hold was so great, it was overwhelming. What opportunities would the ring provide on the next floor, or the one after that?   

The heavy weight of Donut on my shoulder was enough to remind me that strength and stats weren’t everything. I pulled the ring from my inventory, and I held it up. I raised it high enough so it was right in front of Donut’s nose.

“Are you sure, Carl?” Donut asked.

“I’m sure.”

She reached forward, and she gave it a sniff. And then she took the ring into her mouth, and she swallowed it. She made a gagging noise, and I patted her on the head.

“I almost choked to death, Carl. That would’ve been quite ironic, don’t you think?”

“Hey, Kitten,” a voice said.

“Ferdinand. There you are!” Donut said.

Drick had appeared. Ferdinand sat on his bald head, arms splayed over the adjutant’s dome like he was a pillow. Ferdinand had his old, drained-of-magic turban back on his head, making him look absolutely ridiculous.

“Just wanted to say ‘Yo’ before I moseyed on down to the 12th floor to bang some hot goddess chicks.”

Donut harrumphed. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, so if you wanted, you know, a last second fling, we have time.”

“We have like four minutes, Ferdinand.”

“That’s more than enough time for me.”

“Eww. Go away. You’re disgusting.”

“All right. I’ll see you on the 12th floor then,” the cat said. He hopped to the ground, and his hat fell off. He picked it up with his mouth.

“Oh, and Ferdinand?” Donut said.

The orange cat turned around. He gave a muffled response.   

“Thanks for trying to come save me in the tower.”

He spit the hat back out. “Anytime babe.” He picked it up and strolled away.  

Drick nodded at me.

“You going to the 18th floor after this?” I asked.  

He shrugged. “I’m assuming so, yes.”

“Good luck.”

He grunted and walked away. 

Milk approached, and she stood next to me.

She would not transfer to the 12th floor, according to Mordecai. She would go back to her guild.

“I did it,” she said. “I fulfilled my contract. I still have to live out the season, but I can leave after this.” She grinned at me. “I am glad I was given the chance to cook one final meal.”

She raised her wing, pointing. Donut and I looked up. In the rings around us were thousands of crawlers, all looking down upon us. A sudden silence filled the city.

“Carl, Donut,” Milk announced, her voice suddenly, magically amplified. She’d etched a word on her own throat to make the magic happen. “These are the crawlers who have all decided that they want to take a deal as soon as we reach the next floor. These are also the former crawlers who will be going home. We have a present for you, and for all the brave souls who have decided to stay and fight on.”

Your Book of Voodoo has been updated.

Your Book of Voodoo has been updated with a metric fuckton of entries.

For fucks sake. Finally.

Your Book of Voodoo has been segmented into two volumes. The second volume is entitled the Book of Boom.

I pulled the second, heavy book from my inventory. Somewhere along the way, the book of Voodoo had magically changed since it now should have literally almost 30,000 pages. It still had about 500 pages, and when I flipped through it, it sort of zeroed in on the entry I was supposed to find. This second one was the same. I opened it to a random page.

Crawler Number 1,982,122 Asi Hamami Level 59 Fox Warrior.

Carl, thank you for helping us. I have lost so much, but I still have not lost my hope.  

And below that was a drawing in red ink. It was a crude drawing of a lock and a key.

Consuming this page will give you a level 10 Lockpick skill for a period of five minutes.

Donut: CARL, CARL I GOT A BOOK CALLED A BANQUET FIT FOR A PRINCESS! IT’S FILLED WITH PICTURES AND NICE THINGS ABOUT ME! AND SPELLS!

Milk continued. “They’re leaving the dungeon, so I taught them how to remove a skill or spell and paint it onto a page. They each did three. One for you, Carl. One for you, Donut, and one on their own entry page, which is now a first come, first served sort of deal in the original book of Voodoo that anyone can use. The one for you and Donut are personal for you. They permanently lose the skills when they transfer it to the book, and when you eat the page, you only gain it for a very short period of time, depending on the quality of the drawing. But each one should have a personal note attached, telling you how they are grateful that you have saved their lives.      

Donut trembled on my shoulder. “I... I don’t know what to say.”

“Hup! Hup! Hup!” the other crawlers started to chant, rising in din.

“And these guys,” Milk said, her voice also rising in volume. “The former crawlers. They can’t transfer their skills, but that’s okay, don’t you think? They already gave what they could. And some gave everything they had.”

They all started throwing something over the edge of the railings, down upon us. Flowers and streamers. These were the white and gold flowers from the plains, from before it all started. I didn’t know where the colorful streamers had come from, but as they fell, they filled the broken city of Larracos with shining, colorful light, and it made it beautiful again.   

“Goodbye everyone!” Donut called, turning in a circle, tears in her eyes as flowers and streamers fell around her. “Goodbye everyone! Thanks for helping us murder all the bad guys! And you, bad guys who are still here, I hope you go home and hug your children because you got really, really lucky!”

“They’re not really going home,” Milk whispered to me. “Apparently the embargo is still in place. Your warriors are headed back to Homecoming Queen. The other mercenaries, I don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” I said, waving. I met eyes again with Corporal Pillbox who was also crying. “If they do send them back in here, I think their masters will end up regretting it.”

“Goodbye, Carl,” Milk said. “If you can sneak back into Club Vanquisher, come say hello. But if not, that’s okay. You have given me something I didn’t think I had anymore. Burn it all to the ground.”

I gave my sister a hug.   

Across the way, I caught sight of Tina hovering over her mother, who sat in a chair with the two babies nestled against her. Miss Nadine was there as well, clucking over the children. As was Holger, who had young Clint on his shoulders. Kiwi had decided to risk going to the 12th floor, along with all of the other children, who surrounded her. Bonnie and Skarn stood side-by-side, both looking tired and forlorn. Mongo and Rend—who would stay with us—were both there as well. Mongo was sniffing at the babies. Rend was trying to catch the falling streamers in his mouth, and several had fallen upon his head.

“Twenty seconds,” the Sledge announced.

“Bye Sledgie! Bye everyone!” Donut called.

Juice Box: I will be leaving approximately 10 seconds after everyone else.

Carl: Wait, what the fuck? Where are you? Where are you going? You’re not transferring to the 12th?

Juice Box: Oh, I’m going to the 12th floor all right. But Justice Light and I are taking the long way. It’s okay, Carl. Trust me. You’ll like this one.

I gave one last cursory glance around me. Mordecai was here, too. He would not transfer with the Zerzura, and he held little Ruby in his arms, who would.

“It’s for the best, little one,” he said.

“Finished” A dwarf cried to my left. I turned to see he had finished building the statue that had broken in front of the castle.

The statue was of a dwarf. A goddess. Ysalte. The Vinegar Bitch. I remembered, now. She was the now-dead goddess of this place. Of Larracos. Paz had killed her during that fight at the end of the previous floor.

In the moment before everything flashed and disappeared, my eyes focused on the giant axe—the giant pickaxe—over the goddess’s shoulder.

~

There was a long pause, and then the messages came.

System Message: Both Warlords Ferdinand and Juice Box have left the realm. Under the current ruleset, they have abandoned their posts and have forfeited their position.

System Message: Team Retribution has been defeated.

System Message: The Princess Posse has won Faction Wars.   

Congratulations, Champions.

PART 3:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/book-7-finale-3-114662136

EDIT: WHOOPS, 85 is in here too.