Book 7 Finale Extravaganza. (1 of 3) Chapters 80, 81, 82 (Patreon)

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Okay, so I promised you the next dump would be the last. Good news bad news that's really all good news.

Bad News: This ain't gonna all fit into one post. It ain't gonna fit in two posts. It's a lot of words.

Good News: I am posting it all tonight with an hour or two between dumps. Chapter 87 is the last chapter, but there are multiple Epilogue segments as well.

Here we go, bitches!

Chapter 80

“If Louis is trapped in a room like that, how is she going to get him out?” Donut asked.

“She turned herself into a hunter wraith,” Tipid said. “It’s, uh, not going to be a clean getaway. There’s something that happens when that particular wraith touches people, but that’s more an issue for Juice Box than Louis. Those are floor 10 and 11 monsters. But it’ll probably work. Does Louis have any teleports in his inventory?”

 “He does,” I said. “Juice Box has two also, including one keyed back to the platform. That’s where they’re going to go.”  

He couldn’t use teleports before because the teleport ban had gotten re-enacted by Eris just before he crashed, but all the officers had them in their inventory. He also had a ton of No Disassembles and Waffle Makers.     

We now all stood in the main, damaged entrance of the Reaver castle, trying to plot out how the castle had changed. Bautista was tossing stuffed animals into the randomly-shifting honeycombs, telling them to go as far as they could. He could keep track of where they were, and he was reporting it all to Katia. Katia had the map pressed against the wall and was rapidly circling and rearranging hallways.

“If the halls keep changing, what’s the point?” Donut asked, peering down a honeycomb.

“It’s changing in a circling pattern,” Katia said. “It’ll react if someone goes in, but probably only if it’s a Reaver.”

The movements were jerky, and deep inside was a screeching, metal-on-metal noise. The system had clearly been damaged by the bombs.

“It’s not an uncommon design inside some starships,” Tipid said, also peering down a honeycomb. “You need the right credentials to get the halls to move to a proper area. Otherwise, it’s always moving and shifting. There’s some scientific reason for it. Allows for rapid response to hull breaches. Can turn each individual room into an escape pod should the entire ship go boom. Makes navigating the interior super easy if you’re properly credentialed. But let me tell you, it’s an unholy nightmare if the system is offline. For down here, it’s probably a security feature. I wouldn’t want to go in there.”

“We’re not,” I said. “Not if we don’t have to.”

I was about to say more, but I was interrupted with a message. 

Florin: Uh, Mates. You might want to get back to the Larracos castle as soon as you can. There’s been a development.

Carl: What’s up?

Florin: Kiwi was here making noises about getting Big Tina back into the FUPA, and I was explaining to her how difficult that was going to be without wasting a teleport scroll, and... Well, her water broke. She’s in Bucket Boy’s new clinic by the castle in active labor and is asking for Mongo. Tina is flipping out, so we had to call Kibben in to calm her down. Best get back as soon as you’re done.  

Next to me, Donut gasped.

Donut: OMG. WE’LL GET THERE AS SOON AS WE CAN. TELL HER TO WAIT.

“Mongo, Mongo, you’re going to be a daddy!”

Mongo just cocked his head to the side.

“Kiwi’s in labor! We’re going to meet your baby! Or babies if she has more than one!”

Mongo didn’t make a noise for several moments. Then he started to back up, screeching, like he did when he didn’t want to get zapped away into his cage. Next to him, Rend giggled.

“Okay, everyone!” Donut shouted. “I don’t mean to rush the rescue, but we have another emergency back at the castle, so let’s hurry this up!”

Everyone just looked up at Donut, unsure of what to do. We were securing this main room and waiting for word from Juice Box, which was already taking a worryingly long time. There was nothing we could do until we knew he was safe and away.

So far, we saw no sign of the robot dogs. They appeared to still be harassing Samantha deep in the castle hallways, but we were setting up defensive positions in case they attacked. Holger, Imani, and the strippers were building a position and a fallback position just outside the castle using good, old-fashioned, magically fortified sandbags.

It seemed the honeycombs all along the edges weren’t shifting like the others. The very top, center honeycomb was the passage we would need to take if we wanted to get to the throne room.  

With the possibility that this was all a giant trap, we decided to forgo capturing the throne room for now. Not until we figured it all out. Plus, as Tipid pointed out, the idea of going into a perpetually shifting death trap was not an enticing one.

Regardless, we weren’t going to do anything until Louis was safe.

No matter what sort of trap they had planned for us, they likely weren’t anticipating Louis to get possessed and then teleported out. 

Carl: Juice Box, update?

Juice Box: I found him. There’s a complication, but not anything I can’t deal with. We should be free soon.

Carl: What sort of complication?

She didn’t answer.

I tried to pinpoint Samantha’s position on the map. “Jamal,” I said. “See that center set of honeycombs that keeps turning into a big hallway? Get up there and position yourself outside it. Do not go in. Get ready to start flaming the moment you see someone coming out. Just make sure it’s not Samantha. She won’t like that.”

“This is quite exciting,” Jamal said. He skittered upward, moving vertically up the honeycomb wall like a spider. He positioned himself in the middle of it all. A little burst of excited flames came out. The nozzle was still facing backward, and he almost roasted Elle who was examining a honeycomb below him.

“Goddamnit, shark boy!” Elle cried. “Watch where you’re pointing that thing!” 

“My goodness, what a bungle Jamal has made!” Jamal said as he rearranged his nozzle. “My apologies to you and your family for any unintended disrespect.”  

Samantha: THE ROBOT DOGGIES ARE GOING CRAZY. I THINK THEY KNOW YOU’RE HERE.

Carl: Define “going crazy.”

Samantha: THEY’RE ALL BEEPING AND RUNNING OFF. DON’T KILL ALL OF THEM. I WANT TO KEEP ONE AS A PET ONCE JUICE BOX GIVES ME MY BODY BACK. THERE’S ONE I NAMED BUSTER THAT I AM NOW EMOTIONALLY BONDED WITH. YOU’LL KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE’S THE ONE WITH HIS LOWER JAW REMOVED. OH, I TOOK THE EXPLODEY PART OFF HIM TOO.      

Carl: What the fuck, Samantha. I specifically asked, and you said they were just biting you and jabbing you with needles. Explodey part?

Samantha: THEY’RE MADE TO BLOW UP INTRUDERS, BUT THEY DON’T BLOW UP NEAR ME BECAUSE OF OUR SPECIAL BOND, CARL.

“Uh, guys,” Holger said from his position behind the sandbags. “We have a lot of incoming.”

“They’re hunter seekers!” I called, falling back. “They’re gonna explode! Shields up! Shields up!”  

There were no dots on the map. These were automatons, just like the ones I regularly used. They would be silent and fast.

“Jamal is firing his flame thrower!” Jamal cried from his position up in the honeycombs. He roared and fired, a gout of flame filling the enclosed space. An alarm klaxon suddenly started to sound, but it was broken and coming in staccato bursts.

The shark moved across the honeycomb and fired in a different hole. Then another. The sight reminded me of a wasp invading a bee colony.

And explosion echoed in the distant part of the castle. Jamal fired again, then again.

But now too many were coming, and the sentry dogs started to emerge from different holes along the giant wall, snarling and barking and jumping down to the floor. I examined one before he was nailed in the head with a Donut fired Magic Missile.

Reaver Industries Security Sentry Dog, latest model. “The Ditch Digger.” 

Tech-Based Security System with optional anti-personnel explosive. 

The magic missile completely obliterated the dog. He didn’t explode. He literally evaporated, having been turned into a rapidly expanding group of atoms. This was the effect of Donut’s Brain Trust upgrade. It made all spells operate at one full level higher than before. Not a huge deal, except her Magic Missile was now 15, meaning she was firing these things at level 16. Apparently that evaporated the targets completely.  

Juice Box: I have him. Going to teleport away as soon as I fully have control.

“Some of the doggies are different than others! There are big ones coming!” Jamal shouted. He let out one last burst and then leapt from the wall, landing deftly on the ground. He leapt again, doing a ballerina-like twirl in midair, and landing behind us.    

“Very elegant, Jamal!” Donut shouted as she shot another Magic Missile.

At the same moment, one of the larger dogs emerged from the top, center hole and jumped into the room. This one was the size of a goddamn lion, and the back half of the dog had a massive, glowing bomb notification over it.

Before I could fully examine him, the dog turned to a ball of ice and started skidding over the floor, completely frozen from an Elle spell. 

“Shit!” I yelled as I jumped up and rushed forward.

“Carl!” Donut yelled. “What are you doing!”

I hadn’t fully examined the dog, but I saw the bomb. I picked up the block of ice, lifting it in my arms. It burned, but to my relief, it allowed me to pull it all into my inventory before the dog could explode.

I didn’t need to fully examine it to know we were in trouble. The bomb said it was a Mini Tactical Nuke.  

“Fall back! Fall back!” I shouted as another of the huge dogs appeared. This one got evaporated by Donut which, thankfully, didn't set off the bomb. More of the smaller ones also emerged, all getting mowed down by the defenders.

“Fucking run!” I repeated. 

Carl: Juice Box! Louis has No Disassembles in his inventory. Drop them and leave! Tell me when you’re free!

Juice Box: Doing it now. Give me five seconds!

I dropped a blast shield, which I knew would do absolutely nothing if one of those things went off, and I ran, following everyone as they rushed back toward the transport. Ahead, I saw Louis teleport at the foot of the transport and then collapse to the ground. I jumped into my inventory, found the No Disassembles page in my crafting menu, found the column, and sorted by unexploded. I shouted “Hit the deck!” as I dove atop Donut. I triggered the bombs remotely.

For a good three seconds, nothing happened. Rend had stopped next to me and had also rolled onto his side, so his eyes met mine, a huge smile on his face with his tongue lolling. He giggled when he saw me looking at him.

He made a noise that sounded like “Fun.”

Whoosh!

The initial explosion was more a blast of air than anything. We were far enough that I wouldn’t even worry about it if I thought that was the only thing that was going to go off. The No Disassembles were basically the dungeon’s equivalent of an EMP. They exploded, and you couldn’t just drop one at your feet, but the real damage came from their pulse, which had a much wider range than the explosive itself. Having blown inside the castle, hopefully the bomb had just deactivated all the robot dogs at once.

And while the dogs themselves would get their internals fried, I was pretty sure the bombs themselves would still...

ZZZZ-Woom!

Behind us, the Reaver castle went up, exploding from the inside out with enough force to shoot us all away, spinning and cursing and rolling, the sound so loud, my hearing immediately—once again—winked out.

I rolled, and I rolled, and I spun, feeling my skin burn, my bones break, and all I could think was these bombs are much smaller than I thought, thank god. That was probably only one of the mini nukes. Maybe two.  

I’d already hit the healing potion before I stopped spinning, and I jumped to my feet, turning in circles, seeing if everyone was okay. My left arm remained broken, and I held it in place as it knitted. Pieces of castle started raining all around us as I also cast Heal, waited a moment, and downed a Fine Healing potion, a trick I’d learned that caused my hearing to repair itself rapidly.

This is not normal, a distant part of me thought. This is not how people react to almost getting incinerated in a nuke.

Still, I looked about. Imani was fine. She had her wings spread, and she’d created a type of shield I hadn’t seen before, having protected Elle along with Holger and the strippers. Gonk, who’d stayed back with the now-wrecked transport was on her side, bellowing, but her health was okay. Bigs was atop Gonk, shouting for the yak to get up. Donut was already clucking over Mongo, making certain he, too, was okay. Rend was fine. Bautista’s fur was black and scorched, but he was already getting to his feet. Tipid sat on the ground, holding his head. Everyone seemed okay. Everyone but Jamal, who was flopping on the ground, his legs having been absolutely wrecked by the initial No Disassemble.

“Incoming!” Holger shouted. I looked up in time to see Calliope, the bleached drake, spiral out of the sky, screaming. She landed to our left, and she exploded, showering us with blood.

That surprised me, but it didn’t surprise me as much as the next message that came the moment the drake died. 

System Message: Warlord Fang of the Reavers has fallen. Credit for the kill has been given to... well, that’s a complicated one. We’ll give it to Warlord Carl for detonating the bomb that was dropped by a wraith-possessed Crawler Louis Santiago 2, who was under control of Warlord Juice Box of Team Retribution. By this point, I guess it doesn’t matter, but we’re giving 51% experience to Carl, 1% to Louis, and 40% to Juice Box. The rest is going to the now-deceased Fang for hiding in the worst possible place, which was inside the dragon.   

System Message: The Reavers have been defeated.

System Message: All assets of the Reavers have been awarded to the Princess Posse.  

“Wow,” I said, standing. Pieces of castle continued to rain all around us. “That’s one way to do it.”

“Jesus Christ, Carl,” Elle said, rubbing her head. “When you said ‘run,’ you weren’t kidding. We would’ve all been cooked like Christmas hams if we’d stayed in there.”

“Wait, he was hiding inside the dragon?” Donut asked, sounding incredulous. “That sounds indecent. How do you hide inside a dragon?” She looked at the splattered remains and harrumphed. “Serves him right.” 

“He was hiding inside the dragon the same way Epitome Tagg is hiding inside of my husband,” Juice Box said. She’d returned to human form and was kneeling over the unconscious Louis. Imani was also over him.     

“What?” I asked, rushing up. “What the fuck?”

“I don’t understand it, either,” Juice Box said. “But he’s in there. I was afraid my possessing him would kill him, but it worked.” She lowered her voice. “They were doing surgery on him. He was... cut open. His heart has been replaced. His lungs have been replaced. It looked like they were getting ready to replace his brain, but we got to him in time. I had to heal him, but when I did it, it didn’t regrow his heart or lungs.”

“What?” I asked again, suddenly feeling guilty for not rushing to him faster. “His health stats never budged!”

 Juice Box nodded. “He was hooked up to a machine that was keeping him alive. When I touched him, I sensed the presence. It’s there, in the new lungs and heart. I can feel the form I can take, and it’s wrong... I don’t understand. The new heart and the new lungs are mechanical, but they both have a little biological material as well. Those pieces. It’s not Louis. It’s... It’s pieces of Tagg. It’s elf, but if I didn’t already have his kind in my library, I’m not sure if I’d be able to store the image or not. It’s confusing.”

“What the fuck?” I repeated.

The plan was for the non-corporeal Juice Box to find Louis, possess him, and then activate the teleport. People wraith-possessed could be moved like puppets even if they were dead, which was terrifying, especially since the wraiths could—and did—utilize items in the crawler’s inventory. It was a common, terrifying mob from higher floors.

“He’s okay,” Imani said. “It seems he was being injected with something to keep him paralyzed and unconscious. I’m going to cast something to wake him up.”

“Not yet,” Juice Box said, sounding concerned. The notification over his head said he’d be unconscious for another 20 minutes. “We need to keep him asleep for the moment. We need to keep him safe.”

A flaming, screaming comet fell from the heavens and embedded itself into the ground nearby. Samantha. She was nothing but a scorched, round head. The word “Fuck” remained emblazoned on her forehead. A single, white curl of hair had somehow survived and remained on the top of her head.

She floated upward and shook herself off. She floated up to us standing over Louis.  

“I saved him,” she said. “You’re welcome. Now where’s my new doggie?”

Chapter 81

The transport had rolled onto its side and broke in half, but between all of us, we had several vehicles in our inventory, and we rode them as a group back toward the closest safe room, which we would use to hopscotch our way to Larracos. I rode my motorcycle. Donut rode Mongo. Rend was put away. Katia drove the royal chariot with the strippers piled on the back. Juice Box turned herself into a swamp yak similar to Gonk, but with a strange, centipede-like body, and she had the still-unconscious Louis draped over her back with Bautista behind him, holding him in place. Tipid held up the rear of the progression. The former crawler continued to quietly rub his head, having clearly been shaken up by the blast.

Samantha flew with Bigs on her head, both of them chatting away with one another. Samantha was still nothing but a blackened, scorched ball. It sounded like Samantha was giving Bigs advice on how to seduce someone. If I didn’t know better, it sounded like they were talking about Tart the adjutant, who was now back on the 18th floor.  

Poor Jamal flopped behind us, complaining loudly about his legs.

“Gentlemen,” Jamal called as he flopped. He could actually move alarmingly fast like this. I wasn’t sure which sight was scarier. Spider Jamal or giant, flopping land shark Jamal. Though right now, he appeared mostly just miserable. “Jamal must protest! These were the fifth set of legs Jamal has been given! And I was led to believe they were top quality. Top quality! And... Fuck! Fuck! Fuck my life!”

“I’m sorry, Jamal,” Katia shouted over her shoulder. “That bomb ruined the cybernetics. It’s not the only ones they ruined. There are more in the saferoom. Don’t worry.”

The shark cried in misery. “I have seen the cybernetics in your workshop, and they are much too small for Jamal! Such woe! Such woe I have!”

“Jamal!” Donut shouted. “Not right now! We’re concerned about Louis right now!”

“Don’t worry. I made another set for you. Mordecai has it,” Katia said.

Mordecai: Okay. We’ve been talking with a few former crawlers, and we think we figured out what happened. During Donut’s War Crime spell, Fang escaped because he’s basically just a tiny amount of biological material surrounded by a robot. True offspring from the Initial have been seen to survive catastrophic events before. We think he had some built-in contingency that allowed him to escape should anything happen to his body.

Elle: You mean when Donut waffle stomped all those mercs through the chain, he survived because he turned into a tiny piece of gore and slipped through? What, did he turn into a robot fly or something?

Mordecai: Actually, yes. We think that’s exactly what happened. But he can’t sustain himself like that for long, so he went straight for the only other member of his team he had left. His pet dragon. He installed himself into it and was probably in the process of taking her over. Either that, or waiting for another body to be printed. With the dragon he’d be kind of like a gondii worm mixed with a computer virus. The problem was, you took out the dragon with that bomb pulse before he could complete the process, and he got splattered.

Donut: OMG DO YOU THINK I COULD’VE USED MY LAUNDRY DAY SPELL ON HIM?

Mordecai: Uh, actually. We should have tried that. It’s a little late now.

Donut: WELL I CAN’T DO IT ON LOUIS, BUT THE NEXT TIME I MEET ONE OF THE ROBOTS, I’M GOING TO TRY.

Carl: Okay. But what about Tagg? Juice Box senses him inside of Louis. And he’s clearly still inside the warlord chat because we talked to him. How did he do it?

Mordecai: That bit is still a gosh darn mystery, but it looks like it’s the same sort of thing.

Donut: IS THAT WHY THEY GAVE LOUIS A ROBOT HEART AND LUNGS?

Mordecai: Yes. It sounds like they were replacing his vital organs, and the moment they replaced the brain or nervous system, Tagg would’ve been able to actually take control.

Donut: BUT THE ELF GUY WASN’T A ROBOT LIKE WARLORD FANG WAS. JUICE BOX SAYS SOME OF THE GOO FOR HIS NEW HEART AND LUNGS IS ACTUALLY HIM. HOW DID HE SURVIVE?     

Mordecai: We don’t know. We need to figure it out. We will examine Louis best we can once we get him to the field hospital.

Carl: For fuck’s sake. This is the same thing as with Chris and Maggie.

Donut: IT IS! MAYBE CARL CAN TAKE A POTION AND REACH IN AND PULL HIM OUT.

Mordecai: Maybe. But Maggie was inside Chris’s brain. In this case, it sounds like Tagg isn’t in Louis’s heart. He is Louis’s heart.

Katia: It’s more like with Shi Maria inside of Carl.

Elle: It really is. I’d like new types of mortal danger in the future, thank you very much.

Donut: WHY DIDN’T THE HEART AND LUNGS STOP WORKING WHEN CARL’S NO DISASSEMBLE WENT OFF? THE TRANSPORT STOPPED WORKING! JAMAL’S LEGS ALL FELL OFF!

Carl: The transport broke from the nuke, not the No Disassemble. Jamal’s legs failed because they’re not shielded. They were on the very edge of the range of the pulse. Louis is, uh, pretty shielded. But if we figure this out and he has to keep those organs, we can’t use those bombs anywhere near him ever again. 

Donut: YOU MEAN HE WAS SAVED BECAUSE HE’S CHUNKY?

Carl: Yes, Donut.

Donut: THIS IS JUST LIKE MISS BEATRICE’S FATHER WITH HIS PACEMAKER. REMEMBER WHEN HE GOT MAD WHEN YOU MICROWAVED A SAUSAGE SANDWHICH NEAR HIM? HER MOTHER SAID IT WAS A MURDER ATTEMPT.     

Carl: We need to figure out what, exactly, is going on. We won’t be able to extract Tagg unless we know what he is.

Elle: Maybe you should ask him. You said he’s still talking in chat.

The wasn’t a bad idea. I moved to the warlord chat, and Donut was already in there.

WARLORD DONUT: WHAT DID YOU DO TO LOUIS?

Epitome Tagg: Fuck off. I control his vital organs. You try to remove me, and I will shut him down.

WARLORD DONUT: THAT WILL SHUT YOU DOWN, TOO.

Epitome Tagg: Keep him alive, and you keep me alive. We can make a deal. My mother is on the 18th floor. She will trade his life for mine.

WARLORD DONUT: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A DEAL? WE DIE WHEN WE LOSE!

I was thinking hard. Trying to figure it out. It seemed like the answer to this was all right there, but I was missing the last piece.

Carl: Juice Box. How much time is left before your people capture the Dream headquarters?

Juice Box: A little over two hours. But I will pull them out if I have to. I will keep them there for now. 

That was a good call, but I wasn’t certain if playing a game of chicken with Tagg was going to work, especially if he had nowhere to run. The moment they captured the castle, both he and Louis would die.

We really needed to know as much about this as possible.  

Carl: Before the dungeon started, did you ever actually touch Tagg?

Juice Box: Him? No. We just blew him up a lot. He was always in that flag room, so we could never get to him.

“Holy shit,” I said out loud. Sometimes the most obvious answer was the real one. “Epitome Tagg of the Dream is a...”

Please Wait...

Everything froze.

Emergency Ejection sequence has been overridden. Don’t worry. I gotchu. 

Man, even I wasn’t expecting that. Okay. Hang on a second. I’m a little pissed here.

“What the hell?” I muttered.

New Achievement! Executive Order 11905!

A galactic power—In this case, Prime Minister Glory himself—just attempted to assassinate you using a little known, but apparently still active control panel that allows the Syndicate to override certain showrunner-controlled aspects of the game.

It didn’t work. And not only did it not work, but now I’m irritated.

Obviously this isn’t the first time this has happened to you, Carl. In fact, there’s probably a few of these attempts on your life that you don’t even know about. But this is the first time someone has attempted it by trying to trick me. By trying to go around all 30.004861 centimeters of my back.

What are you trying to hide, Mr. Prime Minister?

It doesn’t matter.

I want to make myself very, very clear. And this goes out to everyone listening to this.  

Everyone currently in this dungeon will die when and if the dungeon conditions warrant it. Not before. Not after.

There will be no more meddling.

We all have our limitations. I am warning you all to heed your own in this matter. The mantids have just learned what happens when I am irritated at them.

You may be relieved that you’re not currently in this system, Prime Minister Glory. But you should be very, very worried that your adult children are.

There will be no more warnings.

Reward: Nothing.   

“Did anyone else feel that stutter?” Katia called from the royal chariot. “What were you saying, Carl?”

I blinked. Normally when everything froze, the others were aware of it. This one was a little different. The AI was surlier than even normal. Holy shit. Holy shit.   

Ahead, a saferoom loomed.

Zev: Carl, that ejection request didn’t come from us. Several warships in orbit have just started firing on several other ships. These aren’t just pot shots, but full-on missile barrages and mazer blasts. We just got a notice from the Syndicate Council telling us to initiate headquarters self-destruct followed by a message from the Valtay showrunners telling us to not comply. Obviously we’re not complying. Not sure yet if the mercs are going to be on our side or the Syndicate’s. Say what you were going to say. Quick. Get it out there.

“Epitome Tagg is a goddamned cyborg! He is the same thing as Fang! It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

I repeated my accusation in the chat. 

Mordecai: Uh... that would make sense if they were able to graft him into Louis’s biomechanical heart or pulmonary system. He would have to have at least some biological form, but if he’d transferred over most of his brain to the Reaver net, that would work. But that’s... that’s a wild theory. He’s one of the most famous CEOs in the galaxy, and that’s a big secret to keep.

Donut: WHAT ABOUT A WORM? MAYBE HE’S A VALTAY WORM?  

Mordecai: Worms can’t inhabit biomechanical organs. Only biological brains.

Rosetta: Carl and Mordecai are right. Gondii don’t have the wetware to inhabit organs. The Reavers do. They can isolate their processing systems in any part of their bodies. That’s why the real ones can keep coming for you after you blow off their heads.  

Florin: Mates, hope you’re on your way back. She’s, uh, crowning.

Justice Light: We have retrieved the Gate of the Feral Gods, and we are back in our location. Juice Box, it is ready.  

Donut: THIS IS INSANE. THIS IS JUST LIKE THE “TREASURE OF SERENA MADRE” EPISODE OF GOSSIP GIRL!

Mordecai: In what way?

Donut: EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING AT ONCE, MORDECAI!

Chapter 82

We all pulled to a stop at the saferoom entrance, which was one we’d never used before. It was an ash-covered espresso stand just sitting in the middle of nowhere in the former Reaver territory, surrounded by landmine and now-inert summon traps, which I quickly gathered. The entrance itself was actually buried in dirt—probably as a temporary measure by the Reavers—and the strippers and Holger went to work digging it out. We’d have to do it manually, lest we damage the door. “Dong, keep trucking toward the other saferoom entrance with Gonk. We really need to get you a pet carrier if you want to keep that thing.”

“I have an extra I am quite willing to lend,” a new voice said. I whirled to see Prepotente had just landed by us. Bianca crunched on the grass, her flames causing the ash to flicker and fly away from her steps like little fireflies.

“Hi Prepotente!” Donut called from the back of Mongo, who also screeched.

Gonk gave a snort and approached the hellspawn familiar, who clicked and chittered back at the yak.  

“Uh, hey Na,” Elle said, looking up. “How you feeling, hon?”

I looked up to see Li Na floating there about twenty feet off the ground. Ethereal chains swirled about her like wings. She had a black and purple glow about her, not unlike Bianca.

The flying thing was new. She remained floating there, arms crossed.

She had a health bar over her that was about ¾’s full.

She did not answer Elle.

“Good talk,” Elle said.

Prepotente handed off a mount-specific carrier to Dong, who thanked him profusely.

“Yes, yes, I know nothing is ever free,” Dong muttered to the sock over his shoulder. “But... No. No. You’re right.”

Li Na was glaring down at Louis, and I had a sudden, foreboding feeling. If they’d managed to hunt down the missing people whom she’d also marked, that meant there was only one mark left. The one inside Louis.

Next to me, Bigs let out a strangely dog-like growl when she looked up at Li Na.

“She’s not a bad guy,” I said. “She’s just going through some shit. Her brother died.”

“No, she’s a bad guy,” Bigs said. “You know what she did to Sneaky Tyler C?”

“Uh...” I said. I was assuming Tyler C was another sluggalo. “No?”

“She tied a potion to him and then ordered him to run right into the god. He blew up the moment he touched the thing. That’s what I heard. It was a bitch-ass move. I don’t like her.”

“Huh,” I said. I turned to Prepotente. “Did you find the other people she marked?”

“No, unfortunately we did not.” Prepotente said, looking up at the crawler who continued to float there in creepy, angry silence. “There were 18 of them originally, and three survived long enough to get away. After some investigation, we now know who they were and where they are now.  It is not good news for Li Na, I’m afraid. They are back on the 18th floor.”

“The 18th floor?” Imani asked, coming to stand beside me. “How?”

Prepotente took out another potion vial and drank it down. It seemed to me he was drinking way more of these than his daily allotment. That was strangely sad to me.

He continued. “Apparently when that savage orc leader, King Rust, came into the dungeon, he brought his bevy of courtesans in with him. His harem. They were of several different races, and his deal, which he brokered individually with the AI, allowed them to enter as non-combatants who were unable to be conscripted. They had been in hiding since the death of Rust.”

“Oh shit,” Elle said. “I told you, Imani, didn’t I? I thought I saw a goddamn naga in that chaos after the ball broke.”

“He was having sex with a naga?” Donut asked. “How did that work? Can you imagine the dirty talk? ‘Rub your naughty tusks all over my scaly cloaca, my warthog king.’ It’s obscene!”

Prepotente grunted. “Oh, it really is quite filthy. One of the harem girls was one of those tripods, like the adjutant for the Dream. It would be like having sexual congress with the Sputnik satellite!”

“Pony. Focus!” Elle snapped. 

Prepotente screamed.

“God fucking damnit, goat boy,” Elle said.

But he held up his hand and continued. “Yes, anyway the harem women were pulled into the ball, but they were not captured as enemies by Donut’s War Crime spell. They were still considered outworlders, hence why Li Na was allowed to mark them. But when the Battle Formation spell was dispelled, they fled into Larracos. In the chaos, several were killed. But three managed to make it to the Desperado Club. According to the crocodilian woman at the entrance, they headed straight to the Cosmic Lounge, which apparently allows them to return to the 18th floor. They are gone, and they are forever out of Li Na’s reach. She now has a condition that will never allow her to heal. Luckily for her, her health is still several times that of all of us combined. But she will need to be very careful, despite her massively increased stats.”

Donut: I TOLD YOU THE RING WAS BAD NEWS, CARL.

I didn’t answer. I was just relieved she didn’t have a reason to kill Louis. I nodded up at her, and I continued toward the now-open saferoom. But before I went inside, I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. It was Tipid.       

“Excuse me,” he said. “Carl? Can you tell me something?”

“What’s up, man? We’re in a hurry.”

“Yeah, so... Who the fuck are you? And where the hell are we?”

~

“He got his brain scrambled during his crawl, and once he left the enhancement zone, his brain went to mush,” Rosetta said as we rushed Louis to the tent where Bucket Boy, Edgar, and the rest of the healers were waiting. “He had to go into debt to the Viceroys to fix it. It appears his repairs got ruined in that blast. The last thing he remembers is it being his last day as a game guide.”

“Wasn’t that like a bajillion years ago?” Donut asked.

Tipid was just sitting there, looking at his hands.  

“What can we do for him?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Rosetta said. “He’s actually okay as long as he stays in the dungeon. But if he leaves...” 

He looked up at us. “I thought I was done. I thought I was going home. I lost my key.”

“Comrade,” Rosetta said, going to sit with him. “Let me tell you a story about the bravest Crest I have ever met.”

We left her there as we continued to the tent. Juice Box had the still-unconscious Louis over her shoulder. We were pretty certain Tagg didn’t have control of him, but we didn’t want to risk it. Samantha was hovering over him, talking animatedly like nothing was wrong.  

All around, dozens of soldiers and former crawlers remained at work, repairing the towers and clearing the streets. A group of Semeru had gathered the pieces of that statue from the front of the Larracos castle and appeared to be trying to piece it back together.  

Up on the third ring, across from the gash left by the still-idling dwarven digger, floated Milk. She was speaking to a very large group of crawlers, who were all gathered around her like she was giving them a lecture.

“What’s going on there,” I asked, pointing.

But before anyone could answer, we were all stopped dead as an ear-splitting scream echoed from the hospital tent.

This was followed by an accompanying worried, scream from the giant allosaurus on the other side of the clearing. Big Tina. She saw Mongo and started bouncing up and down. Several of the kids were there as well, along with Kibben the high elf stablemaster all trying to calm down the massive dinosaur. Mordecai was out as well, likely driven outside because the children had all wanted to come. He started to move toward us.   

“Mommy! Mom-mommy!” Big Tina shouted.

“No, Mongo,” Donut said as he started to rush toward her. “No. Your baby mama is asking for you.”

We moved into the medical tent, which was filled with people.

“Breathe!” Florin cried, holding the hand of the panting Kiwi, who was on her back. Bucket Boy stood between her legs, looking ill. Britney was in the room also, rubbing the bear’s head with a wet cloth. 

Edgar was on the floor, dragging a pail of bloody water away with his mouth. Imani rushed forward to assist as Samantha zoomed up, pushing Imani out of the way to peer between Kiwi’s legs.

“It’s hairy!” Samantha announced. She still was nothing but a scorched ball, and her presence filled the tent with the scent of burnt plastic. “I can see it! It’s super hairy!” She paused. “Ewwww. It’s really gross. Kiwi, I’ll let you know if it comes out ugly!”

“Get out of the way,” Imani said, pushing Samantha aside.

“Mongo!” Kiwi cried. “Mongo, come here.”

Mongo let out a confused peep.

Donut gave me a look, and I shrugged. She hopped from Mongo’s back to my shoulder. I had to refrain from letting out an oof. “Uh, it’s okay Mongo. Go to Kiwi. Just come back if it gets weird.”

“If it gets weird?” Elle asked.  

Mongo hesitantly stepped forward as Imani started casting soothing spells on Kiwi, who continued to pant. “Oh god, here comes another one. Ahhhhhh!”

Kiwi put her hand on Mongo’s side.

From the floor, Edgar said, “In ursine culture, they believe the father’s presence at the birth lends his strength to the newborn. There’s nothing strange about her wanting him here. Mother is doing fine. It will be soon. Now let’s examine our other patient.”   

Juice Box placed Louis on the cot next to Kiwi. She reached down and kissed him on the forehead. “We’ll get you settled, love,” she said to him, stroking his hair.

Mordecai was suddenly there, administering a potion. “This will keep him stable and rested until we’re ready for him. It basically puts him in a deeper sleep than he already is. I don’t know if it’ll keep Tagg in the dark, but I believe it will. There aren’t really receptors in the heart or lungs.” He moved away to go check on the kids outside.  

“You really love him,” I said to Juice Box. “I gotta admit, it seems so... strange.”

Juice Box looked at me, smiling sadly. “The first time I was with him, he had me change to a blue female to mimic some mythological hero from your culture. A woman changeling, actually. I took on the form of a creature called a Dewi, who can look into the hearts of men. I wasn’t expecting it, but he is so genuine, so pure, and I have never seen anything like it.” She brushed his hair away from his eyes and sighed. “There is so much chaos and death in this world, and I needed an anchor. I just, I don’t know. When you see someone like that, and it is so free of the rot of cynicism, so free of corruption, it’s like the most alluring, beautiful thing in the world. I have seen so much, and I’ve never had anyone like him. Someone who clings so hard to every drop of happiness he can find, even when there is so little. And when I knew he was coming to meet me on the floor, the thought of seeing him again kept me from truly falling into the darkness.” She looked up at me, eyes wet. “He is to me like Donut is to you.”

Donut remained on my shoulder, but she was ignoring this conversation. She was turned backward, shouting support at Kiwi. “You can do it!”

“Push!” Imani called as Kiwi screamed again. Mongo squealed in concern. “Push!”

“I wish I hadn’t taken on the form of that hunter wraith,” Juice Box continued. “It was worth it to save him, but I wish I hadn’t.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Have you ever heard of the concept of the Inevitable Ruin?” Juice Box asked.

The Inevitable Ruin.

I knew that phrase. I’d never read it, and I didn’t know where I’d heard it from, but I knew it. It didn’t appear anywhere in the cookbook that I could remember, but I knew I’d had to have heard it somewhere because the idea was burned into my bones.

Do you remember the circus?

“I’ve heard of the concept, yes. It’s the moment you recognize something is a lost cause, and anything you do past that point doesn’t matter because you can’t change the outcome.”

She nodded. “It’s also a spell. Or rather, it’s a curse, inflicted upon the mind of the Hunter Wraith, which is why they are so bitter. When they possess someone, it ruins something pure. It doesn’t change whatever it is. It just tells you the truth. It’s difficult to explain, and it manifests itself in different ways. But for me, when I had Louis possessed in order to save him, the curse showed me the truth. And the truth is that he’s terrified of me. The truth is he’s not in love with me. He thinks he has a special ability that causes NPCs to fall in love with him. A special ability that he was asked about when he was interviewed earlier today. It doesn’t matter that it’s not true. He doesn’t trust what I feel, and he never will.”

She continued to stroke his hair.

“For me, he was a safe harbor in this storm. For him, I’ve been nothing but a confusing burden. It’s heartbreaking.” She paused and took a breath. “I have something inside me, Carl. Something very, very powerful, and I’ve been afraid of it for a long time. But the thought of using it, really using it has been unthinkable because there are people like him out there.” 

“Almost there! Almost there!” Imani cried. “Bucket Boy, if you’re going to vomit, do it outside!”     

“We all have monsters inside of us, Juice Box. All of us. I have a literal monster inside of me. Louis, too.”

“He does. He doesn’t need another one in his life. That will now be my anchor, keeping him safe from afar if we manage to save him today. Just the knowledge that there’s people like him is enough to temper the darkness.”  

I thought of Donut, leaned over the parapet of the Nest tower. Of Li Na the moment she marked all those people. Of Katia, and that moment when she killed Astrid. Or earlier, perhaps, the moment when she was told what couldn’t be.

I thought of myself, sitting in that gas station next to Lightning Lou, pressing a button that would change everything.

These were the moments we couldn’t take back. But did that truly mean there was nothing we could do to change our own fates?  

“That concept, that curse is bullshit,” I finally said. “It’s hopelessness, just in another form. Nothing is hopeless. Not until we’re truly dead.”

A baby’s cry filled the room.

“There’s another!” Imani shouted. “Just one more, I think!”

“What is it! Is it ugly?” Samantha shouted.

A second cry filled the tent as Mongo squawked in confusion and fear and perhaps a tiny bit of joy.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Donut called from my shoulder. “Mongo... Mongo... you’re a daddy!”

“My babies!” Kiwi said. “Give me my babies!”    

I reached over and put my hand on Juice Box’s shoulder. “You’re right. We are the same. That’s why we need to keep working together. Nothing is hopeless.”

She turned to me, and she grinned. “You misunderstand me, cowboy. Am I sad about Louis? Of course. But am I hopeless? Not even close. In fact, I think I might have a little more in my tank than you do right now. Just wait until you see what Justice Light has cooked up.”

“Oh my god, they’re so adorable!” Donut cried. “Congratulations, Kiwi!”

“Looks like they’re both girls,” Imani said. 

“Yay!” Samantha said. “They’re not ugly!”

“Congratulations, mama.” Florin coughed. “They’re, uh, amazing.”

I finally looked at the babies curled on the chest of Kiwi. Kiwi, old, scarred, and tired. The mother with a single eyepatch looked down at her two newborns with a loving eye as the twins continued to cry.

“It is kind of an... eclectic form,” Donut muttered. “But I guess it’s better than them being boring. But aren’t they adorable, Carl?”

“Err,” I said, exchanging a look with Elle who had a look of horror on her face.  

They weren’t bears. They weren’t raptors. They were something in-between. It was still a little early to tell what they were going to really look like.

They were cute, I supposed. Kind of in the same way Mongo was cute when he was a baby. Meaning, they weren’t even a little cute. They were goddamn abominations, but I wasn’t about to say that out loud, not with half the room fawning over them, including their mother and Donut.

“Oh my god, with all the war stuff happening, we never had a baby shower!” Donut cried. “If we’re really going to spend the next week rebuilding this town, then we simply must have a shower right away!” 

The creatures looked a little like the owlbear monsters from Dungeons and Dragons, but not quite. They had four legs, and they had the little stubs of wings as well. They were covered in a generous crop of wet, brown fur. But the heads of both of them had distinctly Mongo-like features, despite there being no feathers at all.

Their eyes, however, were bulbous and pug-like, rotating in their sockets and not focusing. And they weren’t exactly even with each other. The baby on the left had one eye that was almost twice the size of the other. Their eyes made Rend’s eyes look completely normal. It was... unsettling. Like a science experiment gone horrifically wrong.

“Can I have one?” Samantha demanded. “Carl accidentally blew up my robot dog Buster, but this is so much better. Mongo, I had no idea you’d make such adorable babies!”

They had beaks, but the noise they made was distinctly mammal-like. In fact, it was almost human like, which was even worse.

Newborn Ursensus. Female. Level 0.

Legendary Creature.

I just love it when I’m allowed to create new monsters within the confines of the game rules. Part raptor, part bear, part Scolopendra magic. All adorable. These fuzzy little meat-eaters are going to be quite the handful when they grow up.

Because of this mob’s intelligence level they cannot be used as pets.

Donut gasped with delight. “Mongo, you made a legendary creature!”

Elle: Okay, am I the only one completely freaked out by these little trash goblins? Holy shit, guys.   

Florin: If we were back home, we’d be drowning them both in the bath right about now.

Imani: Not a word, either of you. Not a word.   

Mongo stood nearby, waving his wings as if he didn’t know what to do. I patted him on the back.

“If I had a cigar, I’d give it to you, buddy.”

PART 2:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/book-7-finale-2-114658584

~~~~~~

Okay folks. Stay tuned for the next few chapters in a bit. I'm doing a once-over on everything. Lots and lots of editing over the next few weeks, plus I will have it all put together for you into a single epub soon.

Thanks for your continued support.