Book 8 Chapters 32, 33, and 34 (Patreon)

Hi Everyone! Thanks again everyone who backed the Kickstarter. The reason why we had to do the Backerkit and Kickstarter campaign back to back is because next year, we have ANOTHER crowdfunding campaign for the TTRPG. You can sign up to get notified about updates here:

https://bit.ly/carlrpg

Both Jeff Hays and Luciano are working on the campaign. I can't wait to see how it turns out. It's going to be a brand new system, not based on anything.

There's a Reddit thread where the Renegade folks are answering questions here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DungeonCrawlerCarl/comments/1p0iymu/announcing_the_dungeon_crawler_carl_ttrpgs_with/

Anyway, on to the chapters!

~

Chapter 32

“We both drove,” I said to Donut as we limped back to the garage. My shredded kangaroo suit only had two hours left, which meant I could soon ditch it, but I still had to do little hops. We didn’t get teleported inside like we had after the first race, which was weirdly inconsistent. “That means neither of us can so much as touch the controls for the next race. We’ll need someone reliable to drive.”

Donut huffed. “I didn’t drive! All I did was touch the pedals! That doesn’t count. Hopefully our truck is fixed by the time the next race starts.”

“It does count, and the truck will be fixed,” I said. “I’m more worried about who the new team will be.” I eyed the house with the number 6 painted on the door warily. I knew we wouldn’t find out who our new opponent was until just before the next race. I hoped it would be another NPC team, though I knew, realistically, that the odds were against us. I sighed. One problem at a time. At least we’d come in first place.    

“Those poor foxes,” Donut said. “I never even knew the creepy juggler people, but the fox ninjas were starting to grow on me.”

“I will drive next race,” Dong announced, looking over his shoulder. He and Bucket Boy had the groaning Gluteus Max strung out between them. Dong had rushed down to the scene of the wreck to try to talk to Corcunda, but Rapture and Genesis had scooped him up, brushed past, and went straight to their garage, pushing Dong aside without saying a word to him.

“We’ll talk about it,” I said.

“What is there to discuss?” Dong asked. “I am...”

He paused at the sound of a commotion at the finish line behind us. We all stopped and turned as two giant figures walked over the finish line. It was Onikuma the bear mount for the dead razor foxes and Old Shuck, the giant dog from the juggler team.

“What the?” I asked before both of the biological mounts blinked and disappeared.

“Carl, I thought they were dead!” Donut exclaimed. “Why is the stupid dog still alive?”  

“I guess if the riders die but not the mount, the mount is saved. It makes sense. Sort of, I guess.”

“But where did they go?”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Not here.”

Donut harrumphed.  

A grumbling gremlin, pushing a wreckage-filled wheelbarrow much too big for it, passed us as it approached our garage. From the smoking debris within, Dr. Metcalf beeped.

Would you look at this. I’m a shattered husk. Shocker.

“Dr. Metcalf!” Donut exclaimed, waving at the wheelbarrow. The gremlin grunted with annoyance as we sped up to keep pace with him. “We thought you were broken into a million pieces!”

I could only be so lucky.  

“At least we won,” Donut said.

The gps took on a mocking tone. At least we won.

Donut huffed indignantly. “You really must make an effort to be nicer to the team. We’re doing our best.” 

Anyway, the gps unit beeped. We have limited details on the next race. And since neither of you can drive in this next one, I just can’t wait to see who you pick. We already had a prepubescent wuss of a crocodile and a drug-addled knockoff sasquatch. What’s next? Maybe the sex doll head? The dinosaur?   

Even though we were just walking and not in the truck, an info box popped up, which was really strange.

Distance: ~99 kilometers.

Distance to next rest area or refueling pit stop: ~50 kilometers. There will be a single, mandatory refueling pit stop along this route. Pit stop will be within the lost jungle city of Upano. 

Track: The You’re Gonna Die if you Go in Here Jungle Trail of Tremendous Cannibalistic Slaughter. There are a variety of surfaces available. Ain’t none of them will be paved. At least not with asphalt.    

There are dozens of possible paths for this race. We will be provided a map ten minutes prior to race start.

Tasks required to complete: Certain paths may have a unique task.

Special Rules: Your vehicle will have a special containment unit surrounding you for this race. More info on that coming soon. You will also share this track with three other heats of six teams. Special rules regarding this will be announced soon. Base rules will still apply.    

Environment: It’ll be a jungle filled with horrifying traps and monsters and vaguely racist and definitely overexaggerated themes based on grindhouse and exploitation cinema, but with racing added to the mix. There’ll be acid rain, too.

Hazards: the whole damn track is a hazard. Also, there’s a warning this will be the last of the “Normal” tracks.   

Time Limit: 20 hours.  

Next race starts in 7 hours and 3 minutes.

“Normal track?” Donut asked as we finally hit the driveway.

“Only seven hours,” I said. “The time between races is getting shorter.”

A few spots over, Jasha and Radoslav were already setting up their lawn chairs and beer cooler. They both gave us a wave.

“I don’t think you broke the truck into enough pieces,” Hedy said as we approached. “Maybe next time you can blow it up a second or third time along the way.”

Another gremlin flipped me off as it dragged the dented and bent back bumper into the garage.

I was strangely reminded of the time I’d been in the Desperado Club, and it had been filled with workers rebuilding the whole thing. “All of this bullshit is performative,” I said, watching the parade of gremlins. “What if we’d lost half the truck on the track? Would they go all the way out there to get it? The system can rebuild the whole thing with a snap.”   

Hedy shrugged. “I ain’t the one making the rules. At least we can get some catch-up upgrades. And don’t forget, we all get a bonus golden upgrade after the next race, too. That’s in addition to the regular prize for heat four. So you gotta make sure you win the next one, too.”

“Will the pig team get an audience vote, or will they get to pick?” Donut asked. She let Mongo out who started bouncing around. He moved to the spot where the truck usually sat and started routing through it, looking for the freezer. “They came in last place, but we lost two teams.”

“That’s a good question,” Hedy said. “Don’t know. I think it’s still an audience vote, but I ain’t sure.”

“It’s an audience vote,” I said, remembering some of the chatter on the messaging system. “The last surviving team always gets audience vote, no matter how many other teams were taken out.”

“We ain’t got to worry about that right now,” Hedy said as she flipped through her tablet. “We needs to figure out how we’re updating your truck. You can either choose one golden upgrade or three regulars. Been looking at the info for the next race, and we gots a few choices.”

I nodded. “In a second.”

I hopped to the wall and leaned against it, just spending a moment to let my heart stop beating so fast. Donut, I noticed, was basically doing the same thing. She’d called Mongo to her and had jumped to his back. She was stroking his feathers with her front, right paw, just staring off into space. I knew she was checking in on everyone and wouldn’t be fully focused until she knew everybody was safe.

People were finally starting to check in. Imani and Elle had come in second place, but they’d lost another two teams, including the one crawler team that had joined them this race. Florin and Lucia had come in first, but they’d lost three teams. Prepotente and Jurgen had also won, and they hadn’t lost any teams. Chris’s big rig had come in third place. 

Louis, Britney, and Bautista had survived, but they were the last of the survivors again, meaning they’d get an audience vote. Their replacement team had been another group of NPCs, and they’d taken them out right at the beginning. Louis’s team were in trouble as they still didn’t have proper tires.  

Zhang said they won again, but the only remaining teams were fellow crawlers, including a firetruck driven by a crawler named Seon-Gun, a Korean mage who’d been instrumental in keeping the FUPA’s walls strong during faction wars. Zhang was afraid the other teams were conspiring against them.

Everyone’s races were all different the next race, though it sounded like Imani and Elle’s team would be on the same track as us, which worried me. Prepotente and Louis’s teams both appeared to be on the same track as each other as well, which was described as “Satan’s Water Park.” 

I closed my eyes for a second, pretending I was alone. It didn’t work. My chat was constantly moving. Loud clanging and drilling filled the garage as they started rebuilding the truck.

Rosetta: The entrance to Hungry Eyes opened up the second you crossed the finish line, and Tipid and I are already in town, heading to the mercenary market. Need anything in particular? We need to get there as quickly as possible before the other teams pick it clean. We might hire someone for other teams, too, depending on what they have.

Carl: I think Louis’s team can only hire one mercenary. But they get priority.

Rosetta: Bodi expressed interest in helping them for the next race. But we’ll keep an eye out.  

Carl: Okay, good. For us, a driver and defense. Fast reflexes. We’ll need at least two who can drive since neither Donut nor I can next race. Nobody too crazy. Dong wants to do it, but I think it’s a bad idea.

Rosetta: Dong is very good with mounts, but he’s terrible in those gaming systems. Don’t let him drive. Tipid is a good driver, but he’s still recovering from Faction Wars, and I don’t know if we’ll ever get him back. Prices will be double because you lost the last two mercenaries we hired, by the way.  

Carl: It’s okay. Just get the best you can. Better hurry.  

I opened my eyes to find Hedy standing right in front of me. She was sniffing at my kangaroo crotch like she was a damn dog.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

She looked up at me. “You just gonna laze about? You want me to pick for you, kangaroo boy?”

I sighed and peeled myself off the wall. The truck was already half built. A group of gremlins were shoving the freezer unit into the back.

“Okay, hit me,” I said, motioning Donut over. “What are your suggestions?”

Hedy grunted as she took a step back. She pulled up her tablet. “Sounds like you gots maybe mud and dirt and trees, plus nasty rain next race. Probably jungle critters, which means snakes.” The gremlin shuddered. “I hates snakes. Your magical shields ain’t gonna cut it. The containment shields get turned on this race, too, so even the air is gonna be toxic. The spider legs are gonna be crucial for getting over obstacles, but not for bulk of the moving. Sounds like you need a movement upgrade. A shield upgrade. And maybe some defenses. There’s a few of them golden upgrades that can handle all three, but not perfect-like.”

“What are they?” I asked. Donut jumped to my shoulder, and Mongo immediately bolted for the truck. The gremlins started chittering angrily at him. The dinosaur looked around, likely looking for Rend, then started pushing the gremlins out of the way to get to the freezer.

Hedy clicked her pad and turned it toward us. “First choice is a Bubble Buddy. Also called Thunder Road for some reason. It’s a magical shield that’ll float a bit off the ground and keep the truck all safe inside, but you can still shoot out of it. It’s a strong shield. You can still use the spider legs and tires if you gotta, and it moves on its own, but it’s a bit slow. Good in water. You can electrify the outside so it zaps anything that touches it. Can float over holes and crevasses and whatnot. But it’s not too flexible or fast. Shield part is the best part of it.”

“Okay,” I said. I was pretty sure Florin had something similar for their tuk-tuk. “What else?”

She clicked and moved to a new page. This one showed a looping video of the truck stretching and elongating as if it was made from plastic. “This is a full-on transdimensional movement upgrade. It’s called the Slither. This is available for the first time this race. Them available upgrades list gets longer each time, by the way. This one allows the exterior of your vehicle to adapt to the environment. You still gotta use the tires, but the tires and them spidey legs will change shape to conform to the terrain. If you gots two trees in your way, you can squeeze super thin, and those of you inside the truck won’t even get a squish. Not so much offensive or weapon power with this one, and the shield is only so good. You’d probably be fine if you get blasted by a conventional weapon or chomped on, but it ain’t gonna protect you from a nasty magical bolt. And Donut’s Shield spell ain’t gonna treat it like a mount or vehicle anymore, either, so maybe not so great. But it’s a really cool upgrade.”

“It’s like the bus on Harry Potter!” Donut said.

“Damn,” I said. “That is a good upgrade, but we really need a better shield. If only we hadn’t come in last place the previous heat.”

Donut grunted. “Dorata can be a pain, yes, but she saved my life during our crash. She pulled me to her and wrapped me up while we exploded. I didn’t even feel a thing.”

“We wouldn’t have crashed at all if we had a better shield or weapons.”

Hedy nodded. “I agree. Slither is a good’un. I bets others will pick it when they can after the next race. Maybe win the next heat so you get two golden choices. Being able to slip and slide will be important once we gotta start driving upside down and stuff. Here’s a third option for the golden upgrade. It’s actually a biological upgrade, but you can have it if you got the spider legs upgrade. It’s called Huntsman. Adds a standard shield to the whole group and makes it so the legs can elongate and kills stuff better or do fine motor tasks like tying your shoe laces. Can jump small distances. Makes the legs the primary locomotion. They’re much faster than before, but probably still slower than your wheelies.”

“I like that, too, but I’m afraid none of those are perfect.”

Hedy nodded. “There’s a bunch more, but you saying you don’t want to take out the others makes most of them useless. You like your missiles so much, so there’s a golden upgrade just called Battery. Refillable missiles. Neverending. You can take everybody out.”

“Yeah,” I said, thinking. “We’ll probably have to go with three separate regular upgrades. What are your suggestions for that? Maybe take out offense for right now and focus on speed, stability, and defense.”

“Hmm,” Hedy said, flipping through. “Maybe jumbo all-terrain tires. They can blow up big and are good for mud and water. Unlikely they’ll make it so you gotta float this next one, but it’s a possibility. But I bet they’ll save that for the last races. After that, maybe Gyro stabilizer that keeps you upright at all times. That’s good because if you combine it with the newest shield on the list, the Bubble Buddy Knockoff edition, you’ll probably be set as long as you don’t get too much damage.”

“Knockoff edition?” I asked.

“It’s the same as the Bubble Buddy golden upgrade, but it’s a lot weaker. The shield itself is about 70% as strong, which is good, but it’s just a shield. Not like a bubble you can float in. And you can’t electrify it. But it just got added to the list, and it’s probably the best all-around shield.”

“If we had those upgrades, what would have happened if we’d been hit with that cannon from Team Sparkles?”

“Hard to tell. Shield would’ve held, and you might’ve flipped, but you’d land on your wheels. The gyro is super stabilizing. You would’ve been able to complete that whole track a lot faster. You woulda been perfectly safe running down that hill at top speed. It ain’t perfect, but it’s my recommendation.”  

We spent a good half hour going over additional upgrades and talking with the others, but in the end we ended up going with Hedy’s suggestion. We went with the three regular upgrades, especially after we saw that the Bubble Buddy Knockoff edition could be upgraded to the golden upgrade version with just another regular upgrade, though we’d have to wait until the next race to take advantage.

So in the end we went with the Bubble Buddy Knockoff Edition shield, the Never-Flip Gyro Stabilizer, and Re-Sizing All Terrain Wheel upgrade.

Hedy smacked my ass as we turned toward the saferoom. “You come see me when you get that stupid costume off.”

Chapter 33

“You’ve been completely exfoliated,” Donut said, peering at my bare leg as I worked on my foot routine, resetting my buff. “I must say, as smelly as that disgusting costume was, it did wonders for your complexion.” She made a little pained noise. “Not so rough, Jamal! My goodness. I am not a mud-soaked golden retriever. I require a delicate touch!”

“I am piling up my apologies to you, Miss Donut,” Jamal said. “It is not Jamal’s intention to add any hair-pulling distress.”

“You’re not hacking down a tree. Gentle but firm. You can’t hesitate, but don’t pull my fur, either!”

We were both getting inexpertly brushed by Jamal, who was practicing with the new grabbers on his front legs, as designed by Mordecai. It made him appear even more terrifying, as his front spider legs now looked like they had hands. He had one brush in each hand, one on Donut and the second, screaming brush in his other, both of which gave us our daily buffs. I’d just fed the Emberus shrine and was now pretending to file my pinky toe. Rend and Mongo were out in the pet stable “playing” with Gonk and Simoom.  

Samantha sat on the new kitchen table watching all of this. She was also peering carefully at my skin. “Do you think kangaroo blood is good skin treatment?” she asked. “Donut, maybe for your next skincare product you can do something like that. It will require some experimenting though. Do you want me to start gathering some baby animals to test upon?”

“What I want you to do,” I said, “is not give drugs to the NPCs. We almost died because of that.”

“Hey, that wasn’t my fault,” she said. “I just told him about the stuff. He took it on his own. He took too much.” She raised her voice. “And now he owes me money.”

Gluteus was sitting sheepishly on the couch, getting fed soup by Splash Zone as he recovered from his overdose.

“I think I’m going to puke,” he said. The cleaner bot made an angry beep from its spot by the exit to the guild hall.   

Donut huffed. “We will not be testing my new makeup line on baby animals. At least not publicly. Ow! Jamal!”

 “It is most difficult to get through such mats, Miss Donut. Carl’s hair is much more silky and easier to brush than yours, I fear.”  

I suppressed a laugh. “Yeah, wrong thing to say, buddy.”  

“Mats? Did you say I have mats? I have never had a mat in my entire life! I wish Sledgie was here. He had the perfect touch!”

Thankfully both of our blood bars had refilled, so we weren’t in too much of a rush. As soon as we were done, Donut and I were going to meet up with the others as we checked out this Chicken and Waffles place. And then after that, we were headed back to the Lollipop karaoke bar to try to find the entrance to the entertainer’s guild.

“I do not know why I am being shut out from this process,” Dong said from the couch. He sat next to Splash Zone and Gluteus as Doctor Bones and some sluggalos played one of the Need for Speed games. The sluggalos were completely off course.

“Because the other Corcunda doesn’t like you,” Donut said. “We’ll butter him up first.”

Splash Zone grunted. “I hope you have a lot of butter.”

The door opened, and Tipid and Rosetta entered, followed by three mercenaries who looked about the room with wide-eyed wonder. Two female and one male. It was a level 75, female grulke frog, a level 96 flaming fire fairy who was about Donut’s size, and one of those badger guys who were usually bartenders. A porsuk. That one was level 81.

We all stopped to stare at the newcomers.

“Carl, Donut,” Rosetta said. “I’d like to introduce you to Team Helix. They are a three-for-one mercenary squad. They’ve been working together for some time, and they have raced already in two heats, coming in first and second.”

“The time we came in second doesn’t count,” the grulke said, crossing her arms. Her name was Olga. “That demon with the chains was cheating. Killed one of the two clients and killed our friend Helado. Would’ve killed the rest of us, too, if her partner hadn’t stopped her. Finley got a scratch in on her though.”   

“You remind me of my ex,” Samantha said, rolling in circles around the porsuk. “He could do magical things with his claws.”

The badger was the one named Finley. He looked down at Samantha with disdain. His claws glowed green with enchantment, which implied some sort of poison-based charm. “Yeah, I can do magical things with my claws, too.” He grinned. “Want to see?”

“Ooh, yes. I really do. Want to step into my room and show me?” She rolled onto her head and started wiggling her neck up at him.

The badger’s grin faltered. “Wait, really?”

“Rawr,” Samantha said. She rolled over and then started wetly sucking on his ankle.

“What is happening right now?” the badger asked.    

“Samantha, you don’t have a room,” Donut said. “And get off his leg. Welcome, everyone. We need to step out. We’ll have you come with us so we can get to know you better.”

Samantha removed herself from Finley’s ankle. “I do too have a room. I’ve redecorated it and everything. It used to be Carl’s room, but he never goes in it because he spends all his time in your room or the bathroom.”

“It’s pretty sick,” one of the sluggalos said from the controller. “The new wallpaper is badass.”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “Wallpaper?”  

The fire fairy hadn’t taken her eyes off the back of the room. Her name was Quemada. When she spoke, she had a thick, Spanish accent.

She also worshipped Emberus. She was looking at the bubbling Emberus shrine. She turned her attention to me.  

“I’ve changed my mind,” she said. “It’s not double the price. It’s triple the price.”

“We’ve already negotiated,” Rosetta said. “We paid the price to the mercenary guild. You can’t increase the price after the fact.”

“It’s triple the price, or we walk,” she said.

Rosetta opened her mouth to object, but I raised my hand. “Did you guys drive during the last races?”

“Both Finley and Olga can drive. I am protection,” Quemada said.

I spent a moment just looking at the fairy, thinking. “We’ll pay the price.”   

Chapter 34

“My friend Mordecai was once a frog creature like you,” Donut said as we entered Hungry Eyes village. “He did this annoying croaking thing a lot, but you got used to it after a while. You don’t croak so much. He was really good at picking things up with his tongue.”

“I’m a toad, not a frog,” Olga said.

“Isn’t that like the same thing? My other friend, Prepotente, said that while frogs and toads can’t have babies with each other, and they look a little different, that toads are biologically the same despite what they teach humans in school. You’ll meet him in a minute. He says people have a lot of their facts wrong. Like blood in veins isn’t really blue that just turns red when it hits oxygen or that frequent self-abuse makes you blind. Carl’s vision has always been 20/20. It used to make Miss Beatrice jealous because she had to wear contact lenses.” She paused. “Then again, she did have that drawer that was not filled with cat toys, if you know what I’m saying. Though I didn’t know it at the time.”   

“I understood about 10% of what you just said,” Olga replied.

I looked about. I was struck by how much more empty the streets seemed. The street vendors were all still about, but the number of racers walking around had clearly thinned.

I caught sight of Elle, Imani, Florin, and the others standing near the end of the street with the restaurants and the temples. Prepotente was there, too, but Jurgen wasn’t. Donut waved furiously, and we started walking toward them.

“I had a vision from our Lord,” Quemada the fairy whispered to me as we passed the temple that led to Club Vanquisher. The fairy’s presence was hot on my shoulder and ear. Her wings were made of smoke. “He told me if I came across a fellow worshipper who was also a racer that I was to help him in any way I could. We have been tasked with slaying his brother. An impossible mission, yet one we must strive to complete.”

I gave the fairy a sidelong glance. She was much smaller than Elle, but larger than most of the regular fairies we came across. “If you’re so gung-ho on helping, then why’d you raise the price?”

“Because I know we will be slain when we attempt to kill Hellik, and the fee will help keep Olga and Finley safe for some time. These races are much more dangerous with each heat. And since you can’t hire me more than once, we will need to make our attempt now, while we can. That fee will allow them to take a break, and perhaps they will survive this current challenge. I have already lost one friend, and I do not wish to lose more. This makes our martyrdom much more comforting, does it not?” She put her small hand on my shoulder. My cape started to smolder under her touch. “Prepare yourself, brother. The unappeasable fire beckons us.”

“Yeah. Right,” I said.  

I was a little alarmed at this sudden turn, but this whole “Kill Hellik” quest had been festering in the back of my mind. I needed to make sure the god was dead before the end of the 11th floor. And if the floor was truncated? That meant I should probably deal with this problem as soon as possible. I needed to plan and prepare something. We’d been so focused on just surviving this floor I hadn’t been thinking of it.

That was a mistake, and I knew it. But even at our strength, it was, indeed, an impossible task.  

My choices were kill Hellik. Not kill Hellik. Remove myself from Emberus as a worshipper. Or kill Emberus.

None of the choices were good. If I left the church or if I failed the quest, I would receive a smite. That could take any form, but it usually resulted in death.

Emberus told me directly that if I killed his brother, he would kill me for daring to complete the quest he gave me. So completing the quest was just as dangerous.

That pretty much only left me with one option. Kill Emberus. But how? Even if he wasn’t invulnerable on this floor and the next, I couldn’t even get anywhere near him without burning to dust. We had Katia’s bolt that removed his invulnerability for a few seconds, but this was a particularly powerful god. And if I did kill him, I would be marked for death by all the other gods. Not good.   

I was fucked no matter which path I took.

Still, we weren’t ready to deal with any of that right now. These races were hard enough just trying to survive. I didn’t need a religious fanatic fairy pushing the inevitable along.

“We’re not ready to face Hellik,” I said. “We don’t even have a way to summon him.”

Imani and Louis came jogging up.

I waved, but I remained distracted. I remembered my very brief conversation with Hellik on the last floor. Other than maybe the true form of Eileithyia, Hellik was the most normal of the gods we’d met so far. He didn’t come across as completely psychotic and unhinged as his brother.

And there was Eris, who...

Donut suddenly yowled and jumped several feet upward, all poofed out.

The world froze. Donut remained stationary in the air, Imani reaching out to give her a pat.  

System Message. Eris has entered the Realm.

You are in the presence of a Deity. The Scavenger’s Daughter has opened her eyes. She fills with power.

Random Effect! As Eris is the goddess of chaos, this effect will change each time you are in her presence.

Temporary effect from Eris:

A random, temporary magical effect or item or aura from someone in your presence other than yourself will become permanent.  

“What the shit?” I said, upon realizing I wasn’t frozen. I sighed. “Eris? Where are you?”

The woman tapped me on the shoulder, and I jumped, finding her behind me. She was sitting on the cart of a food vendor. This was one of the guys selling meat on a stick. The gremlin proprietor was frozen like everyone else.

Eris looked the same as the last time I had seen her atop the tower. She was about my height. Swirl pattern on her lips. She held vaguely snake-like features. Her mouth seemed just a little too big, and she smiled wide at me and stuck out her forked tongue.

I blinked at her description. I noted a few changes since the last time I’d seen her.

Goddess of Chaos Eris. Level 251.

This deity has lost her sponsor and can no longer be sponsored this season.

This deity is invulnerable on this floor.

This deity has been summoned by <Error>

In addition to the weird error, she was a level higher than she’d been before, which I thought was impossible. This likely had something to do with what Orren had told me regarding the gods getting “loose.” They were just popping around wherever they wanted instead of following the rules. But it still appeared they were invulnerable.

“You summoned me?” Eris asked.

“I did not,” I said.

“Well, my ears were burning. I’m pretty sure you summoned me. I certainly feel summoned.”

I hadn’t summoned her. But I had thought of her. I felt a chill.   

Movement caught my eye. Next to her on the cart, the food storage bin popped up, and a small, but familiar, figure jumped out. He had a meat skewer in his mouth, and he grunted as he climbed up her dress to perch on her shoulder.

“What the shit?” I asked. It was a tiny Uzi Jesus. I was pretty sure it was an action figure. A robot, like robot Donut.

The robot took a bite of the giant meat skewer and then spit it out. He tossed the skewer on the ground. “This tastes like apostate ass.”

Eris giggled and gave the robot toy a little pat. “Say hi to Carl, my little pet.”

“Hi, Carl,” Robot Uzi Jesus said. He had a single, toy—at least I hoped it was a toy—Uzi in his other hand, and he waved it at me. He looked about. “Oh, there’s Florin! Can we go kill him? He gave me up!”

“No, pet,” Eris said, also looking at the Crocodilian. “We need him alive for a little longer. As soon as he cracks that mystery open, we’ll be done with him. Today we’re dealing with Carl.” She turned to look me up and down.

“How did you know I was married?” I asked. I looked up to see if Britney was standing in the crowd waiting for us. She wasn’t there. “And what’s the story with Britney and Ysalte?”  

“I am all-knowing,” she replied. “But we’re not here to talk about your wife. Or the pickaxe that will eventually kill your friend and everyone you love unless you do something about it. You have a more pressing problem, Carl, and once again, I am here, ready to offer a solution.” She thumbed over at the large, now-lit C&W&U restaurant at the end of the street. “And also to give you a head’s up about what you might find in there.”

I eyed Donut, who remained hovering in mid-air. She had yowled just before she’d gotten frozen. She was wearing her kneepads, which meant she’d also received a notification that Eris had entered the realm. The last time she’d been unconscious.

“What does that temporary buff mean? What magical effect will become permanent?”

“Not on you, unfortunately, though you should be grateful this didn’t happen when you still had that costume on because I thought it was adorable. This effect isn’t for you anyway, but for someone nearby.” She tapped her lips, then pointed to Imani. “I think Imani will be able to explain it after I leave.”      

“She’s pretty banging,” robot Uzi Jesus said, also looking at Imani.

Eris patted Jesus on the head. Unlike the “real” version, his halo was attached via wire, and it bent under her touch. “We don’t judge on appearance, little one. We judge based on the amount of rot in their soul. Remember what I taught you? Look at the color of the swirls.”

“Her swirls are pretty banging, too,” he said.  

“Okay, what do you want?” I asked.

Eris turned to me, her smile vanishing instantly.

She’s insane, I thought. Insane and endlessly dangerous.

“You’re running out of time, Carl. You need to deal with your Emberus problem. Ditch him, worship me, and I will protect you from his spite. We will kill him and his brother and my half-brother, too.” She spun her finger in the air. Sparkles followed. “But not yet. We have plans in motion, and we need all three.” She paused. “Their mother, too, has gotta go, but she’s a special case.”  

I took a breath. “Yeah?” I said. “And what do you get out of it?”

She burst out laughing.

From her shoulder, Jesus also laughed and fired his toy Uzi in the air. It made a tiny popping noise.

“I want the Ascendency throne, Carl. I’m just playing the game. But that doesn’t mean you can’t win, too. You are an agent of chaos. You need me. And I like you. You are unpredictable, and believe me, for someone like myself, it’s a joy. That’s why I want to keep you around.”

“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing just yet. I’ll tell you when to make the switch. But for now, three things need to happen. You need to make nice with Akuma and his merry band of head-exploding mages. He really does have a way to crack open the Pineapple Cabaret. He thinks it’s his exit ticket. It’s so much more than that, of course. It’s a good thing, especially to all you crawlers. The war mages will turn on you at the end probably. But not right away. You need each other.” She shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t care what happens to them as long as the path to the cabaret is open. Just know it is a way for some of your friends to escape. When I win the Ascendency, I can do whatever I want. I can send you and all your friends there. I can take you to the surface. I can rebuild your world, if I want. All I ask is one simple thing. You worship me. And I mean truly worship. Not just go through the motions. Such a small price to pay.”

“Uh-huh,” I said. “So you want me to do whatever this Akuma guy wants, and you want me to worship you. What’s the third thing?”

She grinned. “You need to allow me to score your surface a bit. You know, like how you sand a wall a little before you paint it? You strip off the old paint, rough it up a little. You gotta break things down before you can build them up.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

She spit into her own hand, and a large coin appeared. “Ever seen one of these? It’s a five-sided coin.”

She showed it to me. It appeared to be just a regular coin. It was about the size of a poker chip, but metal. It had her laughing face on one side and a swirl on the other. But then she turned it again, and words and an image appeared. One side showed Donut’s face with the word RIP. The other side read “Carl de-feeted” spelled F-E-E-T with a pair of bloody, severed feet. She flipped it again, and it changed to a pile of dead bodies with the caption “Most of my friends are dead.” She flipped it one more time. It showed me hanging upside down by one foot from the branch of a tree, though I had a smile on my face. The edges of the coin were filled with player killer skulls. It read, “I become what they accuse me of.”

“Wait,” I said, panic rising. “What are you doing? What does that mean?”

“By the end of the 11th floor, before the end of the parade route, one of these four results has to happen.” She handed the coin to Jesus. “If you would be so kind as to flip this for me. We don’t want Carl thinking I had my hand on the scale.”

“Wait,” I said again. That rushing feeling had returned, only it felt like it was all rushing around me, all at once. On my chest, the long-dormant Eye of the Bedlam Bride was open, burning a hole in my shirt.  

I held out my hand. “Stop, stop! What the hell? What if I worship you? I’ll do it right now. Just tell me what to do.”

Eris laughed. “I told you already. I don’t want a slave, but a true worshipper. That’s the only way this will work. You already embrace the chaos, but it isn’t your religion. True faith first requires a crucible. It’s just the way its gotta be. Look at Jesus here. Your mythology put him through insufferable torment.”

“Yeah, it fucking sucked,” Jesus said.

“No, no,” I said. Goddamnit. God fucking damnit. What do I do?  

“If you deliberately do any of those things, I swear I will end you.”   

She cackled with laughter. “I know, right? I can’t wait.” To Jesus, she said, “Flip it, pet.”

The small robot shoved his tiny Uzi into his waistband and grabbed the coin with two hands. “Up you go,” he said. He heaved and threw the coin.

“No!” I cried again, and I reached out and grabbed the coin as it flipped in midair. I grasped it and wrapped it with my right hand. The coin burned, but I didn’t let go.

Eris laughed and clapped with delight. “You picked the fifth side! Great! Chaos wins again!”

I felt the coin dissolve. When I opened my fingers, it was gone, but I now had a swirl pattern tattooed on my palm. The pattern spun on its own, like a slow-motion Signet tattoo. I tried to examine it.

I don’t even know what the hell this is. This bitch is coloring outside the lines.

I just stared at my palm for several moments. Jesus, bored, moved back to the food cart and grabbed another meat skewer.

“What is the fifth choice?” I finally asked.

Eris shrugged and then hopped off the food cart. “It’s one of the other four choices, or two of them, or three of them. Or all of them. Or none of them. Chaos. Random.” She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. “We’ll see what you get, Carl, my soon-to-be favorite worshipper.”         



~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks again, everybody! Still trucking along!