Book 8 Chapters 35 and 36 (Patreon)

No super new news since the last post a few days back. If you're going to DragonSteel Nexus, I know PoppyBooks just announced a new signing. IDK if it's ticketed or not. There will likely be one more signing added to the Grim Oak Press booth that will probably be a first come, first served sort of thing. And I'll be wandering around aimlessly, too, so be sure to say hi if you're going!

Luciano is still working on the cover for this one, but the bookstore version of the cover is done. They'll have some big reveal I'm sure soon. It's pretty cool, I think.

Feel free to answer this question in the comments. If you backed the Kickstarter, what are some of the mob cards you're looking forward to? Specifically, mobs from books 2 and 3?

Also, before we get to the chapters, here is the first draft of the cover copy for book 8. This is way too long, and the final version will probably be 1/2 this length, but this is what we got so far. Last post, a few people noted some agency issues about the book so far, so I wanted to post this now. I will likely address that issue sooner than I do. (He really starts to address it later. I have written several chapters past this point already) It's all by design, but I understand that feeling, even this deep into a series, so I will be adding some notes about Carl getting increasingly frustrated with how "on rails" they are for this book, as it's going to implode spectacularly. I'm a little terrified of what I think Carl is going to do, but I can't wait to see if he pulls it off. Anyway, here's the blurb:

It’s off to the races in the explosive 8th book in the Dungeon Crawler Carl series!

As chaos and mass panic spreads outside the dungeon, the survivors of Faction Wars find themselves on the 10th floor. Many crawlers have taken deals, but, like always, some have chosen to soldier on.

Here they are forced to compete in a surprisingly normal set of challenges.

Well, normal for the dungeon.

Races. Get from point A to point B, and don’t come in last. After each race, they pick an upgrade for their vehicle, and the track gets more challenging. Simple, right?  

It all seems a little too normal, a little too simple.

Ignore that fraying around the edges. Ignore those strange glitches that are occurring with increasing frequency. Don’t listen to those whispers about what’s happening on the 18th floor.

And most of all, disregard that nasty rumor that even the AI has lost track of some of the gods.  

Everything is fine, Crawler. I repeat, everything is fine.

After their overwhelming victory on the 9th, Carl and Donut hate that it’s business as usual. The rules of this floor have taken away their agency. That just will not do. To make matters worse, this 10th floor seems to be nothing but preparation for the next, the mysterious 11th, something the system AI calls A Parade of Horribles.

Nobody, not even the showrunners, knows what that means. Just that the AI has ominously dubbed it, “A coming out party for the ages.”

Carl is planning a party of his own. It’s a plan so dangerous, so insane he can’t even consult his friends, lest the AI put a stop to it. Because if it goes wrong, it’s not just the end of Carl and Donut. No. The stakes are higher than they’ve ever been.

onto the chapters!


Chapter 35

Eris has left the realm. The Scavenger’s Daughter closes her eyes.

Both Eris and Jesus disappeared. The meat skewer in Jesus’s hand clattered to the top of the food cart. The gremlin, confused, tried to pick it up, but it turned to dust. He muttered something about over-spicing.

“Carl, Carl, I got a weird notification that said there was a god but then it disappeared before I can even read it,” Donut said as she landed. She’d landed right on Imani’s shoulder. “I didn’t get any special upgrades or anything. It happened too fast!”

“I saw it, too,” I said, clenching my hand tight. “The god is gone now.”

“Somebody probably got themselves killed,” Donut muttered, looking about.

“It’s always something,” Imani said, eyeing the three mercenaries we brought with us.

My heart wouldn’t stop thrashing. From my shoulder, Quemada, oblivious to what just happened, continued to talk about Emberus, giving me a pep-talk about dying as a martyr. I quickly started jotting down everything I saw and heard, starting with the four sides to the coin.

Was this real? Things had just gone from bad to worse.

First, we had these goddamned races where we had no agency whatsoever. We were on rails with no ability to alter our own fates unless we just killed everyone. And now this?

That goddamned goddess was just popping around causing... Well, causing chaos. If I was understanding her correctly, one of the following four things would happen. Donut would die, I’d get my feet chopped off, “most” of my friends would die, or whatever the hell that last choice was. But because I’d grabbed the coin, I’d unlocked the fifth choice, which made everything random. But I didn’t know if that meant there was a 20% chance that nothing would happen or if the odds were much lower than that, assuming they broke up each possibility equally. Had I made things much worse by grabbing the coin?

And would killing Eris fix the problem? So now I had to kill both Emberus and Eris?

And what else had she said? She’d mentioned something alarming about Britney, but she’d also confirmed it was the pickaxe, which confirmed it was a Ysalte issue. And there was that thing about Florin and all that about the Pineapple Cabaret. She’d also mentioned the parade for the 11th floor. What else? I furiously jotted it all down in my mental pad, heart hammering in my chest.

I realized the eye on my chest was still open, and I had to make a conscious effort to close it.

We were playing their game, doing their bidding. I looked at my hand, staring at the new tattoo. We had to alter the paradigm. We had to break the game. Time was running out. But how?

I had an idea, but it was so utterly ridiculous, so completely suicidal that I immediately dismissed it. It would require that we complete the Dong quest. And it would also require we get through these races alive. How could we do that when they were forcing us to kill each other?

Maybe these War Mages had an answer to that problem. Maybe.

“Goodness, Carl, are you all right?” Donut asked, looking me up and down.

“Your blood pressure is skyrocketing,” Imani said at the same time, also examining me. “Carl, something just happened, didn’t it? You can’t...” She paused, taking a step back, eyes suddenly wide. “Oh, snap,” she said.

“What? What?” I asked.

A tiny fairy appeared right in front of Imani, swirling in a sparkling circle around her head. This one was about the size of my fist, and it moved so fast I couldn’t catch it with my eyes.

“Imani, why did you summon him now?” Donut asked.

“I didn’t,” she said drily. “I just received a notification that he is now permanently summoned and can no longer be used as a card.”

Elle came floating up. She eyed Quemada warily and then looked at the spinning, chattering fairy zipping around Imani’s head. “Why’d you let that little psycho out?”

“I didn’t,” Imani repeated. She looked at me and crossed her arms. “Carl did something.”

“Wait,” I said. “That’s your eighth floor card? And it said it’s permanent now? I didn’t do that!”

The fairy zipped toward me and stopped, hovering right in front of my face, quickly jerking back and forth like a hummingbird. I had a moment to examine him. He was a tiny, ridiculously buff humanoid with flowing, blonde hair. His wings buzzed so fast, I couldn’t see them. He only wore a white loin cloth.

He’d been permanently summoned due to the effect of my Scavenger’s Daughter patch.    

Jacobus. The Reverse Tooth Fairy. Level 90.

This mob was formerly a Legendary card summon but is now permanently activated due to something Carl did.

Many cultures have a creepy tooth fairy tradition, designed to acclimate children to the idea that they may eventually have to sell their body parts for money. In Denmark, where Jacobus originates, the Tandfeen is very similar to other tooth fairy legends around the world. You lose a tooth, you put the tooth under your pillow, and at night, the tooth fairy comes and collects their prize, and in exchange, they leave a krone or two under the pillow, depending on how rich your parents are.

It’s a bizarre and weirdly sadistic ritual. But then again, it’s one that’s pretty tame compared to some of the other Scandinavian customs, like the one where you’re supposed to let your baby take their afternoon naps out in the cold like they’re Siberian huskies. Or this weird thing where Danes drown unmarried 25-year-olds in cinnamon.

Anyway, Jacobus here isn’t a tooth fairy. He’s a reverse tooth fairy. He doesn’t buy loose teeth from children. He does the opposite.    

He had a deep, accented voice.

“Vis mig dine tænder.”

“Uh,” I said.

The little fairy nodded. “Betal mig trehundredeogtyve guld.”

“Jacobus,” Imani snapped. “No! We’re in a safe area anyway. You’ll get in trouble.”

The little fairy grumbled and then zipped to Imani and landed on her shoulder opposite of Donut, who raised her paw, like she was going to swat him. The tiny fairy turned and saw Prepotente walking up, and started to fly away again, but Imani moved faster than I thought possible and caught him in her hand.

“No,” she repeated. “You will not be doing that with any of my friends.”

The fairy started cursing in Danish.

I knew this particular card was fast, had some really messed up spells, and had been a terror on the battlefield during Faction Wars. The only problem was his summoning time had been particularly short. That apparently wasn’t the case anymore.

“Wait, I didn’t know cards could be turned real,” Donut said. She looked at me. She almost said something else, but she held it back. I was thinking the same thing about poor Paz, whose card we’d ripped at the end of the eighth floor. Instead Donut said, “Do you think we can set Raul free forever?”

“I doubt it,” I said. “This was a god thing. Most of that stuff is unpredictable.”  

“What is the holdup?” Prepotente said, looking at all of us. His gaze lingered on Olga. “A grulke? Well met!”

“This the one that says I’m a frog?”

“Yes! Hi Prepotente!” Donut said.  

“I’m waiting,” Imani said to me.

I eyed Quemada, and I moved to the messaging system, explaining everything that just happened. I held up my hand, showing the swirl pattern.

After I was done, the chat exploded.

Elle: Fucking hell, Carl. Hanging out with you is just as dangerous as hanging out with Samantha. Also, I don’t trust that mercenary you hired. You can’t trust fire fairies.

Imani: When have we even faced a fire fairy? That sounds like something Donut would say. 

Donut: I DON’T LIKE FIRE FAIRIES, EITHER. I LIKE OLGA AND FINLEY A LOT. BUT THIS FIRE LADY REMINDS ME OF AN EXOTIC SHORTHAIR OWNER. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

Elle: No, I don’t know what that means. But I kinda do, too.

Donut: EXACTLY.

Prepotente: Interesting. This is a similar conundrum to the Donut and Katia problem. I will think on it.

Carl: That reminds me. We need to check in on Li Na, too. I think they tangled with her earlier, and Finley has a poison debuff. If she can’t heal, she might be in trouble. I know her health gets reset every floor, but even a slow health seep will eventually be fatal.  

Elle: If they tangled with Li Na, they would be dead.

Carl: He says they were saved by Zhang.

Imani: I’ll ask him. Zhang is running scared, but he’s also fiercely protective of Na.  

Louis: Britney hasn’t been acting any different. She’s just been grumpy. But she’s always grumpy.  

Florin: Do you think this goddess was implying that she knew the full story with Lucia?

Carl: Look. We do need to sit down and come up with a plan to deal with all this. I already have a couple ideas I want to float, but you have to promise to hear me out. It’s not fully...it’s not fully baked yet. I can’t even say the last part in chat. But maybe the answer is right in front of us. Let’s talk to these war mages first.

Chapter 36

Entering Chicken and Waffles and Upgrades.

Warning: This location is exempt from the local saferoom rules.

The place was a typical diner. Even though the whole town had this 1980’s, Bladerunner aesthetic, the restaurant gave the 1950’s, at least at first glance. There was an overabundance of neon within. The jukebox was playing that “Fame” song from the movie.

The workers weren’t gremlins, but flightless imps, which were similar but a little smaller.  

“Hi, folks,” an imp with a gaudy rockabilly wig said as we entered. Her name was Darla-Dean, and she was rapidly chewing gum. She started counting all of us. “I’ll get a big table together, but it’s gonna take a minute. I’ll get you some menus.” She looked at Donut and popped her gum. “How many kiddie menus do we need?”

“Kiddie menu?” Donut asked, incredulous. “Do I look like someone who eats off the kiddie menu?”

“Wait,” Louis said. “I want to see one.”

“And a drink menu,” Prepotente added.  

“I want a kiddie menu, too,” Samantha announced.

“Samantha!” I said, looking at the doll head with surprise. She was suddenly just there on the floor. “Where did you come from?” She was not with us just before when Eris had appeared.

The imp started handing out menus.  

Samantha ignored me and rolled up to Louis. She grunted a few times and jumped up to Louis’s shoulder. She spent a moment watching the reverse tooth fairy zip around Imani’s head like a fly. She turned her attention to the Porsuk and then stage-whispered in Louis’s ear,  “I want you know that Finley attempted to seduce me, and I was enticed, but I resisted his lurid advances. Still, if you kill him in a jealous rage, I would think it was really hot.”

Louis looked up at the Porsuk, eyes wide.

“Don’t worry,” the badger said after a moment. “I already got her figured out.”

Olga muttered something about wanting to charge quadruple, not triple.

“Hey,” Samantha said, looking down at the menu clutched in Louis’s hands. “There aren’t any children on here at all.”

“They’re on the other side, honey,” Darla-Dean said.

Louis hesitantly flipped the menu over.

“Oohh, they have sous vide satyr capretto,” she said. She looked at Prepotente. “That’s what Louis and I are going to get.”

“We’re not looking for a table,” I said to the imp, pushing Louis’s menu out of Samantha’s line of vision. “We want to see the special upgrades in the back.”

Darla-Dean nodded. She pointed to the jukebox. I could already see that there was a hidden door and hallway past it. “Just push the music machine. Don’t push too hard, though. We just opened, and we don’t need it scratched.”

“Hey, can you make me a milkshake?” Louis said, pointing to the front side of the menu. “I’ll get it on the way out. Wait, what’s the difference between a malt and a milkshake?”

“No,” Imani said. “Remember the warning. All food items convey buffs or debuffs.”

“I know,” Louis said. He held up the menu. “Look, it says the strawberry milkshakes give you 5% to reaction time. And the malts do the same.”

“And I will take ten of each of these flavored sodas listed in the top right box here. All to-go,” Prepotente said. “Make sure I get straws for each one.”

“Ten of each?” Darla-Dean asked.

“Hmmm, you’re right,” Prepotente said. “Better make it twenty of each. Louis is quite right. This establishment labels all of their food items. I have already messaged Jurgen and told him he can only eat here from now on.”

Darla-Dean shrugged. “Coming right up.”

“Come on, guys,” I said, moving to the jukebox. “Let’s get this over with.”

I pushed the machine, which was now playing “Sledgehammer” by Peter Gabriel. It moved in and slid over, revealing a short hallway with a neon, blinking sign that read “Upgrades” with an arrow.

The whole group of us piled through the dark hallway. Samantha was now chatting with, or at, Jacobus the reverse tooth fairy who kept replying in Danish. He pointed at Prepotente, and Samantha giggled.

The door closed behind us, and the jukebox sound completely went away, leaving us in silence. We turned the corner to find a dusty counter, lit with flickering, yellow light, just as Florin described from when he’d broken in earlier. There were multiple posters on the walls depicting vehicles of all shapes and sizes. There was also a heavy binder on the counter filled with laminated pages.

And sitting on the counter next to the binder was a dead imp with his eyes burned out. The little thing smoldered, like he’d just been killed.

Corpse of Hickster. Level 25. Upgrade Imp.

Killed by Akuma of the War Mage Rebellion. 

Overalls.

Note for Carl.

I sighed and looted the note.

It was written on another one of the kiddie menus with a message hastily scrawled in black crayon.

Carl. You were supposed to come alone, you moron. This isn’t a tea party. Ditch them and come back.

I looked up, and behind one of the posters, this one depicting a hairy yak with body armor, was a secret door. And attached to the door itself was a hidden disintegration trap. I hopped the counter, ripped the poster off the wall, deactivated and looted the trap module, did another quick scan to make sure there weren’t more, and opened the hidden door.

“Just come out,” I called into the darkness. “Anything you want to say to me, you say to everyone. I’m just going to tell them anyway.”

Nobody answered for several moments.

Finally, the darkness shifted and then dissipated, revealing a lone war mage leaning against the wall of  a small store room. The irritated elf-like mage was sipping on a purple milkshake.

Akuma. The last time I’d seen him was in that forest clearing during Faction Wars. He looked like an older elf, with mottled, sun-damaged skin. He and several other war mages had killed Prince Stalwart and formed a faction of their own. They’d stolen the Gate of the Feral Gods, disappeared, and taken the castle of Larracos. There, they’d supposedly found what they’d been looking for. The Scavenger’s Daughter. Then they fled, and Akuma sent me a note that I had to kill Agatha.

We still had no idea what the hell their motivation was.

The war mages themselves only came into existence under certain circumstances. The dungeon had this whole spiel about them on the previous floor. They were the personification of magical energy, and they were not built and designed by either the showrunner or the AI. They just sort of came into existence after a flesher was resleeved a number of times.

And their heads exploded about ten minutes after death. I had multiple war mage heads in my inventory.  

“By the shitting gods, how are you still alive?” Akuma asked, peeling himself off the wall. “You are a fucking idiot, Carl. I called you here because you need me. But if you can’t follow simple instructions, maybe... urk!”

Donut cast Mute on Akuma, and at the same time Elle cast an ice bolt right at the war mage’s crotch.   

Akuma cried out and fell over, his purple milkshake splattering all over the place.

The Mute part had been planned. Elle’s bolt had not.

“Uh, Elle?” I said. I turned and saw the look on Elle’s face, and I held up my hands. I took a step back.

“Just don’t kill him,” I said.  

Elle pushed past me and moved up to the crying mage, who was trying to say something, but couldn’t.

“Hey, remember me, you barely sapient magical fart?” Elle said, getting close to Akuma, whose sneering face had turned to a look of extreme, gasping pain. “You and your little asshole friends tried to kill me. You stole the Gate from me when I wasn’t done with it yet. When I was a kid, do you know what we used to do to people who stole? We would hit them with sticks, and we would throw their shoes into the sound. But that was only because we couldn’t get away with more.”

She punched down with her fist, and there was a glass breaking noise. 

“And also because I didn’t yet have the ability to freeze their balls and shatter them like dollar store Christmas ornaments.”

“Holy Christ,” Florin muttered next to me.  

“That was just your left nut. If you want to keep your right one, you are going to answer everything Carl asks of you. If I even suspect you’re lying, cajone number dos gets converted to crushed ice.” She tapped her finger against his crotch. It clinked. “And then onto the main event. And then Imani over there is going to tell her little friend Jacobus to do some of his special dental surgery on you. Trust me. You don’t want that.”

“Ja, ja, ja,” said the reverse tooth fairy.

“Holy ouch,” Louis said from the other side. “Remind me to never piss Elle off.”

Akuma gasped in pain. He had tears rolling down the side of his face.

“I was wondering why Elle asked Samantha if War Mages had genitals,” Donut said.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Elle continued. “Imani is going to cast an anti-magic shield around you, and Donut is going to remove the Mute spell. I know the magic shield is going to cause your health to start to slowly lower. We aren’t going to remove it until Carl has all his answers, so answer quickly. If you attempt any sort of countermeasure to the shield, you will be killed. But we’ll kill you special like, you get me? Nod if you understand.”

Akuma started to slowly nod.

“Okay, good. Imani, cast your spell. But let’s leave Mute on him for a bit longer so he can think about what he’s done.”

“I’ve seen her mad before, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen this side of her,” Louis said, spewing water from his gills.

“The woman knows how to hold a grudge,” Florin replied.

“One time,” Imani said, “Ingrid Schmidt, who was the resident in the room next to hers, tried to cheat at Bingo, and Elle found out. She wheeled up to Ingrid and whispered something, and Ingrid started crying and refused to come out of her room for a week. The woman never played Bingo again. I still don’t know what Elle said to her. I asked the other day, and she just laughed.”    

“Can I be the one to crush his other nut?” Samantha asked. She’d bounced up to the counter and was sitting atop the dead imp, spinning in a circle, causing blood to fleck everywhere.

The three mercenaries had all moved to the very back of the room and were all cowering.

“Quintuple,” Olga said. “We should’ve asked for quintuple.”


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BTW, if anyone speaks Danish, any tips are appreciated. Especially if there are any common Danish phrases that will be really hard for Jeff to pull off. Right now it's basically straight from google translate, and I know that's never right.

Thank you everyone!