Book 8, Chapter 38 (Patreon)

Hey everyone! I hope y'all in the US have a safe Thanksgiving. I am heading to CA for a giant family thing, and we'll get back to our unprecedented chapter spam when I'm back.

A couple of small announcements. Pax Unplugged was this past weekend, and the folks at Renegade play-tested the new TTRPG system with some industry bigwigs that's been built exclusively for the Dungeon Crawler Carl RPG, and supposedly the feedback has been good so far. If you want to keep in the loop, please check out the Backerkit page for when it launches next year. I'll likely be at Gen Con leading a game or two. http://bit.ly/carlrpg

Luciano is making a fuckton of art for it, including drawing multiple favorite DCC characters we haven't seen before in official art, so that's really great.

ALSO, today Threadless launched dungeoncrawlercarlmerch.com It's the Threadless store moved to its own URL. Threadless will have some design contests next year, and we'll have WAY more official merch soon. In the meantime, please check it out.

ANYWAY. Onto the chapter.

<Entry from Carl’s Book of Boom.>

Shreya Gupta. Crawler #7,361,937.

Race: Human.

Class: Cleric of the Vajra

Final level: 69.

I prayed to Indra to give me the strength to survive, and with your help, I have. I know this dungeon’s version of the god is false. Yet, his visage is similar to the true Indra of my faith. I have wondered so many times, how can this be? How can aliens, who are not of this world, know of my gods and goddesses?

Some amongst my party say it’s because the aliens whispered into the ears of our ancestors, and those words have become our faith. Some say it’s proof that the gods aren’t real. But I think it’s opposite. I think our gods have shown themselves to these aliens, and they mock us. I believe it will be their undoing.

I have done all I can. I pray that you will use this spell. I have three versions. I have drawn a second version into Princess Donut’s book, and a third into the voodoo book. Use them all.

Kill them all.   

Drawing: A well-shaded thunderbolt

Associated Spell: The Shocker. Casts at level 14. Casting this spell has a 2% chance to summon the god, Indra, to your location.

Warning: If you do not worship this god, they probably won’t be too happy with you that they’ve been summoned.   

Chapter 38

Entering the Lollipop.

Despite the town’s population having taken a hit, this place was still packed. That same group of Japanese monsters, Team Yokai, were at the karaoke stage, singing. This time, the red Oni creature was on stage belting out “Careless Whisper” by George Michael.

We’d re-muted Akuma and left him with about 2% health as we left the back room. I hadn’t finished asking him questions, but an imp entered the room and started flipping out about the dead imp on the counter, and we all had to leave. I exchanged a fist bump with the war mage to get him into my chat, and it worked. But he believed it would only work if he was on the same floor as me.

The restaurant closed just as we were ushered out, but not before Louis got his milkshake and Prepotente excitedly picked up his pile of about 200 sodas, all in tall glasses with colorful straws. Each one, apparently, gave a different buff.

When Louis drank his milkshake, the water that occasionally blew from his gills turned red and smelled like strawberry. He was getting it everywhere.

I continued to ask Akuma question after question in chat, but he wasn’t answering me except to tell me to shut up and that I was annoying him.

I didn’t trust him. I didn’t want to believe him. But his mention of Herot, plus Eris’s insistence that he did have a way to escape, kept me on the hook. So for right now, the plan was to trust but verify every step along the way.

Our immediate plan was to gather volunteers who were willing and able to travel to this Pineapple Cabaret and fight. Prepotente and Mordecai were going to try to figure out this shop interface exploit, and I was going to task some of the strippers with returning to the Desperado Club and try to figure out the other method of opening a portal to the cabaret.

All of this brought me back to the impossible problem I had with Emberus, Hellik, and now, Eris.

I put my hand on Donut, reveling in her warmth, going over everything we had to do.

I was frustrated with the whole design of this floor, especially since everything was so dangerous. It was too rigid, too time consuming. Everything we needed to do, we could only do between races. I missed our ability to just bounce around the map at will.  

I kept going back to that thought. What if I...

“How many lightning spells do you have?” I asked Donut.

“I have that lightning bolt one from my tiara after we drained Ferdinand’s stupid hat, but I don’t like it because it poofs out my fur when I cast it. I can also adjust Magic Missile to give electrical damage now. It’s more damage than the lightning bolt, but the electrical damage is only a small portion of it. I can do it with ice damage, too, by the way. I have a bunch of electrical attacks in my Feast book that people gave me, but only a few are really strong. There’s a nice Triple Zap spell I got from a crawler named Shreya who wrote me a wonderful note. Why?”  

“I’m just curious. We have ice and fire spells aplenty, but I was wondering about lightning.”

“Elle has lightning spells. She got them when she picked one of her upgrades. She still mostly uses ice. Next floor, she’ll get the last one and then all four together will make her even more awesome. Mongo has electric zap teeth caps. What we don’t have are a lot of the earth spells. Mongo has Earthquake, but it gives him diarrhea when he uses it.”

“I think his diet of nothing but tater tots and frozen chicken patties is what’s giving him diarrhea.”

“This is from before, Carl. Don’t diet shame Mongo.”

The chat was moving fast with people discussing the confusing conversation with the war mage.

Dozens of people were asking for a concise explanation of what was going on. Donut was in the chat, laying it out for everyone.  

Donut: SO THIS PINEAPPLE PLACE IS LIKE A SUPER NICE SAFE ROOM, BUT FOR NPCS. HE SAYS WE CAN GO THERE AND NOT GET SQUISHED WHEN THE FLOOR COLLAPSES, BUT WE’LL BE STUCK THERE. ONLY IT’S NOT SAFE ANYMORE BECAUSE IT GOT TAKEN OVER BY OGRES AND OTHER BAD GUYS. SO THIS WAR MAGE WANTS US TO CLEAN IT OUT FOR HIM, AND IN EXCHANGE HE THINKS WE CAN MAYBE GET OUT TO EARTH. BUT HOW THAT WORKS OR HOW WE GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE IS A LITTLE UNCLEAR. ALSO ELLE CRUSHED HIS RIGHT TESTICLE. SHE TURNED IT TO ICE AND SMASHED IT!  

Louis: I think it was his left one!

Donut: WELL, NOW IT’S HIS ONLY ONE.

Wu An 3: How is this better than taking a deal?

Donut: HE SAYS THEY’RE GOING TO DITCH EVERYTHING, SO EVERYONE STUCK IN THIS FRAMEWORK THING IS PROBABLY GOING TO GET THROWN AWAY. SO DEALS DON’T MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE. YOU WILL DIE UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING.

Mordecai: That’s not fully true. If you take a deal, you do get added to the framework this guy is talking about, but it’s not until after the next season ends. He’s right when he says the whole thing is modular. It’s complicated. A lot of the senior game guides like myself, for example, aren’t a part of the primary framework at all. So if they do trash the whole dungeon, and they don’t first extract the indentured, those who took deals this season should be okay. Should be.

Mistress Tiatha: Who are you kidding, Mordecai? You really think any of us are getting out of this one?

Jurgen: Heidi and I wish to go, but we do not want to abandon Lucia. I can’t leave my fuzzy buddy, either.

Prepotente: Do not call me that! As an adherent of the Epicure, I am unable to exit via this exploit, if it even works and is not an elaborate trap.

It just went on and on like this. Meanwhile, I was going through all of my notes.

I wasn’t certain if Rosetta would know who Herot was since he came after her in the cookbook. She didn’t react to the name drop, but the mention of Menerva clearly meant something to her as she asked me a dozen questions. But she was hesitant to tell me more. Menerva wasn’t a cookbook author, but if she truly gave up everything to work with Herot, then I knew she was an ally. I just needed a way to talk to her.

We really needed to get back to our garage. We only had a few hours left. But if we could get to this other Corcunda, we could get this Dong quest buttoned up as well. It was now crucial that we complete it.

Tipid had a surprisingly deep knowledge about hidden guildhalls. More so than Mordecai and Mistress Tiatha combined, both of whom literally worked in guildhalls when they weren’t on manager duty.

And he insisted that this Stage Performance guild would be hidden here, in the Lollipop.

Tipid hadn’t been with us at the C&W&U, but he was here now at the bar. I pulled up and sat next to him while the others piled into their regular corner.

I hadn’t talked too much to him after he’d had his memory wiped, and I felt guilty about it. But everything was moving so quickly, I hadn’t really had a chance.

“I don’t know about this thing with the war mages,” Tipid said as I slid next to him. He motioned to the gremlin barkeeper, who started pouring a second beer. “Under normal circumstances, the mere mention of any of this would be met with a severe beatdown from both the AI and the showrunners.”

“Yeah, it’s all off the rails,” I said. I nodded at the barkeeper. I started to take a sip, but hesitated. This was a different beer than the one Imani had vetted last time we were in here.

Tipid grunted. “This one gives a 2% Constitution bump for the next race. You’re fine. Don’t eat the peanuts, though.” I took a sip. It was delicious. I received a notification about the constitution buff.   

“I don’t know who Menerva is,” Tipid continued. “She might’ve been a season before my time. But I do remember watching Herot during my time as a game guide.” He paused and then tapped the bar thoughtfully. “Wasn’t one of mine, but I remember that season. Was a lot like you. And Rosetta. Little fucker was a real thorn in the side of...” He started thinking. “I can’t remember who was running that season. Maybe the orcs. Anyway, I would trust anything that little lizard says. Smart bugger. Always had a giant crowd of NPCs with ‘em.  You gotta find a way to talk to them directly if you can. War mages are evil fuckers. It’s possible they’re working together, but more likely they’ll use you to clear out that floor and will kill the lot of you to take it all for themselves. That war mage also mentioned Shadow Mimics. That’s probably the true problem. Dealing with those guys is gonna be a real chore.”

“Isn’t that what Mordecai really is this floor?”

“Yep, but it’s glitching out. It’s impossible for him to be both a changeling and a shadow mimic. Changelings can’t even touch mimics. And Shadow Mimics don’t get the skills of those they copy, so it’s just plain broken. But it also means there might be one or two of those running around this floor. So be careful.”

I nodded.

Imani: Did Samantha leave?

Carl: She’s gone. You’re safe.

Imani, Chris, and Elle entered the bar with a newcomer in tow. This was a tall, thin human with flowing robes. A fleshmancer. Imani just hired him as a mercenary, and the plan was to keep him hidden in their guild until he was needed.

We decided ahead of time not to let Samantha see or talk to the guy. Even though we’d used up the golem she was going to use to get her body back, we just knew that if Samantha knew we had a fleshmancer with us, she would harass him endlessly. We didn’t want to risk him bouncing until after we completed the Dong quest.    

On stage, the skeleton guy with the pope hat finished his song.

“That was ‘White Wedding’ as sung by the Minister of Blood-Letting. Next up is Tipid... Oh. Next up is Tipid singing ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52s.”

Tipid stood. “Okay, I can’t sing, so this isn’t going to work. But if my theory is correct, a gauge will appear above me when I sing. If that happens, then we know the guild is here.”

Donut started shouting loud encouragement as Tipid moved to the stage, taking the microphone from the skeleton man. He turned to face us, bowed, and the song started.

He was correct. He could not sing. But sure enough, a magical gauge, going from red to yellow to green appeared over him, kinda similar to the gauge on the “Guitar Hero” game. It never left the red.

I groaned. I could already see where this was going.

There was polite applause when he was done, and he returned to his spot on the bar. Donut came rushing up.

“That was fantastic!” she exclaimed. “I love that song! You did such a great job! Even the evil pope guy liked it! What was that needle thingy! How do I get one of those?”

Prepotente also approached. He was drinking one of his sodas with the striped straw, sipping loudly. The bartender was glaring at him. “Excellent performance,” he said.  

“Yeah, so,” Tipid said. He grabbed the stapled-together binder off the counter and slid it over. It was the book one used to pick songs for karaoke. “There’s a secret mark on a handful of songs on this list. If you pick the right song, it’ll engage the entrance sequence for the guild. If you can get through the entire song with your needle in the green, you will gain access.” He paused. “Only those who get the green needle the whole time will be able to enter.” He looked at me. “So if you want in, you gotta sing.”

“Great,” I said.

Donut was bouncing up and down with excitement. She moved to the binder. “This is great! What an amazing way to have a secret door! It’s just like with bard magic. How do we find the songs! It’s too bad it’s only from the stupid 1980s. Isn’t everyone from that era dead already?” She gasped. “Wait, are there any Whitney Houston songs?” She gasped a second time, even louder. “Celine Dion! What about Celine Dion?”

“I’m pretty sure Celine Dion got famous in the 90’s,” I said.

“Hmm, I suppose you’re right. She did the song for that one movie where that lady lets her homeless boyfriend drown.” Her eyes got big. “Stevie Nicks! Was she in the 1980’s?”   

I laughed. “I’m pretty sure she had some 80’s hits, yes.”

“Celine Dion first charted in Canada in 1981,” Prepotente said. “But that was in French. She didn’t chart in the United States, and in English, until 1990 with her Unison album. It’s not likely there are any of her songs in that binder, but it is worth a look. Carl, what type of music do you like anyway?”

“Don’t even ask,” Donut said. “It’s quite embarrassing.”  

“How in the hell do you know all that about Celine Dion?” I asked.

“I know a lot of things, Carl,” Prepotente said. He left his empty soda glass on the counter and pulled a second one out. This one smelled distinctly like grape. He started sipping loudly. “That’s what happens when you’re intelligent. You know things.”

“That’s not intelligence,” I said. “That’s...”

“Hey! You! No outside drinks!” the bartender said.

I quickly covered my ears. I didn’t do it fast enough. Prepotente screamed right next to my face, causing Donut to yowl, Tipid to say “what the hell?” and the gremlin to fall back. The kappa on stage paused her song and shot a glare our way.  

“Okay, goat boy,” the gremlin said, irritated, as he pulled himself up. “Drink it outside!”

“But this is a drinking establishment!”

“Yeah. One where you’re only allowed to eat and drink things you bought here. No outside food. This ain’t a charity. You like that new fancy restaurant so much, go drink your stuff over there.”

He looked as if he was going to protest further, but Donut looked up at him. “You better put it away.”

Prepotente huffed. “I will not frequent an establishment where I’m not wanted!” He turned and stormed outside.

I sighed, turning my attention to Donut, who started flipping through the book. “What’s the secret mark?” she let out a little squeal. “Ohh, Queen. I could probably do a good Freddie Mercury! I think we have the same range.”  

Carl: Mordecai. Remember that potion we were talking about before? The bard one? We’re going to need some.

Mordecai: Tipid warned me. They’re brewing now, but they won’t be ready until just before the next race.