Book 8, chapters 39 and 40 (Patreon)

Hey all. I hope you had a good holiday. Who will I see at Dragonsteel Nexus this weekend? It's my last event of the year. Thank you all for your continued support!

Chapter 39

“I do not see why both of you must sit upon me at the same time,” Dorata complained. “You are exceeding my recommended weight capacity!”

I grunted with annoyance. “How about you shut up?”

Donut sat on my shoulder, but I was the one in the seat.

If you decide to tear that seat out, I will not protest. Hey. You. Get your warty fingers off my controls.  

“You still have the base model GPS,” Olga said from behind the wheel. “You should’ve upgraded it by now. She’s going to be crucial for this race.”

I... Well, I agree completely. I am crucial. In fact, I am now receiving the new map. Please hold.

“My breathtaking princess. You should sit here,” Dorata whined. “Just you and you alone. Without you, I have no purpose. No reason to even exist. When you add the nude human, I am unable to function.”

“I am not naked,” I said.

“You are in your underwear. I worry you might get pinkeye, my princess.”   

“Does that thing have a mute button?” Finley asked from behind. “It’s more annoying than the shark.”    

“Dorata, do please stop complaining,” Donut said. “Nobody likes it when someone complains too much.” She turned to Olga. “Anyway, can you believe that stupid gauge thing at the bar? It was clearly broken. It didn’t even move!”

I’d tried to stop her, but Donut insisted on attempting to gain entrance to the guild. She’d picked a Journey song, and she had not engaged her autotune. It had gone as one might expect.

“I thought you did a fine job,” Finley said. “It was a great song. Don’t you think, Que?”

The fire fairy, who was hovering in the back of the truck, let out a noncommittal squeak.

“Thank you, Finley,” Donut sniffed.

I gave the fire fairy an uneasy look. She was acting strangely depressed. She’d stopped talking about us killing Hellik. I suspected this had to do with the conversation in the shop. All NPCs acted differently when they first came into contact with a fully-awakened NPC like Akuma. She kept raising her finger, like she was about to say something regarding it, and then she changed her mind.

She was still doing her job, however. When we sat down and started discussing our defensive plans for the race, she showed us her Fire Lance spell, which was damn impressive. It was similar in speed to that of the defensive towers from Larracos on the last floor.

Both Finley and Olga could also fight, though Finley was more of a brawler. Olga had some spitting attacks, including some gross spell where she sprayed blood from her eyes. Hopefully we’d never have to see it.   

Quemada’s existence caused an issue with the explosive belts as she was too tiny to wear it, so I just straight up told her what the problem was. None of the mercenaries seemed to be offended by the idea of the fail safe devices. The fairy allowed me to build a custom, fairy-sized bandolier with just a small amount of the explosive gel.

Still, she was acting odd.  

We had about ten minutes before the start of the race. We were not assigned starting spots, and we chose the far right of the roadway. Team Free Love pulled up next to us. Their van no longer had tires, and it now floated just off the ground, like a speeder from Star Wars.

The large, fog-covered jungle loomed ahead. A wide, dirt track sat in front of us. The track branched just before the tree line.  

We hadn’t yet spied who the new team was. Nor did we yet see any sign of the other heats that would supposedly get combined with ours. Imani and Elle’s team were also facing the same scene, but I didn’t know where they were in relation to us.

The loudspeaker crackled. Zev’s harried voice echoed. Her neutral tone filled me with dread.

Hello, racers.

For this race, you will have the survival containment activated. The containment system creates a rule change, so please listen carefully.

The survival containment is a translucent, indestructible, circular bubble that surrounds your vehicle or mount. You will see it as soon as this message is over. It will not interfere with any existing shields or any other systems of your vehicle or mount. Spells and projectiles will pass through. Its only purpose is to protect you and your mount from the toxic, unbreathable air of your next heat.

Different tracks have different air hazards, but in all races, if this containment is removed, you will likely perish quickly if you don’t prepare countermeasures. All races this heat will have a required pit stop where one must stop for at least two hours. You will have access to your garage for repairs during pit stops. There will also be vendors who will be, uh, selling countermeasures in case you lose your containment.

Like I said, your containment bubble is indestructible. At least for this heat. However, there is a way for you to lose it. This is the rule change part, so please pay attention. If your vehicle is destroyed or your mount is killed, you no longer automatically lose. You will, however, lose your containment. If you can survive this, and you manage to cross the finish line before another team, you can still survive. How that might possibly happen, I don’t know, but it’s the new rule.

The team that comes in last place will still lose. You still cannot pass the finish line outside your conveyance if your conveyance is still intact, or if you are missing any team members.

If this happens, however, you will not get your old vehicle or mount back. You will have the option to build or buy your own replacement. As these last few races will require some...physics-defying upgrades, you will also be given one system-chosen upgrade in addition to whatever you receive for finishing the race.

Also, from now on, the team that wins is given a key. That key will open a single garage of a defeated team. Within, you may find additional supplies to upgrade your vehicle or mount along with other items possibly. And in some cases, you may find an entire vehicle or mount. If you do find a second vehicle or mount, you can add it to and expand your garage, and you may choose which to use for the next race. And yes, you may switch vehicles during pit stops.  

And finally this race you will see other heats racing alongside you on the same track. For this particular heat, containment stealing isn’t active. Take what you will from that statement.

Okay everyone. Good luck. The race starts in ten minutes. Your GPS or saddle units will have your maps now. See you at the finish line.      

The whole vehicle buzzed, and a bubble appeared around us. It was opaque at first, but then it faded, no longer visible except when it occasionally caught the light, like a real bubble. It spread about a meter in every direction outside the truck, which was good, because that meant we could still use door or roof gunners.

“Carl, did you understand all of that?” Donut asked.

“Yeah. We’ll need to stock up on more of those breathing potions Mordecai made. I have the motorcycle and the Royal Chariot in my inventory still, too, in case we need to pull them out.” I sent a quick note to Mordecai.

“I don’t suppose you can fit five on that motorcycle?” Olga asked drily.

“No, but we can on the royal chariot,” I said.

Mordecai: I heard it. We’ll need full-body hazard suits for you both in addition to some new potions. For now you have the acid rain protection I already provided along with the upgraded water breathing scrolls. All your other water breathing buffs won’t work if the air itself is toxic. Or caustic. Try not to get blown up.

Carl: Yeah. That’s the plan.

We had the back door open to keep an eye on all the approaching teams. I turned in my seat, craning my neck to see all the teams as they approached.  

The tumbleweed of Team Sparkles pulled up, sporting a pair of massive, metallic exhaust ports that were new. Lucienne was driving this time. The little, bug-eyed rodent creature was shouting something, but it wasn’t directed at us. I wasn’t sure it was directed at anyone.

The Lady Dominators pulled up next. I couldn’t tell what sort of upgrade they’d picked, but like usual, Corcunda remained passed out in the back.

Next up came One Fine Pig’s large APV, parking on the far left edge of the track.

“Now that’s just offensive,” Donut muttered as I laughed.

These guys had come in last place, and it was clear how the audience vote had gone. The truck’s military desert tan painting had been replaced with a vehicle wrap. It featured an anime-style pair of Tigrans each kissing the backside of a fat pig, all covered with little heart symbols everywhere.

“Why are those red symbol things the same as on your underwear?” Olga asked.

“They’re hearts!” Donut said. “They depict love!”

“That’s not what a heart looks like,” Olga said. “I’ve seen a lot of hearts. And why would a heart depict love? A tongue should depict love.”

“Or claws,” Finley replied. “I ain’t never seen a symbol like that, either. I think you’re making that up.”  

Donut: ZEV, DO PEOPLE REALLY NOT KNOW WHAT THE HEART SYMBOL IS? THAT’S SO SAD.

Zev: Actually, it’s a new trend due to Carl’s boxers. It started soon after the dungeon opened, and it’s become a thing. There was another crawler who spray-painted hearts everywhere until they died. That always happens. Symbols and actions catch on outside. Last season, during Land War, some people started picking things off each other as a sign of affection. That’s what those guys did during that season, though for them, they were picking bugs off each other. Thankfully that one is out of style now. But the hearts don’t really mean love like they do on Earth. It’s more associated with lust.

Donut: WAIT, REALLY? OMG! I USE THE HEART SYMBOL IN THE PRINCESS POSSE NEWSLETTER! NO WONDER SPANIELDEATH3003 KEEPS SHOWING ME HIS BUTTHOLES.

“Can we focus on the race, please?” I said out loud. And then, upon seeing who our newest opponent was, I groaned. My heart sank. “Goddamnit.”

It was a pair of crawlers on a mount. They also had a dwarf mercenary with a crossbow behind them in a little basket. The mount was a heavily armored, six-legged thing that looked like a wildebeest mixed with a triceratops. Little sparks flew with each step. It also wore a giant, double saddle that was covered with spikes that glowed with enchantment.

Bruna the Slaughter Gnu.

This is the biological mount of Team Flamengo for the purpose of the 10th floor. As such, it is protected from most spells that would normally affect mounts.

Slaughter Gnus are six-legged beasts of burden that historically were used a war mounts for a race of creatures called Scads, or the Rascals by some. Scads are like orc goblin things and are pretty rare nowadays, though that’s because after they stopped killing each other on battlefields, they upgraded to killing each other with nuclear holocaust before their post-apocalyptic world got absorbed into the Syndicate.

ANYWAY. Slaughter Gnus are remarkably hardy, deceptively quick dumbasses. They have the ability to scale vertical surfaces with the alacrity of a horny mountain goat, and their long coat keeps them warm in even the most harsh conditions. Their hide is especially tough, too, making them perfect mounts for this floor.

Unfortunately they’re not the brightest bulbs in the box. That name is not meant to warn off enemies. It’s meant to warn off potential riders. Slaughter Gnus are apt to walk right off a cliff if you let them.

And sitting on the back of Bruna the Slaughter Gnu was Osvaldo. The small, red-haired crawler was now level 66. He glared at us angrily as he approached the starting block. His race was something called a Curupira. He still looked mostly human, though I was pretty sure that red hair was not his natural color, and I wasn’t certain if his small frame was how large he’d been as a human, as he was barely five feet tall. There was something weird going on with his feet, too, but it was hidden with his large boots.

He was not driving Bruna. Another crawler, a level-63 human Strongman named Filipe L was holding the reins. I’d seen this guy quite a few times but had never spoken with or really examined him. This one was about my height and was all muscle. He looked huge next to Osvaldo.

I took a breath. This was not good. We had plans we were working on to hopefully save as many people as we could, but we were going to run out of time. It was going to be us or them.

Even though Osvaldo had been on and off the top charts, I’d only had limited dealings with him. He was a bit of a prick, but it seemed like I only talked to him when terrible stuff was happening. I knew he was from Brazil, and I knew his now-devastated team had all focused early on only putting points into a single stat. For Osvaldo, it had been dexterity. For this Filipe guy, it was clearly strength.

That had served them well early on, but in recent floors, their entire team had been whittled down. They’d chosen to hide and not fight during Faction Wars, a fact that did not sit well with Donut. Or Elle. Especially not Elle.  

Not that it had helped them. By the end, everyone had to fight whether they liked it or not.

Osvaldo once had a pet stone hawk named Gimli. The bird had died at the end of the Butcher’s Masquerade, killed by Prepotente, or more likely, Bianca, when they all started fighting over who got to loot the corpse of Queen Imogen.   

The item Osvaldo had looted was the memorial crystal of Apito, whose existence was a big mystery because, supposedly, Apito wasn’t dead. That same memorial crystal was now in Prepotente’s hands. I didn’t know the details, but he’d been able to steal the artifact from Osvaldo during the chaos at the end of Faction Wars.

It seemed all three of us. Me, Prepotente, and Osvaldo all had quests related to the crystal.  

Also, Osvaldo worshipped a god or goddess named Tupa. I’d never heard of that one. Filipe also worshipped the same one.

The realization that these guys did worship a deity was devastating. That meant they wouldn’t be able to go to the Pineapple Cabaret if we ever found a way to open the door. Which also meant we were now stuck with them.  

I sighed. There has to be a way. There has to be.

Carl: Osvaldo. You’re in the same heat as us. Don’t do anything too rash. We have plans in motion to get as many people out as possible. Don’t kill any of the other racers. If you kill the pig in the APV, you’ll summon Taranis. If you kill the lady mantaurs, we’re all fucked. The bugbears in the van are our friends. The unicorn in that bush thing has really powerful weapons, and they’re the biggest threat. So be careful. We’re gonna try to take them out this race.

Osvaldo: Fuck off, Carl. I’m not talking to you. I won’t attack you during the race unless it’s you or us, but I don’t give a shit about any of the other teams.

Donut: YOU ARE ONLY ALIVE BECAUSE ME AND CARL, YOU STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO, LOW BUDGET LEPRECHAUN. YOU BETTER LISTEN OR ELSE.     

“Goddamnit, Donut. Don’t antagonize him,” I said. “He’s not an enemy.”  

“He’s not going to help us, Carl. He knows it’s us or him, and he’s probably terrified.”

I looked over at Donut, surprised. She made what seemed like a small, inconsequential shrug.  

“It’ll be easier if we stay not liking each other,” she added, turning to look out the window so I couldn’t see her face. “It’s best not to dwell on it. We have a race to win. Let’s figure this map out before we start.”  

Oh, Donut, I thought, doing my best to stave off the wave of dismay that suddenly overwhelmed me. No.

But I didn’t know what else to do or say.

Chapter 40

Dr. Metcalf beeped.

We have over 40 possible paths to the pit stop, which is approximately 35 kilometers away as the bird flies. Actual length varies greatly depending on the path we choose. Not surprisingly, the safer the path, the longer it is. The safest path appears to be almost 100 kilometers and is mostly winding dirt road, though marks on the map indicate large mobs about halfway through. The shortest path as a direct line through the jungle which may require the clearing of foliage, very uneven ground, and there appears to be a Temple of the Exploding Snake Goddess in the way. I don’t know what that means and don’t want to know.

A winding path lit up on the map.

Here is my suggestion. We start on the direct path, but we veer off before the temple. We will be forced to cross the I-Sure-Hope-These-Piranhas-Haven’t-Learned-to-Fly river here. There’s no bridge, but the map indicates the water as shallow and it shouldn’t be an issue with the tire and gyro upgrade. Then we will loop around the Southern Cannibal village, and we catch the end of the dirt road right into Upano. This path will circumvent any boss monsters or quests. Based on what we find at this pit stop and any necessary repairs, I can plot our path for the second half of the race, assuming we’re not dead.

“What is that symbol here,” I asked, pointing at a line just past the river.

That is a ravine. There is a bridge. Hopefully. If we get there first, we can cut the bridge so anyone following us will have to go around.  

I grunted. “We don’t need to sabotage anyone. Not yet. But if someone is ahead of us, they might do it, and then we’ll have to go around.”

That is a risk, yes. But if we have to go around, it will still be quicker than taking the regular path.  

“If we’re all split up, how can we tell what place we’re in?” Donut asked.

Gee, I don’t know. Maybe if I was properly updated I could help with that.

“What about traps?” I asked.

They don’t put traps on the map. That would defeat the purpose of them being traps.

“I’ll have to keep my eyes forward the whole time,” I said. “That means Donut, Quemada, and Finley you keep your eyes out for threats behind and to the sides.”

You know the third GPS upgrade comes with a threat radar.

“I get it,” I said through gritted teeth. “There’s only so much we can choose each race.”

This all comes from your inability to commit. Your fear that decisions are the same as shackles.

“What? What are you talking about?”

Outside, it started to rain. Ahead, the grass sizzled, and soon a smoky haze filled the area, and we could no longer see the dirt road. The containment bubble would protect us from the air, but it wouldn’t help us with the rain.  

“Activating the shield,” Olga said.

Thwum. The new shield turned on, and it was the exact same size as the containment, though this was much more visible. Outside, Lucienne was still screaming, and Dwight had also joined in, but they were screaming down at the Dominators, whose car I couldn’t see now that they’d pulled up to the starting line.

While the plan was to try to kill Team Sparkles, we didn’t have a specific strategy in place this time. I was starting to realize that was a mistake. I hadn’t talked to the womantaurs, but I knew they very likely held a grudge against Team Sparkles for blowing us all up at the end of the last race. If they tried something, it was likely that Corcunda was going to get killed. I couldn’t let that happen.

He was the key to everything. Everything.

And now those idiots also had team Flamengo on the other side of them. A team that was just as likely to attack them as the unicorn.

I thought again of what Donut had said. I reached up to touch her, and I realized she, too, was shaking.  

“No,” I said out loud.

“No what?” Donut asked.

I sent another message to Osvaldo. I tried a different tactic.

Carl: Hey, Osvaldo. I know you’re not talking to me, but I wanted to message you anyway. This is just you and me. Sorry about Donut. She lashes out when she’s stressed. Look, I have a question, and I hope you answer. Did you have a quest with that memorial crystal? And did you fulfill that quest? Did you ever figure out how to use it?

He didn’t answer right away. We only had a few minutes before the race would start.  

Osvaldo: I had a quest to collect a memorial crystal for Tupa. I didn’t get it until right at the moment that Imogen died, and that my entire party would get smited if I didn’t collect it, so I did. But then after I got it, he said that one was corrupted, wrong. Then I had a lead on a second one in the forest during Faction Wars, and we hunted it down, and then the god said that one was wrong, too, and now I have a new quest to find out why the memorial crystals aren’t working right. I have no clue how to figure it out. And I have no idea how to use them. You’re supposed to be able to use the spells the god had, but Tupa never showed me how. I just know they blow up like soul gems if you’re not careful. I think they are soul gems. I think they’re the same thing.

Carl: Wait, so you had two memorial crystals?

Osvaldo: That’s why I gave that one to the goat. I was going to break it in front of him for killing Gimli, but I’m so tired of this. Tupa wasn’t sponsored at first, but now he is by some rich asshole. So I just gave the crystal to the goat. And then he was a complete prick about it and started yelling at me for not giving it to him sooner.

Christ, I thought. I had completely misread that situation. My intention was to just get him talking, but now I was intrigued. Goddamn Prepotente had all the smarts in the world and still had no idea how to deal with people.

Carl: Who is the god you have the second crystal for?

I felt heat on my shoulder opposite Donut. It was Quemada.

“Uh, Que?” Finley asked from behind us. “You doing okay, mate?”

I turned to see the small fire fairy was just floating there. She was sobbing.

“I don’t know what is real anymore,” she said. “Is this real? Are you real? Am I real? Does any of this matter?”   

Osvaldo: Ysalte. The Vinegar Bitch. The one Paz killed. He was my friend, you know. Paz and Anton and even Sister Ines. It’s like everyone who ever comes in contact with you, dies. Now it’s our turn, I suppose.

Ahead, the floating traffic lights turned from red to yellow. The race would start in 20 seconds.

Fucking hell, I thought.