Book 8, chapters 46, 47, & 48 (Patreon)

Hey everyone! Nothing too new to report since the last update. I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday. We are truckin'

I'm going through right now and making some retcons to better fit some future chapters. When that is done, I'll post a story-so-far ebook so people can catch up. Some of the biggest changes are:

• the Lollipop karaoke bar is NOT a safezone anymore
  

• I'm adding some discussion on the nature of cleaner bots, including some info on a cleaner bot shortage in the store
  

• I still haven't decided on the total number of heats. I think we're going to make it seven so the final heat will have three racers instead of just two.
  
  ALSO the vote for the waterpark was so close to the house vote, we'll do both. BUT since the house one lost, I'm going to make a few minor, what-the-hell-are-you-smoking tweaks.
  

Chapter 46

“This is not acceptable,” Donut said for the hundredth time. “I’m going shopping with Elle and Britney. Ew, ew, ew.”

“Most of the town is cleaned out,” Florin said as I examined the bottom of my foot. “Wasn’t much to begin with honestly. A few food vendors, but it seems most of the buffs aren’t very good.” He shoved a bucket in Imani’s hands and then grabbed another and handed it to me. He pointed up. “You gotta call up to them to see if they’re selling. And if they are, you gotta catch the stuff. It’s a potion that they excrete.”

Even though they weren’t on our track, it turned out a few different races were using the same pit stop location, which was really weird given the theme. In one direction loomed a wall with tubes, which was the Satan’s Waterpark theme of Louis and Prepotente’s race, and in another direction stood the devil’s cliffs, which was the desert track Florin and Chris found themselves upon. There was one additional direction, which led to what appeared to be a rip-off of the third floor. After talking to a few crawlers, it appeared that track was called “the eternal slum.”

Still, this wasn’t everyone. Tran’s pit stop was a Candy Land setting, and a few other crawlers reported they were at what was basically a shopping mall that just went on and on and on.

The storyline with the cannibals seemed to exist in all four worlds feeding into our own, which was doubly strange. In the waterpark, there were gingers literally falling down the slides on inner tubes attacking the racers. In Florin’s world, they had dune buggies. There was a version of the cannibal leader in all iterations, but as far as I was aware, we were the only ones who’d triggered the kill-the-northern-leader quest.

Still, it was good to see the others. Standing here now was me, Imani, Donut, Florin, Louis, and Chris. Lucia Mar was in town, but she was sitting quietly at a food vendor somewhere, being watched by Jurgen and Prepotente, making certain she didn’t come across any other crawlers, especially not that Archie ladybug guy, who apparently lost a kid at the beginning of the crawl. Archie wasn’t a bad person, but he was intense in a way that freaked Lucia out whenever he was around, and when Lucia got freaked, Lucia prime took over, which made her unpredictable.

She was currently in her hag form, but the mind in control was some kid from Romania. An 8-year-old boy named Ion.  

Florin was calling Jurgen “The Lucia whisperer.” As crazy as that dude was, he apparently had a way with her that kept her calm.

Florin said they were currently in first place in their heat. Chris’s team was also doing well, despite having a big rig complete with a trailer. They’d focused on movement-based upgrades, and they were powering their way through their desert track, which ran alongside some very sheer cliffs, being led by Florin’s tricked-out tuk-tuk.

Elle had taken one whiff and had noped out of the tunnel, instead choosing to check out the vendors.

The ground here under the wide tunnel was absolutely covered in the white fluid, but it was spongy and sticky like paint that was not quite yet dried. I had to peel my foot off the ground with every step. I could tell that it was practically a foot thick. There were multiple sets of deep cart ruts etched into the stuff, like sled tracks in the snow. There was a sign on the wall warning that the ground would be cleaned “soon” but the sign was old and weathered and stained.

It stank like sulfur and animal filth and vinegar under here, and I had to make a conscious effort to keep from gagging. Donut had started complaining about the smell the moment we entered the village.

Imps, many dragging or pushing carts, occasionally traveled under the tunnel, using the weathered ruts in the ground, pushing past us, and they all hurried as they moved, not talking, and not looking up.

“What do you mean excrete?” Donut demanded.

Across the way, a draconian racer held the bucket up as the shadowy creature above let loose a stream of white liquid, only it missed the bucket for the first several seconds, and the racer got a face-full of the stinking fluid.

I was simultaneously dealing with this while I fielded the updates from all the other crawlers.

Zhang and Li Na hadn’t yet appeared at their pit stop, meaning they weren’t in first place for the first time ever. Zhang was driving this race, and Tran said he was deliberately holding back while Li Na sat stoically on the back of Torpedo, their octopus. Zhang himself was only answering by saying they were “doing okay. Not to worry.” Li Na had gone mostly non-verbal, only speaking to Zhang. Tran said he’d had to talk all the other crawlers in their heat not to deliberately attack them. He was worried they were going to anyway.

But he’d also confirmed that Li Na had a health bar on her now. It was still in the green.  

“It’s not splooge,” Louis said, bringing me back to the tunnel. He and Chris were standing there, also looking up. Both carried almost-full buckets. Louis had the white stuff all over his face. “That’s what I thought it was at first. It says it’s ‘secretions.’ I don’t think that means poop, but it smells like it.”

“And they’re selling it?” Donut asked, incredulous. She started to hack on my shoulder. “I’m going to vomit. And it’s a potion? I will not be eating anyone’s ‘secretions.’ Do I look like a brain-damaged dachshund named Larry?”  

We had moved under a tall, shadowy bridge in the middle of the town. Most of the vendors were imps, who were like smaller versions of the gremlins, but the vast majority of the residents were winged, one-eyed bat-like creatures called Popos. That’s what these things selling their secretions were.

There were hundreds of them here under the bridge. Most were hanging upside down and appeared to be asleep, but a small handful were dangling right-side up, looking down at us. Their single, large eyes occasionally glinted like glass in the shadows. I noted some of them were like twice the size of the others. All of the big ones were upside down.

I examined one of the smaller, awake ones.

Enzi. Popo Secretion Vendor. Level 53.

These one-eyed, flying creatures were once one of the dominant species of the four areas, but the endless wars between the ginger forces have forced them to flee and consolidate, sharing space with the imps who have also been forced to gather for protection. Now all that remains is their meager city of Upano, located perilously between all four iterations of the warring factions.   

They have a barter economy, and they are more than willing to trade with the odd traveler who finds themselves in their humble city.

Their biggest weakness is that they are highly susceptible to peer pressure.

The chief export of the Popo is their miraculous emissions, which comes from their mixed diet of the acid-resistant bugs and plants of the jungle, the carbon-dioxide rich shrews from the waterpark, the poison-filled cactus sap of the desert, and toxic gas from the slum fleas. The chunky secretions can be quaffed as a potion, offering temporary protection against the acid rain and water and the pockets of toxic air that fills all four areas. The good news is that this stuff will also work as a protection against any toxic environment on the 10th floor, no matter what track you find yourselves upon. So don’t slurp it all up at once.   

One problem. Popo Potions can’t be applied via inventory. You gotta drink this shit manually.

Why? Because it’s hilarious, that’s why.   

“That’s not funny,” I muttered. “It’s nasty. I thought bat guano was like little brown pellets.”

“It is,” Florin replied. “Prepotente already took a sip and says it tastes even worse than you might think.”

“It’s not really poop,” Imani said, examining some of the dried stuff on the floor. “Despite what the description implies. It’s coming from a gland. It’s the same stuff they use to build their homes. It’s something different than poop, different than urine, different than milk, and different from semen. It’s more akin to what spiders use for their webbing.”

“And it smells worse than all of those things combined,” Donut added.

“Okay, whatever,” I said, looking up. “How do we pay for it? They say it’s a barter economy? What did you trade?”

Louis started to answer, but Florin put up a hand.

“Let’s let Carl find out on his own.”

“Yo,” Enzi called, looking down. I was expecting him to have an African accent, but he sounded like a dude from the US Midwest. “You buying? I got some good stuff, ready to go.” He dangled right-side up by both of his wings. He reached down with one of his wings and patted his fuzzy stomach. “I have a new batch brewed up. I got the highest concentration in the colony.”

“Yeah, that’s why nobody’s bought your shit yet,” called another bat. This one was hanging upside down, which I assumed meant he’d already sold his...load.

“Shut the hell up, Jabali,” Enzi snapped. The bat swung back and forth, his single eye shining down upon me. “Just ignore that guy. He’s the jealous sort. You buying the good stuff or what?”    

“Carl,” Donut said. “I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided I’m not playing this stupid game anymore. I’d rather choke to death.” She leaped away, landing in one of the ruts and started gingerly walking out from under the tunnel, saying “gross, gross, gross,” as she walked, making a bee-line for an imp vendor who appeared to be selling hats.

“Stay away from Lucia!” Florin called after her.

I sighed and looked up. “How much?” I called.

Enzi started to shake, I was pretty sure with excitement. “Okay, listen up. You gotta put a good word in for me with Zahara.” He pointed with his wing toward one of the larger bats, who appeared asleep. “All you gotta do is tell her you think I’m the best one.”

“Zahara?” the other bat, Jabali, said, scoffing. “You think you have a chance with Zahara? You need to pick one of the ugly ones, like Binti. Not Zahara.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” a new Popo asked, jolting awake. This was one of the bigger ones, and after a quick examination, I confirmed this was Binti. “Did you just call me ugly? You didn’t think I was ugly last week when you were trying to wag that thing at my vulva.”

“Oh no, not again,” said an imp that was passing through under the tunnel. He started to run even faster for the other side.

“I did no such thing,” Jabali said. He flipped himself right side up. “You’d be lucky to have me, uggo. I’m Geraldine’s boytoy now after my main man Louis put in a good word for me. Ain’t that right, Louis?”

“Uh,” Louis said.

“You insulting my man?” A new bat called. This was, apparently, Geraldine. She was talking to either Binti or Enzi.

This was spiraling out of control, and I could already see where it was about to end up.  

“Hey!” I called. “Zahara and Binti both. And all you other ladies. Enzi is where it’s at. You all want him because he’s, uh, the best. And Jabali is a dick.”

Everything stopped. They all looked down at me. Everyone was awake now. They all started flipping right side up.

“Wait, you think so?” the one named Geraldine called.

“That’s right, bitches!” Enzi called. “You heard the human! Now that’s an endorsement if I’ve ever heard one.” He looked down at me. “Bucket ready, friendo. Imma make that shit overflow! Bring your friend! Imma do two at once. Watch this!”

“Fuck me,” I muttered as I tried to aim the bucket properly. A moment passed, and then the liquid started to spew, coming out in multiple directions at once like a dirty showerhead while Enzi groaned loudly.

“Goddamnit,” I said as I tried to position the bucket under the largest stream. It was getting everywhere, including all over me. Imani hesitantly stepped forward and also gingerly held hers up. There was enough to fill both.

“Uh, mate,” Florin said, starting to back away.

“I think run,” Chris said, speaking for the first time.  

 I looked up, and while Enzi gleefully filled our buckets, several things were happening at once. Multiple female bats were moving across the ceiling of the tunnel, some toward Enzi, some toward Jabali, who was scream-trading obscenities with Binti. But several of the males seemed to have also taken offence at my endorsement of Enzi, and they, too, were moving in his direction.

And then they were fighting. All of them, all at once, and the stuff was going everywhere.

Actually, that wasn’t true. Most were fighting. All except Enzi, who was suddenly enjoying the attention of multiple bats at the same time, all the while getting jostled by the melee all around him. These attentions didn’t stop his emissions, but it was no longer like a bad showerhead. Instead it was like a yard sprinkler gone haywire. It just kept coming and coming and coming.  

Bucket full, we ran.   

Chapter 47

The great popo battle/orgy caused an issue with everyone who hadn’t yet collected the stinking potion. Imani and Elle set up in one corner of town, offering to share some of the extra with any crawlers who didn’t get any as those of us who’d gotten sprayed wrung out our clothes and hair into buckets.

The official name of the stuff was Popo Potion, but after a message Louis sent in the chat, everyone started calling it Splooge, much to Imani’s dismay.

Jurgen and Bautista led Lucia back toward their garage, which allowed Prepotente to rejoin us. He wouldn’t stop talking about all the benefits of this newly-discovered potion, even while the popo fights spread out into the street. Dozens of the bats were now fighting each other, tumbling through the air. Many were also copulating in public while loudly proclaiming how they were the best couple.

All of this was, apparently, a regular occurrence, and the imps all started putting large umbrellas up over their carts and carried on like normal.

“A single sip, like half of a potion bottle’s worth, appears to imbue one with about a half hour of protection,” Prepotente said while we continued to clean ourselves. “I would suggest you, Carl, give some samples to your manager. As suspicious as I was of him, I now believe he is quite talented when it comes to potions, and I suspect he may be able to distill it down even further, perhaps even replicate it. It is truly a superior and versatile protection against most environments, but I am suspicious that this will be our only chance to collect such protection, so we must be stingy, no matter how tempting it may be to take additional samples.”

Jacobus was buzzing around Prepotente’s head, but stopped and then announced, “Flagermusene har de samme tænder som ungerne fra Krakaren.”

“Wait, what did you say?” I asked. The creature had mentioned Krakaren, but I had no idea what he was saying.

“I certainly don’t understand,” Prepotente said, waving at the male fairy. “You, shoo.”  

“Geder har kun to flere tænder end tigre.”

“Ignore him,” Elle said. “Imani almost lost a card battle once because he chose to hump the side of a pole instead of fighting.”  

“Hun var en blid og varm elskerinde.”

Donut sat a good distance away, looking down at us with disdain. “Carl. If you intend on getting back into our vehicle smelling like that, I must insist that you first do a better job of cleaning yourself up.”

I started to answer, but we all paused as a notification blared. Zev’s voice came over a loudspeaker.

Hi again everybody. Most, but not all of you, have made it to your pit stops. The first teams are about to time out and be able to leave, so it’s time to reveal a few extra rules and the twists. Twist one is that the team that comes in first place of all the competing heats will receive an extra regular upgrade on top of the golden upgrade they’ll win, and don’t forget everybody gets a golden upgrade after this race, too. The bad news is that the team that comes in absolute last place of all the heats on your track will be eliminated, even if another team from your heat was already eliminated. Even if only two teams remain from all the heats, the last living team to cross the finish line will be eliminated. I know that’s not fair, but we just learned the rule ourselves.

Sorry, sorry, I’m doing my best. One last twist. As you’ve undoubtably noticed, each track has four separate heats on it, and each pit stop enjoins four tracks, so each pit stop area has a total of sixteen heats sharing the same area all at once. Here is the twist. Each individual heat will roll for what path they continue on, so the second half of your race may not be on the same track you started on. There will be a random drawing for each individual heat, so the heats will be jumbled up. The moment the team in first place in your heat times out, you will receive your new assignment.

Also, some of you have received quests that require you to complete tasks that you have not yet completed. Please do not worry about that. Even though all four tracks are very different, the associated quests are mirrored on each track, and your quest will be transferred. In other words, you will be able to complete your quest on the new track.

Good luck everybody.

“Shit,” I said, looking up in the air.

“Wait,” Donut said from her spot. “Does that mean we won’t be racing with Imani and Elle anymore? Or in the jungle?”

“Maybe,” I said. “We’ll find out in a few minutes. It also means we can’t let ourselves come in last place, even if another team is eliminated.”

Florin nodded. “We’re leaving in ten minutes. Just got the notification. Me and Lucia moved from the desert to Satan’s waterpark.”

“I’m staying in the desert,” Chris said a minute later.

“And I am moving to the jungle,” Prepotente said, walking up. “Unfortunate. I had the waterpark tunnels all figured out. Sweety will be most upset. There’s a pattern. It’s not anything near as complicated as the Iron Tangle, and there’s no big mystery. You just want to make certain you don’t take a wrong turn as they come quickly. It’s very high-speed. This jungle appears to be more leisurely.”

The leading team in your heat, Team Sparkles will soon be allowed to disembark. Rolling now for your track...You will be moving from the jungle track to Satan’s Waterpark.

We still had almost an hour before we could leave, which meant we were way behind Team Sparkles.

Before I could announce our new choice, I received a twin pair of notifications.

Your trap has activated! You have dissolved a Tigran! That hairy fucker is dead!

Again! Another trap has activated! You dissolved another tiger!

Team One Fine Pig has been eliminated due to the expiration of both racers. Five teams remain.

I held my breath, waiting to see if there was a notification about Penelope the pig. There was not. However, I did receive another message.  

You have killed Nico the level 93 Tigran. Do you wish to collect the experience for the kill? Alternatively, you may choose to allow the audience to vote on his fate. Make your choice now.

I hesitated, but then I chose, “Let the audience vote.”

“Do me a favor,” I said out loud, looking upward. “Everyone vote for him to go to the arena or parade or whatever. I want to kill him a second time.”  

Osvaldo: Did you do that?

Carl: I did.

Osvaldo: Would have been better to let them live, but sabotage their ride. Now one of us can still die if we come in last.

Carl: I know. We set it up before they made the announcement. Did you get your bucket?

Osvaldo: We have ours. We were going to come talk to you, but I saw the goat was there. I don’t want to have anything to do with him. But if you learn anything about this water park, let me know. Bruna didn’t do so great on the downhill race, and this sounds like it’s the same, but with water. We’ll be leaving soon.

Carl: I’ll tell you everything I know. I promise.

Osvaldo: Thank you, Carl.

“Looks like we’re in the slums,” Elle said. “Great. What did you get?”

“We have the waterpark!” Donut said.

“Okay,” I said out loud. I looked at Florin. “We are with you. But we’re also an hour behind. We need to win our heat. We need to win because we need to get that key. We need that key because we need to get that pig.”

“Mate, I don’t know what pig you’re talking about,” Florin said. “But if there’s a team in your heat you need slowed down just in case, you just let me know.”

“Good,” I said. “Let me tell you about a unicorn named Dwight.”

Chapter 48

“A hedgehog,” Donut said for the hundredth time. “This is just ridiculous.”

“Just ignore it,” I said. “Apparently this thing’s kids were on the first or second floor, but we never fought them. If we do this right, we won’t have to deal with it at all. What’s the casting time of your Nekhebit spell?”

Donut harumphed again. “It casts right away. I still don’t understand why I got any of these spells in the first place. What does raising trees and summoning rats have to do with a creepy vulture lady?”

Donut had received multiple, strange spells when she’d gained her Champion of Nekhebit title on the previous floor. That included Raise Forest, Summon Ye, Vermin, and Fresh into Salt, which she’d just used to kill a bunch of piranhas.

Nobody had any idea what any of that had to do with the vulture goddess. Mordecai had called them druid spells, which was especially strange as Odette’s Nekhebit was not associated with druid magic in any way. She was more known as a necromancer.

It didn’t matter right now. Right now we had to not only survive the rest of this race. We had to actually win. Again. And we had to do it without an available driver.

Solving that, too, required a Donut spell.   

We pulled out of the garage, turned the corner and moved to a jerking stop at the starting line with about one minute left before we could continue. We left Hedy and Jamal in the garage, and Donut had Mongo back in her inventory.

I remained sitting in the passenger seat with a white knuckle grip on the dash, Donut on my shoulder. Even Dorota had stopped complaining once the seat realized what was happening.

From the driver’s seat, the resurrected corpse of Olga made a slurping noise. Her head was completely caved in, but the toad’s long tongue still lolled out of the ruined mess, bobbing and oozing like a yo-yo that had been dipped in slime.

Donut’s Second Chance spell was currently at level 11, which brought it up to level 12 with her Brain Trust skill. The spell brought the dead corpse back to life for a maximum of 15 minutes, and she’d already been resurrected for five.

Thankfully, after talking a bit to Prepotente and Louis about the setup for this track, and after examining the map, I knew what we needed to do to win. But first we needed to get to the River of Sloth. Florin had already left forty minutes previously and was giving me a blow-by-blow on the track so far. He’d offered to go after the boss on our behalf, but we’d decided that he should instead pursue Dwight and Lucienne and attempt to slow them, as they most likely wouldn’t be taking the same path we’d chosen.  

Thankfully we had a way to catch up, assuming we could talk these corpses into driving in a straight line.

Osvaldo had also moved ahead of us, and I knew he was following Florin’s route. I hadn’t included him in the overall plan as I didn’t trust him, but if this worked out correctly, we would still be able to overtake him along with everyone else.  

I spent a moment just staring at the biggest wildcard in this insane plan.

The corpse behind the driver’s seat.

I was trying to sound confident, but this was a terrible idea. Since this was a summon, it skirted the rules. We were relying on voice instructions to drive the vehicle. I was already second-guessing our decision to do it this way, but the two alternatives were worse, especially since one of those alternatives was to have Mongo drive, which wasn’t really an alternative at all, but more of a last-ditch Hail Mary.  

Beside us, a vehicle I didn’t recognize rumbled to a stop. This was someone from Florin’s heat. It was a tow truck with a steering wheel on the right side, putting them right against Olga. The driver was a female troll with a high, pink mohawk and a hook nose. She had a cigarette dangling from her lip. Her eyes first lingered on me, and she started to smile big. She looked as if she was going to say something, but then she finally noticed Olga after an especially big spurt of fluid splattered out of the corpse. The cigarette dropped from the troll’s mouth, and she looked away.

Nobody else was on the line. I knew Jasha and Radoslav would be right behind us. They were frantically working on last minute repairs for their van. I’d warned them about what we were planning on doing. I also knew the camel’s double-decker bus had been mostly repaired, but they were now on the slum track, racing against Elle and Imani.

I went over what we knew so far about our new track, Satan’s Waterpark. There were dozens of tubes filled with various fluids, reminiscent of the Iron Tangle, though with a much easier-to-follow map. The problem wasn’t getting confused by the path, but by making sure you took the correct path in the first place as these were steep tunnels filled knee-deep with water. Or acid. Or other fluids, and it appeared that if you took the incorrect path, you would end up...inside...the boss of the track.

Satan himself was a country boss, but he was invulnerable, and he wasn’t a boss that one was meant to fight. He was the owner of the waterpark, and he lounged near the exit, occasionally offering loud opinions on the things happening. Occasionally poking at anything that got too close.  

Satan also wasn’t Satan in the traditional sense.

Satan was a hedgehog. A kaiju-sized, male hedgehog. And now that Donut knew this, she wouldn’t shut up about it. I had no idea why, but she, apparently, took issue with the entire species.

“Wannabe, effeminate porcupines,” she grumbled as we prepared for the race.  

According to Prepotente and Louis, the hedgehog had spent most of the first half talking and commenting on the racers as they made their way through the water slides.

“It’s unnatural,” Donut exclaimed upon hearing about it. “The waterslide ending up in the thing’s butt, I understand. Hedgehogs are notorious deviants. Louis didn’t say, but I bet it talks with a British accent. You know how I feel about fake British accents, Carl.”

“Wait,” I said now, suddenly remembering something. “Is this about that beauty contest thing? How do you even remember that? You were a kitten!”

I vaguely remembered one of Donut’s early cat shows wasn’t at a dedicated cat event, but at a sprawling pet festival in Tacoma that included dogs and exotic animals with multiple competitive events going on at once. It was one of the few shows I’d actually attended because it had a beer garden. The winners of each category had a “Cutest in show” showdown, and kitten Donut had been up against a few animals, including a Great Dane puppy with spots, a snake, a ferret, and a baby hedgehog named Jezebel who was one of the most goddamn adorable things I’d ever seen.

Jezebel had won, which had put Bea into a funk for the rest of the day. Donut, of course, was oblivious and had been happy to lick up my vanilla milkshake on the ride back to Seattle. I remember she’d gotten it all over her face, and Bea had been pissed because she’d had another show the very next day in the Tri-Cities. She’d ended up winning a giant trophy.      

“That has nothing to do with it,” Donut snapped. “Even if that was fixed from the beginning. Who names a hedgehog Jezebel anyway? Doesn’t that mean slut? So it was a slut hedgehog? She was a baby! The owner should’ve been disqualified just for that.”

“She was from a hedgehog rescue,” I said.

“Of course she was,” Donut said. “It was hardly a fair contest. Of course the slut orphan is going to win.”

I reached up and gave Donut a few strokes. She was nervous, which was why she was lashing out like this.

“It’ll be okay,” I said. She leaned into my hand.

Next to us, Olga groaned.

The tubes mostly dominated the first half of the race, but this second half was approaching the ground level of the park where the challenges were a little more eclectic. Dr. Metcalf now had the map, and there were multiple paths, including a few more slides, the ominously titled toddler splash pad, the wave pool, and a massive loop-de-loop, which was the fastest path to the exit, but was clearly the most dangerous. The giant loop dominated the bottom part of the park.

Our path was just south of the loop and was called the River of Sloth. This last one was clearly the slowest path. It was the waterpark’s version of a lazy river. This was deeper than the water in the tubes, and there were supposedly rafts, but we had plans to deal with it all.

Olga made a bubble-popping noise as more gore oozed from her ruined head onto the seat.

Dr. Metcalf beeped.

This is absolutely disgusting. She doesn’t have a head, and I can’t imagine that ridiculous spell is going to last long enough. We are all going to die.

“I’m going to cast Clockwork Triplicate before it times out,” Donut said, having composed herself. “That’ll give us about twenty more minutes. Don’t be such a Debby Downer. It’ll work.” She took a breath. “Right, Carl?”

“Right,” I said as Olga continued to leak.

But why did you pick the one without a head?  

“Finley’s remains don’t have legs,” I said. “I used up most of my good corpses on the last floor, but if she doesn’t work out, we do have a few more. We have a camel, a couple of NPCs from Faction Wars, and Elle lent us a ton of dead orcs.” I didn’t add that most of the orcs were also headless. Elle had gotten really good at some spell that froze and then caused to explode the liquid surrounding one’s brain.

SHE DOESN’T HAVE A GODSDAMNED HEAD. HOW IS SHE HEARING YOUR COMMANDS?

“I find it’s better not to think too hard on some of this stuff,” Donut replied. “I don’t know how she hears me, but she does, and she’s completely at my command, isn’t that right Olga?”

Olga squelched in agreement.  

I re-examined the map update for the waterpark. The ginger basecamp was right at the halfway point for the River of Sloth, so we’d be forced to take this path whether we wanted to or not.

The gingers on this track weren’t called cannibals but “Season Pass holders.” Our quest had been updated, and we still needed to find and kill this Maurice guy.

Elle and Imani, who were in the never-ending slum still had the quest also, and they needed to find and kill another iteration of Maurice, this one called the Red Menace of Tinker Town.  

Beside us, the tow truck zoomed off. We still had ten seconds. The truck disappeared through the arch, and I heard a deep, booming laughter. That was Satan the hedgehog.

“Jolly good show,” he said. “Pip, pip!”  

From my shoulder, Donut bristled.  

The floating light in front of us turned green.

“Go! Go!” Donut shouted.

A spurt of goo leaked from Olga’s neck hole, and we were off.