Book 8, chapter 44 and 45 (Patreon)

Just got back from LA where I visited my daughter and finally got to met Seth MacFarlane face-to-face. I also met Soleil Moon Frye, so it's all downhill from here. More details on all that soon. On the merch front, a few people have started to notice T-shirts popping up in Hot Topic stores. Yes, those are official.

Waterstones in the UK is selling a cool, sprayed-edge version of Operation Bounce House. That's one of two special editions that are coming in addition to the regular edition. Some of the ads for this edition say they're signed. They're not. The OTHER special edition books which I'm not allowed to mention even though it's the worst kept secret ever ARE signed. I know this because I already did, and it took a long-ass time. Hopefully they'll announce it soon.

The Rhythm Mafia is the name of the main character's band in the book.

https://www.waterstones.com/book/operation-bounce-house/matt-dinniman/2928377370312

In the meantime, here are two chapters. I hope everyone is well, and thank you so much for the continued support.

Chapter 44

“I am going to fucking rip your heads off,” I roared, storming into the garage for One Fine Pig. Their gremlin, a male named Lipstick for some inexplicable reason, cowered in the far back of the garage where he’d been inspecting the front bumper.

The two tigrans hadn’t yet left their APV. An ethereal gun suddenly materialized, coming out the side of the vehicle, right in the butt of the pig airbrushed on the side. The blue, glowing weapon appeared non-corporeal. It was pointed directly at me. It started to hum.

“Oh, fuck!” I cried, jumping to the side as the gun fired.

Thwum!

The entire wall of the garage blew out. Next door, the wall of the next house over caved in, revealing the double-decker bus. The powerful blast hit the side of the vehicle, and it flipped over on its side, catching on fire.

“Hey! Hey! What the fucking fuck!” came the deep cry of a camel, who had just exited the garage. There were three of them, all carrying baseball bats with spikes on them.

“You missed, motherfuckers!” I yelled, kicking the side of the truck right into the airbrushed face of Nico.

The top hatch opened, and Dario, the tigran with the gold chain popped out. “Get out of our garage!” He popped back down.

The three dromedarians entered the garage and started beating the shit out of the front of the APV with their baseball bats. Next door, the fire in the garage had spread to the walls. Their gremlin was running around with a fire extinguisher, but a moment later, the entire double-decker bus was encased in ice, and the fire stopped. That was an Elle spell.

“We’re gonna turn your insides sloppy!” one of the camels yelled as he jumped to the hood of the truck and started smashing the windshield with his bat. A crack formed in the glass. Then another.

Panicked pig squeals emanated from within.

Lightning crackled against the sky outside even though it was a clear day.

“Stop! Stop!” cried Lipstick the gremlin.

I barely registered any of this.

“Get the fuck out here!” I continued to scream, banging my fist on the door. My gauntlet had formed, and the heavily armored door dented inward with each punch.

Slam.

Slam.

Slam.

My ears were ringing. I could hear Donut shouting. Imani was shouting too, but I was so red-hot angry, I couldn’t comprehend what they were saying.

Zzzzzz. The square-shaped shield of the APV turned back on, pushing me back with a heavy, electric shove. It was like I’d been walloped with a cattle prod. The camel on the hood of the truck flew upward and back, his head crunching sickeningly against the top lip of the garage door. He fell hard against the driveway and started to roll while another camel shouted his name. The camel’s neck was broken, and he was dead before he even hit the road.  

From inside the truck, Penelope continued to squeal.

The edge of the shield had tossed me all the way out of the garage, through the hole they’d blasted in their own wall. I tumbled and rolled, my skin sizzling and burning from where it had come in contact.

From inside the garage came a new scream. Lipstick the gremlin was pressed against the back wall of the garage, pinned between the shield and the barricade. Just as I realized what was happening, the gremlin exploded, the gore held aloft by the shield, and spread in a red, flower-like pattern against the wall like a drop of blood pressed under a piece of glass.

I started to get back up, wondering if my wraith phase would work, allowing me to get inside to kill them all.

“Stop,” Imani yelled, grabbing me by the shoulders, pulling me back. Jacobus, the reverse tooth fairy, buzzed around her head, laughing manically, clapping his hands.

“Carl, stop!” Donut cried at the same time. “Please, stop. Goodness, Carl. You can’t fight a car. And you’ll hurt Penelope!”

I just sort of missed what happened next. They’d walked me back to the street and down a bit, out of sight of their garage, and I sat at the curb, staring at the remains of our mercenaries. The two remaining camels dragged their now-dead friend away as they rushed back to their garage to look at their frozen bus.

I just sat there, breathing heavily. I stared at the splattered remains of the mercenaries on the street. Quemada had just poofed out in a flare, leaving a scorch mark. Finley’s legs were gone. Olga’s head was caved in.  

It had happened so fast. I was taken with how unfair it was. For weeks, months now we’d been on the precipice of death. Crawlers I knew were dying left and right, and NPCs like these mercenaries were falling by the thousands.

But there was something about that simple act of defiance that Finley, an NPC I didn’t even know, had shown, protecting his two friends. He was on his way to help them, and then all three of them were just snuffed out.  

“Fuck!” I cried out. I was so angry, so overwhelmed. After all that, only for them to be hit and killed right there on the street? “Fuck!”  

Jacobus buzzed near my head. He whispered in my ear. “Jeg hader også tigre. De har kun tredive tænder. Hvis du betaler mig, eller hvis du lader mig kneppe grisen, får jeg deres kranier til at eksplodere.”

I had no idea what he was saying or why it wasn’t translating. Donut hissed at him, and he buzzed away.

The two remaining camels were now sitting on the floor of their garage. One put his head into the lap of the other. Imani and Elle were in there, talking to them, giving us space.

We were fucked. We couldn’t drive. We couldn’t hire new mercenaries between heats. The no-stealing of other people’s vehicles rule was still active, meaning if we borrowed a mercenary from another team, they wouldn’t be able to drive it. Imani couldn’t drive.   

We couldn’t even use goddamned Jamal because he counted as a hired mercenary, and gremlins couldn’t drive.

I sighed. I was starting to calm down. I looked down at my fist, which had just started to heal. Why was it injured? I’d summoned my gauntlet, and it shouldn’t have been hurt, even when I was blown back. It was the acid, I realized. It had coated my gauntlet, and when I un-summoned it, some of it had fallen on my hand, burning me.  

Donut was on my shoulder, not sitting, but wrapped around my neck, purring loudly.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s okay. We’ll find a way. We have plans in case this happens. Remember?”  

Across the way, Mongo squawked in concern from inside our garage. I took another breath. I reached up with a shaking hand and stroked Donut.  

She was right. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t react like that. Now that I was thinking more clearly, I could see all wasn’t lost yet. We had options, none of them good, but we still had them. Some of the rules were a little nebulous, and as far as I was aware, nobody had tested them yet. I counted at least three options for the remainder of the race.

“Donut,” I said. “Can you please take the corpses. Finley and Olga at least.” I looked over, and the Dromedarians had left the body of their friend outside their garage. “Take that one, too.”

She moved to the street and did as I asked.

A pair of crawlers I didn’t know very well walked past and gave us a wave, but they didn’t stop to talk. They were headed to the second garage. They were the crawlers who were in the same heat as the camels, and while they were in second place overall, they were in first for their heat as the first place team was Team Sparkles.

The first crawler was a guy from Scotland named Archie. He’d fought alongside Florin during Faction Wars, but he was one of those who preferred to do everything on his own. I had him in my chat, but we’d never had a direct conversation with each other. Everyone called him the Ladybug Guy as he could summon them by the thousands. The other two crawlers were Chinese, and they eyed us warily.

That seemed to happen a lot with the crawlers from China, especially after the 8th floor. Li Na had started to build a bad reputation on the 8th, one that Li Jun and Zhang had attempted to soften on the 9th, but now that Jun was gone, Na wasn’t doing herself any favors. And because Donut and I were closely associated with Na, several of the crawlers preferred to keep their distance, even after Faction Wars.

I waved back, but I wasn’t sure they saw. They disappeared into their garage, where their vehicle appeared to be some sort of regular sedan.      

Behind and around the corner, I could hear the Tigrans fighting. I was pretty sure they didn’t know I was still nearby and could hear them. All the anger I’d been feeling had now fled and was replaced with determination.

We needed to take a team out, especially now, but we needed to be smart about it. The unicorn was the biggest threat, but for right now, I just needed to make sure one of the teams was gone because I was no longer confident in our chances to not come in last.   

I thought again about the description of Penelope the pig. Of the lightning that had just flashed across the sky.

A tear rolled down my cheek. Goddamnit, I thought. Goddamnit.

There was a way out of this. Out of it all. But it wouldn’t be easy.   

“I’m keeping her in the truck,” Dario was saying. “It’s safer in the truck.”

“Then you come out with me,” Nico, who was the buff one, said. “I don’t like you alone with her in there.”

“We should both stay in the truck,” Dario said. “We shouldn’t have run over those mercenaries. That human was pissed. Look what he did to the door. He did that with his hand. And now the camels are mad, too.”

“Fuck him and fuck them,” Nico said. “We’ll blow them all off the road if we see ‘em. Remember the plan. We win this, and we get Penny to the safe place. She’s the important one.”

“Lipstick is dead,” Dario replied. “What are we going to do?”

“We need to find a new one on the track. There should be two out there. And if not, we can use a few Emergency Gremlins to keep it running until we find one. Eyes on the prize.”

“Okay,” Dario replied, sounding hesitant. “But don’t get in a fight with that human. If you see him, get back into the truck.”

“I can take that bitch,” Nico replied.

“Maybe. But you can’t take the cat. And if something happens to him, we’ll have to deal with her. If we fall, Penny will be defenseless against her sultry advances. I knew we should’ve gotten a mercenary this round.”

“They were charging too much.”   

From the street, Donut let out a deep growl. From the garage came scrambling, and I heard the two tigrans jump back into their truck and lock the doors. The shield turned back on.

Louis: Guys, make sure you go into town. The weird bat dudes are selling acid rain protection, but they’re going to run out.

Donut: HOW IS IT GOING. IS YOUR TEAM OKAY?

Louis: We’re in first place for once. First place in our heat. Prepotente is in first, first. I don’t know if it’s going to last. But before the race that Bodi guy went into Hungry Eyes all by himself and ate like a thousand things from all the different stalls, and his buffs make Eileen go really fast.

Donut: IS EILEEN YOUR LOWRIDER?

Louis: Yeah. I didn’t name her. She has it painted on the side, but Britney thinks that’s the name of the person who drove the truck because the fuzzy dice are pink. Anyway, most of the tracks are like water slide tubes, but some of the tubes have acid and stuff, and there’s that Satan thing, who keeps saying “I hope none of these tubes lead to my butthole.” It’s really weird. Sweety, that’s Prepotente’s tapir thing, really likes the water tubes, and we’ve just been following them. Prepotente says he knows the best path. But you gotta get to town because they will only, uh, sell the stuff to one team at a time, and there’s not enough to go around.  

Carl: We’re on our way.

Chapter 45

“Come on, Donut,” I said. I raised my voice to Elle and Imani, who were still in the garage with the camels. They’d defrosted and helped right the school bus, but two of the tires were now flat. “Come on guys,” I called. “Let’s go into town.”

Carl: We’re first gonna make a quick stop.

Imani: How are you feeling? You went a little crazy there for a second.

Elle: I don’t blame you. I just wish there was something more we could do. We can tow you if you want. Then maybe push you over the finish line. Jacobus doesn’t count as a mercenary, or a pet. He’s a summon. I’m pretty sure he might be allowed to drive.   

Carl: I don’t think that’ll be necessary, but thank you. I’m sorry. I freaked out for a second. Donut talked me down. I shouldn’t have done that.

Imani: This floor is getting to all of us. We gotta keep our heads.

Carl: I know. I know. I’m better now, and I have an idea.  

I stood. Donut remained on my shoulder. I returned to the tigran garage. They’d fled back into their truck at the sound of Donut’s voice. The two tigrans were sitting in the cab, glaring at us through the shattered windshield. I could see Penelope the pig was in a full-blown panic, running in circles in the cab, and the two were struggling to keep her still. Dario, I realized, was trying to cover the pig’s eyes so she couldn’t look upon us. Or more likely, look upon Donut.  

“Donut,” I whispered. “Glitzy Pizazz.”    

“What are you doing? We don’t want to hurt the pig.”

“I’ll explain in a minute. The pig should be okay. I hope. They said they’re keeping her in the truck.”

“What should I say? I don’t have anything prepared! I told you Glitzy Pizazz is a very specialized move.”

Glitzy Pizazz was a straight distraction when dropping a smoke bomb would be considered too obvious. This was obvious, too, but I hoped it would be enough.

“Just make something up. Don’t worry, we can use it again the next time we need it.”

“You know nothing about show business, Carl. We can’t re-use moves like that. The audience will get bored.”

“Only if you use the same speech,” I said. “They think you want their pig. Do something with that, but don’t lean too hard into it. We don’t want them to attack again. Just annoy them.”

“I am not going to pretend to be sexually attracted to a pig, Carl. Do I look like someone who would be a sugar baby? I mean, really.”

“Then come up with something else.”

The whole time we were arguing, the two tigers glared at us through the windshield. They’d gotten a hold of the pig, and Dario had his hands over her eyes. I was poised to jump should they use their ethereal cannon again. I hoped it was like the gun from Team Sparkles, where they could only fire it once. But if not, I was ready. And Donut’s new precognition benefit from her now-drained veil should warn us if one was preparing a spell. Still, this was already taking too long.

“You’re not supposed to argue when I call out a move. That’s the whole point of the move system.”    

“Glitzy Pizazz isn’t a combat or emergency move,” she grumbled. “It’s different. It’s a performance.” Her headset microphone appeared. She leaped off my shoulder and posted up in the center of the driveway, facing the truck. Across the street, Elle and Imani waited, watching.

Elle: What in god’s name are you two doing?

Carl: We’re distracting them while I set traps in the garage.

Elle: Isn’t that pig off-limits?

Carl: I’m testing a theory.

“Attention fake tiger people,” Donut announced, waving her paw. “Yes, down here. Yes, look at me.” Her voice rose in volume, and her autotune kicked on. “You killed our mercenaries, and then you killed your own gremlin. Because of that, you don’t deserve the gift I am about to give you. But Penelope is just an innocent pig, and this is for her. She seems upset, and I know the timing is inconvenient for everybody, but this is quite important. As Carl hasn’t yet practiced with his bagpipes like he promised, I was going to sing you a song Acapulco, but instead I think I’m just going to talk. I am, after all, a dungeon-renown bard. But I don’t want you to think I’m attacking you with a song, so instead I will just be giving Penelope some advice.”

“It’s a capella,” I called.    

“That’s what I said. Don’t ruin it, Carl! Anyway, Penelope, tigers, please listen.”

Both of the tigrans started screaming at the top of their lungs. Nico took his hands and attempted to cover the oblivious pig’s ears. It wouldn’t matter.

Donut was casting the spell All Eyes on Me, which under normal circumstances, required a song. But because her charisma was now so high, she could now cast it with spoken word, which was good. It allowed the spell to work a little more subtly. After just a few seconds of her talking, they wouldn’t be able to keep their eyes off of her.  

“Penelope, I’m sorry, but you need to hear this. I am not saying there’s anything wrong with your little throuple as it currently stands in theory, but I strongly feel all three of you could use some relationship advice. Situationships where two of the members are at each other’s throats are destined to end in heartbreak. It’s all too common with pigs as they’re famously known to be attracted to toxic relationships. I mean, look at Miss Piggy. Honestly, she’s the toxic one as she abuses poor Kermit, who, by the way, is a cousin of one of the mercenaries you guys just killed. People give her a pass because she’s beautiful and knows karate. And then there’s Piglet who is what some people call a twink, and he’s in a relationship with a bear who is unbelievably selfish. Don’t even get me started on Wilbur, who we’re supposed to think is a friend to this spider lady, but that’s only because...”

As Donut droned on, I went to work. It only took about five seconds for me to lay a hidden trap on each side of the truck, getting as close to the shield as I dared. These were both disintegration traps, similar to the one I’d just looted from the War Mage as he hid behind the door. The good thing about these particular traps was that they were completely silent when they activated, and they would only target a single individual. But to be safe, I programmed them both to only activate when stepped on by tigrans. Even if one was literally carrying Penelope, she should be safe.

“Come on, Donut,” I called, walking away.

“...Which is why Peppa is absolutely destined for a Denny’s ham-lovers breakfast skillet if she doesn’t immediately do something about her cousin, Chloé. Anyway, it was nice talking to you. I hope I’ve given you something to think about. See you later!” She waved, and the twin tigrans, who’d stopped screaming just sort of blinked and looked at each other, both unaware that they’d been charmed.

We quickly moved down the sidewalk, catching up to Elle and Imani. From down the street, the weird pope creatures who drove the Wienermobile emerged from the city. One of the skeletal creatures was holding what looked like a bucket of a white, sloshing liquid. And behind him, walking like he was floating on air was the creepy pope skeleton guy.  

Donut gasped and waved furiously from my shoulder. “Hi Minister of Blood-Letting! I hope you’re having a good race!”  

The creature bowed as they passed, not saying anything.

“That motherfucker freaks me out,” Elle said. “And what was in that bucket? It looked like jizz. I hope we aren’t going to be buying jizz. I got enough of that when Carl yanked off that crab.”    

“The Minister is very nice,” Donut said. “But that bucket did smell revolting. I didn’t get a chance to examine it.”  

“I did,” Imani said. “It’s something even worse.”

“I can’t think of many liquids that’re more disgusting than that,” Elle said. “I used to make this garlic asparagus dish for my Barry because he loved it so much, but I wouldn’t let him touch me for like two days afterward. That man was like a horse in that regard. I’d rather gargle cat pee. No offense, Donut.”

“Don’t let Linus hear you talk like that,” Imani said.  

“Yeah, that little pervert gets his rocks off if I so much as scratch my tit.”

Donut cleared her throat. “Anyway, I hope you know what you’re doing, Carl. If something happens to that pig, we’ll have Taranis trying to kill you. Isn’t he one of the strongest gods?”

“I know. And yes, he’s supposedly the most powerful one before the Ascendency battles start.”

“Does he have a sponsor?”

“No,” I said. “He does sometimes I think, or at least he used to, but they don’t allow it anymore.” I hastily added, “At least that’s what Mordecai says.”  

We walked past the boarded-up homes of the two eliminated teams. We paused at the first one, which was once the garage of the now-deceased group of crawlers from Angola. After my earlier outburst, it felt almost disrespectful to just ignore their loss. We all stopped for a moment, and then we moved into the town of Upano.