Sucking at Resident Evil 0 (Patreon)

Resident Evil Zero is sort of a forgotten stepchild in the Resident Evil canon, and for good reason, i suck at it. This is the first time i've played this game since it came out in 2002 or whatever so excuse me, princess if i immediately get lost on a train level that consists entirely of a straight line and is meant to function as a fucking tutorial segment. 

"Wow, i thought this guy was the Resident Evil expert"

First of all, you goddamn son of a bitch. No one's called me that before so thank you. Also, fuck you. 

The problem is you heard me wrong. I never said i was the Resident Evil expert. I said i was the Resident Evil sexpert. Sort of like a loveable Glen Quagmire figure who's played every game in this series specifically for the hot babes and nothing else. Other than that I don't even know what these games are about, something to do with vampires? 

You know in Resident Evil 2, the real Resident evil 2 that is, where you click on the desk 50 times and it gives you a secret photo of Rebecca in basketball shorts to jack your pubescant 90s bonner to? Well who do you think discovered that? Me. I was the only man dedicated enough to search through all of weskers dick pics and twinkie wrappers to find it. 

And now here i am returning to the fucking leeches and train game to fight some leeches on a train, but really im just here to oggle Rebecca Chamber's fucking sexy bod. I'd like to get in her chamber. heh heh heh. 

No wait, this bit sucks. Nevermind. 

It's also giving me a guidelines warning. Lately everything i say on this crap site that even remotely resembles anything carnal, racy, or suggestive makes this fucking community guidelines warning come up on the screen. That's why i spelled bonner wrong just now. It wasn't an accident, it was on purpose to fool the censor-bots. There's no such thing as a word i can't spell, it's a trick. I'm makin off like a fuckin bandit, baby. That's my new catchphrase this month. 

So you know, basically anything fun. Thanks Patreon. Thanks world. I love living in a world where having fun is regarded as subversive wrongthink. If i so much as think about a tittie the fun thought alarm goes off and and im immediately slapped with the same stern warning from my employer that i used to get in catholic school when i would smoke ciggarettes in the back of the church and pound puss in the pews while loudly rapping about my balls. I was a cool kid. So cool i never even learned how to spell cigartes. Cigaretes. cigarettes. There we go. 4th times the charm.