Be Like Mike: A Big Jerk. (Patreon)

Yeah that's right, I made a sports video. You didn't know i was a sports guy, did you? Well there's a lot you don't know about me. For your information i was a basketball/baseball/mini-golf prodigy before someone fucked up and got me a Sega Genesis. That someone was Santa Claus, and he's been on my Naughty List ever since. That's why he spends his time hiding at the North Pole, he knows if he ever shows up on the basketball court I'm gonna bust his ass and give him 40, just Like Mike.

Michael Jordan that is, a man i deeply admire. Not just for being the Ghengis Khan of basketball and dominating the sport for all time, but also for being the Ghengis Khan of everything else in life except rape, by managing to be an even more legendary asshole than Ghengis Khan, even with the rape. The level to which MJ succeeds at being a spiteful, competitive, alpha male dickhead is so astoundingly high and consistent that it puts even his basketball career to shame.  

On the list of things Michael excels at, being the greatest of all time actually comes in at number 2, KNOWING he's the greatest of all time is number 1. The barely contained seething fury at all who would doubt his greatness burns inside this man like sulphuric acid from the moment he wakes up till the moment he enters his Odin Sleep, during which his dreams of being 28 again and destroying Lebron James replenish the almighty power of his great and terrible ego. 

Michael's mind is a cosmic storm of resentment and bitterness such that only a God could know. Imagine accomplishing more in your field than anyone else ever has or ever will, reaching the pinnacle of human athleticism and success, making more money than you could ever spend and going down in history as the Greatest of all time, and still not being satisfied.  

Michael Jordan is the kind of man who wears his 6 championship rings in silent frustration, staring only at the 4 naked fingers with the cold fury of a man who knows he could have done more. That's the burden of true greatness. In ancient times men with ambition like that conquered the world by commanding armies and wielding a blade, in the 1990s MJ did it by dunking on fools and having the coolest sneakers. 

On the basketball court Michael is more powerful than Doctor Manhattan, Jesus, and the helicopter that killed Kobe Bryant put together. The vicious, devastating power that surges through his veins like the electrolytes of Thor's very own lightning are the key ingredient to his famous "secret stuff" which briefly imbued Daffy Duck with the power to break the backs of Monstars and make them humble. 

Daffy was seen shortly after celebrating in a hot tub with Lola and making Bugs fetch the champagne. Bugs watched through impotent tears as the Duck Amok crashed his corkscrew crank into Lola's Bunny-Basket. At the pivotal moment Daffy turned to meet his gaze, and with unblinking eye contact he busted a blast of future step-children with all the force of the many Elmer Fudd shotgun blasts he had endured over the years due to that wascally wabbit's mischievous trickery. 

Now Bugs comes home to the rabbit hole every day and is greeted by a line of hungry ducklings, mouths to feed on his paltry teacher's salary from Acme University. Lola resents him, and soon he will choose to end it all by tunneling his way off a cliff. He will die a broken bunny, the beaten down cuck of a duck. Daffy took his woman, his pride, and ultimately his life. Such is the power of MJ's Secret Stuff, and such is the kind of revenge that would make Michael proud.

The man is truly an inspiration. We should all aspire to Be Like Mike, a bastard. A mean, hateful bastard who's also really good at something.