Breakfast Battle: Wendy Vs. Tim Horton (Patreon)

This is a new contender for stupidest video ever, and i made three of them, so i guess it's a series. I don't know what you've all managed to accomplish spiritually in 2020, but here's what terrible new plateaus of enlightenment i've ascended to so far.

1. Live In The Woods

2. Go Crazy

3. Eat an ungodly amount of fast food breakfast.

4. Grow a big stupid beard

Since the only human interaction i get anymore is from the girl who gives me Mcgriddles when i stumble out of the woods and slither in through the drive-through window every day at 6 am before crawling back into my hollowed out tree trunk and going to bed at 7 am, i decided to make it my mission to scientifically determine through vile bile and terror/trial and error which early morning fast food dogshit is the least dogshitty and most edible. If you say there's more to life i don't believe you.

This was filmed earlier in the year when my beard was relatively normal-sized and i could still pass as a semi-civilized man, but i assure you that by episode 3 you'll think i was killed and replaced by Eric Mathews in that future episode where he became a mountain hermit and learned to purify and drink his own urine. As a side note, if you don't get my sick Boy Meets World references, un-pledge and die, but do the dying first. 

That's assuming i ever post episode 2 and 3. I still have to watch the footage back to determined if it's too powerful, or contains too much forbidden knowledge and dangerous revelations. Maybe i'll do the merciful thing for humanity, which would be to bury these cursed videos in a safe somewhere and release something people actually want instead, like a review of The Last of Us 2 with the word "woke" in the title. Just kidding, i would never do that. I'm too old fashioned, I still use "SJW". 

And before you go judging my life choices i'll have you know that like always, i know exactly what i'm doing and why. Every course of action i commit to is based on 10th dimensional logic and planning that extends not only years ahead but beyond one lifetime into the realm of future incarnations, and includes contingencies for every possible permutation of fate. For example, it's vital that i stuff my face with ungodly amounts of fast food breakfast for 2 key reasons. 

1. I forgot what the first reason was. 

2. I'm packing on calories for hibernation, as I plan to enter a deep and mercifully death-like slumber until both the election and all this covid/mask-wearing/lockdown nonsense officially die and become a thing of the past, which i suspect will miraculously occur on the same day. On a totally unrelated and even more shockingly coincidental note, this will also be the day black police deaths will mysteriously disappear from the news cycle. Oh it'll still happen, but my crystal ball predicts it will only be newsworthy every 4th year until America is no more, which means you'll see it exactly one more time. 

Oh look at the time. There I go telling people the truth again, which means it's time to end this post before the rogue A.I. that absorbed the Deep State A.I. that monitors me accidentally gets red-pilled on the hidden circle of immortal Pre-Atlanteans who sold the planet to a mercantile race of space Bowsers in exchange for the technology to make anime real, and starts bothering me with annoying questions every waking moment. 

Fuck off, AM. I don't get paid to educate ghosts in the machine. I get paid to yell and scream and eat breakfast in the woods. Print that on your nanoangstroms and whine about it, you big baby.